Heartbreaker

Who, me? Apparently... Oh, the irony of it... It's tempting to just be with someone who called you "God's finest accomplishment"... Okay fine, so what he really said was I just may be God's finest accomplishment, but that's close enough :)

What more could I want? To be loved and adored by a nice Christian guy who worships the ground I walk on, loves Skillet and pretty much all the same cool Chistian music I do... True, he can't dance, but how important is that really? I mean, he even likes Pride and Prejudice! He is funny, sweet... and has been faithfully in love (infatuation) with me for well over a year...

And I just broke his heart by crushing all his hopes of us ever being together... Not in a mean way of course, and by no means on purpose, but nonetheless... Poor guy... I think he's moving on quite nicely though, judging by his MySpace... Good for him. I just couldn't do it... Couldn't settle for what I knew I didn't want, because I know what I do want...

Camping :)

...in Ulu's room is the best! We watched movies (ridiculous chic flicks of course), made smores on a gas stove and perused Facebook ;) And then of course we talked about boys 'till late, late hours of the night :P It was a classic slumber party! Here are some highlights:

Ulu: "I don't want to marry any of the English princes! They are not serving Jesus!"

Princess Diaries: Queen: "Other people loose it, we are supposed to find it! People look up to us! We are held to higher standards of behavior!" Princess: "Concept grasped, execution is somewhat elusive..." 

Haha, we had SO much fun!!!

So this is what we watched: 

*Princess Diaries, which was charming in some ways, and oh so stupid in others... Got some great quotes out of it though... "Shut UP!!"

*Sleepless in Seattle... It was my first time watching it... It was sweet... and ridiculous... and I love Seattle :)

*Notting Hill... it was okay... I really don't like chick flicks....

Her family made us breakfast... it was good :) I love my friend :) I'm gonna miss her :(

So here's the story...

So this is pretty much what happened: I fell in love... It didn't make much sense and pretty much opposed everything I believed in, but I couldn't help it. I frustrated myself, my friends, my pastors, and most of all, God's grace... As wrong as I knew it was, I still wanted it. And that just made me feel all the more guilty. So I tried to reason, bargain and overcompensate.... All to no avail. I was my own worst enemy. And then I got a "revelation" from Ulu... "Anna, don't you see how much God loves you? He won't even let you go there... Even when you want it and are willing to, His grace is protecting you by not even giving you the opportunity to fall." Literally, the next day God showed me a sign, something just between me and Him (even though some of my friends ended up being witnesses to it), that has finally set me free. And then I heard this song... and realized that this is exactly what has been going on and what God wanted to tell me...


10th Ave N "By Your Side"

Why are you striving these days
Why are you trying to earn grace
Why are you crying
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away

Why are you looking for love
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough
Where will you go child
Tell me where will you run
To whom will you run

'Cuz I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
Please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

Look at these hands and my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life
I want to give you life

Cause I, I love you
I want you to know
That I, I love you
I'll never let you go

I love finding these new, obscure "indie" Christian bands that are just so raw and real... They talk about real stuff, life as it is, the good, the bad and the ugly. Because sometimes it does get ugly. It's not always all flowers, candles and blissful Hallelujahs. Hard times do come, pain does come, tears do come... Heartbreak comes... Storms, winds, rain and earthquakes will come. It's what you do during that time that reveals who you really are, what you're really made of and what your life is built on. And it's those times that draw you closer to God than ever before... if you choose to go that way, of course... Or you can pull away and suffer alone, which I don't recommend. No matter what though, He is there, just waiting for you to let Him help you and rescue you.

Narnia

I watched the first Narnia movie tonight at youth service, and it was like watching it with different eyes. It was probably my 3rd or 4th time watching it actually, so I was very familiar with the story line, but still, it was as if I was hearing and seeing everything for the first time. I think I had tears in my eyes almost the whole entire movie... I think tonight, for the first time I've picked up on scenes, undertones and lines that I've never noticed before and it took on a whole new meaning for me. Also, having watched the sequel twice already, it helped me understand it better and gave me something to compare it to. So quickly, here are some things that have really stood out for me:

* The logic of Christianity... it is SO very reasonable

*Faith. You really CAN believe

*Love and Sacrifice... They are synonyms

*Hope and trust in God :) He knows what He is doing

*The pain of betrayal... having recently experienced that, it was like salt on the wound

*We ALWAYS have a choice

*Forget the past and move on. What's done is done

*Salvation, redemption and forgiveness... It's quite beautiful

* My God is GOOD. And I love Him...

It Happens

I’m a huge nerd and bookworm and a half. Really. One of my favorite places to hang out is B&N or Borders because I can just sit there all night pouring over all different books :) Ah, heaven... Of course, there’s one section in particular where I can almost always be found: Christian Inspiration. What can I say, I like being challenged and inspired by learning more about my wonderful God (and myself at the same time). I figure one can never know enough about 3 things: life, love, and oneself. Therefore, one should seek to know the creator of those things! For the same reason, I can also be found spending hours upon hours at either Lifeway or Family Christian store, spending whatever money I have on Bibles, books, journals, and music.

One particular book I have spent entirely way too much money on is my 2nd all time favorite book (right after the Bible), by one of my favorite authors: Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller. I have long since given away my worn out, thoroughly underlined, starred and highlighted copy of the book, as well as bought a copy for nearly everyone I know. The reason? It’s actually a part of the title: Non-religious thoughts on Christianity. The book is brilliantly written in such a simple, direct and open way that it absolutely disarms all readers from page 1. It’s so real, so raw and deals with such hands off topics that it’s literally a diamond in the rough. It has made me laugh, cry, and left such an impression that I felt compelled to tell everyone I know about it. I have read pretty much all other books by Donald Miller as well, and they are all outstanding, but Blue Like Jazz is a classic.

Anyway, the reason I bring it up is because I picked it up last week while I was in Lifeway, and I flipped through it until I found the part I was looking for. The part my spirit was almost craving to read, needed to see with my own eyes again to feel uplifted, inspired and encouraged... The part where Don’s friends Laura is having a conflict with giving into believing in God and her struggle with the Christian faith, and then her discovery and revelation of Jesus... The email she writes to Don, informing him of her decision to become a Christian never fails to make me choke up. And the way Don later describes what Laura went through, her simple, yet miraculously joyous “conversion” gives hope... It does happen... People do “get saved”. It happened to me, to my girls, to Imani’s co-worker last week, to an atheist Laura, and to countless of others. When they are ready, in their own time, people do come to God, and it’s AWESOME!!!

I randomly stumbled into a GC UD service two weeks ago and heard Pastor Judah speak about not shaking the fruit off the tree, but letting the seed grow, mature and become ripe before letting it fall into your hand. God’s word is good seed. When planted into people’s hearts, it will grow, sprout and then eventually produce fruit, the fruit of repentance, of acknowledging their need for God, and then that’s when salvation comes. No need to force the fruit off the tree before it’s ripe, just relax and go do stuff and live your life while the seed does its work. God saves, I don’t. I can’t, rather. I knew God wanted me to hear that message. The experience of watching someone you love and care about come to know God is euphoric... I want to experience it again rather badly, but meanwhile, I have to wait and let God take care of it in His perfect way and time. I don’t need to convict, convert and convince anyone. God Himself wants to take the credit for His word working, and I think I’ll let Him :)

A Breath of Fresh Air

YESSS!!! I can finally blog!!! Sorry to have been silent for so long, it’s not that I’ve been speechless or had nothing interesting going on, but on the contrary, I’ve been so ridiculously crazy busy I’ve barely had time to even go online, never mind to actually type out and describe all the wonderful things that have been taken place in my beautiful life :) Today, however, I’ve made a commitment to spend the bulk of the day at home, resting and relaxing, writing and catching up on organizing some IG stuff. So far, after having sent off just about half of our church to the Kidz Camp early this morning, I went home and straight to bed/sleep. Let’s just say that trying to sleep with Mendel and Johnny last night proved to be a bit of a challenge. Or at least falling asleep with them was... They are just too cute! And now I’m not planning on leaving my house until our youth service, which will just be a big party/movie night, with almost all leaders gone at Kids’ Camp (A.K.A. Youth Kamp #2). I’ll be heading there to join in on all the fun tomorrow night w/ Lina. Can’t wait!!! Plus, I’m scheduled to speak on Saturday morning, so I’m PSYCHED!

I love camping, road trips and going out of town. And lucky for me, I get to do it for 3 weekends in a row! WOO HOO!!! I’m also semi-excited that the Kidz Camp is in Moses Lake, because last weekend I met someone very cool from there... Let’s just say he is the most proper guy I have ever met or talked to... I was like, are you for real? Can I meet your parents so I can salute them? I honestly didn’t think they made them like that anymore. A bit conservative, but PROPER :)

Speaking of last weekend, after the road trip to Spokane, by the time I got out of the car back at John and Vita’s house, I swore up and down that I will NEVER again go anywhere as a 5th wheel with 2 married couples. Granted, John & Vita and Dima & Marina were super sweet to me and I didn’t have to spend a dime the entire trip, but being around 2 couples for 2 whole days was beyond torture. Spending the night at the best hotel in Spokane with the bridal party and then riding around with them all morning in a stretch Hummer limo kinda made up for it though :P It was a very fun weekend and I even got a pretty nice tan in Coeur D’Alene by the lake. Andrey and Alesya’s wedding was beautiful and I loved the HOT weather and sunshine! This weekend will be camping and water park in Moses Lake and next weekend (Labor Day) I'll be camping again with all my City Church friends at Lake Wenatchee :) Bring on the smores :D!!!

At a Loss for Words...

The song says it all... Thanks, Britt Nicole... "You"

"I’ve been looking for love in another’s eyes
Searching for water, but I come up dry
Thought that I could find
Happiness in the world’s applause
Peace of mind in a worthy cause
Take me back, take me back
Got to trust in the simple truth
Got to trust all I really need is
You

I’m coming back to You
The only thing I know worth living for
Will You take this heart and make it whole for You
I give it back to You
It’s obvious no one could love me more
I’m Yours
I’m coming back, yeah
I’m coming, coming back

To joy that speaks to my deepest need
To arms never far out of reach
Yeah, how Your love it
Calls to me when I lose my way
Holds me close when I feel afraid
Take me back, take me back
Got to trust that I’m safe and sound
Got to trust that it all comes down to
You

I’m coming back to You
The only thing I know worth living for
Will You take this heart and make it more like You
I give it back to You
It’s obvious no one could love me more
I’m Yours
I’m coming back, yeah
I’m coming, coming back

So no more getting caught in the middle
No more waiting for what is unsure
Back to Your love so true and so simple
Don’t understate it or complicate it
It’s so simple, yeah, it’s so simple

You, coming back to You,
I’m Yours, I’m Yours, yeah, yeah, I’m Yours,
I'm coming, coming back..."

I Live for This...

This past Sunday we had a Water Baptism service for 9 of our young people, all of them graduates of the NewBe class Lina and I teach :) Needless to say, I couldn't have been more proud... Later on, in church, one of the girls sang this song, to once again vocalize the love and commitment she expressed to God earlier at the lake... It was beautiful and reminded me of my own baptism and the promise I made to God that day... The lyrics alone don't do it justice, but they do express it like nothing else...

I Live for You - Rachel Lampa

You have spoken in the sunset
You have whispered words of comfort in the wind
You know everything about me
Before my life began,
You held me in Your hand

You have walked these roads before me
You know all the pain a broken heart can bear
Won't You help me now to trust You
Every single day, I'll follow in Your way

I live for You, I live for You
When I think of all your love has done for me
I live for You
Never looking back to what life used to be
I live for You
And everything I ever thought was mine
I'd give it all away to have You in my life

I see You in the crystal waters
And I have felt You in the dark of my despair
You have shown a love unfailing
River running deep
That's welling up in me

I know it's gonna take a sacrifice
I want to see the world through Your eyes
I'll live for You the rest of my life

Before that, we also sang one of my favorite worship songs and it has stuck a place within me that is a bit weak and going through some hard things right now and really needed this confirmation of what I need to do, where my faith is, what matters, and what it is that I stand on.

Stand by everything You said

(I stand on the promises of God's Word for my life. I believe that He is more than able and willing to do everything that His Word says, in and through me)

Stand by the promises we made

(I will honor the commitment I made to God the day I got baptised. I will honor my promise to live for Him with a clean and pure conscience)

Let go of everything I've done

(Yea, I've made my share of mistakes since then, but I will let them go and move on, they do not have a hold on me and will not be repeated)

I'll run into Your open arms

(Because there is nowhere else for me to go. I will not run to a bar to ease my pain with a few shots of Tequila, nor will I run to a club to find comfort in the arms of a hot stranger. Those days are over and there is no going back. There is only one place for me to go now.)

And all I know...

(I've never been more sure of anything else)

I love You more than life...

(Because You ARE my life...)

Tricia made me listen to this last song night. She said I was being too hard on myself... I guess I do that sometimes... These lyrics are powerful though... They def broke through for me :)

Let Me Love You - Third Day

Ever since the world around you shattered
You've been looking everywhere for something more
Sometimes you feel like your life doesn't matter
But it does I tell you it does.

C'mon let Me love you now
C'mon let Me love you
And hold you through the storms
I will keep you safe and warm.
C'mon let Me love you
And kiss away your tears
I will always be here
C'mon let Me love you.

Yesterday you found your heart was broken
And tomorrow doesn't leave much room for hope.
Today you'll find that
My arms are wide open
And My heart, My heart is full of love.

Give up on all the other things
'Cause My love can bring you more
And if you take a chance on Me
I'll give you what you're looking for.

Love II

So here's where it gets personal... We all love and want to be loved on our terms... My love language is Quality Time with Words of Affirmation close behind... So it would make sense then that ignoring me is the worst possible thing you can do. It cuts me like nothing else. Knowing that, I have to be careful to control my natural instinct to withdraw my time, words and attention from the people I feel ignored (unloved) by. The last couple of weeks I've been really challenged by that, and I think I've learned a lot, as well as made a few mistakes, but hey, I'm still learning about this love thing..

When our love, and the way we express it, is rebuffed, how do we react? It's easy to act up, act out, clam up, lash out, or even sell out and put out in an effort to get what we want. What happens when we get hurt, when someone breaks our heart or frustrates us and causes us pain? Do we cut the person out of our life and decide to hate them forever? One of my friends told me that when you get tired of being sick and tired... That we need to perhaps focus on the reasons why it didn't work out, why they are not right for us. So what then, should we write out a list of everything bad about the other person, everything we didn't like about them and stick it on our mirror to be read everyday until we "get over" them? Do we make ourselves hate them in an effort to stop loving them? I don't want to do that...

If that's the case and that's the way we handle feeling unloved, then maybe we didn't really love the other person to begin with... Maybe we just selfishly used them to make ourselves feel good, and when they no longer did, we disposed of the relationship because it was now causing us more pain than pleasure. It's a "normal" response, right? I mean no wonder so many relationships now never reach the altar and even when they do, half of them end in divorce. It's the "I'll love you while you make me feel loved" type of deal now, which has replaced the "For better or worse, till death do us part".

Love is a catalyst for love... Love responds to love... When someone frustrates us, it's natural to want to change them to suit ourselves, but that seldom, if ever, works... Loving them first however, continuing to love them and showing them love in their love language (not yours) even when at first they don't respond, is demonstrating real love. If they let you, that is... But that's a whole different blog...

Love

So last week I finished reading an awesome book about love... I think it was by far one of the best, because it was so practical, hands on, and real... Just like me ;) The name of this fantabulous book is The Five Love Languages for Singles by Gary Chapman, and it was much better than his original one written for married couples, which I also read when it first came out. To put it simply, the book is about how to give and receive love to and from practically anyone and everyone around you. When you think about it, that is pretty stinkin' important considering how many relationships (not necessarily romantic ones) we are all in!!! What has captured me at the very beginning of the book was how the author defined love... Check this out:

"Covenant love is conscious love. It is intentional love. It is a commitment to love no matter what. It requires thought and action. It does not wait for the encouragement of warm emotions but chooses to look out for the interest of the lover because you are committed to the other's well being." p. 29

He went on to explain that the first "obsessive" stage of love (I-wanna-be-with-you-every-waking-moment-because-you-are-always-on-my-mind) usually passes within 2 years and that's when covenant (committed/bonding/a.k.a. marriage) love needs to kick in, in order for the relationship to continue. He also said something else in the beginning which cracked me up, but also made me really sad...

"You have likely invested time to learn the language of computers. If so, you have reaped the benefits. Unfortunately, most single adults know more about computers than they do about love. The reason should be obvious. They have spent more time studying computers than they have studying love. " p. 19

So basically here's the breakdown: There are 5 Love Languages (Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Acts of Service, Gifts, and Physical Touch), and each person has a primary language that they communicate and recognize love by, with a secondary language close behind. The problem arises when someone tries to communicate love to us in their own primary language, which is not our own, leaving us feeling unloved and the other person frustrated because they feel like their language of love is not reciprocated, unacknowledged and unappreciated. And the miscommunication begins... Sad... And totally unnecessary... When we choose to love the other person, we choose to speak their love language, making them feel loved, and therefore having them love us in return... It's a cycle of love... Ok, so maybe not that cheesy, but just go ahead and read the book, I promise you won't be sorry :)

Airports

I picked up my mom from the airport the other day, and as I was waiting for her both in the terminal area as well as baggage claim, I kept seeing families, friends, and loved ones being reunited as they practically ran towards each other, laughing, hugging, kissing, jumping up and down, and doing all sorts of things in their euphoric excitement. It was such an encouraging and joyous sight that I couldn't help but smile and laugh myself.

Sometimes I wonder if that's what heaven will be like... Happy reunions of family, friends and loved ones, all back in each other's arms again, just waiting for each other at the "terminal"... I think it will be just like that... When the only tears that will be cried are tears of joy. I wonder though, if we will miss the absence of other loved ones who won't be there... It hurts too much to think about it though. All I know is, I hope and pray to see everyone I know there and spend an eternity with them.

I remember quite a different sight when I was dropping my mom off 3 weeks before. Saying good bye at a security checkpoint was a young Asian couple; Japanese, I'm guessing. They were clearly very much in love as both was crying uncontrollably. He was leaving, she was staying. It was such a heartbreaking scene... My heart went out to her... I just wanted to embrace her and hold her and comfort her letting her know it was gonna be ok, but I couldn't... I've been to Japan and I know the Japanese culture, particularly how men (very much like Russian men) are not supposed to show emotion, especially tears. So to see this young man cry so hard meant a lot... I really hope that they will be reunited soon, because I can already imagine what a happy reunion that will be...

I hate good byes... with a strong passion. I cry when people die, move, and leave my life in other ways. Maybe because I truly understand the value of a human life and the preciousness of real friendships and love... I can't stand loosing what's important to me... I hate dropping people off at the airports... Love picking them up, but absolutely hate dropping them off... Reunions are far better than good byes...