I'm just about half way through my 40 days, and it's nice... I'm pretty much settled into the "new" routines, "new" bedtimes (lol) and "new" surroundings. In fact, I like being in this "bubble" so much, that I'm considering doing 40 more days! Ok, fine, I wont :P It does feel good to be nurtured, strengthened, refreshed, recharged and healed and restored though :) Even though I already feel 200% better, I don't want to cut my regiment short. It's too good! I'm getting too much out of it :) Here's what's been on my mind thus far:
*You can only rebuild that which has already been broken. It's the whole potter/clay analogy... Mold me, shape me, form me...
*I value grace when I recognize it being given to me by God. But I value it so much more now that I realize how much I need it from people as well.
*Damage can be done instantaneously. A misinterpreted word, look or touch (or lack thereof altogether) can often be enough to cause damage equivalent to a gunshot wound (through the heart).
*Some time ago, I fell for the first time while rollerblading at Greenlake. As my knee made contact with the road, the bloody mess appeared right away, while the pain didn't. Still, I played it tough, got up, brushed myself off and rollerbladed the rest of the way back even as blood was trickling down my leg. In fact, I didn't feel any pain or even realize the extent of the damage until I tried to clean it up later. While cleaning up was necessary, ironically, it was also the most painful.
*Soul wounds are parallel to physical wounds, and can fester with infections of anger, bitterness and resentment. They need to be treated with an anti-bacterial ointment (God's love poured into our hearts via the Word of God a.k.a. the Bible).
*Scabs are tricky... You never want to remove them prematurely for the risk of having to go through the healing process all over again. Let them fall off naturally and on their own, even if it does take more time... While it may be fun to test and push the boundaries, the additional pain resulting from that is not worth it.
*I think scars are there to be a testimony, a constant reminder of what happened and a warning to not let it happen again.
*It's not what you do, or what is done to you that matters. It's how you respond in the aftermath. We can't control the actions of others, and sometimes even our own actions get misinterpreted or are just plain wrong altogether. So what do we do when we do wrong or are done wrong? I think the first step is to recognize (what really happened), the second is to forgive (yourself and the other person) and the third is to make amends (make things right and move on without holding any grudges).
*It has never ceased to amaze me how quickly the good can be forgotten when faced with the bad. Sure, we enjoy and appreciate kindness the moment it happens, but as soon as something goes wrong, it's like our memory becomes wiped clean of the good stuff and we only hold on to the bad. I want it to be the opposite for me: forget the bad stuff the moment it happens and hold on to the good forever :)
*Always think the best of people... I doesn't matter what kind of crazy thoughts and ideas are swarming in my head, I choose to think the best... And treat people according to that. I would be lying if I said I had it down... I don't... I'm working on it... Or I should say, God is working it out in me :)
*There is no fear (of rejection) in love, but perfect love (of Christ in me) casts out ALL fear :)
Friday, July 10, 2009
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Drawing Clear Lines
I love people. I am what you call an "extravagant extrovert". I get extreme pleasure from being around people and making new friends. I know no strangers.
I also love God. Jesus Christ, to be specific. I crave time in His presence, hearing His voice, feeling His touch, talking to Him, and seeing His reality in my life and the lives of others who know Him. I am what you call a "Christian".
And so my life was great... Loving God and loving people. In that order. And that's what made it great. My love for God overflowing into my love for people. All was good, my priorities were right and my heart was at peace. For a while...
I'm so ashamed to admit it, but somewhere along the line, that order switched. People came first and I began to compromise my relationship with God for my relationships with people. And I didn't even realize it until I was ready and willing to throw it all away. I looked at some of the people I was surrounding myself with and I actually envied them. They were "normal" and didn't have spiritual convictions and responsibilities to regulate their words and actions. The general rule of thumb seemed to be: If it makes you happy/feels good, then do it and deal with the consequences later. And so I wanted to be "normal". More specifically, I wanted to be free to do whatever I felt like at the moment and to date whomever I wanted without having this "issue" of "religion" (or lack thereof) come in the way. And then it hit me... I've already been there and done that... All of it. And where did it get me? I shudder to recall... And yet here I was, caught in compromise, eager to please my friends while leaving Jesus on the outskirts of whatever time/energy I had left after all the parties, dances and late night escapades. And it has cost me...
Thinking about it now, I have conformed so much to the crowd, I nearly lost myself and what I believe in. Reading The Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis really opened my eyes to what I got tangled up in, and has finally given me the resolve to shake it off and stand up for myself, my faith and my Christian lifestyle again. And so I will no longer give in to please others, try to fit in where I don't belong, apologize for being "different", stay silent when I need to speak, laugh when I need to stay quiet, and say "it's OK" when it's really not. There are actually two things in particular that I'm really not OK with, and for the last few days they've been agitating me so much, I'm going to mention them here.
1. Drinking/Seeing people (especially my friends) get drunk (or buzzed, whatever).
2. Cussing. Especially when people use the name of God as a curse word, and especially if it's girls. Hearing cuss words is like the sound of nails on the chalkboard for me. It irks me to no end and I hate it with a passion.
So these are just two of the things that I no longer want to be around. I still love people, and I absolutely adore my friends, but I love Jesus more. Way more. Yes, I'm a friend, and yes, I'm a dancer, but above all that I'm a Christian, and what may be "normal" for others may not always be normal for me. I'm called to a higher standard of life... And if the people in my life can't respect me, who I am, what I believe, and the lifestyle I live, then maybe they are not my friends to begin with... All I know is that I'm done compromising.
I also love God. Jesus Christ, to be specific. I crave time in His presence, hearing His voice, feeling His touch, talking to Him, and seeing His reality in my life and the lives of others who know Him. I am what you call a "Christian".
And so my life was great... Loving God and loving people. In that order. And that's what made it great. My love for God overflowing into my love for people. All was good, my priorities were right and my heart was at peace. For a while...
I'm so ashamed to admit it, but somewhere along the line, that order switched. People came first and I began to compromise my relationship with God for my relationships with people. And I didn't even realize it until I was ready and willing to throw it all away. I looked at some of the people I was surrounding myself with and I actually envied them. They were "normal" and didn't have spiritual convictions and responsibilities to regulate their words and actions. The general rule of thumb seemed to be: If it makes you happy/feels good, then do it and deal with the consequences later. And so I wanted to be "normal". More specifically, I wanted to be free to do whatever I felt like at the moment and to date whomever I wanted without having this "issue" of "religion" (or lack thereof) come in the way. And then it hit me... I've already been there and done that... All of it. And where did it get me? I shudder to recall... And yet here I was, caught in compromise, eager to please my friends while leaving Jesus on the outskirts of whatever time/energy I had left after all the parties, dances and late night escapades. And it has cost me...
Thinking about it now, I have conformed so much to the crowd, I nearly lost myself and what I believe in. Reading The Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis really opened my eyes to what I got tangled up in, and has finally given me the resolve to shake it off and stand up for myself, my faith and my Christian lifestyle again. And so I will no longer give in to please others, try to fit in where I don't belong, apologize for being "different", stay silent when I need to speak, laugh when I need to stay quiet, and say "it's OK" when it's really not. There are actually two things in particular that I'm really not OK with, and for the last few days they've been agitating me so much, I'm going to mention them here.
1. Drinking/Seeing people (especially my friends) get drunk (or buzzed, whatever).
2. Cussing. Especially when people use the name of God as a curse word, and especially if it's girls. Hearing cuss words is like the sound of nails on the chalkboard for me. It irks me to no end and I hate it with a passion.
So these are just two of the things that I no longer want to be around. I still love people, and I absolutely adore my friends, but I love Jesus more. Way more. Yes, I'm a friend, and yes, I'm a dancer, but above all that I'm a Christian, and what may be "normal" for others may not always be normal for me. I'm called to a higher standard of life... And if the people in my life can't respect me, who I am, what I believe, and the lifestyle I live, then maybe they are not my friends to begin with... All I know is that I'm done compromising.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Out on a limb...
Every now and then a situation comes along when it seems like what you want is finally within reach. And so we make plans, dream dreams, and dare to get our hopes up. We feel the thrill, the excitement, the anticipation. We can almost taste the success... We go for it, put ourselves out there, give it our best shot, all we've got, and then hold our breath and wait... All for nothing... Nothing but a slammed door in the face.
So what happens when we fail? Or when life seemingly fails us? What then? When hopes and dreams are dashed and crumbled, hearts broken and spirits crushed? Rejection is never pleasant, no matter which form it comes in. So what do we do? Dig a hole of self pity and bury ourselves in it? Hide in a dark corner of depression and cry bitter tears of resentment? The temptation to do all that is great...
Natural reaction to pain is always self defense for the fear of getting hurt again. When we make ourselves vulnerable, we risk getting hurt. And maybe 9 out of 10 times we will... So why do we keep doing it? Because that one time is worth it. Because you know that in order to get what you want you gotta keep trying. I'm all for "If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No need to make a fool out of yourself." Also, the definition of insanity is to do the same thing over and over while expecting different results. So by all means, common sense is very called for. No need to keep pursuing a shut door...
At the end of the day, what keeps you going and looking forward to the days ahead? I believe it's faith, hope and love mixed in with your God given gifts, talents and desires. Life is hard and pain is inevitable. While we cannot control many things, our attitude is always a choice. The temptation to run and hide every time things don't work out the way we want them to will always be there. Don't do it... It's too easy...
Love cannot not give... Love life. Love others. Love yourself. Love your Creator. And give it all your all :)
So what happens when we fail? Or when life seemingly fails us? What then? When hopes and dreams are dashed and crumbled, hearts broken and spirits crushed? Rejection is never pleasant, no matter which form it comes in. So what do we do? Dig a hole of self pity and bury ourselves in it? Hide in a dark corner of depression and cry bitter tears of resentment? The temptation to do all that is great...
Natural reaction to pain is always self defense for the fear of getting hurt again. When we make ourselves vulnerable, we risk getting hurt. And maybe 9 out of 10 times we will... So why do we keep doing it? Because that one time is worth it. Because you know that in order to get what you want you gotta keep trying. I'm all for "If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No need to make a fool out of yourself." Also, the definition of insanity is to do the same thing over and over while expecting different results. So by all means, common sense is very called for. No need to keep pursuing a shut door...
At the end of the day, what keeps you going and looking forward to the days ahead? I believe it's faith, hope and love mixed in with your God given gifts, talents and desires. Life is hard and pain is inevitable. While we cannot control many things, our attitude is always a choice. The temptation to run and hide every time things don't work out the way we want them to will always be there. Don't do it... It's too easy...
Love cannot not give... Love life. Love others. Love yourself. Love your Creator. And give it all your all :)
"Develop an attitude of faith, hope and love towards life. Many things are possible for the person who has hope. Even more is possible for the person who has faith. Still more is possible for the person who knows how to love. But everything is possible for the person who practices all three virtues."
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
To follow or not to follow?
Who you follow determines where you end up.
It's fascinating how seamlessly this well known fact of life correlates to the dance world of "leads" and "follows". Generally speaking, a follow simply reflects the actions of a lead(er). It's a simple equation where one variable (the follow) is directly affected by another (the lead). When the two step out on the dance floor, it is understood that one will lead and one will follow, otherwise, there will be no dance. When a follow accepts a dance invitation from a lead, it is pretty much (on a MUCH smaller scale) equivalent to a citizen choosing a president, a church appointing a pastor, a person choosing a mentor. You can only go as far as that person takes you.
In order to obtain growth and improvement, one must always be stretched, challenged and presented with new "stuff". The reason we "look up" to someone is because we recognize that they are "above" us in some way or another and we want that which they have. In every relationship, if we respect the person, we tend to want to emulate something about them, whether it's a character trait, a talent, work ethic, business, ministry, marriage, family life, whatever. These people are our role models, inspirations, "idols"...
Just being around them, however, is not enough. Hanging out with Mother Theresa will not necessarily improve your personality. Improvement can only come from change. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over while expecting different results. There is little we have control over in this world, but the one thing that we can always be in control of is ourselves, our thoughts, our actions, our attitude, and the way we respond to whatever is thrown at us in life. We need to choose to change. And all mental decisions need to be followed through with a physical action. In all of this, there is no place for emotions, because anything established on emotions will sooner or later crash and burn.
Last, and perhaps the most important point: You can't be a good lead without being a good follow. All of my favorite dance leads know how to follow. Coincidence? I think not. In order to better lead, one must be able to relate to the follow. Think of it as a chain of command... Every leader must be leadable... Good follows make the best leads.
So who are you following? Where are you heading? Where will you end up in life? Apostle Paul told the early churches to follow him as he followed Christ. I think that is the most perfect model of leadership there is. Ultimately, Jesus Christ is my only role model and I'm following Him by following those who also follow Him. As a result, I have others following me because I am following Him. I'm both a lead and a follow. Keeps me humble :)
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Reflections of RI
*The City*
Dubbed as the Renaissance City, Providence is a city like no other... The people, the culture, the atmosphere... The language! LOL I could not get over the heavy Italian accent I heard EVERYWHERE! Or was it just the Rhode Island accent that suddenly sounded stronger than ever after being away for so long? Funny thing is, after a couple of days, I sounded just like them... It all came back! I'm still amazed at how one city can be so beautiful, yet so ghetto all at the same time... On a couple of my strolls through certain neighborhoods I caught myself wishing I had my pepper spray with me... I was actually questioning my safely... Something I haven't done in Seattle yet...
*Family*
My dad is whipped... I can't believe it. I salute my stepmom, she is awesome! She has completely transformed my dad into a person I do not know. I suspect my adorable 3 year old half sister might have had a little to do with that as well... I guess (new) parenthood changes men... Still, some things about him are (sadly) still the same... Oh well, as long as he loves my stepmom and Sophia, I'm cool with whatever... My stepsister is a different story altogether... How bad was it of me to actually not want to be around her :(... Her bf and I get along great though!
*Friends*
True friends aren't necessarily the people you see everyday... They are the people you don't see for months, but when you do, you just pick up right where you left off... And it's like it was only yesterday... :) I guess what it came down to was that I saw people who wanted to see me. It was a random selection really... An ex bf, a high school reunion, some old co-workers and a mix of friends from college and church. Seeing them happy put a smile on my face. Seeing them struggle made me sad... In the end, all I could do was make sure they knew I loved them and was there for them. So many of them have been affected by the economy (RI has the highest percentage of unemployment in the country) and it has devastated them (esp. guys). I know that most of these people will always be in my life in some way or another because our connections are just so strong :)
*Dancing*
I don't know if I'm totally accurate in saying this, but from what I've seen while I was there, the Latin dance scene in RI leaves more to be desired... Maybe I am biased. Maybe I was just missing my friends, my cozy little dance hubs and Nick's amazing music, but dancing in Providence just didn't do it for me... I missed "my" leads - dancing with the people I know, love, and can affectionately hug afterwards :) I guess I can't fully enjoy dancing without connecting with the person I dance with :)
*Food*
Can you say I T A L I A N? Providence is truly famous for its strong Italian heritage, and that is clearly evident in its cuisine. Its restaurants and chefs are top notch, which is not surprising since one of the top culinary schools in the country, Johnson and Wales University, resides downtown. Providence is also famous for its many bars, lounges and "upscale" socializing. In a city run by mafia, what can you expect? ;)
Dubbed as the Renaissance City, Providence is a city like no other... The people, the culture, the atmosphere... The language! LOL I could not get over the heavy Italian accent I heard EVERYWHERE! Or was it just the Rhode Island accent that suddenly sounded stronger than ever after being away for so long? Funny thing is, after a couple of days, I sounded just like them... It all came back! I'm still amazed at how one city can be so beautiful, yet so ghetto all at the same time... On a couple of my strolls through certain neighborhoods I caught myself wishing I had my pepper spray with me... I was actually questioning my safely... Something I haven't done in Seattle yet...
*Family*
My dad is whipped... I can't believe it. I salute my stepmom, she is awesome! She has completely transformed my dad into a person I do not know. I suspect my adorable 3 year old half sister might have had a little to do with that as well... I guess (new) parenthood changes men... Still, some things about him are (sadly) still the same... Oh well, as long as he loves my stepmom and Sophia, I'm cool with whatever... My stepsister is a different story altogether... How bad was it of me to actually not want to be around her :(... Her bf and I get along great though!
*Friends*
True friends aren't necessarily the people you see everyday... They are the people you don't see for months, but when you do, you just pick up right where you left off... And it's like it was only yesterday... :) I guess what it came down to was that I saw people who wanted to see me. It was a random selection really... An ex bf, a high school reunion, some old co-workers and a mix of friends from college and church. Seeing them happy put a smile on my face. Seeing them struggle made me sad... In the end, all I could do was make sure they knew I loved them and was there for them. So many of them have been affected by the economy (RI has the highest percentage of unemployment in the country) and it has devastated them (esp. guys). I know that most of these people will always be in my life in some way or another because our connections are just so strong :)
*Dancing*
I don't know if I'm totally accurate in saying this, but from what I've seen while I was there, the Latin dance scene in RI leaves more to be desired... Maybe I am biased. Maybe I was just missing my friends, my cozy little dance hubs and Nick's amazing music, but dancing in Providence just didn't do it for me... I missed "my" leads - dancing with the people I know, love, and can affectionately hug afterwards :) I guess I can't fully enjoy dancing without connecting with the person I dance with :)
*Food*
Can you say I T A L I A N? Providence is truly famous for its strong Italian heritage, and that is clearly evident in its cuisine. Its restaurants and chefs are top notch, which is not surprising since one of the top culinary schools in the country, Johnson and Wales University, resides downtown. Providence is also famous for its many bars, lounges and "upscale" socializing. In a city run by mafia, what can you expect? ;)
*Loose Ends*
I do love Rhode Island and I do love Providence. However, I do not miss it. True, every time I visit I get overwhelmed by a wave of nostalgia that sweeps over me with the memories of the past, but it's a past that's dead and gone. My new life is in Seattle :) Seattle is home :) I love it :) It's just... me!
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
The (Re) Connection
I remember when I first started dancing salsa... As a hip hop dancer, I thought I already knew it all and could move to the beat better than most. Apparently that wasn't good enough for salsa... The only "partner" dancing I was familiar with at that point was "bump and grind", so needless to say, I had to start from scratch... At first, to me, salsa was all about the steps: the basics, the turns, the combinations... Later, I realized that it's all about being a good follow, which comes from something far more important than knowing the steps - a connection with your partner. That connection was something I was always fighting in other dances, but since it wasn't quite so physically intimate in salsa, I was OK in making it there (since I only danced with my friends anyway), thus becoming a better dancer.
It took me a bit longer to make that connection in bachata, and what it finally came down to was who I dance with. Since I already have a natural connection with my friends, the guys I know, love and respect, I feel safe letting down my guard and allowing myself to connect with them during the dance. I'd still never dance a bachata with a stranger though... Blues is the same way... I'm cool dancing and goofing around with my friends, but I can't get that close and personal with people I don't share affection with on a regular basis.
Let's switch over to tango now, this incredibly beautiful, complex, and difficult dance I've been trying to learn lately... I really must give it full credit for breaking down my physical comfort zone. I guess once you do the close embrace you don't go back... Anyway, the physical closeness is not the problem... My insecurities about not knowing what I'm doing are... I'm so focused on getting all the steps right, I'm distracted from what's really important: the music and the actual "connection" with my partner... Letting him move me...
It's the same in our relationship with God... Sometimes we can be so focused on getting all the "steps" right in our walk with Him, that we forget about the connection... Dancing to the music of His love... Letting Him move us, letting His love compel us... Isn't that what it all was meant to be about? The fear of our inadequacies will always break that connection... We are not always going to do/say/think/feel the right thing... Mistakes are bound to happen, but it's the connection that will keep Him and I together, and that connection can only come out of a relationship of trust. Trust in His character, His nature, His love, His Word, His promise... Dancing with Jesus is like dancing with a best friend... I know Him and He knows me, fully and completely, so it's a great dance everytime :P!
It took me a bit longer to make that connection in bachata, and what it finally came down to was who I dance with. Since I already have a natural connection with my friends, the guys I know, love and respect, I feel safe letting down my guard and allowing myself to connect with them during the dance. I'd still never dance a bachata with a stranger though... Blues is the same way... I'm cool dancing and goofing around with my friends, but I can't get that close and personal with people I don't share affection with on a regular basis.
Let's switch over to tango now, this incredibly beautiful, complex, and difficult dance I've been trying to learn lately... I really must give it full credit for breaking down my physical comfort zone. I guess once you do the close embrace you don't go back... Anyway, the physical closeness is not the problem... My insecurities about not knowing what I'm doing are... I'm so focused on getting all the steps right, I'm distracted from what's really important: the music and the actual "connection" with my partner... Letting him move me...
It's the same in our relationship with God... Sometimes we can be so focused on getting all the "steps" right in our walk with Him, that we forget about the connection... Dancing to the music of His love... Letting Him move us, letting His love compel us... Isn't that what it all was meant to be about? The fear of our inadequacies will always break that connection... We are not always going to do/say/think/feel the right thing... Mistakes are bound to happen, but it's the connection that will keep Him and I together, and that connection can only come out of a relationship of trust. Trust in His character, His nature, His love, His Word, His promise... Dancing with Jesus is like dancing with a best friend... I know Him and He knows me, fully and completely, so it's a great dance everytime :P!
Friday, February 27, 2009
Show Must Go On!
I thoroughly enjoy finding new parallels between dancing and my relationship with God :) Every time He shows me something new, I get really excited because I'm once again reminded that when we put God at the very center of our lives, it affects every area of our life :) Since God loves us so much, everything (and everyone!) we love is important to Him and He can teach us and speak to us through practically anything and everything!
So anyway, this is what I realized last night:
When I first started dancing, every time I'd mess up, I would just stop. Not only did it not look good, but it broke the momentum of everything I was doing before, which would have to get built up all over again once my partner got me back on track and we resumed the dance. Now, things are a bit different... Do I still mess up? Of course! Not as much as I used to, but occasionally small slip ups still occur. But you know what?! You'd never know it if you watch me now :) Because the more I dance, the better I get and the more I learn :) And one of the most important lessons I learned is to never stop... Just keep dancing! Even if I mess up or have no clue what's going on, I just keep on beat, keep doing the basic and keep up the momentum to go into another combination, turn or spin. And when I come out of it, I just go back to the basic! I never stop, because the key is to keep moving :)
In our walk with God, this principle translates the same way... Our journey with Him is a process. We are always learning, hence we still tend to mess up... So when you do, don't wallow in guilt, shame and condemnation! Don't stop doing what you're doing! Don't lose faith, hope and love :) Keep going... Keep on moving... Go back to the basic... Read your Bible, pray, surround yourself by the community and fellowship of other believers... Don't lose the momentum...
In this beautiful dance of life, God Himself is our partner, and He is faithful to complete the work He started in us. He'll get you back on track and into another exciting move :) Just learn to follow Him...
So anyway, this is what I realized last night:
When I first started dancing, every time I'd mess up, I would just stop. Not only did it not look good, but it broke the momentum of everything I was doing before, which would have to get built up all over again once my partner got me back on track and we resumed the dance. Now, things are a bit different... Do I still mess up? Of course! Not as much as I used to, but occasionally small slip ups still occur. But you know what?! You'd never know it if you watch me now :) Because the more I dance, the better I get and the more I learn :) And one of the most important lessons I learned is to never stop... Just keep dancing! Even if I mess up or have no clue what's going on, I just keep on beat, keep doing the basic and keep up the momentum to go into another combination, turn or spin. And when I come out of it, I just go back to the basic! I never stop, because the key is to keep moving :)
In our walk with God, this principle translates the same way... Our journey with Him is a process. We are always learning, hence we still tend to mess up... So when you do, don't wallow in guilt, shame and condemnation! Don't stop doing what you're doing! Don't lose faith, hope and love :) Keep going... Keep on moving... Go back to the basic... Read your Bible, pray, surround yourself by the community and fellowship of other believers... Don't lose the momentum...
In this beautiful dance of life, God Himself is our partner, and He is faithful to complete the work He started in us. He'll get you back on track and into another exciting move :) Just learn to follow Him...
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