Not sure what to call this... maybe "I'm Sorry"?

Current mood: indescribable
Category: Life

yea i know its late but if i don't get this out now it wont be the same so here goes... this is more of a confession than anything really.

all day today i felt off. i tried to write it off as a crazy day at school with the kids, but i knew that wasn't it. i just felt very restless, uneasy and aggravated. i thought it was from the lack of sleep the night before although now i know that it was really from the lack of my quiet time with God which has been missing for 2 days now (lack of sleep may be to blame).

anyway, by the time i got home i was feeling just rotten and horrible and i knew God was trying to tell me something. i had 3 events planned for tonight, but i really felt like i needed to go to church. desperately... so i called everything off and just straight up told my friend whose birthday party i was supposed to attend that i knew it sounded weird but i really just needed to go to church. the moment i said that and made that decision God has begun to show me what was wrong. deep down i already knew it but i hardened my heart to it for various reasons. well God began to break down that hardness and melt and soften my heart to make it sensitive to His voice again. so before i left for church i read my Bible and scribbled in my prayer journal that I was sorry and asked Jesus to forgive me. i asked Him to speak to me tonight and touch my heart and help me. as usual... God did exactly that... from worship to John's prayer it was like God custom tailored the service just for me. The guest speaker from Australia spoke very frankly on the subject of integrity and purity, having clean hands and a pure heart. he used Sampson and Joseph as examples. when he gave the altar call i knew i needed to run up there and fall on my knees in repentance. but i didn't because my students were literally all around me... usually this is the reason i love my school's church - i love worshiping with my kids and letting them see me set an example for them in listening, taking notes and following along in the Bible. tonight i wished they weren't there... not only them but also their siblings, parents, the pastor (whose son and daughter are in my class), the principal and my friends who knew me as a leader at City Church. i stayed in my seat as the worship team began playing a song that was playing in my head all night - I will worship You for who You are. I saw John pacing down the isle out of the corner of my eye and i know he knew i should be up there... so finally i went... there were a lot of people up there by that time. as i started praying it was like a veil was lifted off of my eyes and my heart clearly heard God... when the worship team began to sing "Evermore", all i could hear was the line "You are Holy". all of a sudden everything became so clear... Kristina teaching 3 weeks ago about how after people come off a spiritual high point they are tested just like Jesus was tested after He was baptized... I was just commissioned... my self righteousness was pretty up there and i was so sure of myself... i thought of myself as a great leader who was "raising the bar"... well all that flew out the window as God showed me what has really been going on in my heart the last two weeks... instead of fleeing temptation i was too busy flirting with it, not caring to guard my heart or mind nor taking every thought into captivity. instead my thoughts have been allowed to wander places that I'm ashamed to admit and it overflowed into what was coming out of my mouth... I was most definitely not living up to God's Holiness! my thoughts and words were anything but holy! the Bible says that pride comes before a fall... i may not have physically done anything, but in my heart and in my mind i was guilty of falling into the same gutter that God has rescued me from. i felt dirty. once that was revealed to me what followed was dripping mascara smeared all over my face... yea... i was repenting... i couldn't believe it, but i was so grateful to God for stopping me in time and loving me enough to help me. it was very humbling to say the least... "Evermore" says "I live for Your glory" and that has been the theme of my life... for last two weeks however, my actions have brought dishonor to God's name and i want to apologize for that. I'm sorry if i caused anyone to stumble... I want to have clean hands and a pure heart before God and a clear conscience before all men. I want to live for His glory and bring Him glory in everything I do and say. I want to be full of integrity and walk uprightly before God like David did. I want to be a Joseph and not a Sampson. I thank God for taking care of me, speaking to me, forgiving me and cleansing me... I love God so much and I'm so thankful to Him for answering my prayers...A righteous man may fall, but he will get up again... Amen!