The (Mis) Connection

For the last two Tuesdays I've been dancing a new dance: Blues. I've known about it for a while, but was always skeptical about trying it because it just looked so sensual/sexual (as sexual beings, I think none of us can truly separate the two). It was just too close, something I was completely uncomfortable with, especially with strangers. When I finally did try it two weeks ago, I was surprised at how much fun it was and how much I loved it. It let me use all the dance skills I had: hip hop, tango, salsa, swing... And it was totally improvised, which I love, because there's nothing as fun as "doing your own thing". Dancing with friends was awesome since they already knew my style (and my 6 inch rule :P). Dancing with the new people I met was very fun too (once I've informed them of the 6 inch rule and didn't have to fight them while trying to push them away the whole time). So yea, my first official night of dancing the blues was fun, exciting, and thrilling. I thought I was hooked... Until a week later.

Last night was different and made me realize a couple of things. One, I'm a great dancer. Two, I'm a sucky blues dancer. I can definitely move, and I can most certainly follow, but when it comes to blues, I refuse to play by the rules. Apparently, there are "rules" to dancing blues (even though the dance is improv), and I learned them last night while dancing with an actual blues DJ/instructor. Even before that though, I could sense that something was off... I wasn't connecting with the music and feeling the beat because I was either having too much fun acting out or too distracted by my partner trying to hold me too close. At the end of the night, when I finally got my "lesson", everything became clear. Here's a rough sketch of how it went:

We just started dancing, and I thought I was doing really well...

Him: Can I make a suggestion?
Me: Sure, go for it!
Him: It feels like you're pushing me away.
Me (thinking): I am.
Him: We are not connected.
Me (thinking): I don't want to connect with you, I just want to dance.
And, BOOM, there's the problem... Same issue I have with tango... Love it, but refuse to do the "close embrace" where the girl fully leans against the guy's chest/stomach and their bodies are literally connected/aligned on one side so that every move the lead makes transcends to the follow. It's an amazing concept and works marvelously, as my teacher later demonstrated it for me all its glory. I have to admit, it makes a HUGE difference and I totally get the what, why and how, but I still can't do it. Even after being a good student, dancing the "proper" way, and seeing what an improvement it made in my dancing, I still wanted to dance "my way". I felt the connection alright, and that was the problem... I didn't want to.

We connect with people/things on various levels: intellectual, emotional, social, spiritual, and of course, physical. Every person/thing in our life makes an impact on us and leaves its mark, however big or small it might be. Whether we meet a person, read a book, watch a movie, or hear a song, something in us (our feelings, memories, desires, experiences, etc.) makes a connection that leaves an impression that stays in our heart and on our mind (for a certain amount of time anyway).

I have no problem making intellectual and social connections, but when it comes to spiritual, emotional and physical, I tend to guard myself a great deal. Not so much with girls, but very much so with guys. I consider myself to be a very open person and I'll reach out to just about anyone, but there are still parts of myself that I reserve only for "that special someone". That physical connection is one thing... I only want to have it with one person... I think it's pretty special... The emotional connection is another thing... I want "my guy" to be only one who knows me on that level, to be the only one for whom I feel these feelings and allow myself to be that vulnerable with.

Maybe it's just me... Even though I know it's not... Maybe I'll get more comfortable if I let myself "loosen up"... In fact, I know I can, but I just don't want to... Call it high standards, call it being conservative, prude, whatever... I'm sure my future someone will appreciate me "saving" myself for him :) Even in little things, like dancing in a certain way, letting someone hold me so close, touch me like that, me feeling certain things... It's a big deal to me... I know I don't do bachata justice, I know I don't do tango justice, and now I think I probably don't do blues justice either... But I think it's ok. Am I going to keep dancing? I think so... But my way :) and with people who understand... There's only one person I really want to "connect" with on all levels :)