Change Ain't Change 'Till Something Changes

For over 3 years now, I've been living and learning a new way of life... Everyday it seems I learn something new. I know so much, have so many resources and so much information at my disposal, yet make mistakes daily... My brain is filled with so much knowledge, common sense, reason and logic, but when my heart takes over, it all goes out the window and I don't do what I know, and even want, to do. I know it's all a part of being human, and being vulnerable to our weaknesses, but something still tells me that the power of true knowledge is the power of change. So why am I not changing? Why am I still prone to say and do stupid things everyday that afterwards make me think, Really? Did I really just do/say/write that? Why?! I know better!!! It's pretty frustrating...

The funny thing with actions/words is that once it's done/said it's over... And you can apologize until you're blue in the face, but it's already out there... the damage is done. Here's just a short list of some things I've been "learning" for what it seems like forever now and still have yet to master:

*Keeping my mouth shut (to the 10th power)

*Keeping my thoughts in check

*Not expressing every single emotion every single time I feel it

*Guarding my heart

*Letting go

I know there is a right time and a right place for everything, but how can you tell? I used to be so proud of being so open and so transparent, like an open book, because I truly have nothing to hide... I enjoy sharing my life with others (to a point) because I'm not embarrassed or ashamed of how I'm living it, but I'm also learning that, again, there's a time and place for everything, and that sometimes I actually do need to hold back, even if it's just to protect myself from doing something now that I'll be sorry for later.

Another thing I'm also learning to change is not being so hard on myself :) I hold myself to a pretty high standard, and when I mess up, I take it hard... So I need to forgive myself even when others don't...

I'm tired of always using the "learning" excuse though... I already know so much... I need to stop "learning" and start implementing! I know it's a process, and it's true, some things do take time, but I still need to "just do it".

Cheryl gave me this India Arie CD right before she left for Japan, and it's been a pretty painful thing for me to listen to for a while... Maybe I wasn't ready for it yet... Today, however, I really enjoyed it... Healing is a process, but I think it's well underway... This one song in particular stood out and really echoed what I've been going through recently:

"The Heart Of The Matter"

[originally performed by Don
Henley]

I got the call today, I didn't wanna hear
But I knew that it
would come
An old true friend of ours was talkin' on the phone
She said
you found someone
And I thought of all the bad luck,
And all the
struggles we went through
How I lost me and you lost you
What are these
voices outside love's open door
Make us throw off our contentment
And
beg for something more?

I've been learning to live without you now
But I miss you sometimes
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning them again
I've been
tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And
my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

These
times are so uncertain
There's a yearning undefined
And people filled
with rage
We all need a little tenderness
How can love survive in such a
graceless age
And the trust and self-assurance that lead to happiness
They're the very things we kill, I guess
Pride and competition cannot
fill these empty arms
And the work they put between us,
You know it
doesn't keep us warm

I've been trying to live without you now
But I miss you, baby
The more I know, the less I understand
And all
the things I thought I figured out, I have to learn again
I've been tryin'
to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my
heart is so shattered
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

All the
people in your life who've come and gone
They let you down, you know they
hurt your pride
Better put it all behind you; cause life goes on
You
keep carryin' that anger, it'll eat you up inside

I wanna be happily
ever after
And my heart is so shattered
But I know it's about
forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
Because the
flesh will get weak
And the ashes will scatter
So I'm thinkin' about
forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if you don't love me anymore
Even if
you don't love me anymore

I want to change. I want to be changed. I want things in my life to be different. I want to be different. I want the knowledge in my head and heart to bring real, lasting change to my life. Jesus, please change me...