Deja Vu

Lately salsa's been making me feel like I'm back in college... And not in a good way. All of a sudden I'm getting flashbacks of back when I used to go to clubs 3 nights a week, dancing with the hottest guys and the best dancers, staying 'till last call, doing the whole last dance thing and waiting for that after the club call to meet up and/or hook up. Yuk... the crap I put myself through all in the name of "fun".

I thought I was so over all that and I haven't really done any of it since college... until salsa. The connection didn't come until recently though. Even tonight, I recognized the familiarity of the scene... scoping out who was there, dancing and having fun with your friends, all while doing things to get attention from the person you really want attention from... in short, "playing the game". The drama of having the object of your affection there is almost unbearable... When you're just hanging out and dancing with your friends it's all good fun and dandy. But add feelings into the mix and it's pure emotional chaos. When you dance with someone you actually like, you're thinking... this is retarded... I don't want to just hold hands and go through the motions of some very proper ballroom dancing... I don't want to be so formal with you! I want to hug you, hold you, be close to you, talk to you, be alone with you, have face to face time with you that doesn't involve other people pining for mine or (worse) your attention! I get annoyed, and disappointed, jealous, and well... hurt. When you're in an actual relationship and the commitment is there, it's no big deal, but when you're not, it's inevitable, because frankly, you just don't know. No one wants to see a person they dig mackin' it to someone else.

I 'm not in college anymore and I don't want to feel like I am. Nor do I want to do the things I did when I was 22... I'm a stinkin' adult now so I'm done with this... I'm tired of salsa (not the dancing, just the scene) and I'm tired of this emotional roller coaster. I'm getting off... Maybe I'm not yet mature enough to separate dancing, attraction and romance, but I'm mature enough to stay away from it until it's no longer an issue.