Over the weekend I received two e-mails from two of my friends letting me know that they were ending/taking a break from their serious (talking marriage) relationships. These are beautiful, amazing, godly young women who were dating wonderful, handsome, godly young men. I thought they had picture perfect examples of model relationships done God's way and I was so happy and excited for them. Their news shocked me and once again, I was grateful to not be in a relationship and have to deal with such emotional pain. And then, as yesterday unfolded, I found myself in a slightly similar situation, having to end the "idea" of a being in a relationship with someone I was already "dating" in my mind.
I'm still such a child sometimes... Still needing Daddy God to rescue me from myself... Still letting my emotions get the best of me... Knowing and not doing... How can the basic principles I teach my girls be so near impossible for me to do myself? I know the answer. I'm still human and I still need grace. I can't do anything without His grace. Without grace, I could have easily said forget it, I'm done, I can't do this anymore, I want to do what I want now, I want to live for myself, I want to do what's natural, what feels good, what I think will make me happy. I could almost see myself walking away from my destiny, throwing it all away, forgetting who I am, who I was created to be. All to pursue... what exactly? A boy? A relationship? Love? A life with someone? Giving up reality to chase an illusion... Do I like him? Yes. But I love God more. I want to fulfill my destiny more than I want to feel good for a temporary moment in time. I know that I know that I know that I would never compromise or "do" anything to step even one inch outside of God's will for my life. His grace keeps me there even when I'm ready to walk away. I can't possibly communicate how grateful I am for that...
"I'm sure there is a great strong Christian guy out there for you!" I hate this line with a passion. I hear it almost daily, especially from John and Vita. It's almost a joke how much they love telling me that.They have such high hopes and expectations for me in that area. It's not that I don't believe it. It's not even a question of "if" it will happen, but if I really want it to now. A few weeks ago John said something in a Sunday message that messed me up. He said that God gave us the power to choose the person we are to spend the rest of our lives with. That inside the person we choose is our "perfect match" and we just have to unwrap them to discover that. There goes that darn "free will" again, that complicates almost everything. If I could choose someone to be with, I could very well want to choose the "wrong" person, especially if he chooses me back... I mean how rarely does it happen when two people choose to be with each other? And how hard is it to just walk away from that... It's almost not fair... why does the person who says and does all the right things, who makes me feel so good have to be so "wrong" for me? I shouldn't say that lately I've been disappointed with some of the Christian guys I know, but I was definitely impressed with how "Christian-like" an "unbeliever" handled this situation. It shocked me to the point of liking him even more for it.
I know that my friends' relationships were not in vain even if they did not have a "happy" ending. They were pure, they were godly and they have taught my friends about themselves, about God, and about love. I suppose I learned a lot too... I believe God definitely had a hand in this and that it was a part of His plan. I may never know the fullness of it but I do know that ALL of it is GOOD :) One of the things I was pleasantly surprised to discover was that my taste in the opposite sex has evolved and matured quite a bit from the pretty boy shallow young model types I used to like. I also discovered that I really can like someone who is not at all like me. And the best discovery was that even though in the end I was sad, I was not hurt... My Daddy protected my heart. He dealt with this in a way that only He could... all in the best interests of His daughter :) And that is why He's the One who will have my heart forever :)
I'm still such a child sometimes... Still needing Daddy God to rescue me from myself... Still letting my emotions get the best of me... Knowing and not doing... How can the basic principles I teach my girls be so near impossible for me to do myself? I know the answer. I'm still human and I still need grace. I can't do anything without His grace. Without grace, I could have easily said forget it, I'm done, I can't do this anymore, I want to do what I want now, I want to live for myself, I want to do what's natural, what feels good, what I think will make me happy. I could almost see myself walking away from my destiny, throwing it all away, forgetting who I am, who I was created to be. All to pursue... what exactly? A boy? A relationship? Love? A life with someone? Giving up reality to chase an illusion... Do I like him? Yes. But I love God more. I want to fulfill my destiny more than I want to feel good for a temporary moment in time. I know that I know that I know that I would never compromise or "do" anything to step even one inch outside of God's will for my life. His grace keeps me there even when I'm ready to walk away. I can't possibly communicate how grateful I am for that...
"I'm sure there is a great strong Christian guy out there for you!" I hate this line with a passion. I hear it almost daily, especially from John and Vita. It's almost a joke how much they love telling me that.They have such high hopes and expectations for me in that area. It's not that I don't believe it. It's not even a question of "if" it will happen, but if I really want it to now. A few weeks ago John said something in a Sunday message that messed me up. He said that God gave us the power to choose the person we are to spend the rest of our lives with. That inside the person we choose is our "perfect match" and we just have to unwrap them to discover that. There goes that darn "free will" again, that complicates almost everything. If I could choose someone to be with, I could very well want to choose the "wrong" person, especially if he chooses me back... I mean how rarely does it happen when two people choose to be with each other? And how hard is it to just walk away from that... It's almost not fair... why does the person who says and does all the right things, who makes me feel so good have to be so "wrong" for me? I shouldn't say that lately I've been disappointed with some of the Christian guys I know, but I was definitely impressed with how "Christian-like" an "unbeliever" handled this situation. It shocked me to the point of liking him even more for it.
I know that my friends' relationships were not in vain even if they did not have a "happy" ending. They were pure, they were godly and they have taught my friends about themselves, about God, and about love. I suppose I learned a lot too... I believe God definitely had a hand in this and that it was a part of His plan. I may never know the fullness of it but I do know that ALL of it is GOOD :) One of the things I was pleasantly surprised to discover was that my taste in the opposite sex has evolved and matured quite a bit from the pretty boy shallow young model types I used to like. I also discovered that I really can like someone who is not at all like me. And the best discovery was that even though in the end I was sad, I was not hurt... My Daddy protected my heart. He dealt with this in a way that only He could... all in the best interests of His daughter :) And that is why He's the One who will have my heart forever :)
2 comments:
Some things that kept getting hammered in me at conference:
Count the cost - Proverbs 4:5-8 NIV
Get wisdom, get understanding; do not forget my words or swerve from them. Do not forsake wisdom, and she will protect you; love her, and she will watch over you. Wisdom is supreme; therefore get wisdom. Though it cost all you have, get understanding. Esteem her, and she will exalt you; embrace her, and she will honor you.
Work out your faith with fear and trembling - Philippians 2:12 - 16 NKJV
Therefore, my beloved, as you have always obeyed, not as in my presence only, but now much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling; for it is God who works in you both to will and to do for His good pleasure. Do all things without complaining and disputing, that you may become blameless and harmless, children of God without fault in the midst of a crooked and perverse generation, among whom you shine as lights in the world, holding fast the word of life, so that I may rejoice in the day of Christ that I have not run in vain or labored in vain.
Fight the Good Fight - 1 Timothy 6:11-12 NLT
But you, Timothy, belong to God; so run from all these evil things, and follow what is right and good. Pursue a godly life, along with faith, love, perseverance, and gentleness. Fight the good fight for what we believe. Hold tightly to the eternal life that God has given you, which you have confessed so well before many witnesses.
1 Corinthians 9:24-27 NLT
Remember that in a race everyone runs, but only one person gets the prize. You also must run in such a way that you will win. All athletes practice strict self-control. They do it to win a prize that will fade away, but we do it for an eternal prize. So I run straight to the goal with purpose in every step. I am not like a boxer who misses his punches. I discipline my body like an athlete, training it to do what it should. Otherwise, I fear that after preaching to others I myself might be disqualified.
I know what you're going though, I've been there over a girl before. If anyone ever said being a Christian is easy, they didn't fully understand.
Thanks for sharing! btw I would have titled this "What is love? baby don't hurt me" K maybe not... i listen to too much Techno.
Haha yea you do :P! Those are pretty sick verses, thanks! I love:
"Though it cost all you have, get understanding."
"among whom you shine as lights in the world,"
"which you have confessed so well before many witnesses."
"I fear that after preaching to others I myself might be disqualified."
I know, the conference was intense, one of my favorite things that Joel Stockstill said was, "My every breath condemns him." So sad but so true, I can def say that about some ppl :(
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