Russians Only

Current mood: peaceful
Category: Music

Diana showed me this today... i love it... check it out:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TnKcsIxQZmc

i got 2 new russian cds thanks to sashka :) lol so yea its pretty much all i'm listening to now!

Heartbroken...

Current mood: sad
Category: Life

I didn't think I was going to cry. In fact I was sure I wouldn't. I told myself it wasn't a big deal. Yea, I was sad, but I was more excited for her and I knew I'd see her again and even maybe come visit in the summer. I mean it's not like we saw each other everyday anyway. It was just one year and we'd still keep in touch. I thought it was going to be a fun, painless good bye, more like a "see ya later" even... and then God showed up and changed everything! My heart broke and I bawled my eyes out... I only cry that hard when it's God... it was painful... very painful... all of a sudden it suddenly hit me like a ton of bricks: Lesley, my sweet Lesley, my cadre leader Lesley will be GONE for a whole year! She's going to travel across the world... to ISRAEL!!! When we were praying for her, the presence of God was so thick, so heavy, it filled my heart with such love for her... love that was always there, but that was now burning with a realization of what was going on... it's God... it was ALWAYS God's plan for her to go. It blows my mind that God knows our life before we are even born... That He has a plan and a destiny for us that is so detailed and HUGE! I know it's God who's taking her there and that's incredibly exciting and amazing, but it's also incredibly painful. Painful because she is being taken away from her beloved family and friends who love her and cherish her and who will miss her more than words can describe. As I think back on the last year and a half of knowing her and her being not only my cadre leader but a friend, I can remember every moment we spent together, every conversation, every cup of coffee... God has knitted our hearts together and the separation hurts. A lot. But such is our life. It is not our own, we have laid it down for God, to be used for His glory. And He is in control of it and will do whatever He wants with us. And that's amazing, it's a great honor and it's so exciting, I love it. But it can also be just as painful as it is great. I'm not happy that the Carpenters are leaving. I'm not happy that Lesley is leaving. It hurts to lose the people you love. But I know it's God and I know I'll see them again and I know that God will be glorified through this and that He will do HUGE things through them, so I'm happy because of that. During prayer God also told me that that will be me one day. That one day my friends will lay hands on me to send me away to where God calls me. Russia, Israel, Africa... I don't know where, but I know I'll go. That was always the plan, I just didn't realize the logistics of it until tonight. That it would mean salty tears and painful good byes with the people I love. I love God. And I love Lesley. And I know God loves her more. So I trust Him with her. And I trust Him with myself and my future. God is good and He does good things... sometimes they are painful but still good... kind of like when Jesus left the disciples to go to heaven... they must have been heartbroken... kind of like I was tonight...

This is for EVERYBODY...

...who knows that they are not right with God. You may know the truth, but you also know that you are not living it. You want to, but just somehow...cant. Not so long ago in by "BC" days I used to be a "double-life" Christian: club on Saturdays, church on Sundays. I knew the truth, I knew God had a plan for my life, and I knew I wasnt living in it... it's not that I wasnt trying... I just couldnt... not by own efforts. At that time, this song was the cry of my heart. I knew that God was still there and I didnt want Him to give up on me. I knew that somehow, someday He would change my life when I couldnt do it myself. And He did. I still love this song and I hope it will do the same for you that it did for me. Dont give up on God, because He'll never give up on you. Keep crying out to Him and He will reveal Himself to you. His love is always there... constantly...


ZOEGIRL

"Constantly"

You said "Come to me, if you're weak"
"I won't look away & I will keep you close"
But the closer I get the harder it seems
I find myself pulling away from all of the things I believe

Lord, don't give up on me, it's You I need
So let your love rain down upon my soul
Filling up the deepest hole
I still love You so
I have tried to cross this river wide
And even though the storms were raging high
I could see Your light shining constantly
Constantly, You were always there

You said "Lay it down. give it up"
"I will understand no matter what it is"
But instead I face failures & constant disbelief
That you could ever love me knowing the secrets I keep

Despite my broken heart & shattered dreams
Lord, You're right there reminding me, reminding me

Oh, I have called to You in time of need
You let Your love rain down upon my soul
Constantly You let me know, You still love me so
Oh, I have tried to cross this river wide
And even though the storms were raging high
I could see the morning light, shining in the sunrise
Constantly...