I absolutely love being a leader/mentor/teacher, whatever you wanna call it... I love my girls (and a few unofficial guys lol), but the last few weeks have not been fun... Two Sundays ago I was talking with Pastor John about an issue I was having with two of my girls and he just laughed as said, "Anna, do you think God is working on your girls right now? He's really working on you!" I was like, "I know..." Well at least then I thought I knew... now I really know and quite frankly, I don't like it one bit. It's been escalading daily and finally peaked today, but now I think I got it...
So since I haven't been working the last week or so, I've been keeping pretty busy with church stuff and mostly my girls... Meeting with them and talking with them and all that good fun stuff. Well, I've been having a hard time with some of them who are going through a rough time right now... Pretty much all in one area... Yup, you guessed it... Why is it always that? So they are crying and freaking out and I'm like, Lord, how can I help them when I'm barely hanging on myself? And in other areas as well... I feel like everything they are going through, I'm going through as well, even if I've never had to deal with any of it before. So I'm like, Lord, what gives? Do I really need to relate to them like that? I mean, I love being able to hold them and cry with them and say I know, I understand, I've been there, I'm going through it too, I've had to deal with that too, I know it's important for me to be able to really understand them in order to help them, but at my own expense? Isn't what I've been through in my past enough? Apparently not... I find that the things that frustrate me about my girls and that they are struggling with are coming up in my own life as well now... and I'm like, why am I having to deal with this?
I was talking to Svetik yesterday and after I told her everything she asked me if I still want to be a pastor... I do... But God still has to do a lot in my life before then... On Sunday John said that before God will do anything in the lives of people we are praying for He has to do it in us first... And so He is. It's hard. It's stretching my faith. It's painful at times... and more than anything, it makes me feel so weak, so human, so helpless and inadequate... And I know that's the point... I can't rely on myself, because I simply don't have what it takes and by myself I will always fall short, but His strength is made perfect in my weakness... So in the end, I'll be ok, He's got me :)
Monday, June 30, 2008
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Unwritten
Two Fridays ago I showed The Dead Poets Society to a middle school English class I subbed for, and it got me thinking... Middle school must be the time everyone is introduced to poetry... I think it's like in the national middle school curriculum for English or something...
I remember being introduced to structured poetry in 7th grade and free verse poetry in 8th grade... That's when I first started writing... I remember it was so simple, so childish, mostly about love and middle school heartbreak and relationships. Cute, but not very good. I continued writing in high school and it got a little deeper, but was still mostly about love and romance and whatnot, with a little life mixed in. My friends would ask me to write for them. I was proud of my work then, but looking back at some of it now, I cringe. In college, I wrote sporadically. Only when I had to at first, but as I started journal writing, more and more poetry flowed out... I still have all of it, on various web pages, in journals and in my mind. It was good and got better with time, but 99% of it was sad... True, I've always written out of personal experience and such was my life back then... Sad... painfully, heartbreakingly sad... And downright depressing at times. Since college, I've only written a handful of poems, concentrating my writing on journaling instead. These past week though, has been soaked in poetry.
Ever since watching the movie, I've been thinking about poetry, what inspires it, the beauty of it and the art of teaching it. I've even written some short pieces in my spare moments, all too personal to share... And last week, my 3 English classes went to a poetry workshop presented by Youthspeaks Seattle, which was more than inspiring. During the workshop, we not only got to listen to some amazing spoken word presented in a powerfully moving way, but we were actually taken through some writing exercises that have caused us to produce our own masterpieces. Here are some of mine:
Respect
Reach out and touch a life
Each person has a destiny and a purpose
See the potential in yourself and others
Practice on purpose that which you wish to perfect
Enjoy your life and the people in it
Connect the dots to see the whole picture
Teach and live change
Giving Respect
Holding on to your every word
Keeping my eyes on yours the whole time
Not wanting to miss a single breath, a single sound, a single moment
My own breaths stops, my heart skips a beat, I'm frozen in time
My mind racing, trying to take it all in
Trying to comprehend, to relate, to imagine
Pictures in my mind, colors, faces, emotions
Tears welling up in my eyes
I feel hot, the heat is rising
I hear your voice, I feel Your presence, I am overwhelmed
Your truth opens my eyes, my heart receives it, I'm set free
Concrete Image
My happiness is pure sunshine
My annoyance is a sharp needle prickling at my skin
My excitement is fireworks going off on 4th of July
My anger is a raging fire blazing out of control
My pride is a soldier returning home from war
My frustration is traffic, being stuck with no way out
My satisfaction is comfort food after a long day
My shock is a blast of ice cold water on my fresh out of the tanning bed hot skin
My rejection is a slammed door
My surprise is colorful confetti falling down all around
My numbness is a blank stare, expressionless, full of nothing
My joy is the laughter of children, full of bright innocence
My emptiness is a dry well, dead and lifeless
"The rest is still unwritten.." ;) I'm working on more stuff I can actually share :)
I remember being introduced to structured poetry in 7th grade and free verse poetry in 8th grade... That's when I first started writing... I remember it was so simple, so childish, mostly about love and middle school heartbreak and relationships. Cute, but not very good. I continued writing in high school and it got a little deeper, but was still mostly about love and romance and whatnot, with a little life mixed in. My friends would ask me to write for them. I was proud of my work then, but looking back at some of it now, I cringe. In college, I wrote sporadically. Only when I had to at first, but as I started journal writing, more and more poetry flowed out... I still have all of it, on various web pages, in journals and in my mind. It was good and got better with time, but 99% of it was sad... True, I've always written out of personal experience and such was my life back then... Sad... painfully, heartbreakingly sad... And downright depressing at times. Since college, I've only written a handful of poems, concentrating my writing on journaling instead. These past week though, has been soaked in poetry.
Ever since watching the movie, I've been thinking about poetry, what inspires it, the beauty of it and the art of teaching it. I've even written some short pieces in my spare moments, all too personal to share... And last week, my 3 English classes went to a poetry workshop presented by Youthspeaks Seattle, which was more than inspiring. During the workshop, we not only got to listen to some amazing spoken word presented in a powerfully moving way, but we were actually taken through some writing exercises that have caused us to produce our own masterpieces. Here are some of mine:
Respect
Reach out and touch a life
Each person has a destiny and a purpose
See the potential in yourself and others
Practice on purpose that which you wish to perfect
Enjoy your life and the people in it
Connect the dots to see the whole picture
Teach and live change
Giving Respect
Holding on to your every word
Keeping my eyes on yours the whole time
Not wanting to miss a single breath, a single sound, a single moment
My own breaths stops, my heart skips a beat, I'm frozen in time
My mind racing, trying to take it all in
Trying to comprehend, to relate, to imagine
Pictures in my mind, colors, faces, emotions
Tears welling up in my eyes
I feel hot, the heat is rising
I hear your voice, I feel Your presence, I am overwhelmed
Your truth opens my eyes, my heart receives it, I'm set free
Concrete Image
My happiness is pure sunshine
My annoyance is a sharp needle prickling at my skin
My excitement is fireworks going off on 4th of July
My anger is a raging fire blazing out of control
My pride is a soldier returning home from war
My frustration is traffic, being stuck with no way out
My satisfaction is comfort food after a long day
My shock is a blast of ice cold water on my fresh out of the tanning bed hot skin
My rejection is a slammed door
My surprise is colorful confetti falling down all around
My numbness is a blank stare, expressionless, full of nothing
My joy is the laughter of children, full of bright innocence
My emptiness is a dry well, dead and lifeless
"The rest is still unwritten.." ;) I'm working on more stuff I can actually share :)
Through Hell and High Water
So the last month or so has been interesting... I have experienced some of the highest highs, but also some pretty low lows... It's been quite a learning experience to say the least... As Renee would put it, I was being pruned. The exhilarating moments gave me glimpses of my future to look forward to, while the low lows have humbled me like never before... I still make mistakes left and right though :P Thank God for grace to cover my weakness with His strength :) I think I've finally learned to embrace it...
I'm glad it's all coming up on me little by little, or else I wouldn't be able to bear it... The good and the bad... I'm glad God's timing is perfect in all things and I trust Him with timing all areas of my life just right ;) As much as I want complete relief all at once right now, Him giving me just enough to get me through each day and having to trust Him for the rest has been stretching and growing my faith, teaching me invaluable lessons I'll hold on to for the rest of my life.
This long term subbing experience reminds me so much of my student teaching, it almost mirrors it... I love it... I'm covering for an amazing teacher who is out on pregnancy leave, and she has been super wonderful, helpful and supportive the whole entire time. The rest of the school staff is just as amazing, including the principals who absolutely love me... not to mention the secretaries :P Last night I was going through my student teaching stuff from when I was in an 8th grade English class... I still think it was one of the best experiences of my life... And since I save EVERYTHING, I had a lot of memories to pour over... Even though I was looking for some specific things, I have found much more than I thought I had... Notes and letters from students, pictures, all of their work, special assignments and even some homework... I was so touched by their words, love, effort, care, and just who they were, it was all I could do not to cry. I know that I know that I know that I've touched those kids in a powerful way... and that they touched me. I am now trying to reproduce the same experience with the kids I have now. Am I crazy to think that I can impact them in the last 2 1/2 weeks of school? Well I know I already have... and that they have already impacted me... Today I received my first "Thank you" letter and it made me smile... it came sooner than I expected... I love those kids more and more each day and I can tell they are getting more and more attached to me as well... It's an incredible feeling :)
Mentoring is very similar to teaching for me... The world is my classroom :) I have a very diverse group of girls in their 20's whom I've been discipling for a while now. Recently, a few new ones have entered my life and I find myself being blessed the most by them. A couple of them are in the NewBe class I teach and I absolutely love watching them being transformed by it... Their hunger, their faith, their excitement over what God is doing in their lives... their growing understanding... just the sheer REALITY of God in their life is captivating... As much joy as my girls bring me though, they bring me pain as well... So many times I've been let down, disappointed, hurt and just plain angry with them! Despite of it all though, they know I love them and want the best for them... I'm like a parent in that way I guess, which makes sense, because John and Vita are like my parents...
Life is all about people. It's all about relationships, touching, impacting, inspiring, restoring, transforming, and changing lives... In the end, it's all that matters. I am who I am and I do what I do because of the people in my life who cared enough to make a difference. So now, I want to make a difference as well... In the lives of my family, friends, students, co-workers, strangers, anyone who steps a foot inside my life... And I know I am... And it's the highest high imaginable :D!!!
I'm glad it's all coming up on me little by little, or else I wouldn't be able to bear it... The good and the bad... I'm glad God's timing is perfect in all things and I trust Him with timing all areas of my life just right ;) As much as I want complete relief all at once right now, Him giving me just enough to get me through each day and having to trust Him for the rest has been stretching and growing my faith, teaching me invaluable lessons I'll hold on to for the rest of my life.
This long term subbing experience reminds me so much of my student teaching, it almost mirrors it... I love it... I'm covering for an amazing teacher who is out on pregnancy leave, and she has been super wonderful, helpful and supportive the whole entire time. The rest of the school staff is just as amazing, including the principals who absolutely love me... not to mention the secretaries :P Last night I was going through my student teaching stuff from when I was in an 8th grade English class... I still think it was one of the best experiences of my life... And since I save EVERYTHING, I had a lot of memories to pour over... Even though I was looking for some specific things, I have found much more than I thought I had... Notes and letters from students, pictures, all of their work, special assignments and even some homework... I was so touched by their words, love, effort, care, and just who they were, it was all I could do not to cry. I know that I know that I know that I've touched those kids in a powerful way... and that they touched me. I am now trying to reproduce the same experience with the kids I have now. Am I crazy to think that I can impact them in the last 2 1/2 weeks of school? Well I know I already have... and that they have already impacted me... Today I received my first "Thank you" letter and it made me smile... it came sooner than I expected... I love those kids more and more each day and I can tell they are getting more and more attached to me as well... It's an incredible feeling :)
Mentoring is very similar to teaching for me... The world is my classroom :) I have a very diverse group of girls in their 20's whom I've been discipling for a while now. Recently, a few new ones have entered my life and I find myself being blessed the most by them. A couple of them are in the NewBe class I teach and I absolutely love watching them being transformed by it... Their hunger, their faith, their excitement over what God is doing in their lives... their growing understanding... just the sheer REALITY of God in their life is captivating... As much joy as my girls bring me though, they bring me pain as well... So many times I've been let down, disappointed, hurt and just plain angry with them! Despite of it all though, they know I love them and want the best for them... I'm like a parent in that way I guess, which makes sense, because John and Vita are like my parents...
Life is all about people. It's all about relationships, touching, impacting, inspiring, restoring, transforming, and changing lives... In the end, it's all that matters. I am who I am and I do what I do because of the people in my life who cared enough to make a difference. So now, I want to make a difference as well... In the lives of my family, friends, students, co-workers, strangers, anyone who steps a foot inside my life... And I know I am... And it's the highest high imaginable :D!!!
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
The Blog Theme Song :)
I found it!!! Or heard it, I should say :) The perfect song for my blog... and my life :) Why do I write? Because I've got something to say :)! And it's His life/love/words flowing through me... :)
Something To Say
By Matthew West
Wake up
7:32 am
Can’t believe it’s time to do it over again
Yesterday it took all that you had
And you’re wondering if you’ll ever get it back
But the whole wide world is waiting for
Waiting for you to step out that door
Come on and let your life be heard today
You got something to say
If you’re living
If you’re breathing
You got something to say
You know if your heart is beating
You got something to say
And no one can say it like you do
God is love and love speaks through you
You got it, you got it
You got something to say
Listen up
I got a question here
Would anybody miss you if you disappeared?
Your life is the song that you sing
And the whole wide world is listening
Well, the answer to the question is
You were created, your life is a gift
And the lights are shining on you today
You got something to say
If you’re living
If you’re breathing
You got something to say
You know if your heart is beating
You got something to say
And no one can say it like you do
God is love and love speaks through you
You got it, you got it
You got something to say
In the words of my beloved Pastor John, "TALK TO ME, SOMEBODY!!!" :P
God, I LOVE my life!!! :D
Something To Say
By Matthew West
Wake up
7:32 am
Can’t believe it’s time to do it over again
Yesterday it took all that you had
And you’re wondering if you’ll ever get it back
But the whole wide world is waiting for
Waiting for you to step out that door
Come on and let your life be heard today
You got something to say
If you’re living
If you’re breathing
You got something to say
You know if your heart is beating
You got something to say
And no one can say it like you do
God is love and love speaks through you
You got it, you got it
You got something to say
Listen up
I got a question here
Would anybody miss you if you disappeared?
Your life is the song that you sing
And the whole wide world is listening
Well, the answer to the question is
You were created, your life is a gift
And the lights are shining on you today
You got something to say
If you’re living
If you’re breathing
You got something to say
You know if your heart is beating
You got something to say
And no one can say it like you do
God is love and love speaks through you
You got it, you got it
You got something to say
In the words of my beloved Pastor John, "TALK TO ME, SOMEBODY!!!" :P
God, I LOVE my life!!! :D
Saturday, May 24, 2008
Proof of life
I watched the Narnia, Prince Caspian movie for the 2nd time tonight and my favorite quote was from my favorite character, Lucy, who seemed to be the bridge to Aslan. "Maybe we are the ones who need to prove ourselves to Him." This line rocked me because so many people are looking for proof before they are willing to believe. Even Jesus, who did so many miracles, was badgered for proof from the pharisees. It's one thing to see God doing things in the lives of others, but as long as your own life remains unchanged it's easy to dismiss it and write it off as irrelevant and unreal. Proof must be personal in order to produce faith... and yet, Jesus said, "Blessed are those who have not seen, and yet believed."
Do miracles produce faith or are they produced by faith? I believe it's the later... Faith is what moves God. Not need... faith. Even if God never does another miracle for me for as long as I live, I will still believe in Him. Why? Because He has already done so much... Everyday is proof... the fact that I'm alive right now is proof... I see the proof in everything that surrounds me. Nature, my friends, the changes in my life and the lives of so many other people... the joy and the peace I feel everyday... but most of all... just LIFE... Life is a miracle in itself... it's so complex, so beautiful... so intricate... the way it starts, ends and everything that happens in between... The way one life can touch another... As cliche as it sounds, each life has a "God-shaped" hole in it, something only He can fill, and as much as we try to fill it with everything we can get our hands on, we still come up empty...
What is the biggest proof of God? I think it's a changed life... I want my life to be proof of His existance... Does God have to prove Himself to us? I don't think so... After all, we are His creation, not the other way around. Seek and you shall find... Draw near to God and He shall draw near to you... Prove to Him that you want to know Him and He will show Himself to you... You'll get your proof... the proof of a new life.
Do miracles produce faith or are they produced by faith? I believe it's the later... Faith is what moves God. Not need... faith. Even if God never does another miracle for me for as long as I live, I will still believe in Him. Why? Because He has already done so much... Everyday is proof... the fact that I'm alive right now is proof... I see the proof in everything that surrounds me. Nature, my friends, the changes in my life and the lives of so many other people... the joy and the peace I feel everyday... but most of all... just LIFE... Life is a miracle in itself... it's so complex, so beautiful... so intricate... the way it starts, ends and everything that happens in between... The way one life can touch another... As cliche as it sounds, each life has a "God-shaped" hole in it, something only He can fill, and as much as we try to fill it with everything we can get our hands on, we still come up empty...
What is the biggest proof of God? I think it's a changed life... I want my life to be proof of His existance... Does God have to prove Himself to us? I don't think so... After all, we are His creation, not the other way around. Seek and you shall find... Draw near to God and He shall draw near to you... Prove to Him that you want to know Him and He will show Himself to you... You'll get your proof... the proof of a new life.
Monday, May 19, 2008
A dime a dozen...
I've been called "beautiful" a lot lately. At random times, by random people. Friends, strangers, students, teachers, ect. Mostly female, actually. Not that I mind or disagree, but it got me thinking... So what?! There are SO MANY good looking people out there! I see countless numbers everyday everywhere I go! I'm literally surrounded by them at YP and at my own church, and let me tell you, there are some HOT teachers at Shorecrest High School! And a lot of really cute ones everywhere else... So being beautiful is actually pretty common... Beautiful people are a dime a dozen. While it's still true that being good looking will get you places, it won't get you far. I know plenty of absolutely GORGEOUS girls (myself included, hehe), and guys who are single for no apparent reason... OK so maybe there's ALWAYS a reason lol, but you know what I mean. I may be blessed with good looks, but what does it really matter in the end? That I feel good about myself? Sure, but I'll still feel rotten if I act ugly towards someone...
I tell people they are beautiful all the time. It's actually one of my favorite compliments to give to my girls :). We, females, were created with a desire to feel beautiful and to be told so constantly :) But what I really mean when I tell someone that they're beautiful is that they are a beautiful person. I believe that being beautiful on the inside is much more important than being beautiful on the outside. Because when your inward beauty shines through, it makes you irresistibly beautiful on the outside as well. So I hope that's what people mean when they tell me I'm beautiful. Good looks alone are a dime a dozen, but beautiful hearts are few and far between. It matters little to me that people find my outward appearance attractive. Getting flirted with and hit on gets old and tiresome rather quickly. Being commended on my personality, attitude and character, however, is something I'll always appreciate :)
I tell people they are beautiful all the time. It's actually one of my favorite compliments to give to my girls :). We, females, were created with a desire to feel beautiful and to be told so constantly :) But what I really mean when I tell someone that they're beautiful is that they are a beautiful person. I believe that being beautiful on the inside is much more important than being beautiful on the outside. Because when your inward beauty shines through, it makes you irresistibly beautiful on the outside as well. So I hope that's what people mean when they tell me I'm beautiful. Good looks alone are a dime a dozen, but beautiful hearts are few and far between. It matters little to me that people find my outward appearance attractive. Getting flirted with and hit on gets old and tiresome rather quickly. Being commended on my personality, attitude and character, however, is something I'll always appreciate :)
Saturday, May 17, 2008
Flooded
I don't know what it is about church lately, but it always gets to me. God always gets to me, I should say. Waterproof mascara has been my new best friend for a while now and it doesn't look like anything will change anytime soon... As I shared last night at youth, I really am loving this new fun, adventurous, "living by faith" lifestyle I'm living right now and am glad that God is teaching me so much through this. So many people, including John, have told me that they are amazed by my positive attitude and excitement, and let me tell you, it's genuine. Tonight, however, I bawled my eyes out...
After we had a quick meeting with Vita between Discipleship and Prayer, the sudden awareness of my circumstances started to overwhelm me. When John took the microphone and started to pray over the exact things that were weighing down on my heart, I began to cry... First, out of sheer helplessness and desperation because I realized that if God didn't intervene with a miracle, I would be in big trouble, but as he continued praying, I continued to cry because of the presence of God that showed up and enveloped me in His love and comfort... And this is what I understood:
What kills me is not not being able to go out, shop and travel... It's not being able to bless others. I was always the one to take care of people, and now that I'm limited in my abilities of doing so, it hurts me more than anything. At the same time, now I am the one getting blessed by others... As good as it feels, it's still very humbling because I'm not used to it... I love my friends so much... They know what's up and they know me... So it's like God is saying for me to just relax right now and let Him take care of me even when things seem impossible. I know a miracle is coming. I know my God. Tonight was something crazy... I must have went through half a pack of tissues... But lately that's been just your regular service at The Image...
After we had a quick meeting with Vita between Discipleship and Prayer, the sudden awareness of my circumstances started to overwhelm me. When John took the microphone and started to pray over the exact things that were weighing down on my heart, I began to cry... First, out of sheer helplessness and desperation because I realized that if God didn't intervene with a miracle, I would be in big trouble, but as he continued praying, I continued to cry because of the presence of God that showed up and enveloped me in His love and comfort... And this is what I understood:
What kills me is not not being able to go out, shop and travel... It's not being able to bless others. I was always the one to take care of people, and now that I'm limited in my abilities of doing so, it hurts me more than anything. At the same time, now I am the one getting blessed by others... As good as it feels, it's still very humbling because I'm not used to it... I love my friends so much... They know what's up and they know me... So it's like God is saying for me to just relax right now and let Him take care of me even when things seem impossible. I know a miracle is coming. I know my God. Tonight was something crazy... I must have went through half a pack of tissues... But lately that's been just your regular service at The Image...
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