Christmas... among other things...

Current mood: refreshed
Category: Life

ok i have a confession to make... I was totally not into Christmas this year. i actually wanted to boycott it. i wanted nothing to do with it. i hated hearing the Christmas songs, i would always change the station. i hated going to the mall and seeing the decorations, i really did not want to think about or even celebrate Christmas. I couldnt figure out what was wrong with me. I have ALWAYS loved Christmas. i would look forward to it every year. I loved the songs and decorations and cookies and presents and trees and everything that had anything to do with Christmas in any way shape or form. This year was supposed to be even more so since this would be my first Christmas as a "new" Christian. You'd think that I'd be super into Christmas this year since i now love God and Jesus and can totally understand and appreciate the true meaning of Christmas. Nope... I was so bummed out about the whole thing, I couldnt figure out what was wrong and how i could fix it. i voiced my concerns to a friend tonite and she told me to just ask God to reveal it to me. I did, but then i totally forgot about it since i was also dealing with some other issues in terms of doubting the promises God gave me and losing faith in what God revealed to me He would do in my life. Honestly, I had a great morning at the MPM prayer and God gave me amazing scriptures, but the chaos of the day was quickly robbing me of my faith and trust in God's word. I could barely worship at GC and i couldn't stop wondering what was wrong with me. I was begging God to help me because i really felt terrible. Well, GOD ROCKED MY WORLD through what Pastor Judah preached. I recieved not one, but THREE revelations tonite!

1. Christmas - He wants me to be His present this year! Instead of focusing on what I can get out of this Holiday season I need to focus on what I can give GOD: MYSELF! How? By being totally devoted to Him through 2. private secret prayer time with Him. I gotta say that I was totally missing that aspect of my relationship with Him. I mostly worshiped by listening to worship CDs and even sermons, but I only prayed in church, at Cadre, or with friends. I read my Bible daily, but I did not pray by myself. I did not have a fig tree (prayer closet) where I would go to spend some secret private time with God. I am SO ashamed to say it, but prayer was not a priority in my life. Yea, I would talk to God as I was driving and tell Him how much I love Him and how greatful I was and I would revel in Him, but I did not really pray outside of church. Why? Because i didnt think i was good at it. my words wouldnt come out the way i wanted them to and it didnt sound as good as when it did when others prayed. so because of that, i did not devote much time to praying. Well, tonight God revealed to me just how important secret prayer time is. we need it to recharge and refuel and abide in the Lord. thats where we recieve our strength, our faith, and our peace. The reason why i so often doubted God and got scared and frustrated was because i was not spending enough private time with Him, getting to know Him. I was trying to do everything by myself and taking matters into my own hands instead of 3. trusting the Lord because He said He will take care of me and He will fulfill His will for my life. All I have to do is trust in Him, wait on Him, and stand firm in faith on His promises and He will bring it to pass! WOW! And it all comes down to hiding in the fig tree... devoting myself totally to Him... I have nothing to fret about... His favor will find me... He will do what I cant... He will fulfill His word in my life... WOW

so i repented...

God, I love You... and God, i'm sorry that i have neglected our dates under the fig tree... I want to be where You are... I want to know You more and more... I thank You for revealing Yourself to me... I thank You for everything You will do in my life... I love You... I offer myself as a gift to You this Christmas. I am wholly devoted to You... and You will find me under the fig tree...