I can't believe I'm here... This is the kind of stuff you read about in books by famous pastors and preachers, so why am I going through it now? It's been building up for quite a while now and is still not completely resolved, but I think I had some sort of a breakthrough last night at John and Vita's. After talking to them and crying for 3 hours late into the night, I now see oh so clearly how very wrong I was. I screwed up big time and had to be set straight by my pastors which hurt a lot... Pride comes before a fall and I fell... in public... My heart was right, but my attitude and actions were so terribly off... I spoke the truth alright, but there was no love in it. I hurt a lot of people and the damage goes beyond what I can even see right now. I know it will take a lot to repair the damage I've done to myself and to others. There's grace, but there are also consequences...
I'm learning so much right now, but why does it have to be so hard? I know we are just starting out and all of us are such novices, such amateurs, all need so much help, all screw up daily... all so very imperfect and that makes it so hard... We all have our own ideas, opinions, personalities and we all clash... That's inevitable... It's how we handle our differences... That's what's going to make us grow. And I haven't been helping... My attitude straight up sucked... So what if I'm right? So what if I really do have all the answers (which I don't)... What kind of a leader am I if I just go around publicly setting people straight all day and slapping them around if I think they're wrong (even if they are)? What kind of example do I set if I can't submit to and respect my youth leader and publicly rebel against him? Honestly... I don't even know if I'd want me on my team... Probably not... I've hurt and disappointed a lot of people and my guilty conscience wouldn't even let me do the transition last night. Walking out of the service didn't help either. By the time I got to John and Vita's I was a mess... And I still thought I was right!!! I love my pastors so much! I regard their opinion very highly, and I look up to them tremendously. I know they are not perfect either, but it nearly killed me to have them have that talk with me last night. I know they love me, and John was very gentle in telling me the truth, but I still hate the fact that they had to see me like that.
I've goofed up before, but this was the first time others were affected... the church was affected. I know I'm not perfect, but as Tricia always tells me, I have extremely high standards for myself and often have a hard time forgiving myself when I screw up. I know God forgave me for this even 2000 years ago and loves me more than I can ever know. I know John and Vita were never mad at me and still love me just as much. I know my friends love me and forgave me. I just have to love and forgive myself as well... I know God never wastes anything. What the devil meant for evil, God can turn around and use for good. He is a restorer and a redeemer of all things. This will strengthen our youth leadership team, bond my friends and I even closer together and teach me an invaluable lesson on love, grace and true leadership... A righteous man (woman) may fall, but they will ALWAYS get back up and continue to press forward. My God is a God of infinite 2nd chances...Nothing is ever lost with Him :)
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