Weight Shift

This weekend was rough. I haven't been shaken up like this in a long time... I thought the good times would outweigh the bad, but I really had to battle it out... In the midst of it, God showed me who and where I would be without Him and it honestly scared the crap out of me... I'm clinging to Him with all I've got because there's no way I'm going back.

So on Saturday I came home around 5pm and I was just supposed to shower, change and meet back up with my wonderful, amazing, super loving fun friends, but because I've been running on very little sleep lately, I was really tired, so I decided to lie down for a while and take a nap. Well, I didn't get any rest, because once again, my mind was bombarded with thoughts and memories and being a creative person, I was creating things and images in my mind that were pretty much tearing me up :(... So I was just lying in bed, torturing myself with these thoughts, getting all sad and teary eyed and then it hit me, or I should say God hit me with a "Holy Spirit slap": WHAT THE HECK AM I DOING?! I am NOT gonna allow myself to get depressed!!! I could feel it creeping up on me, trying to overwhelm me and it totally scared me! I was like, oh heck no, no way! I've been there, done that, and NEVER AGAIN! It shocked me in such a way that I literally jumped out of bed and into the shower! I couldn't get it off me and get away from it fast enough lol. And then I called my friends with "Where are you? What are you doing? I'm coming!" On my drive over to meet with them God showed me such a clear picture of who and where I would be if I allowed myself to wallow in depression over what was going on that it literally freaked me out. I couldn't thank God enough for saving me from myself...

Yesterday, on Sunday, church was so stinking powerful... We had communion and John was calling out people who have been going through attacks that have been undermining their strength and faith. At that point I didn't care that I was a leader, pastor's assistant, teacher, whatever! I could care less who was looking and what people thought, I was the first one to step out and come forward. I wanted to be free from the crap that was weighing me down. The only place I want to cry at is at the altar. I feel safe there, surrounded by people who love me and want to pray for me. If there's anything at all that I learned from John, it's to be open, honest, personal and transparent. And it starts at the altar.

Later on that evening I was hanging with my City Church friends after seeing WALL-E with them, and my friend Renee's mom was there. That lady is so sweet, such a blessing from God in my life! She could tell that something still wasn't sitting right with me, so she took me aside, and the first thing she told me was, "You're really special." I was like, thanks, I know, but it doesn't make me feel better. So we talked and I more or less told her what was on my heart. So she ministered to me in her sweet motherly way, reminding me not to hold on to the grief and the sadness, but give it to God. Weight Shift, Pastor Judah preached about it at YP last fall...

So that's my story. I feel so human sometimes, like I really am susceptible to all this bad stuff if I allow myself to get sucked up in it. The difference is, I don't want to, and the power I have on the inside won't let me. I just submit myself to God and He won't let me go out of His will for my life. I may be barely hanging by a string at times, but I've got nowhere to fall except His loving arms :) He's really got me, even when my whole world is spinning out of control, I'm safe in Him... I trust Him... He's faithful...