The Response

I caved :) It took a while (much too long), but I was finally driven to my knees (because I realized I had nowhere else to go) in repentance. This weekend has been the tipping point. The final realization that this was a dead end, the rock bottom, the straw that broke the camel's back.

On Sunday, I went to my church in the AM, but bolted out of there as soon as the pastor said "Amen" :( I hate doing that, because I know that when I can't stick around to chat with my friends and hug my pastors, something is seriously wrong. And my pastors know that. They can read my guilty eyes from a mile away... My life is an open book to them even when I don't say a word. I swear God tells them stuff! I love my church, without a doubt, it's my family, but I must admit that sometimes I go there because I feel like I "have to". To make an appearance, to pick up the mail, to host, to teach, to serve...

That's why every once in a while, I like to sneak away to MH (Mars Hill Church) in the PM... Because if I go there, it's because I either really "want to" or "need to" and I'm doing it for myself... It's also nice to go somewhere where you don't run into everyone you know and you don't have to give hugs and lie when people ask you how you're doing. Because I can't lie... Even though I do know a lot of people who go to MH, it's very rare that I actually run into any of them since there are so many different services and campuses and the place is just BIG. So yea, it's nice to just go and sit and absorb, and not feel like I have to take notes (even though sometimes I do because I want to). It's also nice to be able to have communion (they have it every Sunday) because I do believe that there's SO much power in it... And it's also nice to talk to a pastor who doesn't know you and the fact that this is like the 10th time you're having this issue so you don't feel like a total idiot... I adore my pastors, but sometimes I just really hate bothering them with the same problem... It's like GROW UP, ANNA!!! And I know they'll never say that, or make me feel bad because I know they love me, but confessing the same thing over and over again, just makes me feel dumb...

Anyway, somewhere between my church and MH, "it" happened... The dam broke, the floodgates opened, my heart finally melted and surrendered and I said the words I've been holding out on for so long... "I'm sorry. I repent. Please forgive me."

Going to MH sealed the deal... The message was perfect... The worship was custom, the prayer was dead on... I'm still amazed at how God takes care of everything... I was teary eyed and sniffly the whole time, and I know He held me throughout the entire service... We had a heart to heart moment when I asked Him if He enjoys having me around and He said yes, because I'm His precious daughter :) At the end of the service I went upfront to talk to a pastor, get prayer and "cleanse my soul"... There's something about verbalizing and putting feelings and actions into words that's powerful...

So yea... That's it... It's done :) This morning I got a little miracle helping make things easier (because doing the right thing is never easy), and I'm really grateful for it :) Pray for me to be strong, and brave and courageous... I have a feeling I'm gonna need it... BUT... I can do ALL things through Christ, who strengthens me :)!!!

Getting Off The Crack...

In the last couple of days I've come to a pretty scary conclusion - Sin is like Crack (the drug, that is).

Sin - Doing what you know you shouldn't/Not doing what you know you should. Hence you're sinning against yourself (and the God who created you :P). More often than not, your sin affects not only yourself, but those around you as well... Especially those who care about you.

Crack - a highly addictive and powerful stimulant. It is abused because it produces an immediate high and because it is easy and inexpensive to produce. The pleasant effects of crack wear off quickly, causing users to feel 'down' or depressed, more than before taking the drug. Can be used as a pain reliever.

Sin, like Crack, is highly addictive. You need to "up the dosage" every time you "use" to get the same "high". And the withdrawals suck. Often, it's the "easy" way out, a sure way to release the stress, the pain, the anxiety, and to feel good for a little while... And I'm not gonna lie, while you're doing it, it does feel good. But once it's over, the guilt, the shame and the condemnation set in and you're miserable!

And so I got hooked on some "crack"... And didn't even realize it until I started getting the withdrawals and the side effects... And it was horrible... And yet, I couldn't just give it up, I couldn't quit, couldn't let go, it was too hard, the "high" felt too good... And so I prayed... Prayed in my guilt and in my shame, asking God to help me, still looking for a way I could keep the "high" without all the side effects... And then I heard Him. His response was a gentle, yet forceful slap that was meant to shake me sober: "You want me to comfort you in your sin, but I'm waiting to comfort you in your repentance." Ouch...

The Heart of a Father

In my walk with God, I think my favorite part, by far, is knowing that He is not just my God, but my Father. My Dad... And I think that's what defines the dynamics of our relationship. Having Him in that role, knowing that that's how He sees me and that's how He loves me - as His child.

My "real" dad is not completely horrible, but let's just say he wasn't the best example of a loving, caring father while I was growing up, especially during my adolescence when I needed him the most. In fact, if I really wanted to, I could easily blame all of my "issues" on him and be right according to a lot of psychologists, philosophers and theologists. Fathers play a crucial part in a child's life... I may even go as far as to say that the father's role is much more important than the mother's. Mothers may give life, but Fathers give identity...

Thank God my earthly father isn't the only example of a father figure in my life, or else I'd really be messed up! Somehow, God has always taken care to surround me with father figures who were, in fact, great examples of how a father should love his child(ren). In the past, a friend or a boyfriend's family have always "adopted" me. My pastor is definitely my spiritual father, but recently it's been the fathers of the kids I nanny who have impacted me the most. They are so amazing, I've come to see both of them as prototypes of the type of man I want to have children with one day.

No matter how awesome a father is though, his children will still make mistakes, mess up, disappoint and do the wrong thing. At least every once in a while... So what does a father do? How does he respond? Does he get mad and punish? Does he shut down and turn cold towards the child, ignoring and avoiding all interaction? Does he turn mean and abusive? Or does he love the child through it in patience, grace and kindness?

I've been rebelling against my heavenly Father for several weeks now... My own shame and guilt have caused me to avoid Him and cringe at the thought of punishment. And I know that that broke His heart more than my rebellion. He can deal with my sin. In fact, through Jesus' work on the cross, He already has. My wrongdoings don't hurt Him. Me questioning His love for me, does. Last week, I got to witness a tender interaction between a 3 year old boy I nanny and his dad. The child was being fussy, and the father's gentleness with him just amazed me... It was like God Himself was speaking to me and saying, "I know you're being fussy right now and are not ready to deal with what you have to do, but it's OK I'm still here and I still love you and I will wait for you." Wow...

Our God is the God who created everything. He can do anything and everything. His strength and power cannot be fully grasped by our finite human minds, and yet, His love for us is just as strong and just as powerful as His almighty strength. His heart is all encompassing... The heart of a Father... And I'm so grateful for the love that flows out of that heart :)

We Talked :)

He knows me so well... And He speaks to me in ways He knows I'll understand... Through music :) It's amazing what one can hear once you're actually ready to hear it... The songs I've been listening to for years, and haven't heard in years, the songs that I haven't really thought that much of before... Hearing them now, it's loud and clear... God speaking directly to my heart... Into my situation... Giving me the words I can't quite find on my own...

Jaci Velasquez
Album: Heavenly Place
Flower In The Rain

You are the one, there's no one else
Who lifts me up and gives me water from the well.
But there's a hole that seems to drain it all away.
And once again I'm left in fear and doubt
When all my strength is crying out.

So, here I am again
Willing to be opened up and broken like a flower in the rain.
Tell me what have I to do to die and then be raised,
To reach beyond the pain like a flower in the rain?

The evil wind, it blows a storm to rock my world
Just when think I'm safe and warm.
I'm led astray far too easily.
It's always hard for me to see I'm wrong,
Until I know I can't go on.

Lord, You have searched me and know
When I sleep and when I rise.
You're familiar with all my ways.
Even the darkness will shine
Like the day when You look into my heart.

Jaci Velasquez
Album: Heavenly Place
Shelter

How the mind can wander, how the heart can stray.
Suddenly you're on the edge of darkness.
How it makes me ponder, how I'm led away
Down a path that leaves me worn and tarnished.
Battling with the will within,
I have known all along that I should lean on You.
'Cause I'm never strong enough to fight it on my own.

Shelter me, the ways of the world are at my feet.
Shelter me from the desires that deceive.
You are the fortress I need, shelter me.

Well, how the mind can alter, how the heart can change,
When you set your sights on holiness.
And though at times you falter, it's the only way
You can find a place of peace to rest.
Safe from danger surrounding me,
Safe from looming defeat
When temptation is at my door,
Lord, I need a harbor, be my soul's retreat.

You will never leave me stranded, fending for myself.
When the enemy advances, You are there to help,
Standing in the gap for me whenever I grow weak.
You are my deliverer, the refuge that I seek.