The Aftermath of a Near Death Experience

The accident didn't exactly make me see my life flashing before my eyes. I knew I wasn't going to die. Afterwards, I was grateful that we were all OK, but I wasn't really "freaked out" or "shaken up". The timing seemed weird... Right after Christmas and right before New Year's...

It did make me appreciate and value my friends and their love and concern for me. It was very touching to hear people tell me they were glad I was alive and OK. It made me just want to be around and close to those I love and those who loved me... It made me crave that fellowship, those relationships, those conversations, hugs and whatnot...

It also brought up something that I've been trying to forget and let go of for so long... Something I thought for sure was really done for this time... And yet, in the midst of this wonderful celebration of life and love, I felt a damper trying to come in and steal my joy, my purpose, my knowledge of exactly why God has protected my life... Why does it STILL have to hurt so much? Why is it taking so long to heal? I know God sees the end, but I feel like I need to see it too. I need to see the end of this...

Thank God Spirit 105.3 is back to playing their regular music! I heard this song a couple of times today and it's perfect...

Kry - Take My Hand and Walk

I know there are times
Your dreams turn to dust
You wonder as you cry
Why it has to hurt so much
Give Me all your sadness
Someday you will know the reason why
With a child-like heart
Simply put your trust in Me

Take My hand and walk where I lead
Keep your eyes on Me alone
Don't you say why were the old days better
Just because you're scared of the unknown
Take My hand and walk

Don't live in the past
'Cause yesterday's gone
Wishing memories would last
You're afraid to carry on
You don't know what's comin'
But you know the one who holds tomorrow
I will be your guide
Take you through the night
If you keep your eyes on Me

Take my hand and walk where I lead
Keep your eyes on me alone
Don't you say why were the old days better
Just because you're afraid of the unknown
Take my hand and walk where I lead
You will never be alone
Faith is to be sure of what you hope for
And the evidence of things unseen
So take my hand and walk

Just like a child
Holdings Daddy's hand
Don't let go of Mine
You know you can't stand on your own

I Hope You Dance

I'm going to share this little spiel on Friday before the dance, but here's a sneak peak ;)

Dancing With God

It's not a coincidence that the word Guidance ends with "dance". I am very passionate about dancing, especially partner dances, because I believe that our relationship with God is a lot like dancing... For one, there is a "lead" and a "follow". When two people try to lead, nothing feels right. The movement doesn't flow with the music, and everything is quite uncomfortable and jerky. When one person realizes that, and lets the other lead, both bodies begin to flow with the music.

One gives gentle cues, perhaps with a nudge to the back or by pressing lightly in one direction or another. It's as if two become one body, moving beautifully. The dance takes surrender, willingness, and attentiveness from one person and gentle guidance and skill from the other.

Let's look back at the word "Guidance"... G: "God", followed by "u" and "i". "God", "u" and "i" dance. God, you, and I dance.

Became willing to trust God's guidance in your life. Be willing to let God lead... Dance together with God, trusting Him to lead and guide you through each season of your life.

I Hope You Dance!

A Thrill of Hope

One of my favorite Christmas hymns, O Holy Night, has a line that makes my heart skip a beat every time I hear it... "A thrill of hope..."

Hope is thrilling... Not some far away, vague, impersonal hope for something you somewhat want, but a hope that is so real, so specific... Something your heart longs for more than anything, something you so greatly and deeply desire with every living, breathing cell of your body... When it's so close you can smell it, taste it, feel it... now that's thrilling... Imagine wanting something so bad, you think about it every waking second, pray about it every night... Or imagine wanting something so great, so seemingly impossible, so unlikely, something you don't think could ever happen to you... And then it does.

In Pride and Prejudice, my #1 favorite movie, Mr. Darcy delivers a line that I can very much relate to... about daring to hope as we have scarcely allowed ourselves to before... In a world were we are always told not to get our hopes up, and be careful (especially when it comes to love), it's easy to let go and lose sight of hope... Expectations lead to disappointments, isn't that what they say? Well what about when that hope and that faith actualizes and becomes reality? Can you just image the trill of that? Imagine getting everything you've ever wanted... Or at least one thing you really want... Like a child unwrapping a Christmas present he's been asking his parents for all year long... Imagine the joy, the rush, "the thrill"... Have you ever felt it?

It has happened to me a handful of times. Enough to know that it can, and it does... I'm a bit familiar with "the thrill"... Thinking about those times still gives me chills... Every now and then I get a glimpse of what God has in store for me and it's an adrenaline rush that rivals any roller coaster... I don't think there's a more powerful feeling... Except the presence of God, of course :)

Don't get me wrong, I'm not talking about the thrill of getting something temporary, something that doesn't or won't last, because once that's over, you're right where you were before... It's not "the thrill of the chase" of something to stroke your ego... It's more like knowing that this is something you could have never achieved or received on your own, but it was given to you as a gift, a miracle... by God's grace...

So what are you afraid to hope for? What are you not allowing yourself to believe in? What do you dare not think about? I was listening to one of pastor Judah's messages on God's grace, and it really blessed me when he said that sometimes we just need to get our hopes up...

In this season of Christmas, the season of miraculous grace, God wants you to experience "the thrill of hope"...

Change Ain't Change 'Till Something Changes

For over 3 years now, I've been living and learning a new way of life... Everyday it seems I learn something new. I know so much, have so many resources and so much information at my disposal, yet make mistakes daily... My brain is filled with so much knowledge, common sense, reason and logic, but when my heart takes over, it all goes out the window and I don't do what I know, and even want, to do. I know it's all a part of being human, and being vulnerable to our weaknesses, but something still tells me that the power of true knowledge is the power of change. So why am I not changing? Why am I still prone to say and do stupid things everyday that afterwards make me think, Really? Did I really just do/say/write that? Why?! I know better!!! It's pretty frustrating...

The funny thing with actions/words is that once it's done/said it's over... And you can apologize until you're blue in the face, but it's already out there... the damage is done. Here's just a short list of some things I've been "learning" for what it seems like forever now and still have yet to master:

*Keeping my mouth shut (to the 10th power)

*Keeping my thoughts in check

*Not expressing every single emotion every single time I feel it

*Guarding my heart

*Letting go

I know there is a right time and a right place for everything, but how can you tell? I used to be so proud of being so open and so transparent, like an open book, because I truly have nothing to hide... I enjoy sharing my life with others (to a point) because I'm not embarrassed or ashamed of how I'm living it, but I'm also learning that, again, there's a time and place for everything, and that sometimes I actually do need to hold back, even if it's just to protect myself from doing something now that I'll be sorry for later.

Another thing I'm also learning to change is not being so hard on myself :) I hold myself to a pretty high standard, and when I mess up, I take it hard... So I need to forgive myself even when others don't...

I'm tired of always using the "learning" excuse though... I already know so much... I need to stop "learning" and start implementing! I know it's a process, and it's true, some things do take time, but I still need to "just do it".

Cheryl gave me this India Arie CD right before she left for Japan, and it's been a pretty painful thing for me to listen to for a while... Maybe I wasn't ready for it yet... Today, however, I really enjoyed it... Healing is a process, but I think it's well underway... This one song in particular stood out and really echoed what I've been going through recently:

"The Heart Of The Matter"

[originally performed by Don
Henley]

I got the call today, I didn't wanna hear
But I knew that it
would come
An old true friend of ours was talkin' on the phone
She said
you found someone
And I thought of all the bad luck,
And all the
struggles we went through
How I lost me and you lost you
What are these
voices outside love's open door
Make us throw off our contentment
And
beg for something more?

I've been learning to live without you now
But I miss you sometimes
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning them again
I've been
tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And
my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

These
times are so uncertain
There's a yearning undefined
And people filled
with rage
We all need a little tenderness
How can love survive in such a
graceless age
And the trust and self-assurance that lead to happiness
They're the very things we kill, I guess
Pride and competition cannot
fill these empty arms
And the work they put between us,
You know it
doesn't keep us warm

I've been trying to live without you now
But I miss you, baby
The more I know, the less I understand
And all
the things I thought I figured out, I have to learn again
I've been tryin'
to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my
heart is so shattered
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

All the
people in your life who've come and gone
They let you down, you know they
hurt your pride
Better put it all behind you; cause life goes on
You
keep carryin' that anger, it'll eat you up inside

I wanna be happily
ever after
And my heart is so shattered
But I know it's about
forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
Because the
flesh will get weak
And the ashes will scatter
So I'm thinkin' about
forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if you don't love me anymore
Even if
you don't love me anymore

I want to change. I want to be changed. I want things in my life to be different. I want to be different. I want the knowledge in my head and heart to bring real, lasting change to my life. Jesus, please change me...

'Tiss The Season

For what?!?!?! Christmas is supposed to be this magical and enchanted season of:

*Joy
*Giving
*Generosity
*Warmth
*Family
*Friends
*Relationships
*Faith
*Hope
*Love
*Miracles

The list can go on and on... So why am I not feeling it this year? I'm listening to loads and loads of Christmas music, yet it's not sinking in. I remember last year, I was working for CG and was adamant about celebrating Hanukkah, not Christmas, still somehow the magic has crept in and it turned out to be a beautiful season in spite of all the craziness at work...

This year is quite different. It's been a rough year and I was hoping that things would lighten up by the time the holidays rolled around... Some things did get better, some stayed the same, and some got worse. You know how it is said say that things must get worse before they get better? Well, it's gotten WAY worse and I'm still waiting for the light at the end of the tunnel. What's even harder is knowing that it's your own fault... That you're the one who screwed up and are now paying the consequences.

So I was going into this holiday season full of fear that Christmas will not be a season of joy and everything listed above, but instead, of pain, brokenness, tears, sadness, loss, emptiness, loneliness, and the like... AND THEN, I realized that that's exactly the state that the nation of Israel was in right when Jesus was born... Under the oppression of the Roman empire, waiting for their miracle, their Savior, their Messiah... And He came... To bring the miracle of:

*Hope
*Faith
*Love
*Life
*Redemption
*Restoration
*Healing
*Salvation

To make all things new... That's the magic of Christmas... Embrace it, believe it, live it...

Rhyme and Reason

Yesterday was a sad and frustrating day... Now that all has been said and done, here's my rhyme and reason for who, what and why:

When you're stuck between a rock and a hard place, what do you choose? I did not want either candidate to be my future president. As a conservative Republican, I was excited about McCain and Palin in the early stages of their campaign, but was quickly turned off, disgusted and embarrassed by them as it progressed... I was even neutral towards Obama until I did some research and discovered some of his personal beliefs. When it came to political issues, I agreed and disagreed with both on different things, but none of it was deal breaking. In short, this election was a lose-lose for me. I opposed both parties and both personalities, yet I needed to make a decision. I didn't want to vote for some obscure person whom nobody has ever heard of either, because I didn't want to "waste" my vote, so I needed to choose between the two... Political issues aside, it had to get personal. I couldn't vote for them as individuals, I had to vote for what they stood for. As I stood in that voting booth, it literally came down to be a matter of life and death for me... And I chose life.

Someone told me that as a woman and a teacher I had a moral obligation not to vote for McCain, but I think that especially being a woman and a teacher, never mind a follower of Jesus, I had a "moral obligation" to vote for life and family. I could NEVER vote for someone who didn't believe that each and every single life has meaning, purpose and destiny. Given a choice, I will vote PRO-LIFE every single time. Life and family are the ONLY reasons I voted McCain, because in my opinion, it was the only thing he had going for him that has put him above Obama in my eyes. He was the so called "lesser of two evils". So here are my reasons for choosing LIFE:

I have seen (and still have) videos and pictures of abortions being performed on innocent, helpless, defenseless, unborn babies (humans), and it has not only made me sick to my stomach, but outraged me to tears... I honestly do not understand and comprehend how in the world abortion is even legal... It is the most outright and cruel form of murder ever committed in numbers that are staggering... How can you call it "a right to do what you want with your body" when it's a whole separate life you are taking! Just because that life happens to be inside your body, it doesn't mean that it's yours to dispose of! Think about it... when a pregnant woman is murdered, the murderer is charged with a double homicide because in reality, he took 2 lives, not just 1! I think we play God when we decide we have the right to end a life just because we can. God is the author and the giver of ALL life, not us! Just because we can biologically create it, doesn't mean that we were behind the original design! God is the ONLY one who gives life because He has a purpose and a destiny for each life that has ever been, is, and will be conceived on this earth! If we don't value each life for what it is and see the meaning and potential of it in each person, then why bother getting upset over murder and suicide? We need to view life as a precious gift, packed with unlimited potential... It doesn't belong to us because we didn't create it...

My parents have conceived me out of wedlock, and I'm eternally grateful to my mother for not aborting me... Can you just imagine your best friend being aborted? Your husband, sister, mother, the founder of your workplace, George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, Martin Luther King, Mother Theresa... What about your own life... Imagine your own life being aborted... you can't, can you? I mean, who knows if we've already aborted the person who would have found a cure for AIDS or cancer... You, the person reading this... you're precious in the eyes of God... Your life is packed with so much meaning, so much purpose, so much potential, so much destiny... You were created for a reason and your life is a gift... Yes, you are a gift to this world... it needs you...

I love God... I love Jesus... I love people... I love LIFE... My life, your life... It's priceless because it's eternal...

For more info and statistics on abortion, click here: http://www.abortionno.org/Resources/fastfacts.html

Talking To Strangers

...is something I've always been very good at :) I'm sure at some point in my childhood my mother tried to dissuade me from it, but clearly to no avail. Back in my GC cadre days, one of my leaders told me that I knew no strangers, and it was true... Every person I've encountered was a potential new friend. Somewhere along the line though, I got a case of self righteous snobbery (a common side effect to watch out for if you constantly keep yourself in a Christian bubble of fellowship). It's funny, I didn't even realize I had it until God started to rock my world during the last few months. All of a sudden I could see so much pride, selfishness, fear, and prejudice in myself, it really shook me up. What happened to me? How could I have become so judgemental, arrogant, proud, disapproving and self righteous? Sadly, I know the answer... By grace, that has changed. God has humbled me BIG TIME, reminding me once again, who He is, who I am and how much He loves me and wants to be in relationship with me.


So here's what I learned, and I've already blogged about some of this before:


*I'm no better than ANYONE by ANY means

*I know EXACTLY who I would be and what kind of lifestyle I would live without Jesus

*None of us are "worthy"

*None of us are "good enough"

*None of us "deserve" love, especially God's love

*God loves EVERYONE just as much (if not a bit more) as me

*I am who I am by GRACE alone

*There is no fear in love

*Fear is the opposite of faith

*Love is patient

*Hope doesn't disappoint

*Love never fails

* It's not about church, Christianity, or any particular pastor, leader or preacher.

*It is all about JESUS


As a result, I've met a lot of really cool people lately and opened myself up to new friendships, new experiences and a new perspective on life, God and love. I really do love Jesus, I really do love people and I really do love life :)

So in the words of Brandon Heath:

Give me Your eyes for just one second
Give me Your eyes so I can see...
Everything that I keep missing
Give me Your love for humanity

Give me Your arms for the brokenhearted
Those that are far beyond my reach
Give me Your heart for the ones forgotten
Give me Your eyes so I can see...

Last Night...

...was a bit more than what I bargained for, but fun nonetheless :) Here are some memorable highlights (more for my sake than yours :P):

Me to Tembi: That was the most awkward bachata of my life!

JMC: Do you want to dance?
Me: Are you sure?

Mark to me: I saw you, what the hell were you doing?!?!

Me to Richard: You're not THAT hot!

Me: I don't need dancing shoes, I don't go that much.
Tembi: You go all the friggin' time!

Anyway, you probably don't find this as amusing as I do, but that's because you don't know me or have never gone salsa dancing with me :P Either way, there's more to it...

So yea... I had fun, stayed way too late, made new friends and saw some things in a new light... It was a spontaneously interesting night and I'm glad I went :)

The Issue of Church

Lately I’ve been going to three very different church services at three very different churches. On Saturday nights I’m usually found at YP (Young Professionals), one of the City Church services, on Sunday mornings, I’m always at The Image, my home church, and on Sunday evenings I try very hard to end up at Mars Hill. All three churches are currently a part of me and each one represents a different stage of spiritual growth in my life.

City Church is my first family. I was literally born (again) and raised there. It is a perfect church for any new Christian - loving, nurturing and full of all the resources, classes and tools a new Christian needs to grow, mature and get established in the faith. It’s absolutely wonderful for building a strong, solid Biblical foundation and discovering your identity and purpose in Christ. It was there that I learned how to serve, got trained as a leader, and built many lifelong friendships. I learned about obedience, submission, true leadership, faithfulness, and purity. It was an amazing school, an ideal training ground to truly prepare me for my send off when it was time for me to graduate... And so I still love visiting YP. I enjoy being around people my own age, young professionals who love Jesus and who are my friends... It's nice to be with people who know you :)

If City was a school, Image is the workplace. It is the place I get to practice everything I've learned. I'm often challenged, frustrated and stretched to my limits (and what often feels beyond them). It's hard. Very hard at times, and I've wanted to quit on multiple occasions, but I know I'm there for a reason, and even if I am called to leave one day, that day has not come yet... Don't get me wrong, I do love The Image... I love the people, they are my new family now... And I absolutely adore my pastors, I think they are simply incredible, even if we do disagree sometimes...

I think the reason I enjoy going to Mars Hill so much is because of its stark diversity. I can picture just about anyone and everyone going there. It’s so laid back and chill, you don’t have to worry about “fitting in”. I'm not particularly fond of their rockish worship, but even that has grown on me a lot. When I'm there, I know I’m not surrounded only by Christians. While most of people who attend Mars Hill are Christian, a good portion is not. It took me a while to figure out that not everyone who goes to church is necessarily serving God. People go to church for all sorts of reasons, and I know because I used to be one of them and know many people who still are like that. Tradition, religion, friends, romantic relationships, family/peer pressure, guilt and self righteousness are just some of the things that can drive people to church. Unfortunately, attending church on Sundays doesn’t make you a Christian anymore than sitting in a garage makes you a car, especially in a big church like Mars Hill, where the controversy alone makes it a very appealing and interesting place to visit on a Sunday night when there isn’t much else to do.

It was as a pleasant surprise when God placed it on my mind and in my heart to go to Mars Hill about a month ago. I used to be a faithful Sunday night attendee there a couple of years back, but stopped going because I felt convicted to stick to my home church, and ever since then I’ve only been an infrequent visitor. Still, I LOVE Mars Hill, especially pastor Mark, whom I’ve met and admire almost as much as my own pastor. In fact, I think Mars Hill has some of the best theology teaching that I’ve ever heard anywhere.

When I went on their website to check out service times, I was once again reminded just why that place holds a special place in my heart. It’s ALL about Jesus. All the arrows, signs, messages, themes and EVERYTHING point to Jesus. I love it. What I love even more though is that it also focuses on people, culture and the city… I love the city, I love Seattle and I do not want to live anywhere else.

And so I've been going to Mars Hill for the entire Peasant Princess series so far, ever since God spontaneously brought me there the very first week it started... Random, I know, but hey, I know I need it (doesn't EVERYONE?). Once it ends, I might stop going... It's not my church home (for now), but I sincerely hope that one day it will be...

The "Parent" Experience

Ever since I started nannying, I've felt like I've been going through a really bazaar "parent" experience that I was not ready for in any way, shape or form.

It started with Connor, a cute tiny little 5 month old who happened to fall in love with me and vice versa. Every time we would go out, I would get complimented on how cute “my son” looks. People would just assume he was mine, which bothered me because, as cute as he was, he wasn’t mine, and I didn’t want to be thought of as a “mother” or a single parent because I wasn’t wearing a wedding band. I’m not sure why, but I really hated the idea of random people I passed by on the street thinking this stuff about me. So I was just like, umm, thanks, but he’s not mine, so I can’t take the credit, I didn’t make him. I felt like I should be wearing a “NANNY” sign or something. Don’t get me wrong, I totally want to be a parent one day and have my own little bundle of joy to carry around and show off, but I'm pretty sure I want to be a wife first, so let's take it one thing at a time...

Fast forward to my current job: taking care of three adorable blue eyed boys who look like they could totally be mine (minus the blond hair). How many times have I been mistaken for their mom? Countless, although I’m hoping the parents at school know I’m just a nanny since the “real” mom occasionally drops off and picks up the oldest boy, Bennett. I just feel so out of place being there…at the school I mean. I see all those parents, both moms and dads in equal numbers, waiting for their kids, taking them to their classes, watching them play on the playground, and I feel so left out…Like I don't belong there... I can't even talk to them... I’m not like them… I’m not a parent… I don’t have my own flesh and blood out there on the swings…

So sure, it can be weird and frustrating sometimes, but it's also nice in a way... It gives me hope... Hope of all the wonderful things I have to look forward to... I love seeing dads with wedding bands on their left hand... It gives me hope of one day having a wonderful husband who will also be a wonderful father :) I mean they're out there... To look at the bright side, I'm getting a TON of experience, and it's not only educational, but fun :) I'm enjoying the "pretending" for now, but also definitely looking forward to the real thing ;)

I love you...

I just got the new (the only?) Brandon Heath CD and at first was pretty disappointed to discover that the only song on there that I liked was the one playing on the radio… Don’t you hate that? However, after faithfully (and dutifully) listening to it a few times, a few other songs have caught my attention. They didn’t have a catchy beat and sound and were a bit more mellow than what I usually go for, but their words went deep and hit me hard. Here are the lyrics to the two that I especially liked, because they struck a cord in my heart that’s been extra sensitive lately…

Love is

Love is not proud…
Love does not boast…
Love, after all, matters the most…
Love does not run…
Love does not hide…
Love does not keep itself locked inside…
Love is the river that flows through…
Love never fails you…

Love will sustain…
Love will provide…
Love will not cease due to time…
Love will protect…
Love always hopes…
Love still believes when you don’t…
Love is the arms that are holding you…
Love never fails you…

Nothing is greater than this…
‘Cause love is right here…
Love is alive…
Love is the Way, the Truth, the Life…
Love is the river that flows through…
Love never fails you…

I’ve been dealing with love a lot lately… Faith, hope and love… Can’t have one without the others… Faith is the opposite of fear. I’m stacking all my chips against my greatest fear… I’m all in… Faith gives me hope… And love is what gives life to faith… And so I love, believe and hope…

Listen up

Listen up, listen up…
No talking…
Listen up, listen up…
I’m listening now…

Why are you crying?
Did I say something wrong?
Weren’t we just talking?
Tell me what’s going on…
‘Cuz I’m pretty sure, my intentions,
Were nothing more than conversation…

Maybe I spoke too soon,
Maybe I said too much,
I think it’s time to listen up,
I’ve already said enough….

Sometimes I do this…
Thing is, I’m so afraid…
When it gets quiet…
What you might have to say…

‘Cuz I’m guilty of overcompensation,
I’m lost in my own translation
I apologize, I know…
I don’t want a word to get in the way... of you...
I’m listening…

I think I said everything I can… maybe even too much… I’m listening now, but you’re not talking…

FREEDOM!!!

My friends and I are the funnest, craziest people I know. Seriously, we have NO inhibitions! It's like, you'd think we're totally drunk, but we're completely sober. I can think of so many snapshots of us just having a blast while being ourselves and the people around us be like... OK you guys are CRAZY! Karaoke is a good place to start, but even that is kicking it up a notch. How about just hanging out downtown by the space needle and taking pictures of ourselves jumping off the fountain? Or videotaping ourselves dancing at Triple Door? Another favorite is being very animated while playing games (Jenga) at bubble tea... No matter what we do, we do it with passion, giving it our all. We are absolutely silly, affectionate, playful and fun, and we don't care :P We feel completely and totally free being ourselves 24/7 and it's fantastic!

So what's the big deal? Well, for one, I don't remember ever being able to be so free BC (before Christ) without having at least one shot of something strong in me. I've also met a lot of people who are just in awe of our freedom, but who, for some reason or another, do not possess it themselves. I've been thinking about why that is, and this is what I came up with:

* We are LOVED :) You can only love freely if you know that you are loved :) And not even necessarily by the object of your love, but loved in general. We love God, we love life, we love people and we love each other :)

* We know who we are :) Our identity lies in our creator, we know who we are, what we want and the purpose and meaning of our lives. We are secure and confident, needing no other approval than that of our Heavenly Father, and we know that we are adored by Him :)

The Bible says that where the spirit of the Lord is, there's freedom. His spirit lives inside of us, we know the truth and it has set us free even in some of the most practical ways you can think of :) It's very liberating to have the freedom to let loose, let go, and enjoy the simple things in life without worrying that you're acting like a child... It's good to be a child sometimes and know that you have the approval of your Father...

Sing like no one is listening, dance like no one is watching, work like you don't need the money, love like you've never been hurt, and live like it's heaven on earth...

Making Waves

I’ve never been the one to just blend in and conform. I enjoy being different, one of a kind...controversial even. My individualism and personality have exploded since I gave my life to Jesus, which only makes sense since He is the one who created me. Ever since then, I’ve been discovering who I am, who I was created to be, my destiny, and most importantly who and what I believe in.

The latter has been shaken, stretched, tested and molded over the years, especially in the past few months as I was going through one hell of a storm that wiped away everything that wasn’t rock solid in my life. Basically it left me with nothing but unyielding faith and love for God. In the process, I’ve come to change and adjust some of my beliefs and outlooks on life, and here’s just a small taste of what I came up with:

I don’t believe in cookie-cutter Chirtianity or a God who fits neatly within three points of any given sermon. I don’t believe in formulas or principles anymore. I believe in love and I believe in grace. I believe in relationships. I believe in forgiveness, redemption and restoration of broken lives. I believe in second, third, fourth and infinite chances. I believe in patience. I believe in humility. I believe in Jesus as a person and not a product that needs to be advertised and sold at a discount price. I don’t believe that God owes us anything, but it is us who owe Him everything. I’ve discovered that it’s not about church, preachers, leaders or even theology...it’s about the love of God tangibly acted out on people and through people. It’s about serving and laying down one’s life daily. It’s a sacrifice that comes back to repay in ways never thought, imagined or expected… It’s the only thing worth living for.

Triple Door

So I just got back from another super fun Sunday night at Triple Door with Mike and Ulu... I love Triple Door! Where else can you get free live music and salsa dancing in an upbeat, fun, trendy/chill environment? Here are some random thoughts before I hit the sack cuz I'm super tired...

* I hate dancing with guys who just want to show off. I will literally stop dancing with them, put my hands on my hips and be like... Are you done? It's even worse when they try some fancy stuff that I can't follow and then say something like, "Sorry, this floor is just so crowded..." No, you just suck.

* I saw a guy I once went out with tonight. I don't know if he recognized me, but he was clearly on a date so he didn't come over. It was actually pretty hilarious, they were both quite intoxicated and all over each other on the dance floor. It was very inappropriate and gross, but I got a good laugh out of it. I remember him trying to put the moves on me one time and I shut him down so fast it left his head spinning. Thank God that was the end of that. Yuk! I actually still had his number, so I texted him "Get a room!" Haha can't wait till he gets it!

* I love watching couples dance. And by couples I mean people who are "together" as in dating, married and whatnot... They have such chemistry, such fluidity on the dance floor... They are so at ease with each other and truly dance as one. It looks so good! Yet, they also make dancing look fun and playful. I love it!

* I still got it! Whatever that means... I can dance and have fun and be all hot and spicy and turn heads :) I love being a girl!

Well Deserved

In light of a recent heartbreak, it seems like almost all of my (well-meaning) friends have tried to comfort me (to no avail) with the line “He doesn’t deserve you”. At the time, I think I might have managed a “yea” or an “uh huh” for a response, but now, the more I think about it, the more nauseated I become. I’m particularly sick of hearing these lines: “Wait for someone who truly deserves you,” and “You deserve better.” Better what?!?! Looks? Personality? Style? Social skills? Come on! By whose standards and who are you to judge anyway?

Now, I’m pretty great, but I’m no walk in the park by any means. I’m stubborn, sarcastic, and often in need of a filter for my blunt mouth that doesn’t know when to stay shut. I love the saying, “If you can’t handle me at my worst then you certainly don’t deserve me at my best” because that seems to be more of a case with me. Finding a guy who can “handle” me, never mind “deserve” me, would be nice…

Back to the “deserving” thing... Who is to say who deserves what and what is this “deserving” factor based on? Is it something we can earn or is it just who we are? I look at my friends’ lists of their “ideal mates” and it makes me gag. Virgin, healthy Christian family and a stable home life are just a few of the demands that I do not fit. Sure, some of them I’ve messed up by choice, but others I had no control over. Either way, it is what it is now and cannot be changed. For the longest time I used to think that I didn’t deserve a husband who was a virgin because I wasn’t one myself. Of course now I realize that’s just a bunch of crap. I look at my own list of qualities that I desire in my future mate and it’s nothing but character and personality: loving, honest, kind, witty, compassionate, responsible, sensitive, fun, smart, affectionate, intelligent, and so on. Of course at the center of it all stands one thing that defines the rest: loves Jesus. Without it, the rest cannot exist.

We do not “deserve” much of what happens to us in life, and unfortunately, some of those things have an impact on who we become. Whether or not someone “deserves” to deal and live with those implications is up to them. A lot of it is a choice, a matter of wisdom and personal decision, but not an issue of deserving. So when it comes down to it, is it standards or pickiness?

Love doesn’t judge. It doesn’t consider one to be better than the other. I don’t think any of us “deserve” love. Love is a gift that is freely given and freely received. It’s a true manifestation of grace… God’s grace. Completely and totally undeserved, unmerited, and unconditional. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: love is a decision, a commitment, a choice. It is not something to fight over, win or manipulate. So next time someone tries to “comfort” me by saying I deserve better, I’ll tell them to shut their face because if that was the case, I wouldn't deserve God's love, and neither would they.

This is too good...

... to not re-post :) I have some pretty fabulous friends... Friends who are smart, deep and are a lot like me... I love reading their blogs because more often than not, they reflect my own thoughts, and these two below just nailed it right on... I don't know how that's possible, but it's true. Must be the Jesus inside of us :)

I want your flowers - Lauren

Staring at this blank screen, watching that blinking little line tell me that time is running out. Searching my soul, thinking of words to put adequately together. So here, I scan my restless mind, hoping for a revelation of some sort. But I come here with only thoughts to share. Two "phrases" come to mind: Hope, and the Present. Is it possible for the both play apart in the same lifestyle?
The past few months I have been living in the moment, only taking what comes to me, as it comes to me, only giving when the opportunity approaches to give. I accept all of life, all decisions, all thoughts shared, all love given. Living as an optimist keeping myself from thinking of the past or the future.
Then I think of you. The beautiful person you are. That in itself, puts hope inside of me. Hope for what you will discover, hope for what you will accomplish, hope for the ultimate happiness, and selfishly, hope for the day our paths cross again, the day when I can once again, be fitted perfectly in your arms. Like clay pieces that were once accidently broken, but can hold together once you place them the right way.
So, while you only think of now, I start thinking of then. With the highest of hopes, but no expectations. I hide the hope deep in my heart so it never crosses my mind. Is that cheating? Only thinking of now, but storing away the deepest desires for the future? Maybe the day will come when they are so hidden, they get lost, but still very much remain. For now, I am forced to cheat the system.
When I think about love, I think of the hope inside of my soul. That is the only glimpse into the future I look for. I cant shut my eyes to that light.

Friendship - Brandon

I think it is fun to do things for friends - especially really close friends. In 1 Samuel, David and Jonathan show a close friendship and I think it is interesting about what the Bible says about their friendship. Jonathan went completely out of his way in Chapter 23 to make sure David knew he cared. They knew at this point that they would never see each other again. That is pretty weird to me - knowing at a point of interaction that you will never...see that person again.
Jonathan encouraged David to stay true to the plan that God had for his life. THAT'S friendship. I would probably have been pretty agenda oriented with it all - looking for a way to make it all work out, in the way I thought it should.
A friend encourages you to stick to the plan. We were built for friendship. A lot of us were built for friendship to be set on fire and carry it out even more than that. Whatever the case may be - be the person that encourages others to STICK TO THE PLAN [or maybe you need to be reminded to stick to the plan]. Nothing more. Nothing less.

Heartbreaker

Who, me? Apparently... Oh, the irony of it... It's tempting to just be with someone who called you "God's finest accomplishment"... Okay fine, so what he really said was I just may be God's finest accomplishment, but that's close enough :)

What more could I want? To be loved and adored by a nice Christian guy who worships the ground I walk on, loves Skillet and pretty much all the same cool Chistian music I do... True, he can't dance, but how important is that really? I mean, he even likes Pride and Prejudice! He is funny, sweet... and has been faithfully in love (infatuation) with me for well over a year...

And I just broke his heart by crushing all his hopes of us ever being together... Not in a mean way of course, and by no means on purpose, but nonetheless... Poor guy... I think he's moving on quite nicely though, judging by his MySpace... Good for him. I just couldn't do it... Couldn't settle for what I knew I didn't want, because I know what I do want...

Camping :)

...in Ulu's room is the best! We watched movies (ridiculous chic flicks of course), made smores on a gas stove and perused Facebook ;) And then of course we talked about boys 'till late, late hours of the night :P It was a classic slumber party! Here are some highlights:

Ulu: "I don't want to marry any of the English princes! They are not serving Jesus!"

Princess Diaries: Queen: "Other people loose it, we are supposed to find it! People look up to us! We are held to higher standards of behavior!" Princess: "Concept grasped, execution is somewhat elusive..." 

Haha, we had SO much fun!!!

So this is what we watched: 

*Princess Diaries, which was charming in some ways, and oh so stupid in others... Got some great quotes out of it though... "Shut UP!!"

*Sleepless in Seattle... It was my first time watching it... It was sweet... and ridiculous... and I love Seattle :)

*Notting Hill... it was okay... I really don't like chick flicks....

Her family made us breakfast... it was good :) I love my friend :) I'm gonna miss her :(

So here's the story...

So this is pretty much what happened: I fell in love... It didn't make much sense and pretty much opposed everything I believed in, but I couldn't help it. I frustrated myself, my friends, my pastors, and most of all, God's grace... As wrong as I knew it was, I still wanted it. And that just made me feel all the more guilty. So I tried to reason, bargain and overcompensate.... All to no avail. I was my own worst enemy. And then I got a "revelation" from Ulu... "Anna, don't you see how much God loves you? He won't even let you go there... Even when you want it and are willing to, His grace is protecting you by not even giving you the opportunity to fall." Literally, the next day God showed me a sign, something just between me and Him (even though some of my friends ended up being witnesses to it), that has finally set me free. And then I heard this song... and realized that this is exactly what has been going on and what God wanted to tell me...


10th Ave N "By Your Side"

Why are you striving these days
Why are you trying to earn grace
Why are you crying
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away

Why are you looking for love
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough
Where will you go child
Tell me where will you run
To whom will you run

'Cuz I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
Please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

Look at these hands and my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life
I want to give you life

Cause I, I love you
I want you to know
That I, I love you
I'll never let you go

I love finding these new, obscure "indie" Christian bands that are just so raw and real... They talk about real stuff, life as it is, the good, the bad and the ugly. Because sometimes it does get ugly. It's not always all flowers, candles and blissful Hallelujahs. Hard times do come, pain does come, tears do come... Heartbreak comes... Storms, winds, rain and earthquakes will come. It's what you do during that time that reveals who you really are, what you're really made of and what your life is built on. And it's those times that draw you closer to God than ever before... if you choose to go that way, of course... Or you can pull away and suffer alone, which I don't recommend. No matter what though, He is there, just waiting for you to let Him help you and rescue you.

Narnia

I watched the first Narnia movie tonight at youth service, and it was like watching it with different eyes. It was probably my 3rd or 4th time watching it actually, so I was very familiar with the story line, but still, it was as if I was hearing and seeing everything for the first time. I think I had tears in my eyes almost the whole entire movie... I think tonight, for the first time I've picked up on scenes, undertones and lines that I've never noticed before and it took on a whole new meaning for me. Also, having watched the sequel twice already, it helped me understand it better and gave me something to compare it to. So quickly, here are some things that have really stood out for me:

* The logic of Christianity... it is SO very reasonable

*Faith. You really CAN believe

*Love and Sacrifice... They are synonyms

*Hope and trust in God :) He knows what He is doing

*The pain of betrayal... having recently experienced that, it was like salt on the wound

*We ALWAYS have a choice

*Forget the past and move on. What's done is done

*Salvation, redemption and forgiveness... It's quite beautiful

* My God is GOOD. And I love Him...

It Happens

I’m a huge nerd and bookworm and a half. Really. One of my favorite places to hang out is B&N or Borders because I can just sit there all night pouring over all different books :) Ah, heaven... Of course, there’s one section in particular where I can almost always be found: Christian Inspiration. What can I say, I like being challenged and inspired by learning more about my wonderful God (and myself at the same time). I figure one can never know enough about 3 things: life, love, and oneself. Therefore, one should seek to know the creator of those things! For the same reason, I can also be found spending hours upon hours at either Lifeway or Family Christian store, spending whatever money I have on Bibles, books, journals, and music.

One particular book I have spent entirely way too much money on is my 2nd all time favorite book (right after the Bible), by one of my favorite authors: Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller. I have long since given away my worn out, thoroughly underlined, starred and highlighted copy of the book, as well as bought a copy for nearly everyone I know. The reason? It’s actually a part of the title: Non-religious thoughts on Christianity. The book is brilliantly written in such a simple, direct and open way that it absolutely disarms all readers from page 1. It’s so real, so raw and deals with such hands off topics that it’s literally a diamond in the rough. It has made me laugh, cry, and left such an impression that I felt compelled to tell everyone I know about it. I have read pretty much all other books by Donald Miller as well, and they are all outstanding, but Blue Like Jazz is a classic.

Anyway, the reason I bring it up is because I picked it up last week while I was in Lifeway, and I flipped through it until I found the part I was looking for. The part my spirit was almost craving to read, needed to see with my own eyes again to feel uplifted, inspired and encouraged... The part where Don’s friends Laura is having a conflict with giving into believing in God and her struggle with the Christian faith, and then her discovery and revelation of Jesus... The email she writes to Don, informing him of her decision to become a Christian never fails to make me choke up. And the way Don later describes what Laura went through, her simple, yet miraculously joyous “conversion” gives hope... It does happen... People do “get saved”. It happened to me, to my girls, to Imani’s co-worker last week, to an atheist Laura, and to countless of others. When they are ready, in their own time, people do come to God, and it’s AWESOME!!!

I randomly stumbled into a GC UD service two weeks ago and heard Pastor Judah speak about not shaking the fruit off the tree, but letting the seed grow, mature and become ripe before letting it fall into your hand. God’s word is good seed. When planted into people’s hearts, it will grow, sprout and then eventually produce fruit, the fruit of repentance, of acknowledging their need for God, and then that’s when salvation comes. No need to force the fruit off the tree before it’s ripe, just relax and go do stuff and live your life while the seed does its work. God saves, I don’t. I can’t, rather. I knew God wanted me to hear that message. The experience of watching someone you love and care about come to know God is euphoric... I want to experience it again rather badly, but meanwhile, I have to wait and let God take care of it in His perfect way and time. I don’t need to convict, convert and convince anyone. God Himself wants to take the credit for His word working, and I think I’ll let Him :)

A Breath of Fresh Air

YESSS!!! I can finally blog!!! Sorry to have been silent for so long, it’s not that I’ve been speechless or had nothing interesting going on, but on the contrary, I’ve been so ridiculously crazy busy I’ve barely had time to even go online, never mind to actually type out and describe all the wonderful things that have been taken place in my beautiful life :) Today, however, I’ve made a commitment to spend the bulk of the day at home, resting and relaxing, writing and catching up on organizing some IG stuff. So far, after having sent off just about half of our church to the Kidz Camp early this morning, I went home and straight to bed/sleep. Let’s just say that trying to sleep with Mendel and Johnny last night proved to be a bit of a challenge. Or at least falling asleep with them was... They are just too cute! And now I’m not planning on leaving my house until our youth service, which will just be a big party/movie night, with almost all leaders gone at Kids’ Camp (A.K.A. Youth Kamp #2). I’ll be heading there to join in on all the fun tomorrow night w/ Lina. Can’t wait!!! Plus, I’m scheduled to speak on Saturday morning, so I’m PSYCHED!

I love camping, road trips and going out of town. And lucky for me, I get to do it for 3 weekends in a row! WOO HOO!!! I’m also semi-excited that the Kidz Camp is in Moses Lake, because last weekend I met someone very cool from there... Let’s just say he is the most proper guy I have ever met or talked to... I was like, are you for real? Can I meet your parents so I can salute them? I honestly didn’t think they made them like that anymore. A bit conservative, but PROPER :)

Speaking of last weekend, after the road trip to Spokane, by the time I got out of the car back at John and Vita’s house, I swore up and down that I will NEVER again go anywhere as a 5th wheel with 2 married couples. Granted, John & Vita and Dima & Marina were super sweet to me and I didn’t have to spend a dime the entire trip, but being around 2 couples for 2 whole days was beyond torture. Spending the night at the best hotel in Spokane with the bridal party and then riding around with them all morning in a stretch Hummer limo kinda made up for it though :P It was a very fun weekend and I even got a pretty nice tan in Coeur D’Alene by the lake. Andrey and Alesya’s wedding was beautiful and I loved the HOT weather and sunshine! This weekend will be camping and water park in Moses Lake and next weekend (Labor Day) I'll be camping again with all my City Church friends at Lake Wenatchee :) Bring on the smores :D!!!

At a Loss for Words...

The song says it all... Thanks, Britt Nicole... "You"

"I’ve been looking for love in another’s eyes
Searching for water, but I come up dry
Thought that I could find
Happiness in the world’s applause
Peace of mind in a worthy cause
Take me back, take me back
Got to trust in the simple truth
Got to trust all I really need is
You

I’m coming back to You
The only thing I know worth living for
Will You take this heart and make it whole for You
I give it back to You
It’s obvious no one could love me more
I’m Yours
I’m coming back, yeah
I’m coming, coming back

To joy that speaks to my deepest need
To arms never far out of reach
Yeah, how Your love it
Calls to me when I lose my way
Holds me close when I feel afraid
Take me back, take me back
Got to trust that I’m safe and sound
Got to trust that it all comes down to
You

I’m coming back to You
The only thing I know worth living for
Will You take this heart and make it more like You
I give it back to You
It’s obvious no one could love me more
I’m Yours
I’m coming back, yeah
I’m coming, coming back

So no more getting caught in the middle
No more waiting for what is unsure
Back to Your love so true and so simple
Don’t understate it or complicate it
It’s so simple, yeah, it’s so simple

You, coming back to You,
I’m Yours, I’m Yours, yeah, yeah, I’m Yours,
I'm coming, coming back..."

I Live for This...

This past Sunday we had a Water Baptism service for 9 of our young people, all of them graduates of the NewBe class Lina and I teach :) Needless to say, I couldn't have been more proud... Later on, in church, one of the girls sang this song, to once again vocalize the love and commitment she expressed to God earlier at the lake... It was beautiful and reminded me of my own baptism and the promise I made to God that day... The lyrics alone don't do it justice, but they do express it like nothing else...

I Live for You - Rachel Lampa

You have spoken in the sunset
You have whispered words of comfort in the wind
You know everything about me
Before my life began,
You held me in Your hand

You have walked these roads before me
You know all the pain a broken heart can bear
Won't You help me now to trust You
Every single day, I'll follow in Your way

I live for You, I live for You
When I think of all your love has done for me
I live for You
Never looking back to what life used to be
I live for You
And everything I ever thought was mine
I'd give it all away to have You in my life

I see You in the crystal waters
And I have felt You in the dark of my despair
You have shown a love unfailing
River running deep
That's welling up in me

I know it's gonna take a sacrifice
I want to see the world through Your eyes
I'll live for You the rest of my life

Before that, we also sang one of my favorite worship songs and it has stuck a place within me that is a bit weak and going through some hard things right now and really needed this confirmation of what I need to do, where my faith is, what matters, and what it is that I stand on.

Stand by everything You said

(I stand on the promises of God's Word for my life. I believe that He is more than able and willing to do everything that His Word says, in and through me)

Stand by the promises we made

(I will honor the commitment I made to God the day I got baptised. I will honor my promise to live for Him with a clean and pure conscience)

Let go of everything I've done

(Yea, I've made my share of mistakes since then, but I will let them go and move on, they do not have a hold on me and will not be repeated)

I'll run into Your open arms

(Because there is nowhere else for me to go. I will not run to a bar to ease my pain with a few shots of Tequila, nor will I run to a club to find comfort in the arms of a hot stranger. Those days are over and there is no going back. There is only one place for me to go now.)

And all I know...

(I've never been more sure of anything else)

I love You more than life...

(Because You ARE my life...)

Tricia made me listen to this last song night. She said I was being too hard on myself... I guess I do that sometimes... These lyrics are powerful though... They def broke through for me :)

Let Me Love You - Third Day

Ever since the world around you shattered
You've been looking everywhere for something more
Sometimes you feel like your life doesn't matter
But it does I tell you it does.

C'mon let Me love you now
C'mon let Me love you
And hold you through the storms
I will keep you safe and warm.
C'mon let Me love you
And kiss away your tears
I will always be here
C'mon let Me love you.

Yesterday you found your heart was broken
And tomorrow doesn't leave much room for hope.
Today you'll find that
My arms are wide open
And My heart, My heart is full of love.

Give up on all the other things
'Cause My love can bring you more
And if you take a chance on Me
I'll give you what you're looking for.

Love II

So here's where it gets personal... We all love and want to be loved on our terms... My love language is Quality Time with Words of Affirmation close behind... So it would make sense then that ignoring me is the worst possible thing you can do. It cuts me like nothing else. Knowing that, I have to be careful to control my natural instinct to withdraw my time, words and attention from the people I feel ignored (unloved) by. The last couple of weeks I've been really challenged by that, and I think I've learned a lot, as well as made a few mistakes, but hey, I'm still learning about this love thing..

When our love, and the way we express it, is rebuffed, how do we react? It's easy to act up, act out, clam up, lash out, or even sell out and put out in an effort to get what we want. What happens when we get hurt, when someone breaks our heart or frustrates us and causes us pain? Do we cut the person out of our life and decide to hate them forever? One of my friends told me that when you get tired of being sick and tired... That we need to perhaps focus on the reasons why it didn't work out, why they are not right for us. So what then, should we write out a list of everything bad about the other person, everything we didn't like about them and stick it on our mirror to be read everyday until we "get over" them? Do we make ourselves hate them in an effort to stop loving them? I don't want to do that...

If that's the case and that's the way we handle feeling unloved, then maybe we didn't really love the other person to begin with... Maybe we just selfishly used them to make ourselves feel good, and when they no longer did, we disposed of the relationship because it was now causing us more pain than pleasure. It's a "normal" response, right? I mean no wonder so many relationships now never reach the altar and even when they do, half of them end in divorce. It's the "I'll love you while you make me feel loved" type of deal now, which has replaced the "For better or worse, till death do us part".

Love is a catalyst for love... Love responds to love... When someone frustrates us, it's natural to want to change them to suit ourselves, but that seldom, if ever, works... Loving them first however, continuing to love them and showing them love in their love language (not yours) even when at first they don't respond, is demonstrating real love. If they let you, that is... But that's a whole different blog...

Love

So last week I finished reading an awesome book about love... I think it was by far one of the best, because it was so practical, hands on, and real... Just like me ;) The name of this fantabulous book is The Five Love Languages for Singles by Gary Chapman, and it was much better than his original one written for married couples, which I also read when it first came out. To put it simply, the book is about how to give and receive love to and from practically anyone and everyone around you. When you think about it, that is pretty stinkin' important considering how many relationships (not necessarily romantic ones) we are all in!!! What has captured me at the very beginning of the book was how the author defined love... Check this out:

"Covenant love is conscious love. It is intentional love. It is a commitment to love no matter what. It requires thought and action. It does not wait for the encouragement of warm emotions but chooses to look out for the interest of the lover because you are committed to the other's well being." p. 29

He went on to explain that the first "obsessive" stage of love (I-wanna-be-with-you-every-waking-moment-because-you-are-always-on-my-mind) usually passes within 2 years and that's when covenant (committed/bonding/a.k.a. marriage) love needs to kick in, in order for the relationship to continue. He also said something else in the beginning which cracked me up, but also made me really sad...

"You have likely invested time to learn the language of computers. If so, you have reaped the benefits. Unfortunately, most single adults know more about computers than they do about love. The reason should be obvious. They have spent more time studying computers than they have studying love. " p. 19

So basically here's the breakdown: There are 5 Love Languages (Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Acts of Service, Gifts, and Physical Touch), and each person has a primary language that they communicate and recognize love by, with a secondary language close behind. The problem arises when someone tries to communicate love to us in their own primary language, which is not our own, leaving us feeling unloved and the other person frustrated because they feel like their language of love is not reciprocated, unacknowledged and unappreciated. And the miscommunication begins... Sad... And totally unnecessary... When we choose to love the other person, we choose to speak their love language, making them feel loved, and therefore having them love us in return... It's a cycle of love... Ok, so maybe not that cheesy, but just go ahead and read the book, I promise you won't be sorry :)

Airports

I picked up my mom from the airport the other day, and as I was waiting for her both in the terminal area as well as baggage claim, I kept seeing families, friends, and loved ones being reunited as they practically ran towards each other, laughing, hugging, kissing, jumping up and down, and doing all sorts of things in their euphoric excitement. It was such an encouraging and joyous sight that I couldn't help but smile and laugh myself.

Sometimes I wonder if that's what heaven will be like... Happy reunions of family, friends and loved ones, all back in each other's arms again, just waiting for each other at the "terminal"... I think it will be just like that... When the only tears that will be cried are tears of joy. I wonder though, if we will miss the absence of other loved ones who won't be there... It hurts too much to think about it though. All I know is, I hope and pray to see everyone I know there and spend an eternity with them.

I remember quite a different sight when I was dropping my mom off 3 weeks before. Saying good bye at a security checkpoint was a young Asian couple; Japanese, I'm guessing. They were clearly very much in love as both was crying uncontrollably. He was leaving, she was staying. It was such a heartbreaking scene... My heart went out to her... I just wanted to embrace her and hold her and comfort her letting her know it was gonna be ok, but I couldn't... I've been to Japan and I know the Japanese culture, particularly how men (very much like Russian men) are not supposed to show emotion, especially tears. So to see this young man cry so hard meant a lot... I really hope that they will be reunited soon, because I can already imagine what a happy reunion that will be...

I hate good byes... with a strong passion. I cry when people die, move, and leave my life in other ways. Maybe because I truly understand the value of a human life and the preciousness of real friendships and love... I can't stand loosing what's important to me... I hate dropping people off at the airports... Love picking them up, but absolutely hate dropping them off... Reunions are far better than good byes...

Brad Who?!?!

While the world may have an obsession with Brad Pitt (can't imagine why), there is another Brad out there... A Brad with a rock solid marriage, brains, talents, personality, stand up character, a big heart, a sense of humor and good looks than can easily put Brad Pitt to shame. I'm talking about Brad Paisley, one of my all time favorite country artists. Even if you hate country music, this guy is truly something to admire. I've discovered him in college thanks to his extremely funny and witty song lyrics that are very catchy, to say the least, and tender love songs that will bring tears to the eyes of any romantic. I don't care who you are, I guarantee that this guy will crack you up and then move you so deeply you'll be like, what just happened?


When I went to his concert, one of my very first country music concerts, I was amazed by how down to earth and real this guy was. Not to mention crazy FUN!!! I absolutely love how he can poke fun at just about anything, especially society and pop culture. Take his songs "Celebrity", "Alcohol", and "I'm Still a Guy" just to name a few.

"I can make anybody pretty
I can make you believe any lie
I've been known to cause a few break ups
I been known to cause a few births
I've been making the bars lots of big money
And helping white people dance
I got you in trouble in high school
But college, now that was a ball
You had some of the best times
You'll never remember with me
Alcohol"


"'Cause when you're a celebrity
It's adios reality
You can act just like a fool
People think you're cool
Just 'cause you're on TV
I can fall in and out of love
Have marriages that barely last a month
When they go down the drain
I'll blame it on the fame
And say it's just so tough
Being a celebrity"


"You’re probably thinkin' that you’re gonna change me
In some ways well, maybe you might
Scrub me down, dress me up
Oh, but no matter what
Remember, I’m still a guy
Well, love makes a man do some things he ain’t proud of
And in a weak moment I might
Walk your sissy dog
Hold your purse at the mall
But remember, I’m still a guy
And I’ll pour out my heart
Hold your hand in the car
Write a love song that makes you cry
Then turn right around
Knock some jerk to the ground
‘Cause he copped a feel as you walked by
These days there’s dudes gettin' facials
Manicured, waxed, and botoxed
But with deep spray on tans and creamy lotioney hands
You can't grip a tackle box
Yeah, with all of these men linin' up to get neutered
It’s hip now to be feminized
But, I don’t highlight my hair
I’ve still got a pair
Yeah, honey I’m still a guy
Oh, my eyebrows ain’t plucked
There's a gun in my truck
Oh Thank God, I’m still a guy"

Come on, how can you not love this guy? His lyrics are so funny and so real and while at times he may even poke fun at love, this guy knows its true meaning... Unlike so many other artists who sing about love, but in reality are just going from one bed to another, this guy is happily married and his songs are about his wife, demonstrating love in its proper context. Maybe that's why his love songs are the best... They are pure, sweet and heartfelt...

"She's a yellow pair of running shoes,
A holey pair of jeans.
She looks great in cheap sunglasses,
She looks great in anything.
She's I want a piece of chocolate,
Take me to a movie,
She's I can't find a thing to wear,
Now and then she's moody.
She's a soft place to land,
And a good feeling knowing.
She's a warm conversation
That I wouldn't miss for nothing,
She's a fighter when she's mad
And she's a lover when she's loving.
And she's everything I ever wanted
And everything I need,
I talk about her, I go on and on and on.
'Cause she's everything to me.
She's a bubble bath and candles,
Baby come and kiss me,
She's a one glass of wine,
And she's feeling kinda tipsy.
She's the giver I wish I could be
And the stealer of the covers,
She's a picture in my wallet
Of my unborn children's mother.
She's the hand that I'm holding
When I'm on my knees and praying,
She's the answer to my prayer
And she's the song that I'm playing.
Everyday that passes I only love her more
Yeah, she's the one
That I'd lay down my own life for.
And she's everything I ever wanted
And everything I need.
She's everything to me,
Yeah she's everything to me"

One things this guy never really pokes fun at though, is the real meaning of life. I think that's why I respect him so much. Christian or not, he seems to grasp the importance of people and that that's what life is really about. This one song never fails to touch me...

"Those leaves were a foot deep in the yard
And 'wash me' was written all over the car
Watchin' movies all day with you
Wasn't on my list of things to do
But we laid on that couch
Girl, we never left the house
It was time well wasted
And there's no way
I trade a few more things that
I could've crossed off my list
For a day I'll never forget
No, I didn't get a thing done
But I sure soaked up every minute of the memory we were makin'
And I count it all as time well wasted

This world spins too fast if you let it
There's always one more thing to do
But lookin' back I never have regretted
Takin' off early or callin' in sick
Or lovin' away a Sunday afternoon
I count it all as time well wasted"

Ok so by now I hope you're all running out to get all of his CD's lol j/k. For real though, I'm very careful about the people I let speak into and influence my life and that goes for books, movies and music as well. I only respect, admire, and listen to authors and artists who have their personal life together, and if they don't, I don't want them to teach me anything, because in the end, I don't want to end up like them. So yea... choose your celebrities and heroes wisely, kids ;)

The Summer of Good Bye's...

This summer sucks... It seems like I'm loosing close friends left and right. Last summer Ulu moved to Hawaii and I cried my eyes out... This summer she is moving to London... I just said a final bye to Cheryl who is moving to Japan for a year... Tricia is moving to D.C. and one of my best guy friends got married! These people are among my closest friends and we have shared a LOT together. Ulu and I had countless heart to heart talks and U Village dates. Cheryl and I spent numerous hours at her apartment, exploring Seattle and cooking together (actually she just cooked for me), Tricia knows me inside and out and is my ultimate dance, make up and "keeping it real" buddy, and of course I'll never forget how Ben was there for me when some boy broke my heart last spring... These people are my best friends and I love them SO much and now I feel like I'm loosing them! And this is all happening so fast, so all together...

I know they will still technically be in my life and we will still be friends and we can keep in touch and that this is God's plan for their life and all that good stuff, but it doesn't make me feel much better. I'm happy and excited for them, but I will still miss them SO much! I know I will see all of them again, but what if I still need them in my life right now? I know I'm super blessed with many other friends and I'm close with a lot of them as well, but these 4 were special... They are like my family... They understand me, they know me... They can read me and call my bluff and comfort me and love me and just be there for me. I can't meet Ulu at B&N if she's in London... I can't go to Pike Place with Cheryl if she's in Japan... I can't cry on Tricia's shoulder if she's in D.C., I can't drop by Ben's apartment if he's married...

There's actually a 5th friend whom I lost this summer as well and the combination of it all makes all of this extra hard. Loosing the people you love sucks big time... It just hurts like nothing else... I've never been good at letting people go... Never been good at giving up on them, never been good at saying good bye... Some things I just don't want to learn.

Part II

God really drove His point home this weekend... You know how when you keep hearing the same thing over and over again from different sources it just confirms it? Well that's what's been happening the last 2 days. I went to Shabbat on Saturday (I haven't been in months) and Ronnie was talking about not being equally yoked, of all things! I talked to him after the service and was just like, what even made you talk about it today of all days? His answer: God... Go figure... So I told him a bit of what's been going on with me and he just confirmed what everyone else has been saying.

God's grace has been unbelievable so far...

Yesterday, Sunday, church was unbelievable... John was talking about God's grace and how He is the one who is after us, how He is even more excited about us than we are about Him, how He loves us so much more than we can even imagine, how He just wants our hearts, how He's after our hearts and will do anything to be in relationship with us, have our worship and have us understand His grace.

I finished the book last night, and that's where I got somewhat stumped... As I reached the end of it, it wasn't what I expected... 33 chapters of how it could never be and the 34th of how it can... The last chapter was completely different from all the rest and even made me wonder if the author was aware it was there... As I kept reading and re-reading it, I almost felt mocked... How can a situation be so similar, yet so different... how can the seemingly impossible still come to pass? I know it's happened before, I've heard and read stories about this "exception to the rule", and here was perhaps the most beautiful one of them all... Why give me this glimmer of hope after going through the entire book and accepting the seemingly inevitable? Because God is good, and if He wants to, He can... I'm still not sure what to make of this chapter... I don't want false hope, and that is why my hope is in God alone, not in the chance that things might work out. Either scenario won't change my relationship with Him, and I think that's the place where He wants my heart to be regardless of the outcome.

Movie, Book, and a Wedding

Monday:

Cheryl convinced me to watch "The Story of Us" at her house. Her exact words were. "You'll love it!" I didn't. Don't recommend it at all, as it was pretty awful... Basically, it was about a marriage gone bad (the husband and wife were clearly not Christian, duh!) and how in the end they finally saw each other from the other's perspective, but yet nothing got resolved. Sorry, but I disagree that love is enough to make a relationship work. Love needs to be backed up by a commitment, which ideally should be rooted in a relationship with Christ. Pride and Prejudice still stands alone as my ultimate relationship movie because of its sweetness, innocence and purity, without all the yelling and profanity which I just can not stand. In the end, it just showed the kind of marriage I NEVER want to have. Relationships are hard enough as it is... Being in one without God is downright impossible.



Thursday:


Before I left Cheryl's on Monday, I took a few books from her that I wanted to read, one of them being Quest for Love: True Stories of Passion and Purity by Elisabeth Elliot, the author or Passion and Purity. I obviously didn't realize that, or else I wouldn't have taken the book... I only took it because I thought it would be filled with a bunch of cute, sweet, heartwarming love stories to make me feel all good and fuzzy inside... Boy, was I dead wrong! There is absolutely NOTHING cute about that book! It is a HARD read! Quite frankly, I'm not sure I want to meet this lady... I haven't read Passion and Purity for a reason... I've been scared to... Well, I got a good dose of its medicine with this book and boy, oh boy, was it needed... I got slapped BIG TIME! I finally got around to reading the book Thursday morning, and as I told Cheryl later on that evening, I was perfectly happy before I opened it, but by the third chapter or so, it was like buckets of ice cold water were being poured over my hot sun drenched skin. It hurt that bad... I was in shock, in tears, full of pain, anguish, and disappointment in myself as I finally saw what I was doing from God's perspective and was faced with an ultimatum: either to obey once and for all, suffering temporary pain or bear consequences of a more serious nature than just a broken heart.

Granted, the book is old and its author even older, with most of the stories taking place in the 18 and 19 hundreds and having to do with missionary couples. As irrelevant as some stories were to my contemporary life, the timeless principles still stood. There were also enough current examples to show me that I wasn't the first one to make these mistakes, and make me realize that my situation was not an exception to the rule. So yea... it was so blunt and so clear... LOL, I guess God got tired of me going back and forth on this and decided to set me straight... very firmly. Every love story is different while every heartbreak story is usually the same... you can see it coming a mile away. When God's basic principles of male/female relationships are broken, a happy ending is no longer a possibility. Now that I look back, I see that I broke the most basic principles right from the beginning... bending them little by little until they snapped one by one. My "passion" got the best of my "purity" and I've been stifling God's whisper in heart informing me of a way of escape because I couldn't bear the thought of giving up what has come to be so dear to me. Well now the whisper has turned into an undeniable shout. There's really only one way to deal with a tangled mass of confusion... As I poured my heart out to God in sorrow and repentance, my prayer was, "Lord, if it is Your will, I know You can make it happen in Your time under different circumstances, and I would love that, but if not, please remove it from my heart and life forever."

Friday:

I've been looking forward to Brian and Melissa's wedding for a while now... Mostly because I know Brian and well, I've been close with Melissa ever since she moved here and started coming to YP. I remember all the times we talked on the phone and hung out and discussed boys ;) I remember standing in the card isle at Safeway when she called me freaking out because Brian asked her out for the first time right in front of a guy she was "in love with" at the moment. I remember her telling God that He's got the wrong guy and Him in return responding, no, I've got the RIGHT guy, it's you who has the WRONG one. I just love their love story... It's quirky, funny, and very sweet... I'm so happy for them... Their story is a true testimony of God's involvement and faithfulness in the most intimate areas of our lives... He is SO GOOD!!!

Wait For It...

So yesterday God taught me another cool lesson :)
I was meeting some friends for lunch after church at Mill Creek Town Center, but there was some festival going on, so Main Street was blocked off and traffic was horrible! People walking around everywhere and absolutely nowhere to park. I was following some friends and after driving around for about half an hour I just got so frustrated and annoyed that I was like, forget it, I don't even want this anymore, and left. They called me up later telling me they found parking and were inside, but I was already pretty far so I said, oh well, sorry, maybe next time. Later, as I was going through a drive through (I won't tell you which one :P), the line was taking forever, and again, I was just ready to give up and say, forget it, I don't even want this anymore, I'm gonna go get something else, because I didn't want to wait. I stuck it out though and finally after getting food I went to the park to lie in the sun and wait for John and Vita to finish whatever they were doing so that I could go to camp with them. Again, as I was waiting, I was getting frustrated and impatient thinking about other things I could be doing and other people I could be with (YP BBQ). I was just about to say, forget it, I don't even want to go to camp anymore, when God spoke to me... Wait for it. Excuse me, Lord? If you wait for it, you'll get it. Get what? The parking spot, the drive through food, going to camp... whatever...

Sometimes when we want something and it doesn't come easily to us, we have to wait for it. We may be ok with waiting for a little bit, but if it gets too long we think about all the other things we are missing out on in the meantime. The frustration of waiting can even cause us to no longer want the thing we are waiting for, as we are ready to quit and go after something different, something easier to acquire. Meanwhile, if we just wait, eventually we will get it... When God promises us something and we don't get it right away we all too eagerly walk away from it, thinking it will never come, and therefore missing it. If I didn't drive away, I would have eventually found a parking spot as my friends did. If I would have got out of the drive through line, I wouldn't have gotten my food, and if I didn't wait for John and Vita I wouldn't have gone to camp and gotten ridiculously blessed :) True, there are always alternatives, but they are not what you really originally wanted and may not be what God has for you. Wait for it... just wait for it. Seems so simple, yet so hard especially when you don't see the end of waiting in sight, but it is there, and if you wait, you will get what you're waiting for, but if you walk away pursuing other things, you won't get it. And then we can't say, see, I didn't get it! Of course you didn't get it! You didn't wait for it! It was on it's way to you!

Patience is not one of my strong virtues, but it's something God is working on in me. Love is patient... I've always wondered why patience was first on the list of love's attributes, and now I think I know... Love knows how to wait :)

3 Days of Love

Friday: Ben and Laura's Wedding:

It was by far the most beautiful, holy, pure, sweet, innocent wedding I have ever been to. Now, I go to Christian weddings all the time. In fact, I've only been to a couple of non-Christian weddings so far and let me tell you, they can't even hold a candle to the purity of love that I see in my friend's faces when they acknowledge, in front of all their guests, that it was God who brought them together and that it is their individual love for Him that their love for each other is based on.
Ben - I'm so happy for him and so very proud of him. I respect, honor and value him a great deal as an amazing friend. He has been there for me so many times and we have had a lot of fun together. He is truly a man of God, above reproach and he really does deserve Laura :)
Laura - I'm in awe of this girl's purity and how she has kept not only her body, but her heart untouched and whole for Ben. She has made sure that Ben would be the only man to not only have her body but her heart as well, and I salute that. She is a real gem and I couldn't have picked a more perfect girl for Ben :)

Saturday: Jamie and Kwadwo's Engagement Party:

Kwadwo is the one who introduced me to Ben, and I knew Jamie from the GC Dance Team. I loved them both dearly and knew they were good friends, but never ever thought they would end up together. In fact, I remember the day Kwadwo told me that he has asked Jamie to be his girlfriend I was shocked. Happy for them, but still very surprised. Now, of course, I can't imagine them with anyone else :) They are so clearly ridiculously in love, it's beautiful! A little different from Ben and Laura, but just as pure. They are a very fun couple and I love being around them. Their favorite activity is making out lol and I salute that too :P

Sunday: Image Youth Camp:

During the pre-service prayer, we were instucted to pray with one other person, so I grabbed Nathy, one of my newer girls, and started praying for her. As I was praying, we both started crying and as I was just speaking into her life, it hit me: Wow, I really love this girl... No surprise there, because prayer really bonds people together. That's why couples are discouraged from praying together until they are at least engaged and married couples are encouraged to pray together as often as they possibly can. The reason I'm so close with so many of my friends is because we are constantly praying with and for each other. When I'm praying with someone, that's when the love and the passion come and often, that's when the tears come.
At the end of service, as John was wrapping up, Sveta and I were sitting at the altar together, just holding each other and crying together, praying for each other and speaking into each other's lives. It was powerful :P She later told me that during this time she just felt such a compassionate love for the youth, like she was ready to lay her life down for them... I welcomed her to the club :) I really am ready and willing to lay my life down for my church, my pastors, my girls, my friends, my ministry... That's love... God's love poured out in our hearts... Supernatural, unconditional love... Love that conquers all.

(Un)Qualified

I have to say I've been thoroughly enjoying the job search process. I don't think I've ever wanted to work this bad :P! Right now I'm at a point where I'd highly appreciate having a job... ANY job! Meanwhile, God has been using this time to teach me some very profound concepts, one of which hit me especially hard today.

While browsing numerous ads and reading countless job descriptions I've found myself thinking one of two things. Either "Oh, I can totally do this!" or "Umm... I don't think I'm qualified for this." The jobs that I considered myself qualified for consisted mostly of things that I've done before and was very comfortable with, and the jobs that intimidated me into deeming myself unqualified consisted of duties that I've either never done before or haven't done enough to feel comfortable doing. Makes sense right? I was scared to apply for and take on a job where I stood a chance of failing. And then it hit me today as I was driving around different Starbucks' dropping off my applications and talking to managers, I CAN LEARN!!!

At some point or another all of us were "unqualified" for our current position. We didn't always have the knowledge, skills, abilities and experience that we do right now. We've all had to learn, both through theory and hands on experience in order to be successful. I would have never imagined myself doing some of the things I'm doing right now and have done in the past, and I'm pretty proud of everything I've learned along the way. Sometimes I don't think I give myself enough credit concerning what I'm really and truly capable of doing.

When communicating with perspective employers, I think the most crucial thing to convey about yourself is that you are teachable and willing to learn. I remember a while back Vik told me I was unteachable. I got pretty upset with him... "What are you talking about I'm unteachable? I'm a teacher!" It was so true though... I was so proud and arrogant I thought everything I touched turned to gold and no one could tell me I was wrong or correct me. Let's just say I've been humbled since then :)

Where there's a will, there's a way... If you want something bad enough, you'll do whatever it takes to get it, there's no such thing as "unqualified" or "unable". So I guess the question with me in my job search wasn't whether or not I could perform certain job tasks but whether or not I wanted to learn to perform them... Our desires compel us to do all that we do. True, there are many things that hinder us from following through, but in the end, it's always up to us, we are in control of our own destinies...

Weight Shift

This weekend was rough. I haven't been shaken up like this in a long time... I thought the good times would outweigh the bad, but I really had to battle it out... In the midst of it, God showed me who and where I would be without Him and it honestly scared the crap out of me... I'm clinging to Him with all I've got because there's no way I'm going back.

So on Saturday I came home around 5pm and I was just supposed to shower, change and meet back up with my wonderful, amazing, super loving fun friends, but because I've been running on very little sleep lately, I was really tired, so I decided to lie down for a while and take a nap. Well, I didn't get any rest, because once again, my mind was bombarded with thoughts and memories and being a creative person, I was creating things and images in my mind that were pretty much tearing me up :(... So I was just lying in bed, torturing myself with these thoughts, getting all sad and teary eyed and then it hit me, or I should say God hit me with a "Holy Spirit slap": WHAT THE HECK AM I DOING?! I am NOT gonna allow myself to get depressed!!! I could feel it creeping up on me, trying to overwhelm me and it totally scared me! I was like, oh heck no, no way! I've been there, done that, and NEVER AGAIN! It shocked me in such a way that I literally jumped out of bed and into the shower! I couldn't get it off me and get away from it fast enough lol. And then I called my friends with "Where are you? What are you doing? I'm coming!" On my drive over to meet with them God showed me such a clear picture of who and where I would be if I allowed myself to wallow in depression over what was going on that it literally freaked me out. I couldn't thank God enough for saving me from myself...

Yesterday, on Sunday, church was so stinking powerful... We had communion and John was calling out people who have been going through attacks that have been undermining their strength and faith. At that point I didn't care that I was a leader, pastor's assistant, teacher, whatever! I could care less who was looking and what people thought, I was the first one to step out and come forward. I wanted to be free from the crap that was weighing me down. The only place I want to cry at is at the altar. I feel safe there, surrounded by people who love me and want to pray for me. If there's anything at all that I learned from John, it's to be open, honest, personal and transparent. And it starts at the altar.

Later on that evening I was hanging with my City Church friends after seeing WALL-E with them, and my friend Renee's mom was there. That lady is so sweet, such a blessing from God in my life! She could tell that something still wasn't sitting right with me, so she took me aside, and the first thing she told me was, "You're really special." I was like, thanks, I know, but it doesn't make me feel better. So we talked and I more or less told her what was on my heart. So she ministered to me in her sweet motherly way, reminding me not to hold on to the grief and the sadness, but give it to God. Weight Shift, Pastor Judah preached about it at YP last fall...

So that's my story. I feel so human sometimes, like I really am susceptible to all this bad stuff if I allow myself to get sucked up in it. The difference is, I don't want to, and the power I have on the inside won't let me. I just submit myself to God and He won't let me go out of His will for my life. I may be barely hanging by a string at times, but I've got nowhere to fall except His loving arms :) He's really got me, even when my whole world is spinning out of control, I'm safe in Him... I trust Him... He's faithful...