I thought I was OK... Sure, there was some dark stuff in my past, but then there was this one miraculously divine night 5 and a half years ago that whiped it all clean. My 180 degree change... A new life, new vision, new heart, new desires, and a brand new fresh chance to start over... So why is it then, that over the last couple of years I could literally see and feel my old lifestyle slowly creeping up on me again? Reading back through my blogs, I see a gradual pattern in the declining frequency of my posts. And the themes, they seem to shift from God, to life, to me... So many heartbreaks, so much pain, so many self realizations and hard lessons, but through it all... Faith, Hope and Love. And an underlying sense of strength and joy. Somehow, I've always managed to stay strong and get back to joy.
But now, I don't feel strong... I feel like I lost my voice... And I'm scared I'll never get it back... I feel paralyzed, unable to dance, unable to speak, unable to effectively and clearly communicate the thoughts, the feelings, the fear and the hope inside of me.
It seems like I've always been dealing with the same stuff, just on different levels, every time going deeper and deeper, and it's been harder and harder, with more pain and more insights each time around. Sure, every situation is different, but the end result has always been the same: me, wide and teary eyed, thinking, "What happened???"
Why's it always circumstantial?
Never any real potential
Obvious and so sequential
It always ends the same
Holding out with all that's in me
Is it worth all this pretending?
A story with an ugly ending is never worth the pain.
Through it all, I was blaming people, places, environments and current situations for my problems, when all along, the issue was me, my heart and the unresolved traumas of the past, most of which I was largely not even aware of... Of course, all of the other factors certainly contributed their share... After all, if you throw a bleeding animal in the ocean, the sharks will start circling...
Even though I've never been addicted to drugs, I've experienced the intensity of withdrawals. I've felt the agonizing pain of doing what I didn't want to do, all in an effort to satisfy that longing and that craving for comfort and love that always fell short of the anticipated high and just plunged me deeper into despair, leaving my soul dead and empty inside...
I now understand what Pastor Mark meant when he said that there are only two directions in which we, humans, can look: within ourselves and up to Jesus. When we look within, we get discouraged, defeated and depressed. Taking a long, hard, honest look at myself hasn't been easy. I must admit, I didn't like what I found... Our sin nature is truly hopeless... But when we look up to Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, we have hope, because only He can save us from that which is within us. After discovering and uncovering all my faults, weaknesses and dysfunctions, I had two choices: Wallow in self pity over my long list of failures and shortcomings, or bring it to Jesus, to the foot of the cross, lay it out there in the fullness of all its embarrassment, guilt and shame, and say, "This is me... But I am Yours. You died so I could be healed and set free from all of this. You, who created me, can re-create me. Your blood washes me clean." And then, I must allow the fulness of His love, mercy and amazing redeeming grace to cover it all...
The only thing that gives me hope is knowing that this pain won't last forever. That I've been here before. That I've loved this deeply and felt this intensely before. And that it always passed. That I've gotten over it and moved on. So when will I stop crying and be able to smile and laugh again? I don't see the end in sight, but I know it will come...
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