The Aftermath of a Near Death Experience

The accident didn't exactly make me see my life flashing before my eyes. I knew I wasn't going to die. Afterwards, I was grateful that we were all OK, but I wasn't really "freaked out" or "shaken up". The timing seemed weird... Right after Christmas and right before New Year's...

It did make me appreciate and value my friends and their love and concern for me. It was very touching to hear people tell me they were glad I was alive and OK. It made me just want to be around and close to those I love and those who loved me... It made me crave that fellowship, those relationships, those conversations, hugs and whatnot...

It also brought up something that I've been trying to forget and let go of for so long... Something I thought for sure was really done for this time... And yet, in the midst of this wonderful celebration of life and love, I felt a damper trying to come in and steal my joy, my purpose, my knowledge of exactly why God has protected my life... Why does it STILL have to hurt so much? Why is it taking so long to heal? I know God sees the end, but I feel like I need to see it too. I need to see the end of this...

Thank God Spirit 105.3 is back to playing their regular music! I heard this song a couple of times today and it's perfect...

Kry - Take My Hand and Walk

I know there are times
Your dreams turn to dust
You wonder as you cry
Why it has to hurt so much
Give Me all your sadness
Someday you will know the reason why
With a child-like heart
Simply put your trust in Me

Take My hand and walk where I lead
Keep your eyes on Me alone
Don't you say why were the old days better
Just because you're scared of the unknown
Take My hand and walk

Don't live in the past
'Cause yesterday's gone
Wishing memories would last
You're afraid to carry on
You don't know what's comin'
But you know the one who holds tomorrow
I will be your guide
Take you through the night
If you keep your eyes on Me

Take my hand and walk where I lead
Keep your eyes on me alone
Don't you say why were the old days better
Just because you're afraid of the unknown
Take my hand and walk where I lead
You will never be alone
Faith is to be sure of what you hope for
And the evidence of things unseen
So take my hand and walk

Just like a child
Holdings Daddy's hand
Don't let go of Mine
You know you can't stand on your own

I Hope You Dance

I'm going to share this little spiel on Friday before the dance, but here's a sneak peak ;)

Dancing With God

It's not a coincidence that the word Guidance ends with "dance". I am very passionate about dancing, especially partner dances, because I believe that our relationship with God is a lot like dancing... For one, there is a "lead" and a "follow". When two people try to lead, nothing feels right. The movement doesn't flow with the music, and everything is quite uncomfortable and jerky. When one person realizes that, and lets the other lead, both bodies begin to flow with the music.

One gives gentle cues, perhaps with a nudge to the back or by pressing lightly in one direction or another. It's as if two become one body, moving beautifully. The dance takes surrender, willingness, and attentiveness from one person and gentle guidance and skill from the other.

Let's look back at the word "Guidance"... G: "God", followed by "u" and "i". "God", "u" and "i" dance. God, you, and I dance.

Became willing to trust God's guidance in your life. Be willing to let God lead... Dance together with God, trusting Him to lead and guide you through each season of your life.

I Hope You Dance!

A Thrill of Hope

One of my favorite Christmas hymns, O Holy Night, has a line that makes my heart skip a beat every time I hear it... "A thrill of hope..."

Hope is thrilling... Not some far away, vague, impersonal hope for something you somewhat want, but a hope that is so real, so specific... Something your heart longs for more than anything, something you so greatly and deeply desire with every living, breathing cell of your body... When it's so close you can smell it, taste it, feel it... now that's thrilling... Imagine wanting something so bad, you think about it every waking second, pray about it every night... Or imagine wanting something so great, so seemingly impossible, so unlikely, something you don't think could ever happen to you... And then it does.

In Pride and Prejudice, my #1 favorite movie, Mr. Darcy delivers a line that I can very much relate to... about daring to hope as we have scarcely allowed ourselves to before... In a world were we are always told not to get our hopes up, and be careful (especially when it comes to love), it's easy to let go and lose sight of hope... Expectations lead to disappointments, isn't that what they say? Well what about when that hope and that faith actualizes and becomes reality? Can you just image the trill of that? Imagine getting everything you've ever wanted... Or at least one thing you really want... Like a child unwrapping a Christmas present he's been asking his parents for all year long... Imagine the joy, the rush, "the thrill"... Have you ever felt it?

It has happened to me a handful of times. Enough to know that it can, and it does... I'm a bit familiar with "the thrill"... Thinking about those times still gives me chills... Every now and then I get a glimpse of what God has in store for me and it's an adrenaline rush that rivals any roller coaster... I don't think there's a more powerful feeling... Except the presence of God, of course :)

Don't get me wrong, I'm not talking about the thrill of getting something temporary, something that doesn't or won't last, because once that's over, you're right where you were before... It's not "the thrill of the chase" of something to stroke your ego... It's more like knowing that this is something you could have never achieved or received on your own, but it was given to you as a gift, a miracle... by God's grace...

So what are you afraid to hope for? What are you not allowing yourself to believe in? What do you dare not think about? I was listening to one of pastor Judah's messages on God's grace, and it really blessed me when he said that sometimes we just need to get our hopes up...

In this season of Christmas, the season of miraculous grace, God wants you to experience "the thrill of hope"...

Change Ain't Change 'Till Something Changes

For over 3 years now, I've been living and learning a new way of life... Everyday it seems I learn something new. I know so much, have so many resources and so much information at my disposal, yet make mistakes daily... My brain is filled with so much knowledge, common sense, reason and logic, but when my heart takes over, it all goes out the window and I don't do what I know, and even want, to do. I know it's all a part of being human, and being vulnerable to our weaknesses, but something still tells me that the power of true knowledge is the power of change. So why am I not changing? Why am I still prone to say and do stupid things everyday that afterwards make me think, Really? Did I really just do/say/write that? Why?! I know better!!! It's pretty frustrating...

The funny thing with actions/words is that once it's done/said it's over... And you can apologize until you're blue in the face, but it's already out there... the damage is done. Here's just a short list of some things I've been "learning" for what it seems like forever now and still have yet to master:

*Keeping my mouth shut (to the 10th power)

*Keeping my thoughts in check

*Not expressing every single emotion every single time I feel it

*Guarding my heart

*Letting go

I know there is a right time and a right place for everything, but how can you tell? I used to be so proud of being so open and so transparent, like an open book, because I truly have nothing to hide... I enjoy sharing my life with others (to a point) because I'm not embarrassed or ashamed of how I'm living it, but I'm also learning that, again, there's a time and place for everything, and that sometimes I actually do need to hold back, even if it's just to protect myself from doing something now that I'll be sorry for later.

Another thing I'm also learning to change is not being so hard on myself :) I hold myself to a pretty high standard, and when I mess up, I take it hard... So I need to forgive myself even when others don't...

I'm tired of always using the "learning" excuse though... I already know so much... I need to stop "learning" and start implementing! I know it's a process, and it's true, some things do take time, but I still need to "just do it".

Cheryl gave me this India Arie CD right before she left for Japan, and it's been a pretty painful thing for me to listen to for a while... Maybe I wasn't ready for it yet... Today, however, I really enjoyed it... Healing is a process, but I think it's well underway... This one song in particular stood out and really echoed what I've been going through recently:

"The Heart Of The Matter"

[originally performed by Don
Henley]

I got the call today, I didn't wanna hear
But I knew that it
would come
An old true friend of ours was talkin' on the phone
She said
you found someone
And I thought of all the bad luck,
And all the
struggles we went through
How I lost me and you lost you
What are these
voices outside love's open door
Make us throw off our contentment
And
beg for something more?

I've been learning to live without you now
But I miss you sometimes
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning them again
I've been
tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And
my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

These
times are so uncertain
There's a yearning undefined
And people filled
with rage
We all need a little tenderness
How can love survive in such a
graceless age
And the trust and self-assurance that lead to happiness
They're the very things we kill, I guess
Pride and competition cannot
fill these empty arms
And the work they put between us,
You know it
doesn't keep us warm

I've been trying to live without you now
But I miss you, baby
The more I know, the less I understand
And all
the things I thought I figured out, I have to learn again
I've been tryin'
to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my
heart is so shattered
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

All the
people in your life who've come and gone
They let you down, you know they
hurt your pride
Better put it all behind you; cause life goes on
You
keep carryin' that anger, it'll eat you up inside

I wanna be happily
ever after
And my heart is so shattered
But I know it's about
forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
Because the
flesh will get weak
And the ashes will scatter
So I'm thinkin' about
forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if you don't love me anymore
Even if
you don't love me anymore

I want to change. I want to be changed. I want things in my life to be different. I want to be different. I want the knowledge in my head and heart to bring real, lasting change to my life. Jesus, please change me...

'Tiss The Season

For what?!?!?! Christmas is supposed to be this magical and enchanted season of:

*Joy
*Giving
*Generosity
*Warmth
*Family
*Friends
*Relationships
*Faith
*Hope
*Love
*Miracles

The list can go on and on... So why am I not feeling it this year? I'm listening to loads and loads of Christmas music, yet it's not sinking in. I remember last year, I was working for CG and was adamant about celebrating Hanukkah, not Christmas, still somehow the magic has crept in and it turned out to be a beautiful season in spite of all the craziness at work...

This year is quite different. It's been a rough year and I was hoping that things would lighten up by the time the holidays rolled around... Some things did get better, some stayed the same, and some got worse. You know how it is said say that things must get worse before they get better? Well, it's gotten WAY worse and I'm still waiting for the light at the end of the tunnel. What's even harder is knowing that it's your own fault... That you're the one who screwed up and are now paying the consequences.

So I was going into this holiday season full of fear that Christmas will not be a season of joy and everything listed above, but instead, of pain, brokenness, tears, sadness, loss, emptiness, loneliness, and the like... AND THEN, I realized that that's exactly the state that the nation of Israel was in right when Jesus was born... Under the oppression of the Roman empire, waiting for their miracle, their Savior, their Messiah... And He came... To bring the miracle of:

*Hope
*Faith
*Love
*Life
*Redemption
*Restoration
*Healing
*Salvation

To make all things new... That's the magic of Christmas... Embrace it, believe it, live it...