It's Friday night and I me and a few of my girls went to CG Conference B to see if there was any way we could get in to this already sold out and packed out session to hear Pastor Benny Perez from Las Vegas (one of my all time favorite speakers). Standing along the wall in the back of the auditorium during incredibly intense worship (the Deluge band is the BEST!), I noticed how all 2,500+ people there were so passionately involved. It wasn't just the young people either. The ages ranged from junior high to high school, to college, to YP (young professionals) to middle aged security and ushers and even some really old people. Yet, every hand was raised, every single person was worshipping, and during the crazy fast songs, everyone was pumped, excited and going nuts (myself included). It was really quite a sight... breathtaking... My favorite thing in the world to see. I mean, what would make a sophisticated college educated young person forget how silly they look and worship God with such passionate abandon, giving it their all, unless they have personally met this God and knew exactly who they were worshipping. Listening to Benny Perez from the last row of the balcony was just was powerful as if we were in the front row. We were shouting and hollering and it was crazy the whole time... I stinkin' love how straight and honest and real he is! I think that very well was the sickest service I've ever been to... It kept going even when I left to take Alex home at midnight.
A lot of people call it hype. Emotions. Kind of like going to a concert and getting caught up in something bigger than yourself with dozens of other people doing the same thing you are. I can see the comparison, but I've never heard anyone say that a concert has changed their life. It's true that the younger kids may get high of the conferences, so it's a good thing that we do not live by conferences and church services alone. It's easy to get hyped up off of the excitement of others around you and just the awesome atmosphere of God's presence, but if that same atmosphere can't be reproduced the next morning when you're alone with God in your room, guess what?! It's not real. Some of my most intimate and personal moments with God didn't happen at a conference or even at a church, prayer or small group meeting. I didn't have the GC band, Image band or the Deluge band playing my favorite worship song. Nope, it was just me and Jesus, either in my room or in my car, with a Hillsong CD, my Bible and my journal. More often than that though, it happens in the morning as I'm getting ready. God loves speaking to me when I'm brushing my teeth... It's almost a joke between us. That's how I get most of my messages... Unless you want to spend the rest of your life traveling from conference to conference, one day you will have to face your relationship with God for what it is... away from the crowds, alone in your secret place.
So what does it come down to really? Why do we do what we do? Why do we live the way we live? I sometimes get asked why I write, why I share so much, why I'm so open. The answer to that is because I can't not do it. I speak because I have something to say. As John the Baptist said, "I'm a voice." It's His life, His word, His message flowing through me... I can't keep it inside. I know that I'm in a position of much influence, that I have the power to reach, touch and affect many lives, as I've already seen happen. I may not have the pulpit every Sunday, Thursday and Friday, and I may only physically speak to maybe 10-15 girls a week, but I want to leave a legacy that will live on long after I'm gone. That's why I'm investing myself in the younger generation, because I want to be remembered as someone who made a real, lasting, significant difference in the lives of others. I know too much to stop now. Even if God never does another thing for me for the rest of my life I will still live for Him because I've already seen too much. I've seen too many miracles, physical healings, too many lives radically changed, too many young people set free from addictions, healed of emotional scars, and transformed in their thinking. I've seen too many people touched by God, too many people encountering Him, heard too many stories and testimonies... It's way too personal for me... I can't live any other way. There's really no turning back. I'd rather die than go back to the life I lived before. I can't image my life without God now... I am truly not the same and I never will be :)
Monday, March 31, 2008
Thursday, March 27, 2008
"Count the Stars" CG Conference '08 and Beyond...
Youth conferences are great... The music, the worship, the mosh pits, the energy, the excitement, the lights, the crowds, the sweat, the lifted hands, the unity, the powerful word, the presence, the conviction, the altar time, the tears, the snot, the prayers, the promises, the desperation, the surrender... the change. But is that all?
I was watching a promo video of my first GC Conference from 2 years ago the other day, and it was pretty cool to see myself in it, a true GCer, so eager, so excited, so pumped... I remember that conference very well. I was as involved in it as one could be and it rocked my world... I remember last year's conference too. I was a cool YPer then... too cool for the front, too cool for the mosh pit... It was the beginning of a period of transition from City Church to The Image for me, so I was pretty strained, desperate to hear from God. I remember I got my answer loud and clear... And then there was this year's conference... Going there as a youth leader from a different church felt nice... like a promotion almost... Rubbing shoulders with the famous pastors, being a foot away from Shawn Alexander, and hanging out in the youth pastors lounge was amazing :D I knew I was truly saved when pastors and preachers became my new celebrities :) Going there with my girls (for my girls) gave me a new perspective... All of a sudden I was excited to get my fake star tattoo and jump around in the mosh pit during worship :P And then the message hit. Hard.
Joel Stockstill was mind blowing. It was such a stinking honor to even see/hear him in person, never mind have him right next to me. However, it was Christine Caine who had me on the edge of my seat last night, and then at the altar on my knees. Her message on crossing the street, on cookie cutter Christianity, on people, had my heart burning the entire time her voice resonated. I looked at her and saw myself, listened to her words and heard my own message. There have been very few people in whom I saw the same love and passion for people that I have... Pastor Judah, Pastor John, and now Christine Caine. I'm know others have it too, but these are the only 3 people who have brought me to tears with it. The man I marry MUST have it as well :) I'm going to preach about this again, because I believe that it's the single most important message that Christians need to get into their hearts. If we can't practically share God's love with a person "across the street" then we have officially failed as His representatives. Let's just pack it up and go to heaven, our job here is done.
I'm sick and tired of self absorbed, self centered Christians. I'm sick and tired of cookie cutter Christianity that puts God in a box, limiting Him and what He wants to do. I'm nauseous of messages that focus on God and what He can do for us as Christians, all the while letting the hurt, the broken and the lost people fall through the cracks, slip through our fingers never once experiencing the love of God, the character of God, and the presence of God. I don't want to just be a poster child for Christianity. Yes, I want to save the world, no, I don't think I'm doing enough and if no one else will do it, I will. I don't have a checklist of how many people I share Christ with and how often I do it, it's not about "doing", it's about "being". God can use a donkey if He wanted to, and He has, so it's not even about me feeling good about myself every time God decides to use me. Surrender costs. It costs everything. But at the same time you are also given everything. Everything you could have never gotten on your own.
Today, as I was working out of my boss' house, listening to my Planetshakers, minding my own business, one of his roommates came to sit and work at a desk next to mine. My music was loud enough for him to hear but I hardly even noticed. After a few minutes, he turned to me and asked, "Anna, are you religious or something?" At first I was like, "Huh?" But then I realized he was asking me because of my worship music. So I said, "Well, no, I'm not religious, but yes, I'm a Christian." He responded with, "Well, yea, I hear your music is all about Jesus." So I replied, "Yea, I know, I love Jesus." All this with a completely straight face. I was smiling, but I was completely serious. His response floored me: "Well, it's OK, there's nothing wrong with that." You'd think I just told him I was a stripper or something! After a second of collecting myself I was finally able to reply, "I'm sorry, did I say there was anything wrong with it? I'm actually pretty proud of it." After that we ended up talking about God, religion and Jesus for 2 hours, and this guy's world was turned upside down. Why is it that people consider being a Christian something shameful? Like it needs an apology. Could it be that the church's attitude allows for it? There are so many worship songs that say something like, "I'm not ashamed" and I can't stand them. Why do I even need to be ashamed? I'm not the one doing something wrong. I have clean hands, a pure heart and a clear conscience. I stand blameless in front of God and people. Or at least I should be able to on any given day :) So lets break the mold because we were created in THE IMAGE, called sons and daughters of God, made into a model, a representation of everything He is... and that is NOTHING to be ashamed of. So yea, I will cross the room, cross the street, cross the city, the state, the country, the world... I'll be God's GPS system, rerouting the lost, noticing people and not walking by. Why? Because the love of Christ compels me.
I was watching a promo video of my first GC Conference from 2 years ago the other day, and it was pretty cool to see myself in it, a true GCer, so eager, so excited, so pumped... I remember that conference very well. I was as involved in it as one could be and it rocked my world... I remember last year's conference too. I was a cool YPer then... too cool for the front, too cool for the mosh pit... It was the beginning of a period of transition from City Church to The Image for me, so I was pretty strained, desperate to hear from God. I remember I got my answer loud and clear... And then there was this year's conference... Going there as a youth leader from a different church felt nice... like a promotion almost... Rubbing shoulders with the famous pastors, being a foot away from Shawn Alexander, and hanging out in the youth pastors lounge was amazing :D I knew I was truly saved when pastors and preachers became my new celebrities :) Going there with my girls (for my girls) gave me a new perspective... All of a sudden I was excited to get my fake star tattoo and jump around in the mosh pit during worship :P And then the message hit. Hard.
Joel Stockstill was mind blowing. It was such a stinking honor to even see/hear him in person, never mind have him right next to me. However, it was Christine Caine who had me on the edge of my seat last night, and then at the altar on my knees. Her message on crossing the street, on cookie cutter Christianity, on people, had my heart burning the entire time her voice resonated. I looked at her and saw myself, listened to her words and heard my own message. There have been very few people in whom I saw the same love and passion for people that I have... Pastor Judah, Pastor John, and now Christine Caine. I'm know others have it too, but these are the only 3 people who have brought me to tears with it. The man I marry MUST have it as well :) I'm going to preach about this again, because I believe that it's the single most important message that Christians need to get into their hearts. If we can't practically share God's love with a person "across the street" then we have officially failed as His representatives. Let's just pack it up and go to heaven, our job here is done.
I'm sick and tired of self absorbed, self centered Christians. I'm sick and tired of cookie cutter Christianity that puts God in a box, limiting Him and what He wants to do. I'm nauseous of messages that focus on God and what He can do for us as Christians, all the while letting the hurt, the broken and the lost people fall through the cracks, slip through our fingers never once experiencing the love of God, the character of God, and the presence of God. I don't want to just be a poster child for Christianity. Yes, I want to save the world, no, I don't think I'm doing enough and if no one else will do it, I will. I don't have a checklist of how many people I share Christ with and how often I do it, it's not about "doing", it's about "being". God can use a donkey if He wanted to, and He has, so it's not even about me feeling good about myself every time God decides to use me. Surrender costs. It costs everything. But at the same time you are also given everything. Everything you could have never gotten on your own.
Today, as I was working out of my boss' house, listening to my Planetshakers, minding my own business, one of his roommates came to sit and work at a desk next to mine. My music was loud enough for him to hear but I hardly even noticed. After a few minutes, he turned to me and asked, "Anna, are you religious or something?" At first I was like, "Huh?" But then I realized he was asking me because of my worship music. So I said, "Well, no, I'm not religious, but yes, I'm a Christian." He responded with, "Well, yea, I hear your music is all about Jesus." So I replied, "Yea, I know, I love Jesus." All this with a completely straight face. I was smiling, but I was completely serious. His response floored me: "Well, it's OK, there's nothing wrong with that." You'd think I just told him I was a stripper or something! After a second of collecting myself I was finally able to reply, "I'm sorry, did I say there was anything wrong with it? I'm actually pretty proud of it." After that we ended up talking about God, religion and Jesus for 2 hours, and this guy's world was turned upside down. Why is it that people consider being a Christian something shameful? Like it needs an apology. Could it be that the church's attitude allows for it? There are so many worship songs that say something like, "I'm not ashamed" and I can't stand them. Why do I even need to be ashamed? I'm not the one doing something wrong. I have clean hands, a pure heart and a clear conscience. I stand blameless in front of God and people. Or at least I should be able to on any given day :) So lets break the mold because we were created in THE IMAGE, called sons and daughters of God, made into a model, a representation of everything He is... and that is NOTHING to be ashamed of. So yea, I will cross the room, cross the street, cross the city, the state, the country, the world... I'll be God's GPS system, rerouting the lost, noticing people and not walking by. Why? Because the love of Christ compels me.
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Amor, que es amor?
Over the weekend I received two e-mails from two of my friends letting me know that they were ending/taking a break from their serious (talking marriage) relationships. These are beautiful, amazing, godly young women who were dating wonderful, handsome, godly young men. I thought they had picture perfect examples of model relationships done God's way and I was so happy and excited for them. Their news shocked me and once again, I was grateful to not be in a relationship and have to deal with such emotional pain. And then, as yesterday unfolded, I found myself in a slightly similar situation, having to end the "idea" of a being in a relationship with someone I was already "dating" in my mind.
I'm still such a child sometimes... Still needing Daddy God to rescue me from myself... Still letting my emotions get the best of me... Knowing and not doing... How can the basic principles I teach my girls be so near impossible for me to do myself? I know the answer. I'm still human and I still need grace. I can't do anything without His grace. Without grace, I could have easily said forget it, I'm done, I can't do this anymore, I want to do what I want now, I want to live for myself, I want to do what's natural, what feels good, what I think will make me happy. I could almost see myself walking away from my destiny, throwing it all away, forgetting who I am, who I was created to be. All to pursue... what exactly? A boy? A relationship? Love? A life with someone? Giving up reality to chase an illusion... Do I like him? Yes. But I love God more. I want to fulfill my destiny more than I want to feel good for a temporary moment in time. I know that I know that I know that I would never compromise or "do" anything to step even one inch outside of God's will for my life. His grace keeps me there even when I'm ready to walk away. I can't possibly communicate how grateful I am for that...
"I'm sure there is a great strong Christian guy out there for you!" I hate this line with a passion. I hear it almost daily, especially from John and Vita. It's almost a joke how much they love telling me that.They have such high hopes and expectations for me in that area. It's not that I don't believe it. It's not even a question of "if" it will happen, but if I really want it to now. A few weeks ago John said something in a Sunday message that messed me up. He said that God gave us the power to choose the person we are to spend the rest of our lives with. That inside the person we choose is our "perfect match" and we just have to unwrap them to discover that. There goes that darn "free will" again, that complicates almost everything. If I could choose someone to be with, I could very well want to choose the "wrong" person, especially if he chooses me back... I mean how rarely does it happen when two people choose to be with each other? And how hard is it to just walk away from that... It's almost not fair... why does the person who says and does all the right things, who makes me feel so good have to be so "wrong" for me? I shouldn't say that lately I've been disappointed with some of the Christian guys I know, but I was definitely impressed with how "Christian-like" an "unbeliever" handled this situation. It shocked me to the point of liking him even more for it.
I know that my friends' relationships were not in vain even if they did not have a "happy" ending. They were pure, they were godly and they have taught my friends about themselves, about God, and about love. I suppose I learned a lot too... I believe God definitely had a hand in this and that it was a part of His plan. I may never know the fullness of it but I do know that ALL of it is GOOD :) One of the things I was pleasantly surprised to discover was that my taste in the opposite sex has evolved and matured quite a bit from the pretty boy shallow young model types I used to like. I also discovered that I really can like someone who is not at all like me. And the best discovery was that even though in the end I was sad, I was not hurt... My Daddy protected my heart. He dealt with this in a way that only He could... all in the best interests of His daughter :) And that is why He's the One who will have my heart forever :)
I'm still such a child sometimes... Still needing Daddy God to rescue me from myself... Still letting my emotions get the best of me... Knowing and not doing... How can the basic principles I teach my girls be so near impossible for me to do myself? I know the answer. I'm still human and I still need grace. I can't do anything without His grace. Without grace, I could have easily said forget it, I'm done, I can't do this anymore, I want to do what I want now, I want to live for myself, I want to do what's natural, what feels good, what I think will make me happy. I could almost see myself walking away from my destiny, throwing it all away, forgetting who I am, who I was created to be. All to pursue... what exactly? A boy? A relationship? Love? A life with someone? Giving up reality to chase an illusion... Do I like him? Yes. But I love God more. I want to fulfill my destiny more than I want to feel good for a temporary moment in time. I know that I know that I know that I would never compromise or "do" anything to step even one inch outside of God's will for my life. His grace keeps me there even when I'm ready to walk away. I can't possibly communicate how grateful I am for that...
"I'm sure there is a great strong Christian guy out there for you!" I hate this line with a passion. I hear it almost daily, especially from John and Vita. It's almost a joke how much they love telling me that.They have such high hopes and expectations for me in that area. It's not that I don't believe it. It's not even a question of "if" it will happen, but if I really want it to now. A few weeks ago John said something in a Sunday message that messed me up. He said that God gave us the power to choose the person we are to spend the rest of our lives with. That inside the person we choose is our "perfect match" and we just have to unwrap them to discover that. There goes that darn "free will" again, that complicates almost everything. If I could choose someone to be with, I could very well want to choose the "wrong" person, especially if he chooses me back... I mean how rarely does it happen when two people choose to be with each other? And how hard is it to just walk away from that... It's almost not fair... why does the person who says and does all the right things, who makes me feel so good have to be so "wrong" for me? I shouldn't say that lately I've been disappointed with some of the Christian guys I know, but I was definitely impressed with how "Christian-like" an "unbeliever" handled this situation. It shocked me to the point of liking him even more for it.
I know that my friends' relationships were not in vain even if they did not have a "happy" ending. They were pure, they were godly and they have taught my friends about themselves, about God, and about love. I suppose I learned a lot too... I believe God definitely had a hand in this and that it was a part of His plan. I may never know the fullness of it but I do know that ALL of it is GOOD :) One of the things I was pleasantly surprised to discover was that my taste in the opposite sex has evolved and matured quite a bit from the pretty boy shallow young model types I used to like. I also discovered that I really can like someone who is not at all like me. And the best discovery was that even though in the end I was sad, I was not hurt... My Daddy protected my heart. He dealt with this in a way that only He could... all in the best interests of His daughter :) And that is why He's the One who will have my heart forever :)
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
I just want to teach!!!
So I went over John and Vita's tonight to have John fill out a recommendation form for me as my former principal. It was also my first opportunity to tell him what was going on with my job and how I was going back to teaching (and how ridiculously excited I am about all of this!). So I walk in all happy and excited and I tell him, and at first he gets a little concerned about me and then goes on to tell me how some of the other girls in our church (I know them, of course) got these amazing great paying jobs that they didn't have to go to school for, such as being a nanny and working in doctor's offices. And I know he wasn't suggesting that I should do it, he was just saying how he wants me to have money and "enjoy life" :). And then, as I was walking out, Vita started telling me how I could work for this super rich doctor making lots of money working 4 days a week as a receptionist. I know that they are just looking out for me and trying to help me, and trust me, I know they know money isn't everything, because right now they don't even have any, but still, that made me kind of upset...
Pretty much all Russians work jobs that don't require a college degree. They make lots of money and all, but all it is, is construction or flooring for guys and office jobs for girls. Not super rewarding careers, you know... Jobs I worked when I was in college. And it's not even about the fact that I busted my butt in college for 5 years and paid a lot of money to even get this degree... It's not about feeling like I have to use it... I actually want to use it.
I'm NOT your typical Russian... I didn't grow up around them during most of my school years, so education was always very important to me, and teaching is something that I was always very passionate about and very good at. Obviously, money has NOTHING to do with it, but then again, I never cared for that either... Why is it that one of the hardest and most exhausting jobs out there pays like crap? I know it's not fair, and I guess the answer to that is that it makes up for it in the amazing, priceless feeling of knowing that you've impacted somebody's life for the rest of their life. You can't buy that...
I love teaching. I love learning. I love kids and I love people... Teaching is something that God has placed so deep inside of me that I would always be doing it no matter where I work. If it's not at a school, it's at Sylvan:), if it's not there, it's teaching Image Kids :) or teaching/preaching from a pulpit :P That's why I want to be a pastor... I want to take care of people, to impact lives, to help, to teach, to inspire, to encourage... It's my calling in life and I can't (nor do I want to) run away from it.
I always tell God that my husband better be rich because it's the only way we'll have money :P Do I really care, though? No. I want to do what I was created to do. I want to do what makes me happy. I want to do what matters... I just want to teach!!!
Pretty much all Russians work jobs that don't require a college degree. They make lots of money and all, but all it is, is construction or flooring for guys and office jobs for girls. Not super rewarding careers, you know... Jobs I worked when I was in college. And it's not even about the fact that I busted my butt in college for 5 years and paid a lot of money to even get this degree... It's not about feeling like I have to use it... I actually want to use it.
I'm NOT your typical Russian... I didn't grow up around them during most of my school years, so education was always very important to me, and teaching is something that I was always very passionate about and very good at. Obviously, money has NOTHING to do with it, but then again, I never cared for that either... Why is it that one of the hardest and most exhausting jobs out there pays like crap? I know it's not fair, and I guess the answer to that is that it makes up for it in the amazing, priceless feeling of knowing that you've impacted somebody's life for the rest of their life. You can't buy that...
I love teaching. I love learning. I love kids and I love people... Teaching is something that God has placed so deep inside of me that I would always be doing it no matter where I work. If it's not at a school, it's at Sylvan:), if it's not there, it's teaching Image Kids :) or teaching/preaching from a pulpit :P That's why I want to be a pastor... I want to take care of people, to impact lives, to help, to teach, to inspire, to encourage... It's my calling in life and I can't (nor do I want to) run away from it.
I always tell God that my husband better be rich because it's the only way we'll have money :P Do I really care, though? No. I want to do what I was created to do. I want to do what makes me happy. I want to do what matters... I just want to teach!!!
S.O.S.
I can't believe that at about the same time last year I was sending out the same message... This is exciting! My job at CollegeGear is coming to an end as the company is dissolving and outsourcing all of its business. My position is still up in the air, but I'm preparing to be out of here within the next week or so... I know this job was from God, and it was much bigger than just a job from the very start. It was more than a source of income and I was here for a greater purpose than just to make money... But I guess my time here is done, so I'm more than ready to move on to my next assignment :) God's been telling me for a while now that I'll be going back to teaching, so this seems like the perfect time, just as I'm starting to teach the NewBe class @ The Image, I'll be teaching professionally again :)! Am I scared? No, I know God is in control. He had this all planned and arranged even before I started CollegeGear :). I have His peace and His joy, and I'm actually pretty happy and excited! So this is what I'm asking you to pray for again: a SMOOTH, miraculous transition just like last year :) I know I have crazy favor, so I wouldn't expect anything less anyway. I want to work close to where I live, making MORE money than I did before ;) with the people God wants me to be around... Let His PERFECT will be done in my life :) God is SO good, so I'm expecting a great testimony to come out of this... I know He loves to glorify Himself :) He is faithful :) I love Him! Thank you for your prayers, love and support... I have the MOST amazing people in my life :) Much love!
Monkey see, monkey do :P
You know how little kids like to copy and imitate people? Well, guess what?! It doesn't go away when we grow up... We go on imitating people throughout our entire lives, whether we realize it or not. We are naturally programmed to always be looking up to and aspiring to be like someone. Children have heroes, teens have idols and adults have role models. Sadly, many of us, after being born an original, die a cheap imitation.
One of my favorite quotes is, "Surround yourself with who you want to be". Your environment is everything. Young people especially need to have someone in their lives who will say to them,"This is the way, walk in it!" Learning from your own mistakes is not always the best way, considering that some mistakes offer no second chances. Still, we are all human and even the best role models are not perfect... So much for imitating people...
I love my pastors... They are the reason I was drawn to The Image. When I first met them almost 3 years ago now, I thought John was crazy and I couldn't stand Vita. As I got to know them, I changed my mind to think that they were ok... pretty cool, but nothing special. And then, 2 summers ago everything changed... When the tragedy struck, it hit me how much I really loved and cared for them as all of a sudden I was mourning for their loss. Watching them go through the unthinkable, watching Vita's strength, grace and peace as she was dealing with the murder of her two sisters and two nephews... Hearing John speak at the funeral, watching the family continue to steadily love and trust God, and all the crazy miracles that followed in the months ahead, totally won me over. I looked at John and Vita as people who could truly say, like apostle Paul, "Follow me as I follow Christ." I wanted to be just like them. I loved, admired and respected everything about them. Now that I am their assistant and spend LOTS of time with them I know that they are not perfect... But I still want to be just like them in a sense that I want to reflect Christ like they do. They are my mentors, my role models, my heroes, my leaders, but only because the person that they are imitating is Jesus. I see their love, care and concern for me and it moves me. I see the way they love and care for others, for our (big) baby church, and it moves me more.
One of my favorite quotes is, "Surround yourself with who you want to be". Your environment is everything. Young people especially need to have someone in their lives who will say to them,"This is the way, walk in it!" Learning from your own mistakes is not always the best way, considering that some mistakes offer no second chances. Still, we are all human and even the best role models are not perfect... So much for imitating people...
I love my pastors... They are the reason I was drawn to The Image. When I first met them almost 3 years ago now, I thought John was crazy and I couldn't stand Vita. As I got to know them, I changed my mind to think that they were ok... pretty cool, but nothing special. And then, 2 summers ago everything changed... When the tragedy struck, it hit me how much I really loved and cared for them as all of a sudden I was mourning for their loss. Watching them go through the unthinkable, watching Vita's strength, grace and peace as she was dealing with the murder of her two sisters and two nephews... Hearing John speak at the funeral, watching the family continue to steadily love and trust God, and all the crazy miracles that followed in the months ahead, totally won me over. I looked at John and Vita as people who could truly say, like apostle Paul, "Follow me as I follow Christ." I wanted to be just like them. I loved, admired and respected everything about them. Now that I am their assistant and spend LOTS of time with them I know that they are not perfect... But I still want to be just like them in a sense that I want to reflect Christ like they do. They are my mentors, my role models, my heroes, my leaders, but only because the person that they are imitating is Jesus. I see their love, care and concern for me and it moves me. I see the way they love and care for others, for our (big) baby church, and it moves me more.
Our church is called The Image, the image of Christ, because we want to reflect Him... His nature, personality, character everything about Him. I want to reflect Him... So I surround myself with people who do :) I really hope that my girls feel the same way about me. I know that they know I'm not perfect (they younger ones still think I am), it didn't take them long to figure it out either, but I think they prefer it that way. I want to live my life in a way that people will look at me the way I look at John and Vita. I know I'm not them, and I don't want to be them. I know who I am and I love being myself... I want to be everything that I was created to be and do everything I was destined to do... and I know that it's only possible in Christ. He is my Creator and I'm His Creation so how can I truly be my original self without Him?
Humble people are the most trustworthy people because they are not afraid to admit that they're wrong and won't try to cover up their mistakes out of pride. They are not afraid to say that they don't know everything and that they still have a long way to go. True humility is admitting that you can't do a thing without God. It's not relying on your own talents, strengths and abilities, but trusting God's grace to guide you through. Jesus was very humble... Me? I'm still learning to imitate Him...Sunday, March 16, 2008
Ahhhhh!!!
Sorry guys, I'm working on a really cool blog right now, but I just have to get this out first!
I really hate having divorced parents... Besides the fact that it's extremely inconvenient (one on the east coast, one on the west coast) I hate being the in-between communicator. I'm actually not, because I simply refuse to do it, but nevertheless, both sets still try. It especially gets bad right before and right after one of my trips to visit whichever parent I'm staying with at the moment. They keep asking me how the other one is doing and I guess my question is, "Why do you care?" In all honesty, you are divorced, and one of you is remarried with a whole new family... You've made your choices, now live with the consequences... Yes, I realize you've spent 20+ years together, but now it's over and it's been over for several years now, so please move on and forget about each other. Checking up on and hearing about how the other one is doing is really not helping. Yes, you share 2 children, but we are adults now and are capable of having completely separate relationships with each parent. We actually prefer it that way. I love both of my parents very much and I even love my stepmom, but I hate being in between them. If you want to ask my dad something, please do it yourself! If you want to know where my mom works, call her yourself, I'll be more than happy to give you our house number! Seriously, I hate feeling like I'm the adult in my relationships with my parents! After all, who has their child translate at their parents' divorce hearing and then be a witness at their remarriage wedding?! Am I wrong?! Please tell me if I am... And then they get mad at me because I don't want to provide any information or relay messages... Sorry... You are supposed to be adults... I'm neutral territory, I plead the fifth...
My trip to Jiffy Lube today reminded me once again how I really wish I had a guy in my life to just take care of my car! LOL! Seriously, that's really important to me because I'm your typical girl when it comes to cars and I don't really like doing the "car" stuff besides driving :/...
Lastly... I miss salsa :(... Not sure if it's the people or the dancing... I know it's not the music, because I still listen to it... maybe if I stop that... It's only been a month, and it was easy at first, but now I feel drawn back... and yet I don't think it's the right time to go back, or if it ever will be. Lord help me, I really don't want to frustrate myself over this again... What gives?!
I really hate having divorced parents... Besides the fact that it's extremely inconvenient (one on the east coast, one on the west coast) I hate being the in-between communicator. I'm actually not, because I simply refuse to do it, but nevertheless, both sets still try. It especially gets bad right before and right after one of my trips to visit whichever parent I'm staying with at the moment. They keep asking me how the other one is doing and I guess my question is, "Why do you care?" In all honesty, you are divorced, and one of you is remarried with a whole new family... You've made your choices, now live with the consequences... Yes, I realize you've spent 20+ years together, but now it's over and it's been over for several years now, so please move on and forget about each other. Checking up on and hearing about how the other one is doing is really not helping. Yes, you share 2 children, but we are adults now and are capable of having completely separate relationships with each parent. We actually prefer it that way. I love both of my parents very much and I even love my stepmom, but I hate being in between them. If you want to ask my dad something, please do it yourself! If you want to know where my mom works, call her yourself, I'll be more than happy to give you our house number! Seriously, I hate feeling like I'm the adult in my relationships with my parents! After all, who has their child translate at their parents' divorce hearing and then be a witness at their remarriage wedding?! Am I wrong?! Please tell me if I am... And then they get mad at me because I don't want to provide any information or relay messages... Sorry... You are supposed to be adults... I'm neutral territory, I plead the fifth...
My trip to Jiffy Lube today reminded me once again how I really wish I had a guy in my life to just take care of my car! LOL! Seriously, that's really important to me because I'm your typical girl when it comes to cars and I don't really like doing the "car" stuff besides driving :/...
Lastly... I miss salsa :(... Not sure if it's the people or the dancing... I know it's not the music, because I still listen to it... maybe if I stop that... It's only been a month, and it was easy at first, but now I feel drawn back... and yet I don't think it's the right time to go back, or if it ever will be. Lord help me, I really don't want to frustrate myself over this again... What gives?!
Friday, March 14, 2008
Let my walk speak loud, let my words be true...
I'm back... Back in my perfect world with my perfect friends, perfect neighborhood and a perfect community of people who are just like me and who love and adore me... Ok maybe not "perfect", but close enough... I think I needed to get out...
This was a good visit... It was very different, and very moving... Before I left, John prayed for me, asking God to give me a pleasant surprise, something unexpected that would make me happy... I think God gave me several :) It was mind blowing to see God working in the lives of my friends and family. I know they were all very skeptical two years ago, probably placing bets on how long the "new Anna" will last, but as they continually saw me living my life out with consistency, without compromise, they've come to believe that what I have is real... I know it's still puzzling for them because they see that I'm still me, and they don't quite understand what happened, but I know they are happy for me and, dare I say, prefer me this way :) Even though I've had amazing talks with all my friends and family, I really didn't have to say a whole lot on this trip... I didn't preach or even mention God much... But I guess the way I live my life spoke for itself because the result was beyond what I had even hoped.
The change in April's life, Johnny's maturity and desire to come back to church, Joe's new decisions, going to church with Michellynne, bonding with my sister's boyfriend... even the change in her own life... And then making a new friend on the flight back... I can't even get into all the positive changes in my friends' lives... The friends that used to lovingly (and some not so lovingly) tease me and make fun of me before, were now seeking me out, asking for my advice, wanting my opinion, looking up to me with respect and admiration, asking me to pray for them and meaning it...
John always stresses the importance of being transparent. Of living your life in such a way that you don't have to say much, letting your life speak for itself... It's everything... having nothing to hide, always willing and ready to share your life with anyone, because it's pure and nothing needs to be censored. Am I perfect? No way, far from it! I'll be the first to admit my own struggles and weaknesses. I keep it real :) It's the only way, really... It's all or nothing.
This was a good visit... It was very different, and very moving... Before I left, John prayed for me, asking God to give me a pleasant surprise, something unexpected that would make me happy... I think God gave me several :) It was mind blowing to see God working in the lives of my friends and family. I know they were all very skeptical two years ago, probably placing bets on how long the "new Anna" will last, but as they continually saw me living my life out with consistency, without compromise, they've come to believe that what I have is real... I know it's still puzzling for them because they see that I'm still me, and they don't quite understand what happened, but I know they are happy for me and, dare I say, prefer me this way :) Even though I've had amazing talks with all my friends and family, I really didn't have to say a whole lot on this trip... I didn't preach or even mention God much... But I guess the way I live my life spoke for itself because the result was beyond what I had even hoped.
The change in April's life, Johnny's maturity and desire to come back to church, Joe's new decisions, going to church with Michellynne, bonding with my sister's boyfriend... even the change in her own life... And then making a new friend on the flight back... I can't even get into all the positive changes in my friends' lives... The friends that used to lovingly (and some not so lovingly) tease me and make fun of me before, were now seeking me out, asking for my advice, wanting my opinion, looking up to me with respect and admiration, asking me to pray for them and meaning it...
John always stresses the importance of being transparent. Of living your life in such a way that you don't have to say much, letting your life speak for itself... It's everything... having nothing to hide, always willing and ready to share your life with anyone, because it's pure and nothing needs to be censored. Am I perfect? No way, far from it! I'll be the first to admit my own struggles and weaknesses. I keep it real :) It's the only way, really... It's all or nothing.
Monday, March 10, 2008
Torn
What do you get when you take a 10 year old Russian girl and place her amongst the Latinos, Hispanics, Portuguese and African Americans for 13 years and then move her again to be surrounded by Russians and Asians? ME! Culturally confused? No, just very diverse... Coming back to RI never fails to make me extremely aware of how all of these cultures have made their mark on me.
Something else that I always become aware of is how my guy to girl friend ratio is 2:1 here. I know I've mentioned it before, but it still doesn't fail to amaze me... Never mind the fact that half of these guys wanted to sleep with me prior to my move and even now I know some of them are hoping that on one of my visits I'll be back to the wild child that I was when they knew me. Sorry, boys :), NOT happening! For the most part though, they are all my brothers whom I still have to slap around a few times when they get silly. I love my boys (and my girls, of course) very much... It's not a romantic kind of love, but a family one that says I'll do anything for you... And yet, they still break my heart... They are SUCH amazing guys and GREAT friends, but they are not happy and it hurts me to see them like lost little puppies going from one thing to the next in search of love and fulfillment... Every time I see them it's the same story with the same sad ending... I try to slap some sense into them, and they agree with what I say, yet nothing changes. They frustrate me to no end with their dating fiascoes and painful heartbreak stories. And some of my girls are the same way...
So yes, I'm enjoying my family and I'm enjoying my friends... I'm having a great time with them, but it still tears me up to see their pain, their struggles, and their needs... I want to help them, to "save" them, to just make it all better, to make all the decisions for them, but of course I know I can't... and it sucks!
Being a teacher, I'm all too familiar with the feeling of watching a student struggle with a problem that I know a solution to... And just giving them the right answer is not the right thing to do... If they are to learn they must come to that answer by themselves... I can't keep giving my friends the answers to their problems... It won't do them any good unless they come the realization of the answers on their own... I can intervene and help them and be there for them for years (and I have been), but I know that only divine intervention will truly "save" them from themselves. Hey, it happened to me... I'm a miracle and I've seen a few of my friends experience that same miracle... I know it can happen... I know God is big enough to make it happen for each one of my friends, and I believe that He will... In church this morning, when the pastor told us to tell God what we want Him to do for us and in us, my one prayer was, "Lord, I want to worship You with the people I used to party with." I know He's right on top of it... one of those people was already singing "Lord, You Are GOOD" next to me today... :)
Something else that I always become aware of is how my guy to girl friend ratio is 2:1 here. I know I've mentioned it before, but it still doesn't fail to amaze me... Never mind the fact that half of these guys wanted to sleep with me prior to my move and even now I know some of them are hoping that on one of my visits I'll be back to the wild child that I was when they knew me. Sorry, boys :), NOT happening! For the most part though, they are all my brothers whom I still have to slap around a few times when they get silly. I love my boys (and my girls, of course) very much... It's not a romantic kind of love, but a family one that says I'll do anything for you... And yet, they still break my heart... They are SUCH amazing guys and GREAT friends, but they are not happy and it hurts me to see them like lost little puppies going from one thing to the next in search of love and fulfillment... Every time I see them it's the same story with the same sad ending... I try to slap some sense into them, and they agree with what I say, yet nothing changes. They frustrate me to no end with their dating fiascoes and painful heartbreak stories. And some of my girls are the same way...
So yes, I'm enjoying my family and I'm enjoying my friends... I'm having a great time with them, but it still tears me up to see their pain, their struggles, and their needs... I want to help them, to "save" them, to just make it all better, to make all the decisions for them, but of course I know I can't... and it sucks!
Being a teacher, I'm all too familiar with the feeling of watching a student struggle with a problem that I know a solution to... And just giving them the right answer is not the right thing to do... If they are to learn they must come to that answer by themselves... I can't keep giving my friends the answers to their problems... It won't do them any good unless they come the realization of the answers on their own... I can intervene and help them and be there for them for years (and I have been), but I know that only divine intervention will truly "save" them from themselves. Hey, it happened to me... I'm a miracle and I've seen a few of my friends experience that same miracle... I know it can happen... I know God is big enough to make it happen for each one of my friends, and I believe that He will... In church this morning, when the pastor told us to tell God what we want Him to do for us and in us, my one prayer was, "Lord, I want to worship You with the people I used to party with." I know He's right on top of it... one of those people was already singing "Lord, You Are GOOD" next to me today... :)
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
Breathe, Stretch, Shake, Let It Go...
So far I can say that this visit is different than any of the other ones I've taken here... There's a different feeling about it... Even before I left, the words I kept hearing were "enjoy" and "fun". And even though I've always enjoyed and had fun on my visits, this is the first time I didn't feel like I was stepping into a war zone.
The flight was different all by itself. I actually slept through the whole trip (thanks to my ipod - not sure if it's a good thing) and didn't make any new friends along the way (unlike me, I know). As soon as I got off the plane I found a vending machine that sold Starbucks Frappachinos (I refuse to drink Dunkin Donuts) and it cracked me up to see how I was becoming more and more of a coffee snob since moving to Seattle.
I reserved today to be a low key family day before disappearing to spend each moment with my friends, and it had some surprises... Turns out that today was the 3rd year anniversary for Sveta and my dad (I was a witness at their wedding, but I forgot). So Tanya (my stepsister) and I babysat Sophia (my half sister) while they went out to dinner.
Sophia got so big! I'll post pictures on fb pretty soon :) she is SO adorable! She totally recognized me and was all about me the entire day, my name always on her lips :) She totally melted me with all her sweet hugs and attention :) She is VERY excited to have me here!
Tanya gave me a surprise too... She moved in with her boyfriend and is no longer living at the house, so I'm actually staying in my old room now... which is a little odd... When she came over to babysit with me, the first few moments were a bit awkward between us, but in short, not much has changed... As my dad was hugging me before they left, I could sense that even though he didn't quite understand, he was grateful that at least now I was the "good" child...
In conclusion, as I'm about to hit the sack in my old bed, in my old room, I've decided to just enjoy this visit... Enjoy my family, enjoy my friends, enjoy my time in this city with the people I love and just have fun. I know God is in control and He is giving me peace. I have peace about my family and my friends, and that's all I need and want right now :)
The flight was different all by itself. I actually slept through the whole trip (thanks to my ipod - not sure if it's a good thing) and didn't make any new friends along the way (unlike me, I know). As soon as I got off the plane I found a vending machine that sold Starbucks Frappachinos (I refuse to drink Dunkin Donuts) and it cracked me up to see how I was becoming more and more of a coffee snob since moving to Seattle.
I reserved today to be a low key family day before disappearing to spend each moment with my friends, and it had some surprises... Turns out that today was the 3rd year anniversary for Sveta and my dad (I was a witness at their wedding, but I forgot). So Tanya (my stepsister) and I babysat Sophia (my half sister) while they went out to dinner.
Sophia got so big! I'll post pictures on fb pretty soon :) she is SO adorable! She totally recognized me and was all about me the entire day, my name always on her lips :) She totally melted me with all her sweet hugs and attention :) She is VERY excited to have me here!
Tanya gave me a surprise too... She moved in with her boyfriend and is no longer living at the house, so I'm actually staying in my old room now... which is a little odd... When she came over to babysit with me, the first few moments were a bit awkward between us, but in short, not much has changed... As my dad was hugging me before they left, I could sense that even though he didn't quite understand, he was grateful that at least now I was the "good" child...
In conclusion, as I'm about to hit the sack in my old bed, in my old room, I've decided to just enjoy this visit... Enjoy my family, enjoy my friends, enjoy my time in this city with the people I love and just have fun. I know God is in control and He is giving me peace. I have peace about my family and my friends, and that's all I need and want right now :)
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