The "Parent" Experience

Ever since I started nannying, I've felt like I've been going through a really bazaar "parent" experience that I was not ready for in any way, shape or form.

It started with Connor, a cute tiny little 5 month old who happened to fall in love with me and vice versa. Every time we would go out, I would get complimented on how cute “my son” looks. People would just assume he was mine, which bothered me because, as cute as he was, he wasn’t mine, and I didn’t want to be thought of as a “mother” or a single parent because I wasn’t wearing a wedding band. I’m not sure why, but I really hated the idea of random people I passed by on the street thinking this stuff about me. So I was just like, umm, thanks, but he’s not mine, so I can’t take the credit, I didn’t make him. I felt like I should be wearing a “NANNY” sign or something. Don’t get me wrong, I totally want to be a parent one day and have my own little bundle of joy to carry around and show off, but I'm pretty sure I want to be a wife first, so let's take it one thing at a time...

Fast forward to my current job: taking care of three adorable blue eyed boys who look like they could totally be mine (minus the blond hair). How many times have I been mistaken for their mom? Countless, although I’m hoping the parents at school know I’m just a nanny since the “real” mom occasionally drops off and picks up the oldest boy, Bennett. I just feel so out of place being there…at the school I mean. I see all those parents, both moms and dads in equal numbers, waiting for their kids, taking them to their classes, watching them play on the playground, and I feel so left out…Like I don't belong there... I can't even talk to them... I’m not like them… I’m not a parent… I don’t have my own flesh and blood out there on the swings…

So sure, it can be weird and frustrating sometimes, but it's also nice in a way... It gives me hope... Hope of all the wonderful things I have to look forward to... I love seeing dads with wedding bands on their left hand... It gives me hope of one day having a wonderful husband who will also be a wonderful father :) I mean they're out there... To look at the bright side, I'm getting a TON of experience, and it's not only educational, but fun :) I'm enjoying the "pretending" for now, but also definitely looking forward to the real thing ;)

I love you...

I just got the new (the only?) Brandon Heath CD and at first was pretty disappointed to discover that the only song on there that I liked was the one playing on the radio… Don’t you hate that? However, after faithfully (and dutifully) listening to it a few times, a few other songs have caught my attention. They didn’t have a catchy beat and sound and were a bit more mellow than what I usually go for, but their words went deep and hit me hard. Here are the lyrics to the two that I especially liked, because they struck a cord in my heart that’s been extra sensitive lately…

Love is

Love is not proud…
Love does not boast…
Love, after all, matters the most…
Love does not run…
Love does not hide…
Love does not keep itself locked inside…
Love is the river that flows through…
Love never fails you…

Love will sustain…
Love will provide…
Love will not cease due to time…
Love will protect…
Love always hopes…
Love still believes when you don’t…
Love is the arms that are holding you…
Love never fails you…

Nothing is greater than this…
‘Cause love is right here…
Love is alive…
Love is the Way, the Truth, the Life…
Love is the river that flows through…
Love never fails you…

I’ve been dealing with love a lot lately… Faith, hope and love… Can’t have one without the others… Faith is the opposite of fear. I’m stacking all my chips against my greatest fear… I’m all in… Faith gives me hope… And love is what gives life to faith… And so I love, believe and hope…

Listen up

Listen up, listen up…
No talking…
Listen up, listen up…
I’m listening now…

Why are you crying?
Did I say something wrong?
Weren’t we just talking?
Tell me what’s going on…
‘Cuz I’m pretty sure, my intentions,
Were nothing more than conversation…

Maybe I spoke too soon,
Maybe I said too much,
I think it’s time to listen up,
I’ve already said enough….

Sometimes I do this…
Thing is, I’m so afraid…
When it gets quiet…
What you might have to say…

‘Cuz I’m guilty of overcompensation,
I’m lost in my own translation
I apologize, I know…
I don’t want a word to get in the way... of you...
I’m listening…

I think I said everything I can… maybe even too much… I’m listening now, but you’re not talking…

FREEDOM!!!

My friends and I are the funnest, craziest people I know. Seriously, we have NO inhibitions! It's like, you'd think we're totally drunk, but we're completely sober. I can think of so many snapshots of us just having a blast while being ourselves and the people around us be like... OK you guys are CRAZY! Karaoke is a good place to start, but even that is kicking it up a notch. How about just hanging out downtown by the space needle and taking pictures of ourselves jumping off the fountain? Or videotaping ourselves dancing at Triple Door? Another favorite is being very animated while playing games (Jenga) at bubble tea... No matter what we do, we do it with passion, giving it our all. We are absolutely silly, affectionate, playful and fun, and we don't care :P We feel completely and totally free being ourselves 24/7 and it's fantastic!

So what's the big deal? Well, for one, I don't remember ever being able to be so free BC (before Christ) without having at least one shot of something strong in me. I've also met a lot of people who are just in awe of our freedom, but who, for some reason or another, do not possess it themselves. I've been thinking about why that is, and this is what I came up with:

* We are LOVED :) You can only love freely if you know that you are loved :) And not even necessarily by the object of your love, but loved in general. We love God, we love life, we love people and we love each other :)

* We know who we are :) Our identity lies in our creator, we know who we are, what we want and the purpose and meaning of our lives. We are secure and confident, needing no other approval than that of our Heavenly Father, and we know that we are adored by Him :)

The Bible says that where the spirit of the Lord is, there's freedom. His spirit lives inside of us, we know the truth and it has set us free even in some of the most practical ways you can think of :) It's very liberating to have the freedom to let loose, let go, and enjoy the simple things in life without worrying that you're acting like a child... It's good to be a child sometimes and know that you have the approval of your Father...

Sing like no one is listening, dance like no one is watching, work like you don't need the money, love like you've never been hurt, and live like it's heaven on earth...

Making Waves

I’ve never been the one to just blend in and conform. I enjoy being different, one of a kind...controversial even. My individualism and personality have exploded since I gave my life to Jesus, which only makes sense since He is the one who created me. Ever since then, I’ve been discovering who I am, who I was created to be, my destiny, and most importantly who and what I believe in.

The latter has been shaken, stretched, tested and molded over the years, especially in the past few months as I was going through one hell of a storm that wiped away everything that wasn’t rock solid in my life. Basically it left me with nothing but unyielding faith and love for God. In the process, I’ve come to change and adjust some of my beliefs and outlooks on life, and here’s just a small taste of what I came up with:

I don’t believe in cookie-cutter Chirtianity or a God who fits neatly within three points of any given sermon. I don’t believe in formulas or principles anymore. I believe in love and I believe in grace. I believe in relationships. I believe in forgiveness, redemption and restoration of broken lives. I believe in second, third, fourth and infinite chances. I believe in patience. I believe in humility. I believe in Jesus as a person and not a product that needs to be advertised and sold at a discount price. I don’t believe that God owes us anything, but it is us who owe Him everything. I’ve discovered that it’s not about church, preachers, leaders or even theology...it’s about the love of God tangibly acted out on people and through people. It’s about serving and laying down one’s life daily. It’s a sacrifice that comes back to repay in ways never thought, imagined or expected… It’s the only thing worth living for.

Triple Door

So I just got back from another super fun Sunday night at Triple Door with Mike and Ulu... I love Triple Door! Where else can you get free live music and salsa dancing in an upbeat, fun, trendy/chill environment? Here are some random thoughts before I hit the sack cuz I'm super tired...

* I hate dancing with guys who just want to show off. I will literally stop dancing with them, put my hands on my hips and be like... Are you done? It's even worse when they try some fancy stuff that I can't follow and then say something like, "Sorry, this floor is just so crowded..." No, you just suck.

* I saw a guy I once went out with tonight. I don't know if he recognized me, but he was clearly on a date so he didn't come over. It was actually pretty hilarious, they were both quite intoxicated and all over each other on the dance floor. It was very inappropriate and gross, but I got a good laugh out of it. I remember him trying to put the moves on me one time and I shut him down so fast it left his head spinning. Thank God that was the end of that. Yuk! I actually still had his number, so I texted him "Get a room!" Haha can't wait till he gets it!

* I love watching couples dance. And by couples I mean people who are "together" as in dating, married and whatnot... They have such chemistry, such fluidity on the dance floor... They are so at ease with each other and truly dance as one. It looks so good! Yet, they also make dancing look fun and playful. I love it!

* I still got it! Whatever that means... I can dance and have fun and be all hot and spicy and turn heads :) I love being a girl!

Well Deserved

In light of a recent heartbreak, it seems like almost all of my (well-meaning) friends have tried to comfort me (to no avail) with the line “He doesn’t deserve you”. At the time, I think I might have managed a “yea” or an “uh huh” for a response, but now, the more I think about it, the more nauseated I become. I’m particularly sick of hearing these lines: “Wait for someone who truly deserves you,” and “You deserve better.” Better what?!?! Looks? Personality? Style? Social skills? Come on! By whose standards and who are you to judge anyway?

Now, I’m pretty great, but I’m no walk in the park by any means. I’m stubborn, sarcastic, and often in need of a filter for my blunt mouth that doesn’t know when to stay shut. I love the saying, “If you can’t handle me at my worst then you certainly don’t deserve me at my best” because that seems to be more of a case with me. Finding a guy who can “handle” me, never mind “deserve” me, would be nice…

Back to the “deserving” thing... Who is to say who deserves what and what is this “deserving” factor based on? Is it something we can earn or is it just who we are? I look at my friends’ lists of their “ideal mates” and it makes me gag. Virgin, healthy Christian family and a stable home life are just a few of the demands that I do not fit. Sure, some of them I’ve messed up by choice, but others I had no control over. Either way, it is what it is now and cannot be changed. For the longest time I used to think that I didn’t deserve a husband who was a virgin because I wasn’t one myself. Of course now I realize that’s just a bunch of crap. I look at my own list of qualities that I desire in my future mate and it’s nothing but character and personality: loving, honest, kind, witty, compassionate, responsible, sensitive, fun, smart, affectionate, intelligent, and so on. Of course at the center of it all stands one thing that defines the rest: loves Jesus. Without it, the rest cannot exist.

We do not “deserve” much of what happens to us in life, and unfortunately, some of those things have an impact on who we become. Whether or not someone “deserves” to deal and live with those implications is up to them. A lot of it is a choice, a matter of wisdom and personal decision, but not an issue of deserving. So when it comes down to it, is it standards or pickiness?

Love doesn’t judge. It doesn’t consider one to be better than the other. I don’t think any of us “deserve” love. Love is a gift that is freely given and freely received. It’s a true manifestation of grace… God’s grace. Completely and totally undeserved, unmerited, and unconditional. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: love is a decision, a commitment, a choice. It is not something to fight over, win or manipulate. So next time someone tries to “comfort” me by saying I deserve better, I’ll tell them to shut their face because if that was the case, I wouldn't deserve God's love, and neither would they.

This is too good...

... to not re-post :) I have some pretty fabulous friends... Friends who are smart, deep and are a lot like me... I love reading their blogs because more often than not, they reflect my own thoughts, and these two below just nailed it right on... I don't know how that's possible, but it's true. Must be the Jesus inside of us :)

I want your flowers - Lauren

Staring at this blank screen, watching that blinking little line tell me that time is running out. Searching my soul, thinking of words to put adequately together. So here, I scan my restless mind, hoping for a revelation of some sort. But I come here with only thoughts to share. Two "phrases" come to mind: Hope, and the Present. Is it possible for the both play apart in the same lifestyle?
The past few months I have been living in the moment, only taking what comes to me, as it comes to me, only giving when the opportunity approaches to give. I accept all of life, all decisions, all thoughts shared, all love given. Living as an optimist keeping myself from thinking of the past or the future.
Then I think of you. The beautiful person you are. That in itself, puts hope inside of me. Hope for what you will discover, hope for what you will accomplish, hope for the ultimate happiness, and selfishly, hope for the day our paths cross again, the day when I can once again, be fitted perfectly in your arms. Like clay pieces that were once accidently broken, but can hold together once you place them the right way.
So, while you only think of now, I start thinking of then. With the highest of hopes, but no expectations. I hide the hope deep in my heart so it never crosses my mind. Is that cheating? Only thinking of now, but storing away the deepest desires for the future? Maybe the day will come when they are so hidden, they get lost, but still very much remain. For now, I am forced to cheat the system.
When I think about love, I think of the hope inside of my soul. That is the only glimpse into the future I look for. I cant shut my eyes to that light.

Friendship - Brandon

I think it is fun to do things for friends - especially really close friends. In 1 Samuel, David and Jonathan show a close friendship and I think it is interesting about what the Bible says about their friendship. Jonathan went completely out of his way in Chapter 23 to make sure David knew he cared. They knew at this point that they would never see each other again. That is pretty weird to me - knowing at a point of interaction that you will never...see that person again.
Jonathan encouraged David to stay true to the plan that God had for his life. THAT'S friendship. I would probably have been pretty agenda oriented with it all - looking for a way to make it all work out, in the way I thought it should.
A friend encourages you to stick to the plan. We were built for friendship. A lot of us were built for friendship to be set on fire and carry it out even more than that. Whatever the case may be - be the person that encourages others to STICK TO THE PLAN [or maybe you need to be reminded to stick to the plan]. Nothing more. Nothing less.