Too much, too fast, too deep

Current mood: busy
Category: Life

hey guys sorry i havent been bloging! its not because i have nothing to say, on the contrary, so much has been happening so fast and its all so significant and deep, i could (should) seriously write a book about it! its been such an adventure so far... i have so much to say, so many stories, so many miracles, so many revelations... God has been SO good! i miss seattle and all my friends and i miss church, but God has been so faithful to me here! its been a roller coaster ride! i love it! God is doing some awesome things, and i'm totally walking by faith and not by sight! its fun... cant wait to tell you all the stories... i'm still processing a lot of it... crazines... keep praying... its good!

Arrival, Days (& nights) 1, 2 and 3

Current mood: hopeful
Category: Travel and Places

Sorry guys I really wanted to make these blogs separate, but I don't have as much free time as thought I would, which I guess is a good thing.

Landing in Rhode Island made my stomach turn. It was a smooth landing, but the thought of actually being there, across the country, in the place where I spent the last 13 years of my life gave me butterflies. Memories just came flooding back and I had to literally fight them off, knowing that I wasn't the same person anymore.

The next morning I saw my stepsister Tanya and it shocked me to see how much she was like me when I was her age (not a good thing). My old room is her room now and she even has it set up the same way I had. Wow… My cell phone was blowing up even before I woke up (before I even flew in actually) with friends wanting to see me and the first person who got the honor to come by and take me out was TJ, my best guy bud ever since field hokey freshman year of high school. Hard to imagine I've known that boy for that long. I've literally watched him grow up from a scrawny little boy to a man and he knows me very well. Well, used to know me that is. He had a really hard time understanding the change in me, that I'm not his crazy anna banana anymore. He calls me St. Anna now which I think is cute J! It was so good to see him and catch up... I love how he can still confide in me and he knows I can see right through him. I love that boy. Next up was Paul, my volleyball/party buddy who's seen me at my worst and then heard that I preached at a volleyball game last spring. He came by and we hung out at my house before taking a drive downtown, it was really good to see him too, I'm getting him to throw a party while I'm here ;) so that we can all hang out, all the volleyball crew! One thing I noticed ever since I came back is that most of my close friends here are guys, and in Seattle they are girls, which is how it should be I guess, but here it's no big deal. I've known most of these guys forever and we have lot of history so I would think nothing of giving these guys full on bear hugs, telling them I loved them or hanging out with them one on one. I'm one of the guys here lol. The rest of the night I spent hanging out with the fam and my baby sister who is ridiculously cute, I cant stop taking pictures and videos of her! She looks just like me when I was her age it's really amazing! Next day I went to my high school (more butterflies) to visit my Physics teacher with whom I keep in touch with to this day. I actually had a dream about seeing him so I knew God had a divine appointment waiting for me. And it was a great one! Almost right off the bat he asked me about God and how I came to know Him (he knew about my church involvement from previous e mails) and for the next hour I got to share my testimony and we talked about God! It was too cool! He could see the change in me and it made an impact on him. I gave him a City Church touch card told him to go online and check out some messages so I can't wait to hear what happens next. After that my friend (ex) Eddy came by to hang out at the house for a while and it was interesting... God's been working on him for a while, so anytime now... Lastly, Aida and I hung out, went to dinner (Cape Verde food!) and met up with Meliza and Leo (other 2 sisters) to chill at Meli's boyfriend's house and watch a movie. It's funny how both Aida and Meli are now dating guys that I went to high school with. Of course the question everyone I see or talk to asks me is whether or not I'm dating someone and if I have any men in my life. I'm actually pretty tired of explaining to everyone that I actually have lots of men in my life but I'm just friends with all of them and I don't feel a need (or a desire) to be in a relationship right now! I mean I see why that would be difficult for them to understand given my track record, but hey, I'm a new person now!!! Anyway, we had a great time hanging out. I don't know what it is about being here, being with my old friends that just does something in me. All of a sudden, this Spanish talking, hips shaking, ghetto acting person comes out lol. Its all super clean though, don't worry ;)!

So today I pretty much helped get ready for Sophia's birthday party tomorrow, talked to a bunch of people, made plans for next week and chilled with fam and God. I still haven't had any quality time with Tanya L. Not cool, I really want some, we need to talk. Joe is coming by soon to hang out, but I'm gonna have to go to church at 8 am tomorrow so no staying out late for me. Bummer, cuz I wanted to salsa! What else? It's sad seeing how virtually all of my friends here are unhappy and unsatisfied with life. The vicious cycle of heartache just repeats itself over and over. When they see how happy and at peace and joyful I am it blows their mind because they know I used to be just like them. Nevertheless I see God working in their lives and hearts and it's encouraging J. The harvest is ripe...

Providence 411

Current mood: busy
Category: Travel and Places

Providence is nicknamed the Little Apple (NYC being the Big Apple). It's a very small college city (7 colleges and universities within a 10 mile radius not including the many various community colleges) that's full of young people which accounts for its many bars, lounges and night clubs. Not to exaggerate, but RI (specifically Providence) is home to many of the finest restaurants (most are located on Federal Hill, my neighborhood), many of which turn into some of the hottest nightclubs after dark and are frequented by some of the world's best DJs. The city is corrupt to the core and underage drinking is the norm. Who you know is all that matters in virtually every arena, especially when it comes to getting in, getting tables and getting VIP. Italians rule everything and after that it's the Portuguese and of course the Jews. The East side, where Brown and RISD are, is dominated by old money and bears a lot of history. The West side is mostly new money and where all the preppy college kids live. It's home to PC and RIC (my school!). Federal Hill (where I live) used to be dominated by the Italian mafia but has since limited its territory to the Atwells Ave area (where all the restaurants are) and the rest of the neighborhood turned ghetto. Downtown is beautiful. Small, but beautiful. In the summer, Waterfire makes it a very famous attraction. It's a city that never sleeps with its party life. South Providence is just downright dangerous. Shootings and stabbings happen virtually every night and you can see drug dealers and prostitutes just by driving down Broad Street during daylight hours. North Main is ghetto and pretty much everything else in between... and when I say ghetto, I mean ghetto. Capitol Hill in Seattle doesn't even come close. RI has a lot of culture. Different kinds in different places. It's very diverse, very liberal and very controversial. It's very unique in itself and very different from its surrounding cities and suburbs. What more can be said? I can talk about it forever, but I think you get the picture... I lived there for 9 years, so I'd say I still carry a lot of it in me.

The flight of a lifetime...

Current mood: excited
Category: Travel and Places

My life is an adventure and I wouldn't want to have it any other way... this is truly becoming my motto! So here's the breakdown of the latest:

My mom dropped me off at the airport Tuesday morning and at first it was just like any other trip: check in, go through security, wait for boarding... the usual. The plane was a bit late which wasn't anything out of the ordinary. So we board, and of course my seat is smack in the middle of the plane and I'm sitting between two people, an older woman who is very friendly (and very fussy) and a quiet young man. Well the woman and I start chatting and I tell her I work at a Christian school and we talk about that for a while, just waiting for the plane to take off... well it doesn't. We sit in it for about two hours waiting while they fix the broken cargo door. There went my connection in DC... Somewhere in the last half hour the quiet man decides he wants to talk to us as well. By then everyone on the plane is talking and getting to know each other. People are beginning to get impatient and antsy, not to mention mad about missing their connections. While everyone is complaining, my neighbors are very puzzled by my good attitude about the whole thing. It honestly didn't get to me at all. I was completely calm and happy and joking around and just enjoying life! They marveled at it... Finally, our flight got cancelled because they couldn't fix the door and we had to get off the plane to re-book our flight. So all 180 of us had to stand/sit in a huge long line/pile by the gate for about another 2 hours waiting to talk to the 3 agents that were supposed to help us. Some waited even longer... It was kind of fun at fist, texting and calling people, getting encouragement from Mike, looking up scriptures in the Bible and laughing, all to the puzzlement of everyone around me. After two hours though, I gave up on the line and called the ticket agent by phone to re-book my flight. While I was in line I was talking to a girl about my age and who, like me, was keeping a very good attitude about the whole thing. I saw her again on the shuttle ride to the hotel where the airline put us up for the night, along with the quiet man, and we agreed to have dinner together. It was awesome! Turns out she is a Christian who is struggling to find a church in the Seattle area. So we had an amazing conversation and exchanged numbers! I made a new friend! It was definitely a divine appointment! I actually liked the hotel staying thing... I just love hotels! And this was a nice one... so it was very fun actually (no hotel party though). Well the next morning when I got to the airport I was in for another surprise: our 8:30 flight now wasn't leaving until noon and we had to rebook our connections again. People were mad. I felt like the enemy was trying to kick it up a notch, so I just repeated the verse in Proverbs 16 that I (randomly) read that morning: "A man makes his plans, but the Lords directs his steps." I of course knew that God was in control even if nobody else did. Sow while I was standing in yet another line, my mom called me freaking out and I talked to her in Russian. After I hung up a young man behind me asked me if I was Russian. Another divine appointment! Turns out he's a Russian youth pastor from Pennsylvania who was in Seattle for his brother's wedding and preached at 3 different churches last Sunday, one of which was my old Russian church. We talked for a long time about the things of God and I got to share my testimony with him (with everyone around listening in). It was quite awesome, but sad because like many Russian Pentecostal Christians, his beliefs were still centered on the traditions and the law instead of an intimate, loving relationship with God. When I was telling him what God has done in my life and how much I loved Him, he just looked at me like he had no idea what I was talking about, but I know it got to him... so yea... lots of seeds were planted on this flight... on the plane, in the terminal, at the hotel... I'm amazed at what God can plan and do and how He can use people for His purposes... While I think it's unusual how He had me minister to people that were already Christian (but needed encouragement and support), I know that others have benefited from it was well. On the flight to DC our pilot was very funny, slightly unprofessional, but funny. The things that went on this flight were beyond anything I've ever experienced before... The pilot was a week away from retirement and just "didn't care anymore" about United, so he actually drafted up a letter (Christmas card) to the president of United, expressing his and the passengers' disdain about the whole 24 hour delay ordeal, and passed it around the plane so people could leave their own comments. He then took a picture of the passengers in the cabin raising their middle finger (directed at the United's president) so send along with the letter. I'm telling you, this flight was beyond strange. When the letter got to me, I read over it quickly and found it to be less than pleasant... so I did what I could so lessen the damage by adding Romans 8:28 and saying that there were no complaints from me because I actually enjoyed the adventure. Hope it helps... When the plane touched down in DC everyone cheered... I think a lot of good came out of this "nightmare". People got out of their shells, let down their guard, helped each other, talked to each other, made new friends and were forced to slow down and notice others around them... there was a lot of bonding. As I pondered all of this sitting in my first class seat from DC to Providence, I thanked God for always being in control and ordering my steps ...

Lots of "stuff"

Current mood: sleepy
Category: Life

I am ridiculously blessed! I love saying that because it always throws people off and yet it's so true! Quick recap of the last few days and a look into the future and you'll agree:

This weekend has been super busy with working and hanging out with friends and the memories I have from it will be forever treasured... I almost don't want to leave Seattle because I have the most amazing friends here J and I don't know how I'll live without them for two and a half weeks LOL! I got SO stinkin' blessed at CollegeGear.com with a huge paycheck that went way over what I was supposed to get and I also found out that I'll continue working there next year! YAI!!! Also, today at school, Pastor told me that I'll be getting a raise!!! WOW!!! I wasn't even looking for one! So yea... God is SO good to me! And it's completely unmerited and undeserved... I just love Him SO much!

The Christmas party at school went amazingly well... everything worked out and my kids were very happy... they are so darn cute they made me cry! They are really not happy about me leaving though! All day they were giving me cards, pictures, and love notes telling me how much they'll miss me and how much they love me! I showed them the movie Cars after lunch and they loved it! I love it too lol I always tear up at the end... They were just so grateful! So yea... it was just a very sweet and emotional day... and then I had a few heart to hearts with my teacher-friends and that really made me not want to go to RI lol... it's like the whole day (week) God was showering me with love and blessings in forms of my friends, students and co-workers. I can't ask for a better life!

I'm packing now... so tired... packing and praying... this is my 3^rd trip there since BC and I've planted lots of seeds, so I'm ready to see a harvest! Please pray for me and for my family and friends. Pray that God will use me to do His will. That I will glorify Him in all I say and do. That God will use me to show His truth and His love. John prayed for me in school today and it was so powerful. He touched on everything I was thinking! Please pray that God will soften and prepare hearts to be sensitive to God's presence, voice, and touch. I want to see miracles. I want to see healing. I want to see lives changed and transformed. I want to see my loved ones in heaven...

I know God is in control and I trust Him to order my steps on this trip... this will be quite an adventure, I'm excited! And as usual, I'll keep everyone updated! J much love!

Scabs

Current mood: drained
Category: Life

why do scabs itch? you know, right when they are healing up, they start to itch... and its so annoying because you know that right when you go to scratch them, they'll start bleeding again! they just look like they are all healed, but they're not... i hate it...

i have a scab on my foot from ice skating last week. i've kept a band-aid on it for the last few days, and when i took it off it looked like it was healing quite nicely. and then last night it started to itch... and i wanted to scratch it so bad! but i didnt because i knew better. i didnt want to make it bleed again...

i hope you guys are catching on... its a lot like that with our spiritual lives... when we think we are "healed" in a certain area of our life, the itch comes for us to revisit it. we think its ok because we are "healed" but we're really not... and when we revisit it, it starts to bleed again... we just hurt ourselves and have to go through the healing process all over again... its not worth the scratch... leave the scab alone... dont do it... i'm trying not to...

Recent Bulletins

Current mood: sleepy
Category: Blogging

Subject

In case you missed them :) (Yes, I think they were that good!) CollegeGear.com :) :) :)

Body:

i have the coolest job... working with the coolest stuff... a dream job really, its so fun and just perfect in every way. exactly what i needed! i work with college merchandise of all major schools and you wouldnt believe the products you can get with your school's logo on it! everything from golf balls to garters to tattoos to kitchenware! its crazy!!! my favorites are of course all the baby stuff, they are just so cute!!! little baby booties with college logos, bibs, caps, beanies, just the cutest stuff imaginable! i can pretty much recite all the major school's logos and mascots now... yai for me! and it constantly makes me think of my friends! all the UW, USC, Ohio, Duke, and UConn stuff... awww.... lol ok i wish i could get it all for you! i think i know how Ruth felt now... this job is such a blessing from God, i'm super grateful!

Subject

Russian to the CORE!!!!

Body:

so today we had an extra long lunch break because the conversation at the teachers'/staff table was hysterically funny! and by that i mean two of the teachers were in tears from crying!!! what were we talking about?! russians! lol russians here, russian language, ukranian language, russians in russia, ukranians, and how we are just so different from Americans and all other people! it was so fun! i remember a lot of Russia, but i wish i remembered more... man, if youre not Russian or have never lived in Russia, youre seriously missing out lol... i REALLY want to go back and visit!!! Russians are just nuts! our life is crazy! we are just so unique... i'm so proud of being one lol :D!!!

Subject

I Stinkin' LOVE my job!!!

Body:

you guys have no idea... i wish i could just have all of you spend a day in my class... i have so much fun everyday (ok maybe some days are less fun than others but still)!!! my kids just love me so much its crazy... the amounts of love notes i get! Hugs, kisses, cards, comic strips, toys, candy, just crazy little things to show me they are thinking about me, love me and are even praying for me!!! i'm just so blessed there's no way i deserve this... they just literally shower me with love and appreciation every day... sure there are times i want to hurt them (just kidding!!!) but their love outweighs my frustration by FAR!!! i'm so in the right profession... i love this... Thank you, God, for my job. i know that i'm in the right place, where You want me... you cant really understand this and appreciate it unless youre a teacher or have worked with kids before... i wish i could make you all undertsand... its really just so wonderful...

Subject

MORE Praise Reports!!!

Body:

God is ridiculously good to me :) i guess it comes with obedience lol :) so here are my stories for this week so far: 1. i really need $$$ but had no way of making more than i already did so i was praying for some sort of financial income/miracle/anything! well, a couple of days ago my friend told me that her friend really needed help around his warehouse, just doing retail stuff like pulling, packaging and shipping and he was paying really well! i could make my own hours, work anytime as much as I wanted and get payed anytime (cash/check)! it really couldnt be any more perfect! so yea... a total answer to prayer!!! i'll be working my tailfeather off until i go to RI for the much need Christmas $$$! YAI!!! 2. the tricept in my left arm by my elbow has really been bugging me for a while and i wasnt sure why. it was just hurting randomly and made it uncomfortable for me to move my arm too much. i've mentioned it in prayer a few times, but wasn't too worried about it. so last sunday at the healing service i wasnt even thinking about it and i just went up to pray for my friends. well, on monday i realized that my arm wasnt bothering me anymore. at all. not one bit... yea i got totally healed :D! PRAISE HIM, PRAISE HIM!!! lol God gets major props in my book!!!

Subject

My PASSION

Body:

This is what I put on repeat as loud as it goes and rock out to practically 24/7... This is my lifesong... my theme song lol... the soundtrack of my life... Philipians 1:20 Artist: Australia Hillsongs Song: Evermore Lost for words with all to say Lord You take my breath away Still my soul, my soul cries out For You are holy And as I look upon Your name Circumstances fade away Now Your glory steals my heart You are holy You are holy, Lord evermore heart,="" my="" heart="" will="" say=""> Above all, I live for Your glory Even if my world falls I will say Above all, I live for Your glory With all my heart I'll say I'm living for Your name With all to give You praise We're living for Your glory, Lord!!! evermore>

Subject

LMAO

Body:

This is from the AIM conversation I just had with one of the boys I studnet taught two years ago (8th grade English). aznminority7: are you getting married AVp94: no AVp94: lol AVp94: why should i? aznminority7: cuz you are pretty duh AVp94: haha AVp94: thats not everything aznminority7: my bro thought aznminority7: so to LOL how stinkin' cute!!! yea i heard a lot of my students had crushes on me that year... that explaines all the detentions lol!

Subject

"PRAISE HIM, PRAISE HIM!!!"

Body:

lol yea i love that song! so lately in IMY we've been talking a lot about prayer and how God answers it. its been really interesting. in my personal experience i found that God always answers my prayers. its not always what i want and when i want it but i always get an answer! i either get a YES right away (it happens quite often actually), a NOT YET (recently i got an answer for something i asked back in february!) or a I'VE GOT SOMETHING BETTER IN MIND ;) some people say it means "no" but i dont see it quite so negatively. either way God always gives me peace about it and helps me understand why its a "no" and most of the time i end up not wanting the thing i asked for anyway so it always works out. i always have praise reports... God is just SO good! :) so yea... i "PRAISE HIM!!!" :D

Currently listening : Mighty to Save By Hillsong Release date: 05 September, 2006

Define me not ;)

Current mood: busy
Category: Life

This weekend I noticed something interesting... the way that my friends and the people around me see me is not quite the way I "define" myself. At least that's not how I used to think about myself. Sure, there may be some truth to what they say but it's only a small part of who I am and not the whole package. It's like those personality quizzes that are supposed to tell you things you "didn't" already know about yourself. I have to say that I agree with the ones I have on my page (or else they wouldn't be there). So here's what I heard this weekend and from previous conversations:

I'm sensitive – yes, its true I suppose, in a way. I'm very sensitive to the things of God and I'm sensitive to my feelings and to the feelings of others, so it's a good thing. Right?

I have a strong personality – haha yes, I suppose I do! What does that really mean though? Am I stubborn? Yes. Control freak? Sure. Outspoken? I can be if I'm not concerned about hurting people's feelings. Honest? Brutally. In a very sarcastic way LOL. What else? Do I care what people will say/think? Not really. Not unless I'm close to them and even then sometimes I don't. I guess you can say I speak my mind (Duh, just read my blogs!).

I'm an open book – very true. Like I said, I speak my mind and I'm quick to share my heart with my friends. If I love and trust you, you'll always know what's going on with me. I don't hide my true thoughts/feelings very well. Yes, I can act, but I'm a terrible liar.

I'm funny – not sure if it's something I do or who I am. I suppose I say and do funny things all the time. I love to laugh and make others laugh. Does that make me funny?

I'm a "people person" – as cliché as it sound, it's very true. I love people! I love my friends and I love making new ones! I guess I really am the kind of person who wants to be everyone's friend. HAHA because I think everyone should want to be friends with me!!! Why wouldn't they?!

Hmmm... what else? There's more, but these are the comments that stand out the most. They are all true I suppose, but they are just parts of me, small glimpses into who I am. I don't define myself by these qualities and I don't want others too. I hate being judged, evaluated, sized up and "defined" by those who think they know me but really have no idea. Please don't think that you know me if you haven't spent any quality one on one time with me (or read ALL my blogs lol jk).

So how do I "define" myself? Three words: Woman of God.

I'm complicated. LOL what girl isn't?! ;)

Currently listening : Mighty to Save By Hillsong Release date: 05 September, 2006

Raising the bar (for real this time!!!)

Current mood: determined
Category: Life

hey peeps, FYI i'm publicly raising the bar (standards) in my life even higher in areas of integrity, purity, finaces, faithfulness and general "Christ-likeness". i know it may sound wierd, but i know i'm held to a higher standard and therefore my life must live up to them. i'm pressing forward, running to win, reaching for the highest goal and whatnot... so i'm asking for your help. youre all my friends and most of you know me pretty well, so i'm asking you to hold me accountable. ask me hard questions, point things out in my life that are questionable, pray for me... My life is an open book and it may be the only Bible some poeple ever read, so help me make it a true reflection of God's glory... Thanks! :)

Bowling was...

Current mood: chipper
Category: Games

*Sigh* I love Tuesdays... Russian class day, which means I pretty much have the morning off... Pure bliss... lol

anyways, yesterday was very fun, i took lots of pictures! my kids really crack me up! the whole way to the bowling alley they were talking up a storm in the van, so excited! talking in English, mind you. now as soon as we get to the place and walk in, they start talking in Russian! I just looked at them like... what the...? where do they get that from?! it was crazy fun, almost all of them have never played before and if it were not for the bumpers it wold have been a sad game, but alas bumpers saved the day and they did really well! i was afraid they wouldnt let me play but they actually wanted my help (out of desperation really because they wanted to beat each other) so i ended up bowling quite a bit :D! they loved it and so did i... it was very sentimental too because it was our last field trip as a class before we got split up so we really enjoyed each other and i got to hear many sappy "I love you"s and "I'll miss you"s and "Thanks you!"s... it was sweet :)

Not sure what to call this... maybe "I'm Sorry"?

Current mood: indescribable
Category: Life

yea i know its late but if i don't get this out now it wont be the same so here goes... this is more of a confession than anything really.

all day today i felt off. i tried to write it off as a crazy day at school with the kids, but i knew that wasn't it. i just felt very restless, uneasy and aggravated. i thought it was from the lack of sleep the night before although now i know that it was really from the lack of my quiet time with God which has been missing for 2 days now (lack of sleep may be to blame).

anyway, by the time i got home i was feeling just rotten and horrible and i knew God was trying to tell me something. i had 3 events planned for tonight, but i really felt like i needed to go to church. desperately... so i called everything off and just straight up told my friend whose birthday party i was supposed to attend that i knew it sounded weird but i really just needed to go to church. the moment i said that and made that decision God has begun to show me what was wrong. deep down i already knew it but i hardened my heart to it for various reasons. well God began to break down that hardness and melt and soften my heart to make it sensitive to His voice again. so before i left for church i read my Bible and scribbled in my prayer journal that I was sorry and asked Jesus to forgive me. i asked Him to speak to me tonight and touch my heart and help me. as usual... God did exactly that... from worship to John's prayer it was like God custom tailored the service just for me. The guest speaker from Australia spoke very frankly on the subject of integrity and purity, having clean hands and a pure heart. he used Sampson and Joseph as examples. when he gave the altar call i knew i needed to run up there and fall on my knees in repentance. but i didn't because my students were literally all around me... usually this is the reason i love my school's church - i love worshiping with my kids and letting them see me set an example for them in listening, taking notes and following along in the Bible. tonight i wished they weren't there... not only them but also their siblings, parents, the pastor (whose son and daughter are in my class), the principal and my friends who knew me as a leader at City Church. i stayed in my seat as the worship team began playing a song that was playing in my head all night - I will worship You for who You are. I saw John pacing down the isle out of the corner of my eye and i know he knew i should be up there... so finally i went... there were a lot of people up there by that time. as i started praying it was like a veil was lifted off of my eyes and my heart clearly heard God... when the worship team began to sing "Evermore", all i could hear was the line "You are Holy". all of a sudden everything became so clear... Kristina teaching 3 weeks ago about how after people come off a spiritual high point they are tested just like Jesus was tested after He was baptized... I was just commissioned... my self righteousness was pretty up there and i was so sure of myself... i thought of myself as a great leader who was "raising the bar"... well all that flew out the window as God showed me what has really been going on in my heart the last two weeks... instead of fleeing temptation i was too busy flirting with it, not caring to guard my heart or mind nor taking every thought into captivity. instead my thoughts have been allowed to wander places that I'm ashamed to admit and it overflowed into what was coming out of my mouth... I was most definitely not living up to God's Holiness! my thoughts and words were anything but holy! the Bible says that pride comes before a fall... i may not have physically done anything, but in my heart and in my mind i was guilty of falling into the same gutter that God has rescued me from. i felt dirty. once that was revealed to me what followed was dripping mascara smeared all over my face... yea... i was repenting... i couldn't believe it, but i was so grateful to God for stopping me in time and loving me enough to help me. it was very humbling to say the least... "Evermore" says "I live for Your glory" and that has been the theme of my life... for last two weeks however, my actions have brought dishonor to God's name and i want to apologize for that. I'm sorry if i caused anyone to stumble... I want to have clean hands and a pure heart before God and a clear conscience before all men. I want to live for His glory and bring Him glory in everything I do and say. I want to be full of integrity and walk uprightly before God like David did. I want to be a Joseph and not a Sampson. I thank God for taking care of me, speaking to me, forgiving me and cleansing me... I love God so much and I'm so thankful to Him for answering my prayers...A righteous man may fall, but he will get up again... Amen!

The Longest Day...

Current mood: exhausted
Category: Jobs, Work, Careers

i'm still at school... about to leave though and finish the rest of the work at home over the weekend because i've just about had it today ! today was the day i moved half of my kids up to Ally's class and took on Mrs. Jones class in addition to what was left of mine... so I have a much bigger class now. so the whole time after luch i was preoccupied with new sitting charts, goal charts, files and other massive amounts of paperwork which i'm still not done with ... when i told my kids they were leaving some were excited (the boys) and the some (the girls) just went to hug me... it was sweet... i think i smiled through my tears when Lera said, "If I'm supposed to happy about this, I'm not!" and then Luiza asked me if she was still in my class and when i said "Yes" she said, "Whew! I'm glad! You're the best teacher in the world, I want to be in your class." That just about made me melt... and this is the girl who has failed her latest math workbook 3 times now... and yet she loves me lol

so yea... all in a day's work of a teacher... i'm so sad now... i'm gonna miss my 7 little rascals... and these new kids... i'm afraid to say that besides yelling at them to sit down, be quiet , not to run and patching up their playground wounds, i've had little interaction with them and don't really know them... i know they are excited to be with me now but also sad to miss Mrs. Jones so i imagine the next few weeks will be the adjusting period for both of us...

so yea... i'm all emotionally drained now lol and i have a full night ahead of me... Jesus help me! oh and i got two roses today from the two boys in my class who are leaving to be home schooled... i love my job! good byes and everything... these kids love me more than any guy could lol !

Skipping class...

Current mood: nervous
Category: School, College, Greek

I didn't go to class tonight L and yes I feel guilty! We threw a surprise party for Mrs. Jones tonight at Ally's because she is leaving to Hawaii on Tuesday *tear* (oh and I'm taking on her class and moving half of mine up to Ally's) and I didn't want to leave in the middle of hanging out with my favorite people and saying bye to Mrs. Jones. I texted Dennis to ask him about class he only made me feel super guilty by telling me how good it was :-/ punk! So yea... I feel like a high schooler who is gonna get chewed out tomorrow... yikes! pray for me!

Lessons from When Harry Met Sally

Current mood: amused
Category: Romance and Relationships

I watched it for the first time about 4 years ago under circumstances that do not need to be discussed right now, and I thought that the whole "guys and girls can never be just friends" thing was so true... even now, looking back on my BC days, I don't think I ever had a guy friend that at some point or another didn't like me or I didn't like him or something somehow happened between us. But now it's all different. While right now I have just as many attractive guy friends as BC, its no longer difficult being "just friends" with them. Perhaps it is because I view all of them as either my sweet, protective older brothers, or playful, silly and fun younger brothers. Either way, I see them not only as friends, but also as brothers, people that I can trust and who I know are looking out for my best interest and not their own personal satisfaction. Therefore there is no tension or strain on our relationship J and the guys that I did like/date without the desired result are now seen by me as friends and brothers as well. There's no wondering about "what ifs" and "maybes" because I know that they weren't the one and now all feelings are gone and I have a peace about being "just friends". My BC friends can't understand that and I don't blame them. There can't comprehend the idea of me not wanting to casually date anymore and waiting to date until I meet my husband. How will I know? I trust God that I will. Until then I'm perfectly content in being surrounded by my absolutely wonderful friends of both sexes because friendships alone are fulfilling enough for me right now. While some of my friends balk at my 2 year (1.5 now to be exact) plan I laugh (not in a mean way) about their short lived painful attempts at looking for love where it can't be found. There will always be temporary pleasure and all relationships are all wonderful at first and yes it's exciting and thrilling and fun and all those things, but it never lasts! And to me, if it doesn't last, it's not worth it. And by "last" I don't mean a week or a month or even a few (dozen) years... I mean a lifetime. I don't want to steal what doesn't legally and Biblically belong to me so I can enjoy it for a short while before having it taken form me in the most painful way. I want the very best of what God wants to give me and nothing less.

LOL I also love the spontanious epiphanies that guys get when they finally realize, Hey, she's the one! I love her! WOW... it's like, did it really take her leaving you for you to come to that realization? So yea, not quite P&P but on a similar scale...

On a lighter note, I love the part in the movie where Harry says "I'm done making a shmuck out of myself!" or something like that and then sings karaoke into the phone for Sally! HAHA! How true that sometimes when we resolve not to do something anymore all we do is kick it up a notch!!! I can think of quite a few examples of when I did exactly that... but those shall remain unspoken ;)

Random “snowed in” musings...

Current mood: awake
Category: Life

Some things you can do when "snowed in": (yea, I've pretty much done them all tonightJ)

*Take an extra long, extra hot shower ;) with worship music blaring in the background (Hillsong, of course!)

*Straighten your hair (its takes a while)

*Watch movies that you haven't seen in a long time and have those "oh yea, I forgot that was in there" moments

*Talk on AIM

*Text

*Talk on the phone

*Make dinner J

*Blog on Myspace

*Do anything on Myspace

*Torture (I mean lovingly tease) your siblings

*Balance your checkbook

*Drink lots of tea

*Read

Ok enough of that... I finished off the gummy bears and rocked out to Russian music today... I miss Kristina L I cant believe I'll be giving up half of my class next week and taking on twice as many kids... This will be interesting... I don't wanna move up half my kids!!! I'll miss them!

Excited for my RI trip!!! WOO HOO!!!

Here's a Russian song for ya'll to listen to! It was my fave about a week ago, but after playing it a 100x in a row, I think I played it out... it's still awesome though!

www.hifigroup.ru and click on music and then click on "unpublished. It's called Seventh Petal.

What else? Oh yea... but that needs to be in a blog of its own…

Crazy Russians

Current mood: tired
Category: Friends

WHITE FRIENDS: Never ask for food
RUSSIAN FRIENDS: Are the reason you have no food.

WHITE FRIENDS: Call your parents Mr. and Mrs.
RUSSIAN FRIENDS: Call your parents mom and dad.

WHITE FRIENDS: Bail you out of jail and tell you what you did was
wrong.
RUSSIAN FRIENDS: Would be sitting next to you saying, Damn...we f***ed
up...but that was fun!"

WHITE FRIENDS: Have never seen you cry.
RUSSIAN FRIENDS: Cry with you.

WHITE FRIENDS: Borrow your stuff for a few days then give it back.
RUSSIAN FRIENDS: Keep your stuff so long they forget it's yours.

WHITE FRIENDS: know a few things about you.
RUSSIAN FRIENDS: Could write a book with direct quotes from you.

WHITE FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that's what the crowd is doing.
RUSSIAN FRIENDS: Will kick the whole crowds butt that left you.

WHITE FRIENDS: Would knock on your door.
RUSSIAN FRIENDS: Walk right in and say, "I'm home!"

WHITE FRIENDS: Are for a while.
RUSSIAN FRIENDS: Are for life.

WHITE FRIENDS: Will take your drink away when they think you've had
enough.
RUSSIAN FRIENDS: Will look at you stumbling all over the place and say,
"You better drink the rest of that, you know we don't waste!!"

WHITE FRIENDS: Will talk crap to the person who talks crap about you.
RUSSIAN FRIENDS: Will knock that person out!!

SEND THIS TO YOUR RUSSIAN FRIENDS.
SHOW YOUR PYCCKI PRIDE!

This is deep...

Current mood: thoughtful
Category: Life

i have a new favorite Scripture: "Be still, and know that I am God" Psalms 46:10 (i think all my favorite Scriptures come from Psalms for some reason...)

i looked up the word "still" on Crosswalk.com and it means to sink, relax, sink down, let drop, be disheartened, relax, withdraw, idle, to let go, to refrain, let alone, to be quiet, to show oneself slack

i have also recieved a massive revelation after watching the movie The Lake House last night. basically its about waiting for the right time and not doing anything meanwhile to mess it up (such as walking in front of the bus and getting killed)

lets put two and two together now... God is not in time... He sees all things, past, present and future. He knows the right time for everything. a right thing at the wrong time is a wrong thing. in the movie, the guy had to basically wait 2 years to be with the girl. he had no choice, it was the only way. had he not waited (or met someone else) they would/could not have been together. he seriously had to lay the relationship down (be still) for two whole years in order to see it come to pass (and know that I am God)

God doesnt need our help in making things happen. you know that saying, "God helps those that help themselves"? Well, in some cases i beg to differ. often when we get involved in "helping" God plan our life we only make things worse (stepping in front of the bus)

we truly need to "be still" in all of its definitions... lay it down, let it go, relax... hand it over to God and then watch Him be who He is - God... and work all things out for our good, and we will know that He is God. but we have to be still first.

sorry, unless you watched the movie this might make little sense, but if you watched it, you can appreciate these truths

Pride & Prejudice for Dummies

Current mood: mellow
Category: Romance and Relationships

so this weekend i went off on a Pride & Prejudice kick... I bought the new one and watched it (I've seen it 3 times now) and i rented the old one (5+ hours) and watched it. Result: I talk all wierd now lol but its actually really fun :)!

i hate dumb chick flicks with a passion, but as it turns out i have a weakness for romantic classics. yes, there's a HUGE difference!

so after watching 8 or so hours of P&P along with some other classic romances that shall remain unnamed, i can say that i do not blame guys for not not being able to sit through it. it's quite brutal... the drama, the emotions... things men do not handle well. however, it also remains true that such movies unlock a door to a woman's heart, so to help the guys out, here's what P&P tries to teach men about women in a nutshell:

If you like a girl, PERSUE HER!

Talk to her, ask her questions, do things for her that you would not normally do for others

Come to see her! Visit her, go where you know she is or will be. Your physical presense speaks far louder than any phone call, e mail or text message

Conspire to be around her as much as possible, introduce her to your family and friends and let her find out how well you speak of her

And last but not least: Declare your passionate love for her and ask her to marry you! haha lol ok maybe not right after the first date, but don't wait too long ;)!

Oh and don't be so quick to give up... sometimes your perseverence is what makes us fall oh so deeply in love with you...

Yea, I know, I rock... You can thank me later :)

Currently listening : Pride & Prejudice By Benjamin Wallfisch Release date: 15 November, 2005

A love song for my love on our anniversary...

Current mood: loved
Category: Romance and Relationships

The anniversary was amazing... what else did I expect of course? I was showered with love by the love of my life... it was actually very romantic... haha so here's a song to express how I really truly feel about HIM...

"All of You is more than enough for
All of me for every thirst and every need
You satisfy me with Your love
And all I have in You
Is more than enough

You are my supply
My breath of life
Still more awesome than I know
You are my reward
Worth living for
Still more awesome than I know

All of You is more than enough for
All of me for every thirst and every need
You satisfy me with Your love
And all I have in You
Is more than enough

You're my sacrifice of greatest price
Still more awesome than I know
You're my coming King You're everything
Still more awesome than I know

All of You is more than enough for
All of me for every thirst and every need
You satisfy me with Your love
And all I have in You
Is more than enough

You're enough, You're enough, You're enough for me..."

-Enough by Barlow Girls

It’s my BIRTHDAY!!! (AGAIN!!!!!)

Current mood: ecstatic
Category: Life

Hey guys! Today is the 1 year anniversary of when God radically changed my life and (re)saved me! I'm so happy and excited! It has been an amazing year and I'm looking forward to many more!

Here's a recap of how it all happened:

To Whom is Forgiven Much, Loves Much

My life was a mess. Since high school Ive been playing the Yo-Yo game with God: come close to Him and pull away, come close and pull away. Ive always known about God, believed in Him, and even felt Him sometimes. I called myself a Christian, but my lifestyle brought nothing but shame to the name of Christ. I said I loved God, but I loved the promiscuous, carefree lifestyle of parties, alcohol, and boys much, much more. It was fun at first. in college I was thrown in the circle of all the right people. I danced at the hottest clubs in Rhode Island, knew all the right club owners, DJs, bouncers, bartenders and other dancers. I partied and was on my way to Hell with the best of them. I lived a horrible double life. I would sing and act in the Easter plays at my church and then leave and spend the night with a guy that wasnt even my boyfriend. I would go to church and worship on Sundays nursing a huge hangover from the night before. Pretty soon though, I began to feel dirty, cheap and used. These were supposed to be the best years of my life, but they were filled with heartbreak, pain, disappointment, guilt, regret and depression. It has gotten so bad that some of my Christian friends have asked me not to call myself a Christian because of my lifestyle. I hated myself and what has become of my life. I wanted to stop and change my life, but I just couldnt. Every time I told myself that this was the last time, it never was. I failed miserably at all my attempts to change. I felt that even God no longer cared about me and has given up on me long ago. I felt like all hope was gone and there was no way out. I was certain I was going to Hell. Meanwhile, my mom never stopped praying for me. She received a prophesy that God was going to finish the work that He started in me. He loved me and was going to bring me back to Him. I came out to Seattle the summer after graduating college to visit her and a friend of mine brought me to GC. I enjoyed the service and felt convicted, but proceeded to get drunk and party that night anyway. Little did I know that God was beginning to break down the walls around my heart. I went to GC a couple of more times before going back to the East Coast and each time I felt God more and more. When I got back to RI God spoke to me and told me that if I truly wanted to break free I would have to physically separate myself from this environment and move to Seattle to live with my mom and my brother. In a matter of 4 weeks I have packed and shipped all my things across the country. I was scared, but I knew this was the only way. God has blessed my entire move, helped me buy the car of my dreams and blessed me with a teaching job at a private Russian Christian school. My heart however still did not belong to Him. I was still trying to change on my own and it wasnt working. I started attending GC by myself and didnt care about not knowing anybody because I was seeking God. On September 14, Pastor Judah was preaching on how our love for God must make our love for everything else look like hate, because God loved us first. In that moment I knew that God still loved me. He hasnt given up on me, He wanted a relationship with me and I wanted to have that kind of love for Him. At the end of the service Pastor Judah told the people who had an assault on their relationship with God to raise their hands. I raised my hand and I couldnt stop crying. I have no idea who laid their hands on me and prayed for me because I could not see anything through my tears. That night was my 180 degree turn. God has completely transformed my heart, mind, soul and spirit. He has healed me and given me His love. I am a new creation in Him. He has changed my life and did what I couldn't do on my own. He blessed me and gave me a new life. I want to spend the rest of my life showing Him my love and gratitude.

Summer Highlights

Current mood: giddy
Category: Life

Summer Highlights

This has, without a doubt, been the best summer of my life! I know its for one reason only this was my first summer being a Christian! YAI! God is so good, my life is so blessed and this summer has been nothing but a shower of His love and blessings on my life! Here are some highlights (in no particular rank or order):

1. Trip to the Federal Way beach (and the adventure that followed lol)
2. Japan Mission Trip
3. City Kids Camp
4. Harvest Camp
5. GC Camp
6. Pearl Encounter
7. My aunts visit from Israel
8. Newcastle beach and Mikes BBQ
9. Night boat ride with Mike
10. Salsa Dancing (with Mike)
11. Mariners game
12. Seahawks game
13. YP Alki Bonfire
14. YP End of Summer BBQ
15. YP Game Works
16. 2 GEO parties! :D
17. All late night movie nights ;)
18. Hot date/dinner with Cheryl ;)
19. Working at the new GCUD building
20. My birthday! YAI!
21. Outdoor movies!
22. Mt. Rainier hike!
23. Night swimming J!
24. Market Place Ministries banquet

Phew! WOW! Thats a lot of activity! SO FUN! THE MOST FUN EVER! Im so stinkin blessed with the greatest friends in the world! I LOVE MY LIFE!

I HEART MY FRIENDS!

Current mood: loved
Category: Friends

PEOPLE COME INTO YOUR LIFE FOR A REASON

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person. When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it, it is real. But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

Thank you for being a part of my life,
whether you were a reason, a season or a lifetime.

Mr. Darcy vs. Napoleon Dynamite

Current mood: tired
Category: Romance and Relationships

i'd rather have a napoleon over a mr. darcy any day! who needs a moody romantic when you can have a real guy who tells you youre not fat and draws you pictures? haha! i friggin LOVE that movie!

Cinderella

Current mood: awake
Category: Life

it's funny how i can barely clean my room yet enjoy spending hours scrubbing the new GC building... if my mom only knew... (DONT TELL HER!)

WANTED 2 (or is it 3?)

Current mood: energetic
Category: Romance and Relationships

a HOT hot-blooded russian who can actually speak russian (no metros please) can dance and is called to PREACH THE WORD!

am i asking for too much? holding out for the impossible?

nothing is impossible with God, right?

God, if my desires dont match up with YOUR desires, then please change my desires!

until then, this is the desire of my heart...

Currently listening : We Be Burning By Sean Paul Release date: 27 September, 2005

Japan

Current mood: calm
Category: Travel and Places

Japan was amazing... I cant write a blog about it, it would be way too long (even for me) so if you really want to know, ask me.

Currently listening : United We Stand By Hillsong United Release date: 04 April, 2006

My life is an adventure...

Current mood: content
Category: Life

...and i wouldnt want it any other way...

*more to come later*

Grieving...

Current mood: sad
Category: Life

cant sleep yet again...

went by the house today

visited John and Vita

saw the killer's myspace

thoughts spinning around in my head...

trying to keep it together

Post GC Randomness

Current mood: awake
Category: Life

yea i totally need to be sleeping right now, but i have way too much on my mind... so here i am... doing YADA stuff (YP) and blogging away in hopes that if i spill my heart out the stuff in it might somehow make sense... so here goes nothing...

J woke me up this morning (ok so it was very late morning, but still) and i spent about an hour on the phone with him just speaking wisdom and hope into his life. i totally got to share God's view on relationships (and why his failed) and even how God is working on that area in my own life and why I'm making the choices I'm making right now. it was really cool how J was responding to everything i said... i know God is softening and healing his heart. he wants to come visit and i hope he does soon... once i get this boy to GC or YP i know he's SO getting saved! even if i have to grag him to the altar lol :)

My good day continued as I met B at Volunteer Park for some catch up chillaxin time in the sun. we were sitting on that "black sun" thing right across from the SAAM, by the water, just talking about God and what was going on in our lives when "the guys" started showing up. at first i thought that it was just a few friends meeting up for a run, but 3 turned into 7 and then 10 and before we knew it we were literally surrounded by like 20 men in short running shorts with perfect bodies (and some perfect faces). there was something wrong though... the way these guys greeted each other was not very... "manly"... close, full body hugs and pecks on cheeks are fine for girls, but if guys do it it can only mean one thing... Yup... well what did i expect? this was Capitol Hill after all... so when it finally hits me i text B (i couldnt say anything because they were so close) "do you realize we are surrounded by gay men?" and she looks at me and responds like its nothing "yup!" so then i bust out laughing because now i think that its the coolest, funniest thing ever! I mean seriously! just picture it! so then the only woman that was there comes over to us and asks us if we're there for the run because she is not used to seeing many other girls there. so i have a moment of panic because i dont want anyone to think that B and I are gay, but i relax as soon as i realize that I'm wearing my WWJD cross necklace. we start talking to the woman and the guys around us and they tell us that they are a part of FrontRunners Run with Pride club of Seattle (check out http://www.seattlefrontrunners.org for more info) and we happen to be right smack in the middle of their meeting place. Side note: it took B and I a while to decide where to meet, so now i'm thinking, God, You are SO funny, this is totally You! we continue talking to each other (being really friendly and all) and they tell us more about the club and invite us to check them out and join them next time. SO HERE'S WHAT I'M THINKING: i absolutely, completely and totally love gay men... they are the funnier, friendlier, cooler version of metro guys minus the snooty attitude. so yea, i would LOVE to spend a couple of hours in their company once a week showing them the love of God! what an amazing ministry would that be?! these people probably have a completely messed up view of Christians, Christianity and God. they need to know and be around people who can show them who God is without any prejudice or condemnation. so what do you think? are you in? i'm seriously going to pray about this... God knows I can't run for nothing, but I love these guys already and i really feel that this is something God has shown me for a reason... its on my heart now and i wont be able to rest until i do something about it...

Then i came home and my mom told me the latest development in the Kirkalnd fire: it was a murder... so i lost it... all i could think about was John and Vita and how amazing they are and how much i love them and i cant even imagine what they are going through... losing your family to a fire is bad enough, but to a violent, brutal murder? how much more pain can a family handle?

Lastly... tonight's GC service was right on the money lol... even in light of my new fast... it was pretty random, but i guess thats how God works...

one thing's for sure... i'm changing the world with or without a man... my life will not be put on hold because of my feelings and desires... if God wants every guy in my life to be "just a friend" because that's how i can serve Him better, then that's fine with me. if by being single i can further the kingdom of God, then that's what i want... Lord Jesus, give me the strength LOL! :)

Currently listening : Time Well Wasted By Brad Paisley Release date: 16 August, 2005

A New Perspective

Current mood: thoughtful
Category: Life

my best friend J from RI called me today completely devasted and brokenhearted because he broke up with his girlfriend... i've never seen him like this...

my principal's (who is also my mentor/youth pastor/substitute dad) wife's (who is a dear friend) two sisters died in a fire yesterday along with two kids... i just found out today at school... a tradgedy beyond words... the father/husband is fighting in Iraq...

at the homeless outreach tonight i saw living/existing conditions that are unimaginable and the pain of hopelessness in people's eyes that cant be described... i saw anger, disillusionment and despair as people tried to hold on to their last shred of dignity. people high and drunk in an effort to escape reality... none of it was pretty...

everytime i talk to one of my peeps from RI i hear the same thing... life is full of struggles...

last night i pretty randomly downloaded and listened to a sermon on suffering, how it matures us in our walk with Christ... and today i got to see some suffering... all people suffer, Christians or not, bad things happen to all people, myself included. its all in how we respond to it i guess... God is always in control and nothing catches Him by surprise.

when my non-Christian friends complain to me about their lives and especially their relationships, its easy for me to see why they are not happy and why things go wrong for them in their lives. its much harder to accept when things go wrong in the lives of people that love God and are serving Him.

so what am i to do? my heart goes out to all my friends/loved ones and even strangers that i see hurting... what can i do? although prayer is most powerful, i'm a woman of action as well lol. can laying aside my own problems, struggles and feelings and just loving on the hurting, letting them know youre there, that you accept them as they are, that youll do anything possible to ease their pain be enough? can a smile, a kind word, a hug, or even just being there on the phone and not saying anything show people God's love?

i want to do that... i want to be the one showing poeple God's love when they doubt it the most...

Currently listening : Ripen By Shawn McDonald Release date: 07 March, 2006