Striking Gold

Well, the first semester at NIU has successfully come to an end and I'll be on my way "home" to Seattle in a few days to spend Christmas and New Year's with my family and old friends :) And as excited as I am to go back and see everything/everyone again, I know I'm going to be just as excited to come back to my "home" here :) Moving to Illinois has truly been one of the best decisions of my life, an experience of "first"s, an adventure, an opportunity of a lifetime, a new beginning, a fresh start, a clean slate . . . a gift, really. A gift I'm really and truly thankful for, a gift that continues to fill my heart with joy and makes me ridiculously happy ;) As I've written before, it was definitely bittersweet to leave Seattle, but I was ready to move on, spread my wings and fly :P Coming and living here has been like striking a gold mine . . . Every. Single. Day. And here's why:

* My house is perfect :) I have never lived in a place this cute and this cozy.

* Our landlord is simply amazing... A picture of Midwestern kindness and hospitality. She got us welcome gifts and Christmas gifts and pretty much provided us with everything we need :)

* My roommate is wonderful . . . I've never had a roommate other than family before, so naturally I was a bit nervous to all of a sudden move in with a complete stranger, but T and I have bonded faster than I ever thought we would and stronger than if we would have used superglue. It is truly priceless to live with not only a friend, but a classmate, a study buddy, a cooking buddy, a cleaning buddy and an overall awesome person. I can't even tell you how many times I have either forgotten something at the house (lunch, homework, Brailler) or needed something from home (a change of clothes, a water bottle) and how T was always there for me! I really love her :)

* My new church is literally a family who "adopted" me along with their 3 adorable kids whom I just can't get enough of :P

* My new friends are super sweet and as cheesy as it sounds, they welcomed me into their lives with open arms and open hearts. It's true what they say about Midwesterners . . . They really are nice :)

* My school and my program are fabulous! I've been learning so much and I really like our campus.

* My classmates are cool, we all get along and help each other out, which is key in a program as challenging as this one. I've never felt isolated or alone. 

* I love my professors!!! They have been super kind, helpful, encouraging and completely on and by my side the entire semester, rooting for my success and believing in my ability to do well.

* The salsa scene in Chicago has been nothing short of welcoming and can I just say . . . I love, love, love, LOVE the leads here!!! Besides being ridiculously good and versatile (On1 AND On2, plus awesome bachata skills), they are SO nice and friendly and AWESOME :)

* And on the romantic front, I have been truly lucky to meet a Chi-town guy who does not take offense to my scathing humor and makes long drives to hang out with me in the 'burbs on weekends ;)

The End...

A casual hi, a casual dance, a winter friendship turned spring romance
The story unfolds through late night texts and calls, two broken hearts playing their roles
Medicating the pain with booze and affection, meeting dead ends and searching for new direction
Need overcomes fear, the void must be filled, yet the walls come back up as budding hope is killed
There's no comfort in truth, just crippling pain, beautiful innocence lost, the holding out was in vain
Addiction is bondage, being chained to the past, living in memories of all that was lost
Future uncertain, emotions come in waves, taking it one step at a time, not planning the days

Why Can't We Be Friends?!?!

I think I've finally accepted a fact of life that I've been trying to fight for a looong time :/ But experience is a hard teacher and this time, I might have just learned the lesson: Guys and girls can't *really* be "just friends". It's a myth that goes against American pop culture (and most other cultures), and as much as it feels warm and fuzzy to believe in, it's just an illusive illusion...

Fact #1 - Guys have GUY friends... And that's all the friends they really need/want. Guys want other GUYS to do stuff with and bond with over life issues... Stuff like watching sports, going to games, talking about cars, eating burgers, drinking beer, smoking cigars, playing cards, and picking up girls. Sure, once in a while a girl comes along who can hang with the guys, and yea, it makes her "cool", but in the end, she is still a girl, and somehow just doesn't fit in...

And with girls, it's pretty similar as well... We pretty much have our "friend" needs fulfilled by other girls... Those who are like us, who understand us, who we can do girl stuff with and rant about guys who piss us off. And sure, we enjoy having our "guy friends" to get "guy" advice from, flirt with and get help with car issues/moving/fixing stuff, but to be honest, in the back of our minds, we are always wondering if they like us, or if we like them, and if maybe one day we can be "more than friends"... Case point: Guys look to other guys for friendship and to women for mating possibilities (NOT necessarily a bad thing). This also applies vice versa.

Fact #2 - Guys only want to become friends with girls they are attracted to. ***And by "friends" I mean more than "casual acquintances". This involves hanging out 1:1, talking on the phone, texting and being "extra" affectionate with and attentive to. I mean having deep, personal, quality conversations, sharing stories, experiences and really connecting heart to heart - and it doesn't even have to be in a romantic way... at first.*** The point is, with guys, the physical (hormonal) attraction comes first, and they want to get closer (friendly) with you because their brain (penis) is already toying with the idea of how you are in bed. When he asks you to grab some food, it's not because his boys are not around, it's because he'd rather spend time with you in hopes that you'll give him what his boys can't - sex. So if you know that someone is already attracted to you (enough to express it and make it known to you/others) and they are trying to become your "friend", it's not purely because they want to get to know you or find out who/how you really are...

Fact #3 - Guys only stay "friends" with you as long as there is that possibility of them getting something more from you. They'll only want to talk, hang out and be alone with you as long as they know they are getting closer to their goal, whatever that may be... Once they realize that their goal will not be achieved and all their efforts are in vain, their interest in being close friends with you will evaporate faster than steam and they'll move on to someone new and more promising... The "friendship" will also evaporate once they do get what they want from you and you'll either move on to being more than friends (dating, relationship, marriage and so on) or retreat back to being casual acquaintances at best, and at worst... strangers.

Now before every guy out there gets offended and hates me (and I have no one left to dance with), let me make it clear that there are exceptions.

Exception #1 - Family members or friends who are significantly (10+ years) older and are seen almost as parent/mentor figures. It's nice to talk to/hang out with/get advice on the opposite sex from a brother/sister/cousin or someone you respect because of their life experience :)

Exception #2 - Shared interests. Guys/girls you see and hang out with in professional/social/religious/GROUP settings where you may share a hobby (dancing :P), a goal (working out?) or any other "life" passion that will give you a good common foundation to build on. Note: These types of friendships are always group based and are better described as "casual acquaintances" with NO 1:1 time/texting/phone conversations. Example: I enjoy dancing with a lot of guys, most of whom I find attractive, and yet I don't spend any quality 1:1 time hanging out/talking to any of them off the dance floor, because it's when I do that things get complicated :/ What's good about hanging out in groups is that you truly get to know someone in their element without expressing an interest in them, so there's no awkwardness/pressure.

Exception #3 - Gays. Hands down, gay men make THE BEST girlfriends, although I'm not sure if gay women make the best guyfriends...


***OTHER DISCLAIMERS***

Please take into consideration the difference between being friends and being friendly. Sure, guys and girls can be friendly at a distance, but bring the two together in a close relationship, and one will always end up wanting more from another. Now whether or not those desires are admitted, expressed, acted out upon or kept in check is a whole another issue, but the point stands: Strictly platonic relations between men and women are hard to come by... Please also take into consideration that everyone has different views on what "friendship" means and how close they are with their friends. In this day and age of blurred gender roles and open relationships, there seems to be no black and white as everything fades into the grey area of "what's true for me may not be true for you" and such, it's sometimes hard to call things out for what they truly are. But again, this is my blog and it's clearly just my opinion that is stated here.

I think this conversation from When Harry Met Sally sums it up quite well:

Harry Burns: You realize of course that we could never be friends.
Sally Albright: Why not?
Harry Burns: What I'm saying is - and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form - is that men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way.
Sally Albright: That's not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved.
Harry Burns: No you don't.
Sally Albright: Yes I do.
Harry Burns: No you don't.
Sally Albright: Yes I do.
Harry Burns: You only think you do.
Sally Albright: You say I'm having sex with these men without my knowledge?
Harry Burns: No, what I'm saying is they all WANT to have sex with you.
Sally Albright: They do not.
Harry Burns: Do too.
Sally Albright: They do not.
Harry Burns: Do too.
Sally Albright: How do you know?
Harry Burns: Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her.
Sally Albright: So, you're saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive?
Harry Burns: No. You pretty much want to nail 'em too.
Sally Albright: What if THEY don't want to have sex with YOU?
Harry Burns: Doesn't matter because the sex thing is already out there so the friendship is ultimately doomed and that is the end of the story.
Sally Albright: Well, I guess we're not going to be friends then.
Harry Burns: I guess not.

Summer School

***Disclaimer - Please take this post with a sense of humor and a grain of salt :) It's not meant to be negative, cynical or bitter. You know that's not me ;) Sure, there's a little bit of truth in every joke, but believe it or not, this IS meant to be funny :) I figure I've cried about it enough, so might as well laugh now... While most of the examples do come from my own personal adventures, other things I've observed and witnessed in my friends' situations and have not experienced first hand. This is a highly personal post, but I'm OK with being open, real, vulnerable and transparent with my life. I'm human... I'm susceptible to feelings, deception and mistakes. And I know that I'm not alone in going through this stuff... So if my stories can touch someone's heart, it's well worth it to "expose" my experiences :)***

Recently, it has dawned on me that this is the 3rd summer in a row that I'm spending crying over a heartbreak :( It's like there's a seriously distributing pattern that has emerged in my life over the last 3 years: What starts out as a sweet, innocent spring romance, full of excitement, joy and fun, ends up getting scorched by the heat of summer and withering away in the sun... So for the last 3 summers I've been forced into "summer school" of broken hearts, trying to learn from my experience only to have a similar (but different) situation reoccur exactly a year later. Major FAIL... Well, I'm determined for this to be the end of it. After 3 strikes, I'm out! No more summer drama! God help the guy who tries to sweep my off of my feet next spring (because until then I don't want anything to do with boys except dance salsa :P)! And just to prove that I HAVE, in fact, learned something from the soggy summers of A, B and C, I'm going to write out all the hard lessons of life and love that have been (or should be) etched in my brain AND on my heart (which apparently had a mind of its own).

*When he tells you how much he likes you, ask him why. If it's based on attraction, appearance or how you make him feel, it won't last... What if one day you no longer make him laugh or he no longer finds you fun to be around? That's right, he'll drop you so fast it'll make your head spin and replace you with someone who does. As one of my friends put it, guys always think "Bigger, Better, Next!"

*As beautiful as he tells you your eyes are now, he'll grow immune to them eventually and no amount of eye make up will reverse that.

*No matter how much he may tell you that he loves your smile and making you laugh, he'll soon be doing his best (unintentionally, of course) to permanently make your smile vanish without a trace and have you filing a "Missing Laugh" report.

*Don't believe when he tells you how special you are... Because if you do, you'll only make yourself the "short bus" kind of special... Consider yourself the "flavor of the night/week/month/season" special instead, that's all.

*What he liked about you before, he'll hate about you later... The "Oooo, you're different..." fascination will quickly turn into "Ewww, you're different..." resentment.

*You WILL be replaced... And it may only be a matter of minutes/hours/days... Try not to take it personally... After all, he now needs someONE (because someTHING just wouldn't be as exciting) else to occupy his time and thoughts...

*Everything he did to win you over in the beginning you'll see him doing to "the new girl"... Commenting on FB statuses and pictures, flirting, touching, hugging, calling/texting/chatting, hanging out, dancing, kissing, etc. Which again proves that you weren't that special...

*"Letting Go" does not mean trying to maintain a friendship... So let go of him, his life, his stuff, his FB page and hardest of all, his friends and family... Forget the fact that you totally bonded... Sucks, I know...

On a more serious note, I learned some other stuff too...

*I learned my strengths and weaknesses... That my greatest strength is, in fact, my biggest weakness...

*I learned that I'm loyal to a fault... So committed to the people in my life that I will not let go, walk away or move on because I'll be so darn dedicated and faithful to making even a bad friendship/relationship work. I'll go down with the ship rather than get off it. Fortunately enough, God has, in His great mercy, always managed to remove me from the sinking ships before they truly went down.

*I learned to take my time and process my thoughts and emotions before communicating them to the other person. I finally learned to think before I speak!!! :)

*I learned to forgive and let go of offenses... To be quick to listen, slow to speak and always think the best no matter how the situation appears. OK, fine, so I'm still trying to learn that last part :P

*I learned to run to God right away with everything because He understands and doesn't judge, get mad or punish me. I've learned to be open and honest with Him in my pain, disappointment and despair... I've learned to trust Him...

*I learned to not have any expectations of people or even of myself... I now know that I'm capable of anything... Really.

*I learned that I can't help anyone who doesn't want to be helped. I can't be anyone's "Savior"... I'm not responsible for other people's life choices and daily decisions. I can't let them affect me or take them personally.

*I learned that bad company really does corrupt good morals...

*I learned to be more open minded, accepting and unconventional... I've learned to "think outside the box" :)

*I learned that people can't really change for people... They need to be changed by God.

Will I get involved with the "wrong" person and get my heart broken again? Honestly, I hope not... All I know is that I have a choice not only in all I do and how I respond, but also in how I choose to feel... So from this day forward... ;)

Are You a FireWORK or a FirePLACE?

If you really think about it, the most important quality of God is not His love, forgiveness, grace, mercy, comfort, power or anything else that He does or is... It's His Faithfulness... The fact that He doesn't just love, forgive, provide and heal every once in a while (when He feels like it or is in a good mood), but that He can always be counted on and trusted to do so steadily and consistently. He doesn't (and won't) stop.

So if we as His children are created in His image, then we too should be faithful in all we are and all we do towards ourselves, God, and the people in our lives. Face it, no man is an island, we were all created to be in different relationships throughout our lives and we all have a need to feel loved, accepted and validated in those relationships... Which got me thinking... In terms of "faithfulness", how committed we are in those relationships determines not only their success, but also our character.

Some relationships (friendships) are like fireworks... They are thrilling and exciting, beautiful, loud, put on a great entertaining show, stun your senses and are overall enjoyable. You light a fuse and off they go. The problem is, they last only a short while and once they are done, all that's left is ashes and smoke of what was...

Other relationships are more like a fireplace... Warm, inviting, cozy, and comforting, they require some work such as adding wood to the fire to keep it consistent, but the point is, it lasts!!! It's not the BIG BANG and BOOM, it's over, kind of a relationship, but a slow and steady one that gives off heat as well as light and welcomes someone to come in, stay awhile and share their whole life with you, not just the short lived, exciting parts.

Being faithful in life means having very little room for selfish behavior (which is fickle and ever changing, depending on mood and circumstances), persevering in hard times and simply not giving up on yourself, God, and other people... Seriously, I think it's by far the most important quality a person can have because it makes them "safe", trustworthy, reliable and secure to be around. Success may not always equal being faithful, but being faithful ensures success :)

Slow Healing

I'm just about half way through my 40 days, and it's nice... I'm pretty much settled into the "new" routines, "new" bedtimes (lol) and "new" surroundings. In fact, I like being in this "bubble" so much, that I'm considering doing 40 more days! Ok, fine, I wont :P It does feel good to be nurtured, strengthened, refreshed, recharged and healed and restored though :) Even though I already feel 200% better, I don't want to cut my regiment short. It's too good! I'm getting too much out of it :) Here's what's been on my mind thus far:

*You can only rebuild that which has already been broken. It's the whole potter/clay analogy... Mold me, shape me, form me...

*I value grace when I recognize it being given to me by God. But I value it so much more now that I realize how much I need it from people as well.

*Damage can be done instantaneously. A misinterpreted word, look or touch (or lack thereof altogether) can often be enough to cause damage equivalent to a gunshot wound (through the heart).

*Some time ago, I fell for the first time while rollerblading at Greenlake. As my knee made contact with the road, the bloody mess appeared right away, while the pain didn't. Still, I played it tough, got up, brushed myself off and rollerbladed the rest of the way back even as blood was trickling down my leg. In fact, I didn't feel any pain or even realize the extent of the damage until I tried to clean it up later. While cleaning up was necessary, ironically, it was also the most painful.

*Soul wounds are parallel to physical wounds, and can fester with infections of anger, bitterness and resentment. They need to be treated with an anti-bacterial ointment (God's love poured into our hearts via the Word of God a.k.a. the Bible).

*Scabs are tricky... You never want to remove them prematurely for the risk of having to go through the healing process all over again. Let them fall off naturally and on their own, even if it does take more time... While it may be fun to test and push the boundaries, the additional pain resulting from that is not worth it.

*I think scars are there to be a testimony, a constant reminder of what happened and a warning to not let it happen again.

*It's not what you do, or what is done to you that matters. It's how you respond in the aftermath. We can't control the actions of others, and sometimes even our own actions get misinterpreted or are just plain wrong altogether. So what do we do when we do wrong or are done wrong? I think the first step is to recognize (what really happened), the second is to forgive (yourself and the other person) and the third is to make amends (make things right and move on without holding any grudges).

*It has never ceased to amaze me how quickly the good can be forgotten when faced with the bad. Sure, we enjoy and appreciate kindness the moment it happens, but as soon as something goes wrong, it's like our memory becomes wiped clean of the good stuff and we only hold on to the bad. I want it to be the opposite for me: forget the bad stuff the moment it happens and hold on to the good forever :)

*Always think the best of people... I doesn't matter what kind of crazy thoughts and ideas are swarming in my head, I choose to think the best... And treat people according to that. I would be lying if I said I had it down... I don't... I'm working on it... Or I should say, God is working it out in me :)

*There is no fear (of rejection) in love, but perfect love (of Christ in me) casts out ALL fear :)

To follow or not to follow?

Who you follow determines where you end up.

It's fascinating how seamlessly this well known fact of life correlates to the dance world of "leads" and "follows". Generally speaking, a follow simply reflects the actions of a lead(er). It's a simple equation where one variable (the follow) is directly affected by another (the lead). When the two step out on the dance floor, it is understood that one will lead and one will follow, otherwise, there will be no dance. When a follow accepts a dance invitation from a lead, it is pretty much (on a MUCH smaller scale) equivalent to a citizen choosing a president, a church appointing a pastor, a person choosing a mentor. You can only go as far as that person takes you.

In order to obtain growth and improvement, one must always be stretched, challenged and presented with new "stuff". The reason we "look up" to someone is because we recognize that they are "above" us in some way or another and we want that which they have. In every relationship, if we respect the person, we tend to want to emulate something about them, whether it's a character trait, a talent, work ethic, business, ministry, marriage, family life, whatever. These people are our role models, inspirations, "idols"...

Just being around them, however, is not enough. Hanging out with Mother Theresa will not necessarily improve your personality. Improvement can only come from change. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over while expecting different results. There is little we have control over in this world, but the one thing that we can always be in control of is ourselves, our thoughts, our actions, our attitude, and the way we respond to whatever is thrown at us in life. We need to choose to change. And all mental decisions need to be followed through with a physical action. In all of this, there is no place for emotions, because anything established on emotions will sooner or later crash and burn.

Last, and perhaps the most important point: You can't be a good lead without being a good follow. All of my favorite dance leads know how to follow. Coincidence? I think not. In order to better lead, one must be able to relate to the follow. Think of it as a chain of command... Every leader must be leadable... Good follows make the best leads.

So who are you following? Where are you heading? Where will you end up in life? Apostle Paul told the early churches to follow him as he followed Christ. I think that is the most perfect model of leadership there is. Ultimately, Jesus Christ is my only role model and I'm following Him by following those who also follow Him. As a result, I have others following me because I am following Him. I'm both a lead and a follow. Keeps me humble :)

So You Think You Want To Date Me...

In the last couple of weeks I've been hearing a lot on the topic of singleness. Particularly my own and my girlfriends'. We are all young, intelligent, educated, GORGEOUS, talented, fun, and have personalities that literally radiate attraction. So what gives? I mean, the desire is there... There are plenty of guys I've been attracted to and thought, "Hey, I wouldn't mind going out with him!" I actually did go out with a few, but they all seemed to hit the brick wall of "Is this really going to work?" and resulted in a crash and burn... It's not that we wouldn't have had a fun short term fling or an even shorter intense red hot affair, it's just that I wasn't interested in investing my time, energy and emotions into something that I knew would leave me high and dry because it had no long term potential... Our standards, morals, values and beliefs just didn't match up, which completely eliminated the possibility of any romantic future together...

When a friend asked me why I wasn't dating any of the guys I met at salsa, I replied, "Because none of these guys want to date a girl who won't sleep with them." Sad, but true... I'm sure they all respect me for it, but nonetheless... Don't get me wrong... I'm all about love and romance and passion in the bedroom (and on the dance floor), but it has to be at the right time with the right person, in a relationship that is safe and secure, where there is freedom to let go and be vulnerable because there's complete trust, commitment and covenant. My body and heart are a package deal and are too precious to be given away carelessly.

That being said, here are some things you need to know about me and some things you need to check yourself for if a thought of dating me has ever crossed your mind ;) :

Me:

*Once you're in my life in any way, you're in, and you're staying in unless you choose to get out.

*I'm not the girl you bootycall at 2 am, I'm the girl you take home to meet mom and dad.

*I'm NOT going to sleep with you (unless you're my husband).

*I'm blunt and honest with a sarcastic sense of humor :) So if your feelings tend to get hurt easily, I'm not the girl for you...

*My top 3 Love Languages are #1 Quality Time, #2 Physical Touch, #3 Acts of Service. That means spend time with me/talk to me, hug me, and do stuff for me :P LOL

* I value sincerity, honestly and loyalty above all else.

* I love spontaneously, surprises and all that fun random unexpected stuff :)


You:

...have to love Jesus. As a person, and not some religious figure. Respect, admiration and faith alone are not good enough. Love.

...have to love people. All people. Genuinely. And be comfortable around all races/ages/ethnicities/orientations/backgrounds.

...have to be able to fit in and "hang" with my friends, family, church, and dance community.

...have to dance :) Anything counts really, as long as you have some passion and some rhythm, although the ideal, of course, would be salsa ;)


So if you can handle the "Me" part and got the 4 "You" things down you're golden (granted the initial attraction/connection/chemistry is already there :P)!

Spice Boys (Men of Salsa)

As much as I’d like to say that they are all the same, they’re not. Generally, as men, they are all the same because they are all driven by their hormones, but they all come out to dance for different reasons. The trick is to decipher who is there to pick up chicks, get you to buy lessons, get some exercise, or really just to dance, have fun, and improve their skills. To be fair, quite a few of the guys really are there to practice and get better at their dance, especially those who are just starting out and those who've been at it for a while. But why are they doing it? Simple: to meet girls, which is why at least half, if not all, of the men are there. I mean, come on, in what other place can you just approach a girl, ask her to dance and then hold her hands, at the very least, (depending on the type of dance/song) for about 3-5 minutes? And if you’re really lucky (or good looking) you might even get a name and some conversation out of her. It helps if you smile and make us laugh. It really helps if you actually know what you’re doing.

So now, possessing such information, as a girl, you need to decide how to respond to these “salsa guys”. Let’s start with the easiest category, Beginners. Since they really are there to learn, give them a break and dance with them. Be nice and encouraging, who knows, they might get really good really fast and become one of your favorite leads! If they do however try to flirt or get your number, politely decline and avoid any future dances, unless they are really hot and you are really interested. Moving on to Dancing as Exercise, this one is also pretty easy, just enjoy the workout! Take note however, these guys are often the sweatiest and smelliest. Don’t expect them to ask you out unless you actually provide them with a workout, or are really hot. This category can also include guys who are there because they really do enjoy the music and the dance itself. But let's get real... if it didn't include the "dancing with a girl" part, they wouldn't be there. What guy wants to salsa with a guy? Next, the Pros, people who are there generally to show off, sell you lessons or promote themselves and their own venues. Don’t expect them to dance with you unless they already know you, or you’re dressed incredibly skanky. Any guy will do anything to get his hands on a barely clad hot body. Actually being an outstanding follow helps. Note the word “outstanding”.

The last category, guys who are there to pick up chicks, actually includes all the other categories, because as I said earlier, that is the essential motive of all guys who dance. They are not there to have “guy time” or meet more guy friends, they are there to meet and dance with girls. And this is how it works: They ask you to dance, ask for your name, smile, flirt, make you giggle, compliment you, maybe even teach you some moves. Then they start to sit with you when you’re not dancing, talk to you, learn about you, trying to get you to feel closer, more comfortable with them. After that, their dance with you might get a little sexier, they’ll start to test their (and your) boundaries, the flirting will turn up a notch, the attraction, the chemistry, the rhythm, it’s all there, and you’re hooked. That’s when you’ll start seeking each other out on and off the dance floor, phone calls, texts, Facebook messages – Are you coming out tonight? At which point this can go one of two ways: You either admit your exclusive interest for each other and start dating (this rarely, if ever, happens, and if it does, it doesn’t usually last for long - I've seen so many people hook up and break up, it's ridiculous), or you look around, evaluate the situation and see that he is literally doing this with several (if not more) other girls. How are you supposed to compete with that?! Should you even bother and is it even worth it?

As a friend of mine eloquently stated, guys have picking up chicks down to a formula. The girl is pretty much the only variable that keeps changing and rotating in and out. Another friend of mine said that guys are simple: if you’re pretty and can carry on a conversation, guys are interested. If you dress hot and can shake it on the dance floor, guys are very interested. So how does a girl handle all this male attention without falling head over heels and getting her heart broken when she realizes they’re not serious? From my own personal experience, the key is to be objective and not to get emotionally involved. I made the mistake of getting emotionally involved once, and it has literally messed me (and my dancing) up for months. I thought I was something special, somehow different from all the other girls… And when he said, “I like you”, I assumed it meant “More than anybody else.” Turns out I was wrong. I was just another girl variable in his perfected formula of meeting girls at salsa… So yea, learning from that experience I can tell you to just use your head. Watch how he interacts with other girls… Does he treat them the same way he treats you? Are you really “special” or just the flavor of the week? Some guys are just players and there’s nothing you can do about that. You can still dance with them and enjoy their company (and good looks), just be fully aware that that’s as far as it goes. Leave it on the dance floor, and keep your heart out of it.

It really is possible to actually make friends with the guys you dance with. I’ve met and befriended many guys at salsa, even those who initially did try to “pick me up”. What works for me is clearly setting boundaries right at the beginning and letting them know that there’s just no way you’ll ever have anything even remotely romantic (or sexual) with them. As a result, you can go out there and enjoy dancing with some great dancers, who can also be great guys once they start looking at you as more of a sister than their next hook up. I have many “brothers” at salsa, which only adds to my enjoyment of it. So when the dancing gets hot and spicy, you just gotta remember to keep it simple, keep it clean, and keep it pure :)!

Hot Dads

There are a lot of them at the school where the 6 year old I nanny goes... It was quite shocking for me at first to see them there... Dropping off and picking up their kids, being in the classroom, on the playground, holding backpacks, lunch boxes and art projects... It's very fascinating. It was like, you're (semi) young, (very) good looking, well dressed, and a dad?! Naturally, my next question was, are you also a husband?! A quick glance at their left hand ring finger assured me that most of them, in fact, were. Aww, how sweet! A few of them, however, were missing that gold/platinum band... Hmm... so are you a big brother then? An uncle? A babysitter? A single dad? A widow? A divorced parent? In any case, the absence of a wedding band on a ring finger means single, which also often means available. Which then gets me thinking, would I, could I, should I? Be with someone who already has a child, that is...

There are already so many things to consider when it comes to dating, and throwing a child into the mix makes it all the more complicated... Baby mama drama is one thing... The circumstances are everything. I don't think I've ever had a serious crush on or seriously considered dating someone who already had a child from a previous relationship/marriage. Just too complicated I guess... Never appealed to me no matter how good looking the guy was. Not that I'm ruling it out completely, but it just seems so hard!

I haven't really connected with many parents at the school yet, even though I see them everyday. I think the fact that I'm not an actual "parent" has something to do with it. I also haven't been hit on by any dads, with or without a wedding band. Thank God, because that would have been just awkward. But still, you never know, and I must admit that I find at least one of those "single" dads very attractive. If it turns out that we actually talk and connect, and he can dance... But it's too much to think about right now... I was just toying with this cool idea in my head, that there are a lot of really cool, hot dads out there who also happen to be very cool, hot husbands :) It gives me hope... It's just encouraging :)

The Aftermath of a Near Death Experience

The accident didn't exactly make me see my life flashing before my eyes. I knew I wasn't going to die. Afterwards, I was grateful that we were all OK, but I wasn't really "freaked out" or "shaken up". The timing seemed weird... Right after Christmas and right before New Year's...

It did make me appreciate and value my friends and their love and concern for me. It was very touching to hear people tell me they were glad I was alive and OK. It made me just want to be around and close to those I love and those who loved me... It made me crave that fellowship, those relationships, those conversations, hugs and whatnot...

It also brought up something that I've been trying to forget and let go of for so long... Something I thought for sure was really done for this time... And yet, in the midst of this wonderful celebration of life and love, I felt a damper trying to come in and steal my joy, my purpose, my knowledge of exactly why God has protected my life... Why does it STILL have to hurt so much? Why is it taking so long to heal? I know God sees the end, but I feel like I need to see it too. I need to see the end of this...

Thank God Spirit 105.3 is back to playing their regular music! I heard this song a couple of times today and it's perfect...

Kry - Take My Hand and Walk

I know there are times
Your dreams turn to dust
You wonder as you cry
Why it has to hurt so much
Give Me all your sadness
Someday you will know the reason why
With a child-like heart
Simply put your trust in Me

Take My hand and walk where I lead
Keep your eyes on Me alone
Don't you say why were the old days better
Just because you're scared of the unknown
Take My hand and walk

Don't live in the past
'Cause yesterday's gone
Wishing memories would last
You're afraid to carry on
You don't know what's comin'
But you know the one who holds tomorrow
I will be your guide
Take you through the night
If you keep your eyes on Me

Take my hand and walk where I lead
Keep your eyes on me alone
Don't you say why were the old days better
Just because you're afraid of the unknown
Take my hand and walk where I lead
You will never be alone
Faith is to be sure of what you hope for
And the evidence of things unseen
So take my hand and walk

Just like a child
Holdings Daddy's hand
Don't let go of Mine
You know you can't stand on your own

Change Ain't Change 'Till Something Changes

For over 3 years now, I've been living and learning a new way of life... Everyday it seems I learn something new. I know so much, have so many resources and so much information at my disposal, yet make mistakes daily... My brain is filled with so much knowledge, common sense, reason and logic, but when my heart takes over, it all goes out the window and I don't do what I know, and even want, to do. I know it's all a part of being human, and being vulnerable to our weaknesses, but something still tells me that the power of true knowledge is the power of change. So why am I not changing? Why am I still prone to say and do stupid things everyday that afterwards make me think, Really? Did I really just do/say/write that? Why?! I know better!!! It's pretty frustrating...

The funny thing with actions/words is that once it's done/said it's over... And you can apologize until you're blue in the face, but it's already out there... the damage is done. Here's just a short list of some things I've been "learning" for what it seems like forever now and still have yet to master:

*Keeping my mouth shut (to the 10th power)

*Keeping my thoughts in check

*Not expressing every single emotion every single time I feel it

*Guarding my heart

*Letting go

I know there is a right time and a right place for everything, but how can you tell? I used to be so proud of being so open and so transparent, like an open book, because I truly have nothing to hide... I enjoy sharing my life with others (to a point) because I'm not embarrassed or ashamed of how I'm living it, but I'm also learning that, again, there's a time and place for everything, and that sometimes I actually do need to hold back, even if it's just to protect myself from doing something now that I'll be sorry for later.

Another thing I'm also learning to change is not being so hard on myself :) I hold myself to a pretty high standard, and when I mess up, I take it hard... So I need to forgive myself even when others don't...

I'm tired of always using the "learning" excuse though... I already know so much... I need to stop "learning" and start implementing! I know it's a process, and it's true, some things do take time, but I still need to "just do it".

Cheryl gave me this India Arie CD right before she left for Japan, and it's been a pretty painful thing for me to listen to for a while... Maybe I wasn't ready for it yet... Today, however, I really enjoyed it... Healing is a process, but I think it's well underway... This one song in particular stood out and really echoed what I've been going through recently:

"The Heart Of The Matter"

[originally performed by Don
Henley]

I got the call today, I didn't wanna hear
But I knew that it
would come
An old true friend of ours was talkin' on the phone
She said
you found someone
And I thought of all the bad luck,
And all the
struggles we went through
How I lost me and you lost you
What are these
voices outside love's open door
Make us throw off our contentment
And
beg for something more?

I've been learning to live without you now
But I miss you sometimes
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning them again
I've been
tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And
my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

These
times are so uncertain
There's a yearning undefined
And people filled
with rage
We all need a little tenderness
How can love survive in such a
graceless age
And the trust and self-assurance that lead to happiness
They're the very things we kill, I guess
Pride and competition cannot
fill these empty arms
And the work they put between us,
You know it
doesn't keep us warm

I've been trying to live without you now
But I miss you, baby
The more I know, the less I understand
And all
the things I thought I figured out, I have to learn again
I've been tryin'
to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my
heart is so shattered
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

All the
people in your life who've come and gone
They let you down, you know they
hurt your pride
Better put it all behind you; cause life goes on
You
keep carryin' that anger, it'll eat you up inside

I wanna be happily
ever after
And my heart is so shattered
But I know it's about
forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
Because the
flesh will get weak
And the ashes will scatter
So I'm thinkin' about
forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if you don't love me anymore
Even if
you don't love me anymore

I want to change. I want to be changed. I want things in my life to be different. I want to be different. I want the knowledge in my head and heart to bring real, lasting change to my life. Jesus, please change me...

I love you...

I just got the new (the only?) Brandon Heath CD and at first was pretty disappointed to discover that the only song on there that I liked was the one playing on the radio… Don’t you hate that? However, after faithfully (and dutifully) listening to it a few times, a few other songs have caught my attention. They didn’t have a catchy beat and sound and were a bit more mellow than what I usually go for, but their words went deep and hit me hard. Here are the lyrics to the two that I especially liked, because they struck a cord in my heart that’s been extra sensitive lately…

Love is

Love is not proud…
Love does not boast…
Love, after all, matters the most…
Love does not run…
Love does not hide…
Love does not keep itself locked inside…
Love is the river that flows through…
Love never fails you…

Love will sustain…
Love will provide…
Love will not cease due to time…
Love will protect…
Love always hopes…
Love still believes when you don’t…
Love is the arms that are holding you…
Love never fails you…

Nothing is greater than this…
‘Cause love is right here…
Love is alive…
Love is the Way, the Truth, the Life…
Love is the river that flows through…
Love never fails you…

I’ve been dealing with love a lot lately… Faith, hope and love… Can’t have one without the others… Faith is the opposite of fear. I’m stacking all my chips against my greatest fear… I’m all in… Faith gives me hope… And love is what gives life to faith… And so I love, believe and hope…

Listen up

Listen up, listen up…
No talking…
Listen up, listen up…
I’m listening now…

Why are you crying?
Did I say something wrong?
Weren’t we just talking?
Tell me what’s going on…
‘Cuz I’m pretty sure, my intentions,
Were nothing more than conversation…

Maybe I spoke too soon,
Maybe I said too much,
I think it’s time to listen up,
I’ve already said enough….

Sometimes I do this…
Thing is, I’m so afraid…
When it gets quiet…
What you might have to say…

‘Cuz I’m guilty of overcompensation,
I’m lost in my own translation
I apologize, I know…
I don’t want a word to get in the way... of you...
I’m listening…

I think I said everything I can… maybe even too much… I’m listening now, but you’re not talking…

Well Deserved

In light of a recent heartbreak, it seems like almost all of my (well-meaning) friends have tried to comfort me (to no avail) with the line “He doesn’t deserve you”. At the time, I think I might have managed a “yea” or an “uh huh” for a response, but now, the more I think about it, the more nauseated I become. I’m particularly sick of hearing these lines: “Wait for someone who truly deserves you,” and “You deserve better.” Better what?!?! Looks? Personality? Style? Social skills? Come on! By whose standards and who are you to judge anyway?

Now, I’m pretty great, but I’m no walk in the park by any means. I’m stubborn, sarcastic, and often in need of a filter for my blunt mouth that doesn’t know when to stay shut. I love the saying, “If you can’t handle me at my worst then you certainly don’t deserve me at my best” because that seems to be more of a case with me. Finding a guy who can “handle” me, never mind “deserve” me, would be nice…

Back to the “deserving” thing... Who is to say who deserves what and what is this “deserving” factor based on? Is it something we can earn or is it just who we are? I look at my friends’ lists of their “ideal mates” and it makes me gag. Virgin, healthy Christian family and a stable home life are just a few of the demands that I do not fit. Sure, some of them I’ve messed up by choice, but others I had no control over. Either way, it is what it is now and cannot be changed. For the longest time I used to think that I didn’t deserve a husband who was a virgin because I wasn’t one myself. Of course now I realize that’s just a bunch of crap. I look at my own list of qualities that I desire in my future mate and it’s nothing but character and personality: loving, honest, kind, witty, compassionate, responsible, sensitive, fun, smart, affectionate, intelligent, and so on. Of course at the center of it all stands one thing that defines the rest: loves Jesus. Without it, the rest cannot exist.

We do not “deserve” much of what happens to us in life, and unfortunately, some of those things have an impact on who we become. Whether or not someone “deserves” to deal and live with those implications is up to them. A lot of it is a choice, a matter of wisdom and personal decision, but not an issue of deserving. So when it comes down to it, is it standards or pickiness?

Love doesn’t judge. It doesn’t consider one to be better than the other. I don’t think any of us “deserve” love. Love is a gift that is freely given and freely received. It’s a true manifestation of grace… God’s grace. Completely and totally undeserved, unmerited, and unconditional. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: love is a decision, a commitment, a choice. It is not something to fight over, win or manipulate. So next time someone tries to “comfort” me by saying I deserve better, I’ll tell them to shut their face because if that was the case, I wouldn't deserve God's love, and neither would they.

Heartbreaker

Who, me? Apparently... Oh, the irony of it... It's tempting to just be with someone who called you "God's finest accomplishment"... Okay fine, so what he really said was I just may be God's finest accomplishment, but that's close enough :)

What more could I want? To be loved and adored by a nice Christian guy who worships the ground I walk on, loves Skillet and pretty much all the same cool Chistian music I do... True, he can't dance, but how important is that really? I mean, he even likes Pride and Prejudice! He is funny, sweet... and has been faithfully in love (infatuation) with me for well over a year...

And I just broke his heart by crushing all his hopes of us ever being together... Not in a mean way of course, and by no means on purpose, but nonetheless... Poor guy... I think he's moving on quite nicely though, judging by his MySpace... Good for him. I just couldn't do it... Couldn't settle for what I knew I didn't want, because I know what I do want...

So here's the story...

So this is pretty much what happened: I fell in love... It didn't make much sense and pretty much opposed everything I believed in, but I couldn't help it. I frustrated myself, my friends, my pastors, and most of all, God's grace... As wrong as I knew it was, I still wanted it. And that just made me feel all the more guilty. So I tried to reason, bargain and overcompensate.... All to no avail. I was my own worst enemy. And then I got a "revelation" from Ulu... "Anna, don't you see how much God loves you? He won't even let you go there... Even when you want it and are willing to, His grace is protecting you by not even giving you the opportunity to fall." Literally, the next day God showed me a sign, something just between me and Him (even though some of my friends ended up being witnesses to it), that has finally set me free. And then I heard this song... and realized that this is exactly what has been going on and what God wanted to tell me...


10th Ave N "By Your Side"

Why are you striving these days
Why are you trying to earn grace
Why are you crying
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away

Why are you looking for love
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough
Where will you go child
Tell me where will you run
To whom will you run

'Cuz I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
Please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

Look at these hands and my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life
I want to give you life

Cause I, I love you
I want you to know
That I, I love you
I'll never let you go

I love finding these new, obscure "indie" Christian bands that are just so raw and real... They talk about real stuff, life as it is, the good, the bad and the ugly. Because sometimes it does get ugly. It's not always all flowers, candles and blissful Hallelujahs. Hard times do come, pain does come, tears do come... Heartbreak comes... Storms, winds, rain and earthquakes will come. It's what you do during that time that reveals who you really are, what you're really made of and what your life is built on. And it's those times that draw you closer to God than ever before... if you choose to go that way, of course... Or you can pull away and suffer alone, which I don't recommend. No matter what though, He is there, just waiting for you to let Him help you and rescue you.

At a Loss for Words...

The song says it all... Thanks, Britt Nicole... "You"

"I’ve been looking for love in another’s eyes
Searching for water, but I come up dry
Thought that I could find
Happiness in the world’s applause
Peace of mind in a worthy cause
Take me back, take me back
Got to trust in the simple truth
Got to trust all I really need is
You

I’m coming back to You
The only thing I know worth living for
Will You take this heart and make it whole for You
I give it back to You
It’s obvious no one could love me more
I’m Yours
I’m coming back, yeah
I’m coming, coming back

To joy that speaks to my deepest need
To arms never far out of reach
Yeah, how Your love it
Calls to me when I lose my way
Holds me close when I feel afraid
Take me back, take me back
Got to trust that I’m safe and sound
Got to trust that it all comes down to
You

I’m coming back to You
The only thing I know worth living for
Will You take this heart and make it more like You
I give it back to You
It’s obvious no one could love me more
I’m Yours
I’m coming back, yeah
I’m coming, coming back

So no more getting caught in the middle
No more waiting for what is unsure
Back to Your love so true and so simple
Don’t understate it or complicate it
It’s so simple, yeah, it’s so simple

You, coming back to You,
I’m Yours, I’m Yours, yeah, yeah, I’m Yours,
I'm coming, coming back..."

Love II

So here's where it gets personal... We all love and want to be loved on our terms... My love language is Quality Time with Words of Affirmation close behind... So it would make sense then that ignoring me is the worst possible thing you can do. It cuts me like nothing else. Knowing that, I have to be careful to control my natural instinct to withdraw my time, words and attention from the people I feel ignored (unloved) by. The last couple of weeks I've been really challenged by that, and I think I've learned a lot, as well as made a few mistakes, but hey, I'm still learning about this love thing..

When our love, and the way we express it, is rebuffed, how do we react? It's easy to act up, act out, clam up, lash out, or even sell out and put out in an effort to get what we want. What happens when we get hurt, when someone breaks our heart or frustrates us and causes us pain? Do we cut the person out of our life and decide to hate them forever? One of my friends told me that when you get tired of being sick and tired... That we need to perhaps focus on the reasons why it didn't work out, why they are not right for us. So what then, should we write out a list of everything bad about the other person, everything we didn't like about them and stick it on our mirror to be read everyday until we "get over" them? Do we make ourselves hate them in an effort to stop loving them? I don't want to do that...

If that's the case and that's the way we handle feeling unloved, then maybe we didn't really love the other person to begin with... Maybe we just selfishly used them to make ourselves feel good, and when they no longer did, we disposed of the relationship because it was now causing us more pain than pleasure. It's a "normal" response, right? I mean no wonder so many relationships now never reach the altar and even when they do, half of them end in divorce. It's the "I'll love you while you make me feel loved" type of deal now, which has replaced the "For better or worse, till death do us part".

Love is a catalyst for love... Love responds to love... When someone frustrates us, it's natural to want to change them to suit ourselves, but that seldom, if ever, works... Loving them first however, continuing to love them and showing them love in their love language (not yours) even when at first they don't respond, is demonstrating real love. If they let you, that is... But that's a whole different blog...

Love

So last week I finished reading an awesome book about love... I think it was by far one of the best, because it was so practical, hands on, and real... Just like me ;) The name of this fantabulous book is The Five Love Languages for Singles by Gary Chapman, and it was much better than his original one written for married couples, which I also read when it first came out. To put it simply, the book is about how to give and receive love to and from practically anyone and everyone around you. When you think about it, that is pretty stinkin' important considering how many relationships (not necessarily romantic ones) we are all in!!! What has captured me at the very beginning of the book was how the author defined love... Check this out:

"Covenant love is conscious love. It is intentional love. It is a commitment to love no matter what. It requires thought and action. It does not wait for the encouragement of warm emotions but chooses to look out for the interest of the lover because you are committed to the other's well being." p. 29

He went on to explain that the first "obsessive" stage of love (I-wanna-be-with-you-every-waking-moment-because-you-are-always-on-my-mind) usually passes within 2 years and that's when covenant (committed/bonding/a.k.a. marriage) love needs to kick in, in order for the relationship to continue. He also said something else in the beginning which cracked me up, but also made me really sad...

"You have likely invested time to learn the language of computers. If so, you have reaped the benefits. Unfortunately, most single adults know more about computers than they do about love. The reason should be obvious. They have spent more time studying computers than they have studying love. " p. 19

So basically here's the breakdown: There are 5 Love Languages (Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Acts of Service, Gifts, and Physical Touch), and each person has a primary language that they communicate and recognize love by, with a secondary language close behind. The problem arises when someone tries to communicate love to us in their own primary language, which is not our own, leaving us feeling unloved and the other person frustrated because they feel like their language of love is not reciprocated, unacknowledged and unappreciated. And the miscommunication begins... Sad... And totally unnecessary... When we choose to love the other person, we choose to speak their love language, making them feel loved, and therefore having them love us in return... It's a cycle of love... Ok, so maybe not that cheesy, but just go ahead and read the book, I promise you won't be sorry :)

Part II

God really drove His point home this weekend... You know how when you keep hearing the same thing over and over again from different sources it just confirms it? Well that's what's been happening the last 2 days. I went to Shabbat on Saturday (I haven't been in months) and Ronnie was talking about not being equally yoked, of all things! I talked to him after the service and was just like, what even made you talk about it today of all days? His answer: God... Go figure... So I told him a bit of what's been going on with me and he just confirmed what everyone else has been saying.

God's grace has been unbelievable so far...

Yesterday, Sunday, church was unbelievable... John was talking about God's grace and how He is the one who is after us, how He is even more excited about us than we are about Him, how He loves us so much more than we can even imagine, how He just wants our hearts, how He's after our hearts and will do anything to be in relationship with us, have our worship and have us understand His grace.

I finished the book last night, and that's where I got somewhat stumped... As I reached the end of it, it wasn't what I expected... 33 chapters of how it could never be and the 34th of how it can... The last chapter was completely different from all the rest and even made me wonder if the author was aware it was there... As I kept reading and re-reading it, I almost felt mocked... How can a situation be so similar, yet so different... how can the seemingly impossible still come to pass? I know it's happened before, I've heard and read stories about this "exception to the rule", and here was perhaps the most beautiful one of them all... Why give me this glimmer of hope after going through the entire book and accepting the seemingly inevitable? Because God is good, and if He wants to, He can... I'm still not sure what to make of this chapter... I don't want false hope, and that is why my hope is in God alone, not in the chance that things might work out. Either scenario won't change my relationship with Him, and I think that's the place where He wants my heart to be regardless of the outcome.