Friends Forever

Been thinking a lot about friendship lately... I mean, with 800 something "friends" on Facebook (most of whom I actually know personally), the reality of who my real friends were was beginning to get a little blurred. Being so social and having so many people in my life put me in a bit of a predicament... Hundreds of people knew things about me, but not very many of them actually knew me. Which wouldn't necessarily be a problem if my life was boring, uneventful and I was able to keep my mouth shut. But no... I happen to live a pretty full, fun and "exciting" life, and share it with other people, because if you can't, than what's the point??? And so I talk, or post, or write, or comment about pretty much everything that happens to me on a day to day basis... What can I say, I'm pretty outspoken :P And so people talk... To me, about me, you name it. And well... sometimes information alone is not enough. Sometimes interpretation is necessary. And when it comes to personal matters, or issues of the heart, you can't assume, you have to know. And sometimes... you just have to experience.

I think I can safely say that I have at least 25 years of experience in friendship. Looking back, I can remember pretty much all of them. From preschool nap buddies and summer camp pals, to neighbors, school friends, college party partners-in-crime, co-workers, church, and dance... So many circles, so many paths, so many stories... Having made so many friends, I have to admit that I also lost a few ... Some I let go of quickly and with relief, and others I mourn and still hope to reconcile with, even to this day... They say a friendship that can end has never truly existed, and to some extent, I have to agree. But what signifies the end of a friendship? Loss of communication? No... Loss of common interests, activities, and community? Maybe... Loss of trust? Yes.

I've been through my share of arguments, disagreements and even "fights" with most of my friends at some point or another in our friendship, and of course the mature thing to do was to work it out, or at least try... And that can only be done through understanding. And understanding is, indeed, work. It's putting aside your own views, perspectives and feelings, and experiencing the situation in another person's shoes. Sometimes it worked, and sometimes it didn't... Sometimes the results were instantaneous, and other times it took days, weeks, months, and even years... But when it did work, when it really worked, the results were amazing. When understanding took place, a certain knowledge ensued... And not just an intellectual knowledge of superficial facts, but an intimate knowledge of someone's heart and soul... Having experienced what they experienced and felt what they felt, you "knew" them... The Greek word conosco means to know someone in such an intimate way, it is most often associated with the exclusivity of marriage, a circle of trust, a covenant of vows...

Anyway, my point is... People, even friends, may know things about you, but your best friends... they know you. Others may know what you did, but best friends know how you felt... Some may have heard what you said, but only those closest to you know what you meant... And with your best friends, with those who truly know you, it doesn't matter how far apart you live, or how often you speak... When the two of you are in the same room, it's like two hearts connecting as one... Or three hearts, or four, or however many you may be blessed enough to find, and keep... and love...

The End...

A casual hi, a casual dance, a winter friendship turned spring romance
The story unfolds through late night texts and calls, two broken hearts playing their roles
Medicating the pain with booze and affection, meeting dead ends and searching for new direction
Need overcomes fear, the void must be filled, yet the walls come back up as budding hope is killed
There's no comfort in truth, just crippling pain, beautiful innocence lost, the holding out was in vain
Addiction is bondage, being chained to the past, living in memories of all that was lost
Future uncertain, emotions come in waves, taking it one step at a time, not planning the days

Friends are like balloons...

Be kinder than necessary because everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle :)

A sharp tongue can cut your own throat :-O

If you want your dreams to come true, you mustn't oversleep :P

Of all the things you wear, your expression is the most important

The best vitamin for making friends ..... B1...

The happiness of your life depends on the quality of your thoughts .

The heaviest thing you can carry is a grudge.

One thing you can give and still keep . . . . is your word.

You lie the loudest when you lie to yourself.

If you lack the courage to start, you have already finished...

One thing you can't recycle is wasted time...

Ideas won't work unless 'You' do ..

Your mind is like a parachute . . . it functions only when open.

The 10 commandments are not a multiple choice...

The pursuit of happiness is the chase of a lifetime!

It is never too late to become what you might have been...

Life is too short to wake up with regrets. So love the people who treat you right. Forget about the ones who don't. Believe that everything happens for a reason. If you get a second chance, grab it with both hands. If it changes your life, let it . Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it.

Friends are like balloons -
once you let them go, you might not get them
back . Sometimes we get so busy with our own
lives and problems that we may not even notice
that we've let them fly away. Sometimes we are so
caught up in who's right and who's wrong that we
forget what's right and wrong... Sometimes we just
don't realize what real friendship means until it
is too late. I don't want to let that happen so
I'm going to tie you to my heart so I never lose
you.

Share this with all your friends and see
what happens. Even share it with your
balloons that you think have flown away forever.
You may be surprised to see them return...

Why Can't We Be Friends?!?!

I think I've finally accepted a fact of life that I've been trying to fight for a looong time :/ But experience is a hard teacher and this time, I might have just learned the lesson: Guys and girls can't *really* be "just friends". It's a myth that goes against American pop culture (and most other cultures), and as much as it feels warm and fuzzy to believe in, it's just an illusive illusion...

Fact #1 - Guys have GUY friends... And that's all the friends they really need/want. Guys want other GUYS to do stuff with and bond with over life issues... Stuff like watching sports, going to games, talking about cars, eating burgers, drinking beer, smoking cigars, playing cards, and picking up girls. Sure, once in a while a girl comes along who can hang with the guys, and yea, it makes her "cool", but in the end, she is still a girl, and somehow just doesn't fit in...

And with girls, it's pretty similar as well... We pretty much have our "friend" needs fulfilled by other girls... Those who are like us, who understand us, who we can do girl stuff with and rant about guys who piss us off. And sure, we enjoy having our "guy friends" to get "guy" advice from, flirt with and get help with car issues/moving/fixing stuff, but to be honest, in the back of our minds, we are always wondering if they like us, or if we like them, and if maybe one day we can be "more than friends"... Case point: Guys look to other guys for friendship and to women for mating possibilities (NOT necessarily a bad thing). This also applies vice versa.

Fact #2 - Guys only want to become friends with girls they are attracted to. ***And by "friends" I mean more than "casual acquintances". This involves hanging out 1:1, talking on the phone, texting and being "extra" affectionate with and attentive to. I mean having deep, personal, quality conversations, sharing stories, experiences and really connecting heart to heart - and it doesn't even have to be in a romantic way... at first.*** The point is, with guys, the physical (hormonal) attraction comes first, and they want to get closer (friendly) with you because their brain (penis) is already toying with the idea of how you are in bed. When he asks you to grab some food, it's not because his boys are not around, it's because he'd rather spend time with you in hopes that you'll give him what his boys can't - sex. So if you know that someone is already attracted to you (enough to express it and make it known to you/others) and they are trying to become your "friend", it's not purely because they want to get to know you or find out who/how you really are...

Fact #3 - Guys only stay "friends" with you as long as there is that possibility of them getting something more from you. They'll only want to talk, hang out and be alone with you as long as they know they are getting closer to their goal, whatever that may be... Once they realize that their goal will not be achieved and all their efforts are in vain, their interest in being close friends with you will evaporate faster than steam and they'll move on to someone new and more promising... The "friendship" will also evaporate once they do get what they want from you and you'll either move on to being more than friends (dating, relationship, marriage and so on) or retreat back to being casual acquaintances at best, and at worst... strangers.

Now before every guy out there gets offended and hates me (and I have no one left to dance with), let me make it clear that there are exceptions.

Exception #1 - Family members or friends who are significantly (10+ years) older and are seen almost as parent/mentor figures. It's nice to talk to/hang out with/get advice on the opposite sex from a brother/sister/cousin or someone you respect because of their life experience :)

Exception #2 - Shared interests. Guys/girls you see and hang out with in professional/social/religious/GROUP settings where you may share a hobby (dancing :P), a goal (working out?) or any other "life" passion that will give you a good common foundation to build on. Note: These types of friendships are always group based and are better described as "casual acquaintances" with NO 1:1 time/texting/phone conversations. Example: I enjoy dancing with a lot of guys, most of whom I find attractive, and yet I don't spend any quality 1:1 time hanging out/talking to any of them off the dance floor, because it's when I do that things get complicated :/ What's good about hanging out in groups is that you truly get to know someone in their element without expressing an interest in them, so there's no awkwardness/pressure.

Exception #3 - Gays. Hands down, gay men make THE BEST girlfriends, although I'm not sure if gay women make the best guyfriends...


***OTHER DISCLAIMERS***

Please take into consideration the difference between being friends and being friendly. Sure, guys and girls can be friendly at a distance, but bring the two together in a close relationship, and one will always end up wanting more from another. Now whether or not those desires are admitted, expressed, acted out upon or kept in check is a whole another issue, but the point stands: Strictly platonic relations between men and women are hard to come by... Please also take into consideration that everyone has different views on what "friendship" means and how close they are with their friends. In this day and age of blurred gender roles and open relationships, there seems to be no black and white as everything fades into the grey area of "what's true for me may not be true for you" and such, it's sometimes hard to call things out for what they truly are. But again, this is my blog and it's clearly just my opinion that is stated here.

I think this conversation from When Harry Met Sally sums it up quite well:

Harry Burns: You realize of course that we could never be friends.
Sally Albright: Why not?
Harry Burns: What I'm saying is - and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form - is that men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way.
Sally Albright: That's not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved.
Harry Burns: No you don't.
Sally Albright: Yes I do.
Harry Burns: No you don't.
Sally Albright: Yes I do.
Harry Burns: You only think you do.
Sally Albright: You say I'm having sex with these men without my knowledge?
Harry Burns: No, what I'm saying is they all WANT to have sex with you.
Sally Albright: They do not.
Harry Burns: Do too.
Sally Albright: They do not.
Harry Burns: Do too.
Sally Albright: How do you know?
Harry Burns: Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her.
Sally Albright: So, you're saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive?
Harry Burns: No. You pretty much want to nail 'em too.
Sally Albright: What if THEY don't want to have sex with YOU?
Harry Burns: Doesn't matter because the sex thing is already out there so the friendship is ultimately doomed and that is the end of the story.
Sally Albright: Well, I guess we're not going to be friends then.
Harry Burns: I guess not.

SuperWHY and SuperGOD

I love watching SuperWHY with Drew in the mornings :) It really is one of the best shows out there that teaches kids the alphabet, phonics, spelling and reading. Drew loves it and I really enjoy listening to him call out the answers and actively participate in naming letters, words and sounds.

Of course, I'm not in it for the academics (or the cheesy story lines), but somehow I still always get a lesson out of it... At the end of every show, after the Super Readers solve all the "little" problems, there is still that one underlying BIG problem that only SuperWHY can solve. As all the characters are freaking out and saying, "But this is what my story says, and there's nothing I can do about it," and "Oh no, what are we going to do, there seems to be no way out!!!" SuperWHY shows up and says, "With my power to read, I can change the story and save the day!" And then he goes on to change just one word in the story sentence and BOOM, like magic, all is well :)

I truly love that one part of the show (and watch it just for that reason) because it always reminds me that my God is a SuperGOD and with just one word, He has the power to change my story and save my day/week/month/season/year/life...

This Is Love Calling...

You know how there are things that are just unthinkable for us to do? Stuff that we can't ever imagine ourselves doing, things we swear we'll NEVER do, that we are not like that, that it's not "in" us? That was me last year... I saw so much of ________ going on around me and I swore that I would never do it. I was SO sure of it. I even told all my friends that even though so and so and so were doing it, I would never... I thought I was smarter, stronger, and better than that... Well guess what?! I did it... And not just once either... And then I thought my life was over. I got SO down on myself... How could I have done this thing??? I mean, it literally went against EVERYTHING I've lived and breathed for in the last 4.5 years. So yea... I plummeted, I crashed and I was broken from the fall... And then, my amazing friends came alongside me and showed me God's unconditional love and grace... "It's not over," they said, "You're not done, this is not the end of you. This is a defining moment, but it does not define you." "God knew you were going to do this, it didn't catch Him by surprise, He is not disappointed in you or love you any less."

Today in church, pastor Judah reminded us of Peter and how he denied Christ 3 times. Let's look at this story in the book of Matthew chapter 26 (NLT):

33Peter declared, “Even if everyone else deserts you, I will never desert you.”

34Jesus replied, “I tell you the truth, Peter—this very night, before the rooster crows, you will deny three times that you even know me.”

35“No!” Peter insisted. “Even if I have to die with you, I will never deny you!”

Peter was SO adamant about how he was NEVER going to do this "thing", and yet God knew... And He wasn't angry. He knew Peter was going to betray Him, but He also knew that Peter would repent and come back to be one of the greatest apostles and leaders of the first church. I can just imagine what was going through Peter's mind right after he denied Jesus three times and then looked up and met His eyes... I'm sure his anguish was even greater than mine, I'm sure he thought he was done, his ministry was done and that Jesus say, "I told you so!" and want nothing more to do with him... But he was wrong... Just like I was... Because God always finds us in our shame and our sorrow, when the world around us is crumbling by the doing of our own hands, He puts His hands around us and tells us He still loves us, that it's not over, that He's not done with us...

The consequences of my sin get thrown in my face on a daily basis. I've lost friendships over it and there are people who despise me because of it. What can I do??? The only thing I can - Cling to the one who loves me despite of my fall, the one who helped me get back up again and is not judging me based on my past, but guiding me towards a bright future...

"Dirty" Dancing

I'm a dancer. There are no "if"s, "and"s or "but"s about it. I've been dancing for as long as I can remember, and I plan to dance until I can no longer remember. One of my fondest childhood memories was throwing a dance party at my house for all my friends while my parents were out. I was 10 years old. My poor Grampa who was watching my brother and I at the time almost had a heart attack. That reminds me, I really should apologize to him for being such a handful.... Not that that's changed.

So anyway, back to being a dancer... I grew up being surrounded by music, but just listening to it has never been enough for me. My parents danced, their friends danced, my relatives danced, my culture danced... I was introduced to partner dancing in kindergarten for crying out loud!!! I guess you could say I started young... While I don't remember doing much dancing (besides by myself, in my room) during my elementary and Junior High years, I do remember going to all my high school dances (Homecoming, Winter Ball, Prom, etc.). Once I got to college, I thought I entered dance heaven as I discovered the "club scene". I used to dance so much at this one particular underage club called Remis, that one of my AOL screennames was "remisrat"... Yes, my friends, it was THAT bad. Every birthday, every aced exam, every special and semi-special occasion was celebrated with dancing, because, well, dancing made me happy.

My "dance friends" (because it was debatable whether or not we were REAL friends) and I didn't even need to drink, we just wanted to DANCE. However, we did drink, even though our drinking didn't have as much to with the dancing as it did with the boys we were dancing (and hooking up) with. That's right, I just brought "boys" into this, because other than when I was playing "Go-Go" dancer with my girls up on stage, it was always our mission to find cute boys with hot dance moves. And we did... And they have caused me A LOT of grief... Granted, a few of the boys I met at church have caused me a lot of grief as well, but let's stick to dancing for now. I guess what I'm trying to say is that via "club dancing", I've met and gotten involved with many "bad boys" who did a lot of damage to my heart, mind and self-esteem. Now whether or not they "corrupted" me is contestable, since I've always had a choice to say "no", I just somehow never could...

Let's fast forward to post-college days. After I moved to Seattle in 2005, I kissed clubbing good bye and didn't really dance for about a year until I joined the City Church GC Dance Team. Hip Hop choreography has never been my strength though, so I only stayed on the team for less than six months... Right up until the time I got introduced to salsa. With salsa, it was pretty much love at first note. The music (did I mention I've loved Latin music since high school?), the moves, the spins, and the "ballroom" atmosphere had me at hello and I didn't stand a chance. It really was a beautiful friendship... Until my first "salsa crush". That was the first time I almost stopped dancing, and perhaps I should have, because I wouldn't have been the only one who quit due to a broken heart... I've heard stories upon stories of girls who were hurt so badly they not only dropped off the "dance scene", but also from what seems like "the face of the earth". Well, I didn't stop. I came back, round after round, getting back in the ring only to have my butt (heart?) kicked time and time again...

Dancing is complicated. Some people try to simplify it by saying, "Just shut up and dance!", but it's almost like trying to simplify a heart attack - What you don't know can kill you. When you see dancing on TV, it looks simple enough - beautiful movement to beautiful music, but you have no idea what's behind it (unless of course, you, yourself, are a dancer). Music stirs up our emotions, our soul... It's powerful stuff... And close physical body contact does the same. That's why there's so much more to dancing than just moving to the music. Needless to say, I am referring to partner dancing here, salsa and the like to be specific, and the following observations, thoughts and opinions come strictly from my experience, but perhaps you too can relate...

Since hardly anything in this world can be looked upon in pure isolation, but rather in the context of its relationship with everything around it and as a whole, I want to place dancing in its proper context: Moving to certain music, with certain people, in certain places, with certain groups, in a ceratin atmosphere, all while receiving a certain "something" from it. It's a skill, a learned skill, as well as a natural talent, a passion, a desire, an "addiction" as many call it, and a lifestyle (as well as livelihood) for many. It can be healthy or unhealthy, it can help you, or it can hurt you, it's a social circle composed of the "good" and the "bad", and everyone's motives for being there are different. There's an essence of accomplishment, social buzz, exhilaration, satisfaction, fulfillment, and pride in being good at what you do...

I was recently asked why I love dancing so much. What about it made me want it, crave it, "need" it? What holes did it fill in my life and in my heart? Exercise? Social connections? Physical contact and a intimacy (real or false) with the opposite sex? A sense of accomplishment, worth, value? Feeling beautiful, feminine, sexy, desired, wanted? Belonging to a group? Has it become a source of my affection, attention, acceptance, validation, approval, and identity? What feelings and emotions was it stirring up in me? How was it shaping and molding me, my thoughts, my attitude, my life? Just thinking about it makes my head hurt, and yet, I know I need to consider each one of these questions seriously.

While watching Century High, a cabaret show put on by the Century Ballroom, I was both amused and horrified by their spoofs of Footloose and Dirty Dancing movies. In one particular scene, the main character, "Baby", was crying on the couch while writing in her diary something to the affect of "Why should I throw away everything, my whole life, just to be in a high school dance gang with people who don't even care if I live or die?" That line really struck me because of my previous experience in how fickle, shallow, superficial and backstabbing "dance" relationships can be. While I did meet a lot of "true blue" friends at salsa who I know will stick by me no matter what, those are few and far in between, and while I can say that I genuinely do love and care about many people in the salsa community (even those who have hurt me deeply), I somehow doubt that they feel the same way about me... Unfortunately, most friendships in the dance scene tend to be surface level, shallow, superficial and conditional - as long as we go out together, I'll smile, say hi, give you a big hug, and chat with you between songs, but as soon as one of us stops dancing, you'll never hear from me again. Sure, Facebook makes communication outside of dancing very convenient, but how deep do most Facebook "friendships" run? Typed words can never replace the sound of someone's voice or the touch of their hand... Looking at someone's pictures is not the same as looking into their eyes.

Nonetheless, I've seen people change based on who they became friends with in the salsa community. Some of these changes were positive, but some, tragically negative. Don't be fooled, bad company DOES ruin good character, as I've seen happen time and time again, not only to the ones I was close to, but to myself as well. Who you associate with plays a HUGE influence in how you speak, think, and act... It's a scary thing to look in the mirror and not recognize the person you've become... To not have the outside match what's going on on the inside.

So what now? Well, I'm still a dancer. Dancing is still something I enjoy, and the salsa community is still filled with the people I love. Is it a good idea for me to go out dancing 5-7 nights a week? Probably not... Will I be OK if I never go again? Well... Of course dancing is not something I want to ever give up completely... But has it become a "security blanket" for my soul? I want dancing to be safe, I want it to be healthy, I want it to be a pure, fun and enjoyable experience I can share with everyone I care about without worrying about when, where and with whom I dance. I want dancing to be "redeemed". And I know all of that depends on me. On my heart, on my mind, on my perspective. To the pure, all things are pure, even "dirty" dancing...

My Story Continues...

I thought I was OK... Sure, there was some dark stuff in my past, but then there was this one miraculously divine night 5 and a half years ago that whiped it all clean. My 180 degree change... A new life, new vision, new heart, new desires, and a brand new fresh chance to start over... So why is it then, that over the last couple of years I could literally see and feel my old lifestyle slowly creeping up on me again? Reading back through my blogs, I see a gradual pattern in the declining frequency of my posts. And the themes, they seem to shift from God, to life, to me... So many heartbreaks, so much pain, so many self realizations and hard lessons, but through it all... Faith, Hope and Love. And an underlying sense of strength and joy. Somehow, I've always managed to stay strong and get back to joy.

But now, I don't feel strong... I feel like I lost my voice... And I'm scared I'll never get it back... I feel paralyzed, unable to dance, unable to speak, unable to effectively and clearly communicate the thoughts, the feelings, the fear and the hope inside of me.

It seems like I've always been dealing with the same stuff, just on different levels, every time going deeper and deeper, and it's been harder and harder, with more pain and more insights each time around. Sure, every situation is different, but the end result has always been the same: me, wide and teary eyed, thinking, "What happened???"

Why's it always circumstantial?
Never any real potential
Obvious and so sequential
It always ends the same
Holding out with all that's in me
Is it worth all this pretending?
A story with an ugly ending is never worth the pain.

So I just kept putting band aids on my gushing wounds, hoping that in time, they will clot and I will be well enough to function again.... A month off here, a week off there, cut out this, stay away from that, do this, don't do that... All the while just treating the surface symptoms and disregarding the deep roots of the issues underneath that stemmed years and decades back...

Through it all, I was blaming people, places, environments and current situations for my problems, when all along, the issue was me, my heart and the unresolved traumas of the past, most of which I was largely not even aware of... Of course, all of the other factors certainly contributed their share... After all, if you throw a bleeding animal in the ocean, the sharks will start circling...

Even though I've never been addicted to drugs, I've experienced the intensity of withdrawals. I've felt the agonizing pain of doing what I didn't want to do, all in an effort to satisfy that longing and that craving for comfort and love that always fell short of the anticipated high and just plunged me deeper into despair, leaving my soul dead and empty inside...

I now understand what Pastor Mark meant when he said that there are only two directions in which we, humans, can look: within ourselves and up to Jesus. When we look within, we get discouraged, defeated and depressed. Taking a long, hard, honest look at myself hasn't been easy. I must admit, I didn't like what I found... Our sin nature is truly hopeless... But when we look up to Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, we have hope, because only He can save us from that which is within us. After discovering and uncovering all my faults, weaknesses and dysfunctions, I had two choices: Wallow in self pity over my long list of failures and shortcomings, or bring it to Jesus, to the foot of the cross, lay it out there in the fullness of all its embarrassment, guilt and shame, and say, "This is me... But I am Yours. You died so I could be healed and set free from all of this. You, who created me, can re-create me. Your blood washes me clean." And then, I must allow the fulness of His love, mercy and amazing redeeming grace to cover it all...

The only thing that gives me hope is knowing that this pain won't last forever. That I've been here before. That I've loved this deeply and felt this intensely before. And that it always passed. That I've gotten over it and moved on. So when will I stop crying and be able to smile and laugh again? I don't see the end in sight, but I know it will come...