Heartbroken...

Current mood: sad
Category: Life

I didn't think I was going to cry. In fact I was sure I wouldn't. I told myself it wasn't a big deal. Yea, I was sad, but I was more excited for her and I knew I'd see her again and even maybe come visit in the summer. I mean it's not like we saw each other everyday anyway. It was just one year and we'd still keep in touch. I thought it was going to be a fun, painless good bye, more like a "see ya later" even... and then God showed up and changed everything! My heart broke and I bawled my eyes out... I only cry that hard when it's God... it was painful... very painful... all of a sudden it suddenly hit me like a ton of bricks: Lesley, my sweet Lesley, my cadre leader Lesley will be GONE for a whole year! She's going to travel across the world... to ISRAEL!!! When we were praying for her, the presence of God was so thick, so heavy, it filled my heart with such love for her... love that was always there, but that was now burning with a realization of what was going on... it's God... it was ALWAYS God's plan for her to go. It blows my mind that God knows our life before we are even born... That He has a plan and a destiny for us that is so detailed and HUGE! I know it's God who's taking her there and that's incredibly exciting and amazing, but it's also incredibly painful. Painful because she is being taken away from her beloved family and friends who love her and cherish her and who will miss her more than words can describe. As I think back on the last year and a half of knowing her and her being not only my cadre leader but a friend, I can remember every moment we spent together, every conversation, every cup of coffee... God has knitted our hearts together and the separation hurts. A lot. But such is our life. It is not our own, we have laid it down for God, to be used for His glory. And He is in control of it and will do whatever He wants with us. And that's amazing, it's a great honor and it's so exciting, I love it. But it can also be just as painful as it is great. I'm not happy that the Carpenters are leaving. I'm not happy that Lesley is leaving. It hurts to lose the people you love. But I know it's God and I know I'll see them again and I know that God will be glorified through this and that He will do HUGE things through them, so I'm happy because of that. During prayer God also told me that that will be me one day. That one day my friends will lay hands on me to send me away to where God calls me. Russia, Israel, Africa... I don't know where, but I know I'll go. That was always the plan, I just didn't realize the logistics of it until tonight. That it would mean salty tears and painful good byes with the people I love. I love God. And I love Lesley. And I know God loves her more. So I trust Him with her. And I trust Him with myself and my future. God is good and He does good things... sometimes they are painful but still good... kind of like when Jesus left the disciples to go to heaven... they must have been heartbroken... kind of like I was tonight...