2009 Review

Looking back at 2009, I can honestly say that it's been a good year :) If I had to theme it, I would say it was a year of clarity... Here are some highlights (in no particular order of time or importance):

*Perfecting the art/gift of networking, socializing, and friendship/relationship building :P

*Learning to let go and having it hurt less and less... Or maybe just learning to hold things more loosely...

*The start up of Beautiful Feet and the Seattle Salseras Sisterhood

*Eurotrip to visit Ulu in London and my 24 hour Paris adventure ;)

*Making peace with salsa and understanding my place/purpose of being there

*Getting my pastors' blessing for BF and dancing

*The 40 day fast... Learning about self control, grace, forgiveness and love :)

*My snowboarding injury and speedy recovery :) As well as my 2nd degree burn and a SUPERNATURAL speedy recovery :) - NOTHING can keep me off the dance floor ;)

*Finally taking dance classes: tango (didn't last long) and salsa (I'm gettin' GOOD...)

*Placing 3rd in my first salsa competition :) and going to my first salsa congress!!!

*Friends... New ones, old ones... Real ones :)

*My Hawaii vacation!

*Getting my TEFL certification!!!

*Preaching at a girls' encounter retreat

*A new car!

*My friend Justin's passing... I've never had someone close to me die before and this has completely blindsided me... I'm sorry to all who've had to put up with me during these last 2 weeks :(

Most importantly, this past year has made me realize that I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be, doing exactly what I'm supposed to be doing. It has brought unquestionable and undeniable clarity to the call God has placed on my life as well as the gifts and talents He has given me to fulfill it... His protection over me is incredible... Sometimes I feel like I'm literally in a bubble of His grace... He's got me :)

A New Year's resolution? Just one... Never go to bed upset at anyone/anything. I want to resolve all conflict before the day's end... Even if it is at 3am :P Inspired by Ephesians 4:26 - "Be angry without sinning. Don't go to bed angry."

Goals for 2010? Well... I think I'm just gonna keep doing what I'm already doing... Dancing, church, friends, BF, SSS... I'm excited for progress, growth and development in each of these areas :) I want to see LOTS of fruit! 2010 will also be my year of salsa congresses ;) hehe

Mourning a friend...

Justin Key was the reason I could say "Yes!" whenever people would ask me if I actually knew anyone who was a great salsa dancer AND an amazing Christian leader. With ridiculously good looks, a huge heart, an intellectual mind, and a witty sense of humor, he was my wild card, the "perfect guy"... The "complete package"... Everything any girl could want... Oh, and did I mention that he was also a great friend?

When Surekha called me yesterday with the news of his sudden death, I flat out didn't believe her. Justin? No way, he was just here for Thanksgiving and I was supposed to go see the Nutcracker with him and his family, but I didn't... We talked on the phone and decided it was no big deal because we'll see each other over Christmas break when we'd have more time to hang out and go salsa dancing together.

Justin was the second person I met when I started dancing 3 years ago. Mike was the first, and he is the one who brought me to Century and introduced me to Justin. From then on, Justin literally watched me go from a "horrible beginner" to a "blossoming intermediate". The next time we danced, I was planning on impressing him with an "amateur advanced"... I remember texting him and begging him to come to HaLo with me on Mondays to practice... He took classes and I didn't, so I thought that by dancing with him, I would be learning the same thing he was... He assured me it wasn't the same...

I remember him paying my cover at Century when I couldn't... I remember meeting at Triple Door with our "crew"... I remember the hugs, the affection, the stories, the jokes... Haha, I remember our accidental "kiss" on the dance floor! I remember getting frustrated because I couldn't follow him, and elated when we would have smooth, flawlessly flowing dances that would leave me thinking I was finally "good"...

I remember texting him and making him promise me he would stay at Century until I got there (he liked to leave early, by 10:30pm - gosh, he was so responsible...). I remember running into him on the stairs, him having his coat on and being all ready to go, and me making him take it off so that we could have a dance before he left... I remember being invited to all his parties... and only making it to his birthday one... I remember being the only friend who could make it to one of his Toastmasters events and how happy he was to see me...

The last time I saw him, we went on a hike, got a pizza and watched Iron Man at his parent's house (they weren't there). He made me try whiskey. I spat it out. He was just getting ready to embark on his South American adventure and then grad school... I was starting to pack for Hawaii... We talked about our visions and plans, life and what we want out of it... We talked about church, God, and how much we love Him... We discussed C.S. Lewis' Till We Have Faces because both of us have borrowed it from Tembi... I remember thinking, Wow, this guy is going to make a great husband and an amazing father one day... Deep down (like many others, I'm sure) I was even entertaining the thought of being the lucky girl...

I didn't make it to his going away party... We texted, facebooked, and google chatted occasionally. When he randomly called me a month before Thanksgiving to ask me to be his "date" for The Nutcracker, I was excited over the opportunity to reconnect... When the time arrived however, we mutually decided to postpone it 'till Christmas... And now it was been postponed 'till heaven...

Yes, I'm sad, and yes, I've cried. I'm sad for his family and I'm sad for his friends, myself included... I will miss him... I regret taking him for granted, thinking that he'd always be there, that we'd have more time, more dances, more hugs, more conversations, that I would see him again...

And I know I will see him again... I know Justin was a solid man of God who loved Jesus and lived for Him... I know Justin is in heaven right now, and I know him and I will salsa dance there when we meet again :) Meanwhile, I will miss him...

Life is fragile... Life is temporary... Our time here is fleeting... I'm grateful that Justin and I, as well as a lot of our friends, know Jesus... Because of Him, we can have peace, comfort, strength and even joy during this time... I know Justin is rejoicing in heaven right now, and I am happy for him...

Meanwhile, I'm still here... Loving each person God placed in my life. Loving them recklessly and with abandon. Not taking anyone for granted... Wearing my heart on my sleeve, being vulnerable and making sure they know I love them...

Following Before Styling

Following: Doing what you're directed to do. Styling: Doing your own thing. Following: it takes 2. Styling: a solo act.

When I first started salsa dancing, I had no idea what "styling" was. I was too busy and focused on trying to follow my partner that the idea of doing some extra moves on the side didn't even occur to me. Fast forward a couple of years, and thanks to a few of Becka's workshops, I was beginning to incorporate some hand, foot and head work into my dance. As I got more and more comfortable, I started picking up more and more styling techniques from my other favorite follows, such as Julia and Juliet, as well. Naturally, I thought this made me a good dancer. So imagine my shock and surprise when after my first dance with one of the Seattle salsa "legends", I was told (by him) that I styled too much and needed to follow more. WHAT?! Are you kidding me?! You want me to go back to just following? Go back to "the basics"? Yes. Because apparently that's what makes a great dancer.

What does a lead want from a follow? I can't say I know it all, but I do know that responsiveness and cooperation are definitely on the list. Having your hand there when he needs it for the next move, moving your arm out of the way so he can bring you in, keeping your elbows in so you don't hit him, shoulders down so he can spin you, etc. It's the whole "working together" thing that makes the dance work (and make you look good!). Sometimes it takes a little sacrifice on the follow's part to show off a little less and cooperate a little more. However, there is a time to shine and style and make yourself look good :) When your partner's hands are off of you :P Ok, so not only then, but when the time is right, when your lead "allows" you to do so...

Who do we style for anyway? Is it for ourselves, to make us feel good about our dancing? Just knowing that we can do it... Or for our partner, so that he'd realize how hot of a dancer you are? What if he's too focused on himself to even notice? Or is it for the crowd, to put on a show and get asked for more dances by the "good" leads who are watching? Sometimes just the pressure of being watched is enough to make us do stuff we wouldn't normally do... I suppose it's a combination of the 3...

So how does that translate into our walk/dance with God? Should we be "following" more than we are "styling"? In a true partnership, it takes 2 people working together towards a common goal. So when He "leads" us to do something, how often do we say, "Ok, Lord, yea, I'll do that, but then I'm just gonna this and this here for myself as well, while I'm at it." And sometimes it's ok... He didn't create us to be robots, for crying out loud! But other times, when we get too self absorbed in doing our own thing for ourselves, we may miss seeing His hand trying to lead us into the next move He has for us... Sometimes our "styling" can not only cause us to miss His hand, but also to get in the way of Him trying to bring us in closer, and in other ways, cause more harm than good.

So then how do you know when it's ok to style and when it's not? Well, by principle alone, be a follow first. Always be aware of where your lead's hands are and what he's doing. If he wants your hand, give it to him! If not, feel free to style away... In choreographed routines, styling is already worked into the dance... But our life, and social dancing, are not choreographed, so we just have to be extra sensitive to the promptings of the lead... So remember girls (and boys), follow first and style on your own time ;-P!

Leading by Following

While editing a friend's grad school essay, I came upon what I thought was a profound statement:

"On the hardwood moving to music, the feel of a natural connection is distinct, immediate, and unforgettable. It is a palpable attraction, but not of love, lust, or social rapport. It is a natural ease in communication between a follow and lead’s (in social dance men are generally called leads and women follows) bodies to music.

Dancing salsa for nearly nine years, my lead style is highly personal and rhythmically unusual. Follows with whom I share a natural connection are a scant few. The rest of a given nights’ dances require patience, sensitivity to a follow’s specific pattern and rhythm of movement, adjustment to hand and body pressure, and an alteration of my own preferred style. Great leads follow nearly as much as great follows lead. The goal is communication, never coercion."

Immediately, it brought me back to another profound statement I heard in this amazing message: "Grace (Jesus) leads by following." In the great picture of a shepherd leading his flock, what you cannot always tell, is that the shepherd leads the sheep by following them... Walking behind them, not in front of them, so that he can see when they go astray, get into trouble and get hurt. He's behind them so he can follow them into all the pits and ditches that they manage to get themselves into, follow them down the wrong turns, paths, and roads so he can rescue them and direct them where he wants them to go with his voice, staff and rod. All from behind...

God's grace is amazing... And Jesus being the personification of that grace is not just some "light at the end of the tunnel" that we're supposed to follow. He follows us... His love follows us when we get diverted, distracted, tired, stubborn, disobedient and hurt... He follows us when we can't follow Him... When we make the wrong choice, go down the wrong road, and end up in the wrong ditch. He follows us, sees us, protects us, rescues us, and leads us by directing us back onto the "right" path with His voice and His hands. That's grace... It's not about judgement or force... It's about understanding and adjustment. God's Word doesn't adjust, but His methods in dealing with us do... It's not about lowering the bar... It's about working with us until we can reach it, about lifting us up until we reach it...It's about saying, "I know you're not there yet, but it's ok, 'cuz I'm not leaving you until you are. I'm gonna stick with you and help you until you are."

As I look at my life, I see many moments in my walk/dance with God when I was being a less than perfect "follow". What I value and appreciate so much now, is that He didn't just keep "leading" when He knew I wasn't able to follow... He stuck close to me and followed me...

Which is another reason why I can't wait to dance salsa with Jesus in heaven :P Because He IS the PERFECT lead :D!

The "Dark" Side

I love music. I love dancing. I love salsa. There's little (besides Jesus) that can make me as exhilarated as being able to flawlessly follow someone who is a "great lead". The steps, the turns, the spins, the tricks, the styling, the shines, the footwork, and of course my favorite, the dips, make salsa dancing not only a fantastic workout, but also a thrilling passion that I'm planning to enjoy my whole life :) For the first couple of years I've tended to brush off salsa as "just a hobby", but in this past year, I've really come to love and appreciate it as much more than that... All the wonderful friendships I've made there have really transformed "the scene" into a community that has been teaching me concepts beyond the basic steps and techniques of dancing. What started out as a selfish enjoyment has outgrown the box I tried to put it in and developed a life of its own :P.

All that being said, I've progressed a lot in salsa in the last few months! Got 3 more pairs of shoes, started taking lessons, placed 3rd in my first competition and finally made it to my first congress! The Seattle Salsa Congress was absolutely awesome... Not only was it the best workout of my life, but I seriously think it was the best I've ever danced. Yet ;) So yea, I had a great time dancing 'till 4 am with the hottest superstars, both visiting and local, and am now officially hooked :P I must say it was a pretty sweet experience...

Bittersweet actually. The bitterness came from seeing a dark side of salsa that I knew existed before, but was never so harshly exposed until this weekend. And all the events leading up to it... I know I've already written about how some guys pick up girls at salsa and about how some girls pick up guys at salsa, so I won't go there again. Where I will go though, is how the last 2 months or so (last weekend being the grand finale) have brought me back to my days of being a young (and stupid) club hopping college student. As embarrassed as I am to admit it, those were the days of me "pre-gaming" in my friends' dorm rooms, going down to the club where the bouncer, bartender and DJ knew me by name, and making it my mission for the night to get the hottest guy with the best dance moves on floor to buy me a drink/ask for my number/hook up with me. Unfortunately, I usually succeeded in at least 2 out of the 3. I knew what it took to succeed: dress scandalously, flirt shamelessly, dance dramatically. Back then, I was naive enough to think that they actually liked me, but now I know that were driven purely by testosterone. And alcohol (as was I). There's always that element of "alcohol enhanced" behavior... Brad Paisley even wrote a song about it. It just makes you do things in the afterhours of the night that you would never dream about doing in broad daylight (for the most part, with good reason). Why? Because when you're drunk, or even buzzed, you just don't care. You're so focused on "feeling good" that any thought of any consequences just seems so foreign and removed that well... things happen.

Anyway, the way all of this ties in with the "dark" side of salsa is that over the last couple of months, I've been seeing more and more of that "college club type" behavior on and off the dance floor. Or maybe it's always been there and I just haven't noticed because I've never been involved and it has never touched me. Up until now... I've been "saved" from that lifestyle for over 4 years now (thank You, Jesus!) and have vowed never to go back. Still, in my heart I'm a dancer, and have found salsa to be "an alternative" of the sort. It just seemed more "grown up", more sophisticated, more structured, more in "good taste" and overall "cleaner". And so I embraced it fully. For the most part, salsa dancers don't really drink - the dance demands too much focus and attention to be staggering around drunk. However, there are always exceptions. Special events such as festivals and congresses, especially ones that involve travel and overnight stays in hotels just beg for trouble and promiscuity... I mean, come on, here you are, away from home and your significant other (if you have one), on a "vacation" so to speak, surrounded by all these "sexy" people, who are all "single" (or at least acting like they are), the dance floor is heating up and guess what? The dark privacy of your (or their) hotel room is just a short elevator ride away...

For my first salsa congress, this has been an interesting experience starting from the pre-congress party. It was quite amusing actually, all these hot shots trying to get a "feel" on me, telling me how "sexy" I am and how I should "afterparty" with them. They're "all that" and they know it, and there's nothing worse... I, personally, don't consider "sexy" to be a compliment. Because it has the word "sex" in it, it denotes that you see me as nothing more than a sex object, which is quite degrading, really. So yea... the dance floor was quite a sight these last 4 nights... You could literally see the line being drawn between "the light" and "the dark"... On one side, people having pure, clean, innocent fun just enjoying the dance and each other's company, and on the other, consumption of drinks after drinks, showing off, getting "down and dirty" and "evaluating" whose room to spend the night in. So much pretense, so much superficiality, so much "performance"... Which made me a bit sad in a way, because it has cast a shadow over something which I dearly love and enjoy. Yes, I thought these guys were amazing dancers and yes, I totally wanted to dance with them, talk to them, get to know them and hang out with them... But... BTW, I'm only referring to like 3% of the guys there, everyone else I met were actually super cool :).

And so I'm grateful for the Seattle salsa scene... I might have had a few run ins with some "players", but for the most part, the scene is small enough to force everyone to "keep it real." At least on the home turf...

Moral of the story: I know I can't speak for everyone, but generally, girls don't like to be "objectified" as sex objects based on how we look, dance or even speak. Nobody wants to be a fling, a one night stand, a mistake, and/or an "out of town" hook up. Sure, it's all fun and games at first, but how good will you really feel about yourself the next day knowing that you just "prostituted" your body in exchange for that momentary emotional and physiological high... Girls, you're worth way more than that... Don't let some hot shot guy use his powers of dance, touch and whispered sweet nothings (which literally mean nothing) in your ear melt your heart and cause you to surrender your body. Don't cross over to "the dark side"! :P

Thankful

So it's the day before Thanksgiving and I just can't seem to grasp the holiday spirit... And I don't like it because this is my absolute favorite holiday (yes, it has everything to do with the food :P)! So in an attempt to stir things up, I thought I'd list all the things I'm thankful for... In no particular order:

* My job. Enough said, really...

* Favor - with God and people :)

* Grace - I wouldn't be alive right now without it. And protection too... Mostly from myself lol.

* My pastors - "my parents" :) and my church - "my family"!

* Music, dance, and salsa :) And Century Ballroom :D

* Beautiful Feet :) - community defined!

* Old friends - Tricia, Emily, Ulu, Tembi: they know me in and out and still love me :)

* New friends - and the exciting possibilities these friendships bring :P

* The gifts God has given me - I'm thankful for being "me" :)

* Holy Spirit - the reason I can be "me" :)

* Hope... faith and love too :) And Jesus, 'cuz He is the source of all 3 :)

* Family... Just having one... Granted it's not perfect, but at least it's there :)

I'm blessed... Truly blessed... Inside and out... More than I deserve... Thank You...

Keeping the Beat

Last night at See Sound I came to a humbling realization... I still tend to freeze up on rare occasions when I have no clue what my partner is doing. Luckily for me, it was quickly followed by another, happier realization - I'm actually really good at getting back on beat even when I momentarily do get off of it.

Which got me thinking... I've already written a blog about the importance of sticking to the basics when one messes up, but what about sticking to the beat? In salsa, the beat of the music is everything. It's what "makes" a particular dance. Salsa, Cha-cha, Bachata and Merengue each have their own unique beat that enables the dancers to dance it a certain way. The beat is the rhythm, the heart, the soul and the life of a particular song... Lose it, and you might as well get off the floor and take a seat, because you're done... Everything done outside of the beat may look great, but deep down, you KNOW you're off and your dance won't last. Off beat leads and off beat follows just don't make for a good dance... They are clashing with the music, with themselves, with each other and occasionally even with other dancers.

Which got me thinking even more... What is the beat of our dance with God? Or more importantly, what is the beat of His song? If you've spent any amount of time in His presence, you know the answer... God's heartbeat is love... Love for people. Are we on the same beat in our dance (walk) with Him? When we get off the beat, how quickly do we realize it and get back on?

I love how God speaks to me... On Saturday I knew that I was off of His beat, but it was Sunday when He communicated that to me through dance... I love these parallels :) And I love Him... His song and His beat... Jesus, please help me to be just as quick in recognizing when I'm off Your beat as when I realize that I'm off beat on the dance floor. And please help me be even quicker in getting back on ;)

EuroTrip and TravelBug

Yes, I realize that my trip to Europe happened about a month ago, but I just couldn't bring myself to write about it until now. Maybe because I've been too busy plotting to go back. Unfortunately, now I realize that aside from vacations, my new dream of living in the UK for a year (or two) won't be coming to pass this year. Or maybe for a couple of more years... We'll see. Either way, it's something worth waiting for :)

So yea... Europe... London and Paris in particular... WOW... I mean what is there to say, really? It's EUROPE! A whole different world... A step back into history and yet a step forward in so much more. I was in awe, swept off my feet, romanced, charmed and enthralled by my time there. But let's talk about London and Paris separately, since it wouldn't be fair to treat them the same when they are so intricately different (and so were my experiences there).


London




I want to live there. I could live there. Easily. Besides the fact that I was speaking fluent British (which is a whole different language in itself) by Day 3 and that there's a Starbucks on every corner, I felt so comfortable and so at home on its streets, on the Tube, and on the buses. I absolutely loved all of the different neighborhoods, stations, parks and buildings. Especially the buildings! As a history junkie, I was in heaven just looking at all these magnificent buildings, museums and churches, touching their walls and imagining the history behind them. I felt like I was in a movie. Or in a book. Like I've literally been taken back though time to the days when horse drawn carriages roamed these cobblestone streets and men in black trench coats and top hats walked around town conducting politics. Very romantic. London is gorgeous, but not in a pretty, flowery kind of way. Its beauty resides in a more sophisticated, almost masculine, strong and arrogant aura. It knows what it has and it's proud of it. The two building that have particularly captured my heart were the Parliament building (Big Ben) and the Shakespeare's Globe Theatre. I couldn't get enough of them, taking pictures from every possible angle and staring at them long enough to assure that their image would be forever imprinted in my memory.

Another reason I enjoyed London so much was the culture, the diversity, the hustle and bustle of a busy urban town that had anything and everything and then some. I loved Hillsong London. I loved their love for this city and its people. I loved their "modern" approach of reconciling "the culture" to "the church". I loved the salsa scene. I loved the liveliness of the streets at night, the easily accessible and available public transportation. I loved the shopping, the many restaurants, shows and art... It was "my" kind of town...


Paris




Now, I cannot talk about my whirlwind 24 hour trip to Paris without talking about "the boy". Let's call him A. I met A on the Eurostar train from London to Paris and he was literally an answer to a prayer. The prayer that was really an anguished cry for help, "God, please send me someone to enjoy Paris with!" I mean, it's Paris, who in their right mind would want to be there all alone? I actually almost didn't go to Paris because I was too anxious about not (really) speaking French, finding my way around by myself and staying at a hostel for the first time in my life. As always, God came through above and beyond all expectations. A and I had seats next to each other on the train and he started talking to me, commenting on my "Guide to Paris" and the C.S. Lewis vs. Freud book I was reading (he was also a Christian interested in theology!). He, himself, was reading two scientific magazines, one in English, one in French. Oh, and I did I mention he was cute and spoke British with a French accent? Yea... Anyway, to make a long story short (and it is a long story, believe me), he became my knight in shining armor and we ended up hanging out in Paris (under/at/in/by the Eiffel Tower) that night, holding hands, walking along the river, talking, and getting to know each other. It was a pretty perfect night of pure and innocent romance, which I wasn't really looking for and didn't necessarily want, but it was still nice. And that was it. He expressed his wishes to see me again someday after this, and I told him he will, but there was some miscommunication in the exchange of information (I think) and we haven't been in touch since.

I spent the next day exploring Paris on my own... Notre Dame, The Louvre, Champs Elysées & Arc de Triomphe and everything else in between... It was a hot sunny day and I did manage to get lost a few times, but it all worth it... I even got to have my little "French cafe lunch people watching" experience and drank in all the memories as photogenically as I could. Overall, I was overwhelmed by all the sights, smells and just the sheer volume of people everywhere speaking all different languages. It was unreal being there, in PARIS, for such a short time, trying to take in so much so quickly and not really getting to reflect on it. I loved it, but couldn't wait to get on the train back to London, which felt super cozy, safe and familiar at that point.


TravelBug


So I've been a bit restless since I got back... I can hear Europe calling my name daily... The fact that I actually have friends living there in about 3 different countries (UK, Spain, and soon Italy)doesn't help either. And so I'm planning my future vacations... Maybe I'll run into A again... Then again, maybe not. I know my life and my future are in God's hands... He is SO in control! And that gives me a peace of mind in the midst of my conflicting desires... Stay here or live abroad? I want to travel, I want to explore, I want to be free to experience the fullness of God's creation... There's so much I haven't seen yet... So how do I do it all? A little bit at a time... :)

Free to Dance!

It. Is. FINISHED!!! My 40 day sabattical, that is :). For those of you who are still not quite sure of the What? When? Why? deal, here's a quick recap: a few months ago my priorities were out of wack: heart in the wrong place, thoughts scattered all over, body physically exhausted, purity and destiny on the verge of compromise. A sad place to be, I know. What started out as good clean fun was quickly turning into not so good, not very clean, and definitely not fun. I was losing my joy, my peace, my purpose, "myself" essentially... And it sucked. So I talked to a couple of mentors and decided to make some changes. Start with the woman in the mirror, per se.

DrawingClearLines came as a result. It felt good to take a stand, but my "relief" was short lived as three of my closest friends misunderstood my intentions and proceeded to stop being friends with me in response. That same weekend, my pastor asked me to take a 40 day fast from the dance scene, because she knew it played a big role in my frustration. Needless to say it was tough to say yes to that. Dancing has become my everything. But it wasn't even the "dancing"... Dancing in itself wasn't an issue. My pastors have always been very supportive of my passion for dance. What they weren't supportive of is it taking over my thoughts, emotions, and my "life" in terms of priorities, morals, values and standards. Taking this step of obedience (to God speaking through my pastor) felt like jumping off a cliff because I had no idea what would happen. On one hand, hiding out sounded good, but I knew this wasn't what this fast was supposed to be about. And so here I was, ostracized by my old "crew" and about to isolate myself even further by going on a 40 day sabbatical from an entire lifestyle that I've been keeping up for the past six months. I was apprehensive to say the least.

God is faithful. So very faithful... Even when we are faithless, He remains faithful. As soon as I made a decision to trust God and go through with the fast, peace flooded my heart and mind. The searing pain I felt over my friends' rejection was eased by hope in God's promise that ALL things were going to work out for my good and His glory... The most miraculous part was Beautiful Feet... These girls were sheer gifts to me, and even though two of them are no longer physically here, our bond of "sisterhood" is strong enough to carry love and support over thousands of miles :) I am in awe of how God provided what I needed in light of Him taking away what I didn't... Oh, how He loves me :)

So while I hate being an example of what not to do, I can deal with it knowing that through repentance and pruning, comes fruitfulness :) SlowHealing is a piece of that fruit. Written half way through the fast, it highlights some of the insights I've been reflecting on. Other miraculous fruits include the Hawaii resolution, TEFL course, my (upcoming) trip to London/Paris, my new administrative position at the church, nearly tripling my IG (the group of girls I mentor), fun wedding road trip, reconnecting with old friends and "rediscovering" myself :)

This video is how I truly feel right now... FREE! My joy is back :) Makes me want to run, fly and soar... Or just jump around and DANCE!

Slow Healing

I'm just about half way through my 40 days, and it's nice... I'm pretty much settled into the "new" routines, "new" bedtimes (lol) and "new" surroundings. In fact, I like being in this "bubble" so much, that I'm considering doing 40 more days! Ok, fine, I wont :P It does feel good to be nurtured, strengthened, refreshed, recharged and healed and restored though :) Even though I already feel 200% better, I don't want to cut my regiment short. It's too good! I'm getting too much out of it :) Here's what's been on my mind thus far:

*You can only rebuild that which has already been broken. It's the whole potter/clay analogy... Mold me, shape me, form me...

*I value grace when I recognize it being given to me by God. But I value it so much more now that I realize how much I need it from people as well.

*Damage can be done instantaneously. A misinterpreted word, look or touch (or lack thereof altogether) can often be enough to cause damage equivalent to a gunshot wound (through the heart).

*Some time ago, I fell for the first time while rollerblading at Greenlake. As my knee made contact with the road, the bloody mess appeared right away, while the pain didn't. Still, I played it tough, got up, brushed myself off and rollerbladed the rest of the way back even as blood was trickling down my leg. In fact, I didn't feel any pain or even realize the extent of the damage until I tried to clean it up later. While cleaning up was necessary, ironically, it was also the most painful.

*Soul wounds are parallel to physical wounds, and can fester with infections of anger, bitterness and resentment. They need to be treated with an anti-bacterial ointment (God's love poured into our hearts via the Word of God a.k.a. the Bible).

*Scabs are tricky... You never want to remove them prematurely for the risk of having to go through the healing process all over again. Let them fall off naturally and on their own, even if it does take more time... While it may be fun to test and push the boundaries, the additional pain resulting from that is not worth it.

*I think scars are there to be a testimony, a constant reminder of what happened and a warning to not let it happen again.

*It's not what you do, or what is done to you that matters. It's how you respond in the aftermath. We can't control the actions of others, and sometimes even our own actions get misinterpreted or are just plain wrong altogether. So what do we do when we do wrong or are done wrong? I think the first step is to recognize (what really happened), the second is to forgive (yourself and the other person) and the third is to make amends (make things right and move on without holding any grudges).

*It has never ceased to amaze me how quickly the good can be forgotten when faced with the bad. Sure, we enjoy and appreciate kindness the moment it happens, but as soon as something goes wrong, it's like our memory becomes wiped clean of the good stuff and we only hold on to the bad. I want it to be the opposite for me: forget the bad stuff the moment it happens and hold on to the good forever :)

*Always think the best of people... I doesn't matter what kind of crazy thoughts and ideas are swarming in my head, I choose to think the best... And treat people according to that. I would be lying if I said I had it down... I don't... I'm working on it... Or I should say, God is working it out in me :)

*There is no fear (of rejection) in love, but perfect love (of Christ in me) casts out ALL fear :)

Drawing Clear Lines

I love people. I am what you call an "extravagant extrovert". I get extreme pleasure from being around people and making new friends. I know no strangers.

I also love God. Jesus Christ, to be specific. I crave time in His presence, hearing His voice, feeling His touch, talking to Him, and seeing His reality in my life and the lives of others who know Him. I am what you call a "Christian".

And so my life was great... Loving God and loving people. In that order. And that's what made it great. My love for God overflowing into my love for people. All was good, my priorities were right and my heart was at peace. For a while...

I'm so ashamed to admit it, but somewhere along the line, that order switched. People came first and I began to compromise my relationship with God for my relationships with people. And I didn't even realize it until I was ready and willing to throw it all away. I looked at some of the people I was surrounding myself with and I actually envied them. They were "normal" and didn't have spiritual convictions and responsibilities to regulate their words and actions. The general rule of thumb seemed to be: If it makes you happy/feels good, then do it and deal with the consequences later. And so I wanted to be "normal". More specifically, I wanted to be free to do whatever I felt like at the moment and to date whomever I wanted without having this "issue" of "religion" (or lack thereof) come in the way. And then it hit me... I've already been there and done that... All of it. And where did it get me? I shudder to recall... And yet here I was, caught in compromise, eager to please my friends while leaving Jesus on the outskirts of whatever time/energy I had left after all the parties, dances and late night escapades. And it has cost me...

Thinking about it now, I have conformed so much to the crowd, I nearly lost myself and what I believe in. Reading The Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis really opened my eyes to what I got tangled up in, and has finally given me the resolve to shake it off and stand up for myself, my faith and my Christian lifestyle again. And so I will no longer give in to please others, try to fit in where I don't belong, apologize for being "different", stay silent when I need to speak, laugh when I need to stay quiet, and say "it's OK" when it's really not. There are actually two things in particular that I'm really not OK with, and for the last few days they've been agitating me so much, I'm going to mention them here.

1. Drinking/Seeing people (especially my friends) get drunk (or buzzed, whatever).

2. Cussing. Especially when people use the name of God as a curse word, and especially if it's girls. Hearing cuss words is like the sound of nails on the chalkboard for me. It irks me to no end and I hate it with a passion.

So these are just two of the things that I no longer want to be around. I still love people, and I absolutely adore my friends, but I love Jesus more. Way more. Yes, I'm a friend, and yes, I'm a dancer, but above all that I'm a Christian, and what may be "normal" for others may not always be normal for me. I'm called to a higher standard of life... And if the people in my life can't respect me, who I am, what I believe, and the lifestyle I live, then maybe they are not my friends to begin with... All I know is that I'm done compromising.

Out on a limb...

Every now and then a situation comes along when it seems like what you want is finally within reach. And so we make plans, dream dreams, and dare to get our hopes up. We feel the thrill, the excitement, the anticipation. We can almost taste the success... We go for it, put ourselves out there, give it our best shot, all we've got, and then hold our breath and wait... All for nothing... Nothing but a slammed door in the face.

So what happens when we fail? Or when life seemingly fails us? What then? When hopes and dreams are dashed and crumbled, hearts broken and spirits crushed? Rejection is never pleasant, no matter which form it comes in. So what do we do? Dig a hole of self pity and bury ourselves in it? Hide in a dark corner of depression and cry bitter tears of resentment? The temptation to do all that is great...

Natural reaction to pain is always self defense for the fear of getting hurt again. When we make ourselves vulnerable, we risk getting hurt. And maybe 9 out of 10 times we will... So why do we keep doing it? Because that one time is worth it. Because you know that in order to get what you want you gotta keep trying. I'm all for "If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No need to make a fool out of yourself." Also, the definition of insanity is to do the same thing over and over while expecting different results. So by all means, common sense is very called for. No need to keep pursuing a shut door...

At the end of the day, what keeps you going and looking forward to the days ahead? I believe it's faith, hope and love mixed in with your God given gifts, talents and desires. Life is hard and pain is inevitable. While we cannot control many things, our attitude is always a choice. The temptation to run and hide every time things don't work out the way we want them to will always be there. Don't do it... It's too easy...

Love cannot not give... Love life. Love others. Love yourself. Love your Creator. And give it all your all :)

"Develop an attitude of faith, hope and love towards life. Many things are possible for the person who has hope. Even more is possible for the person who has faith. Still more is possible for the person who knows how to love. But everything is possible for the person who practices all three virtues."

To follow or not to follow?

Who you follow determines where you end up.

It's fascinating how seamlessly this well known fact of life correlates to the dance world of "leads" and "follows". Generally speaking, a follow simply reflects the actions of a lead(er). It's a simple equation where one variable (the follow) is directly affected by another (the lead). When the two step out on the dance floor, it is understood that one will lead and one will follow, otherwise, there will be no dance. When a follow accepts a dance invitation from a lead, it is pretty much (on a MUCH smaller scale) equivalent to a citizen choosing a president, a church appointing a pastor, a person choosing a mentor. You can only go as far as that person takes you.

In order to obtain growth and improvement, one must always be stretched, challenged and presented with new "stuff". The reason we "look up" to someone is because we recognize that they are "above" us in some way or another and we want that which they have. In every relationship, if we respect the person, we tend to want to emulate something about them, whether it's a character trait, a talent, work ethic, business, ministry, marriage, family life, whatever. These people are our role models, inspirations, "idols"...

Just being around them, however, is not enough. Hanging out with Mother Theresa will not necessarily improve your personality. Improvement can only come from change. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over while expecting different results. There is little we have control over in this world, but the one thing that we can always be in control of is ourselves, our thoughts, our actions, our attitude, and the way we respond to whatever is thrown at us in life. We need to choose to change. And all mental decisions need to be followed through with a physical action. In all of this, there is no place for emotions, because anything established on emotions will sooner or later crash and burn.

Last, and perhaps the most important point: You can't be a good lead without being a good follow. All of my favorite dance leads know how to follow. Coincidence? I think not. In order to better lead, one must be able to relate to the follow. Think of it as a chain of command... Every leader must be leadable... Good follows make the best leads.

So who are you following? Where are you heading? Where will you end up in life? Apostle Paul told the early churches to follow him as he followed Christ. I think that is the most perfect model of leadership there is. Ultimately, Jesus Christ is my only role model and I'm following Him by following those who also follow Him. As a result, I have others following me because I am following Him. I'm both a lead and a follow. Keeps me humble :)

Reflections of RI

*The City*

Dubbed as the Renaissance City, Providence is a city like no other... The people, the culture, the atmosphere... The language! LOL I could not get over the heavy Italian accent I heard EVERYWHERE! Or was it just the Rhode Island accent that suddenly sounded stronger than ever after being away for so long? Funny thing is, after a couple of days, I sounded just like them... It all came back! I'm still amazed at how one city can be so beautiful, yet so ghetto all at the same time... On a couple of my strolls through certain neighborhoods I caught myself wishing I had my pepper spray with me... I was actually questioning my safely... Something I haven't done in Seattle yet...

*Family*

My dad is whipped... I can't believe it. I salute my stepmom, she is awesome! She has completely transformed my dad into a person I do not know. I suspect my adorable 3 year old half sister might have had a little to do with that as well... I guess (new) parenthood changes men... Still, some things about him are (sadly) still the same... Oh well, as long as he loves my stepmom and Sophia, I'm cool with whatever... My stepsister is a different story altogether... How bad was it of me to actually not want to be around her :(... Her bf and I get along great though!

*Friends*

True friends aren't necessarily the people you see everyday... They are the people you don't see for months, but when you do, you just pick up right where you left off... And it's like it was only yesterday... :) I guess what it came down to was that I saw people who wanted to see me. It was a random selection really... An ex bf, a high school reunion, some old co-workers and a mix of friends from college and church. Seeing them happy put a smile on my face. Seeing them struggle made me sad... In the end, all I could do was make sure they knew I loved them and was there for them. So many of them have been affected by the economy (RI has the highest percentage of unemployment in the country) and it has devastated them (esp. guys). I know that most of these people will always be in my life in some way or another because our connections are just so strong :)

*Dancing*

I don't know if I'm totally accurate in saying this, but from what I've seen while I was there, the Latin dance scene in RI leaves more to be desired... Maybe I am biased. Maybe I was just missing my friends, my cozy little dance hubs and Nick's amazing music, but dancing in Providence just didn't do it for me... I missed "my" leads - dancing with the people I know, love, and can affectionately hug afterwards :) I guess I can't fully enjoy dancing without connecting with the person I dance with :)

*Food*

Can you say I T A L I A N? Providence is truly famous for its strong Italian heritage, and that is clearly evident in its cuisine. Its restaurants and chefs are top notch, which is not surprising since one of the top culinary schools in the country, Johnson and Wales University, resides downtown. Providence is also famous for its many bars, lounges and "upscale" socializing. In a city run by mafia, what can you expect? ;)

*Loose Ends*

I do love Rhode Island and I do love Providence. However, I do not miss it. True, every time I visit I get overwhelmed by a wave of nostalgia that sweeps over me with the memories of the past, but it's a past that's dead and gone. My new life is in Seattle :) Seattle is home :) I love it :) It's just... me!

The (Re) Connection

I remember when I first started dancing salsa... As a hip hop dancer, I thought I already knew it all and could move to the beat better than most. Apparently that wasn't good enough for salsa... The only "partner" dancing I was familiar with at that point was "bump and grind", so needless to say, I had to start from scratch... At first, to me, salsa was all about the steps: the basics, the turns, the combinations... Later, I realized that it's all about being a good follow, which comes from something far more important than knowing the steps - a connection with your partner. That connection was something I was always fighting in other dances, but since it wasn't quite so physically intimate in salsa, I was OK in making it there (since I only danced with my friends anyway), thus becoming a better dancer.

It took me a bit longer to make that connection in bachata, and what it finally came down to was who I dance with. Since I already have a natural connection with my friends, the guys I know, love and respect, I feel safe letting down my guard and allowing myself to connect with them during the dance. I'd still never dance a bachata with a stranger though... Blues is the same way... I'm cool dancing and goofing around with my friends, but I can't get that close and personal with people I don't share affection with on a regular basis.

Let's switch over to tango now, this incredibly beautiful, complex, and difficult dance I've been trying to learn lately... I really must give it full credit for breaking down my physical comfort zone. I guess once you do the close embrace you don't go back... Anyway, the physical closeness is not the problem... My insecurities about not knowing what I'm doing are... I'm so focused on getting all the steps right, I'm distracted from what's really important: the music and the actual "connection" with my partner... Letting him move me...

It's the same in our relationship with God... Sometimes we can be so focused on getting all the "steps" right in our walk with Him, that we forget about the connection... Dancing to the music of His love... Letting Him move us, letting His love compel us... Isn't that what it all was meant to be about? The fear of our inadequacies will always break that connection... We are not always going to do/say/think/feel the right thing... Mistakes are bound to happen, but it's the connection that will keep Him and I together, and that connection can only come out of a relationship of trust. Trust in His character, His nature, His love, His Word, His promise... Dancing with Jesus is like dancing with a best friend... I know Him and He knows me, fully and completely, so it's a great dance everytime :P!

Show Must Go On!

I thoroughly enjoy finding new parallels between dancing and my relationship with God :) Every time He shows me something new, I get really excited because I'm once again reminded that when we put God at the very center of our lives, it affects every area of our life :) Since God loves us so much, everything (and everyone!) we love is important to Him and He can teach us and speak to us through practically anything and everything!

So anyway, this is what I realized last night:

When I first started dancing, every time I'd mess up, I would just stop. Not only did it not look good, but it broke the momentum of everything I was doing before, which would have to get built up all over again once my partner got me back on track and we resumed the dance. Now, things are a bit different... Do I still mess up? Of course! Not as much as I used to, but occasionally small slip ups still occur. But you know what?! You'd never know it if you watch me now :) Because the more I dance, the better I get and the more I learn :) And one of the most important lessons I learned is to never stop... Just keep dancing! Even if I mess up or have no clue what's going on, I just keep on beat, keep doing the basic and keep up the momentum to go into another combination, turn or spin. And when I come out of it, I just go back to the basic! I never stop, because the key is to keep moving :)

In our walk with God, this principle translates the same way... Our journey with Him is a process. We are always learning, hence we still tend to mess up... So when you do, don't wallow in guilt, shame and condemnation! Don't stop doing what you're doing! Don't lose faith, hope and love :) Keep going... Keep on moving... Go back to the basic... Read your Bible, pray, surround yourself by the community and fellowship of other believers... Don't lose the momentum...

In this beautiful dance of life, God Himself is our partner, and He is faithful to complete the work He started in us. He'll get you back on track and into another exciting move :) Just learn to follow Him...

So You Think You Want To Date Me...

In the last couple of weeks I've been hearing a lot on the topic of singleness. Particularly my own and my girlfriends'. We are all young, intelligent, educated, GORGEOUS, talented, fun, and have personalities that literally radiate attraction. So what gives? I mean, the desire is there... There are plenty of guys I've been attracted to and thought, "Hey, I wouldn't mind going out with him!" I actually did go out with a few, but they all seemed to hit the brick wall of "Is this really going to work?" and resulted in a crash and burn... It's not that we wouldn't have had a fun short term fling or an even shorter intense red hot affair, it's just that I wasn't interested in investing my time, energy and emotions into something that I knew would leave me high and dry because it had no long term potential... Our standards, morals, values and beliefs just didn't match up, which completely eliminated the possibility of any romantic future together...

When a friend asked me why I wasn't dating any of the guys I met at salsa, I replied, "Because none of these guys want to date a girl who won't sleep with them." Sad, but true... I'm sure they all respect me for it, but nonetheless... Don't get me wrong... I'm all about love and romance and passion in the bedroom (and on the dance floor), but it has to be at the right time with the right person, in a relationship that is safe and secure, where there is freedom to let go and be vulnerable because there's complete trust, commitment and covenant. My body and heart are a package deal and are too precious to be given away carelessly.

That being said, here are some things you need to know about me and some things you need to check yourself for if a thought of dating me has ever crossed your mind ;) :

Me:

*Once you're in my life in any way, you're in, and you're staying in unless you choose to get out.

*I'm not the girl you bootycall at 2 am, I'm the girl you take home to meet mom and dad.

*I'm NOT going to sleep with you (unless you're my husband).

*I'm blunt and honest with a sarcastic sense of humor :) So if your feelings tend to get hurt easily, I'm not the girl for you...

*My top 3 Love Languages are #1 Quality Time, #2 Physical Touch, #3 Acts of Service. That means spend time with me/talk to me, hug me, and do stuff for me :P LOL

* I value sincerity, honestly and loyalty above all else.

* I love spontaneously, surprises and all that fun random unexpected stuff :)


You:

...have to love Jesus. As a person, and not some religious figure. Respect, admiration and faith alone are not good enough. Love.

...have to love people. All people. Genuinely. And be comfortable around all races/ages/ethnicities/orientations/backgrounds.

...have to be able to fit in and "hang" with my friends, family, church, and dance community.

...have to dance :) Anything counts really, as long as you have some passion and some rhythm, although the ideal, of course, would be salsa ;)


So if you can handle the "Me" part and got the 4 "You" things down you're golden (granted the initial attraction/connection/chemistry is already there :P)!

Validation

This video has hit home so hard, it knocked the wind out of me and sent me into a tailspin of emotion so intense I needed a moment to collect myself after watching it. It was as if I was watching the story of my own life. Hugh Newman was me... A bubbly, optimistic cheerleader whose greatest joy came from speaking life into people's lives, making them smile and giving them hope. I was a leader at my church, a pastor's assistant and a mentor to many girls. My life was overflowing with happiness, excitement, and sunshine. And I couldn't help but share it with everyone I encountered.

All was well... until I fell in love. And of course, I couldn't fall in love with someone who was just like me, another "cheerleader"... I fell in love with a "wounded bird", someone so hurt and so broken, I just had to try and "save" him... And I couldn't. I took every smile, every laugh, every hug, every little sign of happiness on his part as a personal victory, a small triumph of some sorts, anything to keep me going in my efforts to "win" him over. And when I didn't, it absolutely devastated me.

I lost myself... I mean, after all, what was the point of having joy in my life and giving it to others when I couldn't share it with the one I loved the most? And so gone was my own smile, my own joy, my own sense of identity, destiny and purpose. Maybe not all of it all at once, but chunks of it were definitely stolen by sadness, tears and frustration that seemed to have come out of nowhere to fill in the void created by my broken heart. It stayed like that for a while... My family, friends and pastors were confused... What happened to their Anna?! They loved and supported me the whole way through.... They wanted my smile back. Jesus was always there too... Reading The Shack and lots of Philip Yancey helped me understand and get my peace back :) The Bible has provided me with some priceless wisdom and comfort as well :)

So yea, after months of pain and some pretty intensive "therapy", I was back! The joy, the laughter, the "gift" of bringing it out in others, was still in me... It has never left. I was now back to being myself and doing what I love... making others smile :) And this is still where I am right now :0) That is my "happy ending"... Do I want the same happy ending as this video? Of course I do... The thought alone makes me catch my breath... I'd do anything for things to end like that... However, I realize that my life is not a short film and that there are no guarantees or formulas to make it all work out exactly the way I want it to. And that's ok. Maybe an alternative ending will be just as good if not better :) Meanwhile, I'll just keep living my life, doing my thing and being myself... Because I'll never completely know the full impact and extent of my words/actions and whose life I end up touching...

Spice Boys (And Girls) of Salsa (Take II)

Generally speaking, we are all sexual beings who have a need for (physical) human contact, yet we all engage in social dancing for different reasons. The trick is to decipher who is there to pick up the opposite (or same) sex, get you to buy lessons, get some exercise, or really just to dance, have fun, and improve their skills. To be fair, quite a few of the people really are there to practice and get better at their dance, especially those who are just starting out and those who've been at it for a while. But why are they doing it?

For guys, it's simple: to meet girls, which is why at least half, if not all, of the men are there. I mean, come on, in what other place can you just approach a girl, ask her to dance and then hold her hands, at the very least, (depending on the type of dance/song) for about 3-5 minutes? And if you’re really lucky (or good looking) you might even get a name and some conversation out of her. It helps if you smile and make us laugh. It really helps if you actually know what you’re doing. I don't care how much the guys say they enjoy the music, or the dance moves, let's get real... if it didn't include the whole "dancing with a girl" part, how many guys would still be there? Not many...

For girls, it's a bit more complex just because we are very different from the guys. Most of us (with a few exceptions of course) are there to enjoy the music, the dancing, and to hang out with our friends, both guys and girls. However, we would still be there without the guys, enjoying each other's company, dancing with our girl friends and making new ones. We also tend to be not as aggressive as the guys in asking for dances and pursuing your interest. Are motives and interests are more social and music/dance related than romantic and/or sexual.

So now, possessing such information, one needs to decide how to appropriately respond to and interact with the different groups of people in the dancing community. Let’s start with the easiest category, The Beginners. Since they really are there to learn, give them a break and dance with them. Be nice and encouraging, who knows, they might get really good really fast and become one of your favorite partners! If they do however try to flirt or get your number, politely decline and avoid any future dances, unless they are really hot and you are really interested. Moving on to Dancing as Exercise, this one is also pretty easy, just enjoy the workout! The men in this category are often the sweatiest and smelliest. Don’t expect them to ask you out unless you actually provide them with a workout, or are really hot. This category can also include people who are there because they really do enjoy the music and the dance itself. They are there to dance, period.

Next, The Pros, people who are there generally to practice, show off, sell you lessons or promote themselves and their own venues. Don’t expect them to dance with you unless they already know you, or (as a girl) you’re dressed incredibly skanky. Any guy will do anything to get his hands on a barely clad hot body. Actually being an outstanding follow helps. Note the word “outstanding”.

The last category, people who are there to pick up and hook up, actually includes (some, not all) guys and girls from all the other categories. They are not there to have “guy time” or "girl time" or meet more guy/girl friends, they are there to meet and dance with the opposite sex. And this is how it works: They ask you to dance, ask for your name, smile, flirt, make you laugh, compliment you, maybe even teach you some moves. Then they start to sit with you when you’re not dancing, talk to you, learn about you, trying to get you to feel closer, more comfortable with them. After that, their dance with you might get a little sexier, they’ll start to test their (and your) boundaries, the flirting will turn up a notch, the attraction, the chemistry, the rhythm, it’s all there, and you’re hooked. That’s when you’ll start seeking each other out on and off the dance floor, phone calls, texts, Facebook messages – Are you coming out tonight? At which point this can go one of two ways: You either admit your exclusive interest for each other and start dating (this rarely happens, and if it does, it doesn’t usually last for long - I've seen so many people hook up and break up, it's ridiculous), or you look around, evaluate the situation and see that they are literally doing this with several (if not more) other girls/guys. How are you supposed to compete with that?! Should you even bother and is it even worth it?

As a friend of mine eloquently stated, guys have picking up chicks down to a formula. The girl is pretty much the only variable that keeps changing and rotating in and out. Another friend of mine said that guys are simple: if you’re pretty and can carry on a conversation, guys are interested. If you dress hot and can shake it on the dance floor, guys are very interested. So how does a girl handle all this male attention without falling head over heels and getting her heart broken when she realizes they’re not serious? From my own personal experience, the key is to be objective and not to get emotionally involved. I made the mistake of getting emotionally involved once, and it has literally messed me (and my dancing) up for months. I thought I was something special, somehow different from all the other girls, but I was just another variable in his formula. So yea, having learned from that experience, I can tell you to just use your head. Watch how they interact with other dancers… Do they treat them the same way they treat you? Are you really “special” or just the flavor of the week? Some guys/girls are just players and there’s nothing you can do about that. You can still dance with them and enjoy their company (and good looks), just be fully aware that that’s as far as it goes. Leave it on the dance floor, and keep your heart out of it.

It really is possible to actually make friends with the people you dance with. I’ve met and befriended many guys at salsa, even those who initially did try to “pick me up”. What works for me is clearly setting boundaries right at the beginning and letting them know that there’s just no way you’ll ever have anything even remotely romantic (or sexual) with them. As a result, you can go out there and enjoy dancing with some great dancers, who can also be great friends once they start looking at you as more of a sister/brother than their next hook up. I have many “brothers” at salsa, which only adds to my enjoyment of it. So when the dancing gets hot and spicy, you just gotta remember to keep it simple, keep it clean, and keep it pure :)!

The (Mis) Connection

For the last two Tuesdays I've been dancing a new dance: Blues. I've known about it for a while, but was always skeptical about trying it because it just looked so sensual/sexual (as sexual beings, I think none of us can truly separate the two). It was just too close, something I was completely uncomfortable with, especially with strangers. When I finally did try it two weeks ago, I was surprised at how much fun it was and how much I loved it. It let me use all the dance skills I had: hip hop, tango, salsa, swing... And it was totally improvised, which I love, because there's nothing as fun as "doing your own thing". Dancing with friends was awesome since they already knew my style (and my 6 inch rule :P). Dancing with the new people I met was very fun too (once I've informed them of the 6 inch rule and didn't have to fight them while trying to push them away the whole time). So yea, my first official night of dancing the blues was fun, exciting, and thrilling. I thought I was hooked... Until a week later.

Last night was different and made me realize a couple of things. One, I'm a great dancer. Two, I'm a sucky blues dancer. I can definitely move, and I can most certainly follow, but when it comes to blues, I refuse to play by the rules. Apparently, there are "rules" to dancing blues (even though the dance is improv), and I learned them last night while dancing with an actual blues DJ/instructor. Even before that though, I could sense that something was off... I wasn't connecting with the music and feeling the beat because I was either having too much fun acting out or too distracted by my partner trying to hold me too close. At the end of the night, when I finally got my "lesson", everything became clear. Here's a rough sketch of how it went:

We just started dancing, and I thought I was doing really well...

Him: Can I make a suggestion?
Me: Sure, go for it!
Him: It feels like you're pushing me away.
Me (thinking): I am.
Him: We are not connected.
Me (thinking): I don't want to connect with you, I just want to dance.
And, BOOM, there's the problem... Same issue I have with tango... Love it, but refuse to do the "close embrace" where the girl fully leans against the guy's chest/stomach and their bodies are literally connected/aligned on one side so that every move the lead makes transcends to the follow. It's an amazing concept and works marvelously, as my teacher later demonstrated it for me all its glory. I have to admit, it makes a HUGE difference and I totally get the what, why and how, but I still can't do it. Even after being a good student, dancing the "proper" way, and seeing what an improvement it made in my dancing, I still wanted to dance "my way". I felt the connection alright, and that was the problem... I didn't want to.

We connect with people/things on various levels: intellectual, emotional, social, spiritual, and of course, physical. Every person/thing in our life makes an impact on us and leaves its mark, however big or small it might be. Whether we meet a person, read a book, watch a movie, or hear a song, something in us (our feelings, memories, desires, experiences, etc.) makes a connection that leaves an impression that stays in our heart and on our mind (for a certain amount of time anyway).

I have no problem making intellectual and social connections, but when it comes to spiritual, emotional and physical, I tend to guard myself a great deal. Not so much with girls, but very much so with guys. I consider myself to be a very open person and I'll reach out to just about anyone, but there are still parts of myself that I reserve only for "that special someone". That physical connection is one thing... I only want to have it with one person... I think it's pretty special... The emotional connection is another thing... I want "my guy" to be only one who knows me on that level, to be the only one for whom I feel these feelings and allow myself to be that vulnerable with.

Maybe it's just me... Even though I know it's not... Maybe I'll get more comfortable if I let myself "loosen up"... In fact, I know I can, but I just don't want to... Call it high standards, call it being conservative, prude, whatever... I'm sure my future someone will appreciate me "saving" myself for him :) Even in little things, like dancing in a certain way, letting someone hold me so close, touch me like that, me feeling certain things... It's a big deal to me... I know I don't do bachata justice, I know I don't do tango justice, and now I think I probably don't do blues justice either... But I think it's ok. Am I going to keep dancing? I think so... But my way :) and with people who understand... There's only one person I really want to "connect" with on all levels :)

Spice Boys (Men of Salsa)

As much as I’d like to say that they are all the same, they’re not. Generally, as men, they are all the same because they are all driven by their hormones, but they all come out to dance for different reasons. The trick is to decipher who is there to pick up chicks, get you to buy lessons, get some exercise, or really just to dance, have fun, and improve their skills. To be fair, quite a few of the guys really are there to practice and get better at their dance, especially those who are just starting out and those who've been at it for a while. But why are they doing it? Simple: to meet girls, which is why at least half, if not all, of the men are there. I mean, come on, in what other place can you just approach a girl, ask her to dance and then hold her hands, at the very least, (depending on the type of dance/song) for about 3-5 minutes? And if you’re really lucky (or good looking) you might even get a name and some conversation out of her. It helps if you smile and make us laugh. It really helps if you actually know what you’re doing.

So now, possessing such information, as a girl, you need to decide how to respond to these “salsa guys”. Let’s start with the easiest category, Beginners. Since they really are there to learn, give them a break and dance with them. Be nice and encouraging, who knows, they might get really good really fast and become one of your favorite leads! If they do however try to flirt or get your number, politely decline and avoid any future dances, unless they are really hot and you are really interested. Moving on to Dancing as Exercise, this one is also pretty easy, just enjoy the workout! Take note however, these guys are often the sweatiest and smelliest. Don’t expect them to ask you out unless you actually provide them with a workout, or are really hot. This category can also include guys who are there because they really do enjoy the music and the dance itself. But let's get real... if it didn't include the "dancing with a girl" part, they wouldn't be there. What guy wants to salsa with a guy? Next, the Pros, people who are there generally to show off, sell you lessons or promote themselves and their own venues. Don’t expect them to dance with you unless they already know you, or you’re dressed incredibly skanky. Any guy will do anything to get his hands on a barely clad hot body. Actually being an outstanding follow helps. Note the word “outstanding”.

The last category, guys who are there to pick up chicks, actually includes all the other categories, because as I said earlier, that is the essential motive of all guys who dance. They are not there to have “guy time” or meet more guy friends, they are there to meet and dance with girls. And this is how it works: They ask you to dance, ask for your name, smile, flirt, make you giggle, compliment you, maybe even teach you some moves. Then they start to sit with you when you’re not dancing, talk to you, learn about you, trying to get you to feel closer, more comfortable with them. After that, their dance with you might get a little sexier, they’ll start to test their (and your) boundaries, the flirting will turn up a notch, the attraction, the chemistry, the rhythm, it’s all there, and you’re hooked. That’s when you’ll start seeking each other out on and off the dance floor, phone calls, texts, Facebook messages – Are you coming out tonight? At which point this can go one of two ways: You either admit your exclusive interest for each other and start dating (this rarely, if ever, happens, and if it does, it doesn’t usually last for long - I've seen so many people hook up and break up, it's ridiculous), or you look around, evaluate the situation and see that he is literally doing this with several (if not more) other girls. How are you supposed to compete with that?! Should you even bother and is it even worth it?

As a friend of mine eloquently stated, guys have picking up chicks down to a formula. The girl is pretty much the only variable that keeps changing and rotating in and out. Another friend of mine said that guys are simple: if you’re pretty and can carry on a conversation, guys are interested. If you dress hot and can shake it on the dance floor, guys are very interested. So how does a girl handle all this male attention without falling head over heels and getting her heart broken when she realizes they’re not serious? From my own personal experience, the key is to be objective and not to get emotionally involved. I made the mistake of getting emotionally involved once, and it has literally messed me (and my dancing) up for months. I thought I was something special, somehow different from all the other girls… And when he said, “I like you”, I assumed it meant “More than anybody else.” Turns out I was wrong. I was just another girl variable in his perfected formula of meeting girls at salsa… So yea, learning from that experience I can tell you to just use your head. Watch how he interacts with other girls… Does he treat them the same way he treats you? Are you really “special” or just the flavor of the week? Some guys are just players and there’s nothing you can do about that. You can still dance with them and enjoy their company (and good looks), just be fully aware that that’s as far as it goes. Leave it on the dance floor, and keep your heart out of it.

It really is possible to actually make friends with the guys you dance with. I’ve met and befriended many guys at salsa, even those who initially did try to “pick me up”. What works for me is clearly setting boundaries right at the beginning and letting them know that there’s just no way you’ll ever have anything even remotely romantic (or sexual) with them. As a result, you can go out there and enjoy dancing with some great dancers, who can also be great guys once they start looking at you as more of a sister than their next hook up. I have many “brothers” at salsa, which only adds to my enjoyment of it. So when the dancing gets hot and spicy, you just gotta remember to keep it simple, keep it clean, and keep it pure :)!

Hot Dads

There are a lot of them at the school where the 6 year old I nanny goes... It was quite shocking for me at first to see them there... Dropping off and picking up their kids, being in the classroom, on the playground, holding backpacks, lunch boxes and art projects... It's very fascinating. It was like, you're (semi) young, (very) good looking, well dressed, and a dad?! Naturally, my next question was, are you also a husband?! A quick glance at their left hand ring finger assured me that most of them, in fact, were. Aww, how sweet! A few of them, however, were missing that gold/platinum band... Hmm... so are you a big brother then? An uncle? A babysitter? A single dad? A widow? A divorced parent? In any case, the absence of a wedding band on a ring finger means single, which also often means available. Which then gets me thinking, would I, could I, should I? Be with someone who already has a child, that is...

There are already so many things to consider when it comes to dating, and throwing a child into the mix makes it all the more complicated... Baby mama drama is one thing... The circumstances are everything. I don't think I've ever had a serious crush on or seriously considered dating someone who already had a child from a previous relationship/marriage. Just too complicated I guess... Never appealed to me no matter how good looking the guy was. Not that I'm ruling it out completely, but it just seems so hard!

I haven't really connected with many parents at the school yet, even though I see them everyday. I think the fact that I'm not an actual "parent" has something to do with it. I also haven't been hit on by any dads, with or without a wedding band. Thank God, because that would have been just awkward. But still, you never know, and I must admit that I find at least one of those "single" dads very attractive. If it turns out that we actually talk and connect, and he can dance... But it's too much to think about right now... I was just toying with this cool idea in my head, that there are a lot of really cool, hot dads out there who also happen to be very cool, hot husbands :) It gives me hope... It's just encouraging :)

Kids... So Selfish!

As many of you know, I get to work with kids all day at both of my jobs, nannying and Sylvan. Fun jobs, fun kids, good times :) I totally love doing what I do, because I get to see the "human nature" in its perhaps most "unrefined" form. It's always refreshingly shocking and amusing to see how kids reflect what all of us really are on the inside...selfish!

I've never had a problem with an 11 month old Tommy being selfish, because he's baby, he's right, the world really does revolve around him and his needs. I do get a bit annoyed when my 3 (now 4) year old Mikey tries to throw a selfish fit, though. In an effort to teach him that the world does not, in fact, revolve around him and that he needs to be aware and considerate of the wants and needs that others around him have, I've been making it a point to sometimes deny him certain things if his only reason is "But I want to!" or "But I don't want to!" It's not because I'm mean or don't love him, but because the kid's got to learn! Every once in a while, just to mess with him, I'll respond with my own "But I want to!" or "But I don't want to!" so that he'll understand what it's like to not always get what you want because of your consideration for others. I think it's working :)

It's normal for kids to be selfish when they're young, but when are they supposed to grow out of it? At what age do they begin to realize that it is indeed better to give than to receive, that sometimes one needs to lay aside their own personal wants and needs for a sacrifice of a greater good? Somehow I remember always being aware of that "self sacrifice" concept growing up. Blame it on either a "culture of love songs" or "religion", but it got the job done. About a month ago though, I had a Study Skills student at Sylvan who really got me concerned about what this world is coming to in terms of selfish kids growing up to be selfish adults... I think she was either a freshman or a sophomore in high school and we were doing a lesson on setting goals and priorities. At the end of the lesson, she needed to answer a question: What would you die for? Her answer: Nothing. To help the girl out, I asked her what she would live for instead. Her answer: Myself. She then went on to explain that she didn't think there was anything she would be willing to die for and that she was only living for herself and what made her happy. I just kind of sat there, stunned, staring at her for a minute and then just had her move on to something else because I couldn't tell her what I was really thinking: What a sad little girl... What a sad life...

Selfish people don't make very good friends, and they make terrible spouses... It's just hard to be around them, to live with them... And it's also hard for them to live with themselves... Selfish people are often negative, pessimistic, sad, lonely and depressed. No wonder, since all of their focus is on themselves... It's pretty ironic that when you spend so much time and energy trying to make yourself happy, all your efforts fall short and all you're left with is an acute realization of how big that hole in your soul really is...

So where does true fulfillment, satisfaction, love and happiness come from? Well, like Jesus said, it comes from laying your life down for others, from loving and serving others... From living an "unselfish" life... From taking yourself off the throne of your life and putting God there... Having your life revolve around Him... And guess what? He's all about loving other people :) So who would you die for? My neighbor... Who would you live for? My neighbor...

Encounter This!

I love my church. There are no "buts", "ifs" or "ands" about it. No matter how different we all are, no matter our age, experience, culture, education, no matter how annoyed and frustrated I sometimes get with the way things are done, no matter the "Russian mind set", no matter how unorganized and last minute meetings and events can sometimes be, no matter all the craziness and chaos, we all know how to do at least one thing very well, and that is to roll up our sleeves, and all work relentlessly as one for a common cause :)

I really saw that this weekend at the Women's Encounter Retreat. It was pretty much one of the most intense experiences of my life that has brought out of me the strength I didn't even know I had. Even though I have been to several encounters before, this was the first time I was serving in one as a leader/speaker.

This encounter was so "spontaneous" for me, so unplanned, in a sense that I wasn't able to go to any meetings about it, was out of town right before it, and only had 2 days to prepare 2 messages that I would be delivering to 30+ young girls/women. However, speaking was only a small part of my role in this encounter. Taking confession, going over topic forms, praying with and for the girls, and casting out demons were things that I've never done before and wasn't quite prepared to do on a moment's notice. Sure, I pray for people on a regular basis, but the intensity of this was times a thousand, because everything was so deep, so personal, so close to home... Most of these girls I've known for years, some of them were even my former students, and the rest were friends... It was such an honor to speak into their lives, to share my life with them, teach them, pray for them, work with them, minister to them... To have them listen to me, trust me, open up to me, love me... It made an impact.

So the last 2 days, roughly 16 hours, were filled with so much emotional, physical and mental hard work, so many tears, but also so much joy, that I wouldn't have traded them for anything. I absolutely love encounters... to see young girls get set free and delivered from issues that have been causing them pain, holding them back, tearing them up and destroying their lives, to see God just manifesting His love and power in their lives, healing them inside and out, watching them being transformed by Him right before my eyes... It's really indescribable...

Yet, for me, it was also semi bittersweet... As I was ministering to these girls, my mind and heart kept going back to the people I love who weren't there, yet needed to be. To the broken and the hurting who instead of turning to God to heal their pain, turned on themselves in sadness, depression and anger... It almost wasn't fair that while I was there, at the encounter, helping young girls, I couldn't help the people that my heart was truly breaking for... So I just prayed and asked God to minister to them the same way I was ministering to these girls...

So yea... I love my church... I love my pastors... I love our leaders... I love our "people"... We are such family... That's really the best way of putting it :)