Last night at See Sound I came to a humbling realization... I still tend to freeze up on rare occasions when I have no clue what my partner is doing. Luckily for me, it was quickly followed by another, happier realization - I'm actually really good at getting back on beat even when I momentarily do get off of it.

Which got me thinking... I've already written a blog about the importance of sticking to the basics when one messes up, but what about sticking to the beat? In salsa, the beat of the music is everything. It's what "makes" a particular dance. Salsa, Cha-cha, Bachata and Merengue each have their own unique beat that enables the dancers to dance it a certain way. The beat is the rhythm, the heart, the soul and the life of a particular song... Lose it, and you might as well get off the floor and take a seat, because you're done... Everything done outside of the beat may look great, but deep down, you KNOW you're off and your dance won't last. Off beat leads and off beat follows just don't make for a good dance... They are clashing with the music, with themselves, with each other and occasionally even with other dancers.

Which got me thinking even more... What is the beat of our dance with God? Or more importantly, what is the beat of His song? If you've spent any amount of time in His presence, you know the answer... God's heartbeat is love... Love for people. Are we on the same beat in our dance (walk) with Him? When we get off the beat, how quickly do we realize it and get back on?

I love how God speaks to me... On Saturday I knew that I was off of His beat, but it was Sunday when He communicated that to me through dance... I love these parallels :) And I love Him... His song and His beat... Jesus, please help me to be just as quick in recognizing when I'm off Your beat as when I realize that I'm off beat on the dance floor. And please help me be even quicker in getting back on ;)

EuroTrip and TravelBug

Yes, I realize that my trip to Europe happened about a month ago, but I just couldn't bring myself to write about it until now. Maybe because I've been too busy plotting to go back. Unfortunately, now I realize that aside from vacations, my new dream of living in the UK for a year (or two) won't be coming to pass this year. Or maybe for a couple of more years... We'll see. Either way, it's something worth waiting for :)

So yea... Europe... London and Paris in particular... WOW... I mean what is there to say, really? It's EUROPE! A whole different world... A step back into history and yet a step forward in so much more. I was in awe, swept off my feet, romanced, charmed and enthralled by my time there. But let's talk about London and Paris separately, since it wouldn't be fair to treat them the same when they are so intricately different (and so were my experiences there).


London




I want to live there. I could live there. Easily. Besides the fact that I was speaking fluent British (which is a whole different language in itself) by Day 3 and that there's a Starbucks on every corner, I felt so comfortable and so at home on its streets, on the Tube, and on the buses. I absolutely loved all of the different neighborhoods, stations, parks and buildings. Especially the buildings! As a history junkie, I was in heaven just looking at all these magnificent buildings, museums and churches, touching their walls and imagining the history behind them. I felt like I was in a movie. Or in a book. Like I've literally been taken back though time to the days when horse drawn carriages roamed these cobblestone streets and men in black trench coats and top hats walked around town conducting politics. Very romantic. London is gorgeous, but not in a pretty, flowery kind of way. Its beauty resides in a more sophisticated, almost masculine, strong and arrogant aura. It knows what it has and it's proud of it. The two building that have particularly captured my heart were the Parliament building (Big Ben) and the Shakespeare's Globe Theatre. I couldn't get enough of them, taking pictures from every possible angle and staring at them long enough to assure that their image would be forever imprinted in my memory.

Another reason I enjoyed London so much was the culture, the diversity, the hustle and bustle of a busy urban town that had anything and everything and then some. I loved Hillsong London. I loved their love for this city and its people. I loved their "modern" approach of reconciling "the culture" to "the church". I loved the salsa scene. I loved the liveliness of the streets at night, the easily accessible and available public transportation. I loved the shopping, the many restaurants, shows and art... It was "my" kind of town...


Paris




Now, I cannot talk about my whirlwind 24 hour trip to Paris without talking about "the boy". Let's call him A. I met A on the Eurostar train from London to Paris and he was literally an answer to a prayer. The prayer that was really an anguished cry for help, "God, please send me someone to enjoy Paris with!" I mean, it's Paris, who in their right mind would want to be there all alone? I actually almost didn't go to Paris because I was too anxious about not (really) speaking French, finding my way around by myself and staying at a hostel for the first time in my life. As always, God came through above and beyond all expectations. A and I had seats next to each other on the train and he started talking to me, commenting on my "Guide to Paris" and the C.S. Lewis vs. Freud book I was reading (he was also a Christian interested in theology!). He, himself, was reading two scientific magazines, one in English, one in French. Oh, and I did I mention he was cute and spoke British with a French accent? Yea... Anyway, to make a long story short (and it is a long story, believe me), he became my knight in shining armor and we ended up hanging out in Paris (under/at/in/by the Eiffel Tower) that night, holding hands, walking along the river, talking, and getting to know each other. It was a pretty perfect night of pure and innocent romance, which I wasn't really looking for and didn't necessarily want, but it was still nice. And that was it. He expressed his wishes to see me again someday after this, and I told him he will, but there was some miscommunication in the exchange of information (I think) and we haven't been in touch since.

I spent the next day exploring Paris on my own... Notre Dame, The Louvre, Champs Elysées & Arc de Triomphe and everything else in between... It was a hot sunny day and I did manage to get lost a few times, but it all worth it... I even got to have my little "French cafe lunch people watching" experience and drank in all the memories as photogenically as I could. Overall, I was overwhelmed by all the sights, smells and just the sheer volume of people everywhere speaking all different languages. It was unreal being there, in PARIS, for such a short time, trying to take in so much so quickly and not really getting to reflect on it. I loved it, but couldn't wait to get on the train back to London, which felt super cozy, safe and familiar at that point.


TravelBug


So I've been a bit restless since I got back... I can hear Europe calling my name daily... The fact that I actually have friends living there in about 3 different countries (UK, Spain, and soon Italy)doesn't help either. And so I'm planning my future vacations... Maybe I'll run into A again... Then again, maybe not. I know my life and my future are in God's hands... He is SO in control! And that gives me a peace of mind in the midst of my conflicting desires... Stay here or live abroad? I want to travel, I want to explore, I want to be free to experience the fullness of God's creation... There's so much I haven't seen yet... So how do I do it all? A little bit at a time... :)

Free to Dance!

It. Is. FINISHED!!! My 40 day sabattical, that is :). For those of you who are still not quite sure of the What? When? Why? deal, here's a quick recap: a few months ago my priorities were out of wack: heart in the wrong place, thoughts scattered all over, body physically exhausted, purity and destiny on the verge of compromise. A sad place to be, I know. What started out as good clean fun was quickly turning into not so good, not very clean, and definitely not fun. I was losing my joy, my peace, my purpose, "myself" essentially... And it sucked. So I talked to a couple of mentors and decided to make some changes. Start with the woman in the mirror, per se.

DrawingClearLines came as a result. It felt good to take a stand, but my "relief" was short lived as three of my closest friends misunderstood my intentions and proceeded to stop being friends with me in response. That same weekend, my pastor asked me to take a 40 day fast from the dance scene, because she knew it played a big role in my frustration. Needless to say it was tough to say yes to that. Dancing has become my everything. But it wasn't even the "dancing"... Dancing in itself wasn't an issue. My pastors have always been very supportive of my passion for dance. What they weren't supportive of is it taking over my thoughts, emotions, and my "life" in terms of priorities, morals, values and standards. Taking this step of obedience (to God speaking through my pastor) felt like jumping off a cliff because I had no idea what would happen. On one hand, hiding out sounded good, but I knew this wasn't what this fast was supposed to be about. And so here I was, ostracized by my old "crew" and about to isolate myself even further by going on a 40 day sabbatical from an entire lifestyle that I've been keeping up for the past six months. I was apprehensive to say the least.

God is faithful. So very faithful... Even when we are faithless, He remains faithful. As soon as I made a decision to trust God and go through with the fast, peace flooded my heart and mind. The searing pain I felt over my friends' rejection was eased by hope in God's promise that ALL things were going to work out for my good and His glory... The most miraculous part was Beautiful Feet... These girls were sheer gifts to me, and even though two of them are no longer physically here, our bond of "sisterhood" is strong enough to carry love and support over thousands of miles :) I am in awe of how God provided what I needed in light of Him taking away what I didn't... Oh, how He loves me :)

So while I hate being an example of what not to do, I can deal with it knowing that through repentance and pruning, comes fruitfulness :) SlowHealing is a piece of that fruit. Written half way through the fast, it highlights some of the insights I've been reflecting on. Other miraculous fruits include the Hawaii resolution, TEFL course, my (upcoming) trip to London/Paris, my new administrative position at the church, nearly tripling my IG (the group of girls I mentor), fun wedding road trip, reconnecting with old friends and "rediscovering" myself :)

This video is how I truly feel right now... FREE! My joy is back :) Makes me want to run, fly and soar... Or just jump around and DANCE!

Slow Healing

I'm just about half way through my 40 days, and it's nice... I'm pretty much settled into the "new" routines, "new" bedtimes (lol) and "new" surroundings. In fact, I like being in this "bubble" so much, that I'm considering doing 40 more days! Ok, fine, I wont :P It does feel good to be nurtured, strengthened, refreshed, recharged and healed and restored though :) Even though I already feel 200% better, I don't want to cut my regiment short. It's too good! I'm getting too much out of it :) Here's what's been on my mind thus far:

*You can only rebuild that which has already been broken. It's the whole potter/clay analogy... Mold me, shape me, form me...

*I value grace when I recognize it being given to me by God. But I value it so much more now that I realize how much I need it from people as well.

*Damage can be done instantaneously. A misinterpreted word, look or touch (or lack thereof altogether) can often be enough to cause damage equivalent to a gunshot wound (through the heart).

*Some time ago, I fell for the first time while rollerblading at Greenlake. As my knee made contact with the road, the bloody mess appeared right away, while the pain didn't. Still, I played it tough, got up, brushed myself off and rollerbladed the rest of the way back even as blood was trickling down my leg. In fact, I didn't feel any pain or even realize the extent of the damage until I tried to clean it up later. While cleaning up was necessary, ironically, it was also the most painful.

*Soul wounds are parallel to physical wounds, and can fester with infections of anger, bitterness and resentment. They need to be treated with an anti-bacterial ointment (God's love poured into our hearts via the Word of God a.k.a. the Bible).

*Scabs are tricky... You never want to remove them prematurely for the risk of having to go through the healing process all over again. Let them fall off naturally and on their own, even if it does take more time... While it may be fun to test and push the boundaries, the additional pain resulting from that is not worth it.

*I think scars are there to be a testimony, a constant reminder of what happened and a warning to not let it happen again.

*It's not what you do, or what is done to you that matters. It's how you respond in the aftermath. We can't control the actions of others, and sometimes even our own actions get misinterpreted or are just plain wrong altogether. So what do we do when we do wrong or are done wrong? I think the first step is to recognize (what really happened), the second is to forgive (yourself and the other person) and the third is to make amends (make things right and move on without holding any grudges).

*It has never ceased to amaze me how quickly the good can be forgotten when faced with the bad. Sure, we enjoy and appreciate kindness the moment it happens, but as soon as something goes wrong, it's like our memory becomes wiped clean of the good stuff and we only hold on to the bad. I want it to be the opposite for me: forget the bad stuff the moment it happens and hold on to the good forever :)

*Always think the best of people... I doesn't matter what kind of crazy thoughts and ideas are swarming in my head, I choose to think the best... And treat people according to that. I would be lying if I said I had it down... I don't... I'm working on it... Or I should say, God is working it out in me :)

*There is no fear (of rejection) in love, but perfect love (of Christ in me) casts out ALL fear :)

Drawing Clear Lines

I love people. I am what you call an "extravagant extrovert". I get extreme pleasure from being around people and making new friends. I know no strangers.

I also love God. Jesus Christ, to be specific. I crave time in His presence, hearing His voice, feeling His touch, talking to Him, and seeing His reality in my life and the lives of others who know Him. I am what you call a "Christian".

And so my life was great... Loving God and loving people. In that order. And that's what made it great. My love for God overflowing into my love for people. All was good, my priorities were right and my heart was at peace. For a while...

I'm so ashamed to admit it, but somewhere along the line, that order switched. People came first and I began to compromise my relationship with God for my relationships with people. And I didn't even realize it until I was ready and willing to throw it all away. I looked at some of the people I was surrounding myself with and I actually envied them. They were "normal" and didn't have spiritual convictions and responsibilities to regulate their words and actions. The general rule of thumb seemed to be: If it makes you happy/feels good, then do it and deal with the consequences later. And so I wanted to be "normal". More specifically, I wanted to be free to do whatever I felt like at the moment and to date whomever I wanted without having this "issue" of "religion" (or lack thereof) come in the way. And then it hit me... I've already been there and done that... All of it. And where did it get me? I shudder to recall... And yet here I was, caught in compromise, eager to please my friends while leaving Jesus on the outskirts of whatever time/energy I had left after all the parties, dances and late night escapades. And it has cost me...

Thinking about it now, I have conformed so much to the crowd, I nearly lost myself and what I believe in. Reading The Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis really opened my eyes to what I got tangled up in, and has finally given me the resolve to shake it off and stand up for myself, my faith and my Christian lifestyle again. And so I will no longer give in to please others, try to fit in where I don't belong, apologize for being "different", stay silent when I need to speak, laugh when I need to stay quiet, and say "it's OK" when it's really not. There are actually two things in particular that I'm really not OK with, and for the last few days they've been agitating me so much, I'm going to mention them here.

1. Drinking/Seeing people (especially my friends) get drunk (or buzzed, whatever).

2. Cussing. Especially when people use the name of God as a curse word, and especially if it's girls. Hearing cuss words is like the sound of nails on the chalkboard for me. It irks me to no end and I hate it with a passion.

So these are just two of the things that I no longer want to be around. I still love people, and I absolutely adore my friends, but I love Jesus more. Way more. Yes, I'm a friend, and yes, I'm a dancer, but above all that I'm a Christian, and what may be "normal" for others may not always be normal for me. I'm called to a higher standard of life... And if the people in my life can't respect me, who I am, what I believe, and the lifestyle I live, then maybe they are not my friends to begin with... All I know is that I'm done compromising.

Out on a limb...

Every now and then a situation comes along when it seems like what you want is finally within reach. And so we make plans, dream dreams, and dare to get our hopes up. We feel the thrill, the excitement, the anticipation. We can almost taste the success... We go for it, put ourselves out there, give it our best shot, all we've got, and then hold our breath and wait... All for nothing... Nothing but a slammed door in the face.

So what happens when we fail? Or when life seemingly fails us? What then? When hopes and dreams are dashed and crumbled, hearts broken and spirits crushed? Rejection is never pleasant, no matter which form it comes in. So what do we do? Dig a hole of self pity and bury ourselves in it? Hide in a dark corner of depression and cry bitter tears of resentment? The temptation to do all that is great...

Natural reaction to pain is always self defense for the fear of getting hurt again. When we make ourselves vulnerable, we risk getting hurt. And maybe 9 out of 10 times we will... So why do we keep doing it? Because that one time is worth it. Because you know that in order to get what you want you gotta keep trying. I'm all for "If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No need to make a fool out of yourself." Also, the definition of insanity is to do the same thing over and over while expecting different results. So by all means, common sense is very called for. No need to keep pursuing a shut door...

At the end of the day, what keeps you going and looking forward to the days ahead? I believe it's faith, hope and love mixed in with your God given gifts, talents and desires. Life is hard and pain is inevitable. While we cannot control many things, our attitude is always a choice. The temptation to run and hide every time things don't work out the way we want them to will always be there. Don't do it... It's too easy...

Love cannot not give... Love life. Love others. Love yourself. Love your Creator. And give it all your all :)

"Develop an attitude of faith, hope and love towards life. Many things are possible for the person who has hope. Even more is possible for the person who has faith. Still more is possible for the person who knows how to love. But everything is possible for the person who practices all three virtues."

To follow or not to follow?

Who you follow determines where you end up.

It's fascinating how seamlessly this well known fact of life correlates to the dance world of "leads" and "follows". Generally speaking, a follow simply reflects the actions of a lead(er). It's a simple equation where one variable (the follow) is directly affected by another (the lead). When the two step out on the dance floor, it is understood that one will lead and one will follow, otherwise, there will be no dance. When a follow accepts a dance invitation from a lead, it is pretty much (on a MUCH smaller scale) equivalent to a citizen choosing a president, a church appointing a pastor, a person choosing a mentor. You can only go as far as that person takes you.

In order to obtain growth and improvement, one must always be stretched, challenged and presented with new "stuff". The reason we "look up" to someone is because we recognize that they are "above" us in some way or another and we want that which they have. In every relationship, if we respect the person, we tend to want to emulate something about them, whether it's a character trait, a talent, work ethic, business, ministry, marriage, family life, whatever. These people are our role models, inspirations, "idols"...

Just being around them, however, is not enough. Hanging out with Mother Theresa will not necessarily improve your personality. Improvement can only come from change. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over while expecting different results. There is little we have control over in this world, but the one thing that we can always be in control of is ourselves, our thoughts, our actions, our attitude, and the way we respond to whatever is thrown at us in life. We need to choose to change. And all mental decisions need to be followed through with a physical action. In all of this, there is no place for emotions, because anything established on emotions will sooner or later crash and burn.

Last, and perhaps the most important point: You can't be a good lead without being a good follow. All of my favorite dance leads know how to follow. Coincidence? I think not. In order to better lead, one must be able to relate to the follow. Think of it as a chain of command... Every leader must be leadable... Good follows make the best leads.

So who are you following? Where are you heading? Where will you end up in life? Apostle Paul told the early churches to follow him as he followed Christ. I think that is the most perfect model of leadership there is. Ultimately, Jesus Christ is my only role model and I'm following Him by following those who also follow Him. As a result, I have others following me because I am following Him. I'm both a lead and a follow. Keeps me humble :)