Out on a limb...

Every now and then a situation comes along when it seems like what you want is finally within reach. And so we make plans, dream dreams, and dare to get our hopes up. We feel the thrill, the excitement, the anticipation. We can almost taste the success... We go for it, put ourselves out there, give it our best shot, all we've got, and then hold our breath and wait... All for nothing... Nothing but a slammed door in the face.

So what happens when we fail? Or when life seemingly fails us? What then? When hopes and dreams are dashed and crumbled, hearts broken and spirits crushed? Rejection is never pleasant, no matter which form it comes in. So what do we do? Dig a hole of self pity and bury ourselves in it? Hide in a dark corner of depression and cry bitter tears of resentment? The temptation to do all that is great...

Natural reaction to pain is always self defense for the fear of getting hurt again. When we make ourselves vulnerable, we risk getting hurt. And maybe 9 out of 10 times we will... So why do we keep doing it? Because that one time is worth it. Because you know that in order to get what you want you gotta keep trying. I'm all for "If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No need to make a fool out of yourself." Also, the definition of insanity is to do the same thing over and over while expecting different results. So by all means, common sense is very called for. No need to keep pursuing a shut door...

At the end of the day, what keeps you going and looking forward to the days ahead? I believe it's faith, hope and love mixed in with your God given gifts, talents and desires. Life is hard and pain is inevitable. While we cannot control many things, our attitude is always a choice. The temptation to run and hide every time things don't work out the way we want them to will always be there. Don't do it... It's too easy...

Love cannot not give... Love life. Love others. Love yourself. Love your Creator. And give it all your all :)

"Develop an attitude of faith, hope and love towards life. Many things are possible for the person who has hope. Even more is possible for the person who has faith. Still more is possible for the person who knows how to love. But everything is possible for the person who practices all three virtues."

To follow or not to follow?

Who you follow determines where you end up.

It's fascinating how seamlessly this well known fact of life correlates to the dance world of "leads" and "follows". Generally speaking, a follow simply reflects the actions of a lead(er). It's a simple equation where one variable (the follow) is directly affected by another (the lead). When the two step out on the dance floor, it is understood that one will lead and one will follow, otherwise, there will be no dance. When a follow accepts a dance invitation from a lead, it is pretty much (on a MUCH smaller scale) equivalent to a citizen choosing a president, a church appointing a pastor, a person choosing a mentor. You can only go as far as that person takes you.

In order to obtain growth and improvement, one must always be stretched, challenged and presented with new "stuff". The reason we "look up" to someone is because we recognize that they are "above" us in some way or another and we want that which they have. In every relationship, if we respect the person, we tend to want to emulate something about them, whether it's a character trait, a talent, work ethic, business, ministry, marriage, family life, whatever. These people are our role models, inspirations, "idols"...

Just being around them, however, is not enough. Hanging out with Mother Theresa will not necessarily improve your personality. Improvement can only come from change. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over while expecting different results. There is little we have control over in this world, but the one thing that we can always be in control of is ourselves, our thoughts, our actions, our attitude, and the way we respond to whatever is thrown at us in life. We need to choose to change. And all mental decisions need to be followed through with a physical action. In all of this, there is no place for emotions, because anything established on emotions will sooner or later crash and burn.

Last, and perhaps the most important point: You can't be a good lead without being a good follow. All of my favorite dance leads know how to follow. Coincidence? I think not. In order to better lead, one must be able to relate to the follow. Think of it as a chain of command... Every leader must be leadable... Good follows make the best leads.

So who are you following? Where are you heading? Where will you end up in life? Apostle Paul told the early churches to follow him as he followed Christ. I think that is the most perfect model of leadership there is. Ultimately, Jesus Christ is my only role model and I'm following Him by following those who also follow Him. As a result, I have others following me because I am following Him. I'm both a lead and a follow. Keeps me humble :)

Reflections of RI

*The City*

Dubbed as the Renaissance City, Providence is a city like no other... The people, the culture, the atmosphere... The language! LOL I could not get over the heavy Italian accent I heard EVERYWHERE! Or was it just the Rhode Island accent that suddenly sounded stronger than ever after being away for so long? Funny thing is, after a couple of days, I sounded just like them... It all came back! I'm still amazed at how one city can be so beautiful, yet so ghetto all at the same time... On a couple of my strolls through certain neighborhoods I caught myself wishing I had my pepper spray with me... I was actually questioning my safely... Something I haven't done in Seattle yet...

*Family*

My dad is whipped... I can't believe it. I salute my stepmom, she is awesome! She has completely transformed my dad into a person I do not know. I suspect my adorable 3 year old half sister might have had a little to do with that as well... I guess (new) parenthood changes men... Still, some things about him are (sadly) still the same... Oh well, as long as he loves my stepmom and Sophia, I'm cool with whatever... My stepsister is a different story altogether... How bad was it of me to actually not want to be around her :(... Her bf and I get along great though!

*Friends*

True friends aren't necessarily the people you see everyday... They are the people you don't see for months, but when you do, you just pick up right where you left off... And it's like it was only yesterday... :) I guess what it came down to was that I saw people who wanted to see me. It was a random selection really... An ex bf, a high school reunion, some old co-workers and a mix of friends from college and church. Seeing them happy put a smile on my face. Seeing them struggle made me sad... In the end, all I could do was make sure they knew I loved them and was there for them. So many of them have been affected by the economy (RI has the highest percentage of unemployment in the country) and it has devastated them (esp. guys). I know that most of these people will always be in my life in some way or another because our connections are just so strong :)

*Dancing*

I don't know if I'm totally accurate in saying this, but from what I've seen while I was there, the Latin dance scene in RI leaves more to be desired... Maybe I am biased. Maybe I was just missing my friends, my cozy little dance hubs and Nick's amazing music, but dancing in Providence just didn't do it for me... I missed "my" leads - dancing with the people I know, love, and can affectionately hug afterwards :) I guess I can't fully enjoy dancing without connecting with the person I dance with :)

*Food*

Can you say I T A L I A N? Providence is truly famous for its strong Italian heritage, and that is clearly evident in its cuisine. Its restaurants and chefs are top notch, which is not surprising since one of the top culinary schools in the country, Johnson and Wales University, resides downtown. Providence is also famous for its many bars, lounges and "upscale" socializing. In a city run by mafia, what can you expect? ;)

*Loose Ends*

I do love Rhode Island and I do love Providence. However, I do not miss it. True, every time I visit I get overwhelmed by a wave of nostalgia that sweeps over me with the memories of the past, but it's a past that's dead and gone. My new life is in Seattle :) Seattle is home :) I love it :) It's just... me!

The (Re) Connection

I remember when I first started dancing salsa... As a hip hop dancer, I thought I already knew it all and could move to the beat better than most. Apparently that wasn't good enough for salsa... The only "partner" dancing I was familiar with at that point was "bump and grind", so needless to say, I had to start from scratch... At first, to me, salsa was all about the steps: the basics, the turns, the combinations... Later, I realized that it's all about being a good follow, which comes from something far more important than knowing the steps - a connection with your partner. That connection was something I was always fighting in other dances, but since it wasn't quite so physically intimate in salsa, I was OK in making it there (since I only danced with my friends anyway), thus becoming a better dancer.

It took me a bit longer to make that connection in bachata, and what it finally came down to was who I dance with. Since I already have a natural connection with my friends, the guys I know, love and respect, I feel safe letting down my guard and allowing myself to connect with them during the dance. I'd still never dance a bachata with a stranger though... Blues is the same way... I'm cool dancing and goofing around with my friends, but I can't get that close and personal with people I don't share affection with on a regular basis.

Let's switch over to tango now, this incredibly beautiful, complex, and difficult dance I've been trying to learn lately... I really must give it full credit for breaking down my physical comfort zone. I guess once you do the close embrace you don't go back... Anyway, the physical closeness is not the problem... My insecurities about not knowing what I'm doing are... I'm so focused on getting all the steps right, I'm distracted from what's really important: the music and the actual "connection" with my partner... Letting him move me...

It's the same in our relationship with God... Sometimes we can be so focused on getting all the "steps" right in our walk with Him, that we forget about the connection... Dancing to the music of His love... Letting Him move us, letting His love compel us... Isn't that what it all was meant to be about? The fear of our inadequacies will always break that connection... We are not always going to do/say/think/feel the right thing... Mistakes are bound to happen, but it's the connection that will keep Him and I together, and that connection can only come out of a relationship of trust. Trust in His character, His nature, His love, His Word, His promise... Dancing with Jesus is like dancing with a best friend... I know Him and He knows me, fully and completely, so it's a great dance everytime :P!

Show Must Go On!

I thoroughly enjoy finding new parallels between dancing and my relationship with God :) Every time He shows me something new, I get really excited because I'm once again reminded that when we put God at the very center of our lives, it affects every area of our life :) Since God loves us so much, everything (and everyone!) we love is important to Him and He can teach us and speak to us through practically anything and everything!

So anyway, this is what I realized last night:

When I first started dancing, every time I'd mess up, I would just stop. Not only did it not look good, but it broke the momentum of everything I was doing before, which would have to get built up all over again once my partner got me back on track and we resumed the dance. Now, things are a bit different... Do I still mess up? Of course! Not as much as I used to, but occasionally small slip ups still occur. But you know what?! You'd never know it if you watch me now :) Because the more I dance, the better I get and the more I learn :) And one of the most important lessons I learned is to never stop... Just keep dancing! Even if I mess up or have no clue what's going on, I just keep on beat, keep doing the basic and keep up the momentum to go into another combination, turn or spin. And when I come out of it, I just go back to the basic! I never stop, because the key is to keep moving :)

In our walk with God, this principle translates the same way... Our journey with Him is a process. We are always learning, hence we still tend to mess up... So when you do, don't wallow in guilt, shame and condemnation! Don't stop doing what you're doing! Don't lose faith, hope and love :) Keep going... Keep on moving... Go back to the basic... Read your Bible, pray, surround yourself by the community and fellowship of other believers... Don't lose the momentum...

In this beautiful dance of life, God Himself is our partner, and He is faithful to complete the work He started in us. He'll get you back on track and into another exciting move :) Just learn to follow Him...

So You Think You Want To Date Me...

In the last couple of weeks I've been hearing a lot on the topic of singleness. Particularly my own and my girlfriends'. We are all young, intelligent, educated, GORGEOUS, talented, fun, and have personalities that literally radiate attraction. So what gives? I mean, the desire is there... There are plenty of guys I've been attracted to and thought, "Hey, I wouldn't mind going out with him!" I actually did go out with a few, but they all seemed to hit the brick wall of "Is this really going to work?" and resulted in a crash and burn... It's not that we wouldn't have had a fun short term fling or an even shorter intense red hot affair, it's just that I wasn't interested in investing my time, energy and emotions into something that I knew would leave me high and dry because it had no long term potential... Our standards, morals, values and beliefs just didn't match up, which completely eliminated the possibility of any romantic future together...

When a friend asked me why I wasn't dating any of the guys I met at salsa, I replied, "Because none of these guys want to date a girl who won't sleep with them." Sad, but true... I'm sure they all respect me for it, but nonetheless... Don't get me wrong... I'm all about love and romance and passion in the bedroom (and on the dance floor), but it has to be at the right time with the right person, in a relationship that is safe and secure, where there is freedom to let go and be vulnerable because there's complete trust, commitment and covenant. My body and heart are a package deal and are too precious to be given away carelessly.

That being said, here are some things you need to know about me and some things you need to check yourself for if a thought of dating me has ever crossed your mind ;) :

Me:

*Once you're in my life in any way, you're in, and you're staying in unless you choose to get out.

*I'm not the girl you bootycall at 2 am, I'm the girl you take home to meet mom and dad.

*I'm NOT going to sleep with you (unless you're my husband).

*I'm blunt and honest with a sarcastic sense of humor :) So if your feelings tend to get hurt easily, I'm not the girl for you...

*My top 3 Love Languages are #1 Quality Time, #2 Physical Touch, #3 Acts of Service. That means spend time with me/talk to me, hug me, and do stuff for me :P LOL

* I value sincerity, honestly and loyalty above all else.

* I love spontaneously, surprises and all that fun random unexpected stuff :)


You:

...have to love Jesus. As a person, and not some religious figure. Respect, admiration and faith alone are not good enough. Love.

...have to love people. All people. Genuinely. And be comfortable around all races/ages/ethnicities/orientations/backgrounds.

...have to be able to fit in and "hang" with my friends, family, church, and dance community.

...have to dance :) Anything counts really, as long as you have some passion and some rhythm, although the ideal, of course, would be salsa ;)


So if you can handle the "Me" part and got the 4 "You" things down you're golden (granted the initial attraction/connection/chemistry is already there :P)!

Validation

This video has hit home so hard, it knocked the wind out of me and sent me into a tailspin of emotion so intense I needed a moment to collect myself after watching it. It was as if I was watching the story of my own life. Hugh Newman was me... A bubbly, optimistic cheerleader whose greatest joy came from speaking life into people's lives, making them smile and giving them hope. I was a leader at my church, a pastor's assistant and a mentor to many girls. My life was overflowing with happiness, excitement, and sunshine. And I couldn't help but share it with everyone I encountered.

All was well... until I fell in love. And of course, I couldn't fall in love with someone who was just like me, another "cheerleader"... I fell in love with a "wounded bird", someone so hurt and so broken, I just had to try and "save" him... And I couldn't. I took every smile, every laugh, every hug, every little sign of happiness on his part as a personal victory, a small triumph of some sorts, anything to keep me going in my efforts to "win" him over. And when I didn't, it absolutely devastated me.

I lost myself... I mean, after all, what was the point of having joy in my life and giving it to others when I couldn't share it with the one I loved the most? And so gone was my own smile, my own joy, my own sense of identity, destiny and purpose. Maybe not all of it all at once, but chunks of it were definitely stolen by sadness, tears and frustration that seemed to have come out of nowhere to fill in the void created by my broken heart. It stayed like that for a while... My family, friends and pastors were confused... What happened to their Anna?! They loved and supported me the whole way through.... They wanted my smile back. Jesus was always there too... Reading The Shack and lots of Philip Yancey helped me understand and get my peace back :) The Bible has provided me with some priceless wisdom and comfort as well :)

So yea, after months of pain and some pretty intensive "therapy", I was back! The joy, the laughter, the "gift" of bringing it out in others, was still in me... It has never left. I was now back to being myself and doing what I love... making others smile :) And this is still where I am right now :0) That is my "happy ending"... Do I want the same happy ending as this video? Of course I do... The thought alone makes me catch my breath... I'd do anything for things to end like that... However, I realize that my life is not a short film and that there are no guarantees or formulas to make it all work out exactly the way I want it to. And that's ok. Maybe an alternative ending will be just as good if not better :) Meanwhile, I'll just keep living my life, doing my thing and being myself... Because I'll never completely know the full impact and extent of my words/actions and whose life I end up touching...