Striking Gold

Well, the first semester at NIU has successfully come to an end and I'll be on my way "home" to Seattle in a few days to spend Christmas and New Year's with my family and old friends :) And as excited as I am to go back and see everything/everyone again, I know I'm going to be just as excited to come back to my "home" here :) Moving to Illinois has truly been one of the best decisions of my life, an experience of "first"s, an adventure, an opportunity of a lifetime, a new beginning, a fresh start, a clean slate . . . a gift, really. A gift I'm really and truly thankful for, a gift that continues to fill my heart with joy and makes me ridiculously happy ;) As I've written before, it was definitely bittersweet to leave Seattle, but I was ready to move on, spread my wings and fly :P Coming and living here has been like striking a gold mine . . . Every. Single. Day. And here's why:

* My house is perfect :) I have never lived in a place this cute and this cozy.

* Our landlord is simply amazing... A picture of Midwestern kindness and hospitality. She got us welcome gifts and Christmas gifts and pretty much provided us with everything we need :)

* My roommate is wonderful . . . I've never had a roommate other than family before, so naturally I was a bit nervous to all of a sudden move in with a complete stranger, but T and I have bonded faster than I ever thought we would and stronger than if we would have used superglue. It is truly priceless to live with not only a friend, but a classmate, a study buddy, a cooking buddy, a cleaning buddy and an overall awesome person. I can't even tell you how many times I have either forgotten something at the house (lunch, homework, Brailler) or needed something from home (a change of clothes, a water bottle) and how T was always there for me! I really love her :)

* My new church is literally a family who "adopted" me along with their 3 adorable kids whom I just can't get enough of :P

* My new friends are super sweet and as cheesy as it sounds, they welcomed me into their lives with open arms and open hearts. It's true what they say about Midwesterners . . . They really are nice :)

* My school and my program are fabulous! I've been learning so much and I really like our campus.

* My classmates are cool, we all get along and help each other out, which is key in a program as challenging as this one. I've never felt isolated or alone. 

* I love my professors!!! They have been super kind, helpful, encouraging and completely on and by my side the entire semester, rooting for my success and believing in my ability to do well.

* The salsa scene in Chicago has been nothing short of welcoming and can I just say . . . I love, love, love, LOVE the leads here!!! Besides being ridiculously good and versatile (On1 AND On2, plus awesome bachata skills), they are SO nice and friendly and AWESOME :)

* And on the romantic front, I have been truly lucky to meet a Chi-town guy who does not take offense to my scathing humor and makes long drives to hang out with me in the 'burbs on weekends ;)

The Musings of a Salsa-High Weekend

As if I wasn't already head over heels in love with Chicago, this dance-full weekend more or less sealed the deal :)

Yes, there are a lot more girls than guys in the Chicago salsa scene, which means that the girls need to be a little more aggressive . . . . not something I have a problem with :) Lets face it, I've never had a problem asking for (and getting) what I want.

Not dancing everyday like I used to has turned my cardio to s*** :( I was in pain and gasping for breath after every fast song . . .  Not that it stopped me from dancing the next one :P

Dancing alone in my room has done wonders for my styling though ;)

My feet are no longer callused :( Which makes them really hurt by the end of the night . . .

I'm a darn good follow! Not perfect by any means, but good enough to keep up with professionals, connect with perfect strangers and make instructors be like, "D*** girl, where did you learn to dance like that???" That would be Seattle . . .

Dancing on2 opens doors. And windows. Guys want you ;)

Oh and one more thing . . . . . . even in a new city, I can smell a player from a mile away :)

Window to the Soul

What enlightened romantic poet first coined the popular phrase of the eyes being the windows to the soul? Well, there really wasn't one. "The eyes are the windows to the soul" is actually an old English proverb which now may have been proven true by scientists who are discovering that certain patters in the iris can give an indication of whether we are warm and trusting or neurotic and impulsive. Research has also found that those pretty squiggles of color could even be an indicator a tender heart, providing even more reasons for us to stare deeply into each other's eyes ;)

So if the eyes are truly the window to the soul, what can be said about the images that enter them? I've been studying vision pretty intensely for the last couple of months of grad school, and was surprised to learn that 90% of information our brain receives comes through our eyes. That definitely made me wonder about just how much "junk" I fill my brain with daily. A while back when I was on a food cleanse and eating really healthy, I would look at different foods and ask myself if I really wanted to put all those ingredients into my body. I mean, what were all these colors and preservatives going to do to me on the inside and how would that manifest on the outside? And then one day I was looking at a display of movies in the grocery store and caught myself asking a similar question . . . Did I really want to put all those concepts, ideas and images into my brain? What were they going to do to my mind and how would that affect my behavior? I know myself, and I know I have a natural tendency to reflect the language and mannerisms of the people I'm most often around. When I went to London, I picked up the British accent after just a few days and kept it up throughout the rest of my stay. My dance style is a mixture of Seattle's best follows ;) which I've modified to make my own and every time I watch Pride and Prejudice (which is quite often), I find myself acting more and more like a "proper" lady, speaking, and even thinking as Lizzy did. Am I easily influenced? If I allow myself to be . . . Is everyone else? To a degree, yes, I believe that even as adults, our child-like abilities of soaking up surrounding information and imitating those we admire is still very much with us.

It's a fact that the things we find entertaining reveal a lot about who we are, what we enjoy and also what we value and find important. Just like there is a hint of truth in every joke, nothing is done "just because". One doesn't need to be Freud to know that our subconscious is always working, making us do and say things that give away our true thoughts, beliefs, feelings, desires, and even motives. As humans, we tend to gravitate towards not only the things that reflect our current state of being, but also towards who we long to be, what we long to have, and what we long to do.

And so I started to consider why I really like certain TV shows and am strongly turned off by others. Was it my friends' influence or some psychological connections I've made with it? Did I relate to the characters and associate them with myself and the people I knew? What did these plots have that drew me in and held me captive for hours at a time? So I made a list of my favorite shows in order of which ones I love most. Conclude what you want from it, but I think I know what they say about me ;) . . . besides the obvious fact that I clearly value good humor :P If nothing else, I hope you get intrigued enough to check them out and find them as amusing as I do :)

Sex and the City - Besides being a hands down classic for single and dating girls everywhere, this series is as much about relationships and sex as it is about amazing friendships and life in the NYC (which I LOVE!) Not to mention that pretty much everything Carrie says or writes about is pretty profound...

Gossip Girl - I generally strongly dislike soap operas (something about stupid pointless drama that drags on and on and never seems to resolve itself), but GG is super smart, witty and full of clever and sarcastic LMAO humor that is truly addicting. Even though this drama is overflowing with lies, revenge, plotting, scheming, betrayal and tears, there is a strong sense of underlying goodness, love, friendship and family ties that leave you feeling all warm and fuzzy inside time after time, and unlike in a soap opera, the storyline moves along fairly quickly and everything does get resolved . . . . eventually :P Oh, and it's full of great quotable quotes too ;)

Bones - I love, love LOVE the characters!!! The gory murder plots and gruesome corpses were definitely something to get used to, but once I got passed that, I got to fully enjoy and appreciate the clever wit of the colorful personalities that made this show one of my top favorites :) Your mind will delightfully work overtime not only trying to solve the crimes, but to keep up with all the subtleties of each character's humor.

White Collar - I started watching this because I found out that one of my friends was a former white collar con-artist, and I was somewhat fascinated by the whole concept. Besides the fact that Neil, the main character, is VERY easy on the eyes and is extremely charming, creative, talented and sharp in everything he does, this show really does suck you in with its witty, edgy crime-solving plot and dearly beloved Mozzie, who just might be my favorite character EVER :P

Ugly Betty - I absolutely love this show and am super sad it's over, although the finale really was the perfect conclusion to its multi-season run :) It's smart, witty, full of LOL humor and most importantly, full of quirky,lovable characters and goodness that always prevails in the end! The way this awkwardly sheltered Queens girl survives and thrives in the cold and backbiting world of NYC fashion is truly inspiring and I got some AMAZING quotes from this show including my favorite, "Is it really naive to want to believe in people?" 

Jane by Design - It's cute. It's cheesy. It's about fashion and is set in NYC. It's clean, humorous, sweet and innocent, even though there is work, school and love drama that includes lying, betrayal and of course, heartbreak. I think what I love most about it though is how Jane's best friend Billy is always there for her and I'm just waiting for them to finally get together ;)

Criminal Minds - I'm not super into this show, but it's a really good one and it blows my mind every time I watch it. It is pretty intense in terms of real crime scenarios and psycho-killers that it deals with, so I definitely don't recommend watching it alone at night, because you WILL become paranoid and have nightmares. It can get pretty twisted, and it will suck you in because you're just gonna have to find out who the killer is and how they catch him, because in the end, they always do and that's what makes this show so great :P

Millionaire Matchmaker - I usually despise most reality shows, but this one is pretty excellent, even though I haven't watched it in a while. I just love how Patty really lays down the law on her clients and tells them straight out why they are still single. She is incredibly honest and doesn't beat around the bush, even though she does try to be nice . . . the first time anyway. Unlike other reality dating shows, this one seems to be the only one focused on traditional dating values, which is a pretty rare thing nowadays . . .

Yes and No

One of my best partner-in-crime/let's-stay-up-all-night-and-party/crazy-fun-salsera girlfriends from my hometown visited me in IL this past weekend, and of course . . . . we went dancing :D 

Sadly, I live in a tiny town with virtually no dance scene whatsoever, so we decided to be brave and venture into The Big City for some delicious salsa, and I'm not talking about the kind you dip your chips in ;) I've danced in The Big City a few times before and I've always had a blast, met cool people and left satisfied. Needless to say, I was expecting nothing short of a fabulous experience to share with my chicabiddy. We were given a few recommendations for what was "the" salsa spot for that night, got all dolled up, and hit the town ready to tear up the dance floor with the best of them ;) 

What ended up actually happening was a series of unfortunate events/dances where we were both left appalled,  dumbfounded and shaking our heads wondering if it was us or them... I'm fully comfortable admitting that I'm a dance snob, but even so, I try to be nice and polite even when I'm not necessarily enjoying myself. That night, however, I completely failed in hiding the puzzled look on my face, as if to say, "Are you serious???" At one point, I was so exasperated I couldn't help but ask, "Can we just dance?" And at another, I literally threw my hands up in protest and exclaimed, "Wow! Too many questions." Of course what I really wanted to tell both of those leads was to "Shut up and dance!!!" 

When I woke up the next morning, I was still wondering what some of those guys were thinking . . . I mean, just because they asked me to dance and I said yes, did that mean that I agreed to live the next 3 or so minutes on their terms? What exactly was I saying "yes" to??? My friend and I came to the club because we wanted to dance and believe it or not...that's it. If we would have known that by saying yes we would be subjected to a pat down, interrogation and other torturous expressions of attention/affection, you can bet your bottom dollar that the only answer you would have gotten from us would have been "no". 

That being said, here's a very short list of all the things we are not saying "yes" to when we say yes to a dance. In fact, these are all the things to which we are saying a very strong "NO"!!!  So take it with a grain of salt, enjoy and feel free to add your own :) 

* Being grabbed, groped, mishandled or any other form of unnecessarily prolonged excessive physical contact. This is bachata, not foreplay, and I don't even know you like that. 

 * 3.5 minutes of speed dating where you ask me 20 questions trying to establish some kind of a connection. If there's a connection to be made, let it be by your moves, not your words. Speak in body language, don't be mouthy. 

 * A census survey of where I'm from, where I live and what I do. Asking me for my name at the beginning of the dance is fine, but leave the rest of the questions for afterwards if you're still really that intrigued. Better yet, wait for me to ask you. If I'm impressed by your moves, I most likely will. 

* Being complimented to the Nth degree. If you want to tell me I'm a great dancer, wait until after we actually finish dancing, and no, gushing on and on about how beautiful you think I am, is not creepy at all!!! Focus on your leading and maybe then I'll actually be flattered when you say something nice. If you can't dance, flattery will get you nowhere. 

Most importantly, please keep in mind the reason why we're all "supposedly" here - TO DANCE. Therefore, let's keep the dancing on the forefront of the agenda, and all will be well in the world :)

I Remember

Living in a new place, making new friends and meeting a lot of new people always makes one answer a lot of questions about one's life. In my case, the fact that I was born and "raised" in Russia seems to always come up sooner or later in conversation, and is often followed by the question of "Do you remember it?" And I do. I remember a lot of it actually - most of my childhood. So I thought I'd make a list of some of the things that I remember. Because I don't want to ever forget...

I remember our neighborhood, our building, our apartment, and the room my brother and I shared. I remember how we always used to divide it in half - his side vs my side. The door was on his side. Fail.

I remember taking the subway, the bus and the trolley everywhere.

I remember building huge snow forts with all the neighborhood kids on the playground in front of our building and playing in them until our parents came out looking for us.

I remember the "milk truck" and the "kvas truck".

I remember the bakery and the smell of fresh bread.

I remember summer camps and not wanting to get off the swings.

I remember having buckwheat with milk for breakfast every morning.

I remember helping my dad develop black and white pictures in our bathroom.

I remember the parties our parents threw at our apartment. I also remember throwing my own dance party for all my friends and playing all my parents' records when my grandpa was supposed to be "babysitting" us.

I remember summer vacations to the sea and learning to swim with my dad.

I remember taking long train rides that would last for days and the gypsies that would come on the train and perform for us.

I remember hospitals and doctors' offices.

I remember my school(s), my friends and my teachers.

I remember slapping a boy at school in 5th grade and calling him a pig because he was mean to one of my friends. Haha, I was feisty even then!!!

I remember listening to stories on the record player in our living room and knowing the words to all the pop songs.

I remember Russian cartoons - Karlson and Prostakvashena. I also remember watching Tails Spin and Duck Tales in Russian on Saturday nights.

I remember watching Mexican and American soap operas with my mom and talking on the phone with my friends.

I remember crying my eyes out in the school bathroom and sneaking out of school before my last class (PE) the day I found out my crush didn't like me - 5th grade.

I remember the day my dad's family moved to Israel and we said goodbye to them at the airport. I also remember the day we moved to America and my mom's family there to see us off...

But most of all, I remember being a kid, playing outside, laughing, fighting with my brother, traveling with my family, being surrounded by relatives, eating good food, listening to good music and enjoying life :)

The Comeback Kid

So the other day one of my best friends and I were talking about life and laughing about all the crazy stuff we've done. Well, it was actually more like cringing about all the stupid stuff. Yes, that bad... And kinda scary :/ We both messed up in similar areas of our lives, did what we knew we shouldn't, got hurt, dealt with the consequences, blah blah blah... BUT we both made a glorious comeback :) We got up, dusted ourselves off, and with our chins up and a steady gaze fixed on the future, moved forward with our lives (much to the shock and dismay of those around us - some more than others). It's almost not fair... We should be suffering in pain, drowning in tears, guilt, sorrow, hiding our face in shame and burying our social life under a big rock, and yet here we are, out in the open, smiling, laughing, enjoying our friends, and embracing life. We are not victims of other people's sins, life circumstances or our own mistakes, we are the direct example of what God said about the righteous (His kids) being able to fall numerous times and get up after each one of those times. Why? Because it's a lot easier to forgive yourself (and others) knowing that you've already been forgiven by God. And it's a lot easier asking forgiveness from someone you know loves you more than anything.  God's mercy, grace, favor and love are not fair.

Sadly, so many Christians don't understand that, and instead of running towards God when they mess up, they run away from Him, thinking that they can't possibly keep calling themselves His children and accept good things from Him. But I know my God doesn't sit up somewhere in heaven waiting for me to fall so He can smite me. Just the opposite - He's always next to me, ready to catch me. He already came down from heaven once, and even back then, it wasn't to punish us, but to be with us. You see, my God doesn't just observe my life and roll His eyes in disgust every time I make a bad choice, He gets involved in everything I do and helps me make right everything that goes wrong. He understands because He knows me... Jesus himself experienced temptation, rejection, betrayal, and the pain of heartache. I serve a God who can relate to my life experiences, one who is fully aware of everything I'm going through, because He's been there too. He loves us when we least deserve it, because He knows that's when we most need it. 

I love calling myself "the comeback kid" because just like a rubber ball, I have a history of bouncing back from pretty insane situations. And fast. It took me a while to realize that I could do that, though. In the past, I used to come down pretty hard on myself after every screw up, but I don't anymore because I know that once I repent and confess my wrongdoings to God,  it's over. He's not going to hold a grudge against me, or rub it in my face later, so I'm free to move on. I am fearless because I'm not afraid of failure. Failure is not the end of the world. Not bouncing back from it is. 

The truth about leaving Seattle, starting grad school and turning 30

Seven years... The number of perfection. Or in my case, the number of completion. Seattle was home... I loved it dearly, and took such pride in calling myself its best tour-guide. And yet towards the end, the grey skies, the drizzly rain, the chilling cold, and the ever present traffic began to take their toll. What hasn't bothered me for six years, all of a sudden became unbearably frustrating and I was itching to get out. The more vacations I took, especially to places with better public transportation (aka subways) and warmer climates, the more I wanted to leave, to move, to just go and not come back. And all the reasons to stay - family, friends, salsa, boys, work, comfort, security and all the pretty scenery and great food of Seattle - were no longer enough to keep me there. In fact, there came a point when I felt like there was NOTHING holding me back.

Sure, it was scary to just pack up and go, but it was even more scary not knowing what my life would be like if I didn't. Let's get real, I was a college graduate working "college student" jobs, partying almost every night and still living home with mom, all while nearing 30. It's not that I wasn't responsible or mature... I was. What I wasn't, however, was "independent". And I was ready to change that.

Grad school was an opportunity I couldn't pass up. A gift really... Something that more or less fell into my lap. It was a chance to grown up, leave the nest, spread my wings and soar to a place called "my future". It was a promise of a specialized career that would literally take me anywhere I wanted to go.

A lot of people have asked me what it feels like to be 30, and the only thing I can tell them is that 30 feels...stable. I feel stable and secure in where I am, what I'm doing, what I want, who I am and who my friends are. I no longer want to "fit in" or impress "the cool kids", I'm perfectly happy being myself and doing my own thing, trusting that the people who truly love and appreciate me for who I am will come alongside me and stay.

Facebook has taught me to recognize what I "Like". Literally :) I believe that if you have something positive or encouraging on your mind, you should say it!!! Do not withhold that which costs you nothing to give. Be liberal with "the good" - love, attention, affection, kindness, compliments, and most importantly, the truth. I've been battling with the latter a lot recently, being unsure of what it was and who I could expect it from... In the end of all my pondering, this is what I came up with:

The truth is not what we're told, what we believe or even what we feel. It's what really happened, what was, is and will be. The truth is not in words, because words can lie. Nor is it in actions, because those can be insincere.  Neither is it in sentiments, because feelings are fleeting and ever-changing. Truth can be momentary or eternal, big or small, hurtful or healing. Truth is in consistency, proven time after time, always there, deliberate and purposeful. It's actions backing up words, feelings and promises. It's making a choice, a decision and following it through. It's being true to yourself, your heart, your conscience and your identity. It's calling things as they are, identifying emotions, naming words and labeling behaviors, not in order to confine, but to set free, because the truth shall always set you free.

Friends Forever

Been thinking a lot about friendship lately... I mean, with 800 something "friends" on Facebook (most of whom I actually know personally), the reality of who my real friends were was beginning to get a little blurred. Being so social and having so many people in my life put me in a bit of a predicament... Hundreds of people knew things about me, but not very many of them actually knew me. Which wouldn't necessarily be a problem if my life was boring, uneventful and I was able to keep my mouth shut. But no... I happen to live a pretty full, fun and "exciting" life, and share it with other people, because if you can't, than what's the point??? And so I talk, or post, or write, or comment about pretty much everything that happens to me on a day to day basis... What can I say, I'm pretty outspoken :P And so people talk... To me, about me, you name it. And well... sometimes information alone is not enough. Sometimes interpretation is necessary. And when it comes to personal matters, or issues of the heart, you can't assume, you have to know. And sometimes... you just have to experience.

I think I can safely say that I have at least 25 years of experience in friendship. Looking back, I can remember pretty much all of them. From preschool nap buddies and summer camp pals, to neighbors, school friends, college party partners-in-crime, co-workers, church, and dance... So many circles, so many paths, so many stories... Having made so many friends, I have to admit that I also lost a few ... Some I let go of quickly and with relief, and others I mourn and still hope to reconcile with, even to this day... They say a friendship that can end has never truly existed, and to some extent, I have to agree. But what signifies the end of a friendship? Loss of communication? No... Loss of common interests, activities, and community? Maybe... Loss of trust? Yes.

I've been through my share of arguments, disagreements and even "fights" with most of my friends at some point or another in our friendship, and of course the mature thing to do was to work it out, or at least try... And that can only be done through understanding. And understanding is, indeed, work. It's putting aside your own views, perspectives and feelings, and experiencing the situation in another person's shoes. Sometimes it worked, and sometimes it didn't... Sometimes the results were instantaneous, and other times it took days, weeks, months, and even years... But when it did work, when it really worked, the results were amazing. When understanding took place, a certain knowledge ensued... And not just an intellectual knowledge of superficial facts, but an intimate knowledge of someone's heart and soul... Having experienced what they experienced and felt what they felt, you "knew" them... The Greek word conosco means to know someone in such an intimate way, it is most often associated with the exclusivity of marriage, a circle of trust, a covenant of vows...

Anyway, my point is... People, even friends, may know things about you, but your best friends... they know you. Others may know what you did, but best friends know how you felt... Some may have heard what you said, but only those closest to you know what you meant... And with your best friends, with those who truly know you, it doesn't matter how far apart you live, or how often you speak... When the two of you are in the same room, it's like two hearts connecting as one... Or three hearts, or four, or however many you may be blessed enough to find, and keep... and love...

The End...

A casual hi, a casual dance, a winter friendship turned spring romance
The story unfolds through late night texts and calls, two broken hearts playing their roles
Medicating the pain with booze and affection, meeting dead ends and searching for new direction
Need overcomes fear, the void must be filled, yet the walls come back up as budding hope is killed
There's no comfort in truth, just crippling pain, beautiful innocence lost, the holding out was in vain
Addiction is bondage, being chained to the past, living in memories of all that was lost
Future uncertain, emotions come in waves, taking it one step at a time, not planning the days

Friends are like balloons...

Be kinder than necessary because everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle :)

A sharp tongue can cut your own throat :-O

If you want your dreams to come true, you mustn't oversleep :P

Of all the things you wear, your expression is the most important

The best vitamin for making friends ..... B1...

The happiness of your life depends on the quality of your thoughts .

The heaviest thing you can carry is a grudge.

One thing you can give and still keep . . . . is your word.

You lie the loudest when you lie to yourself.

If you lack the courage to start, you have already finished...

One thing you can't recycle is wasted time...

Ideas won't work unless 'You' do ..

Your mind is like a parachute . . . it functions only when open.

The 10 commandments are not a multiple choice...

The pursuit of happiness is the chase of a lifetime!

It is never too late to become what you might have been...

Life is too short to wake up with regrets. So love the people who treat you right. Forget about the ones who don't. Believe that everything happens for a reason. If you get a second chance, grab it with both hands. If it changes your life, let it . Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it.

Friends are like balloons -
once you let them go, you might not get them
back . Sometimes we get so busy with our own
lives and problems that we may not even notice
that we've let them fly away. Sometimes we are so
caught up in who's right and who's wrong that we
forget what's right and wrong... Sometimes we just
don't realize what real friendship means until it
is too late. I don't want to let that happen so
I'm going to tie you to my heart so I never lose
you.

Share this with all your friends and see
what happens. Even share it with your
balloons that you think have flown away forever.
You may be surprised to see them return...

Why Can't We Be Friends?!?!

I think I've finally accepted a fact of life that I've been trying to fight for a looong time :/ But experience is a hard teacher and this time, I might have just learned the lesson: Guys and girls can't *really* be "just friends". It's a myth that goes against American pop culture (and most other cultures), and as much as it feels warm and fuzzy to believe in, it's just an illusive illusion...

Fact #1 - Guys have GUY friends... And that's all the friends they really need/want. Guys want other GUYS to do stuff with and bond with over life issues... Stuff like watching sports, going to games, talking about cars, eating burgers, drinking beer, smoking cigars, playing cards, and picking up girls. Sure, once in a while a girl comes along who can hang with the guys, and yea, it makes her "cool", but in the end, she is still a girl, and somehow just doesn't fit in...

And with girls, it's pretty similar as well... We pretty much have our "friend" needs fulfilled by other girls... Those who are like us, who understand us, who we can do girl stuff with and rant about guys who piss us off. And sure, we enjoy having our "guy friends" to get "guy" advice from, flirt with and get help with car issues/moving/fixing stuff, but to be honest, in the back of our minds, we are always wondering if they like us, or if we like them, and if maybe one day we can be "more than friends"... Case point: Guys look to other guys for friendship and to women for mating possibilities (NOT necessarily a bad thing). This also applies vice versa.

Fact #2 - Guys only want to become friends with girls they are attracted to. ***And by "friends" I mean more than "casual acquintances". This involves hanging out 1:1, talking on the phone, texting and being "extra" affectionate with and attentive to. I mean having deep, personal, quality conversations, sharing stories, experiences and really connecting heart to heart - and it doesn't even have to be in a romantic way... at first.*** The point is, with guys, the physical (hormonal) attraction comes first, and they want to get closer (friendly) with you because their brain (penis) is already toying with the idea of how you are in bed. When he asks you to grab some food, it's not because his boys are not around, it's because he'd rather spend time with you in hopes that you'll give him what his boys can't - sex. So if you know that someone is already attracted to you (enough to express it and make it known to you/others) and they are trying to become your "friend", it's not purely because they want to get to know you or find out who/how you really are...

Fact #3 - Guys only stay "friends" with you as long as there is that possibility of them getting something more from you. They'll only want to talk, hang out and be alone with you as long as they know they are getting closer to their goal, whatever that may be... Once they realize that their goal will not be achieved and all their efforts are in vain, their interest in being close friends with you will evaporate faster than steam and they'll move on to someone new and more promising... The "friendship" will also evaporate once they do get what they want from you and you'll either move on to being more than friends (dating, relationship, marriage and so on) or retreat back to being casual acquaintances at best, and at worst... strangers.

Now before every guy out there gets offended and hates me (and I have no one left to dance with), let me make it clear that there are exceptions.

Exception #1 - Family members or friends who are significantly (10+ years) older and are seen almost as parent/mentor figures. It's nice to talk to/hang out with/get advice on the opposite sex from a brother/sister/cousin or someone you respect because of their life experience :)

Exception #2 - Shared interests. Guys/girls you see and hang out with in professional/social/religious/GROUP settings where you may share a hobby (dancing :P), a goal (working out?) or any other "life" passion that will give you a good common foundation to build on. Note: These types of friendships are always group based and are better described as "casual acquaintances" with NO 1:1 time/texting/phone conversations. Example: I enjoy dancing with a lot of guys, most of whom I find attractive, and yet I don't spend any quality 1:1 time hanging out/talking to any of them off the dance floor, because it's when I do that things get complicated :/ What's good about hanging out in groups is that you truly get to know someone in their element without expressing an interest in them, so there's no awkwardness/pressure.

Exception #3 - Gays. Hands down, gay men make THE BEST girlfriends, although I'm not sure if gay women make the best guyfriends...


***OTHER DISCLAIMERS***

Please take into consideration the difference between being friends and being friendly. Sure, guys and girls can be friendly at a distance, but bring the two together in a close relationship, and one will always end up wanting more from another. Now whether or not those desires are admitted, expressed, acted out upon or kept in check is a whole another issue, but the point stands: Strictly platonic relations between men and women are hard to come by... Please also take into consideration that everyone has different views on what "friendship" means and how close they are with their friends. In this day and age of blurred gender roles and open relationships, there seems to be no black and white as everything fades into the grey area of "what's true for me may not be true for you" and such, it's sometimes hard to call things out for what they truly are. But again, this is my blog and it's clearly just my opinion that is stated here.

I think this conversation from When Harry Met Sally sums it up quite well:

Harry Burns: You realize of course that we could never be friends.
Sally Albright: Why not?
Harry Burns: What I'm saying is - and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form - is that men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way.
Sally Albright: That's not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved.
Harry Burns: No you don't.
Sally Albright: Yes I do.
Harry Burns: No you don't.
Sally Albright: Yes I do.
Harry Burns: You only think you do.
Sally Albright: You say I'm having sex with these men without my knowledge?
Harry Burns: No, what I'm saying is they all WANT to have sex with you.
Sally Albright: They do not.
Harry Burns: Do too.
Sally Albright: They do not.
Harry Burns: Do too.
Sally Albright: How do you know?
Harry Burns: Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her.
Sally Albright: So, you're saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive?
Harry Burns: No. You pretty much want to nail 'em too.
Sally Albright: What if THEY don't want to have sex with YOU?
Harry Burns: Doesn't matter because the sex thing is already out there so the friendship is ultimately doomed and that is the end of the story.
Sally Albright: Well, I guess we're not going to be friends then.
Harry Burns: I guess not.

SuperWHY and SuperGOD

I love watching SuperWHY with Drew in the mornings :) It really is one of the best shows out there that teaches kids the alphabet, phonics, spelling and reading. Drew loves it and I really enjoy listening to him call out the answers and actively participate in naming letters, words and sounds.

Of course, I'm not in it for the academics (or the cheesy story lines), but somehow I still always get a lesson out of it... At the end of every show, after the Super Readers solve all the "little" problems, there is still that one underlying BIG problem that only SuperWHY can solve. As all the characters are freaking out and saying, "But this is what my story says, and there's nothing I can do about it," and "Oh no, what are we going to do, there seems to be no way out!!!" SuperWHY shows up and says, "With my power to read, I can change the story and save the day!" And then he goes on to change just one word in the story sentence and BOOM, like magic, all is well :)

I truly love that one part of the show (and watch it just for that reason) because it always reminds me that my God is a SuperGOD and with just one word, He has the power to change my story and save my day/week/month/season/year/life...

This Is Love Calling...

You know how there are things that are just unthinkable for us to do? Stuff that we can't ever imagine ourselves doing, things we swear we'll NEVER do, that we are not like that, that it's not "in" us? That was me last year... I saw so much of ________ going on around me and I swore that I would never do it. I was SO sure of it. I even told all my friends that even though so and so and so were doing it, I would never... I thought I was smarter, stronger, and better than that... Well guess what?! I did it... And not just once either... And then I thought my life was over. I got SO down on myself... How could I have done this thing??? I mean, it literally went against EVERYTHING I've lived and breathed for in the last 4.5 years. So yea... I plummeted, I crashed and I was broken from the fall... And then, my amazing friends came alongside me and showed me God's unconditional love and grace... "It's not over," they said, "You're not done, this is not the end of you. This is a defining moment, but it does not define you." "God knew you were going to do this, it didn't catch Him by surprise, He is not disappointed in you or love you any less."

Today in church, pastor Judah reminded us of Peter and how he denied Christ 3 times. Let's look at this story in the book of Matthew chapter 26 (NLT):

33Peter declared, “Even if everyone else deserts you, I will never desert you.”

34Jesus replied, “I tell you the truth, Peter—this very night, before the rooster crows, you will deny three times that you even know me.”

35“No!” Peter insisted. “Even if I have to die with you, I will never deny you!”

Peter was SO adamant about how he was NEVER going to do this "thing", and yet God knew... And He wasn't angry. He knew Peter was going to betray Him, but He also knew that Peter would repent and come back to be one of the greatest apostles and leaders of the first church. I can just imagine what was going through Peter's mind right after he denied Jesus three times and then looked up and met His eyes... I'm sure his anguish was even greater than mine, I'm sure he thought he was done, his ministry was done and that Jesus say, "I told you so!" and want nothing more to do with him... But he was wrong... Just like I was... Because God always finds us in our shame and our sorrow, when the world around us is crumbling by the doing of our own hands, He puts His hands around us and tells us He still loves us, that it's not over, that He's not done with us...

The consequences of my sin get thrown in my face on a daily basis. I've lost friendships over it and there are people who despise me because of it. What can I do??? The only thing I can - Cling to the one who loves me despite of my fall, the one who helped me get back up again and is not judging me based on my past, but guiding me towards a bright future...

"Dirty" Dancing

I'm a dancer. There are no "if"s, "and"s or "but"s about it. I've been dancing for as long as I can remember, and I plan to dance until I can no longer remember. One of my fondest childhood memories was throwing a dance party at my house for all my friends while my parents were out. I was 10 years old. My poor Grampa who was watching my brother and I at the time almost had a heart attack. That reminds me, I really should apologize to him for being such a handful.... Not that that's changed.

So anyway, back to being a dancer... I grew up being surrounded by music, but just listening to it has never been enough for me. My parents danced, their friends danced, my relatives danced, my culture danced... I was introduced to partner dancing in kindergarten for crying out loud!!! I guess you could say I started young... While I don't remember doing much dancing (besides by myself, in my room) during my elementary and Junior High years, I do remember going to all my high school dances (Homecoming, Winter Ball, Prom, etc.). Once I got to college, I thought I entered dance heaven as I discovered the "club scene". I used to dance so much at this one particular underage club called Remis, that one of my AOL screennames was "remisrat"... Yes, my friends, it was THAT bad. Every birthday, every aced exam, every special and semi-special occasion was celebrated with dancing, because, well, dancing made me happy.

My "dance friends" (because it was debatable whether or not we were REAL friends) and I didn't even need to drink, we just wanted to DANCE. However, we did drink, even though our drinking didn't have as much to with the dancing as it did with the boys we were dancing (and hooking up) with. That's right, I just brought "boys" into this, because other than when I was playing "Go-Go" dancer with my girls up on stage, it was always our mission to find cute boys with hot dance moves. And we did... And they have caused me A LOT of grief... Granted, a few of the boys I met at church have caused me a lot of grief as well, but let's stick to dancing for now. I guess what I'm trying to say is that via "club dancing", I've met and gotten involved with many "bad boys" who did a lot of damage to my heart, mind and self-esteem. Now whether or not they "corrupted" me is contestable, since I've always had a choice to say "no", I just somehow never could...

Let's fast forward to post-college days. After I moved to Seattle in 2005, I kissed clubbing good bye and didn't really dance for about a year until I joined the City Church GC Dance Team. Hip Hop choreography has never been my strength though, so I only stayed on the team for less than six months... Right up until the time I got introduced to salsa. With salsa, it was pretty much love at first note. The music (did I mention I've loved Latin music since high school?), the moves, the spins, and the "ballroom" atmosphere had me at hello and I didn't stand a chance. It really was a beautiful friendship... Until my first "salsa crush". That was the first time I almost stopped dancing, and perhaps I should have, because I wouldn't have been the only one who quit due to a broken heart... I've heard stories upon stories of girls who were hurt so badly they not only dropped off the "dance scene", but also from what seems like "the face of the earth". Well, I didn't stop. I came back, round after round, getting back in the ring only to have my butt (heart?) kicked time and time again...

Dancing is complicated. Some people try to simplify it by saying, "Just shut up and dance!", but it's almost like trying to simplify a heart attack - What you don't know can kill you. When you see dancing on TV, it looks simple enough - beautiful movement to beautiful music, but you have no idea what's behind it (unless of course, you, yourself, are a dancer). Music stirs up our emotions, our soul... It's powerful stuff... And close physical body contact does the same. That's why there's so much more to dancing than just moving to the music. Needless to say, I am referring to partner dancing here, salsa and the like to be specific, and the following observations, thoughts and opinions come strictly from my experience, but perhaps you too can relate...

Since hardly anything in this world can be looked upon in pure isolation, but rather in the context of its relationship with everything around it and as a whole, I want to place dancing in its proper context: Moving to certain music, with certain people, in certain places, with certain groups, in a ceratin atmosphere, all while receiving a certain "something" from it. It's a skill, a learned skill, as well as a natural talent, a passion, a desire, an "addiction" as many call it, and a lifestyle (as well as livelihood) for many. It can be healthy or unhealthy, it can help you, or it can hurt you, it's a social circle composed of the "good" and the "bad", and everyone's motives for being there are different. There's an essence of accomplishment, social buzz, exhilaration, satisfaction, fulfillment, and pride in being good at what you do...

I was recently asked why I love dancing so much. What about it made me want it, crave it, "need" it? What holes did it fill in my life and in my heart? Exercise? Social connections? Physical contact and a intimacy (real or false) with the opposite sex? A sense of accomplishment, worth, value? Feeling beautiful, feminine, sexy, desired, wanted? Belonging to a group? Has it become a source of my affection, attention, acceptance, validation, approval, and identity? What feelings and emotions was it stirring up in me? How was it shaping and molding me, my thoughts, my attitude, my life? Just thinking about it makes my head hurt, and yet, I know I need to consider each one of these questions seriously.

While watching Century High, a cabaret show put on by the Century Ballroom, I was both amused and horrified by their spoofs of Footloose and Dirty Dancing movies. In one particular scene, the main character, "Baby", was crying on the couch while writing in her diary something to the affect of "Why should I throw away everything, my whole life, just to be in a high school dance gang with people who don't even care if I live or die?" That line really struck me because of my previous experience in how fickle, shallow, superficial and backstabbing "dance" relationships can be. While I did meet a lot of "true blue" friends at salsa who I know will stick by me no matter what, those are few and far in between, and while I can say that I genuinely do love and care about many people in the salsa community (even those who have hurt me deeply), I somehow doubt that they feel the same way about me... Unfortunately, most friendships in the dance scene tend to be surface level, shallow, superficial and conditional - as long as we go out together, I'll smile, say hi, give you a big hug, and chat with you between songs, but as soon as one of us stops dancing, you'll never hear from me again. Sure, Facebook makes communication outside of dancing very convenient, but how deep do most Facebook "friendships" run? Typed words can never replace the sound of someone's voice or the touch of their hand... Looking at someone's pictures is not the same as looking into their eyes.

Nonetheless, I've seen people change based on who they became friends with in the salsa community. Some of these changes were positive, but some, tragically negative. Don't be fooled, bad company DOES ruin good character, as I've seen happen time and time again, not only to the ones I was close to, but to myself as well. Who you associate with plays a HUGE influence in how you speak, think, and act... It's a scary thing to look in the mirror and not recognize the person you've become... To not have the outside match what's going on on the inside.

So what now? Well, I'm still a dancer. Dancing is still something I enjoy, and the salsa community is still filled with the people I love. Is it a good idea for me to go out dancing 5-7 nights a week? Probably not... Will I be OK if I never go again? Well... Of course dancing is not something I want to ever give up completely... But has it become a "security blanket" for my soul? I want dancing to be safe, I want it to be healthy, I want it to be a pure, fun and enjoyable experience I can share with everyone I care about without worrying about when, where and with whom I dance. I want dancing to be "redeemed". And I know all of that depends on me. On my heart, on my mind, on my perspective. To the pure, all things are pure, even "dirty" dancing...

My Story Continues...

I thought I was OK... Sure, there was some dark stuff in my past, but then there was this one miraculously divine night 5 and a half years ago that whiped it all clean. My 180 degree change... A new life, new vision, new heart, new desires, and a brand new fresh chance to start over... So why is it then, that over the last couple of years I could literally see and feel my old lifestyle slowly creeping up on me again? Reading back through my blogs, I see a gradual pattern in the declining frequency of my posts. And the themes, they seem to shift from God, to life, to me... So many heartbreaks, so much pain, so many self realizations and hard lessons, but through it all... Faith, Hope and Love. And an underlying sense of strength and joy. Somehow, I've always managed to stay strong and get back to joy.

But now, I don't feel strong... I feel like I lost my voice... And I'm scared I'll never get it back... I feel paralyzed, unable to dance, unable to speak, unable to effectively and clearly communicate the thoughts, the feelings, the fear and the hope inside of me.

It seems like I've always been dealing with the same stuff, just on different levels, every time going deeper and deeper, and it's been harder and harder, with more pain and more insights each time around. Sure, every situation is different, but the end result has always been the same: me, wide and teary eyed, thinking, "What happened???"

Why's it always circumstantial?
Never any real potential
Obvious and so sequential
It always ends the same
Holding out with all that's in me
Is it worth all this pretending?
A story with an ugly ending is never worth the pain.

So I just kept putting band aids on my gushing wounds, hoping that in time, they will clot and I will be well enough to function again.... A month off here, a week off there, cut out this, stay away from that, do this, don't do that... All the while just treating the surface symptoms and disregarding the deep roots of the issues underneath that stemmed years and decades back...

Through it all, I was blaming people, places, environments and current situations for my problems, when all along, the issue was me, my heart and the unresolved traumas of the past, most of which I was largely not even aware of... Of course, all of the other factors certainly contributed their share... After all, if you throw a bleeding animal in the ocean, the sharks will start circling...

Even though I've never been addicted to drugs, I've experienced the intensity of withdrawals. I've felt the agonizing pain of doing what I didn't want to do, all in an effort to satisfy that longing and that craving for comfort and love that always fell short of the anticipated high and just plunged me deeper into despair, leaving my soul dead and empty inside...

I now understand what Pastor Mark meant when he said that there are only two directions in which we, humans, can look: within ourselves and up to Jesus. When we look within, we get discouraged, defeated and depressed. Taking a long, hard, honest look at myself hasn't been easy. I must admit, I didn't like what I found... Our sin nature is truly hopeless... But when we look up to Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, we have hope, because only He can save us from that which is within us. After discovering and uncovering all my faults, weaknesses and dysfunctions, I had two choices: Wallow in self pity over my long list of failures and shortcomings, or bring it to Jesus, to the foot of the cross, lay it out there in the fullness of all its embarrassment, guilt and shame, and say, "This is me... But I am Yours. You died so I could be healed and set free from all of this. You, who created me, can re-create me. Your blood washes me clean." And then, I must allow the fulness of His love, mercy and amazing redeeming grace to cover it all...

The only thing that gives me hope is knowing that this pain won't last forever. That I've been here before. That I've loved this deeply and felt this intensely before. And that it always passed. That I've gotten over it and moved on. So when will I stop crying and be able to smile and laugh again? I don't see the end in sight, but I know it will come...

Brasil Thus Far... "E Ai?"

More than a full week in, with only 3 more full days to go, I have so much going through my mind... I love Brasil. I love being here, I love the people, the kids, the churches... I love what we´re doing. And of course, I love the food :) I´ve definitely gained back all the weight I lost for Brasil and then some, but it´s all worth it :P Oh, and the beaches are amazing too :D The sun is hot, the breeze is cool and we are definitely having a GREAT time even as we are working our butts off. I love our team. I love our hosts. We are SO taken care of, it´s ridiculous. Things are different here for sure and it´s been a bit of a culture shock, but here´s what I think I´ve learned about the Brasileiros and their awesome country (or at least the city of Fortaleza :P) so far :

* They have NO concept of time. Five minutes can mean anything from one minute to one hour.
* There are NO traffic rules (because there is no enforcement of traffic rules). People drive SO crazy here, it´s scary, and we´ve already seen a few car crashes. After being driven around for a week already, I still freak out on every ride. I swear I´m gonna be the world´s safest driver when I get back to the U.S.
* Pedestrians do not have the right of way and crosswalks are few and far in between.
* Cars communicate by honking - 1 honk means You go, 2 honks means Get out of the way, cuz I´m going.
* People communicate with sounds - E Ai, Ay, Eh, Ah and Oi are all very common phrases :P
* They love meat - red meat, to be percise, and I´ve been eating WAY too much of it since I got here.
* The drink of choice is coconut water (straight out of the coconut via straw) and Guarana which tastes a little like giner ale, but better :P Their fresh squeezed juices of EVERY variety also can´t be beat!
* Acai bowls are BOMB!!! Mix in honey and I´m pretty sure that´s what heaven tastes like :)
* It really is dangerous here. Girls are discouraged from driving alone at night (it gets dark really early here, around 6pm), bulletproof cars are common, people don´t stop at red lights after dark and we were told to not bring our purses/jewelry to certain places.
* Spanish and Portuguese may look similar, but the prononciation is WAY different.

Fun stuff we´ve done so far:

* Beaches!!! The water is SOOO warm and the cool breeze keeps you from getting too hot :) Oh and the sand is PERFECT :)
* Massages at the beach :) A full body massage with tan protecting lotion... Oh yea...
* Did I already mention AWESOME food at fun local restaurants? ;)
* Playing with the kids :) They love us SO much, it´s amazing... And of course, all of us fell in love with them as well :) I´m gonna miss them a lot, wish I could bring them all home with me :(
* Off-roading on sand dunes and jumping off of sand hills
* Shopping :P
* Hanging out with our hosts
* GOING TO A REAL SOCCER GAME IN SOUTH AMERICA AT A HUGE STADIUM WITH TONS OF PEOPLE GOING CRAZY!!!!!

Work we´ve done so far:

* CONSTRUCTION!!! Digging holes, breaking rocks, mixing cement... We all have blisters :P
* Painting
* Sorting food, clothes, toys and school supplies and making packages for each family/child.
* Organizing books and cleaning
* Playing with the kids
* Walking around the favelas (the slum community we are serving) and talking/praying with people.
* Preaching/sharing God´s word :) I LOOOOVE IT!!!

The Favelas:

I´ve only seen this kind of stuff on TV before. It´s crazy how people can live like that, it´s inhumane. The dirt, the smell, the flies, the poverty, the sickness, the open sewage, the unsanitary conditions... I´ve gotten nauseas more than a few times... And the heat makes it so much worse. It´s so sad and scary what this community is dealing with... Prostitution, drugs, child trafficking... Every little girl I saw, every woman with multiple kids... It made me sick to my stomach just thinking about the very real possibility of them being touched by any or all of it.

The Videira:

This church is literally a ray of hope and light in the favelas. Our team has been spending a lot of time at their "fort" there and we are really enjoying getting to know the people who run it. We´ve participated in all of their services and I absolutely LOOOVE that church and its pastors :)

Randomness:

Our schedule is really tight and our days are really long... Wake up early, work, lunch, evangelize, home to shower (1-2 hours), service and out to eat. By the time we get home around midnight, we are SO tired, we just want to sleep... But it´s SO good :)

None of us have REALLY gotten sick, although all of the girls have felt sick for a short while at some point or another.

We are having fun as a team. Sure, we butt heads and all, but we love each other :)

I want to write more, but I´m SO tired right now I´m about to pass out... And I really want to publish this blog already, so anything else I think of will have to wait for another blog :) Boa noite!!!

Beyond Measure (Revised)

"Watch your thoughts, for they become words. Watch your words, for they become actions. Watch your actions, for they become habits. Watch your habits, for they become your character."

Everything starts with a single thought. The moment you allow yourself to entertain the idea of something, an unseen seed is planted in your mind that starts sprouting its way down to your heart where it produces visible fruit. And it can be both good and bad. The good is obvious, so let's talk about the bad :P You get this crazy idea that you can't even bring yourself to say out loud. You know you can't do it, shouldn't do it, that it's so bad, so wrong, so... not you. And yet it starts... "It's OK, I can think about it... I'll never say it, or do it, but just thinking about is OK.... So just let me indulge myself for a short while, 'cuz it feels so good..." And so you start thinking about it... Meditating on it... Getting comfortable with it... These thoughts don't just "cross" your mind... They straight up make camp there. And eventually those thoughts win you over to the point where you're OK speaking them out loud. And as you speak it, you not only begin to rationalize doing it, you actually make a resolution to do it... One day anyway, and just once... And then, never again. And then that one day comes... Again, and again and again... Until the point it becomes not just something that you do, but who you are...

"Love is giving someone the power to hurt you and trusting them not to."

It's not the feeling of hate towards someone that means that a relationship is truly over. Love and hate are two sides of the same coin, often interchangeable really, as "love-hate" often comes out of anger, frustration and annoyance with someone you love. What really signifies "the end" is fear. Fear is the opposite of faith, or trust... Faith in the future of a relationship/friendship and trust that the other person is just as invested in it as you are. There's nothing sadder than when a face you used to love and adore becomes ugly and repulsive to you because of how much the person behind it has hurt you. When instead of your heart skipping a beat with joy and excitement at seeing him/her, it recoils with cold and paralyzing fear at the thought of suffering any more pain at the hand of that person. When the only desire that's left is not for comfort, reconciliation, answers or closure, but to never have to deal with that individual ever again. It's hard to bounce back from that kind of damage, as fear drives a wedge between people that's deeper than hate or even indifference.

"The chains of yesterday surround me, I yearn for peace and rest, don't want to end up where You found me."

Don't look back, those who look back want to go back... We either remember only the good or only the bad... And in reality, it was never THAT good (or THAT bad) for it to be worth going back to. Imagine a child crying from the pain of getting a vaccination shot. Now, on the way home, her mind keeps going back to that moment, and she starts crying again. The physical pain itself is long gone and she is miles away from the doctor's office, safe in her parent's car, but emotionally, she keeps going back and reliving the fear and pain of getting that shot when it's really over and she should just forget about it and move on... So don't do it. Don't live in yesterday's pain. Don't keep going back to it in your mind and refreshing the emotions of the past. Yesterday ended last night, today is a brand new day, and nothing has to ever be the same.

Sad, But True...

This blows my mind:

When you're hurt by someone, they are the ones you want to be comforted by... For them to "un-break" your heart... No matter how many people you're loved by and adored, no matter how many times you're told that you're beautiful, desired, amazing, wonderful, and pretty much the best thing in the world, it means nothing to you and you don't believe it as long as "they" don't think so... WHY?!?!

Women don't mind being manipulated, but they hate being taken for granted. "Fine, I'll do what you want, but you better appreciate it!" It's funny though how men never appreciate something that comes easy to them...

The power in a relationship lies with whoever cares less. However, power is not happiness. Happiness is loving extravagantly without expecting anything in return. The happier person cares more :)

Knowing the difference between what was, what is and dealing with not knowing what will be... What was once real, but no longer is, what was never real and how pretending that something will one day be real won't make it so.

Don't harbor false hope. I've learned to have hope not in the event of something happening, but only in God's ability to make it happen.

"To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you." ~Lewis B. Smedes

So when does the pain and the fear go away? I surprisingly found out the answer just days after publishing this post: When you forgive yourself and the person who has hurt you. And while you're at it, ask them for forgiveness as well! As hard as the second task may seem, the first one can be much harder, especially if you're an idealist like myself. Guilt, shame, condemnation and thoughts of "How could I have been so stupid???" are not easily shaken off and the desire to punish yourself is overwhelming, even when you're not being punished by anyone else. Acknowledging the fact that you're only human helps, as nothing is as grounding and humbling as a major f*** up that leaves you looking like a fool and feeling like s***.

Ultimately, forgiveness is giving up your right to be upset, angry, hurt and resentful towards the offending party. While you may have every right to feel these things and even consider yourself entitled to feel them, the longer you hold on to them, the longer you deny yourself the freedom that comes with letting go and relinquishing your hold on self-righteous anger.

Forgiving is love's toughest work, and love's biggest risk. If you twist it into something it was never meant to be, it can make you a doormat or an insufferable manipulator. Forgiving seems almost unnatural. Our sense of fairness tells us people should pay for the wrong they do. But forgiving is love's power to break nature's rule. ~Lewis B. Smedes

Summer School

***Disclaimer - Please take this post with a sense of humor and a grain of salt :) It's not meant to be negative, cynical or bitter. You know that's not me ;) Sure, there's a little bit of truth in every joke, but believe it or not, this IS meant to be funny :) I figure I've cried about it enough, so might as well laugh now... While most of the examples do come from my own personal adventures, other things I've observed and witnessed in my friends' situations and have not experienced first hand. This is a highly personal post, but I'm OK with being open, real, vulnerable and transparent with my life. I'm human... I'm susceptible to feelings, deception and mistakes. And I know that I'm not alone in going through this stuff... So if my stories can touch someone's heart, it's well worth it to "expose" my experiences :)***

Recently, it has dawned on me that this is the 3rd summer in a row that I'm spending crying over a heartbreak :( It's like there's a seriously distributing pattern that has emerged in my life over the last 3 years: What starts out as a sweet, innocent spring romance, full of excitement, joy and fun, ends up getting scorched by the heat of summer and withering away in the sun... So for the last 3 summers I've been forced into "summer school" of broken hearts, trying to learn from my experience only to have a similar (but different) situation reoccur exactly a year later. Major FAIL... Well, I'm determined for this to be the end of it. After 3 strikes, I'm out! No more summer drama! God help the guy who tries to sweep my off of my feet next spring (because until then I don't want anything to do with boys except dance salsa :P)! And just to prove that I HAVE, in fact, learned something from the soggy summers of A, B and C, I'm going to write out all the hard lessons of life and love that have been (or should be) etched in my brain AND on my heart (which apparently had a mind of its own).

*When he tells you how much he likes you, ask him why. If it's based on attraction, appearance or how you make him feel, it won't last... What if one day you no longer make him laugh or he no longer finds you fun to be around? That's right, he'll drop you so fast it'll make your head spin and replace you with someone who does. As one of my friends put it, guys always think "Bigger, Better, Next!"

*As beautiful as he tells you your eyes are now, he'll grow immune to them eventually and no amount of eye make up will reverse that.

*No matter how much he may tell you that he loves your smile and making you laugh, he'll soon be doing his best (unintentionally, of course) to permanently make your smile vanish without a trace and have you filing a "Missing Laugh" report.

*Don't believe when he tells you how special you are... Because if you do, you'll only make yourself the "short bus" kind of special... Consider yourself the "flavor of the night/week/month/season" special instead, that's all.

*What he liked about you before, he'll hate about you later... The "Oooo, you're different..." fascination will quickly turn into "Ewww, you're different..." resentment.

*You WILL be replaced... And it may only be a matter of minutes/hours/days... Try not to take it personally... After all, he now needs someONE (because someTHING just wouldn't be as exciting) else to occupy his time and thoughts...

*Everything he did to win you over in the beginning you'll see him doing to "the new girl"... Commenting on FB statuses and pictures, flirting, touching, hugging, calling/texting/chatting, hanging out, dancing, kissing, etc. Which again proves that you weren't that special...

*"Letting Go" does not mean trying to maintain a friendship... So let go of him, his life, his stuff, his FB page and hardest of all, his friends and family... Forget the fact that you totally bonded... Sucks, I know...

On a more serious note, I learned some other stuff too...

*I learned my strengths and weaknesses... That my greatest strength is, in fact, my biggest weakness...

*I learned that I'm loyal to a fault... So committed to the people in my life that I will not let go, walk away or move on because I'll be so darn dedicated and faithful to making even a bad friendship/relationship work. I'll go down with the ship rather than get off it. Fortunately enough, God has, in His great mercy, always managed to remove me from the sinking ships before they truly went down.

*I learned to take my time and process my thoughts and emotions before communicating them to the other person. I finally learned to think before I speak!!! :)

*I learned to forgive and let go of offenses... To be quick to listen, slow to speak and always think the best no matter how the situation appears. OK, fine, so I'm still trying to learn that last part :P

*I learned to run to God right away with everything because He understands and doesn't judge, get mad or punish me. I've learned to be open and honest with Him in my pain, disappointment and despair... I've learned to trust Him...

*I learned to not have any expectations of people or even of myself... I now know that I'm capable of anything... Really.

*I learned that I can't help anyone who doesn't want to be helped. I can't be anyone's "Savior"... I'm not responsible for other people's life choices and daily decisions. I can't let them affect me or take them personally.

*I learned that bad company really does corrupt good morals...

*I learned to be more open minded, accepting and unconventional... I've learned to "think outside the box" :)

*I learned that people can't really change for people... They need to be changed by God.

Will I get involved with the "wrong" person and get my heart broken again? Honestly, I hope not... All I know is that I have a choice not only in all I do and how I respond, but also in how I choose to feel... So from this day forward... ;)

Are You a FireWORK or a FirePLACE?

If you really think about it, the most important quality of God is not His love, forgiveness, grace, mercy, comfort, power or anything else that He does or is... It's His Faithfulness... The fact that He doesn't just love, forgive, provide and heal every once in a while (when He feels like it or is in a good mood), but that He can always be counted on and trusted to do so steadily and consistently. He doesn't (and won't) stop.

So if we as His children are created in His image, then we too should be faithful in all we are and all we do towards ourselves, God, and the people in our lives. Face it, no man is an island, we were all created to be in different relationships throughout our lives and we all have a need to feel loved, accepted and validated in those relationships... Which got me thinking... In terms of "faithfulness", how committed we are in those relationships determines not only their success, but also our character.

Some relationships (friendships) are like fireworks... They are thrilling and exciting, beautiful, loud, put on a great entertaining show, stun your senses and are overall enjoyable. You light a fuse and off they go. The problem is, they last only a short while and once they are done, all that's left is ashes and smoke of what was...

Other relationships are more like a fireplace... Warm, inviting, cozy, and comforting, they require some work such as adding wood to the fire to keep it consistent, but the point is, it lasts!!! It's not the BIG BANG and BOOM, it's over, kind of a relationship, but a slow and steady one that gives off heat as well as light and welcomes someone to come in, stay awhile and share their whole life with you, not just the short lived, exciting parts.

Being faithful in life means having very little room for selfish behavior (which is fickle and ever changing, depending on mood and circumstances), persevering in hard times and simply not giving up on yourself, God, and other people... Seriously, I think it's by far the most important quality a person can have because it makes them "safe", trustworthy, reliable and secure to be around. Success may not always equal being faithful, but being faithful ensures success :)

A Night To Remember...

As much as I pride myself on my excellent memory, after dancing so much for so long, I only remember dance nights that have very special significance (and emotional attachment :P) and last night was a night that will most definitely go down in history as being one of the the most exciting, exhilarating, satisfying, crazy, surprising, sizzling, smoking HOTTT, "ON" nights I've had so far!!! And I MUST give ALL the credit to my wonderful Jesus because after the horrible day I had leading up to it, everything that went on and off the dance floor following my tearful prayer to Him, was nothing short of a miracle ;). He really is A-mazing and has arranged and worked out all things to work out that night in my favor (including the fact that I didn't have to work this morning after being out all night!) and I'm SO touched and grateful :)!

Anyway, it was just one of those nights where I was the first and the last person on the dance floor :) From the very first song (thanks, Alison!!!) to the very last, I pretty much danced every single song (with the exception of a couple of water and bathroom breaks during the Cha-Cha's) even as my feet threatened to give out on me by the end of the night and hurt so bad that every step was an "Ouch" in my head, it still felt so GOOD!!! But it wasn't even just the nonstop dancing that made for an incredible night, it was the complete and total package of atmosphere, music, me looking and feeling like a million bucks (I've GOT to wear that top out more often!!!) and just being sought after and complimented by the most awesome leads on my dancing that was just ON FIRE :P!!! It was being surrounded by my friends who love, support and care about me and feeling "safe"... :)

The surprises kept on coming even after the music stopped as well :) A heartfelt hug and hopeful words from someone I've been seeking reconciliation with, hanging out and connecting with a new friend, a late night snack and a deep, yet fun conversation with old friends... And then a pouring out of the heart and getting some good advice from someone wise :) I just felt so completely "taken care of" the whole night... It was almost unreal... I was on a "high" and it was euphoric, but in a good, healthy and a divine way ;) hehe...

So yea... It was a great dance night... A HUGE and a very heartfelt "Thank You" to all who were there and contributed :) I love you guys, I really do... :) ;) :P