A Beautiful View

A Beautiful View
Current mood: calm
Category: Goals, Plans, Hopes

Last night at GC i was asked to usher in the balcony and at first i was totally bummed out and upset and i really didn't want to leave my friends in the main auditorium with my stellar seats, but as worship started and God started speaking to me I was like, okay I'll go anywhere! I'll serve the Lord with gladness! :)
So T and I worked the balcony... it was my first time even going up there... it was exciting... i felt such ownership to it and the people that went up to sit there and there were a lot! let me just tell you, GC was PACKED last night!
And of course God rewarded my faithfulness! He allowed me to see the most beautiful sight... something I would love for so many of you to see... I would do anything for you to see what I saw last night... From the top of the balcony, i could see the most beautiful view down below... hundreds and hundreds of young people, guys and girls lifting their hands, singing, dancing, crying... worshiping God... getting touched by God... it was so amazing.. so uplifting... Godly, pure young people crying out to God, confessing their love for Him... the worship team pouring their hearts out... and in all that God gave me a vision... I saw everyone below me as children... rejoicing in their father's love... i mean, what do children do when they are excited, when their dad comes home from work? they clap, jump up and down and get excited! they raise their hands because they want to be picked up and loved by their parent... it was beautiful... so pure... He is our father and we are His children! He loves us... He delights in us! He enjoys us! and we enjoy Him... and worship is how we express it.
And at the end of the service, when the call for purity came... I had the privilege of watching dozens of young people stand up and commit their lives to purity and holiness and living clean, shameless and blameless lives... so yea... balcony duty next week? you bet! ;)

GC - Uncensored

Current mood: enthralled
Category: Travel and Places

For all of you that have never been to GC and even others who might never get a chance to go, I want to give you an inside glimpse of the service that dominates my Wednesday and sometimes Thursday nights. The GC website www.generationchurch.org will tell you some of what to expect, but heres what you can only get by being there:

Locations - We have 4! Kirkland @ 7pm and UW (University of Washington) @ 9pm on Wednesdays and CD (Central District near SU (Seattle University)) @ 5pm and Plateau (Issaquah) @ 7pm on Thursdays.

Worship Worship is a lifestyle, its a sacrifice, it encompasses so many things that it would take a lot of space and a lot of time to even touch the tip of its significance, so right now I will only talk about the singing part of worship.

At GC worship (praise) and be summed up in one word: HILLSONG. Those Aussies from the Hillsong church in Australia sure know how to worship and sing to/about God. At GC we are lucky to have a partnership with them and have them visit us quite often.

Night and day I seek Your face
Long for You in the secret place
All I want in this life
Is to truly know You more...

As the waters cover the sea,
So Your love covers me
Guiding me on roads unknown
I trust in You alone

My Saving Grace
My endless love
Deeper and deeper I'm falling in love with You
My one desire, my only truth
Deeper and deeper I'm falling in love with You

And I will rise on wings of eagles
Soaring high above all my fears
I rest in Your open arms of love

Worship will be the first thing youll notice about GC. Its loud, fun, passionate, and there are no spectators. However, if youre unfamiliar with it, it will seem strange and different. Why are all these cool, hip, trendy young people, half of them guys, lifting up their hands and singing to a God whom they can not see? Why are their eyes closed and why are some of them crying? Or why are these people dancing in church? Why are they so happy, shouting and having so much fun? I must admit it took me some time to embrace GC worship. I never thought Id be like that. I used to think that those people were weird and that God did not approve of such behavior. I was totally against it actually until I understood. Understood what it felt like to have clean hands and a pure heart and stand blameless before God and feel his loving presence all around. What else can you do when you know what its like? What else but sing, shout, jump around and raise your arms in total and complete joy and freedom?! There are countless songs out there about love (which we cant see) and since God is love and we love Him it only makes sense to sing love songs to Him! And besides, He totally responds!

"And we'll be the dancing generation! Dancing because of Your great mercy Lord (Your great mercy Lord!)

And we'll be a shouting generation! Shouting because of Your great glory Lord (Your great glory Lord!)"

Preaching Pastor Judah is DA BOMB! Fo realz! He is hilarious, cool, hip, trendy, but most of all, he is a man of God who loves God and preaches His word with such intensity, honesty, passion and practicality, that it will change the way you view God. Its really the best preaching there is. Period.

People Kirkland service is pretty big (about 300 people) and is home to mostly junior high and high school students and their university leaders. Its fun because its loud with a lot of lights, worship choir (I sing in it every other week), and arcade games set up in the lobby.

UW is my home service which is mostly college students and graduates. It's huge! We take up all of Kane Hall (600 seats)!Its fun, with awesome worship and rated R version of the sermons hehe...

CD is small and intimate (less than a 100 people) with intense worship and Pastor Judah getting "real".

Never been to the Plateau... sorry... planning on it ... will let you know how it is ;)

Aight, so for those of you that are within 20 miles of any of the 4 GC locations, GET YO BIG BEHIND DOWN THERE and CHECK IT OUT FO YOSELF!

Currently listening : God He Reigns: Live Worship From Hillsong Church By Hillsong Release date: 13 September, 2005

For all who call themselves Christians

Current mood: thoughtful
Category: Quiz/Survey

This is going to offend a lot of people, but I really don't care. Jesus offended a lot of people. What a lot of people don't realize these days is that Jesus was the most contravercial, politically incorrect, honest person in His day. That says a lot... about Him and about what His followers should be like. So take this quiz and see if you can measure up to the name.

When was the last time you...
1. Read your Bible? (Your own, personal Bible, and by reading I mean more than one or two verses)
2. Prayed? (Talked with God... audibly)
3. Invited (and/or brought)someone to church? (an unsaved person)
4. Talked about God?
5. Interceded in prayer for an unsaved loved one?

If you can't answer today or yesterday (or within last week) to all five of these then maybe you should re-evaluaute your title of a Christian.

Yes or No
1. Do the people around you (family, friends, co-workers) know that you're a Christian?
2. Do your friends (family) know the name of your church?
3. Does God answer your prayers? (really now)

If you can't say "yes" to all three... well... you know...

WANTED

Current mood: indescribable
Category: Goals, Plans, Hopes

i want a russian guy. i really want a russian guy. i never did before, but i do now. i want my husband to be russian. not right off the boat russian, but he needs to speak, read and write russian and so does his family. and he cant be a "russian christian" (my russian peeps know what this means) he has to go to am american church such as GC, CC, MH or some other Bible-believeing Spirit-filled church. but he has to be connected to a russian church as well. i want a russian husband not only because i want our families to communicate and so that our children would speak russian, but also because we would be more connected through our culture mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I was listening to some russian worship music today and it melted my heart. i want my husband to appreciate that with me. i want to be able to communicate with my husband in more than one language (speaking in tongues doesnt count, although its a must). russian language is so beautiful and its vocabulary is more expansive than english. its more expressive. i want to worship God together and go to both russian and american churches together. we should marry people that are like us as much as possible, and i cant think of a better match... of course i'll leave it up to God who my husband is going to be, after all, HE knows best, but I'm just putting my humble request in...

Currently listening : Awaken By Natalie Grant Release date: 22 March, 2005

Daddy's Girl

Current mood: rejuvenated
Category: Life

"My father I adore You more
Than anything my heart could wish for
I just want You
And Jesus my beloved savior
Everything I am I owe to You
I owe it all to You

And angels come and adore You
And we Your children worship You

You are my world
You are my God
And I lay down my life for You
You are my Lord
The one I love
No one could ever take Your place"

I don’t think I was ever a daddy’s girl. Maybe when I was young, but even those memories are foggy and tainted. My relationship with my father has actually been petty screwed up for a while which completely accounts for all the bad choices I made (with men) when I was growing up. What can I say? I’m your typical female without a strong male role model and everything that goes along with it. I’ve always known that was the reason why I’ve had difficulty in relationships with men, but what I had no idea about was that it would cause difficulties in my relationship with God. I mean I love God! No question about it. I view Him as my Savior, my God, the most important person in my life… my friend even… I have a close relationship with Him… but something is missing… I want more, I want to be closer, more intimate… I know He’s my father, but I’m having difficulty viewing Him in that role… I never really knew what having a good father was like when I was growing up and now that I have one (in a spiritual sense) and I know what it’s supposed to be like and what it’s like I can’t accept it… I just see Him as Jesus’ Father, but not really mine. Yes, I know we are all God’s children and He loves us, protects us, provides for us, and everything else that a father is supposed to do, but I never really got that from my biological father so I’m having a hard time accepting and expecting those things from God. And because of that God can’t give me my husband, the future father of my children. This is an important issue in my relationship with God that must be dealt with because it will alter my relationship with my husband. Frustrating I know… but it totally makes sense and I understand it… so I’ve been praying that God will reveal Himself to me as a father and let me see Him in that role for myself, as His daughter. And what does God do? LOL He really does work in ways we don’t expect… He is restoring my relationship with my biological father, healing it, so that I can have a restored view of it and view my own father in a way that God meant it to be. God is so good. His ways and thoughts are better and higher than ours. At first I was like, “God can’t you just magically alter my mindset towards You so that I can view You as my father?” Ummm yea… no, God doesn’t work like that… He doesn’t do things the way we do. And that’s actually a good thing. He is a God of healing, restoration, reconciliation, and love. YAI! And it’s working… already I’m beginning to view my father in a different light and it’s changing the way I view God… I’m not totally there yet, but I know I will be soon by God’s divine grace! God is my heavenly father… and I’m totally a daddy’s girl!

Currently listening : For All You've Done By Hillsong Release date: 14 September, 2004

Seahawks, Mars Hill and Purity

Current mood: happy
Category: Life

HAWKS

I haven’t mentioned the Seahawks so far, but I guess now would be a good time to do so. I’m a loyal Patriots fan, since I’m from RI (New England), and while I lived there I watched them win three Superbowls… Nice, I know… don’t even get me started about the Red Sox LOL. But since I’ve moved out to Seattle, (and I do believe this has everything to do with me lol jk) the Seahawks proved to be a better team than the Patriots this season. THE SEAHAWKS ARE GOING TO THE SUPERBOWL! I’ll go even farther to state that THE SEAHAWKS WILL WIN THE SUPERBOWL! AMEN! How can I claim that? Well it’s quite simple really… GOD IS WITH THE SEAHAWKS! Now before you get all offended, let me explain… besides the fact that both Pastor Wendell and Pastor Judah are hopelessly obsessed (a holy obsession mind you) with the Seahawks and pray for them at practically every church service (and if you’ve ever heard those two men of God pray… well… you know God is listening… and answering), apparently two of the “important players” on the team, including Sean Alexander, are members of the City Church and are Christians. That’s right. Sean Alexander even came to GC this past Wednesday and you bet your bottom Pastor Judah laid hands upon him in prayer! So yea… any questions?

MH

Mars Hill was loony tonight! In a good way of course! I love that church and I love serving there it’s so fun and I’m really glad that God wants us to have fun at His house! Amen! Pastor Mark wasn’t there, so we got to watch a pretty neat video of him with his family and the newborn baby (all together now: AWWW) and then the video of the sermon from the 8:30 service. It was all business as usual besides having a lot less people because of the game, but the loonyness came after the sermon. So we are worshiping as usual, and then the band starts playing these old hymn songs to a western country tune. Man, it was just weird… and funny… I thought it was a joke at first… one of those, Are they serious? reactions you know haha… I mean it was kinda fun… people singing and laughing and some were even dancing, and others were kinda like me just looking around in bewilderment. The real kicker came after one of the pastors closed the service in prayer: they played “Eye of the Tiger” from Rocky III! LOL! I love that movie! And the song! I just wasn’t expecting to hear it in church! It was a huge hit though… a great time, a great night… amusement and fun had by all ;) now isn’t that what serving God is all about? Well ok no, but it’s still part of the package hehe!

PURITY

So Pastor Judah is doing this amazing series in GC and YP about learning to live pure and it’s so stinking good all of you need to download it and listen to it online @ www.generationchurch.org because I guarantee none of you have ever heard anything like this and it will completely change your life! So I’ve really been thinking a lot about the whole purity thing and God has been speaking volumes to me about it and it’s been really revelational and just so good and meaningful and deep, but I also have some questions/concerns. It’s ok to find the opposite sex attractive right? In a pure way I mean. Because City Church and Mars Hill are FULL of VERY attractive people and it’s impossible not to notice. I’m talking about both guys and girls. And unless you’re pure you can easily be coming to church for the wrong reasons, and even if you are pure, it’s hard not to think “God, is he/she the one?” every time you meet an attractive person of the opposite sex, and believe me, you will meet them! So is it just me who’s struggling with this? I’m totally trusting God and waiting on Him when it comes to this, especially after the message Jason preached at GC class today. I’m not choosing anything or anyone over God, but I guess I just need extra grace when it comes to finding people attractive… I dunno… I’m still figuring this out.

Currently listening : Live in Seattle By Shawn McDonald Release date: 26 April, 2005

Kids III

Current mood: amused
Category: Life

i love my students! they just never fail to amaze me... i love their innocence, their love, their simplicity, their quickness to forgive and forget... man, i have the best job! to be surrounded by their smiles, laughter, joy, energy, and best of all, love, all day five days a week... i cant believe i get paid for this!

we had P.E. today... i love it... i love watching the quietest student come to life and show off his athletic skills. i love watching shy girls get aggressive and competative. i love watching my students shine doing what they do best. and i love being there along side them, playing with them, laughing with them, tackling and tickling them and watching their faces light up with pleasure when they watch me just being with them... not teaching... just enjoying them... it melts me... i just want to hug and kiss all of them! and i do!

What's In Your Lunch Box?

Current mood: creative
Category: Religion and Philosophy

"I pack You in my lunch box, and I make You pocket sized, but if You're just my pet deity, how can I explain that You changed my life?"

Christianity. Church. God. What comes to your mind when you hear these words? A cross? A stained glass building? A big mean guy sitting on clouds waiting for you to screw up so that he can punish you? I used to think those things and I know some of you still do. Why? Well…that’s all we know… our knowledge is often limited by our experience. What does it mean to be a Christian? What’s the difference between a church/parish/temple? To some, God is a magic genie that we can conjure up through coming to church and/or praying, and he will grant us our wishes. To others, the idea of God is just so big and scary their brain hurts just thinking about it. How many times have we ourselves, or others we’ve heard of, cried out to God? “God, help me!” When people are on the brink of death they often cry out for God’s help and forgiveness of sins. I wonder what God thinks of that… maybe it’s “Why do you want My help now? I mean… you’ve ignored Me all your life…” or “Why should I save your life? So you can go back to being a drug dealer/murderer/adulterer/prostitute?” I hate hearing people say how they wish God would give them money, cars, boyfriends… Why? So they could spend their money on alcohol? Drive to strip clubs? Have pre-marital sex? It would be funny if God’s reply to that was, “Excuse me, but who are you and what have you done for Me lately?” Don’t get me wrong, God loves all of humanity… He knows each of our names and everything about us… His desire is for all to know Him… How do you know someone? Well that’s easy… through relationship… and God does answer prayer… always have, always will… but there’s a difference between the prayers of His children (Christian=little Christ), prayers of sinners desperate for God’s love and forgiveness, and the so called “prayers” of people who don’t even know who they’re praying to. God says He will hear us when we cry out to Him. He will draw near to us if we draw near to Him. We will find Him if we search for Him with all of our hearts. If we delight ourselves in the Lord, He will give us the desires of our hearts. So be real with God… be honest, be sincere… mean what you say and say what you mean. Wearing a cross around one’s neck never changed anybody’s life… Neither has going into a stained glass building every Sunday. And God does not wish to punish us, but to love us. He does love us, and He’s waiting for us to realize that and love Him back. Our problem is that we either make God too big or too small. We put God on the cross, stuff Him into a church, or anywhere where we can “contain” Him. Or we just put Him “out there” somewhere far away where we don’t have to deal with Him or think about Him. We don’t see God for who He really is. Well, how can we if He’s God? But we can… He wrote us a love letter, telling us all about Himself and how much He loves us and the plans He has for us. It’s really quite beautiful. It’s called the Bible… I’m just now beginning to see what a beautiful mystery the Bible is… it’s a treasure packed with God’s identity, and I love getting revelations and glimpses of it… it rocks me to the core. There is so much more to it than just the “Bible Stories” we learned in Sunday School. The theology behind it is so deep, so figurative, so symbolic, it must be revealed by God Himself. It really is the Book of Life, it’s alive… it’s real… it’s practical… and it’s a picture of God. A God who desires a relationship… an intimate friendship… a love so deep it’s really all you’ll ever need/want. It will change your life… and a lunchbox deity genie has never been capable of something so radical.

Randomness

Current mood: accomplished
Category: Life

Attributes of God

Out of all attributes of God (love, compassion, forgiveness, etc.) my favorite is His faithfulness. God is always faithful to do what His word says. That’s why He deserves our complete faith and trust in Him. He can always be counted on to do what He said He would… and that’s comforting… I also love how when as we get closer to God His attributes are reflected upon us as we become more like Him… His love, His compassion, His faithfulness… Thank You Father, for making us more like You…

First Fruits

Ok, we have all heard that first fruits are holy. Especially since this is the beginning of a new year, there has been a lot of talk about the first fruits of this year. First prayers, first services, first practices, first tithes and offerings… but this has just hit me… I’m the oldest child… the first fruit of my parents… therefore I am holy… back in Bible days firstborns were special… set apart for God. Well I’m reclaiming that LOL!

Creator VS Perverter

God created everything: beauty, love, sex, dance, song, words, touch, etc. The devil, on the other hand, did not create anything (because he is incapable of creation) but stole what God has created and perverted it. He took beauty and turned it into porn, love into lust, sex into promiscuity, dance into striptease, song into seduction, words into profanity, touch into violence, etc… you get the point. The Bible says that every good and perfect thing comes from God… because He is good and perfect… DUH! LOL just kidding ;) I hate the fact that some people think that God is against sex, dancing, laughing… umm hello… HE CREATED THOSE THINGS! He is more for that than anyone! What He is against is what the devil did to those things and how he is presenting them to this generation, in a sick, twisted, perverted way! And what’s even more outrageous is that he is presenting that as normal, as in how it should be, as in “everybody is doing it” and there is no other way and other life apart from that. You know what that is? LIES, LIES, LIES! Come on, we already know that the devil’s job is to lie, cheat and steal. He can’t do much of anything else. His mission is to kill people, destroy lives and pack as many people into hell as he possibly can. I know what you’re thinking… well, I haven’t seen the other side of that… I haven’t seen these things the way God meant for them to exist. And I believe you… and it tears me up because I know you’re telling the truth and there are many, many more like yourself who don’t have hope because they haven’t seen how it could be… how it should be… But you don’t know because you haven’t seen and you haven’t seen because you’re not looking in the right place. Where is this right place might you ask? A church… but before you protest, let me specify… a Bible believing, spirit filled church. I’ll admit, sadly, not all churches represent God as He ought to be represented, but don’t give up, keep looking… pray that God will place you in a church that represents the creator and His creation in a way that He intended. Come on guys, it's time to take back what's been stolen! Let's reclaim things in our life and turn them back into perfection, and goodness, and wholeness. Let's bring back joy, beauty, purity, innocence, and hope. You with me?

College Retreat Report

Current mood: contemplative
Category: Life

"Give us clean hands and give us pure hearts ... let us not lift our soul to another, and God let us be a generation that seeks, seeks Your face oh God of Jacob..."

The retreat was...well it was powerful ... in fact it was so powerful I have yet to recover and organize my thoughts and realize what exactly happened ... sorry if I ramble, I will update this entry as things become more clear, so keep checking back.

Besides staying at the hotel, being with my friends and my church, ice skating and meeting new people, my favorite part (besides the incredible worship) was the SEX TALK and Q&A session by Pastors Judah and Chelsea. It was fun as well as insighful and informative, plus it was a kick to see that side of them hehe! Bottom Line: Guard and Keep your heart a.k.a. time, words and actions. Keep your emotions in check and pace physical as well as spiritual bonding. I was a little disappointed the whole retreat wasn't devoted to purity, but now that I think about it, it was ... since purity is a lifestyle, indirectly, the other 2 sessions of the retreat addressed purity as well. And of course I can't wait until Wednesday when Pastor Judah will start the "Learning to Live Pure" series!

So before I talk about each session, I just wanna fill you in on whats been going on lately ... it seems that in every sermon I hear, God speaks to me, but not through the sermon as a whole. Usually it's just a small part of it, some small point that touches me deep down and causes a revelation. So when its time for the altar call, I cant really stand up because God has already dealt with me in those areas. That's a good thing right? When we are at a point where God still reveals Himself and His truth in our lives yet the "big stuff" is already dealt with and we are right with Him. I'm still kinda getting used to that, but it feels good to check your heart at each altar call and come up clean.

So in the first session on Sunday night, Pastor Judah preached on God's glory and identity. It was pretty heavy and powerful stuff and God definitely spoke to me about letting His glory shine in my life. I know what my identity in Him is. I know what I am called to do and I'm not ashamed, uncertain, or trying to hide (vail) it. I'm not ready now though... Like Jason was preaching in the third session on Monday afternoon, I still have some fears and insecurities and I'm not sure I can handle being placed in the cleft of a rock and have God take His hand away! I don't ever want God to take His hand away from me! But I do want the glory... I want to see it, I want others to see it, and I want to live in it... So I know God is preparing me for it...Even though I'm impatient and want everything right now, God loves me enough to ignore my cries of protests and not give me what He knows will harm me if not recieved at the right time. I do want God's timing because it's perfect and I trust Him in it, but at the same time I want to speed up the preparation process... lol oh well, I'll just submit to HIS will, how's that?

Currently listening : Restored By Jeremy Camp Release date: 16 November, 2004

GC Update

Current mood: cheerful
Category: Life

(This was actually meant to be posted on Thursday )

GC was on fire last night! Holy Ghost fire! Pastor Jude was preaching and it was definitely a huge treat! He is so awesome, I love him, he cracks me up even more than Pastor Judah and Pastor Mark! Although Pastor Mark is truly in his own category, but that’s a whole different blog, hehe… Anyways, back to GC… Rescue Team was awesome, was literally dancing in the middle of Red Square, that’s how much I love doing it! @ PSP A.T. shared how she had a vision of God taking her to a “sweet” theater sort of room with a huge screen and asking her to dream with Him and pray that He’ll show her how He’ll make those dreams come true… I love how the Bible tells us that God puts certain desires in our heart so that we strive for them and ask God to help us in seeing them come to reality. Worship was quite good as usual and I got to usher! YAI! So now I’m a regular usher at both GC and Mars Hill! Thank you, God, for providing opportunities to serve, I feel so privileged!

Ok so here’s where it gets good… Pastor Jude was preaching on prayer, prayer in the spirit (tongues) to be specific, out of 1^st Corinthians 13 and 14. In the end, when he called people up to the front to receive the gift of speaking in tongues, the altar was literally flooded and so was my mind… so I’m gonna try to organize them here while trying to make as much sense as I possibly can.

First of all, I realized what a blessing it was for me to receive the Holy Spirit when I was young and didn’t think of it as “weird” and wasn’t scared by it. I received it with childlike faith and trust in God, knowing that if it was in the Bible and Jesus’ disciples did it, and it was from God, then I wanted it! I know too many people that don’t believe in speaking in tongues because they think it’s weird among other things. But come on guys, if speaking in tongues is “weird” then so is healing and believing in a guy that dies and then came back to life… how can you accept some parts of Christianity but not the others? How can you pick and chose what you want to believe out of the Bible and what you don’t? It doesn’t work like that… Why do I believe in it? Well, besides having personally experienced it, having it and living it, IT’S IN THE BIBLE! And I’ve seen it work miracles too many times to deny its reality and power. The same thing with believing in God… it’s personal experience… like the song says, “I saw You breaking my fall, what am I supposed to do?” What else can I do but believe? How can I not believe?

Second, during worship, when Pastor Jude prayed, he asked us to pray for our “One”, the one person we want to come to know God before the end of the year. Now, when I first heard about this last year I couldn’t pick a “One” because I couldn’t choose between all of my friends. But now, I just prayed for God to choose for me. I asked Him who He wanted to be my “One”. As I was praying, I saw images of all my friends’ faces in front of me. Gradually, they all started fading away and there was only one face left. I got my answer! Don’t get me wrong, I’m totally claiming all of my friends for God and I believe they all will come to know Him, but now I know who will be the first and who He wants me to focus my prayers on right now, and that’s exciting!

Third, when I stood up to worship at the end of service and prayed in the spirit, I felt and heard God take me by the hand and tell me to come dream with Him. I was shocked and in awe… I couldn’t believe it was real… but it was… He told me to tell Him my dreams, to name names, to claim people and dreams… and I did… I named names… I named names that I used to think would never come to God, but I now know they will.

Another thing that came to me was the thought that I shouldn’t get discouraged when people don’t come to know God and His truth as soon as I tell them about it. I want things to happen right now, but maybe “NOW” is not God’s time for it…

There are two beautiful songs which I love and they have words that flow beautifully together…“You make me wanna live…” and “I love You more than life…” and that’s pretty much how I feel about God…

$$$

Current mood: determined
Category: Life

I won’t beat around the bush-my finances are a mess right now and I’m freaking out. It’s funny because they actually have been a mess for a while and I was fine with it, but today I found out just how much of a mess they were and it freaked me out. Just yesterday I was talking about how I’m perfectly fine and calm when I should be freaking out and how it wasn’t considered normal. Honestly, I really don’t worry about things much anymore. I just kind of hand them off to God because I know He is with me and He is in control and He knows all my needs and He will provide and take care of me. And that’s true, He always does. So then why did I burst into tears today when I got off the phone with the bank? It’s not because I don’t have money, God provided me with money yesterday… I guess I just feel so guilty and horrible for being a bad steward with the money He gives me and being careless with it which gets me in trouble. I’m faithful in tithing and all, but I’m not very responsible with balancing my checkbook and spending the rest of it. And it finally caught up with me. I’m ashamed before God. I’m like a bad child who has broken a toy that her father has given her… is God still with me, taking care of me and providing for me? Absolutely! Is He teaching me a lesson by letting me feel how utterly lost, confused, helpless, desperate and hopeless I would feel without Him? Yes. Do I get it? Yes… I am so sorry… Mrs. J said that sometimes God lets us feel stress and worry so that it would drive us to Him in prayer and I agree. Although I personally prefer the piece of mind and calmness He gives me in all areas of my life, I admit I do need a kick in the butt every once in a while to straighten me out. I definitely learned my lesson though, never again will my checking account get this out of wack!

Currently listening : Hiding Place By Selah Release date: 25 May, 2004

More Than Just OK

Current mood: contemplative
Category: serious Friends

this whole weekend was a war... well, actually everyday is a war, but this weekend it was exposed. quick rundown:

fri-YP street witnessing in belltown... in the rain... i met some people who "knew" the truth, but the devil has his grip on them so tight that it was mixed in with lies, deceptions and illusions. theres a real bloody war going on for people's souls right in downtown Seattle, and its pretty vicious.

sat-GC Gathering... spiritual warfare at its worst... i felt it even as i was preparing for the worship and dance... that stuff glorifies God... its a huge weapon... the evil cant stand it... worship is the highest level of warfare... and the fight was on... pastor Luce painted a pretty clear picture of how God literally saved us out of a bloody battle for our souls that was inches away from destroying us, killing us not only spiritually, but physically as well.

sun-this week is a week of prayer... fasting and prayer... if there was ever a time to ask God something... anything... it is now. and you bet your _____ i'm asking for big things... i'm asking for AL, ML, FP, AA, RB, JN, JR, JI, DH, TP, AP, D, NB, MB, NL, MF, and others whom it would take hours to name... i'm asking for my family, for forgiveness, for healing, for restoration, for reconciliation, and for salvation. i'm aksing for my business, my finaces, my health, GC, CC, MH, and all the leaders. I'm aksing for Seattle, WA, Providence, and RI. I'm asking for miracles, for revelations, for divine interventions and encounters. I'm asking for being shook up, slapped in the face and awakened... i claim these things in Jesus' name and I will take them by force. i am a worrier and a soldier, and i have devotion, defiance and courage. i will not back down, give up or give in. every second counts, every day, every soul... everything... i know now that God brought me to Seattle for such a time as this. to know this, to live this, to be prepared, to make a difference.

Last night @ SU i was praying with RS and TR and the battle for my own soul became so clear and so real i was scared. i was getting freaked out actually, but i remembered that God is with me. He will keep and protect His chosen ones because He has a purpose for them to fulfill here on earth. Still, when i think about how many times God must have saved my life even when i did not know Him... How many times did i drive home drunk? how many times did i... yet He has kept me all this time... preserved me for such a time as this. and He will keep me still. He will break my fall each time i stumble and bring me back under His grace over and over and over again. He wont let me go, He wont let me backslide, He wont let me compromise, He will finish what He has started in me and He will fulfill His purpose for me. These things just must happen. God has already pre-destined it.

He is a prayer answering God, what can i say? we dont know when where and how, but we do know that He has, He does and He will. One of my prayers got answered last night, and it was a complete surprise. the answer came from where i didnt expect it to... KC funded my GC Retreat... so i guess God wants me to go... another thing... often God will supply our spiritual needs before the physical ones... we are, after all, spiritual being having a physical experience...

So i guess what i'm trying to say with the topic of this blog is that i'm more than just OK, i'm more than fine... despite everything, and also because of everything, i now know where i stand in this spiritual battle. the lines have been clearly drawn...

one more thing... sorry guys i know i'm all over the place, its just that i have so much going through my mind right now, i need a lot of blogs to express it all. RS, TR and i were talking last night about Hell and how people think they'll live forever, and now is the "right" time to get right with God. and how people "know" the truth yet do nothing about it. well what makes you so special? God has kept you alive and well until this day for a purpose... don't wait, you might not have tomorrow. the devil wants to kill and destroy young people by telling them that they have time, that they should wait because God is not going anywhere. Well God isnt... but you are... you are drifting farther and farther away from Him... closer and closer to the edge of Hell. How many times have I myself said those words? Not now, God, i havent turned 21 yet... not now God, i'm having too much fun... not now God, he's really cute and i really like Him... not now... until i got to the point where i was crying out... where are you God? i need You! i need You now! Help me! oh yea i got desperate for Him very quickly once i was dangled over the edge of depression and despair and thoughts of suicide. so what will it take for you? a brush with death? how many times has that already happened? come guys... dont you want to be more that just OK? more than fine? i know i do and i know i am... get in His presence... one thing about the presence of God... i dont care who you are, when He touches you, you will be changed! His touch is so powerful, so strong, yet so gentle and so loving.... theres no escape from it... and once He's got you, He's not letting go...and thats a promise...and theres no safer place to be....even when the enemy is plotting to kill, destroy and rip you out of His loving arms, its not going to happen... He's got you, and He will keep you... until the day you meet...

I'M BACK!

Current mood: ecstatic
Category: Life

(i tried to post this last night after GC but my comp was acting up so here it is now )

I'M BACK! I'M BACK! I'M BACK! Back under grace and it feels SO GOOD! I gotta tell you though, I was really worried and scared there for a while, but now that I got my joy back and I got my peace back, I NEVER want to risk loosing it again! I was TOTALLY prayed for! Thanks Reagan and Renee and anyone else who prayed for me, you guys are my angels, I love you ! Funny, God didnt even wait for GC to bring me back... somewhere between the worship choir rehersal and pre-service prayer at Kirkland, i literally saw and felt God's grace just come over me and cover me like a sheild... it was really pretty amazing... i think it was while we were singing "Jesus, we worship You, we lift Your name on high, this song of praise will be our cry, will be our cry..." after that everything just snapped back into place and it felt like I was back, like i never lost grace, everything was restored just as it were before, if not even better!

while we were singing "Better is One Day" @ PSP i just kept thinking, wow that's so true, i would so much rather spend one night in the presence of God than countless nights with anyone else... i would rather dance one hour for God than a whole night in the hottest club for the hottest guys... fo' real yo! hehe

The whole day was just so blessed... in the AM i went to the MPMP, pretty much just because i wanted to start the year off right and give the firstfruits to God and just be faithful to Him even if i didn't have the feelings behind it. i almost didn't go, but God woke me up and kinda gave me a kick in the butt lol... it was good of course, and it started off the day on a "faithful" theme which was re-affirmed at morning prayer @ work, where the pastor was talking about how it's impossible to please God without faith and faith is what enables us to be faithful and when we are faithful to God, He is faithful right back... how true... i was faithful even though i was struggling and He was faithful to bring me back...

Dance Team was good... i cant wait for the GATHERING ! and I cant wait to make it on the LIVE team! i know i will too, cuz thats one of the things that MUST happen hehe ...

Currently listening : God He Reigns: Live Worship From Hillsong Church By Hillsong Release date: 13 September, 2005

Can't come up with one

Current mood: aggravated
Category: Life

Just got back from cadre… I thought it would bring me back but it didn’t… if anything, I feel like I’m even farther away now… RS said that I feel distant… well how am I supposed to feel? Why do I feel so alone in this? Nobody understands this… what I went through, what I’m going through… well… Jesus does… but I can’t even allow myself to be comforted right now… I just feel so many things, realize so many things, and fighting so many things… what am I supposed to do? Yes, I know… pray. But if pray right now I will cry and I’m kind of saving it for GC tomorrow night. I’m not even sure how I’m going to dance tomorrow… never mind pray and worship… how am I going to get past this? I thought that they answer would have been to just dive in and get lost in my life here doing all the things I love… you know… “I’m diving in, I’m going deep, in over my head I wanna be, lost in the rush, swept in the flow, in over my head I wanna go…” just dive in and swim… so why do I feel like I’m sinking? Going to work today was great, but even seeing my kids and other teachers couldn’t push away the pain and the longing that I feel right now. I know what happened… I’ve stepped out from under God’s grace and now I lost my peace, my joy, and… well… grace… I know exactly how it happened. And I can’t exactly take it back… so what do I do? It’s even more than that though… I’ve realized that my so called non-Christian friends are more my friends than some of my Christian friends here. Yes I know we are all just imperfect humans and I can’t look to other humans for happiness and such, but I really see now how even though my friends are not Christians it doesn’t mean they don’t love me and they do in fact want what’s best for me. They may not understand everything, but they are my friends and I do love them. What else? Oh yes… JR and JN… well I just need to ask God to take care of that… its too much for me and I don’t even want to deal with it. All I can do is pray. I’m not sure if I should even be talking to them right now. God can take these feeling away, I know He can fix this because He did it with JM. So basically, the moral of the story is that I need to turn everything over to God and beg for Him to take me back under His grace again. Everything always comes back to Him huh? Yes, I know, was that ever even a question? Only He can sort out and make sense out of the mess that is in my heart and in my head right now. Jesus, I’m all Yours… go for it… Amen and good night.

Travel

Current mood: sad
Category: Life

isnt travel pretty incredible? i mean one moment youre in one place and the next in a completely different one? one moment youre admiring the pacific ocean and the next youre staring at the atlantic one... pretty crazy stuff... this whole moving around... well physically anyways... but what about your heart and your mind...? when i landed in SeaTac last night, my body was there, but by heart and my mind were still fully in RI... with my friends, my family, and the people i loved... people i still love... in a way i almost hate having left... i mean i am very happy to be back, back to my cozy little life and i keep telling myself that soon i will forget about my trip to RI, as soon as i throw myself into my life here... all that happened will be just a distant memory and i wont feel these things anymore... but right now i do feel them... pain, love, hurt, all the things i thought i left behind... all the things i thought didnt affect me anymore... i miss people... i keep thinking about what could have been and i need to stop. sure i could have had temporary happiness, some fleeting pleasure, but i know things are better off the way they are now... i might be walkng through a little valley of shadows and illusions now but i know the truth and my eyes are fixed on JC and not on what might and could have been and even what is... i'm looking towards to what will be in Him and who I am in Him and i know i'll get through this...

Currently listening : Simply Nothing By Shawn McDonald Release date: 10 August, 2004