A Higher High...

Things that get me "high":

-Being asked to dance by a "really good lead" for the first time (and every time after that :P)
-Executing perfect spins and turns (and managing to incorporate some hot styling move on top of it!)
-Being able to follow a complicated dance pattern and get complimented on it in the end :P
-Hearing someone say that they love dancing with me :)
-Rockin' out to some really good music!
-Hearing my favorite song when I least expect it :)
-Shopping!!!
-Getting genuine compliments
-Phone calls from good friends "just to catch up" :)
-Texts, calls, emails and fb notifications from a current crush ;)
-Knowing that I made a difference... (That I was just used by God :D)

This (incomplete) list barely scratches the surface of the things that make me feel good... Things that give me that lightheaded feeling of endorphins running through my body... Pure bliss...There's only one problem... They don't satisfy... No matter how much I get, I always want more. It's like drinking a warm sugary drink on a hot day when you're really thirsty... It doesn't quench your thirst... No matter how good it may taste, it's not what you "need". It's like a drug... A momentary hit of pleasure that passes way too soon and leaves you with that empty longing feeling for more... It's short term happiness that needs to be re-filled over and over in order to last.

As "high" as the things above get me, there is a higher "high" that doesn't result in a "crash" :P It's what satisfies like nothing else and leaves you better than you were found... It's the presence of God... It's knowing that you're standing/sitting/laying/kneeling before your creator and feeling so loved, so complete, so whole, so full... And feeling so much love for this incredible being that you think your heart just might burst from the overflow of all this passion... It's what Jesus was talking about when He said that whoever drinks of His water shall never thirst again because that water will become a spring of life from within... Skillet says it best in their song "You're better than drugs". It's really that good... It's your spirit connecting with His spirit in worship and you getting so lost in that moment that nothing else matters... It's forgetting about yourself and literally giving your all to this incredible person of Jesus Christ... The one who loves you like no one else, even with all your failures, shortcomings, issues, scars and flaws... And it's the feeling of knowing that you are in fact THAT loved, THAT forgiven, accepted, adored, cherished and taken care of that makes you fall even deeper in love with Him... And it's that LOVE that manifests itself in worship and gives you the highest high there is... A high of fulfilling your created purpose - being in a relationship with your creator.

To Know is to Trust

A dear friend of mine recently shared how God told her that to know Him is to trust Him. In terms of that (a relationship with God), the statement totally made sense, but there was something else about it that caught my attention. Of course I trust God because I know Him! I know how good, awesome and faithful He is. I've experienced it! He's so personal to me... I know He loves me and I trust in His love for me... I know He only wants the best for my life.

Hearing my friend say those words ("to know is to trust") that night, brought me back to something another person told me just a few days prior. Someone whom I've considered a close friend told me that they didn't trust me. Processing those words stung quite bitterly as a flood of thoughts rushed from my heart towards my brain. "What do you mean you don't trust me?! After everything you've already shared with me? After all the times I've been there for you? Don't you know how much I love you? Don't you know how much I care about our friendship? Don't you know that I only want the best for you? Don't you KNOW me?!" And then it all made sense... Even though I could have sworn she knew, maybe she didn't. And maybe the issue wasn't me... Maybe it was her.

What makes us trust a person? And does trust come slowly and go quickly? For me, I find that it's the opposite... Once I feel like I know someone cares about me, I trust them quickly, and stop trusting them slowly. Looking back now at the different friendships in my life, including that particular one, I'm beginning to evaluate which one of my friends I really know and trust, and which ones know and/or trust me. It's easy to tell who is holding back on you :P So then can you still trust those who you know don't trust you? Does one friend have to take a risky leap and trust first in order to encourage the other to do the same? What exactly does one need to prove in order to be trusted? And how do you prove it?

Friendship, just like love, has to be mutual in order to be affective. Or does it??? How much power does it actually have versus the amount of power we give it?

I don't think I have these answers... I'm still kinda learning... I want to be a good friend (whatever that means) and be trusted. I also want to be able to trust others. And I think I do... Perhaps more recklessly than I should, but I rather love than not, rather know than be ignorant, rather reachout than hold back, and rather trust than be paranoid... And I'm ok with having my heart be prodded and poked in the process, because that's what keeps it soft... And I want to have a soft heart. Alongside a strong, hard and wise backbone of course :)

2009 Review

Looking back at 2009, I can honestly say that it's been a good year :) If I had to theme it, I would say it was a year of clarity... Here are some highlights (in no particular order of time or importance):

*Perfecting the art/gift of networking, socializing, and friendship/relationship building :P

*Learning to let go and having it hurt less and less... Or maybe just learning to hold things more loosely...

*The start up of Beautiful Feet and the Seattle Salseras Sisterhood

*Eurotrip to visit Ulu in London and my 24 hour Paris adventure ;)

*Making peace with salsa and understanding my place/purpose of being there

*Getting my pastors' blessing for BF and dancing

*The 40 day fast... Learning about self control, grace, forgiveness and love :)

*My snowboarding injury and speedy recovery :) As well as my 2nd degree burn and a SUPERNATURAL speedy recovery :) - NOTHING can keep me off the dance floor ;)

*Finally taking dance classes: tango (didn't last long) and salsa (I'm gettin' GOOD...)

*Placing 3rd in my first salsa competition :) and going to my first salsa congress!!!

*Friends... New ones, old ones... Real ones :)

*My Hawaii vacation!

*Getting my TEFL certification!!!

*Preaching at a girls' encounter retreat

*A new car!

*My friend Justin's passing... I've never had someone close to me die before and this has completely blindsided me... I'm sorry to all who've had to put up with me during these last 2 weeks :(

Most importantly, this past year has made me realize that I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be, doing exactly what I'm supposed to be doing. It has brought unquestionable and undeniable clarity to the call God has placed on my life as well as the gifts and talents He has given me to fulfill it... His protection over me is incredible... Sometimes I feel like I'm literally in a bubble of His grace... He's got me :)

A New Year's resolution? Just one... Never go to bed upset at anyone/anything. I want to resolve all conflict before the day's end... Even if it is at 3am :P Inspired by Ephesians 4:26 - "Be angry without sinning. Don't go to bed angry."

Goals for 2010? Well... I think I'm just gonna keep doing what I'm already doing... Dancing, church, friends, BF, SSS... I'm excited for progress, growth and development in each of these areas :) I want to see LOTS of fruit! 2010 will also be my year of salsa congresses ;) hehe

Mourning a friend...

Justin Key was the reason I could say "Yes!" whenever people would ask me if I actually knew anyone who was a great salsa dancer AND an amazing Christian leader. With ridiculously good looks, a huge heart, an intellectual mind, and a witty sense of humor, he was my wild card, the "perfect guy"... The "complete package"... Everything any girl could want... Oh, and did I mention that he was also a great friend?

When Surekha called me yesterday with the news of his sudden death, I flat out didn't believe her. Justin? No way, he was just here for Thanksgiving and I was supposed to go see the Nutcracker with him and his family, but I didn't... We talked on the phone and decided it was no big deal because we'll see each other over Christmas break when we'd have more time to hang out and go salsa dancing together.

Justin was the second person I met when I started dancing 3 years ago. Mike was the first, and he is the one who brought me to Century and introduced me to Justin. From then on, Justin literally watched me go from a "horrible beginner" to a "blossoming intermediate". The next time we danced, I was planning on impressing him with an "amateur advanced"... I remember texting him and begging him to come to HaLo with me on Mondays to practice... He took classes and I didn't, so I thought that by dancing with him, I would be learning the same thing he was... He assured me it wasn't the same...

I remember him paying my cover at Century when I couldn't... I remember meeting at Triple Door with our "crew"... I remember the hugs, the affection, the stories, the jokes... Haha, I remember our accidental "kiss" on the dance floor! I remember getting frustrated because I couldn't follow him, and elated when we would have smooth, flawlessly flowing dances that would leave me thinking I was finally "good"...

I remember texting him and making him promise me he would stay at Century until I got there (he liked to leave early, by 10:30pm - gosh, he was so responsible...). I remember running into him on the stairs, him having his coat on and being all ready to go, and me making him take it off so that we could have a dance before he left... I remember being invited to all his parties... and only making it to his birthday one... I remember being the only friend who could make it to one of his Toastmasters events and how happy he was to see me...

The last time I saw him, we went on a hike, got a pizza and watched Iron Man at his parent's house (they weren't there). He made me try whiskey. I spat it out. He was just getting ready to embark on his South American adventure and then grad school... I was starting to pack for Hawaii... We talked about our visions and plans, life and what we want out of it... We talked about church, God, and how much we love Him... We discussed C.S. Lewis' Till We Have Faces because both of us have borrowed it from Tembi... I remember thinking, Wow, this guy is going to make a great husband and an amazing father one day... Deep down (like many others, I'm sure) I was even entertaining the thought of being the lucky girl...

I didn't make it to his going away party... We texted, facebooked, and google chatted occasionally. When he randomly called me a month before Thanksgiving to ask me to be his "date" for The Nutcracker, I was excited over the opportunity to reconnect... When the time arrived however, we mutually decided to postpone it 'till Christmas... And now it was been postponed 'till heaven...

Yes, I'm sad, and yes, I've cried. I'm sad for his family and I'm sad for his friends, myself included... I will miss him... I regret taking him for granted, thinking that he'd always be there, that we'd have more time, more dances, more hugs, more conversations, that I would see him again...

And I know I will see him again... I know Justin was a solid man of God who loved Jesus and lived for Him... I know Justin is in heaven right now, and I know him and I will salsa dance there when we meet again :) Meanwhile, I will miss him...

Life is fragile... Life is temporary... Our time here is fleeting... I'm grateful that Justin and I, as well as a lot of our friends, know Jesus... Because of Him, we can have peace, comfort, strength and even joy during this time... I know Justin is rejoicing in heaven right now, and I am happy for him...

Meanwhile, I'm still here... Loving each person God placed in my life. Loving them recklessly and with abandon. Not taking anyone for granted... Wearing my heart on my sleeve, being vulnerable and making sure they know I love them...

Following Before Styling

Following: Doing what you're directed to do. Styling: Doing your own thing. Following: it takes 2. Styling: a solo act.

When I first started salsa dancing, I had no idea what "styling" was. I was too busy and focused on trying to follow my partner that the idea of doing some extra moves on the side didn't even occur to me. Fast forward a couple of years, and thanks to a few of Becka's workshops, I was beginning to incorporate some hand, foot and head work into my dance. As I got more and more comfortable, I started picking up more and more styling techniques from my other favorite follows, such as Julia and Juliet, as well. Naturally, I thought this made me a good dancer. So imagine my shock and surprise when after my first dance with one of the Seattle salsa "legends", I was told (by him) that I styled too much and needed to follow more. WHAT?! Are you kidding me?! You want me to go back to just following? Go back to "the basics"? Yes. Because apparently that's what makes a great dancer.

What does a lead want from a follow? I can't say I know it all, but I do know that responsiveness and cooperation are definitely on the list. Having your hand there when he needs it for the next move, moving your arm out of the way so he can bring you in, keeping your elbows in so you don't hit him, shoulders down so he can spin you, etc. It's the whole "working together" thing that makes the dance work (and make you look good!). Sometimes it takes a little sacrifice on the follow's part to show off a little less and cooperate a little more. However, there is a time to shine and style and make yourself look good :) When your partner's hands are off of you :P Ok, so not only then, but when the time is right, when your lead "allows" you to do so...

Who do we style for anyway? Is it for ourselves, to make us feel good about our dancing? Just knowing that we can do it... Or for our partner, so that he'd realize how hot of a dancer you are? What if he's too focused on himself to even notice? Or is it for the crowd, to put on a show and get asked for more dances by the "good" leads who are watching? Sometimes just the pressure of being watched is enough to make us do stuff we wouldn't normally do... I suppose it's a combination of the 3...

So how does that translate into our walk/dance with God? Should we be "following" more than we are "styling"? In a true partnership, it takes 2 people working together towards a common goal. So when He "leads" us to do something, how often do we say, "Ok, Lord, yea, I'll do that, but then I'm just gonna this and this here for myself as well, while I'm at it." And sometimes it's ok... He didn't create us to be robots, for crying out loud! But other times, when we get too self absorbed in doing our own thing for ourselves, we may miss seeing His hand trying to lead us into the next move He has for us... Sometimes our "styling" can not only cause us to miss His hand, but also to get in the way of Him trying to bring us in closer, and in other ways, cause more harm than good.

So then how do you know when it's ok to style and when it's not? Well, by principle alone, be a follow first. Always be aware of where your lead's hands are and what he's doing. If he wants your hand, give it to him! If not, feel free to style away... In choreographed routines, styling is already worked into the dance... But our life, and social dancing, are not choreographed, so we just have to be extra sensitive to the promptings of the lead... So remember girls (and boys), follow first and style on your own time ;-P!

Leading by Following

While editing a friend's grad school essay, I came upon what I thought was a profound statement:

"On the hardwood moving to music, the feel of a natural connection is distinct, immediate, and unforgettable. It is a palpable attraction, but not of love, lust, or social rapport. It is a natural ease in communication between a follow and lead’s (in social dance men are generally called leads and women follows) bodies to music.

Dancing salsa for nearly nine years, my lead style is highly personal and rhythmically unusual. Follows with whom I share a natural connection are a scant few. The rest of a given nights’ dances require patience, sensitivity to a follow’s specific pattern and rhythm of movement, adjustment to hand and body pressure, and an alteration of my own preferred style. Great leads follow nearly as much as great follows lead. The goal is communication, never coercion."

Immediately, it brought me back to another profound statement I heard in this amazing message: "Grace (Jesus) leads by following." In the great picture of a shepherd leading his flock, what you cannot always tell, is that the shepherd leads the sheep by following them... Walking behind them, not in front of them, so that he can see when they go astray, get into trouble and get hurt. He's behind them so he can follow them into all the pits and ditches that they manage to get themselves into, follow them down the wrong turns, paths, and roads so he can rescue them and direct them where he wants them to go with his voice, staff and rod. All from behind...

God's grace is amazing... And Jesus being the personification of that grace is not just some "light at the end of the tunnel" that we're supposed to follow. He follows us... His love follows us when we get diverted, distracted, tired, stubborn, disobedient and hurt... He follows us when we can't follow Him... When we make the wrong choice, go down the wrong road, and end up in the wrong ditch. He follows us, sees us, protects us, rescues us, and leads us by directing us back onto the "right" path with His voice and His hands. That's grace... It's not about judgement or force... It's about understanding and adjustment. God's Word doesn't adjust, but His methods in dealing with us do... It's not about lowering the bar... It's about working with us until we can reach it, about lifting us up until we reach it...It's about saying, "I know you're not there yet, but it's ok, 'cuz I'm not leaving you until you are. I'm gonna stick with you and help you until you are."

As I look at my life, I see many moments in my walk/dance with God when I was being a less than perfect "follow". What I value and appreciate so much now, is that He didn't just keep "leading" when He knew I wasn't able to follow... He stuck close to me and followed me...

Which is another reason why I can't wait to dance salsa with Jesus in heaven :P Because He IS the PERFECT lead :D!

The "Dark" Side

I love music. I love dancing. I love salsa. There's little (besides Jesus) that can make me as exhilarated as being able to flawlessly follow someone who is a "great lead". The steps, the turns, the spins, the tricks, the styling, the shines, the footwork, and of course my favorite, the dips, make salsa dancing not only a fantastic workout, but also a thrilling passion that I'm planning to enjoy my whole life :) For the first couple of years I've tended to brush off salsa as "just a hobby", but in this past year, I've really come to love and appreciate it as much more than that... All the wonderful friendships I've made there have really transformed "the scene" into a community that has been teaching me concepts beyond the basic steps and techniques of dancing. What started out as a selfish enjoyment has outgrown the box I tried to put it in and developed a life of its own :P.

All that being said, I've progressed a lot in salsa in the last few months! Got 3 more pairs of shoes, started taking lessons, placed 3rd in my first competition and finally made it to my first congress! The Seattle Salsa Congress was absolutely awesome... Not only was it the best workout of my life, but I seriously think it was the best I've ever danced. Yet ;) So yea, I had a great time dancing 'till 4 am with the hottest superstars, both visiting and local, and am now officially hooked :P I must say it was a pretty sweet experience...

Bittersweet actually. The bitterness came from seeing a dark side of salsa that I knew existed before, but was never so harshly exposed until this weekend. And all the events leading up to it... I know I've already written about how some guys pick up girls at salsa and about how some girls pick up guys at salsa, so I won't go there again. Where I will go though, is how the last 2 months or so (last weekend being the grand finale) have brought me back to my days of being a young (and stupid) club hopping college student. As embarrassed as I am to admit it, those were the days of me "pre-gaming" in my friends' dorm rooms, going down to the club where the bouncer, bartender and DJ knew me by name, and making it my mission for the night to get the hottest guy with the best dance moves on floor to buy me a drink/ask for my number/hook up with me. Unfortunately, I usually succeeded in at least 2 out of the 3. I knew what it took to succeed: dress scandalously, flirt shamelessly, dance dramatically. Back then, I was naive enough to think that they actually liked me, but now I know that were driven purely by testosterone. And alcohol (as was I). There's always that element of "alcohol enhanced" behavior... Brad Paisley even wrote a song about it. It just makes you do things in the afterhours of the night that you would never dream about doing in broad daylight (for the most part, with good reason). Why? Because when you're drunk, or even buzzed, you just don't care. You're so focused on "feeling good" that any thought of any consequences just seems so foreign and removed that well... things happen.

Anyway, the way all of this ties in with the "dark" side of salsa is that over the last couple of months, I've been seeing more and more of that "college club type" behavior on and off the dance floor. Or maybe it's always been there and I just haven't noticed because I've never been involved and it has never touched me. Up until now... I've been "saved" from that lifestyle for over 4 years now (thank You, Jesus!) and have vowed never to go back. Still, in my heart I'm a dancer, and have found salsa to be "an alternative" of the sort. It just seemed more "grown up", more sophisticated, more structured, more in "good taste" and overall "cleaner". And so I embraced it fully. For the most part, salsa dancers don't really drink - the dance demands too much focus and attention to be staggering around drunk. However, there are always exceptions. Special events such as festivals and congresses, especially ones that involve travel and overnight stays in hotels just beg for trouble and promiscuity... I mean, come on, here you are, away from home and your significant other (if you have one), on a "vacation" so to speak, surrounded by all these "sexy" people, who are all "single" (or at least acting like they are), the dance floor is heating up and guess what? The dark privacy of your (or their) hotel room is just a short elevator ride away...

For my first salsa congress, this has been an interesting experience starting from the pre-congress party. It was quite amusing actually, all these hot shots trying to get a "feel" on me, telling me how "sexy" I am and how I should "afterparty" with them. They're "all that" and they know it, and there's nothing worse... I, personally, don't consider "sexy" to be a compliment. Because it has the word "sex" in it, it denotes that you see me as nothing more than a sex object, which is quite degrading, really. So yea... the dance floor was quite a sight these last 4 nights... You could literally see the line being drawn between "the light" and "the dark"... On one side, people having pure, clean, innocent fun just enjoying the dance and each other's company, and on the other, consumption of drinks after drinks, showing off, getting "down and dirty" and "evaluating" whose room to spend the night in. So much pretense, so much superficiality, so much "performance"... Which made me a bit sad in a way, because it has cast a shadow over something which I dearly love and enjoy. Yes, I thought these guys were amazing dancers and yes, I totally wanted to dance with them, talk to them, get to know them and hang out with them... But... BTW, I'm only referring to like 3% of the guys there, everyone else I met were actually super cool :).

And so I'm grateful for the Seattle salsa scene... I might have had a few run ins with some "players", but for the most part, the scene is small enough to force everyone to "keep it real." At least on the home turf...

Moral of the story: I know I can't speak for everyone, but generally, girls don't like to be "objectified" as sex objects based on how we look, dance or even speak. Nobody wants to be a fling, a one night stand, a mistake, and/or an "out of town" hook up. Sure, it's all fun and games at first, but how good will you really feel about yourself the next day knowing that you just "prostituted" your body in exchange for that momentary emotional and physiological high... Girls, you're worth way more than that... Don't let some hot shot guy use his powers of dance, touch and whispered sweet nothings (which literally mean nothing) in your ear melt your heart and cause you to surrender your body. Don't cross over to "the dark side"! :P