I Only…

Not everyday… just when certain things happen… I’m perfectly happy with my life as is :) . But every once in a while…

I Only…

I only want to flirt when I know I won’t be rejected.

I only want to date when I like someone.

I only wish I had a boyfriend when I see Les and Drey praying together.

I only want someone to cuddle with when I see Marina and Tolik wrapped up in each other.

I only want to kiss when I buy new lip gloss.

I only want to be married when I witness a tender moment between John and Vita.

I only want to get frisky when I shop at VS.

I only want to have a baby when I hold Mendell.

I only want my own family when I watch Eva, Alex and Kaylan together.

I only feel single when I see all my friends finding their special someone...

Between a Rock and a Hard Place

I can't believe I'm here... This is the kind of stuff you read about in books by famous pastors and preachers, so why am I going through it now? It's been building up for quite a while now and is still not completely resolved, but I think I had some sort of a breakthrough last night at John and Vita's. After talking to them and crying for 3 hours late into the night, I now see oh so clearly how very wrong I was. I screwed up big time and had to be set straight by my pastors which hurt a lot... Pride comes before a fall and I fell... in public... My heart was right, but my attitude and actions were so terribly off... I spoke the truth alright, but there was no love in it. I hurt a lot of people and the damage goes beyond what I can even see right now. I know it will take a lot to repair the damage I've done to myself and to others. There's grace, but there are also consequences...

I'm learning so much right now, but why does it have to be so hard? I know we are just starting out and all of us are such novices, such amateurs, all need so much help, all screw up daily... all so very imperfect and that makes it so hard... We all have our own ideas, opinions, personalities and we all clash... That's inevitable... It's how we handle our differences... That's what's going to make us grow. And I haven't been helping... My attitude straight up sucked... So what if I'm right? So what if I really do have all the answers (which I don't)... What kind of a leader am I if I just go around publicly setting people straight all day and slapping them around if I think they're wrong (even if they are)? What kind of example do I set if I can't submit to and respect my youth leader and publicly rebel against him? Honestly... I don't even know if I'd want me on my team... Probably not... I've hurt and disappointed a lot of people and my guilty conscience wouldn't even let me do the transition last night. Walking out of the service didn't help either. By the time I got to John and Vita's I was a mess... And I still thought I was right!!! I love my pastors so much! I regard their opinion very highly, and I look up to them tremendously. I know they are not perfect either, but it nearly killed me to have them have that talk with me last night. I know they love me, and John was very gentle in telling me the truth, but I still hate the fact that they had to see me like that.

I've goofed up before, but this was the first time others were affected... the church was affected. I know I'm not perfect, but as Tricia always tells me, I have extremely high standards for myself and often have a hard time forgiving myself when I screw up. I know God forgave me for this even 2000 years ago and loves me more than I can ever know. I know John and Vita were never mad at me and still love me just as much. I know my friends love me and forgave me. I just have to love and forgive myself as well... I know God never wastes anything. What the devil meant for evil, God can turn around and use for good. He is a restorer and a redeemer of all things. This will strengthen our youth leadership team, bond my friends and I even closer together and teach me an invaluable lesson on love, grace and true leadership... A righteous man (woman) may fall, but they will ALWAYS get back up and continue to press forward. My God is a God of infinite 2nd chances...Nothing is ever lost with Him :)

Out of My League

This week has been rough... Naturally, after being so inspired and lifted up at the conference, I'm beginning to see and feel things that are trying to bring me down (trying, but not succeeding!). It all started innocently enough with watching a few dance videos and playing a couple of chess games. Comparing yourself to others can hurt you big time, and as those thoughts crept into my mind the sinking feeling of defeat reminded me of my favorite Bible character, David. If anyone ever had a reason to feel out of place, defeated, inadequate and way out of their league, it was David. And I feel like I can relate to David more than ever right now. Salsa and chess aside, this goes pretty deep.

My recent run ins with M left me paralleling our relationship with that of David and Saul. Maybe I'm way off, but I see the parallels in almost every area. Am I out of my league or just plain out of line? The message that was preached last night seemed almost ironic to me... "Who do you think you are?" I'm trying to honor and respect him, to be an example and submit under his authority over me, but every single cell in my body just wants to rise up and take over. Right now, my way of dealing with it is like David's... just stay away.

My mouth gets me in trouble 90% of the time. My philosophy is, speak first, apologize later, and I do a lot of apologizing. It's very humbling, and you'd think I know by now when to keep my mouth shut, but no, I'm still working on it. I will never, however, push my way into something. I'd rather let it go and let God give it to me. When He does though, that's when I'll fight for it. David was a poor little shepherd boy who was promised the kingdom but had to wait to get it. He had to watch another man, Saul, have his way with it for a long time. He had to submit to and serve Saul, and then later stay away from him because even though everyone else loved David, Saul was out to get him because he knew that David was the chosen one.

I know M is not out to get me. I actually know that M has a lot of respect for me and really values me. He tells me how awesome I am all the time... So then why are we still like oil and water? If I hear another person say that we belong together, I don't know what I'll do... It happened at least 3 times this week... Why does the thought of us being together put me in cold sweat begging God for it to please not be true? I think I'm out of my league with M because I don't have all of his "qualifications", but I'm also out of line because of the way I treat him. If I am to be a true David, I need a major attitude adjustment. And as much as I hate to admit it, M is my "prescribed soil" to get me ready for my kingdom...

On the Edge of Life

To be radical is to be extreme. I'm all for living a balanced life, and I believe that as Christians we should be prime examples of that, but "balanced" is by no means an equivalent of "normal", mediocre, or going with the flow. This world wouldn't be what it is if it weren't for some extreme people who thought differently from the rest of the society (both good and bad). The invention of electricity, communication, transportation, abolition of slavery, equal rights, and abortion are all examples of people going against the grain of society. Most things in life are extreme. To take a stand on something, you must choose a side, there's no room in stand in the middle. And if you don't stand for something... well... you'll fall for anything.

Who sets the "norm" these days? Who decides what's acceptable and tolerable, cool, fashionable and "the thing" to do? Yes, I know it's "the society", but sadly, it's only a small part of the society telling the big part what do do, what to wear, how to act and how to live. I don't take advice from Hollywood, MTV or Cosmopolitan magazine. I used to, and learned the hard way that I didn't want to end up like the people who were dishing out this lifestyle. I think I'll pass on the DUI's, the promiscuous relationships, making a drunken fool out of myself, hook ups, breaks ups, heartache, out of wedlock pregnancies and marriages that end in divorces, law suits and custody battles. Are people who live like that really, truly happy? Are they really enjoying life and living it to the fullest? I think not... They must really not realize that by enjoying their life in sporadic moments in time they are destroying it as a whole.

I had an interesting conversation recently with a friend of mine who is looking for a "nice girl with a good heart". I told him that he wasn't going to find her in a bar. I then asked him if he really wanted a girl who got drunk, dirty danced with a bunch of guys and went home with someone whom she just met. He said no, but he'd take a girl who was buzzed, danced with just one guy and didn't go home with anyone. It's the whole idea of doing everything in "moderation" that makes it OK. A little bit of this, a little bit of that, dabble in everything without being committed to anything. Blurring the lines instead of drawing them and living in the grey instead of the clear... What does that say about you? It really is all about "the heart" of the issue. What's your motivation? What drives you to do what you do? Someone asked me why I don't drink. My response was, why should I? My body does not suffer from a lack of alcohol in my bloodstream. It's not even about what you do so much as it is why you do it. It's not about drinking, sex or whatever it is you do, but it is about what drives you to it. What are you trying to fulfill, cover up or satisfy? Tequila is an awful thirst quencher. I think I'll stick with tea :P.

I think that by far the most inspiring thing I saw at the conference was the 2,500+ young people who said, I'm taking a stand, I refuse to conform to the "norm" of the society and live an "in the middle", mediocre, "OK" life. I want the "abundant" live that God has for me. I want to truly live a beautiful life with no regrets, no compromises, knowing who I am, and what my purpose is. It's all or nothing. I'm either all in or all out. I don't want to be like a wave that's blown by the wind in all different directions with every new idea, trend or opinion. I want to know beyond the shadow of any doubt what I believe and why I believe it. I want to be firm, strong, constant and steady, because that's the only foundation you can build on. My life, beliefs, convictions, and values will not be shaken. There are enough people in this world who live ordinary, mediocre lives. Those girls (and guys) are a dime a dozen. They're cheap. I want to be extraordinary, a gem, a diamond, priceless... I want to live on the edge because it's the highest point...

Conference B - The Eruption

It's Friday night and I me and a few of my girls went to CG Conference B to see if there was any way we could get in to this already sold out and packed out session to hear Pastor Benny Perez from Las Vegas (one of my all time favorite speakers). Standing along the wall in the back of the auditorium during incredibly intense worship (the Deluge band is the BEST!), I noticed how all 2,500+ people there were so passionately involved. It wasn't just the young people either. The ages ranged from junior high to high school, to college, to YP (young professionals) to middle aged security and ushers and even some really old people. Yet, every hand was raised, every single person was worshipping, and during the crazy fast songs, everyone was pumped, excited and going nuts (myself included). It was really quite a sight... breathtaking... My favorite thing in the world to see. I mean, what would make a sophisticated college educated young person forget how silly they look and worship God with such passionate abandon, giving it their all, unless they have personally met this God and knew exactly who they were worshipping. Listening to Benny Perez from the last row of the balcony was just was powerful as if we were in the front row. We were shouting and hollering and it was crazy the whole time... I stinkin' love how straight and honest and real he is! I think that very well was the sickest service I've ever been to... It kept going even when I left to take Alex home at midnight.

A lot of people call it hype. Emotions. Kind of like going to a concert and getting caught up in something bigger than yourself with dozens of other people doing the same thing you are. I can see the comparison, but I've never heard anyone say that a concert has changed their life. It's true that the younger kids may get high of the conferences, so it's a good thing that we do not live by conferences and church services alone. It's easy to get hyped up off of the excitement of others around you and just the awesome atmosphere of God's presence, but if that same atmosphere can't be reproduced the next morning when you're alone with God in your room, guess what?! It's not real. Some of my most intimate and personal moments with God didn't happen at a conference or even at a church, prayer or small group meeting. I didn't have the GC band, Image band or the Deluge band playing my favorite worship song. Nope, it was just me and Jesus, either in my room or in my car, with a Hillsong CD, my Bible and my journal. More often than that though, it happens in the morning as I'm getting ready. God loves speaking to me when I'm brushing my teeth... It's almost a joke between us. That's how I get most of my messages... Unless you want to spend the rest of your life traveling from conference to conference, one day you will have to face your relationship with God for what it is... away from the crowds, alone in your secret place.

So what does it come down to really? Why do we do what we do? Why do we live the way we live? I sometimes get asked why I write, why I share so much, why I'm so open. The answer to that is because I can't not do it. I speak because I have something to say. As John the Baptist said, "I'm a voice." It's His life, His word, His message flowing through me... I can't keep it inside. I know that I'm in a position of much influence, that I have the power to reach, touch and affect many lives, as I've already seen happen. I may not have the pulpit every Sunday, Thursday and Friday, and I may only physically speak to maybe 10-15 girls a week, but I want to leave a legacy that will live on long after I'm gone. That's why I'm investing myself in the younger generation, because I want to be remembered as someone who made a real, lasting, significant difference in the lives of others. I know too much to stop now. Even if God never does another thing for me for the rest of my life I will still live for Him because I've already seen too much. I've seen too many miracles, physical healings, too many lives radically changed, too many young people set free from addictions, healed of emotional scars, and transformed in their thinking. I've seen too many people touched by God, too many people encountering Him, heard too many stories and testimonies... It's way too personal for me... I can't live any other way. There's really no turning back. I'd rather die than go back to the life I lived before. I can't image my life without God now... I am truly not the same and I never will be :)

"Count the Stars" CG Conference '08 and Beyond...

Youth conferences are great... The music, the worship, the mosh pits, the energy, the excitement, the lights, the crowds, the sweat, the lifted hands, the unity, the powerful word, the presence, the conviction, the altar time, the tears, the snot, the prayers, the promises, the desperation, the surrender... the change. But is that all?

I was watching a promo video of my first GC Conference from 2 years ago the other day, and it was pretty cool to see myself in it, a true GCer, so eager, so excited, so pumped... I remember that conference very well. I was as involved in it as one could be and it rocked my world... I remember last year's conference too. I was a cool YPer then... too cool for the front, too cool for the mosh pit... It was the beginning of a period of transition from City Church to The Image for me, so I was pretty strained, desperate to hear from God. I remember I got my answer loud and clear... And then there was this year's conference... Going there as a youth leader from a different church felt nice... like a promotion almost... Rubbing shoulders with the famous pastors, being a foot away from Shawn Alexander, and hanging out in the youth pastors lounge was amazing :D I knew I was truly saved when pastors and preachers became my new celebrities :) Going there with my girls (for my girls) gave me a new perspective... All of a sudden I was excited to get my fake star tattoo and jump around in the mosh pit during worship :P And then the message hit. Hard.

Joel Stockstill was mind blowing. It was such a stinking honor to even see/hear him in person, never mind have him right next to me. However, it was Christine Caine who had me on the edge of my seat last night, and then at the altar on my knees. Her message on crossing the street, on cookie cutter Christianity, on people, had my heart burning the entire time her voice resonated. I looked at her and saw myself, listened to her words and heard my own message. There have been very few people in whom I saw the same love and passion for people that I have... Pastor Judah, Pastor John, and now Christine Caine. I'm know others have it too, but these are the only 3 people who have brought me to tears with it. The man I marry MUST have it as well :) I'm going to preach about this again, because I believe that it's the single most important message that Christians need to get into their hearts. If we can't practically share God's love with a person "across the street" then we have officially failed as His representatives. Let's just pack it up and go to heaven, our job here is done.

I'm sick and tired of self absorbed, self centered Christians. I'm sick and tired of cookie cutter Christianity that puts God in a box, limiting Him and what He wants to do. I'm nauseous of messages that focus on God and what He can do for us as Christians, all the while letting the hurt, the broken and the lost people fall through the cracks, slip through our fingers never once experiencing the love of God, the character of God, and the presence of God. I don't want to just be a poster child for Christianity. Yes, I want to save the world, no, I don't think I'm doing enough and if no one else will do it, I will. I don't have a checklist of how many people I share Christ with and how often I do it, it's not about "doing", it's about "being". God can use a donkey if He wanted to, and He has, so it's not even about me feeling good about myself every time God decides to use me. Surrender costs. It costs everything. But at the same time you are also given everything. Everything you could have never gotten on your own.

Today, as I was working out of my boss' house, listening to my Planetshakers, minding my own business, one of his roommates came to sit and work at a desk next to mine. My music was loud enough for him to hear but I hardly even noticed. After a few minutes, he turned to me and asked, "Anna, are you religious or something?" At first I was like, "Huh?" But then I realized he was asking me because of my worship music. So I said, "Well, no, I'm not religious, but yes, I'm a Christian." He responded with, "Well, yea, I hear your music is all about Jesus." So I replied, "Yea, I know, I love Jesus." All this with a completely straight face. I was smiling, but I was completely serious. His response floored me: "Well, it's OK, there's nothing wrong with that." You'd think I just told him I was a stripper or something! After a second of collecting myself I was finally able to reply, "I'm sorry, did I say there was anything wrong with it? I'm actually pretty proud of it." After that we ended up talking about God, religion and Jesus for 2 hours, and this guy's world was turned upside down. Why is it that people consider being a Christian something shameful? Like it needs an apology. Could it be that the church's attitude allows for it? There are so many worship songs that say something like, "I'm not ashamed" and I can't stand them. Why do I even need to be ashamed? I'm not the one doing something wrong. I have clean hands, a pure heart and a clear conscience. I stand blameless in front of God and people. Or at least I should be able to on any given day :) So lets break the mold because we were created in THE IMAGE, called sons and daughters of God, made into a model, a representation of everything He is... and that is NOTHING to be ashamed of. So yea, I will cross the room, cross the street, cross the city, the state, the country, the world... I'll be God's GPS system, rerouting the lost, noticing people and not walking by. Why? Because the love of Christ compels me.

Amor, que es amor?

Over the weekend I received two e-mails from two of my friends letting me know that they were ending/taking a break from their serious (talking marriage) relationships. These are beautiful, amazing, godly young women who were dating wonderful, handsome, godly young men. I thought they had picture perfect examples of model relationships done God's way and I was so happy and excited for them. Their news shocked me and once again, I was grateful to not be in a relationship and have to deal with such emotional pain. And then, as yesterday unfolded, I found myself in a slightly similar situation, having to end the "idea" of a being in a relationship with someone I was already "dating" in my mind.

I'm still such a child sometimes... Still needing Daddy God to rescue me from myself... Still letting my emotions get the best of me... Knowing and not doing... How can the basic principles I teach my girls be so near impossible for me to do myself? I know the answer. I'm still human and I still need grace. I can't do anything without His grace. Without grace, I could have easily said forget it, I'm done, I can't do this anymore, I want to do what I want now, I want to live for myself, I want to do what's natural, what feels good, what I think will make me happy. I could almost see myself walking away from my destiny, throwing it all away, forgetting who I am, who I was created to be. All to pursue... what exactly? A boy? A relationship? Love? A life with someone? Giving up reality to chase an illusion... Do I like him? Yes. But I love God more. I want to fulfill my destiny more than I want to feel good for a temporary moment in time. I know that I know that I know that I would never compromise or "do" anything to step even one inch outside of God's will for my life. His grace keeps me there even when I'm ready to walk away. I can't possibly communicate how grateful I am for that...

"I'm sure there is a great strong Christian guy out there for you!" I hate this line with a passion. I hear it almost daily, especially from John and Vita. It's almost a joke how much they love telling me that.They have such high hopes and expectations for me in that area. It's not that I don't believe it. It's not even a question of "if" it will happen, but if I really want it to now. A few weeks ago John said something in a Sunday message that messed me up. He said that God gave us the power to choose the person we are to spend the rest of our lives with. That inside the person we choose is our "perfect match" and we just have to unwrap them to discover that. There goes that darn "free will" again, that complicates almost everything. If I could choose someone to be with, I could very well want to choose the "wrong" person, especially if he chooses me back... I mean how rarely does it happen when two people choose to be with each other? And how hard is it to just walk away from that... It's almost not fair... why does the person who says and does all the right things, who makes me feel so good have to be so "wrong" for me? I shouldn't say that lately I've been disappointed with some of the Christian guys I know, but I was definitely impressed with how "Christian-like" an "unbeliever" handled this situation. It shocked me to the point of liking him even more for it.

I know that my friends' relationships were not in vain even if they did not have a "happy" ending. They were pure, they were godly and they have taught my friends about themselves, about God, and about love. I suppose I learned a lot too... I believe God definitely had a hand in this and that it was a part of His plan. I may never know the fullness of it but I do know that ALL of it is GOOD :) One of the things I was pleasantly surprised to discover was that my taste in the opposite sex has evolved and matured quite a bit from the pretty boy shallow young model types I used to like. I also discovered that I really can like someone who is not at all like me. And the best discovery was that even though in the end I was sad, I was not hurt... My Daddy protected my heart. He dealt with this in a way that only He could... all in the best interests of His daughter :) And that is why He's the One who will have my heart forever :)