Oops...

Current mood: thoughtful
Category: Life

OK so the HS has been speakng to me lately and I'm really sorry about wanting to go home. I guess I kind of realized that while I can go back to my perfect little life, with my perfect little job, family, friends and church, (well ok, maybe not so perfect, but definetly Christian) my friends here can't... For them this is it... this is their life, their reality and for some of them...their future... That kind of broke my heart... So I guess you can say I'm not so eager to go home now... I am home... This is my home and this my family and these are my friends... and my mission is to change their future...

Currently listening : God He Reigns: Live Worship From Hillsong Church By Hillsong Release date: 13 September, 2005

Homesick

Current mood: mellow
Category: Travel and Places

yea i'm pretty much ready to go home... i miss my car, my friends, the mountains, the space needle, my students, my school, my CADRE, and most of all, GC, YP, CC, and MH! i more than miss it... it's more like i'm getting desperate for it... this was good and all, but i need to go back now... i'm ready to get back to my life... and i have so many things to look forward to! i wish i could just combine the best of things here with my life over there... that would be sweet... i appeciate some things more now... a lot more... its been a good lesson... SO CAN I GO HOME NOW???

Currently reading : Mere Christianity By C. S. Lewis Release date: 05 February, 2001

Pain and Suffering

Current mood: confused
Category: Friends

OK so I'm here and I'm seeing all my friends and spending time with them and catching up on everything... and it's depressing... Once again... my famous question... HOW CAN PEOPLE LIVE WITHOUT GOD? And the answer... MISERABLY... It seems like all of my friends are going through a really hard time right now... Heartbreak, depression, financial trouble and just plain old UNHAPPY! Oh sure, they try to put up a front and act like nothing is wrong but I know better... and it kills me to see them like that...

I saw Narnia last night and cried... then went home and read a chapter from C.S. Lewis' Mere Christianity. The reason it's taking me so long to get through this book is because it's so deep and I need to stop and think about what I just read in order for it to really sink in... Anyways I read about Lewis was trying to explain how God created us to get happiness from Him and how it simply doesn't exist apart form Him. When we ask Him to make us happy without Him, He can't because it's just not possible... So the moral of the story is that people need God... He is the only one that can complete them and make them happy... even in the times of stress and uncertainty in their lives... It's so frustrating because I ahve seeing my friends hurting and not being able to tell them, "Hey, I have the answer, well ok, not me but God does!" I mean that's what I've been telling them, but do they get it? I know I can't have a relationship with God for them... that's why it's so personal... So for now I'm just praying... filling up my prayer journal with prayers and intercessions for whoever God puts on my heart... and I believe of course! God is going to do wonderful things in their lives and they will know Him and they will know true happiness... !!!

Currently reading : Mere Christianity By C. S. Lewis Release date: 05 February, 2001

Merry Christmas!

Current mood: happy
Category: Life

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!

I got my present early this year! At 1 PM today my stepmom gave birth to a beautiful baby girl Sophia! She is so cute and tiny! It was pretty amazing to hold her and have her look at me! I finally have a sisiter!

This is absolutely the best Christmas ever... Maybe because now I realize it'a not about me...

Tomorrow I'm going to SAAG... pretty nervous and excited... it's been a while and I'm not the same person anymore... I wonder who I'll see there...

God has been so faithful by providing me with ample fig tree time everyday I'm amazed how good He is! This whole vacation is very blessed and annointed and it's only going to get better! Praise the Lord, all I can do is thank Him for everything He has done, is doing and will do! AMEN!

Currently reading : Mere Christianity By C. S. Lewis Release date: 05 February, 2001

Mission Trip

Current mood: nervous
Category: Travel and Places

no, this is not about the mission trip i want to take to south africa this summer... this is about the trip i'm taking tomorrow... back to RI... for 10 days... for Christmas and New Years...

GUYS PLEASE PRAY FOR ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ok i admit it, i'm nervous... my last venture out of the safety of the church was less than pleasant and left me in tears... i'm sure this trip will do the same... dont get me wrong, i love and miss my RI friends and family A LOT! i'm very excited about seeing them and spending time with them again! i cant wait to hug them and talk to them face to face! the problem is that i'm not the same person anymore... i'm not the same girl that left in august... i know my friends know that, and i mentioned it to my dad as well, but this will hit them hard when they see it in person... i'm already trying to prepare myself for the temptations and struggles... i know i won't be accepted... this will totally be a mission trip... i'm praying that God will prepare me as well as my friends and i believe that He will... i believe that i will come back with a powerful testimony... however, i know i will experience hurt and disappointment as well as triumph... why? well... i love my friends... more so now than ever... and my dad and his wife... but i love God above all and i wont submit or conform to my old lifestyle... i'm even thinking about just not seeing or talking to certain people while i'm there... oh well it's all in God's hands... His will be done...

Father, just give me Your grace and Your strength to glorify Your name...

Currently listening : Jesus Freak By dc Talk Release date: 21 November, 1995

24 Hours

Current mood: energetic
Category: Goals, Plans, Hopes

WOW! What a difference 24 hours make... There's a song by Switchfoot on their Beautiful Letdown CD that is titled 24 and I totally feel like that now... God knows us, He knows our hearts, He knows exactly what we really want and what we really need! It just amazes me what a good father God is. He knows us enough and loves us enough not to give us what we think we want/need, but what is truly best for us. Thank you! Last night God took my broken hurting heart and healed it... He showed me that what I thought couldn't get any better pales in comparison with what HE has in store for me. That blew my mind. Come on now guys, only a real, living GOD can do that! How grateful am I? Words can't even begin to describe...

Currently listening : Beautiful Letdown By Switchfoot Release date: 22 June, 2004

C'est La Vie

Current mood: crushed
Category: Goals, Plans, Hopes

ok i'm bummed... its not even that... i mean i'm just having a hard time not understnding certain things and its almost as if i'm a blind kitten who has to rely on the help and guidance of others, trusting that they know whats best. at the same time i do understand and i know what's going on... it still hurts though... but i get it... and i do trust and i do believe and i do submit and i do let go and i will be healed and restored and comforted and given peace... AMEN

Currently listening : More Than Life - United By Hillsong Release date: 23 March, 2004

Poems ;)

Current mood: contemplative
Category: Writing and Poetry

Hope you can handle these... ;)

E. H. Hamilton

Afraid? Of what?

To feel the spirit’s glad release?

To pass from pain to perfect peace,

The strife and strain of life to cease?

Afraid-of that?

Afraid? Of what?

Afraid to see the Savior’s face

To hear His welcome and to trace

The glory gleam from wounds of grace?

Afraid-of that?

Afraid? Of what?

A flash, a crash, a pierced heart;

Dakness, light, O Heaven’s art!

A wound of His a counterpart!

Afraid-of that?

Afraid? Of what?

To do by death what life could not-

Baptize with blood a stony plot,

Till souls shall blossom from the spot?

Afraid-of that?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Creed

We believe in Marx Freud and Darwin.
We believe everything is OK
as long as you don't hurt anyone,
to the best of your definition of hurt,
and to the best of your knowledge.

We believe in sex before, during and after marriage.
We believe in the therapy of sin.
We believe that adultery is fun.
We believe that sodomy's OK.
We believe that taboos are taboo.

We believe that everything's getting better
despite evidence to the contrary.
The evidence must be investigated
And you can prove anything with evidence.

We believe there's something in horoscopes,
UFO's and bent spoons;
Jesus was a good man just like Buddha,
Mohammed, and ourselves.
He was a good moral teacher although we think
His good morals were bad.

We believe that all religions are basically the same -
at least the one that we read was.
They all believe in love and goodness.
They only differ on matters of creation,
sin, heaven, hell, God, and salvation.

We believe that after death comes the Nothing
Because when you ask the dead what happens
they say nothing.
If death is not the end, if the dead have lied, then it's compulsory heaven for all, excepting perhaps
Hitler, Stalin, and Genghis Khan.

We believe in Masters and Johnson.
What's selected is average.
What's average is normal.
What's normal is good.

We believe in total disarmament.
We believe there are direct links between warfare and bloodshed.
Americans should beat their guns into tractors
and the Russians would be sure to follow.

We believe that man is essentially good.
It's only his behaviour that lets him down.
This is the fault of society.
Society is the fault of conditions.
Conditions are the fault of society.

We believe that each man must find the truth that is right for him.
Reality will adapt accordingly.
The universe will readjust.
History will alter.
We believe that there is no absolute truth
excepting the truth
that there is no absolute truth.

We believe in the rejection of creeds,
and the flowering of individual thought.

If chance be
the Father of all flesh,
disaster is his rainbow in the sky,
and when you hear

State of Emergency!
Sniper Kills Ten!
Troops on Rampage!
Whites go Looting!
Bomb Blasts School!

It is but the sound of man
worshipping his maker.

~Steve Turner

Currently listening : Beautiful Letdown By Switchfoot Release date: 22 June, 2004

Enamored....

Enamored....
Current mood: chipper
Category: Life

I've been in love before... Trust me... Those that know me can confirm that lol... I've loved and been loved so I'm pretty familiar with the whole concept... So right now I'd like to make an announcement from the rooftops and the mountains for the world to know...

I AM IN LOVE! I am mucho in love! I am ENAMORED! And no, it's not with the object of my admiration (there... I admitted I have one!)...it's different... I am truly, madly, and deeply in love with... Jesus (God)!

"...whom having not seen you love."

I Peter 1:8

I know... I can't really understand it either and I don't know how it's possible and I'm amazed by it... How can I have these feelings for someone I've never seen? Well, except in Christian movies but those don't count. Yet these feelings are so strong and so real and they get stronger everyday... Sometimes it overwhelms and scares me, but not in a bad way... :)

I love Him... I mean all the "symptoms" are there...

1. He's the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last on my mind before I fall asleep

2. I think about Him constantly throughout the day

3. I talk about Him all the time with everyone

4. I sing love songs to Him all the time, esp. in my car when I drive

5. I LOVE reading the Bible! I actually crave it now! I mean, those are His love letters to me :D

6. Same thing with prayer... can't get enough of spending time with Him! I long for it, for His presence, for His touch.

7. I love coming over to His house, being in His presence and chilling with His kids and friends.

What's even more amazing is that I've never been this passionate about any of the guys I "loved" before...

Like I said I can't explain it, but I'm def. experiencing it... and it's quite a trill!

Currently listening : World Through Your Eyes By Reuben Morgan Release date: 13 September, 2005

So This is What it's Like...

Current mood: crushed
Category: Life

So this is what it's like to be a Jesus Freak...

"...rejected indeed by men, but chosen by God and precious...But you are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, His own special people, that you may proclaim the praises of Him who called you out of darkness into His marvelous light;"

I Peter 2:4,9

Everything looks different in the light... Last night I was rocked to the core yet again when God showed me where He rescued me from and what He has done in me. It was a hard and painful revelation to take in, but it showed me that God was indeed doing something amazing in my life.

How can people live without God? Better yet, how can Christians live without knowing and loving God? Last night I saw spiritual warfare so clearly that it scared me... I saw how the devil was hurting people, lying to them, destroying their lives... It hurt... Why? Lesley called it compassion... God gave me the spirit of intersession for those people... Why? Because I'm a Jesus Freak... I refuse to go back to where I've been and I refuse to stay where I am... I want to know God more and more, I long to be closer and closer to Him, to know Him more intimatly... to love Him deeper and deeper. No matter what it takes... Zero compromises, zero relaxation, zero complacency... Why?

"...but as He who called you is holy, you also be holy in all your conduct, because it is written, 'Be holy for I am holy.'"

I Peter 1:15-16

I won't apologize for the love and passion I have for God. I won't back down or give in. I may be misunderstood, mocked, made fun of and rejected by those I love, but I wasn't the first one... and I won't be the last one.. and I'm not alone...

Currently listening : Restored By Jeremy Camp Release date: 16 November, 2004

Apples

Current mood: enthralled
Category: Goals, Plans, Hopes

Once again J taught an amazing class on Sunday... It was such a revelation to me to realize that God really does view everything differently than we do. He sees us, our circumstances and our future from a different perspective, and it's really incredible... We are the apple of His eye... That's how precious we are to Him, but that doesn't even begin to cover it... The pupil is the "apple of the eye" and when you get close enough to someone you can see a reflection of yourself in their eyes... It's pretty incredible... I want to be that close to God! I want to see myself in His eyes and I want Him to see Himself in mine...

During the service, especially worship and the altar call, (Sat. night @ YP too) I recieved another revelation if you can call it that... I was looking around and I saw so many young people, guys, young men specifically, worshiping, praying, crying out to God... so emotional... and that's when I knew it more than ever: ONLY GOD can do that to men! Only something extremely powerful can move macho men to tears and to worship with their hands raised, singing their hearts out to the Lord! And that is my favorite sight! It moves me in such a way that it dissolves any doubt, any skepticism and any disbelief about the existance, validity and the power of God. Only something very great, something that is bigger than ourselves can do that to us... it's not emotions... it's the power of the Holy Spirit and it can sure move hearts...

Jesus Freak (II)

Current mood: touched
Category: Life

"FROM THIS DAY FORWARD...

I will make a difference.

Jesus, I thank You that You suffered and died for me on the cross to pay for my sins.

Father, I thank You that You raised Jesus from the dead to be my living Lord and Savior.

Holy Spirit I thank You that You will lead me to do the right thing and change my world.

Today, Lord, I want to make You a promise.

I will not be ashamed of Your name or Your Gospel.

I will do what I can for those that are persecuted and pray for them.

I will look enemies in the eye and love them with Your love. I will pray for them and love them-no matter what the consequences.

I will follow Your voice wherever You lead me, unafriad, for I know You will be with me.

If I should stumble, if I fall, if I should deny Your name, if I should feel guilty that I did not pray or forgot to do something You've asked me to do, I will not quit. I will not wallow in guilt. I will turn back to You, confess my sin, and do what You called me to do, because that is why You died for me.

I will stand with You and my brothers and sisters around the world, because no matter what happens, no matter what I face or how it looks, in the end, we will be victorious-we will inherit eternity and heaven with You.

I can do nothing else, because...I AM A JESUS FREAK."

-Jesus Freak by DC Talk and The Voice of the Martyrs

OK so I'm reading this book now and every time I pick it up and read one of the stories I can't help but cry my eyes out... These people are not only persecuted, they are TORTURED and MURDERED for their faith in God.

I've always thought about dying for Jesus, and I've always known that I'd be willing but only out of fear of going to Hell if I didn't. But now, I know that I would do it out of my love for Him. God doesn't want us to serve Him out of fear but out of love, although fear is often what drives people to do most things in life. Russian churches often talk about persecution of Christians because they themselves have been persecuted in Russia, my family included. And this didn't happen that long ago. This has been a subject I've often had to face, listen to, but not so much as deal with... at least not in a physical way... American churches don't talk much about persecution, torture and dying for Christ in a physical way and that can be dangerous. Sure, it's not so difficult to bear losing your friends, being made fun of and mocked for your beliefs, but would you endure imprisonment, physical torment and physical death for Jesus? That's where I believe love comes in. If we really truly love God we are already dead to this world in a physical way as well as spiritual way so when the time comes to face not only the rejection of our friends and loved ones, but cruel and painful torments we can say, Jesus, I love You, and I'm doing this for You because You have already done so for me... Yes, I'm a Jesus Freak!

Kids (II)

Current mood: mellow
Category: Movies, TV, Celebrities

OK so I showed my kids a movie today after lunch, Joseph, King of Dreams, and I was amazed by how much I liked it even more so than the kids... I mean they absolutely loved the whole things, not having to work, the popcorn, the movie, cuddling up with me lol ;) what can i say, i love my students! but the movie just totally hit me in such a new way. I've always known Joseph's story, I heard it so may times, even preached in the church and yet seeing the movie and hearing the songs revealed it to me in such a powerful way it went straight to my heart and brought tears to my eyes. One of the songs in the movie pretty much summed up the whole thing: "You know better than me" and that is exactly what God has been walking me through lately: TRUST. One of my favorite Hillsong songs says "Your ways are better than mine, Your thoughts are higher than mine" No matter what's happening in our lives we need to trust God because His ways of doing things, thoughts, plans and purposes for us are better than our own. We can't even imagine what He has in store for us but we must trust that it is something amazing and He is always with us and our lives are in His hand and He is ALWAYS in control. I know it's hard somethimes to trust but the reward is so great how can we not?

The Chosen One

Current mood: grateful
Category: Life

It amazes me everyday... I look around me and see so many people who do not know Jesus, or they know of Him but don't have a relationship with Him... and I think to myself... I'm different... God, You chose me to believe in You, to live for You, to love You... Lately I've been finding a lot of scriptures about how we are chosen by God and ever since I've heard pastor Mark at Mars Hill speak on how Jesus died for everyone, but in a saving way only for the elect, it's been boggling my mind how Jesus chose me from so many people to recieve His salvation and join His children in serving Him. I do believe that since God is all knowing He knows who will accept Him and who won't and He has chosen those who accept Him to pour out His favor and grace on them and to have His hand upon their lives even when they haven't accepted Him yet. It fills my heart with amazement, humbleness and gratitude to know that even before He created me He knew every day of my life, when I would first hear His name, have my first encounter with Him then break his heart by walking away and living my life for myself. But since I was chosen by Him He never gave up on me, His hand was upon me and He has preserved me until the day He revealed His love to me and poured it all over me, enabling me to fall in love with Him and give myself wholly to Him. I can almost hear Him say, this is My daughter whom I chose to love Me and worship Me. I have a great purpose and a plan for her life. I will use her to glorify My name and do great things in My name that many might come to know Me. I will not leave her or forsake her, I will keep her always in My hand and finish the great work I have started in her...

Guys, that breaks my heart and makes me cry in awe of how AMAZING God is and how much He loves and forgives and just blesses... I can't even begin to describe how greatful I am for His amazing love and grace in my life...

In conclusion, since only God knows whom He has chosen, it is our privileged duty to tell EVERYONE about how awesome God is and how incredible His love is and what a great joy it is to know Him and serve Him!

Kids

Current mood: mellow
Category: Jobs, Work, Careers

It's amazing how when you have a couple of kids absent it completely transforms the whole class. I have 2 brothers out today and I love those boys dearly but my class is actually QUIET today! It's quite nice... I have some time to breathe... I dont have to tell someone to be quiet and work every other minute and it's just a good day... A teacher can get used to this...

I got the golden ticket! ;)

Current mood: cheerful
Category: Travel and Places

It's official, I'm going to RI for Christmas and New Years! Yai! Can't wait to see my dad and Sveta and the baby! And my friends too of course! I bet I'll be kept quite busy and it will be nice to have others drive me around lol since I'll be carless... hehe.. K, I'm off to visit Ella's Cadre! MUAH!

Christmas... among other things...

Current mood: refreshed
Category: Life

ok i have a confession to make... I was totally not into Christmas this year. i actually wanted to boycott it. i wanted nothing to do with it. i hated hearing the Christmas songs, i would always change the station. i hated going to the mall and seeing the decorations, i really did not want to think about or even celebrate Christmas. I couldnt figure out what was wrong with me. I have ALWAYS loved Christmas. i would look forward to it every year. I loved the songs and decorations and cookies and presents and trees and everything that had anything to do with Christmas in any way shape or form. This year was supposed to be even more so since this would be my first Christmas as a "new" Christian. You'd think that I'd be super into Christmas this year since i now love God and Jesus and can totally understand and appreciate the true meaning of Christmas. Nope... I was so bummed out about the whole thing, I couldnt figure out what was wrong and how i could fix it. i voiced my concerns to a friend tonite and she told me to just ask God to reveal it to me. I did, but then i totally forgot about it since i was also dealing with some other issues in terms of doubting the promises God gave me and losing faith in what God revealed to me He would do in my life. Honestly, I had a great morning at the MPM prayer and God gave me amazing scriptures, but the chaos of the day was quickly robbing me of my faith and trust in God's word. I could barely worship at GC and i couldn't stop wondering what was wrong with me. I was begging God to help me because i really felt terrible. Well, GOD ROCKED MY WORLD through what Pastor Judah preached. I recieved not one, but THREE revelations tonite!

1. Christmas - He wants me to be His present this year! Instead of focusing on what I can get out of this Holiday season I need to focus on what I can give GOD: MYSELF! How? By being totally devoted to Him through 2. private secret prayer time with Him. I gotta say that I was totally missing that aspect of my relationship with Him. I mostly worshiped by listening to worship CDs and even sermons, but I only prayed in church, at Cadre, or with friends. I read my Bible daily, but I did not pray by myself. I did not have a fig tree (prayer closet) where I would go to spend some secret private time with God. I am SO ashamed to say it, but prayer was not a priority in my life. Yea, I would talk to God as I was driving and tell Him how much I love Him and how greatful I was and I would revel in Him, but I did not really pray outside of church. Why? Because i didnt think i was good at it. my words wouldnt come out the way i wanted them to and it didnt sound as good as when it did when others prayed. so because of that, i did not devote much time to praying. Well, tonight God revealed to me just how important secret prayer time is. we need it to recharge and refuel and abide in the Lord. thats where we recieve our strength, our faith, and our peace. The reason why i so often doubted God and got scared and frustrated was because i was not spending enough private time with Him, getting to know Him. I was trying to do everything by myself and taking matters into my own hands instead of 3. trusting the Lord because He said He will take care of me and He will fulfill His will for my life. All I have to do is trust in Him, wait on Him, and stand firm in faith on His promises and He will bring it to pass! WOW! And it all comes down to hiding in the fig tree... devoting myself totally to Him... I have nothing to fret about... His favor will find me... He will do what I cant... He will fulfill His word in my life... WOW

so i repented...

God, I love You... and God, i'm sorry that i have neglected our dates under the fig tree... I want to be where You are... I want to know You more and more... I thank You for revealing Yourself to me... I thank You for everything You will do in my life... I love You... I offer myself as a gift to You this Christmas. I am wholly devoted to You... and You will find me under the fig tree...