Striking Gold

Well, the first semester at NIU has successfully come to an end and I'll be on my way "home" to Seattle in a few days to spend Christmas and New Year's with my family and old friends :) And as excited as I am to go back and see everything/everyone again, I know I'm going to be just as excited to come back to my "home" here :) Moving to Illinois has truly been one of the best decisions of my life, an experience of "first"s, an adventure, an opportunity of a lifetime, a new beginning, a fresh start, a clean slate . . . a gift, really. A gift I'm really and truly thankful for, a gift that continues to fill my heart with joy and makes me ridiculously happy ;) As I've written before, it was definitely bittersweet to leave Seattle, but I was ready to move on, spread my wings and fly :P Coming and living here has been like striking a gold mine . . . Every. Single. Day. And here's why:

* My house is perfect :) I have never lived in a place this cute and this cozy.

* Our landlord is simply amazing... A picture of Midwestern kindness and hospitality. She got us welcome gifts and Christmas gifts and pretty much provided us with everything we need :)

* My roommate is wonderful . . . I've never had a roommate other than family before, so naturally I was a bit nervous to all of a sudden move in with a complete stranger, but T and I have bonded faster than I ever thought we would and stronger than if we would have used superglue. It is truly priceless to live with not only a friend, but a classmate, a study buddy, a cooking buddy, a cleaning buddy and an overall awesome person. I can't even tell you how many times I have either forgotten something at the house (lunch, homework, Brailler) or needed something from home (a change of clothes, a water bottle) and how T was always there for me! I really love her :)

* My new church is literally a family who "adopted" me along with their 3 adorable kids whom I just can't get enough of :P

* My new friends are super sweet and as cheesy as it sounds, they welcomed me into their lives with open arms and open hearts. It's true what they say about Midwesterners . . . They really are nice :)

* My school and my program are fabulous! I've been learning so much and I really like our campus.

* My classmates are cool, we all get along and help each other out, which is key in a program as challenging as this one. I've never felt isolated or alone. 

* I love my professors!!! They have been super kind, helpful, encouraging and completely on and by my side the entire semester, rooting for my success and believing in my ability to do well.

* The salsa scene in Chicago has been nothing short of welcoming and can I just say . . . I love, love, love, LOVE the leads here!!! Besides being ridiculously good and versatile (On1 AND On2, plus awesome bachata skills), they are SO nice and friendly and AWESOME :)

* And on the romantic front, I have been truly lucky to meet a Chi-town guy who does not take offense to my scathing humor and makes long drives to hang out with me in the 'burbs on weekends ;)

Window to the Soul

What enlightened romantic poet first coined the popular phrase of the eyes being the windows to the soul? Well, there really wasn't one. "The eyes are the windows to the soul" is actually an old English proverb which now may have been proven true by scientists who are discovering that certain patters in the iris can give an indication of whether we are warm and trusting or neurotic and impulsive. Research has also found that those pretty squiggles of color could even be an indicator a tender heart, providing even more reasons for us to stare deeply into each other's eyes ;)

So if the eyes are truly the window to the soul, what can be said about the images that enter them? I've been studying vision pretty intensely for the last couple of months of grad school, and was surprised to learn that 90% of information our brain receives comes through our eyes. That definitely made me wonder about just how much "junk" I fill my brain with daily. A while back when I was on a food cleanse and eating really healthy, I would look at different foods and ask myself if I really wanted to put all those ingredients into my body. I mean, what were all these colors and preservatives going to do to me on the inside and how would that manifest on the outside? And then one day I was looking at a display of movies in the grocery store and caught myself asking a similar question . . . Did I really want to put all those concepts, ideas and images into my brain? What were they going to do to my mind and how would that affect my behavior? I know myself, and I know I have a natural tendency to reflect the language and mannerisms of the people I'm most often around. When I went to London, I picked up the British accent after just a few days and kept it up throughout the rest of my stay. My dance style is a mixture of Seattle's best follows ;) which I've modified to make my own and every time I watch Pride and Prejudice (which is quite often), I find myself acting more and more like a "proper" lady, speaking, and even thinking as Lizzy did. Am I easily influenced? If I allow myself to be . . . Is everyone else? To a degree, yes, I believe that even as adults, our child-like abilities of soaking up surrounding information and imitating those we admire is still very much with us.

It's a fact that the things we find entertaining reveal a lot about who we are, what we enjoy and also what we value and find important. Just like there is a hint of truth in every joke, nothing is done "just because". One doesn't need to be Freud to know that our subconscious is always working, making us do and say things that give away our true thoughts, beliefs, feelings, desires, and even motives. As humans, we tend to gravitate towards not only the things that reflect our current state of being, but also towards who we long to be, what we long to have, and what we long to do.

And so I started to consider why I really like certain TV shows and am strongly turned off by others. Was it my friends' influence or some psychological connections I've made with it? Did I relate to the characters and associate them with myself and the people I knew? What did these plots have that drew me in and held me captive for hours at a time? So I made a list of my favorite shows in order of which ones I love most. Conclude what you want from it, but I think I know what they say about me ;) . . . besides the obvious fact that I clearly value good humor :P If nothing else, I hope you get intrigued enough to check them out and find them as amusing as I do :)

Sex and the City - Besides being a hands down classic for single and dating girls everywhere, this series is as much about relationships and sex as it is about amazing friendships and life in the NYC (which I LOVE!) Not to mention that pretty much everything Carrie says or writes about is pretty profound...

Gossip Girl - I generally strongly dislike soap operas (something about stupid pointless drama that drags on and on and never seems to resolve itself), but GG is super smart, witty and full of clever and sarcastic LMAO humor that is truly addicting. Even though this drama is overflowing with lies, revenge, plotting, scheming, betrayal and tears, there is a strong sense of underlying goodness, love, friendship and family ties that leave you feeling all warm and fuzzy inside time after time, and unlike in a soap opera, the storyline moves along fairly quickly and everything does get resolved . . . . eventually :P Oh, and it's full of great quotable quotes too ;)

Bones - I love, love LOVE the characters!!! The gory murder plots and gruesome corpses were definitely something to get used to, but once I got passed that, I got to fully enjoy and appreciate the clever wit of the colorful personalities that made this show one of my top favorites :) Your mind will delightfully work overtime not only trying to solve the crimes, but to keep up with all the subtleties of each character's humor.

White Collar - I started watching this because I found out that one of my friends was a former white collar con-artist, and I was somewhat fascinated by the whole concept. Besides the fact that Neil, the main character, is VERY easy on the eyes and is extremely charming, creative, talented and sharp in everything he does, this show really does suck you in with its witty, edgy crime-solving plot and dearly beloved Mozzie, who just might be my favorite character EVER :P

Ugly Betty - I absolutely love this show and am super sad it's over, although the finale really was the perfect conclusion to its multi-season run :) It's smart, witty, full of LOL humor and most importantly, full of quirky,lovable characters and goodness that always prevails in the end! The way this awkwardly sheltered Queens girl survives and thrives in the cold and backbiting world of NYC fashion is truly inspiring and I got some AMAZING quotes from this show including my favorite, "Is it really naive to want to believe in people?" 

Jane by Design - It's cute. It's cheesy. It's about fashion and is set in NYC. It's clean, humorous, sweet and innocent, even though there is work, school and love drama that includes lying, betrayal and of course, heartbreak. I think what I love most about it though is how Jane's best friend Billy is always there for her and I'm just waiting for them to finally get together ;)

Criminal Minds - I'm not super into this show, but it's a really good one and it blows my mind every time I watch it. It is pretty intense in terms of real crime scenarios and psycho-killers that it deals with, so I definitely don't recommend watching it alone at night, because you WILL become paranoid and have nightmares. It can get pretty twisted, and it will suck you in because you're just gonna have to find out who the killer is and how they catch him, because in the end, they always do and that's what makes this show so great :P

Millionaire Matchmaker - I usually despise most reality shows, but this one is pretty excellent, even though I haven't watched it in a while. I just love how Patty really lays down the law on her clients and tells them straight out why they are still single. She is incredibly honest and doesn't beat around the bush, even though she does try to be nice . . . the first time anyway. Unlike other reality dating shows, this one seems to be the only one focused on traditional dating values, which is a pretty rare thing nowadays . . .

I Remember

Living in a new place, making new friends and meeting a lot of new people always makes one answer a lot of questions about one's life. In my case, the fact that I was born and "raised" in Russia seems to always come up sooner or later in conversation, and is often followed by the question of "Do you remember it?" And I do. I remember a lot of it actually - most of my childhood. So I thought I'd make a list of some of the things that I remember. Because I don't want to ever forget...

I remember our neighborhood, our building, our apartment, and the room my brother and I shared. I remember how we always used to divide it in half - his side vs my side. The door was on his side. Fail.

I remember taking the subway, the bus and the trolley everywhere.

I remember building huge snow forts with all the neighborhood kids on the playground in front of our building and playing in them until our parents came out looking for us.

I remember the "milk truck" and the "kvas truck".

I remember the bakery and the smell of fresh bread.

I remember summer camps and not wanting to get off the swings.

I remember having buckwheat with milk for breakfast every morning.

I remember helping my dad develop black and white pictures in our bathroom.

I remember the parties our parents threw at our apartment. I also remember throwing my own dance party for all my friends and playing all my parents' records when my grandpa was supposed to be "babysitting" us.

I remember summer vacations to the sea and learning to swim with my dad.

I remember taking long train rides that would last for days and the gypsies that would come on the train and perform for us.

I remember hospitals and doctors' offices.

I remember my school(s), my friends and my teachers.

I remember slapping a boy at school in 5th grade and calling him a pig because he was mean to one of my friends. Haha, I was feisty even then!!!

I remember listening to stories on the record player in our living room and knowing the words to all the pop songs.

I remember Russian cartoons - Karlson and Prostakvashena. I also remember watching Tails Spin and Duck Tales in Russian on Saturday nights.

I remember watching Mexican and American soap operas with my mom and talking on the phone with my friends.

I remember crying my eyes out in the school bathroom and sneaking out of school before my last class (PE) the day I found out my crush didn't like me - 5th grade.

I remember the day my dad's family moved to Israel and we said goodbye to them at the airport. I also remember the day we moved to America and my mom's family there to see us off...

But most of all, I remember being a kid, playing outside, laughing, fighting with my brother, traveling with my family, being surrounded by relatives, eating good food, listening to good music and enjoying life :)

The Comeback Kid

So the other day one of my best friends and I were talking about life and laughing about all the crazy stuff we've done. Well, it was actually more like cringing about all the stupid stuff. Yes, that bad... And kinda scary :/ We both messed up in similar areas of our lives, did what we knew we shouldn't, got hurt, dealt with the consequences, blah blah blah... BUT we both made a glorious comeback :) We got up, dusted ourselves off, and with our chins up and a steady gaze fixed on the future, moved forward with our lives (much to the shock and dismay of those around us - some more than others). It's almost not fair... We should be suffering in pain, drowning in tears, guilt, sorrow, hiding our face in shame and burying our social life under a big rock, and yet here we are, out in the open, smiling, laughing, enjoying our friends, and embracing life. We are not victims of other people's sins, life circumstances or our own mistakes, we are the direct example of what God said about the righteous (His kids) being able to fall numerous times and get up after each one of those times. Why? Because it's a lot easier to forgive yourself (and others) knowing that you've already been forgiven by God. And it's a lot easier asking forgiveness from someone you know loves you more than anything.  God's mercy, grace, favor and love are not fair.

Sadly, so many Christians don't understand that, and instead of running towards God when they mess up, they run away from Him, thinking that they can't possibly keep calling themselves His children and accept good things from Him. But I know my God doesn't sit up somewhere in heaven waiting for me to fall so He can smite me. Just the opposite - He's always next to me, ready to catch me. He already came down from heaven once, and even back then, it wasn't to punish us, but to be with us. You see, my God doesn't just observe my life and roll His eyes in disgust every time I make a bad choice, He gets involved in everything I do and helps me make right everything that goes wrong. He understands because He knows me... Jesus himself experienced temptation, rejection, betrayal, and the pain of heartache. I serve a God who can relate to my life experiences, one who is fully aware of everything I'm going through, because He's been there too. He loves us when we least deserve it, because He knows that's when we most need it. 

I love calling myself "the comeback kid" because just like a rubber ball, I have a history of bouncing back from pretty insane situations. And fast. It took me a while to realize that I could do that, though. In the past, I used to come down pretty hard on myself after every screw up, but I don't anymore because I know that once I repent and confess my wrongdoings to God,  it's over. He's not going to hold a grudge against me, or rub it in my face later, so I'm free to move on. I am fearless because I'm not afraid of failure. Failure is not the end of the world. Not bouncing back from it is. 

The truth about leaving Seattle, starting grad school and turning 30

Seven years... The number of perfection. Or in my case, the number of completion. Seattle was home... I loved it dearly, and took such pride in calling myself its best tour-guide. And yet towards the end, the grey skies, the drizzly rain, the chilling cold, and the ever present traffic began to take their toll. What hasn't bothered me for six years, all of a sudden became unbearably frustrating and I was itching to get out. The more vacations I took, especially to places with better public transportation (aka subways) and warmer climates, the more I wanted to leave, to move, to just go and not come back. And all the reasons to stay - family, friends, salsa, boys, work, comfort, security and all the pretty scenery and great food of Seattle - were no longer enough to keep me there. In fact, there came a point when I felt like there was NOTHING holding me back.

Sure, it was scary to just pack up and go, but it was even more scary not knowing what my life would be like if I didn't. Let's get real, I was a college graduate working "college student" jobs, partying almost every night and still living home with mom, all while nearing 30. It's not that I wasn't responsible or mature... I was. What I wasn't, however, was "independent". And I was ready to change that.

Grad school was an opportunity I couldn't pass up. A gift really... Something that more or less fell into my lap. It was a chance to grown up, leave the nest, spread my wings and soar to a place called "my future". It was a promise of a specialized career that would literally take me anywhere I wanted to go.

A lot of people have asked me what it feels like to be 30, and the only thing I can tell them is that 30 feels...stable. I feel stable and secure in where I am, what I'm doing, what I want, who I am and who my friends are. I no longer want to "fit in" or impress "the cool kids", I'm perfectly happy being myself and doing my own thing, trusting that the people who truly love and appreciate me for who I am will come alongside me and stay.

Facebook has taught me to recognize what I "Like". Literally :) I believe that if you have something positive or encouraging on your mind, you should say it!!! Do not withhold that which costs you nothing to give. Be liberal with "the good" - love, attention, affection, kindness, compliments, and most importantly, the truth. I've been battling with the latter a lot recently, being unsure of what it was and who I could expect it from... In the end of all my pondering, this is what I came up with:

The truth is not what we're told, what we believe or even what we feel. It's what really happened, what was, is and will be. The truth is not in words, because words can lie. Nor is it in actions, because those can be insincere.  Neither is it in sentiments, because feelings are fleeting and ever-changing. Truth can be momentary or eternal, big or small, hurtful or healing. Truth is in consistency, proven time after time, always there, deliberate and purposeful. It's actions backing up words, feelings and promises. It's making a choice, a decision and following it through. It's being true to yourself, your heart, your conscience and your identity. It's calling things as they are, identifying emotions, naming words and labeling behaviors, not in order to confine, but to set free, because the truth shall always set you free.

Why Can't We Be Friends?!?!

I think I've finally accepted a fact of life that I've been trying to fight for a looong time :/ But experience is a hard teacher and this time, I might have just learned the lesson: Guys and girls can't *really* be "just friends". It's a myth that goes against American pop culture (and most other cultures), and as much as it feels warm and fuzzy to believe in, it's just an illusive illusion...

Fact #1 - Guys have GUY friends... And that's all the friends they really need/want. Guys want other GUYS to do stuff with and bond with over life issues... Stuff like watching sports, going to games, talking about cars, eating burgers, drinking beer, smoking cigars, playing cards, and picking up girls. Sure, once in a while a girl comes along who can hang with the guys, and yea, it makes her "cool", but in the end, she is still a girl, and somehow just doesn't fit in...

And with girls, it's pretty similar as well... We pretty much have our "friend" needs fulfilled by other girls... Those who are like us, who understand us, who we can do girl stuff with and rant about guys who piss us off. And sure, we enjoy having our "guy friends" to get "guy" advice from, flirt with and get help with car issues/moving/fixing stuff, but to be honest, in the back of our minds, we are always wondering if they like us, or if we like them, and if maybe one day we can be "more than friends"... Case point: Guys look to other guys for friendship and to women for mating possibilities (NOT necessarily a bad thing). This also applies vice versa.

Fact #2 - Guys only want to become friends with girls they are attracted to. ***And by "friends" I mean more than "casual acquintances". This involves hanging out 1:1, talking on the phone, texting and being "extra" affectionate with and attentive to. I mean having deep, personal, quality conversations, sharing stories, experiences and really connecting heart to heart - and it doesn't even have to be in a romantic way... at first.*** The point is, with guys, the physical (hormonal) attraction comes first, and they want to get closer (friendly) with you because their brain (penis) is already toying with the idea of how you are in bed. When he asks you to grab some food, it's not because his boys are not around, it's because he'd rather spend time with you in hopes that you'll give him what his boys can't - sex. So if you know that someone is already attracted to you (enough to express it and make it known to you/others) and they are trying to become your "friend", it's not purely because they want to get to know you or find out who/how you really are...

Fact #3 - Guys only stay "friends" with you as long as there is that possibility of them getting something more from you. They'll only want to talk, hang out and be alone with you as long as they know they are getting closer to their goal, whatever that may be... Once they realize that their goal will not be achieved and all their efforts are in vain, their interest in being close friends with you will evaporate faster than steam and they'll move on to someone new and more promising... The "friendship" will also evaporate once they do get what they want from you and you'll either move on to being more than friends (dating, relationship, marriage and so on) or retreat back to being casual acquaintances at best, and at worst... strangers.

Now before every guy out there gets offended and hates me (and I have no one left to dance with), let me make it clear that there are exceptions.

Exception #1 - Family members or friends who are significantly (10+ years) older and are seen almost as parent/mentor figures. It's nice to talk to/hang out with/get advice on the opposite sex from a brother/sister/cousin or someone you respect because of their life experience :)

Exception #2 - Shared interests. Guys/girls you see and hang out with in professional/social/religious/GROUP settings where you may share a hobby (dancing :P), a goal (working out?) or any other "life" passion that will give you a good common foundation to build on. Note: These types of friendships are always group based and are better described as "casual acquaintances" with NO 1:1 time/texting/phone conversations. Example: I enjoy dancing with a lot of guys, most of whom I find attractive, and yet I don't spend any quality 1:1 time hanging out/talking to any of them off the dance floor, because it's when I do that things get complicated :/ What's good about hanging out in groups is that you truly get to know someone in their element without expressing an interest in them, so there's no awkwardness/pressure.

Exception #3 - Gays. Hands down, gay men make THE BEST girlfriends, although I'm not sure if gay women make the best guyfriends...


***OTHER DISCLAIMERS***

Please take into consideration the difference between being friends and being friendly. Sure, guys and girls can be friendly at a distance, but bring the two together in a close relationship, and one will always end up wanting more from another. Now whether or not those desires are admitted, expressed, acted out upon or kept in check is a whole another issue, but the point stands: Strictly platonic relations between men and women are hard to come by... Please also take into consideration that everyone has different views on what "friendship" means and how close they are with their friends. In this day and age of blurred gender roles and open relationships, there seems to be no black and white as everything fades into the grey area of "what's true for me may not be true for you" and such, it's sometimes hard to call things out for what they truly are. But again, this is my blog and it's clearly just my opinion that is stated here.

I think this conversation from When Harry Met Sally sums it up quite well:

Harry Burns: You realize of course that we could never be friends.
Sally Albright: Why not?
Harry Burns: What I'm saying is - and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form - is that men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way.
Sally Albright: That's not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved.
Harry Burns: No you don't.
Sally Albright: Yes I do.
Harry Burns: No you don't.
Sally Albright: Yes I do.
Harry Burns: You only think you do.
Sally Albright: You say I'm having sex with these men without my knowledge?
Harry Burns: No, what I'm saying is they all WANT to have sex with you.
Sally Albright: They do not.
Harry Burns: Do too.
Sally Albright: They do not.
Harry Burns: Do too.
Sally Albright: How do you know?
Harry Burns: Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her.
Sally Albright: So, you're saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive?
Harry Burns: No. You pretty much want to nail 'em too.
Sally Albright: What if THEY don't want to have sex with YOU?
Harry Burns: Doesn't matter because the sex thing is already out there so the friendship is ultimately doomed and that is the end of the story.
Sally Albright: Well, I guess we're not going to be friends then.
Harry Burns: I guess not.

SuperWHY and SuperGOD

I love watching SuperWHY with Drew in the mornings :) It really is one of the best shows out there that teaches kids the alphabet, phonics, spelling and reading. Drew loves it and I really enjoy listening to him call out the answers and actively participate in naming letters, words and sounds.

Of course, I'm not in it for the academics (or the cheesy story lines), but somehow I still always get a lesson out of it... At the end of every show, after the Super Readers solve all the "little" problems, there is still that one underlying BIG problem that only SuperWHY can solve. As all the characters are freaking out and saying, "But this is what my story says, and there's nothing I can do about it," and "Oh no, what are we going to do, there seems to be no way out!!!" SuperWHY shows up and says, "With my power to read, I can change the story and save the day!" And then he goes on to change just one word in the story sentence and BOOM, like magic, all is well :)

I truly love that one part of the show (and watch it just for that reason) because it always reminds me that my God is a SuperGOD and with just one word, He has the power to change my story and save my day/week/month/season/year/life...

This Is Love Calling...

You know how there are things that are just unthinkable for us to do? Stuff that we can't ever imagine ourselves doing, things we swear we'll NEVER do, that we are not like that, that it's not "in" us? That was me last year... I saw so much of ________ going on around me and I swore that I would never do it. I was SO sure of it. I even told all my friends that even though so and so and so were doing it, I would never... I thought I was smarter, stronger, and better than that... Well guess what?! I did it... And not just once either... And then I thought my life was over. I got SO down on myself... How could I have done this thing??? I mean, it literally went against EVERYTHING I've lived and breathed for in the last 4.5 years. So yea... I plummeted, I crashed and I was broken from the fall... And then, my amazing friends came alongside me and showed me God's unconditional love and grace... "It's not over," they said, "You're not done, this is not the end of you. This is a defining moment, but it does not define you." "God knew you were going to do this, it didn't catch Him by surprise, He is not disappointed in you or love you any less."

Today in church, pastor Judah reminded us of Peter and how he denied Christ 3 times. Let's look at this story in the book of Matthew chapter 26 (NLT):

33Peter declared, “Even if everyone else deserts you, I will never desert you.”

34Jesus replied, “I tell you the truth, Peter—this very night, before the rooster crows, you will deny three times that you even know me.”

35“No!” Peter insisted. “Even if I have to die with you, I will never deny you!”

Peter was SO adamant about how he was NEVER going to do this "thing", and yet God knew... And He wasn't angry. He knew Peter was going to betray Him, but He also knew that Peter would repent and come back to be one of the greatest apostles and leaders of the first church. I can just imagine what was going through Peter's mind right after he denied Jesus three times and then looked up and met His eyes... I'm sure his anguish was even greater than mine, I'm sure he thought he was done, his ministry was done and that Jesus say, "I told you so!" and want nothing more to do with him... But he was wrong... Just like I was... Because God always finds us in our shame and our sorrow, when the world around us is crumbling by the doing of our own hands, He puts His hands around us and tells us He still loves us, that it's not over, that He's not done with us...

The consequences of my sin get thrown in my face on a daily basis. I've lost friendships over it and there are people who despise me because of it. What can I do??? The only thing I can - Cling to the one who loves me despite of my fall, the one who helped me get back up again and is not judging me based on my past, but guiding me towards a bright future...

"Dirty" Dancing

I'm a dancer. There are no "if"s, "and"s or "but"s about it. I've been dancing for as long as I can remember, and I plan to dance until I can no longer remember. One of my fondest childhood memories was throwing a dance party at my house for all my friends while my parents were out. I was 10 years old. My poor Grampa who was watching my brother and I at the time almost had a heart attack. That reminds me, I really should apologize to him for being such a handful.... Not that that's changed.

So anyway, back to being a dancer... I grew up being surrounded by music, but just listening to it has never been enough for me. My parents danced, their friends danced, my relatives danced, my culture danced... I was introduced to partner dancing in kindergarten for crying out loud!!! I guess you could say I started young... While I don't remember doing much dancing (besides by myself, in my room) during my elementary and Junior High years, I do remember going to all my high school dances (Homecoming, Winter Ball, Prom, etc.). Once I got to college, I thought I entered dance heaven as I discovered the "club scene". I used to dance so much at this one particular underage club called Remis, that one of my AOL screennames was "remisrat"... Yes, my friends, it was THAT bad. Every birthday, every aced exam, every special and semi-special occasion was celebrated with dancing, because, well, dancing made me happy.

My "dance friends" (because it was debatable whether or not we were REAL friends) and I didn't even need to drink, we just wanted to DANCE. However, we did drink, even though our drinking didn't have as much to with the dancing as it did with the boys we were dancing (and hooking up) with. That's right, I just brought "boys" into this, because other than when I was playing "Go-Go" dancer with my girls up on stage, it was always our mission to find cute boys with hot dance moves. And we did... And they have caused me A LOT of grief... Granted, a few of the boys I met at church have caused me a lot of grief as well, but let's stick to dancing for now. I guess what I'm trying to say is that via "club dancing", I've met and gotten involved with many "bad boys" who did a lot of damage to my heart, mind and self-esteem. Now whether or not they "corrupted" me is contestable, since I've always had a choice to say "no", I just somehow never could...

Let's fast forward to post-college days. After I moved to Seattle in 2005, I kissed clubbing good bye and didn't really dance for about a year until I joined the City Church GC Dance Team. Hip Hop choreography has never been my strength though, so I only stayed on the team for less than six months... Right up until the time I got introduced to salsa. With salsa, it was pretty much love at first note. The music (did I mention I've loved Latin music since high school?), the moves, the spins, and the "ballroom" atmosphere had me at hello and I didn't stand a chance. It really was a beautiful friendship... Until my first "salsa crush". That was the first time I almost stopped dancing, and perhaps I should have, because I wouldn't have been the only one who quit due to a broken heart... I've heard stories upon stories of girls who were hurt so badly they not only dropped off the "dance scene", but also from what seems like "the face of the earth". Well, I didn't stop. I came back, round after round, getting back in the ring only to have my butt (heart?) kicked time and time again...

Dancing is complicated. Some people try to simplify it by saying, "Just shut up and dance!", but it's almost like trying to simplify a heart attack - What you don't know can kill you. When you see dancing on TV, it looks simple enough - beautiful movement to beautiful music, but you have no idea what's behind it (unless of course, you, yourself, are a dancer). Music stirs up our emotions, our soul... It's powerful stuff... And close physical body contact does the same. That's why there's so much more to dancing than just moving to the music. Needless to say, I am referring to partner dancing here, salsa and the like to be specific, and the following observations, thoughts and opinions come strictly from my experience, but perhaps you too can relate...

Since hardly anything in this world can be looked upon in pure isolation, but rather in the context of its relationship with everything around it and as a whole, I want to place dancing in its proper context: Moving to certain music, with certain people, in certain places, with certain groups, in a ceratin atmosphere, all while receiving a certain "something" from it. It's a skill, a learned skill, as well as a natural talent, a passion, a desire, an "addiction" as many call it, and a lifestyle (as well as livelihood) for many. It can be healthy or unhealthy, it can help you, or it can hurt you, it's a social circle composed of the "good" and the "bad", and everyone's motives for being there are different. There's an essence of accomplishment, social buzz, exhilaration, satisfaction, fulfillment, and pride in being good at what you do...

I was recently asked why I love dancing so much. What about it made me want it, crave it, "need" it? What holes did it fill in my life and in my heart? Exercise? Social connections? Physical contact and a intimacy (real or false) with the opposite sex? A sense of accomplishment, worth, value? Feeling beautiful, feminine, sexy, desired, wanted? Belonging to a group? Has it become a source of my affection, attention, acceptance, validation, approval, and identity? What feelings and emotions was it stirring up in me? How was it shaping and molding me, my thoughts, my attitude, my life? Just thinking about it makes my head hurt, and yet, I know I need to consider each one of these questions seriously.

While watching Century High, a cabaret show put on by the Century Ballroom, I was both amused and horrified by their spoofs of Footloose and Dirty Dancing movies. In one particular scene, the main character, "Baby", was crying on the couch while writing in her diary something to the affect of "Why should I throw away everything, my whole life, just to be in a high school dance gang with people who don't even care if I live or die?" That line really struck me because of my previous experience in how fickle, shallow, superficial and backstabbing "dance" relationships can be. While I did meet a lot of "true blue" friends at salsa who I know will stick by me no matter what, those are few and far in between, and while I can say that I genuinely do love and care about many people in the salsa community (even those who have hurt me deeply), I somehow doubt that they feel the same way about me... Unfortunately, most friendships in the dance scene tend to be surface level, shallow, superficial and conditional - as long as we go out together, I'll smile, say hi, give you a big hug, and chat with you between songs, but as soon as one of us stops dancing, you'll never hear from me again. Sure, Facebook makes communication outside of dancing very convenient, but how deep do most Facebook "friendships" run? Typed words can never replace the sound of someone's voice or the touch of their hand... Looking at someone's pictures is not the same as looking into their eyes.

Nonetheless, I've seen people change based on who they became friends with in the salsa community. Some of these changes were positive, but some, tragically negative. Don't be fooled, bad company DOES ruin good character, as I've seen happen time and time again, not only to the ones I was close to, but to myself as well. Who you associate with plays a HUGE influence in how you speak, think, and act... It's a scary thing to look in the mirror and not recognize the person you've become... To not have the outside match what's going on on the inside.

So what now? Well, I'm still a dancer. Dancing is still something I enjoy, and the salsa community is still filled with the people I love. Is it a good idea for me to go out dancing 5-7 nights a week? Probably not... Will I be OK if I never go again? Well... Of course dancing is not something I want to ever give up completely... But has it become a "security blanket" for my soul? I want dancing to be safe, I want it to be healthy, I want it to be a pure, fun and enjoyable experience I can share with everyone I care about without worrying about when, where and with whom I dance. I want dancing to be "redeemed". And I know all of that depends on me. On my heart, on my mind, on my perspective. To the pure, all things are pure, even "dirty" dancing...

My Story Continues...

I thought I was OK... Sure, there was some dark stuff in my past, but then there was this one miraculously divine night 5 and a half years ago that whiped it all clean. My 180 degree change... A new life, new vision, new heart, new desires, and a brand new fresh chance to start over... So why is it then, that over the last couple of years I could literally see and feel my old lifestyle slowly creeping up on me again? Reading back through my blogs, I see a gradual pattern in the declining frequency of my posts. And the themes, they seem to shift from God, to life, to me... So many heartbreaks, so much pain, so many self realizations and hard lessons, but through it all... Faith, Hope and Love. And an underlying sense of strength and joy. Somehow, I've always managed to stay strong and get back to joy.

But now, I don't feel strong... I feel like I lost my voice... And I'm scared I'll never get it back... I feel paralyzed, unable to dance, unable to speak, unable to effectively and clearly communicate the thoughts, the feelings, the fear and the hope inside of me.

It seems like I've always been dealing with the same stuff, just on different levels, every time going deeper and deeper, and it's been harder and harder, with more pain and more insights each time around. Sure, every situation is different, but the end result has always been the same: me, wide and teary eyed, thinking, "What happened???"

Why's it always circumstantial?
Never any real potential
Obvious and so sequential
It always ends the same
Holding out with all that's in me
Is it worth all this pretending?
A story with an ugly ending is never worth the pain.

So I just kept putting band aids on my gushing wounds, hoping that in time, they will clot and I will be well enough to function again.... A month off here, a week off there, cut out this, stay away from that, do this, don't do that... All the while just treating the surface symptoms and disregarding the deep roots of the issues underneath that stemmed years and decades back...

Through it all, I was blaming people, places, environments and current situations for my problems, when all along, the issue was me, my heart and the unresolved traumas of the past, most of which I was largely not even aware of... Of course, all of the other factors certainly contributed their share... After all, if you throw a bleeding animal in the ocean, the sharks will start circling...

Even though I've never been addicted to drugs, I've experienced the intensity of withdrawals. I've felt the agonizing pain of doing what I didn't want to do, all in an effort to satisfy that longing and that craving for comfort and love that always fell short of the anticipated high and just plunged me deeper into despair, leaving my soul dead and empty inside...

I now understand what Pastor Mark meant when he said that there are only two directions in which we, humans, can look: within ourselves and up to Jesus. When we look within, we get discouraged, defeated and depressed. Taking a long, hard, honest look at myself hasn't been easy. I must admit, I didn't like what I found... Our sin nature is truly hopeless... But when we look up to Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, we have hope, because only He can save us from that which is within us. After discovering and uncovering all my faults, weaknesses and dysfunctions, I had two choices: Wallow in self pity over my long list of failures and shortcomings, or bring it to Jesus, to the foot of the cross, lay it out there in the fullness of all its embarrassment, guilt and shame, and say, "This is me... But I am Yours. You died so I could be healed and set free from all of this. You, who created me, can re-create me. Your blood washes me clean." And then, I must allow the fulness of His love, mercy and amazing redeeming grace to cover it all...

The only thing that gives me hope is knowing that this pain won't last forever. That I've been here before. That I've loved this deeply and felt this intensely before. And that it always passed. That I've gotten over it and moved on. So when will I stop crying and be able to smile and laugh again? I don't see the end in sight, but I know it will come...

Are You a FireWORK or a FirePLACE?

If you really think about it, the most important quality of God is not His love, forgiveness, grace, mercy, comfort, power or anything else that He does or is... It's His Faithfulness... The fact that He doesn't just love, forgive, provide and heal every once in a while (when He feels like it or is in a good mood), but that He can always be counted on and trusted to do so steadily and consistently. He doesn't (and won't) stop.

So if we as His children are created in His image, then we too should be faithful in all we are and all we do towards ourselves, God, and the people in our lives. Face it, no man is an island, we were all created to be in different relationships throughout our lives and we all have a need to feel loved, accepted and validated in those relationships... Which got me thinking... In terms of "faithfulness", how committed we are in those relationships determines not only their success, but also our character.

Some relationships (friendships) are like fireworks... They are thrilling and exciting, beautiful, loud, put on a great entertaining show, stun your senses and are overall enjoyable. You light a fuse and off they go. The problem is, they last only a short while and once they are done, all that's left is ashes and smoke of what was...

Other relationships are more like a fireplace... Warm, inviting, cozy, and comforting, they require some work such as adding wood to the fire to keep it consistent, but the point is, it lasts!!! It's not the BIG BANG and BOOM, it's over, kind of a relationship, but a slow and steady one that gives off heat as well as light and welcomes someone to come in, stay awhile and share their whole life with you, not just the short lived, exciting parts.

Being faithful in life means having very little room for selfish behavior (which is fickle and ever changing, depending on mood and circumstances), persevering in hard times and simply not giving up on yourself, God, and other people... Seriously, I think it's by far the most important quality a person can have because it makes them "safe", trustworthy, reliable and secure to be around. Success may not always equal being faithful, but being faithful ensures success :)

The Response

I caved :) It took a while (much too long), but I was finally driven to my knees (because I realized I had nowhere else to go) in repentance. This weekend has been the tipping point. The final realization that this was a dead end, the rock bottom, the straw that broke the camel's back.

On Sunday, I went to my church in the AM, but bolted out of there as soon as the pastor said "Amen" :( I hate doing that, because I know that when I can't stick around to chat with my friends and hug my pastors, something is seriously wrong. And my pastors know that. They can read my guilty eyes from a mile away... My life is an open book to them even when I don't say a word. I swear God tells them stuff! I love my church, without a doubt, it's my family, but I must admit that sometimes I go there because I feel like I "have to". To make an appearance, to pick up the mail, to host, to teach, to serve...

That's why every once in a while, I like to sneak away to MH (Mars Hill Church) in the PM... Because if I go there, it's because I either really "want to" or "need to" and I'm doing it for myself... It's also nice to go somewhere where you don't run into everyone you know and you don't have to give hugs and lie when people ask you how you're doing. Because I can't lie... Even though I do know a lot of people who go to MH, it's very rare that I actually run into any of them since there are so many different services and campuses and the place is just BIG. So yea, it's nice to just go and sit and absorb, and not feel like I have to take notes (even though sometimes I do because I want to). It's also nice to be able to have communion (they have it every Sunday) because I do believe that there's SO much power in it... And it's also nice to talk to a pastor who doesn't know you and the fact that this is like the 10th time you're having this issue so you don't feel like a total idiot... I adore my pastors, but sometimes I just really hate bothering them with the same problem... It's like GROW UP, ANNA!!! And I know they'll never say that, or make me feel bad because I know they love me, but confessing the same thing over and over again, just makes me feel dumb...

Anyway, somewhere between my church and MH, "it" happened... The dam broke, the floodgates opened, my heart finally melted and surrendered and I said the words I've been holding out on for so long... "I'm sorry. I repent. Please forgive me."

Going to MH sealed the deal... The message was perfect... The worship was custom, the prayer was dead on... I'm still amazed at how God takes care of everything... I was teary eyed and sniffly the whole time, and I know He held me throughout the entire service... We had a heart to heart moment when I asked Him if He enjoys having me around and He said yes, because I'm His precious daughter :) At the end of the service I went upfront to talk to a pastor, get prayer and "cleanse my soul"... There's something about verbalizing and putting feelings and actions into words that's powerful...

So yea... That's it... It's done :) This morning I got a little miracle helping make things easier (because doing the right thing is never easy), and I'm really grateful for it :) Pray for me to be strong, and brave and courageous... I have a feeling I'm gonna need it... BUT... I can do ALL things through Christ, who strengthens me :)!!!

Getting Off The Crack...

In the last couple of days I've come to a pretty scary conclusion - Sin is like Crack (the drug, that is).

Sin - Doing what you know you shouldn't/Not doing what you know you should. Hence you're sinning against yourself (and the God who created you :P). More often than not, your sin affects not only yourself, but those around you as well... Especially those who care about you.

Crack - a highly addictive and powerful stimulant. It is abused because it produces an immediate high and because it is easy and inexpensive to produce. The pleasant effects of crack wear off quickly, causing users to feel 'down' or depressed, more than before taking the drug. Can be used as a pain reliever.

Sin, like Crack, is highly addictive. You need to "up the dosage" every time you "use" to get the same "high". And the withdrawals suck. Often, it's the "easy" way out, a sure way to release the stress, the pain, the anxiety, and to feel good for a little while... And I'm not gonna lie, while you're doing it, it does feel good. But once it's over, the guilt, the shame and the condemnation set in and you're miserable!

And so I got hooked on some "crack"... And didn't even realize it until I started getting the withdrawals and the side effects... And it was horrible... And yet, I couldn't just give it up, I couldn't quit, couldn't let go, it was too hard, the "high" felt too good... And so I prayed... Prayed in my guilt and in my shame, asking God to help me, still looking for a way I could keep the "high" without all the side effects... And then I heard Him. His response was a gentle, yet forceful slap that was meant to shake me sober: "You want me to comfort you in your sin, but I'm waiting to comfort you in your repentance." Ouch...

A Higher High...

Things that get me "high":

-Being asked to dance by a "really good lead" for the first time (and every time after that :P)
-Executing perfect spins and turns (and managing to incorporate some hot styling move on top of it!)
-Being able to follow a complicated dance pattern and get complimented on it in the end :P
-Hearing someone say that they love dancing with me :)
-Rockin' out to some really good music!
-Hearing my favorite song when I least expect it :)
-Shopping!!!
-Getting genuine compliments
-Phone calls from good friends "just to catch up" :)
-Texts, calls, emails and fb notifications from a current crush ;)
-Knowing that I made a difference... (That I was just used by God :D)

This (incomplete) list barely scratches the surface of the things that make me feel good... Things that give me that lightheaded feeling of endorphins running through my body... Pure bliss...There's only one problem... They don't satisfy... No matter how much I get, I always want more. It's like drinking a warm sugary drink on a hot day when you're really thirsty... It doesn't quench your thirst... No matter how good it may taste, it's not what you "need". It's like a drug... A momentary hit of pleasure that passes way too soon and leaves you with that empty longing feeling for more... It's short term happiness that needs to be re-filled over and over in order to last.

As "high" as the things above get me, there is a higher "high" that doesn't result in a "crash" :P It's what satisfies like nothing else and leaves you better than you were found... It's the presence of God... It's knowing that you're standing/sitting/laying/kneeling before your creator and feeling so loved, so complete, so whole, so full... And feeling so much love for this incredible being that you think your heart just might burst from the overflow of all this passion... It's what Jesus was talking about when He said that whoever drinks of His water shall never thirst again because that water will become a spring of life from within... Skillet says it best in their song "You're better than drugs". It's really that good... It's your spirit connecting with His spirit in worship and you getting so lost in that moment that nothing else matters... It's forgetting about yourself and literally giving your all to this incredible person of Jesus Christ... The one who loves you like no one else, even with all your failures, shortcomings, issues, scars and flaws... And it's the feeling of knowing that you are in fact THAT loved, THAT forgiven, accepted, adored, cherished and taken care of that makes you fall even deeper in love with Him... And it's that LOVE that manifests itself in worship and gives you the highest high there is... A high of fulfilling your created purpose - being in a relationship with your creator.

2009 Review

Looking back at 2009, I can honestly say that it's been a good year :) If I had to theme it, I would say it was a year of clarity... Here are some highlights (in no particular order of time or importance):

*Perfecting the art/gift of networking, socializing, and friendship/relationship building :P

*Learning to let go and having it hurt less and less... Or maybe just learning to hold things more loosely...

*The start up of Beautiful Feet and the Seattle Salseras Sisterhood

*Eurotrip to visit Ulu in London and my 24 hour Paris adventure ;)

*Making peace with salsa and understanding my place/purpose of being there

*Getting my pastors' blessing for BF and dancing

*The 40 day fast... Learning about self control, grace, forgiveness and love :)

*My snowboarding injury and speedy recovery :) As well as my 2nd degree burn and a SUPERNATURAL speedy recovery :) - NOTHING can keep me off the dance floor ;)

*Finally taking dance classes: tango (didn't last long) and salsa (I'm gettin' GOOD...)

*Placing 3rd in my first salsa competition :) and going to my first salsa congress!!!

*Friends... New ones, old ones... Real ones :)

*My Hawaii vacation!

*Getting my TEFL certification!!!

*Preaching at a girls' encounter retreat

*A new car!

*My friend Justin's passing... I've never had someone close to me die before and this has completely blindsided me... I'm sorry to all who've had to put up with me during these last 2 weeks :(

Most importantly, this past year has made me realize that I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be, doing exactly what I'm supposed to be doing. It has brought unquestionable and undeniable clarity to the call God has placed on my life as well as the gifts and talents He has given me to fulfill it... His protection over me is incredible... Sometimes I feel like I'm literally in a bubble of His grace... He's got me :)

A New Year's resolution? Just one... Never go to bed upset at anyone/anything. I want to resolve all conflict before the day's end... Even if it is at 3am :P Inspired by Ephesians 4:26 - "Be angry without sinning. Don't go to bed angry."

Goals for 2010? Well... I think I'm just gonna keep doing what I'm already doing... Dancing, church, friends, BF, SSS... I'm excited for progress, growth and development in each of these areas :) I want to see LOTS of fruit! 2010 will also be my year of salsa congresses ;) hehe

Following Before Styling

Following: Doing what you're directed to do. Styling: Doing your own thing. Following: it takes 2. Styling: a solo act.

When I first started salsa dancing, I had no idea what "styling" was. I was too busy and focused on trying to follow my partner that the idea of doing some extra moves on the side didn't even occur to me. Fast forward a couple of years, and thanks to a few of Becka's workshops, I was beginning to incorporate some hand, foot and head work into my dance. As I got more and more comfortable, I started picking up more and more styling techniques from my other favorite follows, such as Julia and Juliet, as well. Naturally, I thought this made me a good dancer. So imagine my shock and surprise when after my first dance with one of the Seattle salsa "legends", I was told (by him) that I styled too much and needed to follow more. WHAT?! Are you kidding me?! You want me to go back to just following? Go back to "the basics"? Yes. Because apparently that's what makes a great dancer.

What does a lead want from a follow? I can't say I know it all, but I do know that responsiveness and cooperation are definitely on the list. Having your hand there when he needs it for the next move, moving your arm out of the way so he can bring you in, keeping your elbows in so you don't hit him, shoulders down so he can spin you, etc. It's the whole "working together" thing that makes the dance work (and make you look good!). Sometimes it takes a little sacrifice on the follow's part to show off a little less and cooperate a little more. However, there is a time to shine and style and make yourself look good :) When your partner's hands are off of you :P Ok, so not only then, but when the time is right, when your lead "allows" you to do so...

Who do we style for anyway? Is it for ourselves, to make us feel good about our dancing? Just knowing that we can do it... Or for our partner, so that he'd realize how hot of a dancer you are? What if he's too focused on himself to even notice? Or is it for the crowd, to put on a show and get asked for more dances by the "good" leads who are watching? Sometimes just the pressure of being watched is enough to make us do stuff we wouldn't normally do... I suppose it's a combination of the 3...

So how does that translate into our walk/dance with God? Should we be "following" more than we are "styling"? In a true partnership, it takes 2 people working together towards a common goal. So when He "leads" us to do something, how often do we say, "Ok, Lord, yea, I'll do that, but then I'm just gonna this and this here for myself as well, while I'm at it." And sometimes it's ok... He didn't create us to be robots, for crying out loud! But other times, when we get too self absorbed in doing our own thing for ourselves, we may miss seeing His hand trying to lead us into the next move He has for us... Sometimes our "styling" can not only cause us to miss His hand, but also to get in the way of Him trying to bring us in closer, and in other ways, cause more harm than good.

So then how do you know when it's ok to style and when it's not? Well, by principle alone, be a follow first. Always be aware of where your lead's hands are and what he's doing. If he wants your hand, give it to him! If not, feel free to style away... In choreographed routines, styling is already worked into the dance... But our life, and social dancing, are not choreographed, so we just have to be extra sensitive to the promptings of the lead... So remember girls (and boys), follow first and style on your own time ;-P!

Leading by Following

While editing a friend's grad school essay, I came upon what I thought was a profound statement:

"On the hardwood moving to music, the feel of a natural connection is distinct, immediate, and unforgettable. It is a palpable attraction, but not of love, lust, or social rapport. It is a natural ease in communication between a follow and lead’s (in social dance men are generally called leads and women follows) bodies to music.

Dancing salsa for nearly nine years, my lead style is highly personal and rhythmically unusual. Follows with whom I share a natural connection are a scant few. The rest of a given nights’ dances require patience, sensitivity to a follow’s specific pattern and rhythm of movement, adjustment to hand and body pressure, and an alteration of my own preferred style. Great leads follow nearly as much as great follows lead. The goal is communication, never coercion."

Immediately, it brought me back to another profound statement I heard in this amazing message: "Grace (Jesus) leads by following." In the great picture of a shepherd leading his flock, what you cannot always tell, is that the shepherd leads the sheep by following them... Walking behind them, not in front of them, so that he can see when they go astray, get into trouble and get hurt. He's behind them so he can follow them into all the pits and ditches that they manage to get themselves into, follow them down the wrong turns, paths, and roads so he can rescue them and direct them where he wants them to go with his voice, staff and rod. All from behind...

God's grace is amazing... And Jesus being the personification of that grace is not just some "light at the end of the tunnel" that we're supposed to follow. He follows us... His love follows us when we get diverted, distracted, tired, stubborn, disobedient and hurt... He follows us when we can't follow Him... When we make the wrong choice, go down the wrong road, and end up in the wrong ditch. He follows us, sees us, protects us, rescues us, and leads us by directing us back onto the "right" path with His voice and His hands. That's grace... It's not about judgement or force... It's about understanding and adjustment. God's Word doesn't adjust, but His methods in dealing with us do... It's not about lowering the bar... It's about working with us until we can reach it, about lifting us up until we reach it...It's about saying, "I know you're not there yet, but it's ok, 'cuz I'm not leaving you until you are. I'm gonna stick with you and help you until you are."

As I look at my life, I see many moments in my walk/dance with God when I was being a less than perfect "follow". What I value and appreciate so much now, is that He didn't just keep "leading" when He knew I wasn't able to follow... He stuck close to me and followed me...

Which is another reason why I can't wait to dance salsa with Jesus in heaven :P Because He IS the PERFECT lead :D!

Thankful

So it's the day before Thanksgiving and I just can't seem to grasp the holiday spirit... And I don't like it because this is my absolute favorite holiday (yes, it has everything to do with the food :P)! So in an attempt to stir things up, I thought I'd list all the things I'm thankful for... In no particular order:

* My job. Enough said, really...

* Favor - with God and people :)

* Grace - I wouldn't be alive right now without it. And protection too... Mostly from myself lol.

* My pastors - "my parents" :) and my church - "my family"!

* Music, dance, and salsa :) And Century Ballroom :D

* Beautiful Feet :) - community defined!

* Old friends - Tricia, Emily, Ulu, Tembi: they know me in and out and still love me :)

* New friends - and the exciting possibilities these friendships bring :P

* The gifts God has given me - I'm thankful for being "me" :)

* Holy Spirit - the reason I can be "me" :)

* Hope... faith and love too :) And Jesus, 'cuz He is the source of all 3 :)

* Family... Just having one... Granted it's not perfect, but at least it's there :)

I'm blessed... Truly blessed... Inside and out... More than I deserve... Thank You...

Keeping the Beat

Last night at See Sound I came to a humbling realization... I still tend to freeze up on rare occasions when I have no clue what my partner is doing. Luckily for me, it was quickly followed by another, happier realization - I'm actually really good at getting back on beat even when I momentarily do get off of it.

Which got me thinking... I've already written a blog about the importance of sticking to the basics when one messes up, but what about sticking to the beat? In salsa, the beat of the music is everything. It's what "makes" a particular dance. Salsa, Cha-cha, Bachata and Merengue each have their own unique beat that enables the dancers to dance it a certain way. The beat is the rhythm, the heart, the soul and the life of a particular song... Lose it, and you might as well get off the floor and take a seat, because you're done... Everything done outside of the beat may look great, but deep down, you KNOW you're off and your dance won't last. Off beat leads and off beat follows just don't make for a good dance... They are clashing with the music, with themselves, with each other and occasionally even with other dancers.

Which got me thinking even more... What is the beat of our dance with God? Or more importantly, what is the beat of His song? If you've spent any amount of time in His presence, you know the answer... God's heartbeat is love... Love for people. Are we on the same beat in our dance (walk) with Him? When we get off the beat, how quickly do we realize it and get back on?

I love how God speaks to me... On Saturday I knew that I was off of His beat, but it was Sunday when He communicated that to me through dance... I love these parallels :) And I love Him... His song and His beat... Jesus, please help me to be just as quick in recognizing when I'm off Your beat as when I realize that I'm off beat on the dance floor. And please help me be even quicker in getting back on ;)

Free to Dance!

It. Is. FINISHED!!! My 40 day sabattical, that is :). For those of you who are still not quite sure of the What? When? Why? deal, here's a quick recap: a few months ago my priorities were out of wack: heart in the wrong place, thoughts scattered all over, body physically exhausted, purity and destiny on the verge of compromise. A sad place to be, I know. What started out as good clean fun was quickly turning into not so good, not very clean, and definitely not fun. I was losing my joy, my peace, my purpose, "myself" essentially... And it sucked. So I talked to a couple of mentors and decided to make some changes. Start with the woman in the mirror, per se.

DrawingClearLines came as a result. It felt good to take a stand, but my "relief" was short lived as three of my closest friends misunderstood my intentions and proceeded to stop being friends with me in response. That same weekend, my pastor asked me to take a 40 day fast from the dance scene, because she knew it played a big role in my frustration. Needless to say it was tough to say yes to that. Dancing has become my everything. But it wasn't even the "dancing"... Dancing in itself wasn't an issue. My pastors have always been very supportive of my passion for dance. What they weren't supportive of is it taking over my thoughts, emotions, and my "life" in terms of priorities, morals, values and standards. Taking this step of obedience (to God speaking through my pastor) felt like jumping off a cliff because I had no idea what would happen. On one hand, hiding out sounded good, but I knew this wasn't what this fast was supposed to be about. And so here I was, ostracized by my old "crew" and about to isolate myself even further by going on a 40 day sabbatical from an entire lifestyle that I've been keeping up for the past six months. I was apprehensive to say the least.

God is faithful. So very faithful... Even when we are faithless, He remains faithful. As soon as I made a decision to trust God and go through with the fast, peace flooded my heart and mind. The searing pain I felt over my friends' rejection was eased by hope in God's promise that ALL things were going to work out for my good and His glory... The most miraculous part was Beautiful Feet... These girls were sheer gifts to me, and even though two of them are no longer physically here, our bond of "sisterhood" is strong enough to carry love and support over thousands of miles :) I am in awe of how God provided what I needed in light of Him taking away what I didn't... Oh, how He loves me :)

So while I hate being an example of what not to do, I can deal with it knowing that through repentance and pruning, comes fruitfulness :) SlowHealing is a piece of that fruit. Written half way through the fast, it highlights some of the insights I've been reflecting on. Other miraculous fruits include the Hawaii resolution, TEFL course, my (upcoming) trip to London/Paris, my new administrative position at the church, nearly tripling my IG (the group of girls I mentor), fun wedding road trip, reconnecting with old friends and "rediscovering" myself :)

This video is how I truly feel right now... FREE! My joy is back :) Makes me want to run, fly and soar... Or just jump around and DANCE!