"Dirty" Dancing

I'm a dancer. There are no "if"s, "and"s or "but"s about it. I've been dancing for as long as I can remember, and I plan to dance until I can no longer remember. One of my fondest childhood memories was throwing a dance party at my house for all my friends while my parents were out. I was 10 years old. My poor Grampa who was watching my brother and I at the time almost had a heart attack. That reminds me, I really should apologize to him for being such a handful.... Not that that's changed.

So anyway, back to being a dancer... I grew up being surrounded by music, but just listening to it has never been enough for me. My parents danced, their friends danced, my relatives danced, my culture danced... I was introduced to partner dancing in kindergarten for crying out loud!!! I guess you could say I started young... While I don't remember doing much dancing (besides by myself, in my room) during my elementary and Junior High years, I do remember going to all my high school dances (Homecoming, Winter Ball, Prom, etc.). Once I got to college, I thought I entered dance heaven as I discovered the "club scene". I used to dance so much at this one particular underage club called Remis, that one of my AOL screennames was "remisrat"... Yes, my friends, it was THAT bad. Every birthday, every aced exam, every special and semi-special occasion was celebrated with dancing, because, well, dancing made me happy.

My "dance friends" (because it was debatable whether or not we were REAL friends) and I didn't even need to drink, we just wanted to DANCE. However, we did drink, even though our drinking didn't have as much to with the dancing as it did with the boys we were dancing (and hooking up) with. That's right, I just brought "boys" into this, because other than when I was playing "Go-Go" dancer with my girls up on stage, it was always our mission to find cute boys with hot dance moves. And we did... And they have caused me A LOT of grief... Granted, a few of the boys I met at church have caused me a lot of grief as well, but let's stick to dancing for now. I guess what I'm trying to say is that via "club dancing", I've met and gotten involved with many "bad boys" who did a lot of damage to my heart, mind and self-esteem. Now whether or not they "corrupted" me is contestable, since I've always had a choice to say "no", I just somehow never could...

Let's fast forward to post-college days. After I moved to Seattle in 2005, I kissed clubbing good bye and didn't really dance for about a year until I joined the City Church GC Dance Team. Hip Hop choreography has never been my strength though, so I only stayed on the team for less than six months... Right up until the time I got introduced to salsa. With salsa, it was pretty much love at first note. The music (did I mention I've loved Latin music since high school?), the moves, the spins, and the "ballroom" atmosphere had me at hello and I didn't stand a chance. It really was a beautiful friendship... Until my first "salsa crush". That was the first time I almost stopped dancing, and perhaps I should have, because I wouldn't have been the only one who quit due to a broken heart... I've heard stories upon stories of girls who were hurt so badly they not only dropped off the "dance scene", but also from what seems like "the face of the earth". Well, I didn't stop. I came back, round after round, getting back in the ring only to have my butt (heart?) kicked time and time again...

Dancing is complicated. Some people try to simplify it by saying, "Just shut up and dance!", but it's almost like trying to simplify a heart attack - What you don't know can kill you. When you see dancing on TV, it looks simple enough - beautiful movement to beautiful music, but you have no idea what's behind it (unless of course, you, yourself, are a dancer). Music stirs up our emotions, our soul... It's powerful stuff... And close physical body contact does the same. That's why there's so much more to dancing than just moving to the music. Needless to say, I am referring to partner dancing here, salsa and the like to be specific, and the following observations, thoughts and opinions come strictly from my experience, but perhaps you too can relate...

Since hardly anything in this world can be looked upon in pure isolation, but rather in the context of its relationship with everything around it and as a whole, I want to place dancing in its proper context: Moving to certain music, with certain people, in certain places, with certain groups, in a ceratin atmosphere, all while receiving a certain "something" from it. It's a skill, a learned skill, as well as a natural talent, a passion, a desire, an "addiction" as many call it, and a lifestyle (as well as livelihood) for many. It can be healthy or unhealthy, it can help you, or it can hurt you, it's a social circle composed of the "good" and the "bad", and everyone's motives for being there are different. There's an essence of accomplishment, social buzz, exhilaration, satisfaction, fulfillment, and pride in being good at what you do...

I was recently asked why I love dancing so much. What about it made me want it, crave it, "need" it? What holes did it fill in my life and in my heart? Exercise? Social connections? Physical contact and a intimacy (real or false) with the opposite sex? A sense of accomplishment, worth, value? Feeling beautiful, feminine, sexy, desired, wanted? Belonging to a group? Has it become a source of my affection, attention, acceptance, validation, approval, and identity? What feelings and emotions was it stirring up in me? How was it shaping and molding me, my thoughts, my attitude, my life? Just thinking about it makes my head hurt, and yet, I know I need to consider each one of these questions seriously.

While watching Century High, a cabaret show put on by the Century Ballroom, I was both amused and horrified by their spoofs of Footloose and Dirty Dancing movies. In one particular scene, the main character, "Baby", was crying on the couch while writing in her diary something to the affect of "Why should I throw away everything, my whole life, just to be in a high school dance gang with people who don't even care if I live or die?" That line really struck me because of my previous experience in how fickle, shallow, superficial and backstabbing "dance" relationships can be. While I did meet a lot of "true blue" friends at salsa who I know will stick by me no matter what, those are few and far in between, and while I can say that I genuinely do love and care about many people in the salsa community (even those who have hurt me deeply), I somehow doubt that they feel the same way about me... Unfortunately, most friendships in the dance scene tend to be surface level, shallow, superficial and conditional - as long as we go out together, I'll smile, say hi, give you a big hug, and chat with you between songs, but as soon as one of us stops dancing, you'll never hear from me again. Sure, Facebook makes communication outside of dancing very convenient, but how deep do most Facebook "friendships" run? Typed words can never replace the sound of someone's voice or the touch of their hand... Looking at someone's pictures is not the same as looking into their eyes.

Nonetheless, I've seen people change based on who they became friends with in the salsa community. Some of these changes were positive, but some, tragically negative. Don't be fooled, bad company DOES ruin good character, as I've seen happen time and time again, not only to the ones I was close to, but to myself as well. Who you associate with plays a HUGE influence in how you speak, think, and act... It's a scary thing to look in the mirror and not recognize the person you've become... To not have the outside match what's going on on the inside.

So what now? Well, I'm still a dancer. Dancing is still something I enjoy, and the salsa community is still filled with the people I love. Is it a good idea for me to go out dancing 5-7 nights a week? Probably not... Will I be OK if I never go again? Well... Of course dancing is not something I want to ever give up completely... But has it become a "security blanket" for my soul? I want dancing to be safe, I want it to be healthy, I want it to be a pure, fun and enjoyable experience I can share with everyone I care about without worrying about when, where and with whom I dance. I want dancing to be "redeemed". And I know all of that depends on me. On my heart, on my mind, on my perspective. To the pure, all things are pure, even "dirty" dancing...

My Story Continues...

I thought I was OK... Sure, there was some dark stuff in my past, but then there was this one miraculously divine night 5 and a half years ago that whiped it all clean. My 180 degree change... A new life, new vision, new heart, new desires, and a brand new fresh chance to start over... So why is it then, that over the last couple of years I could literally see and feel my old lifestyle slowly creeping up on me again? Reading back through my blogs, I see a gradual pattern in the declining frequency of my posts. And the themes, they seem to shift from God, to life, to me... So many heartbreaks, so much pain, so many self realizations and hard lessons, but through it all... Faith, Hope and Love. And an underlying sense of strength and joy. Somehow, I've always managed to stay strong and get back to joy.

But now, I don't feel strong... I feel like I lost my voice... And I'm scared I'll never get it back... I feel paralyzed, unable to dance, unable to speak, unable to effectively and clearly communicate the thoughts, the feelings, the fear and the hope inside of me.

It seems like I've always been dealing with the same stuff, just on different levels, every time going deeper and deeper, and it's been harder and harder, with more pain and more insights each time around. Sure, every situation is different, but the end result has always been the same: me, wide and teary eyed, thinking, "What happened???"

Why's it always circumstantial?
Never any real potential
Obvious and so sequential
It always ends the same
Holding out with all that's in me
Is it worth all this pretending?
A story with an ugly ending is never worth the pain.

So I just kept putting band aids on my gushing wounds, hoping that in time, they will clot and I will be well enough to function again.... A month off here, a week off there, cut out this, stay away from that, do this, don't do that... All the while just treating the surface symptoms and disregarding the deep roots of the issues underneath that stemmed years and decades back...

Through it all, I was blaming people, places, environments and current situations for my problems, when all along, the issue was me, my heart and the unresolved traumas of the past, most of which I was largely not even aware of... Of course, all of the other factors certainly contributed their share... After all, if you throw a bleeding animal in the ocean, the sharks will start circling...

Even though I've never been addicted to drugs, I've experienced the intensity of withdrawals. I've felt the agonizing pain of doing what I didn't want to do, all in an effort to satisfy that longing and that craving for comfort and love that always fell short of the anticipated high and just plunged me deeper into despair, leaving my soul dead and empty inside...

I now understand what Pastor Mark meant when he said that there are only two directions in which we, humans, can look: within ourselves and up to Jesus. When we look within, we get discouraged, defeated and depressed. Taking a long, hard, honest look at myself hasn't been easy. I must admit, I didn't like what I found... Our sin nature is truly hopeless... But when we look up to Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, we have hope, because only He can save us from that which is within us. After discovering and uncovering all my faults, weaknesses and dysfunctions, I had two choices: Wallow in self pity over my long list of failures and shortcomings, or bring it to Jesus, to the foot of the cross, lay it out there in the fullness of all its embarrassment, guilt and shame, and say, "This is me... But I am Yours. You died so I could be healed and set free from all of this. You, who created me, can re-create me. Your blood washes me clean." And then, I must allow the fulness of His love, mercy and amazing redeeming grace to cover it all...

The only thing that gives me hope is knowing that this pain won't last forever. That I've been here before. That I've loved this deeply and felt this intensely before. And that it always passed. That I've gotten over it and moved on. So when will I stop crying and be able to smile and laugh again? I don't see the end in sight, but I know it will come...

Brasil Thus Far... "E Ai?"

More than a full week in, with only 3 more full days to go, I have so much going through my mind... I love Brasil. I love being here, I love the people, the kids, the churches... I love what we´re doing. And of course, I love the food :) I´ve definitely gained back all the weight I lost for Brasil and then some, but it´s all worth it :P Oh, and the beaches are amazing too :D The sun is hot, the breeze is cool and we are definitely having a GREAT time even as we are working our butts off. I love our team. I love our hosts. We are SO taken care of, it´s ridiculous. Things are different here for sure and it´s been a bit of a culture shock, but here´s what I think I´ve learned about the Brasileiros and their awesome country (or at least the city of Fortaleza :P) so far :

* They have NO concept of time. Five minutes can mean anything from one minute to one hour.
* There are NO traffic rules (because there is no enforcement of traffic rules). People drive SO crazy here, it´s scary, and we´ve already seen a few car crashes. After being driven around for a week already, I still freak out on every ride. I swear I´m gonna be the world´s safest driver when I get back to the U.S.
* Pedestrians do not have the right of way and crosswalks are few and far in between.
* Cars communicate by honking - 1 honk means You go, 2 honks means Get out of the way, cuz I´m going.
* People communicate with sounds - E Ai, Ay, Eh, Ah and Oi are all very common phrases :P
* They love meat - red meat, to be percise, and I´ve been eating WAY too much of it since I got here.
* The drink of choice is coconut water (straight out of the coconut via straw) and Guarana which tastes a little like giner ale, but better :P Their fresh squeezed juices of EVERY variety also can´t be beat!
* Acai bowls are BOMB!!! Mix in honey and I´m pretty sure that´s what heaven tastes like :)
* It really is dangerous here. Girls are discouraged from driving alone at night (it gets dark really early here, around 6pm), bulletproof cars are common, people don´t stop at red lights after dark and we were told to not bring our purses/jewelry to certain places.
* Spanish and Portuguese may look similar, but the prononciation is WAY different.

Fun stuff we´ve done so far:

* Beaches!!! The water is SOOO warm and the cool breeze keeps you from getting too hot :) Oh and the sand is PERFECT :)
* Massages at the beach :) A full body massage with tan protecting lotion... Oh yea...
* Did I already mention AWESOME food at fun local restaurants? ;)
* Playing with the kids :) They love us SO much, it´s amazing... And of course, all of us fell in love with them as well :) I´m gonna miss them a lot, wish I could bring them all home with me :(
* Off-roading on sand dunes and jumping off of sand hills
* Shopping :P
* Hanging out with our hosts
* GOING TO A REAL SOCCER GAME IN SOUTH AMERICA AT A HUGE STADIUM WITH TONS OF PEOPLE GOING CRAZY!!!!!

Work we´ve done so far:

* CONSTRUCTION!!! Digging holes, breaking rocks, mixing cement... We all have blisters :P
* Painting
* Sorting food, clothes, toys and school supplies and making packages for each family/child.
* Organizing books and cleaning
* Playing with the kids
* Walking around the favelas (the slum community we are serving) and talking/praying with people.
* Preaching/sharing God´s word :) I LOOOOVE IT!!!

The Favelas:

I´ve only seen this kind of stuff on TV before. It´s crazy how people can live like that, it´s inhumane. The dirt, the smell, the flies, the poverty, the sickness, the open sewage, the unsanitary conditions... I´ve gotten nauseas more than a few times... And the heat makes it so much worse. It´s so sad and scary what this community is dealing with... Prostitution, drugs, child trafficking... Every little girl I saw, every woman with multiple kids... It made me sick to my stomach just thinking about the very real possibility of them being touched by any or all of it.

The Videira:

This church is literally a ray of hope and light in the favelas. Our team has been spending a lot of time at their "fort" there and we are really enjoying getting to know the people who run it. We´ve participated in all of their services and I absolutely LOOOVE that church and its pastors :)

Randomness:

Our schedule is really tight and our days are really long... Wake up early, work, lunch, evangelize, home to shower (1-2 hours), service and out to eat. By the time we get home around midnight, we are SO tired, we just want to sleep... But it´s SO good :)

None of us have REALLY gotten sick, although all of the girls have felt sick for a short while at some point or another.

We are having fun as a team. Sure, we butt heads and all, but we love each other :)

I want to write more, but I´m SO tired right now I´m about to pass out... And I really want to publish this blog already, so anything else I think of will have to wait for another blog :) Boa noite!!!

Beyond Measure (Revised)

"Watch your thoughts, for they become words. Watch your words, for they become actions. Watch your actions, for they become habits. Watch your habits, for they become your character."

Everything starts with a single thought. The moment you allow yourself to entertain the idea of something, an unseen seed is planted in your mind that starts sprouting its way down to your heart where it produces visible fruit. And it can be both good and bad. The good is obvious, so let's talk about the bad :P You get this crazy idea that you can't even bring yourself to say out loud. You know you can't do it, shouldn't do it, that it's so bad, so wrong, so... not you. And yet it starts... "It's OK, I can think about it... I'll never say it, or do it, but just thinking about is OK.... So just let me indulge myself for a short while, 'cuz it feels so good..." And so you start thinking about it... Meditating on it... Getting comfortable with it... These thoughts don't just "cross" your mind... They straight up make camp there. And eventually those thoughts win you over to the point where you're OK speaking them out loud. And as you speak it, you not only begin to rationalize doing it, you actually make a resolution to do it... One day anyway, and just once... And then, never again. And then that one day comes... Again, and again and again... Until the point it becomes not just something that you do, but who you are...

"Love is giving someone the power to hurt you and trusting them not to."

It's not the feeling of hate towards someone that means that a relationship is truly over. Love and hate are two sides of the same coin, often interchangeable really, as "love-hate" often comes out of anger, frustration and annoyance with someone you love. What really signifies "the end" is fear. Fear is the opposite of faith, or trust... Faith in the future of a relationship/friendship and trust that the other person is just as invested in it as you are. There's nothing sadder than when a face you used to love and adore becomes ugly and repulsive to you because of how much the person behind it has hurt you. When instead of your heart skipping a beat with joy and excitement at seeing him/her, it recoils with cold and paralyzing fear at the thought of suffering any more pain at the hand of that person. When the only desire that's left is not for comfort, reconciliation, answers or closure, but to never have to deal with that individual ever again. It's hard to bounce back from that kind of damage, as fear drives a wedge between people that's deeper than hate or even indifference.

"The chains of yesterday surround me, I yearn for peace and rest, don't want to end up where You found me."

Don't look back, those who look back want to go back... We either remember only the good or only the bad... And in reality, it was never THAT good (or THAT bad) for it to be worth going back to. Imagine a child crying from the pain of getting a vaccination shot. Now, on the way home, her mind keeps going back to that moment, and she starts crying again. The physical pain itself is long gone and she is miles away from the doctor's office, safe in her parent's car, but emotionally, she keeps going back and reliving the fear and pain of getting that shot when it's really over and she should just forget about it and move on... So don't do it. Don't live in yesterday's pain. Don't keep going back to it in your mind and refreshing the emotions of the past. Yesterday ended last night, today is a brand new day, and nothing has to ever be the same.

Sad, But True...

This blows my mind:

When you're hurt by someone, they are the ones you want to be comforted by... For them to "un-break" your heart... No matter how many people you're loved by and adored, no matter how many times you're told that you're beautiful, desired, amazing, wonderful, and pretty much the best thing in the world, it means nothing to you and you don't believe it as long as "they" don't think so... WHY?!?!

Women don't mind being manipulated, but they hate being taken for granted. "Fine, I'll do what you want, but you better appreciate it!" It's funny though how men never appreciate something that comes easy to them...

The power in a relationship lies with whoever cares less. However, power is not happiness. Happiness is loving extravagantly without expecting anything in return. The happier person cares more :)

Knowing the difference between what was, what is and dealing with not knowing what will be... What was once real, but no longer is, what was never real and how pretending that something will one day be real won't make it so.

Don't harbor false hope. I've learned to have hope not in the event of something happening, but only in God's ability to make it happen.

"To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you." ~Lewis B. Smedes

So when does the pain and the fear go away? I surprisingly found out the answer just days after publishing this post: When you forgive yourself and the person who has hurt you. And while you're at it, ask them for forgiveness as well! As hard as the second task may seem, the first one can be much harder, especially if you're an idealist like myself. Guilt, shame, condemnation and thoughts of "How could I have been so stupid???" are not easily shaken off and the desire to punish yourself is overwhelming, even when you're not being punished by anyone else. Acknowledging the fact that you're only human helps, as nothing is as grounding and humbling as a major f*** up that leaves you looking like a fool and feeling like s***.

Ultimately, forgiveness is giving up your right to be upset, angry, hurt and resentful towards the offending party. While you may have every right to feel these things and even consider yourself entitled to feel them, the longer you hold on to them, the longer you deny yourself the freedom that comes with letting go and relinquishing your hold on self-righteous anger.

Forgiving is love's toughest work, and love's biggest risk. If you twist it into something it was never meant to be, it can make you a doormat or an insufferable manipulator. Forgiving seems almost unnatural. Our sense of fairness tells us people should pay for the wrong they do. But forgiving is love's power to break nature's rule. ~Lewis B. Smedes

Summer School

***Disclaimer - Please take this post with a sense of humor and a grain of salt :) It's not meant to be negative, cynical or bitter. You know that's not me ;) Sure, there's a little bit of truth in every joke, but believe it or not, this IS meant to be funny :) I figure I've cried about it enough, so might as well laugh now... While most of the examples do come from my own personal adventures, other things I've observed and witnessed in my friends' situations and have not experienced first hand. This is a highly personal post, but I'm OK with being open, real, vulnerable and transparent with my life. I'm human... I'm susceptible to feelings, deception and mistakes. And I know that I'm not alone in going through this stuff... So if my stories can touch someone's heart, it's well worth it to "expose" my experiences :)***

Recently, it has dawned on me that this is the 3rd summer in a row that I'm spending crying over a heartbreak :( It's like there's a seriously distributing pattern that has emerged in my life over the last 3 years: What starts out as a sweet, innocent spring romance, full of excitement, joy and fun, ends up getting scorched by the heat of summer and withering away in the sun... So for the last 3 summers I've been forced into "summer school" of broken hearts, trying to learn from my experience only to have a similar (but different) situation reoccur exactly a year later. Major FAIL... Well, I'm determined for this to be the end of it. After 3 strikes, I'm out! No more summer drama! God help the guy who tries to sweep my off of my feet next spring (because until then I don't want anything to do with boys except dance salsa :P)! And just to prove that I HAVE, in fact, learned something from the soggy summers of A, B and C, I'm going to write out all the hard lessons of life and love that have been (or should be) etched in my brain AND on my heart (which apparently had a mind of its own).

*When he tells you how much he likes you, ask him why. If it's based on attraction, appearance or how you make him feel, it won't last... What if one day you no longer make him laugh or he no longer finds you fun to be around? That's right, he'll drop you so fast it'll make your head spin and replace you with someone who does. As one of my friends put it, guys always think "Bigger, Better, Next!"

*As beautiful as he tells you your eyes are now, he'll grow immune to them eventually and no amount of eye make up will reverse that.

*No matter how much he may tell you that he loves your smile and making you laugh, he'll soon be doing his best (unintentionally, of course) to permanently make your smile vanish without a trace and have you filing a "Missing Laugh" report.

*Don't believe when he tells you how special you are... Because if you do, you'll only make yourself the "short bus" kind of special... Consider yourself the "flavor of the night/week/month/season" special instead, that's all.

*What he liked about you before, he'll hate about you later... The "Oooo, you're different..." fascination will quickly turn into "Ewww, you're different..." resentment.

*You WILL be replaced... And it may only be a matter of minutes/hours/days... Try not to take it personally... After all, he now needs someONE (because someTHING just wouldn't be as exciting) else to occupy his time and thoughts...

*Everything he did to win you over in the beginning you'll see him doing to "the new girl"... Commenting on FB statuses and pictures, flirting, touching, hugging, calling/texting/chatting, hanging out, dancing, kissing, etc. Which again proves that you weren't that special...

*"Letting Go" does not mean trying to maintain a friendship... So let go of him, his life, his stuff, his FB page and hardest of all, his friends and family... Forget the fact that you totally bonded... Sucks, I know...

On a more serious note, I learned some other stuff too...

*I learned my strengths and weaknesses... That my greatest strength is, in fact, my biggest weakness...

*I learned that I'm loyal to a fault... So committed to the people in my life that I will not let go, walk away or move on because I'll be so darn dedicated and faithful to making even a bad friendship/relationship work. I'll go down with the ship rather than get off it. Fortunately enough, God has, in His great mercy, always managed to remove me from the sinking ships before they truly went down.

*I learned to take my time and process my thoughts and emotions before communicating them to the other person. I finally learned to think before I speak!!! :)

*I learned to forgive and let go of offenses... To be quick to listen, slow to speak and always think the best no matter how the situation appears. OK, fine, so I'm still trying to learn that last part :P

*I learned to run to God right away with everything because He understands and doesn't judge, get mad or punish me. I've learned to be open and honest with Him in my pain, disappointment and despair... I've learned to trust Him...

*I learned to not have any expectations of people or even of myself... I now know that I'm capable of anything... Really.

*I learned that I can't help anyone who doesn't want to be helped. I can't be anyone's "Savior"... I'm not responsible for other people's life choices and daily decisions. I can't let them affect me or take them personally.

*I learned that bad company really does corrupt good morals...

*I learned to be more open minded, accepting and unconventional... I've learned to "think outside the box" :)

*I learned that people can't really change for people... They need to be changed by God.

Will I get involved with the "wrong" person and get my heart broken again? Honestly, I hope not... All I know is that I have a choice not only in all I do and how I respond, but also in how I choose to feel... So from this day forward... ;)

Are You a FireWORK or a FirePLACE?

If you really think about it, the most important quality of God is not His love, forgiveness, grace, mercy, comfort, power or anything else that He does or is... It's His Faithfulness... The fact that He doesn't just love, forgive, provide and heal every once in a while (when He feels like it or is in a good mood), but that He can always be counted on and trusted to do so steadily and consistently. He doesn't (and won't) stop.

So if we as His children are created in His image, then we too should be faithful in all we are and all we do towards ourselves, God, and the people in our lives. Face it, no man is an island, we were all created to be in different relationships throughout our lives and we all have a need to feel loved, accepted and validated in those relationships... Which got me thinking... In terms of "faithfulness", how committed we are in those relationships determines not only their success, but also our character.

Some relationships (friendships) are like fireworks... They are thrilling and exciting, beautiful, loud, put on a great entertaining show, stun your senses and are overall enjoyable. You light a fuse and off they go. The problem is, they last only a short while and once they are done, all that's left is ashes and smoke of what was...

Other relationships are more like a fireplace... Warm, inviting, cozy, and comforting, they require some work such as adding wood to the fire to keep it consistent, but the point is, it lasts!!! It's not the BIG BANG and BOOM, it's over, kind of a relationship, but a slow and steady one that gives off heat as well as light and welcomes someone to come in, stay awhile and share their whole life with you, not just the short lived, exciting parts.

Being faithful in life means having very little room for selfish behavior (which is fickle and ever changing, depending on mood and circumstances), persevering in hard times and simply not giving up on yourself, God, and other people... Seriously, I think it's by far the most important quality a person can have because it makes them "safe", trustworthy, reliable and secure to be around. Success may not always equal being faithful, but being faithful ensures success :)

A Night To Remember...

As much as I pride myself on my excellent memory, after dancing so much for so long, I only remember dance nights that have very special significance (and emotional attachment :P) and last night was a night that will most definitely go down in history as being one of the the most exciting, exhilarating, satisfying, crazy, surprising, sizzling, smoking HOTTT, "ON" nights I've had so far!!! And I MUST give ALL the credit to my wonderful Jesus because after the horrible day I had leading up to it, everything that went on and off the dance floor following my tearful prayer to Him, was nothing short of a miracle ;). He really is A-mazing and has arranged and worked out all things to work out that night in my favor (including the fact that I didn't have to work this morning after being out all night!) and I'm SO touched and grateful :)!

Anyway, it was just one of those nights where I was the first and the last person on the dance floor :) From the very first song (thanks, Alison!!!) to the very last, I pretty much danced every single song (with the exception of a couple of water and bathroom breaks during the Cha-Cha's) even as my feet threatened to give out on me by the end of the night and hurt so bad that every step was an "Ouch" in my head, it still felt so GOOD!!! But it wasn't even just the nonstop dancing that made for an incredible night, it was the complete and total package of atmosphere, music, me looking and feeling like a million bucks (I've GOT to wear that top out more often!!!) and just being sought after and complimented by the most awesome leads on my dancing that was just ON FIRE :P!!! It was being surrounded by my friends who love, support and care about me and feeling "safe"... :)

The surprises kept on coming even after the music stopped as well :) A heartfelt hug and hopeful words from someone I've been seeking reconciliation with, hanging out and connecting with a new friend, a late night snack and a deep, yet fun conversation with old friends... And then a pouring out of the heart and getting some good advice from someone wise :) I just felt so completely "taken care of" the whole night... It was almost unreal... I was on a "high" and it was euphoric, but in a good, healthy and a divine way ;) hehe...

So yea... It was a great dance night... A HUGE and a very heartfelt "Thank You" to all who were there and contributed :) I love you guys, I really do... :) ;) :P