Brasil Thus Far... "E Ai?"

More than a full week in, with only 3 more full days to go, I have so much going through my mind... I love Brasil. I love being here, I love the people, the kids, the churches... I love what we´re doing. And of course, I love the food :) I´ve definitely gained back all the weight I lost for Brasil and then some, but it´s all worth it :P Oh, and the beaches are amazing too :D The sun is hot, the breeze is cool and we are definitely having a GREAT time even as we are working our butts off. I love our team. I love our hosts. We are SO taken care of, it´s ridiculous. Things are different here for sure and it´s been a bit of a culture shock, but here´s what I think I´ve learned about the Brasileiros and their awesome country (or at least the city of Fortaleza :P) so far :

* They have NO concept of time. Five minutes can mean anything from one minute to one hour.
* There are NO traffic rules (because there is no enforcement of traffic rules). People drive SO crazy here, it´s scary, and we´ve already seen a few car crashes. After being driven around for a week already, I still freak out on every ride. I swear I´m gonna be the world´s safest driver when I get back to the U.S.
* Pedestrians do not have the right of way and crosswalks are few and far in between.
* Cars communicate by honking - 1 honk means You go, 2 honks means Get out of the way, cuz I´m going.
* People communicate with sounds - E Ai, Ay, Eh, Ah and Oi are all very common phrases :P
* They love meat - red meat, to be percise, and I´ve been eating WAY too much of it since I got here.
* The drink of choice is coconut water (straight out of the coconut via straw) and Guarana which tastes a little like giner ale, but better :P Their fresh squeezed juices of EVERY variety also can´t be beat!
* Acai bowls are BOMB!!! Mix in honey and I´m pretty sure that´s what heaven tastes like :)
* It really is dangerous here. Girls are discouraged from driving alone at night (it gets dark really early here, around 6pm), bulletproof cars are common, people don´t stop at red lights after dark and we were told to not bring our purses/jewelry to certain places.
* Spanish and Portuguese may look similar, but the prononciation is WAY different.

Fun stuff we´ve done so far:

* Beaches!!! The water is SOOO warm and the cool breeze keeps you from getting too hot :) Oh and the sand is PERFECT :)
* Massages at the beach :) A full body massage with tan protecting lotion... Oh yea...
* Did I already mention AWESOME food at fun local restaurants? ;)
* Playing with the kids :) They love us SO much, it´s amazing... And of course, all of us fell in love with them as well :) I´m gonna miss them a lot, wish I could bring them all home with me :(
* Off-roading on sand dunes and jumping off of sand hills
* Shopping :P
* Hanging out with our hosts
* GOING TO A REAL SOCCER GAME IN SOUTH AMERICA AT A HUGE STADIUM WITH TONS OF PEOPLE GOING CRAZY!!!!!

Work we´ve done so far:

* CONSTRUCTION!!! Digging holes, breaking rocks, mixing cement... We all have blisters :P
* Painting
* Sorting food, clothes, toys and school supplies and making packages for each family/child.
* Organizing books and cleaning
* Playing with the kids
* Walking around the favelas (the slum community we are serving) and talking/praying with people.
* Preaching/sharing God´s word :) I LOOOOVE IT!!!

The Favelas:

I´ve only seen this kind of stuff on TV before. It´s crazy how people can live like that, it´s inhumane. The dirt, the smell, the flies, the poverty, the sickness, the open sewage, the unsanitary conditions... I´ve gotten nauseas more than a few times... And the heat makes it so much worse. It´s so sad and scary what this community is dealing with... Prostitution, drugs, child trafficking... Every little girl I saw, every woman with multiple kids... It made me sick to my stomach just thinking about the very real possibility of them being touched by any or all of it.

The Videira:

This church is literally a ray of hope and light in the favelas. Our team has been spending a lot of time at their "fort" there and we are really enjoying getting to know the people who run it. We´ve participated in all of their services and I absolutely LOOOVE that church and its pastors :)

Randomness:

Our schedule is really tight and our days are really long... Wake up early, work, lunch, evangelize, home to shower (1-2 hours), service and out to eat. By the time we get home around midnight, we are SO tired, we just want to sleep... But it´s SO good :)

None of us have REALLY gotten sick, although all of the girls have felt sick for a short while at some point or another.

We are having fun as a team. Sure, we butt heads and all, but we love each other :)

I want to write more, but I´m SO tired right now I´m about to pass out... And I really want to publish this blog already, so anything else I think of will have to wait for another blog :) Boa noite!!!

Beyond Measure (Revised)

"Watch your thoughts, for they become words. Watch your words, for they become actions. Watch your actions, for they become habits. Watch your habits, for they become your character."

Everything starts with a single thought. The moment you allow yourself to entertain the idea of something, an unseen seed is planted in your mind that starts sprouting its way down to your heart where it produces visible fruit. And it can be both good and bad. The good is obvious, so let's talk about the bad :P You get this crazy idea that you can't even bring yourself to say out loud. You know you can't do it, shouldn't do it, that it's so bad, so wrong, so... not you. And yet it starts... "It's OK, I can think about it... I'll never say it, or do it, but just thinking about is OK.... So just let me indulge myself for a short while, 'cuz it feels so good..." And so you start thinking about it... Meditating on it... Getting comfortable with it... These thoughts don't just "cross" your mind... They straight up make camp there. And eventually those thoughts win you over to the point where you're OK speaking them out loud. And as you speak it, you not only begin to rationalize doing it, you actually make a resolution to do it... One day anyway, and just once... And then, never again. And then that one day comes... Again, and again and again... Until the point it becomes not just something that you do, but who you are...

"Love is giving someone the power to hurt you and trusting them not to."

It's not the feeling of hate towards someone that means that a relationship is truly over. Love and hate are two sides of the same coin, often interchangeable really, as "love-hate" often comes out of anger, frustration and annoyance with someone you love. What really signifies "the end" is fear. Fear is the opposite of faith, or trust... Faith in the future of a relationship/friendship and trust that the other person is just as invested in it as you are. There's nothing sadder than when a face you used to love and adore becomes ugly and repulsive to you because of how much the person behind it has hurt you. When instead of your heart skipping a beat with joy and excitement at seeing him/her, it recoils with cold and paralyzing fear at the thought of suffering any more pain at the hand of that person. When the only desire that's left is not for comfort, reconciliation, answers or closure, but to never have to deal with that individual ever again. It's hard to bounce back from that kind of damage, as fear drives a wedge between people that's deeper than hate or even indifference.

"The chains of yesterday surround me, I yearn for peace and rest, don't want to end up where You found me."

Don't look back, those who look back want to go back... We either remember only the good or only the bad... And in reality, it was never THAT good (or THAT bad) for it to be worth going back to. Imagine a child crying from the pain of getting a vaccination shot. Now, on the way home, her mind keeps going back to that moment, and she starts crying again. The physical pain itself is long gone and she is miles away from the doctor's office, safe in her parent's car, but emotionally, she keeps going back and reliving the fear and pain of getting that shot when it's really over and she should just forget about it and move on... So don't do it. Don't live in yesterday's pain. Don't keep going back to it in your mind and refreshing the emotions of the past. Yesterday ended last night, today is a brand new day, and nothing has to ever be the same.

Sad, But True...

This blows my mind:

When you're hurt by someone, they are the ones you want to be comforted by... For them to "un-break" your heart... No matter how many people you're loved by and adored, no matter how many times you're told that you're beautiful, desired, amazing, wonderful, and pretty much the best thing in the world, it means nothing to you and you don't believe it as long as "they" don't think so... WHY?!?!

Women don't mind being manipulated, but they hate being taken for granted. "Fine, I'll do what you want, but you better appreciate it!" It's funny though how men never appreciate something that comes easy to them...

The power in a relationship lies with whoever cares less. However, power is not happiness. Happiness is loving extravagantly without expecting anything in return. The happier person cares more :)

Knowing the difference between what was, what is and dealing with not knowing what will be... What was once real, but no longer is, what was never real and how pretending that something will one day be real won't make it so.

Don't harbor false hope. I've learned to have hope not in the event of something happening, but only in God's ability to make it happen.

"To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you." ~Lewis B. Smedes

So when does the pain and the fear go away? I surprisingly found out the answer just days after publishing this post: When you forgive yourself and the person who has hurt you. And while you're at it, ask them for forgiveness as well! As hard as the second task may seem, the first one can be much harder, especially if you're an idealist like myself. Guilt, shame, condemnation and thoughts of "How could I have been so stupid???" are not easily shaken off and the desire to punish yourself is overwhelming, even when you're not being punished by anyone else. Acknowledging the fact that you're only human helps, as nothing is as grounding and humbling as a major f*** up that leaves you looking like a fool and feeling like s***.

Ultimately, forgiveness is giving up your right to be upset, angry, hurt and resentful towards the offending party. While you may have every right to feel these things and even consider yourself entitled to feel them, the longer you hold on to them, the longer you deny yourself the freedom that comes with letting go and relinquishing your hold on self-righteous anger.

Forgiving is love's toughest work, and love's biggest risk. If you twist it into something it was never meant to be, it can make you a doormat or an insufferable manipulator. Forgiving seems almost unnatural. Our sense of fairness tells us people should pay for the wrong they do. But forgiving is love's power to break nature's rule. ~Lewis B. Smedes

Summer School

***Disclaimer - Please take this post with a sense of humor and a grain of salt :) It's not meant to be negative, cynical or bitter. You know that's not me ;) Sure, there's a little bit of truth in every joke, but believe it or not, this IS meant to be funny :) I figure I've cried about it enough, so might as well laugh now... While most of the examples do come from my own personal adventures, other things I've observed and witnessed in my friends' situations and have not experienced first hand. This is a highly personal post, but I'm OK with being open, real, vulnerable and transparent with my life. I'm human... I'm susceptible to feelings, deception and mistakes. And I know that I'm not alone in going through this stuff... So if my stories can touch someone's heart, it's well worth it to "expose" my experiences :)***

Recently, it has dawned on me that this is the 3rd summer in a row that I'm spending crying over a heartbreak :( It's like there's a seriously distributing pattern that has emerged in my life over the last 3 years: What starts out as a sweet, innocent spring romance, full of excitement, joy and fun, ends up getting scorched by the heat of summer and withering away in the sun... So for the last 3 summers I've been forced into "summer school" of broken hearts, trying to learn from my experience only to have a similar (but different) situation reoccur exactly a year later. Major FAIL... Well, I'm determined for this to be the end of it. After 3 strikes, I'm out! No more summer drama! God help the guy who tries to sweep my off of my feet next spring (because until then I don't want anything to do with boys except dance salsa :P)! And just to prove that I HAVE, in fact, learned something from the soggy summers of A, B and C, I'm going to write out all the hard lessons of life and love that have been (or should be) etched in my brain AND on my heart (which apparently had a mind of its own).

*When he tells you how much he likes you, ask him why. If it's based on attraction, appearance or how you make him feel, it won't last... What if one day you no longer make him laugh or he no longer finds you fun to be around? That's right, he'll drop you so fast it'll make your head spin and replace you with someone who does. As one of my friends put it, guys always think "Bigger, Better, Next!"

*As beautiful as he tells you your eyes are now, he'll grow immune to them eventually and no amount of eye make up will reverse that.

*No matter how much he may tell you that he loves your smile and making you laugh, he'll soon be doing his best (unintentionally, of course) to permanently make your smile vanish without a trace and have you filing a "Missing Laugh" report.

*Don't believe when he tells you how special you are... Because if you do, you'll only make yourself the "short bus" kind of special... Consider yourself the "flavor of the night/week/month/season" special instead, that's all.

*What he liked about you before, he'll hate about you later... The "Oooo, you're different..." fascination will quickly turn into "Ewww, you're different..." resentment.

*You WILL be replaced... And it may only be a matter of minutes/hours/days... Try not to take it personally... After all, he now needs someONE (because someTHING just wouldn't be as exciting) else to occupy his time and thoughts...

*Everything he did to win you over in the beginning you'll see him doing to "the new girl"... Commenting on FB statuses and pictures, flirting, touching, hugging, calling/texting/chatting, hanging out, dancing, kissing, etc. Which again proves that you weren't that special...

*"Letting Go" does not mean trying to maintain a friendship... So let go of him, his life, his stuff, his FB page and hardest of all, his friends and family... Forget the fact that you totally bonded... Sucks, I know...

On a more serious note, I learned some other stuff too...

*I learned my strengths and weaknesses... That my greatest strength is, in fact, my biggest weakness...

*I learned that I'm loyal to a fault... So committed to the people in my life that I will not let go, walk away or move on because I'll be so darn dedicated and faithful to making even a bad friendship/relationship work. I'll go down with the ship rather than get off it. Fortunately enough, God has, in His great mercy, always managed to remove me from the sinking ships before they truly went down.

*I learned to take my time and process my thoughts and emotions before communicating them to the other person. I finally learned to think before I speak!!! :)

*I learned to forgive and let go of offenses... To be quick to listen, slow to speak and always think the best no matter how the situation appears. OK, fine, so I'm still trying to learn that last part :P

*I learned to run to God right away with everything because He understands and doesn't judge, get mad or punish me. I've learned to be open and honest with Him in my pain, disappointment and despair... I've learned to trust Him...

*I learned to not have any expectations of people or even of myself... I now know that I'm capable of anything... Really.

*I learned that I can't help anyone who doesn't want to be helped. I can't be anyone's "Savior"... I'm not responsible for other people's life choices and daily decisions. I can't let them affect me or take them personally.

*I learned that bad company really does corrupt good morals...

*I learned to be more open minded, accepting and unconventional... I've learned to "think outside the box" :)

*I learned that people can't really change for people... They need to be changed by God.

Will I get involved with the "wrong" person and get my heart broken again? Honestly, I hope not... All I know is that I have a choice not only in all I do and how I respond, but also in how I choose to feel... So from this day forward... ;)

Are You a FireWORK or a FirePLACE?

If you really think about it, the most important quality of God is not His love, forgiveness, grace, mercy, comfort, power or anything else that He does or is... It's His Faithfulness... The fact that He doesn't just love, forgive, provide and heal every once in a while (when He feels like it or is in a good mood), but that He can always be counted on and trusted to do so steadily and consistently. He doesn't (and won't) stop.

So if we as His children are created in His image, then we too should be faithful in all we are and all we do towards ourselves, God, and the people in our lives. Face it, no man is an island, we were all created to be in different relationships throughout our lives and we all have a need to feel loved, accepted and validated in those relationships... Which got me thinking... In terms of "faithfulness", how committed we are in those relationships determines not only their success, but also our character.

Some relationships (friendships) are like fireworks... They are thrilling and exciting, beautiful, loud, put on a great entertaining show, stun your senses and are overall enjoyable. You light a fuse and off they go. The problem is, they last only a short while and once they are done, all that's left is ashes and smoke of what was...

Other relationships are more like a fireplace... Warm, inviting, cozy, and comforting, they require some work such as adding wood to the fire to keep it consistent, but the point is, it lasts!!! It's not the BIG BANG and BOOM, it's over, kind of a relationship, but a slow and steady one that gives off heat as well as light and welcomes someone to come in, stay awhile and share their whole life with you, not just the short lived, exciting parts.

Being faithful in life means having very little room for selfish behavior (which is fickle and ever changing, depending on mood and circumstances), persevering in hard times and simply not giving up on yourself, God, and other people... Seriously, I think it's by far the most important quality a person can have because it makes them "safe", trustworthy, reliable and secure to be around. Success may not always equal being faithful, but being faithful ensures success :)

A Night To Remember...

As much as I pride myself on my excellent memory, after dancing so much for so long, I only remember dance nights that have very special significance (and emotional attachment :P) and last night was a night that will most definitely go down in history as being one of the the most exciting, exhilarating, satisfying, crazy, surprising, sizzling, smoking HOTTT, "ON" nights I've had so far!!! And I MUST give ALL the credit to my wonderful Jesus because after the horrible day I had leading up to it, everything that went on and off the dance floor following my tearful prayer to Him, was nothing short of a miracle ;). He really is A-mazing and has arranged and worked out all things to work out that night in my favor (including the fact that I didn't have to work this morning after being out all night!) and I'm SO touched and grateful :)!

Anyway, it was just one of those nights where I was the first and the last person on the dance floor :) From the very first song (thanks, Alison!!!) to the very last, I pretty much danced every single song (with the exception of a couple of water and bathroom breaks during the Cha-Cha's) even as my feet threatened to give out on me by the end of the night and hurt so bad that every step was an "Ouch" in my head, it still felt so GOOD!!! But it wasn't even just the nonstop dancing that made for an incredible night, it was the complete and total package of atmosphere, music, me looking and feeling like a million bucks (I've GOT to wear that top out more often!!!) and just being sought after and complimented by the most awesome leads on my dancing that was just ON FIRE :P!!! It was being surrounded by my friends who love, support and care about me and feeling "safe"... :)

The surprises kept on coming even after the music stopped as well :) A heartfelt hug and hopeful words from someone I've been seeking reconciliation with, hanging out and connecting with a new friend, a late night snack and a deep, yet fun conversation with old friends... And then a pouring out of the heart and getting some good advice from someone wise :) I just felt so completely "taken care of" the whole night... It was almost unreal... I was on a "high" and it was euphoric, but in a good, healthy and a divine way ;) hehe...

So yea... It was a great dance night... A HUGE and a very heartfelt "Thank You" to all who were there and contributed :) I love you guys, I really do... :) ;) :P

The Response

I caved :) It took a while (much too long), but I was finally driven to my knees (because I realized I had nowhere else to go) in repentance. This weekend has been the tipping point. The final realization that this was a dead end, the rock bottom, the straw that broke the camel's back.

On Sunday, I went to my church in the AM, but bolted out of there as soon as the pastor said "Amen" :( I hate doing that, because I know that when I can't stick around to chat with my friends and hug my pastors, something is seriously wrong. And my pastors know that. They can read my guilty eyes from a mile away... My life is an open book to them even when I don't say a word. I swear God tells them stuff! I love my church, without a doubt, it's my family, but I must admit that sometimes I go there because I feel like I "have to". To make an appearance, to pick up the mail, to host, to teach, to serve...

That's why every once in a while, I like to sneak away to MH (Mars Hill Church) in the PM... Because if I go there, it's because I either really "want to" or "need to" and I'm doing it for myself... It's also nice to go somewhere where you don't run into everyone you know and you don't have to give hugs and lie when people ask you how you're doing. Because I can't lie... Even though I do know a lot of people who go to MH, it's very rare that I actually run into any of them since there are so many different services and campuses and the place is just BIG. So yea, it's nice to just go and sit and absorb, and not feel like I have to take notes (even though sometimes I do because I want to). It's also nice to be able to have communion (they have it every Sunday) because I do believe that there's SO much power in it... And it's also nice to talk to a pastor who doesn't know you and the fact that this is like the 10th time you're having this issue so you don't feel like a total idiot... I adore my pastors, but sometimes I just really hate bothering them with the same problem... It's like GROW UP, ANNA!!! And I know they'll never say that, or make me feel bad because I know they love me, but confessing the same thing over and over again, just makes me feel dumb...

Anyway, somewhere between my church and MH, "it" happened... The dam broke, the floodgates opened, my heart finally melted and surrendered and I said the words I've been holding out on for so long... "I'm sorry. I repent. Please forgive me."

Going to MH sealed the deal... The message was perfect... The worship was custom, the prayer was dead on... I'm still amazed at how God takes care of everything... I was teary eyed and sniffly the whole time, and I know He held me throughout the entire service... We had a heart to heart moment when I asked Him if He enjoys having me around and He said yes, because I'm His precious daughter :) At the end of the service I went upfront to talk to a pastor, get prayer and "cleanse my soul"... There's something about verbalizing and putting feelings and actions into words that's powerful...

So yea... That's it... It's done :) This morning I got a little miracle helping make things easier (because doing the right thing is never easy), and I'm really grateful for it :) Pray for me to be strong, and brave and courageous... I have a feeling I'm gonna need it... BUT... I can do ALL things through Christ, who strengthens me :)!!!

Getting Off The Crack...

In the last couple of days I've come to a pretty scary conclusion - Sin is like Crack (the drug, that is).

Sin - Doing what you know you shouldn't/Not doing what you know you should. Hence you're sinning against yourself (and the God who created you :P). More often than not, your sin affects not only yourself, but those around you as well... Especially those who care about you.

Crack - a highly addictive and powerful stimulant. It is abused because it produces an immediate high and because it is easy and inexpensive to produce. The pleasant effects of crack wear off quickly, causing users to feel 'down' or depressed, more than before taking the drug. Can be used as a pain reliever.

Sin, like Crack, is highly addictive. You need to "up the dosage" every time you "use" to get the same "high". And the withdrawals suck. Often, it's the "easy" way out, a sure way to release the stress, the pain, the anxiety, and to feel good for a little while... And I'm not gonna lie, while you're doing it, it does feel good. But once it's over, the guilt, the shame and the condemnation set in and you're miserable!

And so I got hooked on some "crack"... And didn't even realize it until I started getting the withdrawals and the side effects... And it was horrible... And yet, I couldn't just give it up, I couldn't quit, couldn't let go, it was too hard, the "high" felt too good... And so I prayed... Prayed in my guilt and in my shame, asking God to help me, still looking for a way I could keep the "high" without all the side effects... And then I heard Him. His response was a gentle, yet forceful slap that was meant to shake me sober: "You want me to comfort you in your sin, but I'm waiting to comfort you in your repentance." Ouch...

The Heart of a Father

In my walk with God, I think my favorite part, by far, is knowing that He is not just my God, but my Father. My Dad... And I think that's what defines the dynamics of our relationship. Having Him in that role, knowing that that's how He sees me and that's how He loves me - as His child.

My "real" dad is not completely horrible, but let's just say he wasn't the best example of a loving, caring father while I was growing up, especially during my adolescence when I needed him the most. In fact, if I really wanted to, I could easily blame all of my "issues" on him and be right according to a lot of psychologists, philosophers and theologists. Fathers play a crucial part in a child's life... I may even go as far as to say that the father's role is much more important than the mother's. Mothers may give life, but Fathers give identity...

Thank God my earthly father isn't the only example of a father figure in my life, or else I'd really be messed up! Somehow, God has always taken care to surround me with father figures who were, in fact, great examples of how a father should love his child(ren). In the past, a friend or a boyfriend's family have always "adopted" me. My pastor is definitely my spiritual father, but recently it's been the fathers of the kids I nanny who have impacted me the most. They are so amazing, I've come to see both of them as prototypes of the type of man I want to have children with one day.

No matter how awesome a father is though, his children will still make mistakes, mess up, disappoint and do the wrong thing. At least every once in a while... So what does a father do? How does he respond? Does he get mad and punish? Does he shut down and turn cold towards the child, ignoring and avoiding all interaction? Does he turn mean and abusive? Or does he love the child through it in patience, grace and kindness?

I've been rebelling against my heavenly Father for several weeks now... My own shame and guilt have caused me to avoid Him and cringe at the thought of punishment. And I know that that broke His heart more than my rebellion. He can deal with my sin. In fact, through Jesus' work on the cross, He already has. My wrongdoings don't hurt Him. Me questioning His love for me, does. Last week, I got to witness a tender interaction between a 3 year old boy I nanny and his dad. The child was being fussy, and the father's gentleness with him just amazed me... It was like God Himself was speaking to me and saying, "I know you're being fussy right now and are not ready to deal with what you have to do, but it's OK I'm still here and I still love you and I will wait for you." Wow...

Our God is the God who created everything. He can do anything and everything. His strength and power cannot be fully grasped by our finite human minds, and yet, His love for us is just as strong and just as powerful as His almighty strength. His heart is all encompassing... The heart of a Father... And I'm so grateful for the love that flows out of that heart :)

We Talked :)

He knows me so well... And He speaks to me in ways He knows I'll understand... Through music :) It's amazing what one can hear once you're actually ready to hear it... The songs I've been listening to for years, and haven't heard in years, the songs that I haven't really thought that much of before... Hearing them now, it's loud and clear... God speaking directly to my heart... Into my situation... Giving me the words I can't quite find on my own...

Jaci Velasquez
Album: Heavenly Place
Flower In The Rain

You are the one, there's no one else
Who lifts me up and gives me water from the well.
But there's a hole that seems to drain it all away.
And once again I'm left in fear and doubt
When all my strength is crying out.

So, here I am again
Willing to be opened up and broken like a flower in the rain.
Tell me what have I to do to die and then be raised,
To reach beyond the pain like a flower in the rain?

The evil wind, it blows a storm to rock my world
Just when think I'm safe and warm.
I'm led astray far too easily.
It's always hard for me to see I'm wrong,
Until I know I can't go on.

Lord, You have searched me and know
When I sleep and when I rise.
You're familiar with all my ways.
Even the darkness will shine
Like the day when You look into my heart.

Jaci Velasquez
Album: Heavenly Place
Shelter

How the mind can wander, how the heart can stray.
Suddenly you're on the edge of darkness.
How it makes me ponder, how I'm led away
Down a path that leaves me worn and tarnished.
Battling with the will within,
I have known all along that I should lean on You.
'Cause I'm never strong enough to fight it on my own.

Shelter me, the ways of the world are at my feet.
Shelter me from the desires that deceive.
You are the fortress I need, shelter me.

Well, how the mind can alter, how the heart can change,
When you set your sights on holiness.
And though at times you falter, it's the only way
You can find a place of peace to rest.
Safe from danger surrounding me,
Safe from looming defeat
When temptation is at my door,
Lord, I need a harbor, be my soul's retreat.

You will never leave me stranded, fending for myself.
When the enemy advances, You are there to help,
Standing in the gap for me whenever I grow weak.
You are my deliverer, the refuge that I seek.

A Higher High...

Things that get me "high":

-Being asked to dance by a "really good lead" for the first time (and every time after that :P)
-Executing perfect spins and turns (and managing to incorporate some hot styling move on top of it!)
-Being able to follow a complicated dance pattern and get complimented on it in the end :P
-Hearing someone say that they love dancing with me :)
-Rockin' out to some really good music!
-Hearing my favorite song when I least expect it :)
-Shopping!!!
-Getting genuine compliments
-Phone calls from good friends "just to catch up" :)
-Texts, calls, emails and fb notifications from a current crush ;)
-Knowing that I made a difference... (That I was just used by God :D)

This (incomplete) list barely scratches the surface of the things that make me feel good... Things that give me that lightheaded feeling of endorphins running through my body... Pure bliss...There's only one problem... They don't satisfy... No matter how much I get, I always want more. It's like drinking a warm sugary drink on a hot day when you're really thirsty... It doesn't quench your thirst... No matter how good it may taste, it's not what you "need". It's like a drug... A momentary hit of pleasure that passes way too soon and leaves you with that empty longing feeling for more... It's short term happiness that needs to be re-filled over and over in order to last.

As "high" as the things above get me, there is a higher "high" that doesn't result in a "crash" :P It's what satisfies like nothing else and leaves you better than you were found... It's the presence of God... It's knowing that you're standing/sitting/laying/kneeling before your creator and feeling so loved, so complete, so whole, so full... And feeling so much love for this incredible being that you think your heart just might burst from the overflow of all this passion... It's what Jesus was talking about when He said that whoever drinks of His water shall never thirst again because that water will become a spring of life from within... Skillet says it best in their song "You're better than drugs". It's really that good... It's your spirit connecting with His spirit in worship and you getting so lost in that moment that nothing else matters... It's forgetting about yourself and literally giving your all to this incredible person of Jesus Christ... The one who loves you like no one else, even with all your failures, shortcomings, issues, scars and flaws... And it's the feeling of knowing that you are in fact THAT loved, THAT forgiven, accepted, adored, cherished and taken care of that makes you fall even deeper in love with Him... And it's that LOVE that manifests itself in worship and gives you the highest high there is... A high of fulfilling your created purpose - being in a relationship with your creator.

To Know is to Trust

A dear friend of mine recently shared how God told her that to know Him is to trust Him. In terms of that (a relationship with God), the statement totally made sense, but there was something else about it that caught my attention. Of course I trust God because I know Him! I know how good, awesome and faithful He is. I've experienced it! He's so personal to me... I know He loves me and I trust in His love for me... I know He only wants the best for my life.

Hearing my friend say those words ("to know is to trust") that night, brought me back to something another person told me just a few days prior. Someone whom I've considered a close friend told me that they didn't trust me. Processing those words stung quite bitterly as a flood of thoughts rushed from my heart towards my brain. "What do you mean you don't trust me?! After everything you've already shared with me? After all the times I've been there for you? Don't you know how much I love you? Don't you know how much I care about our friendship? Don't you know that I only want the best for you? Don't you KNOW me?!" And then it all made sense... Even though I could have sworn she knew, maybe she didn't. And maybe the issue wasn't me... Maybe it was her.

What makes us trust a person? And does trust come slowly and go quickly? For me, I find that it's the opposite... Once I feel like I know someone cares about me, I trust them quickly, and stop trusting them slowly. Looking back now at the different friendships in my life, including that particular one, I'm beginning to evaluate which one of my friends I really know and trust, and which ones know and/or trust me. It's easy to tell who is holding back on you :P So then can you still trust those who you know don't trust you? Does one friend have to take a risky leap and trust first in order to encourage the other to do the same? What exactly does one need to prove in order to be trusted? And how do you prove it?

Friendship, just like love, has to be mutual in order to be affective. Or does it??? How much power does it actually have versus the amount of power we give it?

I don't think I have these answers... I'm still kinda learning... I want to be a good friend (whatever that means) and be trusted. I also want to be able to trust others. And I think I do... Perhaps more recklessly than I should, but I rather love than not, rather know than be ignorant, rather reachout than hold back, and rather trust than be paranoid... And I'm ok with having my heart be prodded and poked in the process, because that's what keeps it soft... And I want to have a soft heart. Alongside a strong, hard and wise backbone of course :)