Spice Boys (And Girls) of Salsa (Take II)

Generally speaking, we are all sexual beings who have a need for (physical) human contact, yet we all engage in social dancing for different reasons. The trick is to decipher who is there to pick up the opposite (or same) sex, get you to buy lessons, get some exercise, or really just to dance, have fun, and improve their skills. To be fair, quite a few of the people really are there to practice and get better at their dance, especially those who are just starting out and those who've been at it for a while. But why are they doing it?

For guys, it's simple: to meet girls, which is why at least half, if not all, of the men are there. I mean, come on, in what other place can you just approach a girl, ask her to dance and then hold her hands, at the very least, (depending on the type of dance/song) for about 3-5 minutes? And if you’re really lucky (or good looking) you might even get a name and some conversation out of her. It helps if you smile and make us laugh. It really helps if you actually know what you’re doing. I don't care how much the guys say they enjoy the music, or the dance moves, let's get real... if it didn't include the whole "dancing with a girl" part, how many guys would still be there? Not many...

For girls, it's a bit more complex just because we are very different from the guys. Most of us (with a few exceptions of course) are there to enjoy the music, the dancing, and to hang out with our friends, both guys and girls. However, we would still be there without the guys, enjoying each other's company, dancing with our girl friends and making new ones. We also tend to be not as aggressive as the guys in asking for dances and pursuing your interest. Are motives and interests are more social and music/dance related than romantic and/or sexual.

So now, possessing such information, one needs to decide how to appropriately respond to and interact with the different groups of people in the dancing community. Let’s start with the easiest category, The Beginners. Since they really are there to learn, give them a break and dance with them. Be nice and encouraging, who knows, they might get really good really fast and become one of your favorite partners! If they do however try to flirt or get your number, politely decline and avoid any future dances, unless they are really hot and you are really interested. Moving on to Dancing as Exercise, this one is also pretty easy, just enjoy the workout! The men in this category are often the sweatiest and smelliest. Don’t expect them to ask you out unless you actually provide them with a workout, or are really hot. This category can also include people who are there because they really do enjoy the music and the dance itself. They are there to dance, period.

Next, The Pros, people who are there generally to practice, show off, sell you lessons or promote themselves and their own venues. Don’t expect them to dance with you unless they already know you, or (as a girl) you’re dressed incredibly skanky. Any guy will do anything to get his hands on a barely clad hot body. Actually being an outstanding follow helps. Note the word “outstanding”.

The last category, people who are there to pick up and hook up, actually includes (some, not all) guys and girls from all the other categories. They are not there to have “guy time” or "girl time" or meet more guy/girl friends, they are there to meet and dance with the opposite sex. And this is how it works: They ask you to dance, ask for your name, smile, flirt, make you laugh, compliment you, maybe even teach you some moves. Then they start to sit with you when you’re not dancing, talk to you, learn about you, trying to get you to feel closer, more comfortable with them. After that, their dance with you might get a little sexier, they’ll start to test their (and your) boundaries, the flirting will turn up a notch, the attraction, the chemistry, the rhythm, it’s all there, and you’re hooked. That’s when you’ll start seeking each other out on and off the dance floor, phone calls, texts, Facebook messages – Are you coming out tonight? At which point this can go one of two ways: You either admit your exclusive interest for each other and start dating (this rarely happens, and if it does, it doesn’t usually last for long - I've seen so many people hook up and break up, it's ridiculous), or you look around, evaluate the situation and see that they are literally doing this with several (if not more) other girls/guys. How are you supposed to compete with that?! Should you even bother and is it even worth it?

As a friend of mine eloquently stated, guys have picking up chicks down to a formula. The girl is pretty much the only variable that keeps changing and rotating in and out. Another friend of mine said that guys are simple: if you’re pretty and can carry on a conversation, guys are interested. If you dress hot and can shake it on the dance floor, guys are very interested. So how does a girl handle all this male attention without falling head over heels and getting her heart broken when she realizes they’re not serious? From my own personal experience, the key is to be objective and not to get emotionally involved. I made the mistake of getting emotionally involved once, and it has literally messed me (and my dancing) up for months. I thought I was something special, somehow different from all the other girls, but I was just another variable in his formula. So yea, having learned from that experience, I can tell you to just use your head. Watch how they interact with other dancers… Do they treat them the same way they treat you? Are you really “special” or just the flavor of the week? Some guys/girls are just players and there’s nothing you can do about that. You can still dance with them and enjoy their company (and good looks), just be fully aware that that’s as far as it goes. Leave it on the dance floor, and keep your heart out of it.

It really is possible to actually make friends with the people you dance with. I’ve met and befriended many guys at salsa, even those who initially did try to “pick me up”. What works for me is clearly setting boundaries right at the beginning and letting them know that there’s just no way you’ll ever have anything even remotely romantic (or sexual) with them. As a result, you can go out there and enjoy dancing with some great dancers, who can also be great friends once they start looking at you as more of a sister/brother than their next hook up. I have many “brothers” at salsa, which only adds to my enjoyment of it. So when the dancing gets hot and spicy, you just gotta remember to keep it simple, keep it clean, and keep it pure :)!

The (Mis) Connection

For the last two Tuesdays I've been dancing a new dance: Blues. I've known about it for a while, but was always skeptical about trying it because it just looked so sensual/sexual (as sexual beings, I think none of us can truly separate the two). It was just too close, something I was completely uncomfortable with, especially with strangers. When I finally did try it two weeks ago, I was surprised at how much fun it was and how much I loved it. It let me use all the dance skills I had: hip hop, tango, salsa, swing... And it was totally improvised, which I love, because there's nothing as fun as "doing your own thing". Dancing with friends was awesome since they already knew my style (and my 6 inch rule :P). Dancing with the new people I met was very fun too (once I've informed them of the 6 inch rule and didn't have to fight them while trying to push them away the whole time). So yea, my first official night of dancing the blues was fun, exciting, and thrilling. I thought I was hooked... Until a week later.

Last night was different and made me realize a couple of things. One, I'm a great dancer. Two, I'm a sucky blues dancer. I can definitely move, and I can most certainly follow, but when it comes to blues, I refuse to play by the rules. Apparently, there are "rules" to dancing blues (even though the dance is improv), and I learned them last night while dancing with an actual blues DJ/instructor. Even before that though, I could sense that something was off... I wasn't connecting with the music and feeling the beat because I was either having too much fun acting out or too distracted by my partner trying to hold me too close. At the end of the night, when I finally got my "lesson", everything became clear. Here's a rough sketch of how it went:

We just started dancing, and I thought I was doing really well...

Him: Can I make a suggestion?
Me: Sure, go for it!
Him: It feels like you're pushing me away.
Me (thinking): I am.
Him: We are not connected.
Me (thinking): I don't want to connect with you, I just want to dance.
And, BOOM, there's the problem... Same issue I have with tango... Love it, but refuse to do the "close embrace" where the girl fully leans against the guy's chest/stomach and their bodies are literally connected/aligned on one side so that every move the lead makes transcends to the follow. It's an amazing concept and works marvelously, as my teacher later demonstrated it for me all its glory. I have to admit, it makes a HUGE difference and I totally get the what, why and how, but I still can't do it. Even after being a good student, dancing the "proper" way, and seeing what an improvement it made in my dancing, I still wanted to dance "my way". I felt the connection alright, and that was the problem... I didn't want to.

We connect with people/things on various levels: intellectual, emotional, social, spiritual, and of course, physical. Every person/thing in our life makes an impact on us and leaves its mark, however big or small it might be. Whether we meet a person, read a book, watch a movie, or hear a song, something in us (our feelings, memories, desires, experiences, etc.) makes a connection that leaves an impression that stays in our heart and on our mind (for a certain amount of time anyway).

I have no problem making intellectual and social connections, but when it comes to spiritual, emotional and physical, I tend to guard myself a great deal. Not so much with girls, but very much so with guys. I consider myself to be a very open person and I'll reach out to just about anyone, but there are still parts of myself that I reserve only for "that special someone". That physical connection is one thing... I only want to have it with one person... I think it's pretty special... The emotional connection is another thing... I want "my guy" to be only one who knows me on that level, to be the only one for whom I feel these feelings and allow myself to be that vulnerable with.

Maybe it's just me... Even though I know it's not... Maybe I'll get more comfortable if I let myself "loosen up"... In fact, I know I can, but I just don't want to... Call it high standards, call it being conservative, prude, whatever... I'm sure my future someone will appreciate me "saving" myself for him :) Even in little things, like dancing in a certain way, letting someone hold me so close, touch me like that, me feeling certain things... It's a big deal to me... I know I don't do bachata justice, I know I don't do tango justice, and now I think I probably don't do blues justice either... But I think it's ok. Am I going to keep dancing? I think so... But my way :) and with people who understand... There's only one person I really want to "connect" with on all levels :)

Spice Boys (Men of Salsa)

As much as I’d like to say that they are all the same, they’re not. Generally, as men, they are all the same because they are all driven by their hormones, but they all come out to dance for different reasons. The trick is to decipher who is there to pick up chicks, get you to buy lessons, get some exercise, or really just to dance, have fun, and improve their skills. To be fair, quite a few of the guys really are there to practice and get better at their dance, especially those who are just starting out and those who've been at it for a while. But why are they doing it? Simple: to meet girls, which is why at least half, if not all, of the men are there. I mean, come on, in what other place can you just approach a girl, ask her to dance and then hold her hands, at the very least, (depending on the type of dance/song) for about 3-5 minutes? And if you’re really lucky (or good looking) you might even get a name and some conversation out of her. It helps if you smile and make us laugh. It really helps if you actually know what you’re doing.

So now, possessing such information, as a girl, you need to decide how to respond to these “salsa guys”. Let’s start with the easiest category, Beginners. Since they really are there to learn, give them a break and dance with them. Be nice and encouraging, who knows, they might get really good really fast and become one of your favorite leads! If they do however try to flirt or get your number, politely decline and avoid any future dances, unless they are really hot and you are really interested. Moving on to Dancing as Exercise, this one is also pretty easy, just enjoy the workout! Take note however, these guys are often the sweatiest and smelliest. Don’t expect them to ask you out unless you actually provide them with a workout, or are really hot. This category can also include guys who are there because they really do enjoy the music and the dance itself. But let's get real... if it didn't include the "dancing with a girl" part, they wouldn't be there. What guy wants to salsa with a guy? Next, the Pros, people who are there generally to show off, sell you lessons or promote themselves and their own venues. Don’t expect them to dance with you unless they already know you, or you’re dressed incredibly skanky. Any guy will do anything to get his hands on a barely clad hot body. Actually being an outstanding follow helps. Note the word “outstanding”.

The last category, guys who are there to pick up chicks, actually includes all the other categories, because as I said earlier, that is the essential motive of all guys who dance. They are not there to have “guy time” or meet more guy friends, they are there to meet and dance with girls. And this is how it works: They ask you to dance, ask for your name, smile, flirt, make you giggle, compliment you, maybe even teach you some moves. Then they start to sit with you when you’re not dancing, talk to you, learn about you, trying to get you to feel closer, more comfortable with them. After that, their dance with you might get a little sexier, they’ll start to test their (and your) boundaries, the flirting will turn up a notch, the attraction, the chemistry, the rhythm, it’s all there, and you’re hooked. That’s when you’ll start seeking each other out on and off the dance floor, phone calls, texts, Facebook messages – Are you coming out tonight? At which point this can go one of two ways: You either admit your exclusive interest for each other and start dating (this rarely, if ever, happens, and if it does, it doesn’t usually last for long - I've seen so many people hook up and break up, it's ridiculous), or you look around, evaluate the situation and see that he is literally doing this with several (if not more) other girls. How are you supposed to compete with that?! Should you even bother and is it even worth it?

As a friend of mine eloquently stated, guys have picking up chicks down to a formula. The girl is pretty much the only variable that keeps changing and rotating in and out. Another friend of mine said that guys are simple: if you’re pretty and can carry on a conversation, guys are interested. If you dress hot and can shake it on the dance floor, guys are very interested. So how does a girl handle all this male attention without falling head over heels and getting her heart broken when she realizes they’re not serious? From my own personal experience, the key is to be objective and not to get emotionally involved. I made the mistake of getting emotionally involved once, and it has literally messed me (and my dancing) up for months. I thought I was something special, somehow different from all the other girls… And when he said, “I like you”, I assumed it meant “More than anybody else.” Turns out I was wrong. I was just another girl variable in his perfected formula of meeting girls at salsa… So yea, learning from that experience I can tell you to just use your head. Watch how he interacts with other girls… Does he treat them the same way he treats you? Are you really “special” or just the flavor of the week? Some guys are just players and there’s nothing you can do about that. You can still dance with them and enjoy their company (and good looks), just be fully aware that that’s as far as it goes. Leave it on the dance floor, and keep your heart out of it.

It really is possible to actually make friends with the guys you dance with. I’ve met and befriended many guys at salsa, even those who initially did try to “pick me up”. What works for me is clearly setting boundaries right at the beginning and letting them know that there’s just no way you’ll ever have anything even remotely romantic (or sexual) with them. As a result, you can go out there and enjoy dancing with some great dancers, who can also be great guys once they start looking at you as more of a sister than their next hook up. I have many “brothers” at salsa, which only adds to my enjoyment of it. So when the dancing gets hot and spicy, you just gotta remember to keep it simple, keep it clean, and keep it pure :)!

Hot Dads

There are a lot of them at the school where the 6 year old I nanny goes... It was quite shocking for me at first to see them there... Dropping off and picking up their kids, being in the classroom, on the playground, holding backpacks, lunch boxes and art projects... It's very fascinating. It was like, you're (semi) young, (very) good looking, well dressed, and a dad?! Naturally, my next question was, are you also a husband?! A quick glance at their left hand ring finger assured me that most of them, in fact, were. Aww, how sweet! A few of them, however, were missing that gold/platinum band... Hmm... so are you a big brother then? An uncle? A babysitter? A single dad? A widow? A divorced parent? In any case, the absence of a wedding band on a ring finger means single, which also often means available. Which then gets me thinking, would I, could I, should I? Be with someone who already has a child, that is...

There are already so many things to consider when it comes to dating, and throwing a child into the mix makes it all the more complicated... Baby mama drama is one thing... The circumstances are everything. I don't think I've ever had a serious crush on or seriously considered dating someone who already had a child from a previous relationship/marriage. Just too complicated I guess... Never appealed to me no matter how good looking the guy was. Not that I'm ruling it out completely, but it just seems so hard!

I haven't really connected with many parents at the school yet, even though I see them everyday. I think the fact that I'm not an actual "parent" has something to do with it. I also haven't been hit on by any dads, with or without a wedding band. Thank God, because that would have been just awkward. But still, you never know, and I must admit that I find at least one of those "single" dads very attractive. If it turns out that we actually talk and connect, and he can dance... But it's too much to think about right now... I was just toying with this cool idea in my head, that there are a lot of really cool, hot dads out there who also happen to be very cool, hot husbands :) It gives me hope... It's just encouraging :)

Kids... So Selfish!

As many of you know, I get to work with kids all day at both of my jobs, nannying and Sylvan. Fun jobs, fun kids, good times :) I totally love doing what I do, because I get to see the "human nature" in its perhaps most "unrefined" form. It's always refreshingly shocking and amusing to see how kids reflect what all of us really are on the inside...selfish!

I've never had a problem with an 11 month old Tommy being selfish, because he's baby, he's right, the world really does revolve around him and his needs. I do get a bit annoyed when my 3 (now 4) year old Mikey tries to throw a selfish fit, though. In an effort to teach him that the world does not, in fact, revolve around him and that he needs to be aware and considerate of the wants and needs that others around him have, I've been making it a point to sometimes deny him certain things if his only reason is "But I want to!" or "But I don't want to!" It's not because I'm mean or don't love him, but because the kid's got to learn! Every once in a while, just to mess with him, I'll respond with my own "But I want to!" or "But I don't want to!" so that he'll understand what it's like to not always get what you want because of your consideration for others. I think it's working :)

It's normal for kids to be selfish when they're young, but when are they supposed to grow out of it? At what age do they begin to realize that it is indeed better to give than to receive, that sometimes one needs to lay aside their own personal wants and needs for a sacrifice of a greater good? Somehow I remember always being aware of that "self sacrifice" concept growing up. Blame it on either a "culture of love songs" or "religion", but it got the job done. About a month ago though, I had a Study Skills student at Sylvan who really got me concerned about what this world is coming to in terms of selfish kids growing up to be selfish adults... I think she was either a freshman or a sophomore in high school and we were doing a lesson on setting goals and priorities. At the end of the lesson, she needed to answer a question: What would you die for? Her answer: Nothing. To help the girl out, I asked her what she would live for instead. Her answer: Myself. She then went on to explain that she didn't think there was anything she would be willing to die for and that she was only living for herself and what made her happy. I just kind of sat there, stunned, staring at her for a minute and then just had her move on to something else because I couldn't tell her what I was really thinking: What a sad little girl... What a sad life...

Selfish people don't make very good friends, and they make terrible spouses... It's just hard to be around them, to live with them... And it's also hard for them to live with themselves... Selfish people are often negative, pessimistic, sad, lonely and depressed. No wonder, since all of their focus is on themselves... It's pretty ironic that when you spend so much time and energy trying to make yourself happy, all your efforts fall short and all you're left with is an acute realization of how big that hole in your soul really is...

So where does true fulfillment, satisfaction, love and happiness come from? Well, like Jesus said, it comes from laying your life down for others, from loving and serving others... From living an "unselfish" life... From taking yourself off the throne of your life and putting God there... Having your life revolve around Him... And guess what? He's all about loving other people :) So who would you die for? My neighbor... Who would you live for? My neighbor...

Encounter This!

I love my church. There are no "buts", "ifs" or "ands" about it. No matter how different we all are, no matter our age, experience, culture, education, no matter how annoyed and frustrated I sometimes get with the way things are done, no matter the "Russian mind set", no matter how unorganized and last minute meetings and events can sometimes be, no matter all the craziness and chaos, we all know how to do at least one thing very well, and that is to roll up our sleeves, and all work relentlessly as one for a common cause :)

I really saw that this weekend at the Women's Encounter Retreat. It was pretty much one of the most intense experiences of my life that has brought out of me the strength I didn't even know I had. Even though I have been to several encounters before, this was the first time I was serving in one as a leader/speaker.

This encounter was so "spontaneous" for me, so unplanned, in a sense that I wasn't able to go to any meetings about it, was out of town right before it, and only had 2 days to prepare 2 messages that I would be delivering to 30+ young girls/women. However, speaking was only a small part of my role in this encounter. Taking confession, going over topic forms, praying with and for the girls, and casting out demons were things that I've never done before and wasn't quite prepared to do on a moment's notice. Sure, I pray for people on a regular basis, but the intensity of this was times a thousand, because everything was so deep, so personal, so close to home... Most of these girls I've known for years, some of them were even my former students, and the rest were friends... It was such an honor to speak into their lives, to share my life with them, teach them, pray for them, work with them, minister to them... To have them listen to me, trust me, open up to me, love me... It made an impact.

So the last 2 days, roughly 16 hours, were filled with so much emotional, physical and mental hard work, so many tears, but also so much joy, that I wouldn't have traded them for anything. I absolutely love encounters... to see young girls get set free and delivered from issues that have been causing them pain, holding them back, tearing them up and destroying their lives, to see God just manifesting His love and power in their lives, healing them inside and out, watching them being transformed by Him right before my eyes... It's really indescribable...

Yet, for me, it was also semi bittersweet... As I was ministering to these girls, my mind and heart kept going back to the people I love who weren't there, yet needed to be. To the broken and the hurting who instead of turning to God to heal their pain, turned on themselves in sadness, depression and anger... It almost wasn't fair that while I was there, at the encounter, helping young girls, I couldn't help the people that my heart was truly breaking for... So I just prayed and asked God to minister to them the same way I was ministering to these girls...

So yea... I love my church... I love my pastors... I love our leaders... I love our "people"... We are such family... That's really the best way of putting it :)

The Shack

I can't say that many things have "changed my life". Only one thing (person) has actually - Jesus :) However, there are a few things, books in particular, that have changed my outlook on life, my thinking, my heart... The Shack, by William P. Young, is the most recent of those things. This book seriously rocked me to the core and I recommended it to literally everyone. I've given this book to a lot of my friends for Christmas and it's been very exciting to hear how much they are loving it as well :) So without giving the plot (completely) away, here are some of the lessons I learned:


*God the Father, Jesus, and Holy Spirit
I've always struggled with separating the three, and this book paints a beautiful picture of their (very distinct) roles and personalities. Their character is consistant though :) As it should be, since all three are "God"!

*Relationships
God's relationship with us and our relationships with other people... It's beautiful, inspiring and touching... God loves people more than anything... All people. Relationships can hurt, but they can also heal and save :)

*Why bad things happen to good people
In short, we all live in an imperfect broken world where none of us are immune from pain and other things that are caused by sin. If not our own, then the sins of others... Such is life... The solution? Jesus :)

*Love, Faith, Grace, Hope, Forgiveness, and all that good stuff :)
The timing of grace... Loving others with the same love God loves us... It's a process, a journey, not an event... Not giving up... Going out on a limb... Becoming all things to all people... Thinking outside the box... Coming down to others' level... Humility... Sacrifice... The list can go on and on...

This book is considered very controversial, and with good reason I suppose... For a work of fiction, it deals with some pretty heavy theological stuff and touchy life issues. It will mess with you. So read with discernment, but also with an open heart and let God use it to speak to you, touch you, heal you, comfort you, and love you...

Salsa Musings

I've been dancing a lot lately :) and I love it! I think I've finally made my peace with it and accepted it for what it is: a God given desire and gift :) Some people are singers, some are musicians, some are both, and I am a dancer :) It truly is both a gift and a skill. After all, even our natural gifts need to be sharpened.

Even though dancing has all sorts of bad associations tagged with it (esp. in the Russian/Christian community), I will no longer let it affect my feelings towards it. I may be completely misunderstood by some, labeled and shunned by others, but God knows my heart and I know my heart, and it's pure :)

So here's what I've been picking up on the last few weeks:

*I really enjoy being challenged by amazing leads. I used to be intimidated by and afraid to dance with people who are really good, but now I have enough confidence to know that I can follow almost anyone.

*Leading is hard! Since I started learning how to lead (I only know a few basic moves, turns, spins and combinations) I've developed a new appreciation for leads. While I enjoy leading my friends, I can still feel the pressure of being responsible of their moves. Ha ha and also annoyance when I do my part, but they mess up theirs. It can be frustrating, so I'm glad I'm only doing it for fun :P

*I really don't like dancing with beginners. I know it sounds awful, especially since we were all beginners at some point, but I feel like for guys it's different. You can't lead another person when you don't know what you're doing yourself. Yes, they need to practice, but maybe with someone on their own level or with an instructor. I'm always kind and patient when I dance with them, but sometimes I get really annoyed and just want to lead them instead! And I'm sure that my face gives me away because "What the heck are you doing?" must be written all over it. However, if they are cute, I don't mind too much because then there's usually more talking than dancing going on anyway.

*I'd rather dance with friends than with strangers any day. I've had enough bad experiences dancing with strangers that now I usually just say no to people I don't know, unless I've watched them dance before. It's not me be being snobbish... just cautious.

So yea, dancing is a lot of fun! Especially when you're doing it with friends :) I got the pleasure of introducing it to a lot of people, and they all loved it... It's a good way to be social, enjoy music and even get some exercise :) Try it!