Can't come up with one

Current mood: aggravated
Category: Life

Just got back from cadre… I thought it would bring me back but it didn’t… if anything, I feel like I’m even farther away now… RS said that I feel distant… well how am I supposed to feel? Why do I feel so alone in this? Nobody understands this… what I went through, what I’m going through… well… Jesus does… but I can’t even allow myself to be comforted right now… I just feel so many things, realize so many things, and fighting so many things… what am I supposed to do? Yes, I know… pray. But if pray right now I will cry and I’m kind of saving it for GC tomorrow night. I’m not even sure how I’m going to dance tomorrow… never mind pray and worship… how am I going to get past this? I thought that they answer would have been to just dive in and get lost in my life here doing all the things I love… you know… “I’m diving in, I’m going deep, in over my head I wanna be, lost in the rush, swept in the flow, in over my head I wanna go…” just dive in and swim… so why do I feel like I’m sinking? Going to work today was great, but even seeing my kids and other teachers couldn’t push away the pain and the longing that I feel right now. I know what happened… I’ve stepped out from under God’s grace and now I lost my peace, my joy, and… well… grace… I know exactly how it happened. And I can’t exactly take it back… so what do I do? It’s even more than that though… I’ve realized that my so called non-Christian friends are more my friends than some of my Christian friends here. Yes I know we are all just imperfect humans and I can’t look to other humans for happiness and such, but I really see now how even though my friends are not Christians it doesn’t mean they don’t love me and they do in fact want what’s best for me. They may not understand everything, but they are my friends and I do love them. What else? Oh yes… JR and JN… well I just need to ask God to take care of that… its too much for me and I don’t even want to deal with it. All I can do is pray. I’m not sure if I should even be talking to them right now. God can take these feeling away, I know He can fix this because He did it with JM. So basically, the moral of the story is that I need to turn everything over to God and beg for Him to take me back under His grace again. Everything always comes back to Him huh? Yes, I know, was that ever even a question? Only He can sort out and make sense out of the mess that is in my heart and in my head right now. Jesus, I’m all Yours… go for it… Amen and good night.