~Flowing Through Me~

Friends Forever

2011-10-05T11:42:00.000-07:00

Been thinking a lot about friendship lately... I mean, with 800 something "friends" on Facebook (most of whom I actually know personally), the reality of who my real friends were was beginning to get a little blurred. Being so social and having so many people in my life put me in a bit of a predicament... Hundreds of people knew things about me, but not very many of them actually knew me. Which wouldn't necessarily be a problem if my life was boring, uneventful and I was able to keep my mouth shut. But no... I happen to live a pretty full, fun and "exciting" life, and share it with other people, because if you can't, than what's the point??? And so I talk, or post, or write, or comment about pretty much everything that happens to me on a day to day basis... What can I say, I'm pretty outspoken :P And so people talk... To me, about me, you name it. And well... sometimes information alone is not enough. Sometimes interpretation is necessary. And when it comes to personal matters, or issues of the heart, you can't assume, you have to know. And sometimes... you just have to experience.

I think I can safely say that I have at least 25 years of experience in friendship. Looking back, I can remember pretty much all of them. From preschool nap buddies and summer camp pals, to neighbors, school friends, college party partners-in-crime, co-workers, church, and dance... So many circles, so many paths, so many stories... Having made so many friends, I have to admit that I also lost a few ... Some I let go of quickly and with relief, and others I mourn and still hope to reconcile with, even to this day... They say a friendship that can end has never truly existed, and to some extent, I have to agree. But what signifies the end of a friendship? Loss of communication? No... Loss of common interests, activities, and community? Maybe... Loss of trust? Yes.

I've been through my share of arguments, disagreements and even "fights" with most of my friends at some point or another in our friendship, and of course the mature thing to do was to work it out, or at least try... And that can only be done through understanding. And understanding is, indeed, work. It's putting aside your own views, perspectives and feelings, and experiencing the situation in another person's shoes. Sometimes it worked, and sometimes it didn't... Sometimes the results were instantaneous, and other times it took days, weeks, months, and even years... But when it did work, when it really worked, the results were amazing. When understanding took place, a certain knowledge ensued... And not just an intellectual knowledge of superficial facts, but an intimate knowledge of someone's heart and soul... Having experienced what they experienced and felt what they felt, you "knew" them... The Greek word conosco means to know someone in such an intimate way, it is most often associated with the exclusivity of marriage, a circle of trust, a covenant of vows...

Anyway, my point is... People, even friends, may know things about you, but your best friends... they know you. Others may know what you did, but best friends know how you felt... Some may have heard what you said, but only those closest to you know what you meant... And with your best friends, with those who truly know you, it doesn't matter how far apart you live, or how often you speak... When the two of you are in the same room, it's like two hearts connecting as one... Or three hearts, or four, or however many you may be blessed enough to find, and keep... and love...

Wake Me Up Inside

2011-09-30T20:59:00.000-07:00

I feel like I'm re-living a nightmare... Watching someone you love move on to someone else. The biggest irony of all... One person's happiness causing another so much pain... Of course, I realize that I can not hold anyone responsible for my happiness (or lack there of) but myself... And still... Why is it that the person who has caused us so much pain is the only person we want to be soothed and comforted by? And who also happens to be the person we need to stay away from the most? And it's not like you're not happy for them, because you really are, you just don't want their happiness to be rubbed in your face... You don't wanna know... Because you want to be happy too... But instead you feel alone, left out, thrown to the curb, left in the dust, replaced, broken... And you start questioning... Did you mean anything to them at all? Was any of it real? Why was I not good enough...?

The End...

2011-06-24T12:24:00.000-07:00

A casual hi, a casual dance, a winter friendship turned spring romance
The story unfolds through late night texts and calls, two broken hearts playing their roles
Medicating the pain with booze and affection, meeting dead ends and searching for new direction
Need overcomes fear, the void must be filled, yet the walls come back up as budding hope is killed
There's no comfort in truth, just crippling pain, beautiful innocence lost, the holding out was in vain
Addiction is bondage, being chained to the past, living in memories of all that was lost
Future uncertain, emotions come in waves, taking it one step at a time, not planning the days

Friends are like balloons...

2011-06-14T13:46:00.000-07:00

Be kinder than necessary because everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle :)

A sharp tongue can cut your own throat :-O

If you want your dreams to come true, you mustn't oversleep :P

Of all the things you wear, your expression is the most important

The best vitamin for making friends ..... B1...

The happiness of your life depends on the quality of your thoughts .

The heaviest thing you can carry is a grudge.

One thing you can give and still keep . . . . is your word.

You lie the loudest when you lie to yourself.

If you lack the courage to start, you have already finished...

One thing you can't recycle is wasted time...

Ideas won't work unless 'You' do ..

Your mind is like a parachute . . . it functions only when open.

The 10 commandments are not a multiple choice...

The pursuit of happiness is the chase of a lifetime!

It is never too late to become what you might have been...

Life is too short to wake up with regrets. So love the people who treat you right. Forget about the ones who don't. Believe that everything happens for a reason. If you get a second chance, grab it with both hands. If it changes your life, let it . Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it.

Friends are like balloons -
once you let them go, you might not get them
back . Sometimes we get so busy with our own
lives and problems that we may not even notice
that we've let them fly away. Sometimes we are so
caught up in who's right and who's wrong that we
forget what's right and wrong... Sometimes we just
don't realize what real friendship means until it
is too late. I don't want to let that happen so
I'm going to tie you to my heart so I never lose
you.

Share this with all your friends and see
what happens. Even share it with your
balloons that you think have flown away forever.
You may be surprised to see them return...

Why Can't We Be Friends?!?!

2011-05-13T09:39:00.000-07:00

I think I've finally accepted a fact of life that I've been trying to fight for a looong time :/ But experience is a hard teacher and this time, I might have just learned the lesson: Guys and girls can't *really* be "just friends". It's a myth that goes against American pop culture (and most other cultures), and as much as it feels warm and fuzzy to believe in, it's just an illusive illusion...

Fact #1 - Guys have GUY friends... And that's all the friends they really need/want. Guys want other GUYS to do stuff with and bond with over life issues... Stuff like watching sports, going to games, talking about cars, eating burgers, drinking beer, smoking cigars, playing cards, and picking up girls. Sure, once in a while a girl comes along who can hang with the guys, and yea, it makes her "cool", but in the end, she is still a girl, and somehow just doesn't fit in...

And with girls, it's pretty similar as well... We pretty much have our "friend" needs fulfilled by other girls... Those who are like us, who understand us, who we can do girl stuff with and rant about guys who piss us off. And sure, we enjoy having our "guy friends" to get "guy" advice from, flirt with and get help with car issues/moving/fixing stuff, but to be honest, in the back of our minds, we are always wondering if they like us, or if we like them, and if maybe one day we can be "more than friends"... Case point: Guys look to other guys for friendship and to women for mating possibilities (NOT necessarily a bad thing). This also applies vice versa.

Fact #2 - Guys only want to become friends with girls they are attracted to. ***And by "friends" I mean more than "casual acquintances". This involves hanging out 1:1, talking on the phone, texting and being "extra" affectionate with and attentive to. I mean having deep, personal, quality conversations, sharing stories, experiences and really connecting heart to heart - and it doesn't even have to be in a romantic way... at first.*** The point is, with guys, the physical (hormonal) attraction comes first, and they want to get closer (friendly) with you because their brain (penis) is already toying with the idea of how you are in bed. When he asks you to grab some food, it's not because his boys are not around, it's because he'd rather spend time with you in hopes that you'll give him what his boys can't - sex. So if you know that someone is already attracted to you (enough to express it and make it known to you/others) and they are trying to become your "friend", it's not purely because they want to get to know you or find out who/how you really are...

Fact #3 - Guys only stay "friends" with you as long as there is that possibility of them getting something more from you. They'll only want to talk, hang out and be alone with you as long as they know they are getting closer to their goal, whatever that may be... Once they realize that their goal will not be achieved and all their efforts are in vain, their interest in being close friends with you will evaporate faster than steam and they'll move on to someone new and more promising... The "friendship" will also evaporate once they do get what they want from you and you'll either move on to being more than friends (dating, relationship, marriage and so on) or retreat back to being casual acquaintances at best, and at worst... strangers.

Now before every guy out there gets offended and hates me (and I have no one left to dance with), let me make it clear that there are exceptions.

Exception #1 - Family members or friends who are significantly (10+ years) older and are seen almost as parent/mentor figures. It's nice to talk to/hang out with/get advice on the opposite sex from a brother/sister/cousin or someone you respect because of their life experience :)

Exception #2 - Shared interests. Guys/girls you see and hang out with in professional/social/religious/GROUP settings where you may share a hobby (dancing :P), a goal (working out?) or any other "life" passion that will give you a good common foundation to build on. Note: These types of friendships are always group based and are better described as "casual acquaintances" with NO 1:1 time/texting/phone conversations. Example: I enjoy dancing with a lot of guys, most of whom I find attractive, and yet I don't spend any quality 1:1 time hanging out/talking to any of them off the dance floor, because it's when I do that things get complicated :/ What's good about hanging out in groups is that you truly get to know someone in their element without expressing an interest in them, so there's no awkwardness/pressure.

Exception #3 - Gays. Hands down, gay men make THE BEST girlfriends, although I'm not sure if gay women make the best guyfriends...

***OTHER DISCLAIMERS***

Please take into consideration the difference between being friends and being friendly. Sure, guys and girls can be friendly at a distance, but bring the two together in a close relationship, and one will always end up wanting more from another. Now whether or not those desires are admitted, expressed, acted out upon or kept in check is a whole another issue, but the point stands: Strictly platonic relations between men and women are hard to come by... Please also take into consideration that everyone has different views on what "friendship" means and how close they are with their friends. In this day and age of blurred gender roles and open relationships, there seems to be no black and white as everything fades into the grey area of "what's true for me may not be true for you" and such, it's sometimes hard to call things out for what they truly are. But again, this is my blog and it's clearly just my opinion that is stated here.

I think this conversation from When Harry Met Sally sums it up quite well:

Harry Burns: You realize of course that we could never be friends.
Sally Albright: Why not?
Harry Burns: What I'm saying is - and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form - is that men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way.
Sally Albright: That's not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved.
Harry Burns: No you don't.
Sally Albright: Yes I do.
Harry Burns: No you don't.
Sally Albright: Yes I do.
Harry Burns: You only think you do.
Sally Albright: You say I'm having sex with these men without my knowledge?
Harry Burns: No, what I'm saying is they all WANT to have sex with you.
Sally Albright: They do not.
Harry Burns: Do too.
Sally Albright: They do not.
Harry Burns: Do too.
Sally Albright: How do you know?
Harry Burns: Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her.
Sally Albright: So, you're saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive?
Harry Burns: No. You pretty much want to nail 'em too.
Sally Albright: What if THEY don't want to have sex with YOU?
Harry Burns: Doesn't matter because the sex thing is already out there so the friendship is ultimately doomed and that is the end of the story.
Sally Albright: Well, I guess we're not going to be friends then.
Harry Burns: I guess not.

SuperWHY and SuperGOD

2011-05-08T15:17:00.000-07:00

I love watching SuperWHY with Drew in the mornings :) It really is one of the best shows out there that teaches kids the alphabet, phonics, spelling and reading. Drew loves it and I really enjoy listening to him call out the answers and actively participate in naming letters, words and sounds.

Of course, I'm not in it for the academics (or the cheesy story lines), but somehow I still always get a lesson out of it... At the end of every show, after the Super Readers solve all the "little" problems, there is still that one underlying BIG problem that only SuperWHY can solve. As all the characters are freaking out and saying, "But this is what my story says, and there's nothing I can do about it," and "Oh no, what are we going to do, there seems to be no way out!!!" SuperWHY shows up and says, "With my power to read, I can change the story and save the day!" And then he goes on to change just one word in the story sentence and BOOM, like magic, all is well :)

I truly love that one part of the show (and watch it just for that reason) because it always reminds me that my God is a SuperGOD and with just one word, He has the power to change my story and save my day/week/month/season/year/life...

This Is Love Calling...

2011-04-03T23:54:00.000-07:00

You know how there are things that are just unthinkable for us to do? Stuff that we can't ever imagine ourselves doing, things we swear we'll NEVER do, that we are not like that, that it's not "in" us? That was me last year... I saw so much of ________ going on around me and I swore that I would never do it. I was SO sure of it. I even told all my friends that even though so and so and so were doing it, I would never... I thought I was smarter, stronger, and better than that... Well guess what?! I did it... And not just once either... And then I thought my life was over. I got SO down on myself... How could I have done this thing??? I mean, it literally went against EVERYTHING I've lived and breathed for in the last 4.5 years. So yea... I plummeted, I crashed and I was broken from the fall... And then, my amazing friends came alongside me and showed me God's unconditional love and grace... "It's not over," they said, "You're not done, this is not the end of you. This is a defining moment, but it does not define you." "God knew you were going to do this, it didn't catch Him by surprise, He is not disappointed in you or love you any less."

Today in church, pastor Judah reminded us of Peter and how he denied Christ 3 times. Let's look at this story in the book of Matthew chapter 26 (NLT):

33Peter declared, “Even if everyone else deserts you, I will never desert you.”

34Jesus replied, “I tell you the truth, Peter—this very night, before the rooster crows, you will deny three times that you even know me.”

35“No!” Peter insisted. “Even if I have to die with you, I will never deny you!”

Peter was SO adamant about how he was NEVER going to do this "thing", and yet God knew... And He wasn't angry. He knew Peter was going to betray Him, but He also knew that Peter would repent and come back to be one of the greatest apostles and leaders of the first church. I can just imagine what was going through Peter's mind right after he denied Jesus three times and then looked up and met His eyes... I'm sure his anguish was even greater than mine, I'm sure he thought he was done, his ministry was done and that Jesus say, "I told you so!" and want nothing more to do with him... But he was wrong... Just like I was... Because God always finds us in our shame and our sorrow, when the world around us is crumbling by the doing of our own hands, He puts His hands around us and tells us He still loves us, that it's not over, that He's not done with us...

The consequences of my sin get thrown in my face on a daily basis. I've lost friendships over it and there are people who despise me because of it. What can I do??? The only thing I can - Cling to the one who loves me despite of my fall, the one who helped me get back up again and is not judging me based on my past, but guiding me towards a bright future...

"Dirty" Dancing

2011-02-07T18:17:00.000-08:00

I'm a dancer. There are no "if"s, "and"s or "but"s about it. I've been dancing for as long as I can remember, and I plan to dance until I can no longer remember. One of my fondest childhood memories was throwing a dance party at my house for all my friends while my parents were out. I was 10 years old. My poor Grampa who was watching my brother and I at the time almost had a heart attack. That reminds me, I really should apologize to him for being such a handful.... Not that that's changed.

So anyway, back to being a dancer... I grew up being surrounded by music, but just listening to it has never been enough for me. My parents danced, their friends danced, my relatives danced, my culture danced... I was introduced to partner dancing in kindergarten for crying out loud!!! I guess you could say I started young... While I don't remember doing much dancing (besides by myself, in my room) during my elementary and Junior High years, I do remember going to all my high school dances (Homecoming, Winter Ball, Prom, etc.). Once I got to college, I thought I entered dance heaven as I discovered the "club scene". I used to dance so much at this one particular underage club called Remis, that one of my AOL screennames was "remisrat"... Yes, my friends, it was THAT bad. Every birthday, every aced exam, every special and semi-special occasion was celebrated with dancing, because, well, dancing made me happy.

My "dance friends" (because it was debatable whether or not we were REAL friends) and I didn't even need to drink, we just wanted to DANCE. However, we did drink, even though our drinking didn't have as much to with the dancing as it did with the boys we were dancing (and hooking up) with. That's right, I just brought "boys" into this, because other than when I was playing "Go-Go" dancer with my girls up on stage, it was always our mission to find cute boys with hot dance moves. And we did... And they have caused me A LOT of grief... Granted, a few of the boys I met at church have caused me a lot of grief as well, but let's stick to dancing for now. I guess what I'm trying to say is that via "club dancing", I've met and gotten involved with many "bad boys" who did a lot of damage to my heart, mind and self-esteem. Now whether or not they "corrupted" me is contestable, since I've always had a choice to say "no", I just somehow never could...

Let's fast forward to post-college days. After my radical lifestyle change (thank You, Jesus!!!) in 2005, I kissed clubbing good bye and didn't really dance for about a year until I joined the City Church GC Dance Team. Hip Hop choreography has never been my strength though, so I only stayed on the team for less than six months... Right up until the time I got introduced to salsa. With salsa, it was pretty much love at first note. The music (did I mention I've loved Latin music since high school?), the moves, the spins, and the "ballroom" atmosphere had me at hello and I didn't stand a chance. It really was a beautiful friendship... Until my first "salsa crush". That was the first time I almost stopped dancing, and perhaps I should have, because I wouldn't have been the only one who quit due to a broken heart... I've heard stories upon stories of girls who were hurt so badly they not only dropped off the "dance scene", but also from what seems like "the face of the earth". Well, I didn't stop. I came back, round after round, getting back in the ring only to have my butt (heart?) kicked time and time again...

Dancing is complicated. Some people try to simplify it by saying, "Just shut up and dance!", but it's almost like trying to simplify a heart attack - What you don't know can kill you. When you see dancing on TV, it looks simple enough - beautiful movement to beautiful music, but you have no idea what's behind it (unless of course, you, yourself, are a dancer). Music stirs up our emotions, our soul... It's powerful stuff... And close physical body contact does the same. That's why there's so much more to dancing than just moving to the music. Needless to say, I am referring to partner dancing here, salsa and the like to be specific, and the following observations, thoughts and opinions come strictly from my experience, but perhaps you too can relate...

Since hardly anything in this world can be looked upon in pure isolation, but rather in the context of its relationship with everything around it and as a whole, I want to place dancing in its proper context: Moving to certain music, with certain people, in certain places, with certain groups, in a ceratin atmosphere, all while receiving a certain "something" from it. It's a skill, a learned skill, as well as a natural talent, a passion, a desire, an "addiction" as many call it, and a lifestyle (as well as livelihood) for many. It can be healthy or unhealthy, it can help you, or it can hurt you, it's a social circle composed of the "good" and the "bad", and everyone's motives for being there are different. There's an essence of accomplishment, social buzz, exhilaration, satisfaction, fulfillment, and pride in being good at what you do...

I was recently asked why I love dancing so much. What about it made me want it, crave it, "need" it? What holes did it fill in my life and in my heart? Exercise? Social connections? Physical contact and a intimacy (real or false) with the opposite sex? A sense of accomplishment, worth, value? Feeling beautiful, feminine, sexy, desired, wanted? Belonging to a group? Has it become a source of my affection, attention, acceptance, validation, approval, and identity? What feelings and emotions was it stirring up in me? How was it shaping and molding me, my thoughts, my attitude, my life? Just thinking about it makes my head hurt, and yet, I know I need to consider each one of these questions seriously.

While watching Century High, a cabaret show put on by the Century Ballroom, I was both amused and horrified by their spoofs of Footloose and Dirty Dancing movies. In one particular scene, the main character, "Baby", was crying on the couch while writing in her diary something to the affect of "Why should I throw away everything, my whole life, just to be in a high school dance gang with people who don't even care if I live or die?" That line really struck me because of my previous experience in how fickle, shallow, superficial and backstabbing "dance" relationships can be. While I did meet a lot of "true blue" friends at salsa who I know will stick by me no matter what, those are few and far in between, and while I can say that I genuinely do love and care about many people in the salsa community (even those who have hurt me deeply), I somehow doubt that they feel the same way about me... Unfortunately, most friendships in the dance scene tend to be surface level, shallow, superficial and conditional - as long as we go out together, I'll smile, say hi, give you a big hug, and chat with you between songs, but as soon as one of us stops dancing, you'll never hear from me again. Sure, Facebook makes communication outside of dancing very convenient, but how deep do most Facebook "friendships" run? Typed words can never replace the sound of someone's voice or the touch of their hand... Looking at someone's pictures is not the same as looking into their eyes.

Nonetheless, I've seen people change based on who they became friends with in the salsa community. Some of these changes were positive, but some, tragically negative. Don't be fooled, bad company DOES ruin good character, as I've seen happen time and time again, not only to the ones I was close to, but to myself as well. Who you associate with plays a HUGE influence in how you speak, think, and act... It's a scary thing to look in the mirror and not recognize the person you've become... To not have the outside match what's going on on the inside.

So what now? Well, I'm still a dancer. Dancing is still something I enjoy, and the salsa community is still filled with the people I love. Is it a good idea for me to go out dancing 5-7 nights a week? Probably not... Will I be OK if I never go again? Well... Of course dancing is not something I want to ever give up completely... But has it become a "security blanket" for my soul? I want dancing to be safe, I want it to be healthy, I want it to be a pure, fun and enjoyable experience I can share with everyone I care about without worrying about when, where and with whom I dance. I want dancing to be "redeemed". And I know all of that depends on me. On my heart, on my mind, on my perspective. To the pure, all things are pure, even "dirty" dancing...

What You Missed...

2011-02-03T10:01:00.000-08:00

For all my Facebook friends who care to know what's been on my mind for the last 3 weeks, here's a timeline log of my tweets :) Enjoy catching up!!!

MarsHill Mars Hill Church
by anniep94
“If you’re really gonna help hurting people, you need more than a manual. You need the Holy Spirit.” http://ow.ly/3P6Ro #thereligious
3 Feb

MarsHill Mars Hill Church
by anniep94
"People’s lives are messy. And religion just wants to keep it tidy." @PastorMark http://ow.ly/3P6Yk #thereligious
3 Feb

anniep94
Prove by the way you live that you have repented of your sins and turned to God. http://bible.us/Matt3.8.NLT
3 Feb

anniep94
RT @MarsHill "What’s difficult about sexual sin is it has a unique shame factor to it. It’s just a downward spiral." http://ow.ly/3NBFl
3 Feb

anniep94
RT @PastorMark “Friendship is like money, easier made than kept.” - Samuel Butler
2 Feb

anniep94
RT @RickWarren I'd rather hang out with not-yet-believers with honest doubts than with church folk more into golf & clothes than loving God
2 Feb

anniep94
RT @joelosteen "May the LORD bless you...protect you…smile on you…be gracious to you...show you His favor and give you His peace"
2 Feb

anniep94
"You & I need to practice saying, 'I’m sorry. I’m wrong. That was sin. No excuse. Not your fault. Something wrong w/me.'”http://ow.ly/3P6Ik
2 Feb

anniep94
@SnackingKitchen loving someone is being thoughtful and considerate of them, putting them first, so yes :)
1 Feb

anniep94
RT @MarsHill “Sexual sin is really saying, ‘You’re not true, God. I can’t trust you to be good.’” Pastor @davebruskas http://ow.ly/3NBBg
1 Feb

anniep94
RT @RickWarren Jesus changed my hopeless end into an endless hope.
1 Feb

anniep94
RT @RickWarren Honesty is more than truth-telling; it's refusing to manipulate others.
1 Feb

anniep94
@joelosteen "...God is faithful….When you are tempted, he will show you a way out so that you can endure" (1 Corinthians 10:13 NLT).
31 Jan

anniep94
RT @RickWarren Music is God’s gift to us for expressing emotion.
31 Jan

anniep94
RT @joelosteen You can’t defeat bad habits in your own strength. Ask God for His strength. He always provides a way out.
31 Jan

anniep94
RT @MarsHill "[Sexual sin] is a universal struggle, and it’s OK to be open about it. It’s OK not to be OK." Pastor http://ow.ly/3NBxb
31 Jan

anniep94 anniep94
RT @MarsHill "But it’s an issue of the heart. And the good news is Jesus changes hearts." http://ow.ly/3NBIA #biblicalmanhood
31 Jan

anniep94
RT @MarsHill “Sex just isn’t about genitalia, and it’s not about being physical. It’s really about the heart.” Pastor http://ow.ly/3NATR
31

anniep94
I hate cops, I really do. They all suck. I swear all they ever do is give out speeding and parking tickets. They are good for nothing.
31 Jan

anniep94
AWESOME website: http://www.truefaced.com
30 Jan

anniep94
I know this: When I am at my worst, I can only stand the company of other broken people, people who understand suffering and can relate.
30 Jan

NickyCruzOrg Nicky Cruz
by anniep94
RT @edstetzer: Holiness is not separation from sinners, but separation from sin. #FBCJaxPC
30 Jan

MarsHill Mars Hill Church
by anniep94
RT @jonnylentz: "The way to avoid sin is not to stay away from sinners, but to stick closer to Jesus" @PastorMark
30 Jan

MarsHill Mars Hill Church
by anniep94
RT @withluvto: "It's not about my performance, it's about His perfection." @PastorMark @MarsHill
30 Jan

anniep94
Oh, give me back my joy again; you have broken me— now let me rejoice. http://bible.us/Ps51.8.NLT
30 Jan

anniep94
So get rid of all evil behavior. Be done with all deceit, hypocrisy, jealousy, and all unkind speech. http://bible.us/1Pet2.1.NLT
30 Jan

anniep94
Extraordinary love...
30 Jan

anniep94
What a miraculous night... God blessed me in such a powerful way, I was able to be a blessing to someone else :) LOVE IT!!!
29 Jan

anniep94
RT @judahsmith "Don't miss @thecitychurch this weekend...have a hunch we will experience God in a dramatic way- love u." I sure did :)
29 Jan

anniep94
All of us, like sheep, have strayed away. We have left God’s paths to follow our own. Yet the Lord laid on hi… http://bible.us/Isa53.6.NLT
29 Jan

anniep94
RT @PastorMark RT @marshill: "As long as there is breath in your lungs, there is hope for your soul." http://bit.ly/hBxh9q
29 Jan

anniep94
Don’t let evil conquer you, but conquer evil by doing good. http://bible.us/Rom12.21.NLT
29 Jan

anniep94
Finding my voice...
28 Jan

anniep94
"Our greatest glory is not in never falling but in rising every time we fall.", Confucius (My Quote of the Day)
28 Jan

anniep94
"To conceal anything from those to whom I am attached, is not in my nature. I can never close my lips where I have opened my heart.", C. D.
28 Jan

anniep94
"Faith is the art of holding on to things your reason has once accepted, in spite of your changing moods.", C. S. Lewis My Quote of the Day
28 Jan

anniep94
You’ll use the old rubble of past lives to build anew, rebuild the foundations from out of your past. You’ll… http://bible.us/Isa58.12.MSG
28 Jan

anniep94
In prayer there is a connection between what God does and what you do. You can’t get forgiveness from God, fo… http://bible.us/Matt6.14.MSG
28 Jan

anniep94
RT @NickyCruzOrg: chk out interview w/nicky cruz bout upcoming movie-a thousand pieces-based on his life story at http://facebook.com/nickyc
28 Jan

anniep94
Take my side and get me out of this; give me back my life, just as you promised. http://bible.us/Ps119.76.MSG
27 Jan

anniep94
Everything’s falling apart on me, God; put me together again with your Word. http://bible.us/Ps119.76.MSG
27 Jan

anniep94
Oh, love me—and right now!—hold me tight! just the way you promised. Now comfort me so I can live, really liv… http://bible.us/Ps119.76.MSG
27 Jan

anniep94
I’m feeling terrible—I couldn’t feel worse! Get me on my feet again. You promised, remember? http://bible.us/Ps119.25.MSG
27 Jan

anniep94
“When you say a situation or a person is hopeless, you are slamming the door in the face of God.”
27 Jan

anniep94
...to those who still love even though they've been hurt before.
27 Jan

anniep94
Love comes to those who still hope even though they've been disappointed, to those who still believe even though they've been betrayed...
27 Jan

anniep94
It comes in waves...
27 Jan

anniep94
RT @MarsHill "If marriage were all about fated, perfect love, there would be no need for a vow." –Lily http://ow.ly/3LqL3
27 Jan

anniep94
He said, ‘Don’t be afraid, friend. Peace. Everything is going to be all right. Take courage. Be strong.’ “Eve… http://bible.us/Dan10.19.MSG
27 Jan

anniep94
RT @joelosteen: God has all kinds of ways to bring your dreams to pass. Just because you can’t see a way, doesn’t mean that God doesn’t ...
27 Jan

anniep94
RT @MarsHill "For some, this life is as close to hell as they will ever get. [For others] this is their heaven." http://bit.ly/hDxcy2
27 Jan

anniep94
RT @nelsonyong : Chase Credit Cards (or any credit cards for that matter) do not equal Freedom. Do these advertisers think we're retarded?
27 Jan

anniep94
My God, free me from the grip of Wicked, from the clutch of Bad and Bully. http://bible.us/Ps71.4.MSG
27 Jan

anniep94
RT @MarsHill "Any life, all of life, any of life that is lived apart from God is sinful, whether moral or immoral." http://bit.ly/hBxh9q
26 Jan

anniep94
Every prayer, every cry, You alone satisfy...
25 Jan

anniep94
Digging in the past...
24 Jan

anniep94
Although self sufficiency is admirable, when it hides pain, it chokes the life out of relationships.
24 Jan

anniep94
Where our eyes look determines what we see.
24 Jan

anniep94
You have to know yourself before you can change yourself.
23 Jan

anniep94
I feel a breeze cover me called Jehova
23 Jan

anniep94
My story continues...
22 Jan

anniep94
The woman said, “Sir, give me this water so I won’t ever get thirsty, won’t ever have to come back to this wel… http://bible.us/John4.15.MSG
22 Jan

anniep94
The day always comes...
22 Jan

anniep94
I am a towel folding machine...
22 Jan

anniep94
I want to dance with God.
22 Jan

anniep94
Friends come and friends go, but a true friend sticks by you like family http://bible.us/Prov18.24.MSG
21 Jan

anniep94
A pretentious, showy life is an empty life; Become wise by walking with the wise; hang out with fools and watc… http://bible.us/Prov13.7.MSG
20 Jan

anniep94
Truth lasts; lies are here today, gone tomorrow. http://bible.us/Prov12.19.MSG
20 Jan

anniep94
The one who blesses others is abundantly blessed; those who help others are helped. http://bible.us/Prov11.25.MSG
20 Jan

anniep94
The speech of a good person clears the air; the words of the wicked pollute it. Without Good Direction, Peopl… http://bible.us/Prov10.32.MSG
20 Jan

anniep94
I’m praying not only for them But also for those who will believe in me Because of them and their witness abo… http://bible.us/John17.20.MSG
20 Jan

anniep94
Information alone changes nothing.
19 Jan

anniep94
Love is a dance
19 Jan

anniep94
Check this video out -- Father's love letter http://t.co/qfuupLO via @youtube
19 Jan

anniep94
I heart Ballard :)
18 Jan

anniep94
Adultery is a brainless act, soul-destroying, self-destructive; http://bible.us/Prov6.32.MSG
18 Jan

anniep94
Just did a Factory Settings Reset on my phone. What a blessing to have everything wiped out clean and restored anew... My life is next.
18 Jan

anniep94
I am blessed...
18 Jan

anniep94
Why should you allow strangers to take advantage of you? Why be exploited by those who care nothing for you? http://read.ly/Prov5.10.MSG
18 Jan

anniep94
I feel the love :)
17 Jan

anniep94
They’ll keep you from making wrong turns, or following the bad directions So—join the company of good men and w… http://read.ly/Prov2.12.MSG
17 Jan

anniep94
Dear friend, if bad companions tempt you, don’t go along with them. http://read.ly/Prov1.10.MSG
17 Jan

anniep94
Fighting for my future.
17 Jan

anniep94
Still crying...
17 Jan

anniep94
Read my devotions for the last 2 days and bawled by eyes out... Bursting all bubbles.
15 Jan

anniep94
Fell off the wagon...
15 Jan

anniep94
Craving comfort ...
14 Jan

anniep94
Going home and crying myself to sleep.
13 Jan

anniep94
Sin, you do nothing but disappoint and let me down. You add absolutely nothing good to my life...
12 Jan

anniep94
"Crap" is the fertilizer for the "greener grass". Think about it...
12 Jan

anniep94
Just got home. SOOO scary out there!!! I absolutely HATE snow in Seattle!!!
11 Jan

anniep94
This has been the most productive day off ever :) Excited to get my finances in order and be FREE from debt!!!
Jan 11

anniep94
Taking a day off to spend with Jesus :)
11 Jan

anniep94
Left East Hall early because I was "too hungry to dance"... I guess there's a first time for everything :P
10 Jan

anniep94
Day 1 without Facebook... TOTALLY doable :)
10 Jan

My Story Continues...

2011-01-24T18:11:00.000-08:00

I thought I was OK... Sure, there was some dark stuff in my past, but then there was this one miraculously divine night 5 and a half years ago that whiped it all clean. My 180 degree change... A new life, new vision, new heart, new desires, and a brand new fresh chance to start over... So why is it then, that over the last couple of years I could literally see and feel my old lifestyle slowly creeping up on me again? Reading back through my blogs, I see a gradual pattern in the declining frequency of my posts. And the themes, they seem to shift from God, to life, to me... So many heartbreaks, so much pain, so many self realizations and hard lessons, but through it all... Faith, Hope and Love. And an underlying sense of strength and joy. Somehow, I've always managed to stay strong and get back to joy.

But now, I don't feel strong... I feel like I lost my voice... And I'm scared I'll never get it back... I feel paralyzed, unable to dance, unable to speak, unable to effectively and clearly communicate the thoughts, the feelings, the fear and the hope inside of me.

It seems like I've always been dealing with the same stuff, just on different levels, every time going deeper and deeper, and it's been harder and harder, with more pain and more insights each time around. Sure, every situation is different, but the end result has always been the same: me, wide and teary eyed, thinking, "What happened???"

Why's it always circumstantial?
Never any real potential
Obvious and so sequential
It always ends the same
Holding out with all that's in me
Is it worth all this pretending?
A story with an ugly ending is never worth the pain.

So I just kept putting band aids on my gushing wounds, hoping that in time, they will clot and I will be well enough to function again.... A month off here, a week off there, cut out this, stay away from that, do this, don't do that... All the while just treating the surface symptoms and disregarding the deep roots of the issues underneath that stemmed years and decades back...

Through it all, I was blaming people, places, environments and current situations for my problems, when all along, the issue was me, my heart and the unresolved traumas of the past, most of which I was largely not even aware of... Of course, all of the other factors certainly contributed their share... After all, if you throw a bleeding animal in the ocean, the sharks will start circling...

Even though I've never been addicted to drugs, I've experienced the intensity of withdrawals. I've felt the agonizing pain of doing what I didn't want to do, all in an effort to satisfy that longing and that craving for comfort and love that always fell short of the anticipated high and just plunged me deeper into despair, leaving my soul dead and empty inside...

I now understand what Pastor Mark meant when he said that there are only two directions in which we, humans, can look: within ourselves and up to Jesus. When we look within, we get discouraged, defeated and depressed. Taking a long, hard, honest look at myself hasn't been easy. I must admit, I didn't like what I found... Our sin nature is truly hopeless... But when we look up to Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, we have hope, because only He can save us from that which is within us. After discovering and uncovering all my faults, weaknesses and dysfunctions, I had two choices: Wallow in self pity over my long list of failures and shortcomings, or bring it to Jesus, to the foot of the cross, lay it out there in the fullness of all its embarrassment, guilt and shame, and say, "This is me... But I am Yours. You died so I could be healed and set free from all of this. You, who created me, can re-create me. Your blood washes me clean." And then, I must allow the fulness of His love, mercy and amazing redeeming grace to cover it all...

The only thing that gives me hope is knowing that this pain won't last forever. That I've been here before. That I've loved this deeply and felt this intensely before. And that it always passed. That I've gotten over it and moved on. So when will I stop crying and be able to smile and laugh again? I don't see the end in sight, but I know it will come...

Brasil Thus Far... "E Ai?"

2010-11-12T00:46:00.000-08:00

More than a full week in, with only 3 more full days to go, I have so much going through my mind... I love Brasil. I love being here, I love the people, the kids, the churches... I love what we´re doing. And of course, I love the food :) I´ve definitely gained back all the weight I lost for Brasil and then some, but it´s all worth it :P Oh, and the beaches are amazing too :D The sun is hot, the breeze is cool and we are definitely having a GREAT time even as we are working our butts off. I love our team. I love our hosts. We are SO taken care of, it´s ridiculous. Things are different here for sure and it´s been a bit of a culture shock, but here´s what I think I´ve learned about the Brasileiros and their awesome country (or at least the city of Fortaleza :P) so far :

* They have NO concept of time. Five minutes can mean anything from one minute to one hour.
* There are NO traffic rules (because there is no enforcement of traffic rules). People drive SO crazy here, it´s scary, and we´ve already seen a few car crashes. After being driven around for a week already, I still freak out on every ride. I swear I´m gonna be the world´s safest driver when I get back to the U.S.
* Pedestrians do not have the right of way and crosswalks are few and far in between.
* Cars communicate by honking - 1 honk means You go, 2 honks means Get out of the way, cuz I´m going.
* People communicate with sounds - E Ai, Ay, Eh, Ah and Oi are all very common phrases :P
* They love meat - red meat, to be percise, and I´ve been eating WAY too much of it since I got here.
* The drink of choice is coconut water (straight out of the coconut via straw) and Guarana which tastes a little like giner ale, but better :P Their fresh squeezed juices of EVERY variety also can´t be beat!
* Acai bowls are BOMB!!! Mix in honey and I´m pretty sure that´s what heaven tastes like :)
* It really is dangerous here. Girls are discouraged from driving alone at night (it gets dark really early here, around 6pm), bulletproof cars are common, people don´t stop at red lights after dark and we were told to not bring our purses/jewelry to certain places.
* Spanish and Portuguese may look similar, but the prononciation is WAY different.

Fun stuff we´ve done so far:

* Beaches!!! The water is SOOO warm and the cool breeze keeps you from getting too hot :) Oh and the sand is PERFECT :)
* Massages at the beach :) A full body massage with tan protecting lotion... Oh yea...
* Did I already mention AWESOME food at fun local restaurants? ;)
* Playing with the kids :) They love us SO much, it´s amazing... And of course, all of us fell in love with them as well :) I´m gonna miss them a lot, wish I could bring them all home with me :(
* Off-roading on sand dunes and jumping off of sand hills
* Shopping :P
* Hanging out with our hosts
* GOING TO A REAL SOCCER GAME IN SOUTH AMERICA AT A HUGE STADIUM WITH TONS OF PEOPLE GOING CRAZY!!!!!

Work we´ve done so far:

* CONSTRUCTION!!! Digging holes, breaking rocks, mixing cement... We all have blisters :P
* Painting
* Sorting food, clothes, toys and school supplies and making packages for each family/child.
* Organizing books and cleaning
* Playing with the kids
* Walking around the favelas (the slum community we are serving) and talking/praying with people.
* Preaching/sharing God´s word :) I LOOOOVE IT!!!

The Favelas:

I´ve only seen this kind of stuff on TV before. It´s crazy how people can live like that, it´s inhumane. The dirt, the smell, the flies, the poverty, the sickness, the open sewage, the unsanitary conditions... I´ve gotten nauseas more than a few times... And the heat makes it so much worse. It´s so sad and scary what this community is dealing with... Prostitution, drugs, child trafficking... Every little girl I saw, every woman with multiple kids... It made me sick to my stomach just thinking about the very real possibility of them being touched by any or all of it.

The Videira:

This church is literally a ray of hope and light in the favelas. Our team has been spending a lot of time at their "fort" there and we are really enjoying getting to know the people who run it. We´ve participated in all of their services and I absolutely LOOOVE that church and its pastors :)

Randomness:

Our schedule is really tight and our days are really long... Wake up early, work, lunch, evangelize, home to shower (1-2 hours), service and out to eat. By the time we get home around midnight, we are SO tired, we just want to sleep... But it´s SO good :)

None of us have REALLY gotten sick, although all of the girls have felt sick for a short while at some point or another.

We are having fun as a team. Sure, we butt heads and all, but we love each other :)

I want to write more, but I´m SO tired right now I´m about to pass out... And I really want to publish this blog already, so anything else I think of will have to wait for another blog :) Boa noite!!!

Set Me Free

2010-10-02T21:08:00.000-07:00

I wish I could tell you and not say a word
My thoughts fly out to you on silent wings of a bird
My message is simple: I want it to end
I would much rather have you as just a friend

I want to explain, somehow make you see,
But my reasons are even confusing to me...
Tangled up in emotion, guilt ridden with shame,
If you walk away from me, I'll take the blame

I don't want to use you, nor do I want to be used
I know if I reject you, your ego will be bruised
Your nonchalant behavior is driving me insane
You show just enough concern to keep me in the game

You're not free to be with me, I'm just a thrill on the side
It used to be fun and exciting, but now I'm nauseous from the ride
I can't be mad at you, I wanted this too
But now I just want it to be over, I want to be over you

Beyond Measure (Revised)

2010-09-08T15:34:00.000-07:00

"Watch your thoughts, for they become words. Watch your words, for they become actions. Watch your actions, for they become habits. Watch your habits, for they become your character."

Everything starts with a single thought. The moment you allow yourself to entertain the idea of something, an unseen seed is planted in your mind that starts sprouting its way down to your heart where it produces visible fruit. And it can be both good and bad. The good is obvious, so let's talk about the bad :P You get this crazy idea that you can't even bring yourself to say out loud. You know you can't do it, shouldn't do it, that it's so bad, so wrong, so... not you. And yet it starts... "It's OK, I can think about it... I'll never say it, or do it, but just thinking about is OK.... So just let me indulge myself for a short while, 'cuz it feels so good..." And so you start thinking about it... Meditating on it... Getting comfortable with it... These thoughts don't just "cross" your mind... They straight up make camp there. And eventually those thoughts win you over to the point where you're OK speaking them out loud. And as you speak it, you not only begin to rationalize doing it, you actually make a resolution to do it... One day anyway, and just once... And then, never again. And then that one day comes... Again, and again and again... Until the point it becomes not just something that you do, but who you are...

"Love is giving someone the power to hurt you and trusting them not to."

It's not the feeling of hate towards someone that means that a relationship is truly over. Love and hate are two sides of the same coin, often interchangeable really, as "love-hate" often comes out of anger, frustration and annoyance with someone you love. What really signifies "the end" is fear. Fear is the opposite of faith, or trust... Faith in the future of a relationship/friendship and trust that the other person is just as invested in it as you are. There's nothing sadder than when a face you used to love and adore becomes ugly and repulsive to you because of how much the person behind it has hurt you. When instead of your heart skipping a beat with joy and excitement at seeing him/her, it recoils with cold and paralyzing fear at the thought of suffering any more pain at the hand of that person. When the only desire that's left is not for comfort, reconciliation, answers or closure, but to never have to deal with that individual ever again. It's hard to bounce back from that kind of damage, as fear drives a wedge between people that's deeper than hate or even indifference.

"The chains of yesterday surround me, I yearn for peace and rest, don't want to end up where You found me."

Don't look back, those who look back want to go back... We either remember only the good or only the bad... And in reality, it was never THAT good (or THAT bad) for it to be worth going back to. Imagine a child crying from the pain of getting a vaccination shot. Now, on the way home, her mind keeps going back to that moment, and she starts crying again. The physical pain itself is long gone and she is miles away from the doctor's office, safe in her parent's car, but emotionally, she keeps going back and reliving the fear and pain of getting that shot when it's really over and she should just forget about it and move on... So don't do it. Don't live in yesterday's pain. Don't keep going back to it in your mind and refreshing the emotions of the past. Yesterday ended last night, today is a brand new day, and nothing has to ever be the same.

Sad, But True...

This blows my mind:

When you're hurt by someone, they are the ones you want to be comforted by... For them to "un-break" your heart... No matter how many people you're loved by and adored, no matter how many times you're told that you're beautiful, desired, amazing, wonderful, and pretty much the best thing in the world, it means nothing to you and you don't believe it as long as "they" don't think so... WHY?!?!

Women don't mind being manipulated, but they hate being taken for granted. "Fine, I'll do what you want, but you better appreciate it!" It's funny though how men never appreciate something that comes easy to them...

The power in a relationship lies with whoever cares less. However, power is not happiness. Happiness is loving extravagantly without expecting anything in return. The happier person cares more :)

Knowing the difference between what was, what is and dealing with not knowing what will be... What was once real, but no longer is, what was never real and how pretending that something will one day be real won't make it so.

Don't harbor false hope. I've learned to have hope not in the event of something happening, but only in God's ability to make it happen.

"To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you." ~Lewis B. Smedes

So when does the pain and the fear go away? I surprisingly found out the answer just days after publishing this post: When you forgive yourself and the person who has hurt you. And while you're at it, ask them for forgiveness as well! As hard as the second task may seem, the first one can be much harder, especially if you're an idealist like myself. Guilt, shame, condemnation and thoughts of "How could I have been so stupid???" are not easily shaken off and the desire to punish yourself is overwhelming, even when you're not being punished by anyone else. Acknowledging the fact that you're only human helps, as nothing is as grounding and humbling as a major f*** up that leaves you looking like a fool and feeling like s***.

Ultimately, forgiveness is giving up your right to be upset, angry, hurt and resentful towards the offending party. While you may have every right to feel these things and even consider yourself entitled to feel them, the longer you hold on to them, the longer you deny yourself the freedom that comes with letting go and relinquishing your hold on self-righteous anger.

Forgiving is love's toughest work, and love's biggest risk. If you twist it into something it was never meant to be, it can make you a doormat or an insufferable manipulator. Forgiving seems almost unnatural. Our sense of fairness tells us people should pay for the wrong they do. But forgiving is love's power to break nature's rule. ~Lewis B. Smedes

Summer School

2010-07-27T14:03:00.000-07:00

***Disclaimer - Please take this post with a sense of humor and a grain of salt :) It's not meant to be negative, cynical or bitter. You know that's not me ;) Sure, there's a little bit of truth in every joke, but believe it or not, this IS meant to be funny :) I figure I've cried about it enough, so might as well laugh now... While most of the examples do come from my own personal adventures, other things I've observed and witnessed in my friends' situations and have not experienced first hand. This is a highly personal post, but I'm OK with being open, real, vulnerable and transparent with my life. I'm human... I'm susceptible to feelings, deception and mistakes. And I know that I'm not alone in going through this stuff... So if my stories can touch someone's heart, it's well worth it to "expose" my experiences :)***

Recently, it has dawned on me that this is the 3rd summer in a row that I'm spending crying over a heartbreak :( It's like there's a seriously distributing pattern that has emerged in my life over the last 3 years: What starts out as a sweet, innocent spring romance, full of excitement, joy and fun, ends up getting scorched by the heat of summer and withering away in the sun... So for the last 3 summers I've been forced into "summer school" of broken hearts, trying to learn from my experience only to have a similar (but different) situation reoccur exactly a year later. Major FAIL... Well, I'm determined for this to be the end of it. After 3 strikes, I'm out! No more summer drama! God help the guy who tries to sweep my off of my feet next spring (because until then I don't want anything to do with boys except dance salsa :P)! And just to prove that I HAVE, in fact, learned something from the soggy summers of A, B and C, I'm going to write out all the hard lessons of life and love that have been (or should be) etched in my brain AND on my heart (which apparently had a mind of its own).

*When he tells you how much he likes you, ask him why. If it's based on attraction, appearance or how you make him feel, it won't last... What if one day you no longer make him laugh or he no longer finds you fun to be around? That's right, he'll drop you so fast it'll make your head spin and replace you with someone who does. As one of my friends put it, guys always think "Bigger, Better, Next!"

*As beautiful as he tells you your eyes are now, he'll grow immune to them eventually and no amount of eye make up will reverse that.

*No matter how much he may tell you that he loves your smile and making you laugh, he'll soon be doing his best (unintentionally, of course) to permanently make your smile vanish without a trace and have you filing a "Missing Laugh" report.

*Don't believe when he tells you how special you are... Because if you do, you'll only make yourself the "short bus" kind of special... Consider yourself the "flavor of the night/week/month/season" special instead, that's all.

*What he liked about you before, he'll hate about you later... The "Oooo, you're different..." fascination will quickly turn into "Ewww, you're different..." resentment.

*You WILL be replaced... And it may only be a matter of minutes/hours/days... Try not to take it personally... After all, he now needs someONE (because someTHING just wouldn't be as exciting) else to occupy his time and thoughts...

*Everything he did to win you over in the beginning you'll see him doing to "the new girl"... Commenting on FB statuses and pictures, flirting, touching, hugging, calling/texting/chatting, hanging out, dancing, kissing, etc. Which again proves that you weren't that special...

*"Letting Go" does not mean trying to maintain a friendship... So let go of him, his life, his stuff, his FB page and hardest of all, his friends and family... Forget the fact that you totally bonded... Sucks, I know...

On a more serious note, I learned some other stuff too...

*I learned my strengths and weaknesses... That my greatest strength is, in fact, my biggest weakness...

*I learned that I'm loyal to a fault... So committed to the people in my life that I will not let go, walk away or move on because I'll be so darn dedicated and faithful to making even a bad friendship/relationship work. I'll go down with the ship rather than get off it. Fortunately enough, God has, in His great mercy, always managed to remove me from the sinking ships before they truly went down.

*I learned to take my time and process my thoughts and emotions before communicating them to the other person. I finally learned to think before I speak!!! :)

*I learned to forgive and let go of offenses... To be quick to listen, slow to speak and always think the best no matter how the situation appears. OK, fine, so I'm still trying to learn that last part :P

*I learned to run to God right away with everything because He understands and doesn't judge, get mad or punish me. I've learned to be open and honest with Him in my pain, disappointment and despair... I've learned to trust Him...

*I learned to not have any expectations of people or even of myself... I now know that I'm capable of anything... Really.

*I learned that I can't help anyone who doesn't want to be helped. I can't be anyone's "Savior"... I'm not responsible for other people's life choices and daily decisions. I can't let them affect me or take them personally.

*I learned that bad company really does corrupt good morals...

*I learned to be more open minded, accepting and unconventional... I've learned to "think outside the box" :)

*I learned that people can't really change for people... They need to be changed by God.

Will I get involved with the "wrong" person and get my heart broken again? Honestly, I hope not... All I know is that I have a choice not only in all I do and how I respond, but also in how I choose to feel... So from this day forward... ;)

Are You a FireWORK or a FirePLACE?

2010-07-03T21:35:00.000-07:00

If you really think about it, the most important quality of God is not His love, forgiveness, grace, mercy, comfort, power or anything else that He does or is... It's His Faithfulness... The fact that He doesn't just love, forgive, provide and heal every once in a while (when He feels like it or is in a good mood), but that He can always be counted on and trusted to do so steadily and consistently. He doesn't (and won't) stop.

So if we as His children are created in His image, then we too should be faithful in all we are and all we do towards ourselves, God, and the people in our lives. Face it, no man is an island, we were all created to be in different relationships throughout our lives and we all have a need to feel loved, accepted and validated in those relationships... Which got me thinking... In terms of "faithfulness", how committed we are in those relationships determines not only their success, but also our character.

Some relationships (friendships) are like fireworks... They are thrilling and exciting, beautiful, loud, put on a great entertaining show, stun your senses and are overall enjoyable. You light a fuse and off they go. The problem is, they last only a short while and once they are done, all that's left is ashes and smoke of what was...

Other relationships are more like a fireplace... Warm, inviting, cozy, and comforting, they require some work such as adding wood to the fire to keep it consistent, but the point is, it lasts!!! It's not the BIG BANG and BOOM, it's over, kind of a relationship, but a slow and steady one that gives off heat as well as light and welcomes someone to come in, stay awhile and share their whole life with you, not just the short lived, exciting parts.

Being faithful in life means having very little room for selfish behavior (which is fickle and ever changing, depending on mood and circumstances), persevering in hard times and simply not giving up on yourself, God, and other people... Seriously, I think it's by far the most important quality a person can have because it makes them "safe", trustworthy, reliable and secure to be around. Success may not always equal being faithful, but being faithful ensures success :)

A Night To Remember...

2010-07-02T15:36:00.000-07:00

As much as I pride myself on my excellent memory, after dancing so much for so long, I only remember dance nights that have very special significance (and emotional attachment :P) and last night was a night that will most definitely go down in history as being one of the the most exciting, exhilarating, satisfying, crazy, surprising, sizzling, smoking HOTTT, "ON" nights I've had so far!!! And I MUST give ALL the credit to my wonderful Jesus because after the horrible day I had leading up to it, everything that went on and off the dance floor following my tearful prayer to Him, was nothing short of a miracle ;). He really is A-mazing and has arranged and worked out all things to work out that night in my favor (including the fact that I didn't have to work this morning after being out all night!) and I'm SO touched and grateful :)!

Anyway, it was just one of those nights where I was the first and the last person on the dance floor :) From the very first song (thanks, Alison!!!) to the very last, I pretty much danced every single song (with the exception of a couple of water and bathroom breaks during the Cha-Cha's) even as my feet threatened to give out on me by the end of the night and hurt so bad that every step was an "Ouch" in my head, it still felt so GOOD!!! But it wasn't even just the nonstop dancing that made for an incredible night, it was the complete and total package of atmosphere, music, me looking and feeling like a million bucks (I've GOT to wear that top out more often!!!) and just being sought after and complimented by the most awesome leads on my dancing that was just ON FIRE :P!!! It was being surrounded by my friends who love, support and care about me and feeling "safe"... :)

The surprises kept on coming even after the music stopped as well :) A heartfelt hug and hopeful words from someone I've been seeking reconciliation with, hanging out and connecting with a new friend, a late night snack and a deep, yet fun conversation with old friends... And then a pouring out of the heart and getting some good advice from someone wise :) I just felt so completely "taken care of" the whole night... It was almost unreal... I was on a "high" and it was euphoric, but in a good, healthy and a divine way ;) hehe...

So yea... It was a great dance night... A HUGE and a very heartfelt "Thank You" to all who were there and contributed :) I love you guys, I really do... :) ;) :P

The Response

2010-06-28T16:54:00.000-07:00

I caved :) It took a while (much too long), but I was finally driven to my knees (because I realized I had nowhere else to go) in repentance. This weekend has been the tipping point. The final realization that this was a dead end, the rock bottom, the straw that broke the camel's back.

On Sunday, I went to my church in the AM, but bolted out of there as soon as the pastor said "Amen" :( I hate doing that, because I know that when I can't stick around to chat with my friends and hug my pastors, something is seriously wrong. And my pastors know that. They can read my guilty eyes from a mile away... My life is an open book to them even when I don't say a word. I swear God tells them stuff! I love my church, without a doubt, it's my family, but I must admit that sometimes I go there because I feel like I "have to". To make an appearance, to pick up the mail, to host, to teach, to serve...

That's why every once in a while, I like to sneak away to MH (Mars Hill Church) in the PM... Because if I go there, it's because I either really "want to" or "need to" and I'm doing it for myself... It's also nice to go somewhere where you don't run into everyone you know and you don't have to give hugs and lie when people ask you how you're doing. Because I can't lie... Even though I do know a lot of people who go to MH, it's very rare that I actually run into any of them since there are so many different services and campuses and the place is just BIG. So yea, it's nice to just go and sit and absorb, and not feel like I have to take notes (even though sometimes I do because I want to). It's also nice to be able to have communion (they have it every Sunday) because I do believe that there's SO much power in it... And it's also nice to talk to a pastor who doesn't know you and the fact that this is like the 10th time you're having this issue so you don't feel like a total idiot... I adore my pastors, but sometimes I just really hate bothering them with the same problem... It's like GROW UP, ANNA!!! And I know they'll never say that, or make me feel bad because I know they love me, but confessing the same thing over and over again, just makes me feel dumb...

Anyway, somewhere between my church and MH, "it" happened... The dam broke, the floodgates opened, my heart finally melted and surrendered and I said the words I've been holding out on for so long... "I'm sorry. I repent. Please forgive me."

Going to MH sealed the deal... The message was perfect... The worship was custom, the prayer was dead on... I'm still amazed at how God takes care of everything... I was teary eyed and sniffly the whole time, and I know He held me throughout the entire service... We had a heart to heart moment when I asked Him if He enjoys having me around and He said yes, because I'm His precious daughter :) At the end of the service I went upfront to talk to a pastor, get prayer and "cleanse my soul"... There's something about verbalizing and putting feelings and actions into words that's powerful...

So yea... That's it... It's done :) This morning I got a little miracle helping make things easier (because doing the right thing is never easy), and I'm really grateful for it :) Pray for me to be strong, and brave and courageous... I have a feeling I'm gonna need it... BUT... I can do ALL things through Christ, who strengthens me :)!!!

Getting Off The Crack...

2010-06-24T14:29:00.000-07:00

In the last couple of days I've come to a pretty scary conclusion - Sin is like Crack (the drug, that is).

Sin - Doing what you know you shouldn't/Not doing what you know you should. Hence you're sinning against yourself (and the God who created you :P). More often than not, your sin affects not only yourself, but those around you as well... Especially those who care about you.

Crack - a highly addictive and powerful stimulant. It is abused because it produces an immediate high and because it is easy and inexpensive to produce. The pleasant effects of crack wear off quickly, causing users to feel 'down' or depressed, more than before taking the drug. Can be used as a pain reliever.

Sin, like Crack, is highly addictive. You need to "up the dosage" every time you "use" to get the same "high". And the withdrawals suck. Often, it's the "easy" way out, a sure way to release the stress, the pain, the anxiety, and to feel good for a little while... And I'm not gonna lie, while you're doing it, it does feel good. But once it's over, the guilt, the shame and the condemnation set in and you're miserable!

And so I got hooked on some "crack"... And didn't even realize it until I started getting the withdrawals and the side effects... And it was horrible... And yet, I couldn't just give it up, I couldn't quit, couldn't let go, it was too hard, the "high" felt too good... And so I prayed... Prayed in my guilt and in my shame, asking God to help me, still looking for a way I could keep the "high" without all the side effects... And then I heard Him. His response was a gentle, yet forceful slap that was meant to shake me sober: "You want me to comfort you in your sin, but I'm waiting to comfort you in your repentance." Ouch...

The Heart of a Father

2010-06-23T15:23:00.000-07:00

In my walk with God, I think my favorite part, by far, is knowing that He is not just my God, but my Father. My Dad... And I think that's what defines the dynamics of our relationship. Having Him in that role, knowing that that's how He sees me and that's how He loves me - as His child.

My "real" dad is not completely horrible, but let's just say he wasn't the best example of a loving, caring father while I was growing up, especially during my adolescence when I needed him the most. In fact, if I really wanted to, I could easily blame all of my "issues" on him and be right according to a lot of psychologists, philosophers and theologists. Fathers play a crucial part in a child's life... I may even go as far as to say that the father's role is much more important than the mother's. Mothers may give life, but Fathers give identity...

Thank God my earthly father isn't the only example of a father figure in my life, or else I'd really be messed up! Somehow, God has always taken care to surround me with father figures who were, in fact, great examples of how a father should love his child(ren). In the past, a friend or a boyfriend's family have always "adopted" me. My pastor is definitely my spiritual father, but recently it's been the fathers of the kids I nanny who have impacted me the most. They are so amazing, I've come to see both of them as prototypes of the type of man I want to have children with one day.

No matter how awesome a father is though, his children will still make mistakes, mess up, disappoint and do the wrong thing. At least every once in a while... So what does a father do? How does he respond? Does he get mad and punish? Does he shut down and turn cold towards the child, ignoring and avoiding all interaction? Does he turn mean and abusive? Or does he love the child through it in patience, grace and kindness?

I've been rebelling against my heavenly Father for several weeks now... My own shame and guilt have caused me to avoid Him and cringe at the thought of punishment. And I know that that broke His heart more than my rebellion. He can deal with my sin. In fact, through Jesus' work on the cross, He already has. My wrongdoings don't hurt Him. Me questioning His love for me, does. Last week, I got to witness a tender interaction between a 3 year old boy I nanny and his dad. The child was being fussy, and the father's gentleness with him just amazed me... It was like God Himself was speaking to me and saying, "I know you're being fussy right now and are not ready to deal with what you have to do, but it's OK I'm still here and I still love you and I will wait for you." Wow...

Our God is the God who created everything. He can do anything and everything. His strength and power cannot be fully grasped by our finite human minds, and yet, His love for us is just as strong and just as powerful as His almighty strength. His heart is all encompassing... The heart of a Father... And I'm so grateful for the love that flows out of that heart :)

We Talked :)

2010-06-08T11:08:00.000-07:00

He knows me so well... And He speaks to me in ways He knows I'll understand... Through music :) It's amazing what one can hear once you're actually ready to hear it... The songs I've been listening to for years, and haven't heard in years, the songs that I haven't really thought that much of before... Hearing them now, it's loud and clear... God speaking directly to my heart... Into my situation... Giving me the words I can't quite find on my own...

Jaci Velasquez
Album: Heavenly Place
Flower In The Rain

You are the one, there's no one else
Who lifts me up and gives me water from the well.
But there's a hole that seems to drain it all away.
And once again I'm left in fear and doubt
When all my strength is crying out.

So, here I am again
Willing to be opened up and broken like a flower in the rain.
Tell me what have I to do to die and then be raised,
To reach beyond the pain like a flower in the rain?

The evil wind, it blows a storm to rock my world
Just when think I'm safe and warm.
I'm led astray far too easily.
It's always hard for me to see I'm wrong,
Until I know I can't go on.

Lord, You have searched me and know
When I sleep and when I rise.
You're familiar with all my ways.
Even the darkness will shine
Like the day when You look into my heart.

Jaci Velasquez
Album: Heavenly Place
Shelter

How the mind can wander, how the heart can stray.
Suddenly you're on the edge of darkness.
How it makes me ponder, how I'm led away
Down a path that leaves me worn and tarnished.
Battling with the will within,
I have known all along that I should lean on You.
'Cause I'm never strong enough to fight it on my own.

Shelter me, the ways of the world are at my feet.
Shelter me from the desires that deceive.
You are the fortress I need, shelter me.

Well, how the mind can alter, how the heart can change,
When you set your sights on holiness.
And though at times you falter, it's the only way
You can find a place of peace to rest.
Safe from danger surrounding me,
Safe from looming defeat
When temptation is at my door,
Lord, I need a harbor, be my soul's retreat.

You will never leave me stranded, fending for myself.
When the enemy advances, You are there to help,
Standing in the gap for me whenever I grow weak.
You are my deliverer, the refuge that I seek.

A Higher High...

2010-03-11T10:11:00.000-08:00

Things that get me "high":

-Being asked to dance by a "really good lead" for the first time (and every time after that :P)
-Executing perfect spins and turns (and managing to incorporate some hot styling move on top of it!)
-Being able to follow a complicated dance pattern and get complimented on it in the end :P
-Hearing someone say that they love dancing with me :)
-Rockin' out to some really good music!
-Hearing my favorite song when I least expect it :)
-Shopping!!!
-Getting genuine compliments
-Phone calls from good friends "just to catch up" :)
-Texts, calls, emails and fb notifications from a current crush ;)
-Knowing that I made a difference... (That I was just used by God :D)

This (incomplete) list barely scratches the surface of the things that make me feel good... Things that give me that lightheaded feeling of endorphins running through my body... Pure bliss...There's only one problem... They don't satisfy... No matter how much I get, I always want more. It's like drinking a warm sugary drink on a hot day when you're really thirsty... It doesn't quench your thirst... No matter how good it may taste, it's not what you "need". It's like a drug... A momentary hit of pleasure that passes way too soon and leaves you with that empty longing feeling for more... It's short term happiness that needs to be re-filled over and over in order to last.

As "high" as the things above get me, there is a higher "high" that doesn't result in a "crash" :P It's what satisfies like nothing else and leaves you better than you were found... It's the presence of God... It's knowing that you're standing/sitting/laying/kneeling before your creator and feeling so loved, so complete, so whole, so full... And feeling so much love for this incredible being that you think your heart just might burst from the overflow of all this passion... It's what Jesus was talking about when He said that whoever drinks of His water shall never thirst again because that water will become a spring of life from within... Skillet says it best in their song "You're better than drugs". It's really that good... It's your spirit connecting with His spirit in worship and you getting so lost in that moment that nothing else matters... It's forgetting about yourself and literally giving your all to this incredible person of Jesus Christ... The one who loves you like no one else, even with all your failures, shortcomings, issues, scars and flaws... And it's the feeling of knowing that you are in fact THAT loved, THAT forgiven, accepted, adored, cherished and taken care of that makes you fall even deeper in love with Him... And it's that LOVE that manifests itself in worship and gives you the highest high there is... A high of fulfilling your created purpose - being in a relationship with your creator.

To Know is to Trust

2010-01-15T11:26:00.000-08:00

A dear friend of mine recently shared how God told her that to know Him is to trust Him. In terms of that (a relationship with God), the statement totally made sense, but there was something else about it that caught my attention. Of course I trust God because I know Him! I know how good, awesome and faithful He is. I've experienced it! He's so personal to me... I know He loves me and I trust in His love for me... I know He only wants the best for my life.

Hearing my friend say those words ("to know is to trust") that night, brought me back to something another person told me just a few days prior. Someone whom I've considered a close friend told me that they didn't trust me. Processing those words stung quite bitterly as a flood of thoughts rushed from my heart towards my brain. "What do you mean you don't trust me?! After everything you've already shared with me? After all the times I've been there for you? Don't you know how much I love you? Don't you know how much I care about our friendship? Don't you know that I only want the best for you? Don't you KNOW me?!" And then it all made sense... Even though I could have sworn she knew, maybe she didn't. And maybe the issue wasn't me... Maybe it was her.

What makes us trust a person? And does trust come slowly and go quickly? For me, I find that it's the opposite... Once I feel like I know someone cares about me, I trust them quickly, and stop trusting them slowly. Looking back now at the different friendships in my life, including that particular one, I'm beginning to evaluate which one of my friends I really know and trust, and which ones know and/or trust me. It's easy to tell who is holding back on you :P So then can you still trust those who you know don't trust you? Does one friend have to take a risky leap and trust first in order to encourage the other to do the same? What exactly does one need to prove in order to be trusted? And how do you prove it?

Friendship, just like love, has to be mutual in order to be affective. Or does it??? How much power does it actually have versus the amount of power we give it?

I don't think I have these answers... I'm still kinda learning... I want to be a good friend (whatever that means) and be trusted. I also want to be able to trust others. And I think I do... Perhaps more recklessly than I should, but I rather love than not, rather know than be ignorant, rather reachout than hold back, and rather trust than be paranoid... And I'm ok with having my heart be prodded and poked in the process, because that's what keeps it soft... And I want to have a soft heart. Alongside a strong, hard and wise backbone of course :)

2009 Review

2009-12-29T11:22:00.000-08:00

Looking back at 2009, I can honestly say that it's been a good year :) If I had to theme it, I would say it was a year of clarity... Here are some highlights (in no particular order of time or importance):

*Perfecting the art/gift of networking, socializing, and friendship/relationship building :P

*Learning to let go and having it hurt less and less... Or maybe just learning to hold things more loosely...

*The start up of Beautiful Feet and the Seattle Salseras Sisterhood

*Eurotrip to visit Ulu in London and my 24 hour Paris adventure ;)

*Making peace with salsa and understanding my place/purpose of being there

*Getting my pastors' blessing for BF and dancing

*The 40 day fast... Learning about self control, grace, forgiveness and love :)

*My snowboarding injury and speedy recovery :) As well as my 2nd degree burn and a SUPERNATURAL speedy recovery :) - NOTHING can keep me off the dance floor ;)

*Finally taking dance classes: tango (didn't last long) and salsa (I'm gettin' GOOD...)

*Placing 3rd in my first salsa competition :) and going to my first salsa congress!!!

*Friends... New ones, old ones... Real ones :)

*My Hawaii vacation!

*Getting my TEFL certification!!!

*Preaching at a girls' encounter retreat

*A new car!

*My friend Justin's passing... I've never had someone close to me die before and this has completely blindsided me... I'm sorry to all who've had to put up with me during these last 2 weeks :(

Most importantly, this past year has made me realize that I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be, doing exactly what I'm supposed to be doing. It has brought unquestionable and undeniable clarity to the call God has placed on my life as well as the gifts and talents He has given me to fulfill it... His protection over me is incredible... Sometimes I feel like I'm literally in a bubble of His grace... He's got me :)

A New Year's resolution? Just one... Never go to bed upset at anyone/anything. I want to resolve all conflict before the day's end... Even if it is at 3am :P Inspired by Ephesians 4:26 - "Be angry without sinning. Don't go to bed angry."

Goals for 2010? Well... I think I'm just gonna keep doing what I'm already doing... Dancing, church, friends, BF, SSS... I'm excited for progress, growth and development in each of these areas :) I want to see LOTS of fruit! 2010 will also be my year of salsa congresses ;) hehe

Mourning a friend...

2009-12-15T09:56:00.001-08:00

Justin Key was the reason I could say "Yes!" whenever people would ask me if I actually knew anyone who was a great salsa dancer AND an amazing Christian leader. With ridiculously good looks, a huge heart, an intellectual mind, and a witty sense of humor, he was my wild card, the "perfect guy"... The "complete package"... Everything any girl could want... Oh, and did I mention that he was also a great friend?

When Surekha called me yesterday with the news of his sudden death, I flat out didn't believe her. Justin? No way, he was just here for Thanksgiving and I was supposed to go see the Nutcracker with him and his family, but I didn't... We talked on the phone and decided it was no big deal because we'll see each other over Christmas break when we'd have more time to hang out and go salsa dancing together.

Justin was the second person I met when I started dancing 3 years ago. Mike was the first, and he is the one who brought me to Century and introduced me to Justin. From then on, Justin literally watched me go from a "horrible beginner" to a "blossoming intermediate". The next time we danced, I was planning on impressing him with an "amateur advanced"... I remember texting him and begging him to come to HaLo with me on Mondays to practice... He took classes and I didn't, so I thought that by dancing with him, I would be learning the same thing he was... He assured me it wasn't the same...

I remember him paying my cover at Century when I couldn't... I remember meeting at Triple Door with our "crew"... I remember the hugs, the affection, the stories, the jokes... Haha, I remember our accidental "kiss" on the dance floor! I remember getting frustrated because I couldn't follow him, and elated when we would have smooth, flawlessly flowing dances that would leave me thinking I was finally "good"...

I remember texting him and making him promise me he would stay at Century until I got there (he liked to leave early, by 10:30pm - gosh, he was so responsible...). I remember running into him on the stairs, him having his coat on and being all ready to go, and me making him take it off so that we could have a dance before he left... I remember being invited to all his parties... and only making it to his birthday one... I remember being the only friend who could make it to one of his Toastmasters events and how happy he was to see me...

The last time I saw him, we went on a hike, got a pizza and watched Iron Man at his parent's house (they weren't there). He made me try whiskey. I spat it out. He was just getting ready to embark on his South American adventure and then grad school... I was starting to pack for Hawaii... We talked about our visions and plans, life and what we want out of it... We talked about church, God, and how much we love Him... We discussed C.S. Lewis' Till We Have Faces because both of us have borrowed it from Tembi... I remember thinking, Wow, this guy is going to make a great husband and an amazing father one day... Deep down (like many others, I'm sure) I was even entertaining the thought of being the lucky girl...

I didn't make it to his going away party... We texted, facebooked, and google chatted occasionally. When he randomly called me a month before Thanksgiving to ask me to be his "date" for The Nutcracker, I was excited over the opportunity to reconnect... When the time arrived however, we mutually decided to postpone it 'till Christmas... And now it was been postponed 'till heaven...

Yes, I'm sad, and yes, I've cried. I'm sad for his family and I'm sad for his friends, myself included... I will miss him... I regret taking him for granted, thinking that he'd always be there, that we'd have more time, more dances, more hugs, more conversations, that I would see him again...

And I know I will see him again... I know Justin was a solid man of God who loved Jesus and lived for Him... I know Justin is in heaven right now, and I know him and I will salsa dance there when we meet again :) Meanwhile, I will miss him...

Life is fragile... Life is temporary... Our time here is fleeting... I'm grateful that Justin and I, as well as a lot of our friends, know Jesus... Because of Him, we can have peace, comfort, strength and even joy during this time... I know Justin is rejoicing in heaven right now, and I am happy for him...

Meanwhile, I'm still here... Loving each person God placed in my life. Loving them recklessly and with abandon. Not taking anyone for granted... Wearing my heart on my sleeve, being vulnerable and making sure they know I love them...

Following Before Styling

2009-12-03T11:30:00.000-08:00

Following: Doing what you're directed to do. Styling: Doing your own thing. Following: it takes 2. Styling: a solo act.

When I first started salsa dancing, I had no idea what "styling" was. I was too busy and focused on trying to follow my partner that the idea of doing some extra moves on the side didn't even occur to me. Fast forward a couple of years, and thanks to a few of Becka's workshops, I was beginning to incorporate some hand, foot and head work into my dance. As I got more and more comfortable, I started picking up more and more styling techniques from my other favorite follows, such as Julia and Juliet, as well. Naturally, I thought this made me a good dancer. So imagine my shock and surprise when after my first dance with one of the Seattle salsa "legends", I was told (by him) that I styled too much and needed to follow more. WHAT?! Are you kidding me?! You want me to go back to just following? Go back to "the basics"? Yes. Because apparently that's what makes a great dancer.

What does a lead want from a follow? I can't say I know it all, but I do know that responsiveness and cooperation are definitely on the list. Having your hand there when he needs it for the next move, moving your arm out of the way so he can bring you in, keeping your elbows in so you don't hit him, shoulders down so he can spin you, etc. It's the whole "working together" thing that makes the dance work (and make you look good!). Sometimes it takes a little sacrifice on the follow's part to show off a little less and cooperate a little more. However, there is a time to shine and style and make yourself look good :) When your partner's hands are off of you :P Ok, so not only then, but when the time is right, when your lead "allows" you to do so...

Who do we style for anyway? Is it for ourselves, to make us feel good about our dancing? Just knowing that we can do it... Or for our partner, so that he'd realize how hot of a dancer you are? What if he's too focused on himself to even notice? Or is it for the crowd, to put on a show and get asked for more dances by the "good" leads who are watching? Sometimes just the pressure of being watched is enough to make us do stuff we wouldn't normally do... I suppose it's a combination of the 3...

So how does that translate into our walk/dance with God? Should we be "following" more than we are "styling"? In a true partnership, it takes 2 people working together towards a common goal. So when He "leads" us to do something, how often do we say, "Ok, Lord, yea, I'll do that, but then I'm just gonna this and this here for myself as well, while I'm at it." And sometimes it's ok... He didn't create us to be robots, for crying out loud! But other times, when we get too self absorbed in doing our own thing for ourselves, we may miss seeing His hand trying to lead us into the next move He has for us... Sometimes our "styling" can not only cause us to miss His hand, but also to get in the way of Him trying to bring us in closer, and in other ways, cause more harm than good.

So then how do you know when it's ok to style and when it's not? Well, by principle alone, be a follow first. Always be aware of where your lead's hands are and what he's doing. If he wants your hand, give it to him! If not, feel free to style away... In choreographed routines, styling is already worked into the dance... But our life, and social dancing, are not choreographed, so we just have to be extra sensitive to the promptings of the lead... So remember girls (and boys), follow first and style on your own time ;-P!

Leading by Following

2009-12-02T12:15:00.000-08:00

While editing a friend's grad school essay, I came upon what I thought was a profound statement:

"On the hardwood moving to music, the feel of a natural connection is distinct, immediate, and unforgettable. It is a palpable attraction, but not of love, lust, or social rapport. It is a natural ease in communication between a follow and lead’s (in social dance men are generally called leads and women follows) bodies to music.

Dancing salsa for nearly nine years, my lead style is highly personal and rhythmically unusual. Follows with whom I share a natural connection are a scant few. The rest of a given nights’ dances require patience, sensitivity to a follow’s specific pattern and rhythm of movement, adjustment to hand and body pressure, and an alteration of my own preferred style. Great leads follow nearly as much as great follows lead. The goal is communication, never coercion."

Immediately, it brought me back to another profound statement I heard in this amazing message: "Grace (Jesus) leads by following." In the great picture of a shepherd leading his flock, what you cannot always tell, is that the shepherd leads the sheep by following them... Walking behind them, not in front of them, so that he can see when they go astray, get into trouble and get hurt. He's behind them so he can follow them into all the pits and ditches that they manage to get themselves into, follow them down the wrong turns, paths, and roads so he can rescue them and direct them where he wants them to go with his voice, staff and rod. All from behind...

God's grace is amazing... And Jesus being the personification of that grace is not just some "light at the end of the tunnel" that we're supposed to follow. He follows us... His love follows us when we get diverted, distracted, tired, stubborn, disobedient and hurt... He follows us when we can't follow Him... When we make the wrong choice, go down the wrong road, and end up in the wrong ditch. He follows us, sees us, protects us, rescues us, and leads us by directing us back onto the "right" path with His voice and His hands. That's grace... It's not about judgement or force... It's about understanding and adjustment. God's Word doesn't adjust, but His methods in dealing with us do... It's not about lowering the bar... It's about working with us until we can reach it, about lifting us up until we reach it...It's about saying, "I know you're not there yet, but it's ok, 'cuz I'm not leaving you until you are. I'm gonna stick with you and help you until you are."

As I look at my life, I see many moments in my walk/dance with God when I was being a less than perfect "follow". What I value and appreciate so much now, is that He didn't just keep "leading" when He knew I wasn't able to follow... He stuck close to me and followed me...

Which is another reason why I can't wait to dance salsa with Jesus in heaven :P Because He IS the PERFECT lead :D!

The "Dark" Side

2009-11-30T23:27:00.000-08:00

I love music. I love dancing. I love salsa. There's little (besides Jesus) that can make me as exhilarated as being able to flawlessly follow someone who is a "great lead". The steps, the turns, the spins, the tricks, the styling, the shines, the footwork, and of course my favorite, the dips, make salsa dancing not only a fantastic workout, but also a thrilling passion that I'm planning to enjoy my whole life :) For the first couple of years I've tended to brush off salsa as "just a hobby", but in this past year, I've really come to love and appreciate it as much more than that... All the wonderful friendships I've made there have really transformed "the scene" into a community that has been teaching me concepts beyond the basic steps and techniques of dancing. What started out as a selfish enjoyment has outgrown the box I tried to put it in and developed a life of its own :P.

All that being said, I've progressed a lot in salsa in the last few months! Got 3 more pairs of shoes, started taking lessons, placed 3rd in my first competition and finally made it to my first congress! The Seattle Salsa Congress was absolutely awesome... Not only was it the best workout of my life, but I seriously think it was the best I've ever danced. Yet ;) So yea, I had a great time dancing 'till 4 am with the hottest superstars, both visiting and local, and am now officially hooked :P I must say it was a pretty sweet experience...

Bittersweet actually. The bitterness came from seeing a dark side of salsa that I knew existed before, but was never so harshly exposed until this weekend. And all the events leading up to it... I know I've already written about how some guys pick up girls at salsa and about how some girls pick up guys at salsa, so I won't go there again. Where I will go though, is how the last 2 months or so (last weekend being the grand finale) have brought me back to my days of being a young (and stupid) club hopping college student. As embarrassed as I am to admit it, those were the days of me "pre-gaming" in my friends' dorm rooms, going down to the club where the bouncer, bartender and DJ knew me by name, and making it my mission for the night to get the hottest guy with the best dance moves on floor to buy me a drink/ask for my number/hook up with me. Unfortunately, I usually succeeded in at least 2 out of the 3. I knew what it took to succeed: dress scandalously, flirt shamelessly, dance dramatically. Back then, I was naive enough to think that they actually liked me, but now I know that were driven purely by testosterone. And alcohol (as was I). There's always that element of "alcohol enhanced" behavior... Brad Paisley even wrote a song about it. It just makes you do things in the afterhours of the night that you would never dream about doing in broad daylight (for the most part, with good reason). Why? Because when you're drunk, or even buzzed, you just don't care. You're so focused on "feeling good" that any thought of any consequences just seems so foreign and removed that well... things happen.

Anyway, the way all of this ties in with the "dark" side of salsa is that over the last couple of months, I've been seeing more and more of that "college club type" behavior on and off the dance floor. Or maybe it's always been there and I just haven't noticed because I've never been involved and it has never touched me. Up until now... I've been "saved" from that lifestyle for over 4 years now (thank You, Jesus!) and have vowed never to go back. Still, in my heart I'm a dancer, and have found salsa to be "an alternative" of the sort. It just seemed more "grown up", more sophisticated, more structured, more in "good taste" and overall "cleaner". And so I embraced it fully. For the most part, salsa dancers don't really drink - the dance demands too much focus and attention to be staggering around drunk. However, there are always exceptions. Special events such as festivals and congresses, especially ones that involve travel and overnight stays in hotels just beg for trouble and promiscuity... I mean, come on, here you are, away from home and your significant other (if you have one), on a "vacation" so to speak, surrounded by all these "sexy" people, who are all "single" (or at least acting like they are), the dance floor is heating up and guess what? The dark privacy of your (or their) hotel room is just a short elevator ride away...

For my first salsa congress, this has been an interesting experience starting from the pre-congress party. It was quite amusing actually, all these hot shots trying to get a "feel" on me, telling me how "sexy" I am and how I should "afterparty" with them. They're "all that" and they know it, and there's nothing worse... I, personally, don't consider "sexy" to be a compliment. Because it has the word "sex" in it, it denotes that you see me as nothing more than a sex object, which is quite degrading, really. So yea... the dance floor was quite a sight these last 4 nights... You could literally see the line being drawn between "the light" and "the dark"... On one side, people having pure, clean, innocent fun just enjoying the dance and each other's company, and on the other, consumption of drinks after drinks, showing off, getting "down and dirty" and "evaluating" whose room to spend the night in. So much pretense, so much superficiality, so much "performance"... Which made me a bit sad in a way, because it has cast a shadow over something which I dearly love and enjoy. Yes, I thought these guys were amazing dancers and yes, I totally wanted to dance with them, talk to them, get to know them and hang out with them... But... BTW, I'm only referring to like 3% of the guys there, everyone else I met were actually super cool :).

And so I'm grateful for the Seattle salsa scene... I might have had a few run ins with some "players", but for the most part, the scene is small enough to force everyone to "keep it real." At least on the home turf...

Moral of the story: I know I can't speak for everyone, but generally, girls don't like to be "objectified" as sex objects based on how we look, dance or even speak. Nobody wants to be a fling, a one night stand, a mistake, and/or an "out of town" hook up. Sure, it's all fun and games at first, but how good will you really feel about yourself the next day knowing that you just "prostituted" your body in exchange for that momentary emotional and physiological high... Girls, you're worth way more than that... Don't let some hot shot guy use his powers of dance, touch and whispered sweet nothings (which literally mean nothing) in your ear melt your heart and cause you to surrender your body. Don't cross over to "the dark side"! :P

Thankful

2009-11-25T12:34:00.000-08:00

So it's the day before Thanksgiving and I just can't seem to grasp the holiday spirit... And I don't like it because this is my absolute favorite holiday (yes, it has everything to do with the food :P)! So in an attempt to stir things up, I thought I'd list all the things I'm thankful for... In no particular order:

* My job. Enough said, really...

* Favor - with God and people :)

* Grace - I wouldn't be alive right now without it. And protection too... Mostly from myself lol.

* My pastors - "my parents" :) and my church - "my family"!

* Music, dance, and salsa :) And Century Ballroom :D

* Beautiful Feet :) - community defined!

* Old friends - Tricia, Emily, Ulu, Tembi: they know me in and out and still love me :)

* New friends - and the exciting possibilities these friendships bring :P

* The gifts God has given me - I'm thankful for being "me" :)

* Holy Spirit - the reason I can be "me" :)

* Hope... faith and love too :) And Jesus, 'cuz He is the source of all 3 :)

* Family... Just having one... Granted it's not perfect, but at least it's there :)

I'm blessed... Truly blessed... Inside and out... More than I deserve... Thank You...

Keeping the Beat

2009-10-05T10:13:00.000-07:00

Last night at See Sound I came to a humbling realization... I still tend to freeze up on rare occasions when I have no clue what my partner is doing. Luckily for me, it was quickly followed by another, happier realization - I'm actually really good at getting back on beat even when I momentarily do get off of it.

Which got me thinking... I've already written a blog about the importance of sticking to the basics when one messes up, but what about sticking to the beat? In salsa, the beat of the music is everything. It's what "makes" a particular dance. Salsa, Cha-cha, Bachata and Merengue each have their own unique beat that enables the dancers to dance it a certain way. The beat is the rhythm, the heart, the soul and the life of a particular song... Lose it, and you might as well get off the floor and take a seat, because you're done... Everything done outside of the beat may look great, but deep down, you KNOW you're off and your dance won't last. Off beat leads and off beat follows just don't make for a good dance... They are clashing with the music, with themselves, with each other and occasionally even with other dancers.

Which got me thinking even more... What is the beat of our dance with God? Or more importantly, what is the beat of His song? If you've spent any amount of time in His presence, you know the answer... God's heartbeat is love... Love for people. Are we on the same beat in our dance (walk) with Him? When we get off the beat, how quickly do we realize it and get back on?

I love how God speaks to me... On Saturday I knew that I was off of His beat, but it was Sunday when He communicated that to me through dance... I love these parallels :) And I love Him... His song and His beat... Jesus, please help me to be just as quick in recognizing when I'm off Your beat as when I realize that I'm off beat on the dance floor. And please help me be even quicker in getting back on ;)

EuroTrip and TravelBug

2009-09-15T10:05:00.000-07:00

Yes, I realize that my trip to Europe happened about a month ago, but I just couldn't bring myself to write about it until now. Maybe because I've been too busy plotting to go back. Unfortunately, now I realize that aside from vacations, my new dream of living in the UK for a year (or two) won't be coming to pass this year. Or maybe for a couple of more years... We'll see. Either way, it's something worth waiting for :)

So yea... Europe... London and Paris in particular... WOW... I mean what is there to say, really? It's EUROPE! A whole different world... A step back into history and yet a step forward in so much more. I was in awe, swept off my feet, romanced, charmed and enthralled by my time there. But let's talk about London and Paris separately, since it wouldn't be fair to treat them the same when they are so intricately different (and so were my experiences there).

London

I want to live there. I could live there. Easily. Besides the fact that I was speaking fluent British (which is a whole different language in itself) by Day 3 and that there's a Starbucks on every corner, I felt so comfortable and so at home on its streets, on the Tube, and on the buses. I absolutely loved all of the different neighborhoods, stations, parks and buildings. Especially the buildings! As a history junkie, I was in heaven just looking at all these magnificent buildings, museums and churches, touching their walls and imagining the history behind them. I felt like I was in a movie. Or in a book. Like I've literally been taken back though time to the days when horse drawn carriages roamed these cobblestone streets and men in black trench coats and top hats walked around town conducting politics. Very romantic. London is gorgeous, but not in a pretty, flowery kind of way. Its beauty resides in a more sophisticated, almost masculine, strong and arrogant aura. It knows what it has and it's proud of it. The two building that have particularly captured my heart were the Parliament building (Big Ben) and the Shakespeare's Globe Theatre. I couldn't get enough of them, taking pictures from every possible angle and staring at them long enough to assure that their image would be forever imprinted in my memory.

Another reason I enjoyed London so much was the culture, the diversity, the hustle and bustle of a busy urban town that had anything and everything and then some. I loved Hillsong London. I loved their love for this city and its people. I loved their "modern" approach of reconciling "the culture" to "the church". I loved the salsa scene. I loved the liveliness of the streets at night, the easily accessible and available public transportation. I loved the shopping, the many restaurants, shows and art... It was "my" kind of town...

Paris

Now, I cannot talk about my whirlwind 24 hour trip to Paris without talking about "the boy". Let's call him A. I met A on the Eurostar train from London to Paris and he was literally an answer to a prayer. The prayer that was really an anguished cry for help, "God, please send me someone to enjoy Paris with!" I mean, it's Paris, who in their right mind would want to be there all alone? I actually almost didn't go to Paris because I was too anxious about not (really) speaking French, finding my way around by myself and staying at a hostel for the first time in my life. As always, God came through above and beyond all expectations. A and I had seats next to each other on the train and he started talking to me, commenting on my "Guide to Paris" and the C.S. Lewis vs. Freud book I was reading (he was also a Christian interested in theology!). He, himself, was reading two scientific magazines, one in English, one in French. Oh, and I did I mention he was cute and spoke British with a French accent? Yea... Anyway, to make a long story short (and it is a long story, believe me), he became my knight in shining armor and we ended up hanging out in Paris (under/at/in/by the Eiffel Tower) that night, holding hands, walking along the river, talking, and getting to know each other. It was a pretty perfect night of pure and innocent romance, which I wasn't really looking for and didn't necessarily want, but it was still nice. And that was it. He expressed his wishes to see me again someday after this, and I told him he will, but there was some miscommunication in the exchange of information (I think) and we haven't been in touch since.

I spent the next day exploring Paris on my own... Notre Dame, The Louvre, Champs Elysées & Arc de Triomphe and everything else in between... It was a hot sunny day and I did manage to get lost a few times, but it all worth it... I even got to have my little "French cafe lunch people watching" experience and drank in all the memories as photogenically as I could. Overall, I was overwhelmed by all the sights, smells and just the sheer volume of people everywhere speaking all different languages. It was unreal being there, in PARIS, for such a short time, trying to take in so much so quickly and not really getting to reflect on it. I loved it, but couldn't wait to get on the train back to London, which felt super cozy, safe and familiar at that point.

TravelBug

So I've been a bit restless since I got back... I can hear Europe calling my name daily... The fact that I actually have friends living there in about 3 different countries (UK, Spain, and soon Italy)doesn't help either. And so I'm planning my future vacations... Maybe I'll run into A again... Then again, maybe not. I know my life and my future are in God's hands... He is SO in control! And that gives me a peace of mind in the midst of my conflicting desires... Stay here or live abroad? I want to travel, I want to explore, I want to be free to experience the fullness of God's creation... There's so much I haven't seen yet... So how do I do it all? A little bit at a time... :)

Free to Dance!

2009-08-03T16:04:00.000-07:00

It. Is. FINISHED!!! My 40 day sabattical, that is :). For those of you who are still not quite sure of the What? When? Why? deal, here's a quick recap: a few months ago my priorities were out of wack: heart in the wrong place, thoughts scattered all over, body physically exhausted, purity and destiny on the verge of compromise. A sad place to be, I know. What started out as good clean fun was quickly turning into not so good, not very clean, and definitely not fun. I was losing my joy, my peace, my purpose, "myself" essentially... And it sucked. So I talked to a couple of mentors and decided to make some changes. Start with the woman in the mirror, per se.

DrawingClearLines came as a result. It felt good to take a stand, but my "relief" was short lived as three of my closest friends misunderstood my intentions and proceeded to stop being friends with me in response. That same weekend, my pastor asked me to take a 40 day fast from the dance scene, because she knew it played a big role in my frustration. Needless to say it was tough to say yes to that. Dancing has become my everything. But it wasn't even the "dancing"... Dancing in itself wasn't an issue. My pastors have always been very supportive of my passion for dance. What they weren't supportive of is it taking over my thoughts, emotions, and my "life" in terms of priorities, morals, values and standards. Taking this step of obedience (to God speaking through my pastor) felt like jumping off a cliff because I had no idea what would happen. On one hand, hiding out sounded good, but I knew this wasn't what this fast was supposed to be about. And so here I was, ostracized by my old "crew" and about to isolate myself even further by going on a 40 day sabbatical from an entire lifestyle that I've been keeping up for the past six months. I was apprehensive to say the least.

God is faithful. So very faithful... Even when we are faithless, He remains faithful. As soon as I made a decision to trust God and go through with the fast, peace flooded my heart and mind. The searing pain I felt over my friends' rejection was eased by hope in God's promise that ALL things were going to work out for my good and His glory... The most miraculous part was Beautiful Feet... These girls were sheer gifts to me, and even though two of them are no longer physically here, our bond of "sisterhood" is strong enough to carry love and support over thousands of miles :) I am in awe of how God provided what I needed in light of Him taking away what I didn't... Oh, how He loves me :)

So while I hate being an example of what not to do, I can deal with it knowing that through repentance and pruning, comes fruitfulness :) SlowHealing is a piece of that fruit. Written half way through the fast, it highlights some of the insights I've been reflecting on. Other miraculous fruits include the Hawaii resolution, TEFL course, my (upcoming) trip to London/Paris, my new administrative position at the church, nearly tripling my IG (the group of girls I mentor), fun wedding road trip, reconnecting with old friends and "rediscovering" myself :)

This video is how I truly feel right now... FREE! My joy is back :) Makes me want to run, fly and soar... Or just jump around and DANCE!

Slow Healing

2009-07-10T09:36:00.000-07:00

I'm just about half way through my 40 days, and it's nice... I'm pretty much settled into the "new" routines, "new" bedtimes (lol) and "new" surroundings. In fact, I like being in this "bubble" so much, that I'm considering doing 40 more days! Ok, fine, I wont :P It does feel good to be nurtured, strengthened, refreshed, recharged and healed and restored though :) Even though I already feel 200% better, I don't want to cut my regiment short. It's too good! I'm getting too much out of it :) Here's what's been on my mind thus far:

*You can only rebuild that which has already been broken. It's the whole potter/clay analogy... Mold me, shape me, form me...

*I value grace when I recognize it being given to me by God. But I value it so much more now that I realize how much I need it from people as well.

*Damage can be done instantaneously. A misinterpreted word, look or touch (or lack thereof altogether) can often be enough to cause damage equivalent to a gunshot wound (through the heart).

*Some time ago, I fell for the first time while rollerblading at Greenlake. As my knee made contact with the road, the bloody mess appeared right away, while the pain didn't. Still, I played it tough, got up, brushed myself off and rollerbladed the rest of the way back even as blood was trickling down my leg. In fact, I didn't feel any pain or even realize the extent of the damage until I tried to clean it up later. While cleaning up was necessary, ironically, it was also the most painful.

*Soul wounds are parallel to physical wounds, and can fester with infections of anger, bitterness and resentment. They need to be treated with an anti-bacterial ointment (God's love poured into our hearts via the Word of God a.k.a. the Bible).

*Scabs are tricky... You never want to remove them prematurely for the risk of having to go through the healing process all over again. Let them fall off naturally and on their own, even if it does take more time... While it may be fun to test and push the boundaries, the additional pain resulting from that is not worth it.

*I think scars are there to be a testimony, a constant reminder of what happened and a warning to not let it happen again.

*It's not what you do, or what is done to you that matters. It's how you respond in the aftermath. We can't control the actions of others, and sometimes even our own actions get misinterpreted or are just plain wrong altogether. So what do we do when we do wrong or are done wrong? I think the first step is to recognize (what really happened), the second is to forgive (yourself and the other person) and the third is to make amends (make things right and move on without holding any grudges).

*It has never ceased to amaze me how quickly the good can be forgotten when faced with the bad. Sure, we enjoy and appreciate kindness the moment it happens, but as soon as something goes wrong, it's like our memory becomes wiped clean of the good stuff and we only hold on to the bad. I want it to be the opposite for me: forget the bad stuff the moment it happens and hold on to the good forever :)

*Always think the best of people... I doesn't matter what kind of crazy thoughts and ideas are swarming in my head, I choose to think the best... And treat people according to that. I would be lying if I said I had it down... I don't... I'm working on it... Or I should say, God is working it out in me :)

*There is no fear (of rejection) in love, but perfect love (of Christ in me) casts out ALL fear :)

Drawing Clear Lines

2009-06-09T09:23:00.000-07:00

I love people. I am what you call an "extravagant extrovert". I get extreme pleasure from being around people and making new friends. I know no strangers.

I also love God. Jesus Christ, to be specific. I crave time in His presence, hearing His voice, feeling His touch, talking to Him, and seeing His reality in my life and the lives of others who know Him. I am what you call a "Christian".

And so my life was great... Loving God and loving people. In that order. And that's what made it great. My love for God overflowing into my love for people. All was good, my priorities were right and my heart was at peace. For a while...

I'm so ashamed to admit it, but somewhere along the line, that order switched. People came first and I began to compromise my relationship with God for my relationships with people. And I didn't even realize it until I was ready and willing to throw it all away. I looked at some of the people I was surrounding myself with and I actually envied them. They were "normal" and didn't have spiritual convictions and responsibilities to regulate their words and actions. The general rule of thumb seemed to be: If it makes you happy/feels good, then do it and deal with the consequences later. And so I wanted to be "normal". More specifically, I wanted to be free to do whatever I felt like at the moment and to date whomever I wanted without having this "issue" of "religion" (or lack thereof) come in the way. And then it hit me... I've already been there and done that... All of it. And where did it get me? I shudder to recall... And yet here I was, caught in compromise, eager to please my friends while leaving Jesus on the outskirts of whatever time/energy I had left after all the parties, dances and late night escapades. And it has cost me...

Thinking about it now, I have conformed so much to the crowd, I nearly lost myself and what I believe in. Reading The Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis really opened my eyes to what I got tangled up in, and has finally given me the resolve to shake it off and stand up for myself, my faith and my Christian lifestyle again. And so I will no longer give in to please others, try to fit in where I don't belong, apologize for being "different", stay silent when I need to speak, laugh when I need to stay quiet, and say "it's OK" when it's really not. There are actually two things in particular that I'm really not OK with, and for the last few days they've been agitating me so much, I'm going to mention them here.

1. Drinking/Seeing people (especially my friends) get drunk (or buzzed, whatever).

2. Cussing. Especially when people use the name of God as a curse word, and especially if it's girls. Hearing cuss words is like the sound of nails on the chalkboard for me. It irks me to no end and I hate it with a passion.

So these are just two of the things that I no longer want to be around. I still love people, and I absolutely adore my friends, but I love Jesus more. Way more. Yes, I'm a friend, and yes, I'm a dancer, but above all that I'm a Christian, and what may be "normal" for others may not always be normal for me. I'm called to a higher standard of life... And if the people in my life can't respect me, who I am, what I believe, and the lifestyle I live, then maybe they are not my friends to begin with... All I know is that I'm done compromising.

Out on a limb...

2009-05-26T09:56:00.000-07:00

Every now and then a situation comes along when it seems like what you want is finally within reach. And so we make plans, dream dreams, and dare to get our hopes up. We feel the thrill, the excitement, the anticipation. We can almost taste the success... We go for it, put ourselves out there, give it our best shot, all we've got, and then hold our breath and wait... All for nothing... Nothing but a slammed door in the face.

So what happens when we fail? Or when life seemingly fails us? What then? When hopes and dreams are dashed and crumbled, hearts broken and spirits crushed? Rejection is never pleasant, no matter which form it comes in. So what do we do? Dig a hole of self pity and bury ourselves in it? Hide in a dark corner of depression and cry bitter tears of resentment? The temptation to do all that is great...

Natural reaction to pain is always self defense for the fear of getting hurt again. When we make ourselves vulnerable, we risk getting hurt. And maybe 9 out of 10 times we will... So why do we keep doing it? Because that one time is worth it. Because you know that in order to get what you want you gotta keep trying. I'm all for "If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No need to make a fool out of yourself." Also, the definition of insanity is to do the same thing over and over while expecting different results. So by all means, common sense is very called for. No need to keep pursuing a shut door...

At the end of the day, what keeps you going and looking forward to the days ahead? I believe it's faith, hope and love mixed in with your God given gifts, talents and desires. Life is hard and pain is inevitable. While we cannot control many things, our attitude is always a choice. The temptation to run and hide every time things don't work out the way we want them to will always be there. Don't do it... It's too easy...

Love cannot not give... Love life. Love others. Love yourself. Love your Creator. And give it all your all :)

"Develop an attitude of faith, hope and love towards life. Many things are possible for the person who has hope. Even more is possible for the person who has faith. Still more is possible for the person who knows how to love. But everything is possible for the person who practices all three virtues."

To follow or not to follow?

2009-05-05T10:14:00.000-07:00

Who you follow determines where you end up.

It's fascinating how seamlessly this well known fact of life correlates to the dance world of "leads" and "follows". Generally speaking, a follow simply reflects the actions of a lead(er). It's a simple equation where one variable (the follow) is directly affected by another (the lead). When the two step out on the dance floor, it is understood that one will lead and one will follow, otherwise, there will be no dance. When a follow accepts a dance invitation from a lead, it is pretty much (on a MUCH smaller scale) equivalent to a citizen choosing a president, a church appointing a pastor, a person choosing a mentor. You can only go as far as that person takes you.

In order to obtain growth and improvement, one must always be stretched, challenged and presented with new "stuff". The reason we "look up" to someone is because we recognize that they are "above" us in some way or another and we want that which they have. In every relationship, if we respect the person, we tend to want to emulate something about them, whether it's a character trait, a talent, work ethic, business, ministry, marriage, family life, whatever. These people are our role models, inspirations, "idols"...

Just being around them, however, is not enough. Hanging out with Mother Theresa will not necessarily improve your personality. Improvement can only come from change. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over while expecting different results. There is little we have control over in this world, but the one thing that we can always be in control of is ourselves, our thoughts, our actions, our attitude, and the way we respond to whatever is thrown at us in life. We need to choose to change. And all mental decisions need to be followed through with a physical action. In all of this, there is no place for emotions, because anything established on emotions will sooner or later crash and burn.

Last, and perhaps the most important point: You can't be a good lead without being a good follow. All of my favorite dance leads know how to follow. Coincidence? I think not. In order to better lead, one must be able to relate to the follow. Think of it as a chain of command... Every leader must be leadable... Good follows make the best leads.

So who are you following? Where are you heading? Where will you end up in life? Apostle Paul told the early churches to follow him as he followed Christ. I think that is the most perfect model of leadership there is. Ultimately, Jesus Christ is my only role model and I'm following Him by following those who also follow Him. As a result, I have others following me because I am following Him. I'm both a lead and a follow. Keeps me humble :)

Reflections of RI

2009-04-22T12:45:00.000-07:00

*The City*

Dubbed as the Renaissance City, Providence is a city like no other... The people, the culture, the atmosphere... The language! LOL I could not get over the heavy Italian accent I heard EVERYWHERE! Or was it just the Rhode Island accent that suddenly sounded stronger than ever after being away for so long? Funny thing is, after a couple of days, I sounded just like them... It all came back! I'm still amazed at how one city can be so beautiful, yet so ghetto all at the same time... On a couple of my strolls through certain neighborhoods I caught myself wishing I had my pepper spray with me... I was actually questioning my safely... Something I haven't done in Seattle yet...

*Family*

My dad is whipped... I can't believe it. I salute my stepmom, she is awesome! She has completely transformed my dad into a person I do not know. I suspect my adorable 3 year old half sister might have had a little to do with that as well... I guess (new) parenthood changes men... Still, some things about him are (sadly) still the same... Oh well, as long as he loves my stepmom and Sophia, I'm cool with whatever... My stepsister is a different story altogether... How bad was it of me to actually not want to be around her :(... Her bf and I get along great though!

*Friends*

True friends aren't necessarily the people you see everyday... They are the people you don't see for months, but when you do, you just pick up right where you left off... And it's like it was only yesterday... :) I guess what it came down to was that I saw people who wanted to see me. It was a random selection really... An ex bf, a high school reunion, some old co-workers and a mix of friends from college and church. Seeing them happy put a smile on my face. Seeing them struggle made me sad... In the end, all I could do was make sure they knew I loved them and was there for them. So many of them have been affected by the economy (RI has the highest percentage of unemployment in the country) and it has devastated them (esp. guys). I know that most of these people will always be in my life in some way or another because our connections are just so strong :)

*Dancing*

I don't know if I'm totally accurate in saying this, but from what I've seen while I was there, the Latin dance scene in RI leaves more to be desired... Maybe I am biased. Maybe I was just missing my friends, my cozy little dance hubs and Nick's amazing music, but dancing in Providence just didn't do it for me... I missed "my" leads - dancing with the people I know, love, and can affectionately hug afterwards :) I guess I can't fully enjoy dancing without connecting with the person I dance with :)

*Food*

Can you say I T A L I A N? Providence is truly famous for its strong Italian heritage, and that is clearly evident in its cuisine. Its restaurants and chefs are top notch, which is not surprising since one of the top culinary schools in the country, Johnson and Wales University, resides downtown. Providence is also famous for its many bars, lounges and "upscale" socializing. In a city run by mafia, what can you expect? ;)

*Loose Ends*

I do love Rhode Island and I do love Providence. However, I do not miss it. True, every time I visit I get overwhelmed by a wave of nostalgia that sweeps over me with the memories of the past, but it's a past that's dead and gone. My new life is in Seattle :) Seattle is home :) I love it :) It's just... me!

The (Re) Connection

2009-03-24T14:45:00.000-07:00

I remember when I first started dancing salsa... As a hip hop dancer, I thought I already knew it all and could move to the beat better than most. Apparently that wasn't good enough for salsa... The only "partner" dancing I was familiar with at that point was "bump and grind", so needless to say, I had to start from scratch... At first, to me, salsa was all about the steps: the basics, the turns, the combinations... Later, I realized that it's all about being a good follow, which comes from something far more important than knowing the steps - a connection with your partner. That connection was something I was always fighting in other dances, but since it wasn't quite so physically intimate in salsa, I was OK in making it there (since I only danced with my friends anyway), thus becoming a better dancer.

It took me a bit longer to make that connection in bachata, and what it finally came down to was who I dance with. Since I already have a natural connection with my friends, the guys I know, love and respect, I feel safe letting down my guard and allowing myself to connect with them during the dance. I'd still never dance a bachata with a stranger though... Blues is the same way... I'm cool dancing and goofing around with my friends, but I can't get that close and personal with people I don't share affection with on a regular basis.

Let's switch over to tango now, this incredibly beautiful, complex, and difficult dance I've been trying to learn lately... I really must give it full credit for breaking down my physical comfort zone. I guess once you do the close embrace you don't go back... Anyway, the physical closeness is not the problem... My insecurities about not knowing what I'm doing are... I'm so focused on getting all the steps right, I'm distracted from what's really important: the music and the actual "connection" with my partner... Letting him move me...

It's the same in our relationship with God... Sometimes we can be so focused on getting all the "steps" right in our walk with Him, that we forget about the connection... Dancing to the music of His love... Letting Him move us, letting His love compel us... Isn't that what it all was meant to be about? The fear of our inadequacies will always break that connection... We are not always going to do/say/think/feel the right thing... Mistakes are bound to happen, but it's the connection that will keep Him and I together, and that connection can only come out of a relationship of trust. Trust in His character, His nature, His love, His Word, His promise... Dancing with Jesus is like dancing with a best friend... I know Him and He knows me, fully and completely, so it's a great dance everytime :P!

Show Must Go On!

2009-02-27T11:21:00.000-08:00

I thoroughly enjoy finding new parallels between dancing and my relationship with God :) Every time He shows me something new, I get really excited because I'm once again reminded that when we put God at the very center of our lives, it affects every area of our life :) Since God loves us so much, everything (and everyone!) we love is important to Him and He can teach us and speak to us through practically anything and everything!

So anyway, this is what I realized last night:

When I first started dancing, every time I'd mess up, I would just stop. Not only did it not look good, but it broke the momentum of everything I was doing before, which would have to get built up all over again once my partner got me back on track and we resumed the dance. Now, things are a bit different... Do I still mess up? Of course! Not as much as I used to, but occasionally small slip ups still occur. But you know what?! You'd never know it if you watch me now :) Because the more I dance, the better I get and the more I learn :) And one of the most important lessons I learned is to never stop... Just keep dancing! Even if I mess up or have no clue what's going on, I just keep on beat, keep doing the basic and keep up the momentum to go into another combination, turn or spin. And when I come out of it, I just go back to the basic! I never stop, because the key is to keep moving :)

In our walk with God, this principle translates the same way... Our journey with Him is a process. We are always learning, hence we still tend to mess up... So when you do, don't wallow in guilt, shame and condemnation! Don't stop doing what you're doing! Don't lose faith, hope and love :) Keep going... Keep on moving... Go back to the basic... Read your Bible, pray, surround yourself by the community and fellowship of other believers... Don't lose the momentum...

In this beautiful dance of life, God Himself is our partner, and He is faithful to complete the work He started in us. He'll get you back on track and into another exciting move :) Just learn to follow Him...

So You Think You Want To Date Me...

2009-02-26T15:48:00.000-08:00

In the last couple of weeks I've been hearing a lot on the topic of singleness. Particularly my own and my girlfriends'. We are all young, intelligent, educated, GORGEOUS, talented, fun, and have personalities that literally radiate attraction. So what gives? I mean, the desire is there... There are plenty of guys I've been attracted to and thought, "Hey, I wouldn't mind going out with him!" I actually did go out with a few, but they all seemed to hit the brick wall of "Is this really going to work?" and resulted in a crash and burn... It's not that we wouldn't have had a fun short term fling or an even shorter intense red hot affair, it's just that I wasn't interested in investing my time, energy and emotions into something that I knew would leave me high and dry because it had no long term potential... Our standards, morals, values and beliefs just didn't match up, which completely eliminated the possibility of any romantic future together...

When a friend asked me why I wasn't dating any of the guys I met at salsa, I replied, "Because none of these guys want to date a girl who won't sleep with them." Sad, but true... I'm sure they all respect me for it, but nonetheless... Don't get me wrong... I'm all about love and romance and passion in the bedroom (and on the dance floor), but it has to be at the right time with the right person, in a relationship that is safe and secure, where there is freedom to let go and be vulnerable because there's complete trust, commitment and covenant. My body and heart are a package deal and are too precious to be given away carelessly.

That being said, here are some things you need to know about me and some things you need to check yourself for if a thought of dating me has ever crossed your mind ;) :

Me:

*Once you're in my life in any way, you're in, and you're staying in unless you choose to get out.

*I'm not the girl you bootycall at 2 am, I'm the girl you take home to meet mom and dad.

*I'm NOT going to sleep with you (unless you're my husband).

*I'm blunt and honest with a sarcastic sense of humor :) So if your feelings tend to get hurt easily, I'm not the girl for you...

*My top 3 Love Languages are #1 Quality Time, #2 Physical Touch, #3 Acts of Service. That means spend time with me/talk to me, hug me, and do stuff for me :P LOL

* I value sincerity, honestly and loyalty above all else.

* I love spontaneously, surprises and all that fun random unexpected stuff :)

You:

...have to love Jesus. As a person, and not some religious figure. Respect, admiration and faith alone are not good enough. Love.

...have to love people. All people. Genuinely. And be comfortable around all races/ages/ethnicities/orientations/backgrounds.

...have to be able to fit in and "hang" with my friends, family, church, and dance community.

...have to dance :) Anything counts really, as long as you have some passion and some rhythm, although the ideal, of course, would be salsa ;)

So if you can handle the "Me" part and got the 4 "You" things down you're golden (granted the initial attraction/connection/chemistry is already there :P)!

Validation

2009-02-03T21:50:00.000-08:00

This video has hit home so hard, it knocked the wind out of me and sent me into a tailspin of emotion so intense I needed a moment to collect myself after watching it. It was as if I was watching the story of my own life. Hugh Newman was me... A bubbly, optimistic cheerleader whose greatest joy came from speaking life into people's lives, making them smile and giving them hope. I was a leader at my church, a pastor's assistant and a mentor to many girls. My life was overflowing with happiness, excitement, and sunshine. And I couldn't help but share it with everyone I encountered.

All was well... until I fell in love. And of course, I couldn't fall in love with someone who was just like me, another "cheerleader"... I fell in love with a "wounded bird", someone so hurt and so broken, I just had to try and "save" him... And I couldn't. I took every smile, every laugh, every hug, every little sign of happiness on his part as a personal victory, a small triumph of some sorts, anything to keep me going in my efforts to "win" him over. And when I didn't, it absolutely devastated me.

I lost myself... I mean, after all, what was the point of having joy in my life and giving it to others when I couldn't share it with the one I loved the most? And so gone was my own smile, my own joy, my own sense of identity, destiny and purpose. Maybe not all of it all at once, but chunks of it were definitely stolen by sadness, tears and frustration that seemed to have come out of nowhere to fill in the void created by my broken heart. It stayed like that for a while... My family, friends and pastors were confused... What happened to their Anna?! They loved and supported me the whole way through.... They wanted my smile back. Jesus was always there too... Reading The Shack and lots of Philip Yancey helped me understand and get my peace back :) The Bible has provided me with some priceless wisdom and comfort as well :)

So yea, after months of pain and some pretty intensive "therapy", I was back! The joy, the laughter, the "gift" of bringing it out in others, was still in me... It has never left. I was now back to being myself and doing what I love... making others smile :) And this is still where I am right now :0) That is my "happy ending"... Do I want the same happy ending as this video? Of course I do... The thought alone makes me catch my breath... I'd do anything for things to end like that... However, I realize that my life is not a short film and that there are no guarantees or formulas to make it all work out exactly the way I want it to. And that's ok. Maybe an alternative ending will be just as good if not better :) Meanwhile, I'll just keep living my life, doing my thing and being myself... Because I'll never completely know the full impact and extent of my words/actions and whose life I end up touching...

Spice Boys (And Girls) of Salsa (Take II)

2009-01-30T16:10:00.000-08:00

Generally speaking, we are all sexual beings who have a need for (physical) human contact, yet we all engage in social dancing for different reasons. The trick is to decipher who is there to pick up the opposite (or same) sex, get you to buy lessons, get some exercise, or really just to dance, have fun, and improve their skills. To be fair, quite a few of the people really are there to practice and get better at their dance, especially those who are just starting out and those who've been at it for a while. But why are they doing it?

For guys, it's simple: to meet girls, which is why at least half, if not all, of the men are there. I mean, come on, in what other place can you just approach a girl, ask her to dance and then hold her hands, at the very least, (depending on the type of dance/song) for about 3-5 minutes? And if you’re really lucky (or good looking) you might even get a name and some conversation out of her. It helps if you smile and make us laugh. It really helps if you actually know what you’re doing. I don't care how much the guys say they enjoy the music, or the dance moves, let's get real... if it didn't include the whole "dancing with a girl" part, how many guys would still be there? Not many...

For girls, it's a bit more complex just because we are very different from the guys. Most of us (with a few exceptions of course) are there to enjoy the music, the dancing, and to hang out with our friends, both guys and girls. However, we would still be there without the guys, enjoying each other's company, dancing with our girl friends and making new ones. We also tend to be not as aggressive as the guys in asking for dances and pursuing your interest. Are motives and interests are more social and music/dance related than romantic and/or sexual.

So now, possessing such information, one needs to decide how to appropriately respond to and interact with the different groups of people in the dancing community. Let’s start with the easiest category, The Beginners. Since they really are there to learn, give them a break and dance with them. Be nice and encouraging, who knows, they might get really good really fast and become one of your favorite partners! If they do however try to flirt or get your number, politely decline and avoid any future dances, unless they are really hot and you are really interested. Moving on to Dancing as Exercise, this one is also pretty easy, just enjoy the workout! The men in this category are often the sweatiest and smelliest. Don’t expect them to ask you out unless you actually provide them with a workout, or are really hot. This category can also include people who are there because they really do enjoy the music and the dance itself. They are there to dance, period.

Next, The Pros, people who are there generally to practice, show off, sell you lessons or promote themselves and their own venues. Don’t expect them to dance with you unless they already know you, or (as a girl) you’re dressed incredibly skanky. Any guy will do anything to get his hands on a barely clad hot body. Actually being an outstanding follow helps. Note the word “outstanding”.

The last category, people who are there to pick up and hook up, actually includes (some, not all) guys and girls from all the other categories. They are not there to have “guy time” or "girl time" or meet more guy/girl friends, they are there to meet and dance with the opposite sex. And this is how it works: They ask you to dance, ask for your name, smile, flirt, make you laugh, compliment you, maybe even teach you some moves. Then they start to sit with you when you’re not dancing, talk to you, learn about you, trying to get you to feel closer, more comfortable with them. After that, their dance with you might get a little sexier, they’ll start to test their (and your) boundaries, the flirting will turn up a notch, the attraction, the chemistry, the rhythm, it’s all there, and you’re hooked. That’s when you’ll start seeking each other out on and off the dance floor, phone calls, texts, Facebook messages – Are you coming out tonight? At which point this can go one of two ways: You either admit your exclusive interest for each other and start dating (this rarely happens, and if it does, it doesn’t usually last for long - I've seen so many people hook up and break up, it's ridiculous), or you look around, evaluate the situation and see that they are literally doing this with several (if not more) other girls/guys. How are you supposed to compete with that?! Should you even bother and is it even worth it?

As a friend of mine eloquently stated, guys have picking up chicks down to a formula. The girl is pretty much the only variable that keeps changing and rotating in and out. Another friend of mine said that guys are simple: if you’re pretty and can carry on a conversation, guys are interested. If you dress hot and can shake it on the dance floor, guys are very interested. So how does a girl handle all this male attention without falling head over heels and getting her heart broken when she realizes they’re not serious? From my own personal experience, the key is to be objective and not to get emotionally involved. I made the mistake of getting emotionally involved once, and it has literally messed me (and my dancing) up for months. I thought I was something special, somehow different from all the other girls, but I was just another variable in his formula. So yea, having learned from that experience, I can tell you to just use your head. Watch how they interact with other dancers… Do they treat them the same way they treat you? Are you really “special” or just the flavor of the week? Some guys/girls are just players and there’s nothing you can do about that. You can still dance with them and enjoy their company (and good looks), just be fully aware that that’s as far as it goes. Leave it on the dance floor, and keep your heart out of it.

It really is possible to actually make friends with the people you dance with. I’ve met and befriended many guys at salsa, even those who initially did try to “pick me up”. What works for me is clearly setting boundaries right at the beginning and letting them know that there’s just no way you’ll ever have anything even remotely romantic (or sexual) with them. As a result, you can go out there and enjoy dancing with some great dancers, who can also be great friends once they start looking at you as more of a sister/brother than their next hook up. I have many “brothers” at salsa, which only adds to my enjoyment of it. So when the dancing gets hot and spicy, you just gotta remember to keep it simple, keep it clean, and keep it pure :)!

The (Mis) Connection

2009-01-28T21:50:00.000-08:00

For the last two Tuesdays I've been dancing a new dance: Blues. I've known about it for a while, but was always skeptical about trying it because it just looked so sensual/sexual (as sexual beings, I think none of us can truly separate the two). It was just too close, something I was completely uncomfortable with, especially with strangers. When I finally did try it two weeks ago, I was surprised at how much fun it was and how much I loved it. It let me use all the dance skills I had: hip hop, tango, salsa, swing... And it was totally improvised, which I love, because there's nothing as fun as "doing your own thing". Dancing with friends was awesome since they already knew my style (and my 6 inch rule :P). Dancing with the new people I met was very fun too (once I've informed them of the 6 inch rule and didn't have to fight them while trying to push them away the whole time). So yea, my first official night of dancing the blues was fun, exciting, and thrilling. I thought I was hooked... Until a week later.

Last night was different and made me realize a couple of things. One, I'm a great dancer. Two, I'm a sucky blues dancer. I can definitely move, and I can most certainly follow, but when it comes to blues, I refuse to play by the rules. Apparently, there are "rules" to dancing blues (even though the dance is improv), and I learned them last night while dancing with an actual blues DJ/instructor. Even before that though, I could sense that something was off... I wasn't connecting with the music and feeling the beat because I was either having too much fun acting out or too distracted by my partner trying to hold me too close. At the end of the night, when I finally got my "lesson", everything became clear. Here's a rough sketch of how it went:

We just started dancing, and I thought I was doing really well...

Him: Can I make a suggestion?
Me: Sure, go for it!
Him: It feels like you're pushing me away.
Me (thinking): I am.
Him: We are not connected.
Me (thinking): I don't want to connect with you, I just want to dance.
And, BOOM, there's the problem... Same issue I have with tango... Love it, but refuse to do the "close embrace" where the girl fully leans against the guy's chest/stomach and their bodies are literally connected/aligned on one side so that every move the lead makes transcends to the follow. It's an amazing concept and works marvelously, as my teacher later demonstrated it for me all its glory. I have to admit, it makes a HUGE difference and I totally get the what, why and how, but I still can't do it. Even after being a good student, dancing the "proper" way, and seeing what an improvement it made in my dancing, I still wanted to dance "my way". I felt the connection alright, and that was the problem... I didn't want to.

We connect with people/things on various levels: intellectual, emotional, social, spiritual, and of course, physical. Every person/thing in our life makes an impact on us and leaves its mark, however big or small it might be. Whether we meet a person, read a book, watch a movie, or hear a song, something in us (our feelings, memories, desires, experiences, etc.) makes a connection that leaves an impression that stays in our heart and on our mind (for a certain amount of time anyway).

I have no problem making intellectual and social connections, but when it comes to spiritual, emotional and physical, I tend to guard myself a great deal. Not so much with girls, but very much so with guys. I consider myself to be a very open person and I'll reach out to just about anyone, but there are still parts of myself that I reserve only for "that special someone". That physical connection is one thing... I only want to have it with one person... I think it's pretty special... The emotional connection is another thing... I want "my guy" to be only one who knows me on that level, to be the only one for whom I feel these feelings and allow myself to be that vulnerable with.

Maybe it's just me... Even though I know it's not... Maybe I'll get more comfortable if I let myself "loosen up"... In fact, I know I can, but I just don't want to... Call it high standards, call it being conservative, prude, whatever... I'm sure my future someone will appreciate me "saving" myself for him :) Even in little things, like dancing in a certain way, letting someone hold me so close, touch me like that, me feeling certain things... It's a big deal to me... I know I don't do bachata justice, I know I don't do tango justice, and now I think I probably don't do blues justice either... But I think it's ok. Am I going to keep dancing? I think so... But my way :) and with people who understand... There's only one person I really want to "connect" with on all levels :)

Spice Boys (Men of Salsa)

2009-01-26T00:10:00.000-08:00

As much as I’d like to say that they are all the same, they’re not. Generally, as men, they are all the same because they are all driven by their hormones, but they all come out to dance for different reasons. The trick is to decipher who is there to pick up chicks, get you to buy lessons, get some exercise, or really just to dance, have fun, and improve their skills. To be fair, quite a few of the guys really are there to practice and get better at their dance, especially those who are just starting out and those who've been at it for a while. But why are they doing it? Simple: to meet girls, which is why at least half, if not all, of the men are there. I mean, come on, in what other place can you just approach a girl, ask her to dance and then hold her hands, at the very least, (depending on the type of dance/song) for about 3-5 minutes? And if you’re really lucky (or good looking) you might even get a name and some conversation out of her. It helps if you smile and make us laugh. It really helps if you actually know what you’re doing.

So now, possessing such information, as a girl, you need to decide how to respond to these “salsa guys”. Let’s start with the easiest category, Beginners. Since they really are there to learn, give them a break and dance with them. Be nice and encouraging, who knows, they might get really good really fast and become one of your favorite leads! If they do however try to flirt or get your number, politely decline and avoid any future dances, unless they are really hot and you are really interested. Moving on to Dancing as Exercise, this one is also pretty easy, just enjoy the workout! Take note however, these guys are often the sweatiest and smelliest. Don’t expect them to ask you out unless you actually provide them with a workout, or are really hot. This category can also include guys who are there because they really do enjoy the music and the dance itself. But let's get real... if it didn't include the "dancing with a girl" part, they wouldn't be there. What guy wants to salsa with a guy? Next, the Pros, people who are there generally to show off, sell you lessons or promote themselves and their own venues. Don’t expect them to dance with you unless they already know you, or you’re dressed incredibly skanky. Any guy will do anything to get his hands on a barely clad hot body. Actually being an outstanding follow helps. Note the word “outstanding”.

The last category, guys who are there to pick up chicks, actually includes all the other categories, because as I said earlier, that is the essential motive of all guys who dance. They are not there to have “guy time” or meet more guy friends, they are there to meet and dance with girls. And this is how it works: They ask you to dance, ask for your name, smile, flirt, make you giggle, compliment you, maybe even teach you some moves. Then they start to sit with you when you’re not dancing, talk to you, learn about you, trying to get you to feel closer, more comfortable with them. After that, their dance with you might get a little sexier, they’ll start to test their (and your) boundaries, the flirting will turn up a notch, the attraction, the chemistry, the rhythm, it’s all there, and you’re hooked. That’s when you’ll start seeking each other out on and off the dance floor, phone calls, texts, Facebook messages – Are you coming out tonight? At which point this can go one of two ways: You either admit your exclusive interest for each other and start dating (this rarely, if ever, happens, and if it does, it doesn’t usually last for long - I've seen so many people hook up and break up, it's ridiculous), or you look around, evaluate the situation and see that he is literally doing this with several (if not more) other girls. How are you supposed to compete with that?! Should you even bother and is it even worth it?

As a friend of mine eloquently stated, guys have picking up chicks down to a formula. The girl is pretty much the only variable that keeps changing and rotating in and out. Another friend of mine said that guys are simple: if you’re pretty and can carry on a conversation, guys are interested. If you dress hot and can shake it on the dance floor, guys are very interested. So how does a girl handle all this male attention without falling head over heels and getting her heart broken when she realizes they’re not serious? From my own personal experience, the key is to be objective and not to get emotionally involved. I made the mistake of getting emotionally involved once, and it has literally messed me (and my dancing) up for months. I thought I was something special, somehow different from all the other girls… And when he said, “I like you”, I assumed it meant “More than anybody else.” Turns out I was wrong. I was just another girl variable in his perfected formula of meeting girls at salsa… So yea, learning from that experience I can tell you to just use your head. Watch how he interacts with other girls… Does he treat them the same way he treats you? Are you really “special” or just the flavor of the week? Some guys are just players and there’s nothing you can do about that. You can still dance with them and enjoy their company (and good looks), just be fully aware that that’s as far as it goes. Leave it on the dance floor, and keep your heart out of it.

It really is possible to actually make friends with the guys you dance with. I’ve met and befriended many guys at salsa, even those who initially did try to “pick me up”. What works for me is clearly setting boundaries right at the beginning and letting them know that there’s just no way you’ll ever have anything even remotely romantic (or sexual) with them. As a result, you can go out there and enjoy dancing with some great dancers, who can also be great guys once they start looking at you as more of a sister than their next hook up. I have many “brothers” at salsa, which only adds to my enjoyment of it. So when the dancing gets hot and spicy, you just gotta remember to keep it simple, keep it clean, and keep it pure :)!

Hot Dads

2009-01-24T20:37:00.000-08:00

There are a lot of them at the school where the 6 year old I nanny goes... It was quite shocking for me at first to see them there... Dropping off and picking up their kids, being in the classroom, on the playground, holding backpacks, lunch boxes and art projects... It's very fascinating. It was like, you're (semi) young, (very) good looking, well dressed, and a dad?! Naturally, my next question was, are you also a husband?! A quick glance at their left hand ring finger assured me that most of them, in fact, were. Aww, how sweet! A few of them, however, were missing that gold/platinum band... Hmm... so are you a big brother then? An uncle? A babysitter? A single dad? A widow? A divorced parent? In any case, the absence of a wedding band on a ring finger means single, which also often means available. Which then gets me thinking, would I, could I, should I? Be with someone who already has a child, that is...

There are already so many things to consider when it comes to dating, and throwing a child into the mix makes it all the more complicated... Baby mama drama is one thing... The circumstances are everything. I don't think I've ever had a serious crush on or seriously considered dating someone who already had a child from a previous relationship/marriage. Just too complicated I guess... Never appealed to me no matter how good looking the guy was. Not that I'm ruling it out completely, but it just seems so hard!

I haven't really connected with many parents at the school yet, even though I see them everyday. I think the fact that I'm not an actual "parent" has something to do with it. I also haven't been hit on by any dads, with or without a wedding band. Thank God, because that would have been just awkward. But still, you never know, and I must admit that I find at least one of those "single" dads very attractive. If it turns out that we actually talk and connect, and he can dance... But it's too much to think about right now... I was just toying with this cool idea in my head, that there are a lot of really cool, hot dads out there who also happen to be very cool, hot husbands :) It gives me hope... It's just encouraging :)

Kids... So Selfish!

2009-01-22T10:54:00.000-08:00

As many of you know, I get to work with kids all day at both of my jobs, nannying and Sylvan. Fun jobs, fun kids, good times :) I totally love doing what I do, because I get to see the "human nature" in its perhaps most "unrefined" form. It's always refreshingly shocking and amusing to see how kids reflect what all of us really are on the inside...selfish!

I've never had a problem with an 11 month old Tommy being selfish, because he's baby, he's right, the world really does revolve around him and his needs. I do get a bit annoyed when my 3 (now 4) year old Mikey tries to throw a selfish fit, though. In an effort to teach him that the world does not, in fact, revolve around him and that he needs to be aware and considerate of the wants and needs that others around him have, I've been making it a point to sometimes deny him certain things if his only reason is "But I want to!" or "But I don't want to!" It's not because I'm mean or don't love him, but because the kid's got to learn! Every once in a while, just to mess with him, I'll respond with my own "But I want to!" or "But I don't want to!" so that he'll understand what it's like to not always get what you want because of your consideration for others. I think it's working :)

It's normal for kids to be selfish when they're young, but when are they supposed to grow out of it? At what age do they begin to realize that it is indeed better to give than to receive, that sometimes one needs to lay aside their own personal wants and needs for a sacrifice of a greater good? Somehow I remember always being aware of that "self sacrifice" concept growing up. Blame it on either a "culture of love songs" or "religion", but it got the job done. About a month ago though, I had a Study Skills student at Sylvan who really got me concerned about what this world is coming to in terms of selfish kids growing up to be selfish adults... I think she was either a freshman or a sophomore in high school and we were doing a lesson on setting goals and priorities. At the end of the lesson, she needed to answer a question: What would you die for? Her answer: Nothing. To help the girl out, I asked her what she would live for instead. Her answer: Myself. She then went on to explain that she didn't think there was anything she would be willing to die for and that she was only living for herself and what made her happy. I just kind of sat there, stunned, staring at her for a minute and then just had her move on to something else because I couldn't tell her what I was really thinking: What a sad little girl... What a sad life...

Selfish people don't make very good friends, and they make terrible spouses... It's just hard to be around them, to live with them... And it's also hard for them to live with themselves... Selfish people are often negative, pessimistic, sad, lonely and depressed. No wonder, since all of their focus is on themselves... It's pretty ironic that when you spend so much time and energy trying to make yourself happy, all your efforts fall short and all you're left with is an acute realization of how big that hole in your soul really is...

So where does true fulfillment, satisfaction, love and happiness come from? Well, like Jesus said, it comes from laying your life down for others, from loving and serving others... From living an "unselfish" life... From taking yourself off the throne of your life and putting God there... Having your life revolve around Him... And guess what? He's all about loving other people :) So who would you die for? My neighbor... Who would you live for? My neighbor...

Encounter This!

2009-01-18T14:37:00.000-08:00

I love my church. There are no "buts", "ifs" or "ands" about it. No matter how different we all are, no matter our age, experience, culture, education, no matter how annoyed and frustrated I sometimes get with the way things are done, no matter the "Russian mind set", no matter how unorganized and last minute meetings and events can sometimes be, no matter all the craziness and chaos, we all know how to do at least one thing very well, and that is to roll up our sleeves, and all work relentlessly as one for a common cause :)

I really saw that this weekend at the Women's Encounter Retreat. It was pretty much one of the most intense experiences of my life that has brought out of me the strength I didn't even know I had. Even though I have been to several encounters before, this was the first time I was serving in one as a leader/speaker.

This encounter was so "spontaneous" for me, so unplanned, in a sense that I wasn't able to go to any meetings about it, was out of town right before it, and only had 2 days to prepare 2 messages that I would be delivering to 30+ young girls/women. However, speaking was only a small part of my role in this encounter. Taking confession, going over topic forms, praying with and for the girls, and casting out demons were things that I've never done before and wasn't quite prepared to do on a moment's notice. Sure, I pray for people on a regular basis, but the intensity of this was times a thousand, because everything was so deep, so personal, so close to home... Most of these girls I've known for years, some of them were even my former students, and the rest were friends... It was such an honor to speak into their lives, to share my life with them, teach them, pray for them, work with them, minister to them... To have them listen to me, trust me, open up to me, love me... It made an impact.

So the last 2 days, roughly 16 hours, were filled with so much emotional, physical and mental hard work, so many tears, but also so much joy, that I wouldn't have traded them for anything. I absolutely love encounters... to see young girls get set free and delivered from issues that have been causing them pain, holding them back, tearing them up and destroying their lives, to see God just manifesting His love and power in their lives, healing them inside and out, watching them being transformed by Him right before my eyes... It's really indescribable...

Yet, for me, it was also semi bittersweet... As I was ministering to these girls, my mind and heart kept going back to the people I love who weren't there, yet needed to be. To the broken and the hurting who instead of turning to God to heal their pain, turned on themselves in sadness, depression and anger... It almost wasn't fair that while I was there, at the encounter, helping young girls, I couldn't help the people that my heart was truly breaking for... So I just prayed and asked God to minister to them the same way I was ministering to these girls...

So yea... I love my church... I love my pastors... I love our leaders... I love our "people"... We are such family... That's really the best way of putting it :)

The Shack

2009-01-07T10:17:00.000-08:00

I can't say that many things have "changed my life". Only one thing (person) has actually - Jesus :) However, there are a few things, books in particular, that have changed my outlook on life, my thinking, my heart... The Shack, by William P. Young, is the most recent of those things. This book seriously rocked me to the core and I recommended it to literally everyone. I've given this book to a lot of my friends for Christmas and it's been very exciting to hear how much they are loving it as well :) So without giving the plot (completely) away, here are some of the lessons I learned:

*God the Father, Jesus, and Holy Spirit
I've always struggled with separating the three, and this book paints a beautiful picture of their (very distinct) roles and personalities. Their character is consistant though :) As it should be, since all three are "God"!

*Relationships
God's relationship with us and our relationships with other people... It's beautiful, inspiring and touching... God loves people more than anything... All people. Relationships can hurt, but they can also heal and save :)

*Why bad things happen to good people
In short, we all live in an imperfect broken world where none of us are immune from pain and other things that are caused by sin. If not our own, then the sins of others... Such is life... The solution? Jesus :)

*Love, Faith, Grace, Hope, Forgiveness, and all that good stuff :)
The timing of grace... Loving others with the same love God loves us... It's a process, a journey, not an event... Not giving up... Going out on a limb... Becoming all things to all people... Thinking outside the box... Coming down to others' level... Humility... Sacrifice... The list can go on and on...

This book is considered very controversial, and with good reason I suppose... For a work of fiction, it deals with some pretty heavy theological stuff and touchy life issues. It will mess with you. So read with discernment, but also with an open heart and let God use it to speak to you, touch you, heal you, comfort you, and love you...

Salsa Musings

2009-01-06T09:54:00.000-08:00

I've been dancing a lot lately :) and I love it! I think I've finally made my peace with it and accepted it for what it is: a God given desire and gift :) Some people are singers, some are musicians, some are both, and I am a dancer :) It truly is both a gift and a skill. After all, even our natural gifts need to be sharpened.

Even though dancing has all sorts of bad associations tagged with it (esp. in the Russian/Christian community), I will no longer let it affect my feelings towards it. I may be completely misunderstood by some, labeled and shunned by others, but God knows my heart and I know my heart, and it's pure :)

So here's what I've been picking up on the last few weeks:

*I really enjoy being challenged by amazing leads. I used to be intimidated by and afraid to dance with people who are really good, but now I have enough confidence to know that I can follow almost anyone.

*Leading is hard! Since I started learning how to lead (I only know a few basic moves, turns, spins and combinations) I've developed a new appreciation for leads. While I enjoy leading my friends, I can still feel the pressure of being responsible of their moves. Ha ha and also annoyance when I do my part, but they mess up theirs. It can be frustrating, so I'm glad I'm only doing it for fun :P

*I really don't like dancing with beginners. I know it sounds awful, especially since we were all beginners at some point, but I feel like for guys it's different. You can't lead another person when you don't know what you're doing yourself. Yes, they need to practice, but maybe with someone on their own level or with an instructor. I'm always kind and patient when I dance with them, but sometimes I get really annoyed and just want to lead them instead! And I'm sure that my face gives me away because "What the heck are you doing?" must be written all over it. However, if they are cute, I don't mind too much because then there's usually more talking than dancing going on anyway.

*I'd rather dance with friends than with strangers any day. I've had enough bad experiences dancing with strangers that now I usually just say no to people I don't know, unless I've watched them dance before. It's not me be being snobbish... just cautious.

So yea, dancing is a lot of fun! Especially when you're doing it with friends :) I got the pleasure of introducing it to a lot of people, and they all loved it... It's a good way to be social, enjoy music and even get some exercise :) Try it!

The Aftermath of a Near Death Experience

2008-12-30T15:24:00.000-08:00

The accident didn't exactly make me see my life flashing before my eyes. I knew I wasn't going to die. Afterwards, I was grateful that we were all OK, but I wasn't really "freaked out" or "shaken up". The timing seemed weird... Right after Christmas and right before New Year's...

It did make me appreciate and value my friends and their love and concern for me. It was very touching to hear people tell me they were glad I was alive and OK. It made me just want to be around and close to those I love and those who loved me... It made me crave that fellowship, those relationships, those conversations, hugs and whatnot...

It also brought up something that I've been trying to forget and let go of for so long... Something I thought for sure was really done for this time... And yet, in the midst of this wonderful celebration of life and love, I felt a damper trying to come in and steal my joy, my purpose, my knowledge of exactly why God has protected my life... Why does it STILL have to hurt so much? Why is it taking so long to heal? I know God sees the end, but I feel like I need to see it too. I need to see the end of this...

Thank God Spirit 105.3 is back to playing their regular music! I heard this song a couple of times today and it's perfect...

Kry - Take My Hand and Walk

I know there are times
Your dreams turn to dust
You wonder as you cry
Why it has to hurt so much
Give Me all your sadness
Someday you will know the reason why
With a child-like heart
Simply put your trust in Me

Take My hand and walk where I lead
Keep your eyes on Me alone
Don't you say why were the old days better
Just because you're scared of the unknown
Take My hand and walk

Don't live in the past
'Cause yesterday's gone
Wishing memories would last
You're afraid to carry on
You don't know what's comin'
But you know the one who holds tomorrow
I will be your guide
Take you through the night
If you keep your eyes on Me

Take my hand and walk where I lead
Keep your eyes on me alone
Don't you say why were the old days better
Just because you're afraid of the unknown
Take my hand and walk where I lead
You will never be alone
Faith is to be sure of what you hope for
And the evidence of things unseen
So take my hand and walk

Just like a child
Holdings Daddy's hand
Don't let go of Mine
You know you can't stand on your own

I Hope You Dance

2008-12-17T10:41:00.000-08:00

I'm going to share this little spiel on Friday before the dance, but here's a sneak peak ;)

Dancing With God

It's not a coincidence that the word Guidance ends with "dance". I am very passionate about dancing, especially partner dances, because I believe that our relationship with God is a lot like dancing... For one, there is a "lead" and a "follow". When two people try to lead, nothing feels right. The movement doesn't flow with the music, and everything is quite uncomfortable and jerky. When one person realizes that, and lets the other lead, both bodies begin to flow with the music.

One gives gentle cues, perhaps with a nudge to the back or by pressing lightly in one direction or another. It's as if two become one body, moving beautifully. The dance takes surrender, willingness, and attentiveness from one person and gentle guidance and skill from the other.

Let's look back at the word "Guidance"... G: "God", followed by "u" and "i". "God", "u" and "i" dance. God, you, and I dance.

Became willing to trust God's guidance in your life. Be willing to let God lead... Dance together with God, trusting Him to lead and guide you through each season of your life.

I Hope You Dance!

A Thrill of Hope

2008-12-09T10:26:00.000-08:00

One of my favorite Christmas hymns, O Holy Night, has a line that makes my heart skip a beat every time I hear it... "A thrill of hope..."

Hope is thrilling... Not some far away, vague, impersonal hope for something you somewhat want, but a hope that is so real, so specific... Something your heart longs for more than anything, something you so greatly and deeply desire with every living, breathing cell of your body... When it's so close you can smell it, taste it, feel it... now that's thrilling... Imagine wanting something so bad, you think about it every waking second, pray about it every night... Or imagine wanting something so great, so seemingly impossible, so unlikely, something you don't think could ever happen to you... And then it does.

In Pride and Prejudice, my #1 favorite movie, Mr. Darcy delivers a line that I can very much relate to... about daring to hope as we have scarcely allowed ourselves to before... In a world were we are always told not to get our hopes up, and be careful (especially when it comes to love), it's easy to let go and lose sight of hope... Expectations lead to disappointments, isn't that what they say? Well what about when that hope and that faith actualizes and becomes reality? Can you just image the trill of that? Imagine getting everything you've ever wanted... Or at least one thing you really want... Like a child unwrapping a Christmas present he's been asking his parents for all year long... Imagine the joy, the rush, "the thrill"... Have you ever felt it?

It has happened to me a handful of times. Enough to know that it can, and it does... I'm a bit familiar with "the thrill"... Thinking about those times still gives me chills... Every now and then I get a glimpse of what God has in store for me and it's an adrenaline rush that rivals any roller coaster... I don't think there's a more powerful feeling... Except the presence of God, of course :)

Don't get me wrong, I'm not talking about the thrill of getting something temporary, something that doesn't or won't last, because once that's over, you're right where you were before... It's not "the thrill of the chase" of something to stroke your ego... It's more like knowing that this is something you could have never achieved or received on your own, but it was given to you as a gift, a miracle... by God's grace...

So what are you afraid to hope for? What are you not allowing yourself to believe in? What do you dare not think about? I was listening to one of pastor Judah's messages on God's grace, and it really blessed me when he said that sometimes we just need to get our hopes up...

In this season of Christmas, the season of miraculous grace, God wants you to experience "the thrill of hope"...

Change Ain't Change 'Till Something Changes

2008-12-06T16:06:00.000-08:00

For over 3 years now, I've been living and learning a new way of life... Everyday it seems I learn something new. I know so much, have so many resources and so much information at my disposal, yet make mistakes daily... My brain is filled with so much knowledge, common sense, reason and logic, but when my heart takes over, it all goes out the window and I don't do what I know, and even want, to do. I know it's all a part of being human, and being vulnerable to our weaknesses, but something still tells me that the power of true knowledge is the power of change. So why am I not changing? Why am I still prone to say and do stupid things everyday that afterwards make me think, Really? Did I really just do/say/write that? Why?! I know better!!! It's pretty frustrating...

The funny thing with actions/words is that once it's done/said it's over... And you can apologize until you're blue in the face, but it's already out there... the damage is done. Here's just a short list of some things I've been "learning" for what it seems like forever now and still have yet to master:

*Keeping my mouth shut (to the 10th power)

*Keeping my thoughts in check

*Not expressing every single emotion every single time I feel it

*Guarding my heart

*Letting go

I know there is a right time and a right place for everything, but how can you tell? I used to be so proud of being so open and so transparent, like an open book, because I truly have nothing to hide... I enjoy sharing my life with others (to a point) because I'm not embarrassed or ashamed of how I'm living it, but I'm also learning that, again, there's a time and place for everything, and that sometimes I actually do need to hold back, even if it's just to protect myself from doing something now that I'll be sorry for later.

Another thing I'm also learning to change is not being so hard on myself :) I hold myself to a pretty high standard, and when I mess up, I take it hard... So I need to forgive myself even when others don't...

I'm tired of always using the "learning" excuse though... I already know so much... I need to stop "learning" and start implementing! I know it's a process, and it's true, some things do take time, but I still need to "just do it".

Cheryl gave me this India Arie CD right before she left for Japan, and it's been a pretty painful thing for me to listen to for a while... Maybe I wasn't ready for it yet... Today, however, I really enjoyed it... Healing is a process, but I think it's well underway... This one song in particular stood out and really echoed what I've been going through recently:

"The Heart Of The Matter"

[originally performed by Don
Henley]

I got the call today, I didn't wanna hear
But I knew that it
would come
An old true friend of ours was talkin' on the phone
She said
you found someone
And I thought of all the bad luck,
And all the
struggles we went through
How I lost me and you lost you
What are these
voices outside love's open door
Make us throw off our contentment
And
beg for something more?

I've been learning to live without you now
But I miss you sometimes
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning them again
I've been
tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And
my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

These
times are so uncertain
There's a yearning undefined
And people filled
with rage
We all need a little tenderness
How can love survive in such a
graceless age
And the trust and self-assurance that lead to happiness
They're the very things we kill, I guess
Pride and competition cannot
fill these empty arms
And the work they put between us,
You know it
doesn't keep us warm

I've been trying to live without you now
But I miss you, baby
The more I know, the less I understand
And all
the things I thought I figured out, I have to learn again
I've been tryin'
to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my
heart is so shattered
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

All the
people in your life who've come and gone
They let you down, you know they
hurt your pride
Better put it all behind you; cause life goes on
You
keep carryin' that anger, it'll eat you up inside

I wanna be happily
ever after
And my heart is so shattered
But I know it's about
forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
Because the
flesh will get weak
And the ashes will scatter
So I'm thinkin' about
forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if you don't love me anymore
Even if
you don't love me anymore

I want to change. I want to be changed. I want things in my life to be different. I want to be different. I want the knowledge in my head and heart to bring real, lasting change to my life. Jesus, please change me...

'Tiss The Season

2008-12-03T11:59:00.000-08:00

For what?!?!?! Christmas is supposed to be this magical and enchanted season of:

*Joy
*Giving
*Generosity
*Warmth
*Family
*Friends
*Relationships
*Faith
*Hope
*Love
*Miracles

The list can go on and on... So why am I not feeling it this year? I'm listening to loads and loads of Christmas music, yet it's not sinking in. I remember last year, I was working for CG and was adamant about celebrating Hanukkah, not Christmas, still somehow the magic has crept in and it turned out to be a beautiful season in spite of all the craziness at work...

This year is quite different. It's been a rough year and I was hoping that things would lighten up by the time the holidays rolled around... Some things did get better, some stayed the same, and some got worse. You know how it is said say that things must get worse before they get better? Well, it's gotten WAY worse and I'm still waiting for the light at the end of the tunnel. What's even harder is knowing that it's your own fault... That you're the one who screwed up and are now paying the consequences.

So I was going into this holiday season full of fear that Christmas will not be a season of joy and everything listed above, but instead, of pain, brokenness, tears, sadness, loss, emptiness, loneliness, and the like... AND THEN, I realized that that's exactly the state that the nation of Israel was in right when Jesus was born... Under the oppression of the Roman empire, waiting for their miracle, their Savior, their Messiah... And He came... To bring the miracle of:

*Hope
*Faith
*Love
*Life
*Redemption
*Restoration
*Healing
*Salvation

To make all things new... That's the magic of Christmas... Embrace it, believe it, live it...

Culture Shock

2008-11-11T21:20:00.000-08:00

Something that happened last night and tonight kind of annoyed me... I guess it was getting a glimpse at the culture I used to be emerged in left me a bit shocked at just how much my life has changed.

Last night, I had to go see a doctor and as part of the procedure, I had to answer a bunch of questions given by a nurse who was just firing them off like she did it a 100 times a day. One of them caught me a bit off guard... "Do you have multiple sex partners?" I think I just kinda gave her a blank stare and very pointedly stated, "I'm abstinent." Perhaps with a bit more sass than I intended. I think even with a little pride... I guess what I found most shocking was that there once was a time where I would have answered yes to that question without even batting an eyelash. After all, sex is just sex right? Wrong.

And then tonight, as I was shopping at the mall with my two beautiful Russian girls, a guy working at Brookstone tried to pick up all 3 of us in the lamest way! He started off being really nice and really cool helping us, talking to us, and letting us play with all the amazing massage chairs. He was even somewhat cute and I liked him enough as a person where if he would have asked us to coffee, dinner, or a movie, I would have at least considered. But no, he asked us if we go to bars and clubs. Whatever gave him that idea? Just because we are 3 beautiful girls at the mall carrying VS and Express bags, doesn't mean that's our choice of entertainment. To me, if you ask me to a bar, it means "I want to get you drunk." And if you ask me to a club, it means "I want to touch you all over in the name of dancing." So when he asked us to take him somewhere that night, the eyes of my two girls were on me... Hmm... do we go to bars or clubs? "No, we go to church." I said it in a kind and non-condonesating way, and of course, gave him a touch card. Boy, was he surprised... LOL He left pretty quick and the 3 of us were a bit amused, annoyed, and well... culture shocked...

Rhyme and Reason

2008-11-05T11:45:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was a sad and frustrating day... Now that all has been said and done, here's my rhyme and reason for who, what and why:

When you're stuck between a rock and a hard place, what do you choose? I did not want either candidate to be my future president. As a conservative Republican, I was excited about McCain and Palin in the early stages of their campaign, but was quickly turned off, disgusted and embarrassed by them as it progressed... I was even neutral towards Obama until I did some research and discovered some of his personal beliefs. When it came to political issues, I agreed and disagreed with both on different things, but none of it was deal breaking. In short, this election was a lose-lose for me. I opposed both parties and both personalities, yet I needed to make a decision. I didn't want to vote for some obscure person whom nobody has ever heard of either, because I didn't want to "waste" my vote, so I needed to choose between the two... Political issues aside, it had to get personal. I couldn't vote for them as individuals, I had to vote for what they stood for. As I stood in that voting booth, it literally came down to be a matter of life and death for me... And I chose life.

Someone told me that as a woman and a teacher I had a moral obligation not to vote for McCain, but I think that especially being a woman and a teacher, never mind a follower of Jesus, I had a "moral obligation" to vote for life and family. I could NEVER vote for someone who didn't believe that each and every single life has meaning, purpose and destiny. Given a choice, I will vote PRO-LIFE every single time. Life and family are the ONLY reasons I voted McCain, because in my opinion, it was the only thing he had going for him that has put him above Obama in my eyes. He was the so called "lesser of two evils". So here are my reasons for choosing LIFE:

I have seen (and still have) videos and pictures of abortions being performed on innocent, helpless, defenseless, unborn babies (humans), and it has not only made me sick to my stomach, but outraged me to tears... I honestly do not understand and comprehend how in the world abortion is even legal... It is the most outright and cruel form of murder ever committed in numbers that are staggering... How can you call it "a right to do what you want with your body" when it's a whole separate life you are taking! Just because that life happens to be inside your body, it doesn't mean that it's yours to dispose of! Think about it... when a pregnant woman is murdered, the murderer is charged with a double homicide because in reality, he took 2 lives, not just 1! I think we play God when we decide we have the right to end a life just because we can. God is the author and the giver of ALL life, not us! Just because we can biologically create it, doesn't mean that we were behind the original design! God is the ONLY one who gives life because He has a purpose and a destiny for each life that has ever been, is, and will be conceived on this earth! If we don't value each life for what it is and see the meaning and potential of it in each person, then why bother getting upset over murder and suicide? We need to view life as a precious gift, packed with unlimited potential... It doesn't belong to us because we didn't create it...

My parents have conceived me out of wedlock, and I'm eternally grateful to my mother for not aborting me... Can you just imagine your best friend being aborted? Your husband, sister, mother, the founder of your workplace, George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, Martin Luther King, Mother Theresa... What about your own life... Imagine your own life being aborted... you can't, can you? I mean, who knows if we've already aborted the person who would have found a cure for AIDS or cancer... You, the person reading this... you're precious in the eyes of God... Your life is packed with so much meaning, so much purpose, so much potential, so much destiny... You were created for a reason and your life is a gift... Yes, you are a gift to this world... it needs you...

I love God... I love Jesus... I love people... I love LIFE... My life, your life... It's priceless because it's eternal...

For more info and statistics on abortion, click here: http://www.abortionno.org/Resources/fastfacts.html

Talking To Strangers

2008-11-03T10:10:00.000-08:00

...is something I've always been very good at :) I'm sure at some point in my childhood my mother tried to dissuade me from it, but clearly to no avail. Back in my GC cadre days, one of my leaders told me that I knew no strangers, and it was true... Every person I've encountered was a potential new friend. Somewhere along the line though, I got a case of self righteous snobbery (a common side effect to watch out for if you constantly keep yourself in a Christian bubble of fellowship). It's funny, I didn't even realize I had it until God started to rock my world during the last few months. All of a sudden I could see so much pride, selfishness, fear, and prejudice in myself, it really shook me up. What happened to me? How could I have become so judgemental, arrogant, proud, disapproving and self righteous? Sadly, I know the answer... By grace, that has changed. God has humbled me BIG TIME, reminding me once again, who He is, who I am and how much He loves me and wants to be in relationship with me.

So here's what I learned, and I've already blogged about some of this before:

*I'm no better than ANYONE by ANY means

*I know EXACTLY who I would be and what kind of lifestyle I would live without Jesus

*None of us are "worthy"

*None of us are "good enough"

*None of us "deserve" love, especially God's love

*God loves EVERYONE just as much (if not a bit more) as me

*I am who I am by GRACE alone

*There is no fear in love

*Fear is the opposite of faith

*Love is patient

*Hope doesn't disappoint

*Love never fails

* It's not about church, Christianity, or any particular pastor, leader or preacher.

*It is all about JESUS

As a result, I've met a lot of really cool people lately and opened myself up to new friendships, new experiences and a new perspective on life, God and love. I really do love Jesus, I really do love people and I really do love life :)

So in the words of Brandon Heath:

Give me Your eyes for just one second
Give me Your eyes so I can see...
Everything that I keep missing
Give me Your love for humanity

Give me Your arms for the brokenhearted
Those that are far beyond my reach
Give me Your heart for the ones forgotten
Give me Your eyes so I can see...

Last Night...

2008-10-24T13:26:00.000-07:00

...was a bit more than what I bargained for, but fun nonetheless :) Here are some memorable highlights (more for my sake than yours :P):

Me to Tembi: That was the most awkward bachata of my life!

JMC: Do you want to dance?
Me: Are you sure?

Mark to me: I saw you, what the hell were you doing?!?!

Me to Richard: You're not THAT hot!

Me: I don't need dancing shoes, I don't go that much.
Tembi: You go all the friggin' time!

Anyway, you probably don't find this as amusing as I do, but that's because you don't know me or have never gone salsa dancing with me :P Either way, there's more to it...

So yea... I had fun, stayed way too late, made new friends and saw some things in a new light... It was a spontaneously interesting night and I'm glad I went :)

The Issue of Church

2008-10-21T22:42:00.000-07:00

Lately I’ve been going to three very different church services at three very different churches. On Saturday nights I’m usually found at YP (Young Professionals), one of the City Church services, on Sunday mornings, I’m always at The Image, my home church, and on Sunday evenings I try very hard to end up at Mars Hill. All three churches are currently a part of me and each one represents a different stage of spiritual growth in my life.

City Church is my first family. I was literally born (again) and raised there. It is a perfect church for any new Christian - loving, nurturing and full of all the resources, classes and tools a new Christian needs to grow, mature and get established in the faith. It’s absolutely wonderful for building a strong, solid Biblical foundation and discovering your identity and purpose in Christ. It was there that I learned how to serve, got trained as a leader, and built many lifelong friendships. I learned about obedience, submission, true leadership, faithfulness, and purity. It was an amazing school, an ideal training ground to truly prepare me for my send off when it was time for me to graduate... And so I still love visiting YP. I enjoy being around people my own age, young professionals who love Jesus and who are my friends... It's nice to be with people who know you :)

If City was a school, Image is the workplace. It is the place I get to practice everything I've learned. I'm often challenged, frustrated and stretched to my limits (and what often feels beyond them). It's hard. Very hard at times, and I've wanted to quit on multiple occasions, but I know I'm there for a reason, and even if I am called to leave one day, that day has not come yet... Don't get me wrong, I do love The Image... I love the people, they are my new family now... And I absolutely adore my pastors, I think they are simply incredible, even if we do disagree sometimes...

I think the reason I enjoy going to Mars Hill so much is because of its stark diversity. I can picture just about anyone and everyone going there. It’s so laid back and chill, you don’t have to worry about “fitting in”. I'm not particularly fond of their rockish worship, but even that has grown on me a lot. When I'm there, I know I’m not surrounded only by Christians. While most of people who attend Mars Hill are Christian, a good portion is not. It took me a while to figure out that not everyone who goes to church is necessarily serving God. People go to church for all sorts of reasons, and I know because I used to be one of them and know many people who still are like that. Tradition, religion, friends, romantic relationships, family/peer pressure, guilt and self righteousness are just some of the things that can drive people to church. Unfortunately, attending church on Sundays doesn’t make you a Christian anymore than sitting in a garage makes you a car, especially in a big church like Mars Hill, where the controversy alone makes it a very appealing and interesting place to visit on a Sunday night when there isn’t much else to do.

It was as a pleasant surprise when God placed it on my mind and in my heart to go to Mars Hill about a month ago. I used to be a faithful Sunday night attendee there a couple of years back, but stopped going because I felt convicted to stick to my home church, and ever since then I’ve only been an infrequent visitor. Still, I LOVE Mars Hill, especially pastor Mark, whom I’ve met and admire almost as much as my own pastor. In fact, I think Mars Hill has some of the best theology teaching that I’ve ever heard anywhere.

When I went on their website to check out service times, I was once again reminded just why that place holds a special place in my heart. It’s ALL about Jesus. All the arrows, signs, messages, themes and EVERYTHING point to Jesus. I love it. What I love even more though is that it also focuses on people, culture and the city… I love the city, I love Seattle and I do not want to live anywhere else.

And so I've been going to Mars Hill for the entire Peasant Princess series so far, ever since God spontaneously brought me there the very first week it started... Random, I know, but hey, I know I need it (doesn't EVERYONE?). Once it ends, I might stop going... It's not my church home (for now), but I sincerely hope that one day it will be...

The "Parent" Experience

2008-10-20T18:32:00.000-07:00

Ever since I started nannying, I've felt like I've been going through a really bazaar "parent" experience that I was not ready for in any way, shape or form.

It started with Connor, a cute tiny little 5 month old who happened to fall in love with me and vice versa. Every time we would go out, I would get complimented on how cute “my son” looks. People would just assume he was mine, which bothered me because, as cute as he was, he wasn’t mine, and I didn’t want to be thought of as a “mother” or a single parent because I wasn’t wearing a wedding band. I’m not sure why, but I really hated the idea of random people I passed by on the street thinking this stuff about me. So I was just like, umm, thanks, but he’s not mine, so I can’t take the credit, I didn’t make him. I felt like I should be wearing a “NANNY” sign or something. Don’t get me wrong, I totally want to be a parent one day and have my own little bundle of joy to carry around and show off, but I'm pretty sure I want to be a wife first, so let's take it one thing at a time...

Fast forward to my current job: taking care of three adorable blue eyed boys who look like they could totally be mine (minus the blond hair). How many times have I been mistaken for their mom? Countless, although I’m hoping the parents at school know I’m just a nanny since the “real” mom occasionally drops off and picks up the oldest boy, Bennett. I just feel so out of place being there…at the school I mean. I see all those parents, both moms and dads in equal numbers, waiting for their kids, taking them to their classes, watching them play on the playground, and I feel so left out…Like I don't belong there... I can't even talk to them... I’m not like them… I’m not a parent… I don’t have my own flesh and blood out there on the swings…

So sure, it can be weird and frustrating sometimes, but it's also nice in a way... It gives me hope... Hope of all the wonderful things I have to look forward to... I love seeing dads with wedding bands on their left hand... It gives me hope of one day having a wonderful husband who will also be a wonderful father :) I mean they're out there... To look at the bright side, I'm getting a TON of experience, and it's not only educational, but fun :) I'm enjoying the "pretending" for now, but also definitely looking forward to the real thing ;)

I love you...

2008-10-14T22:36:00.000-07:00

I just got the new (the only?) Brandon Heath CD and at first was pretty disappointed to discover that the only song on there that I liked was the one playing on the radio… Don’t you hate that? However, after faithfully (and dutifully) listening to it a few times, a few other songs have caught my attention. They didn’t have a catchy beat and sound and were a bit more mellow than what I usually go for, but their words went deep and hit me hard. Here are the lyrics to the two that I especially liked, because they struck a cord in my heart that’s been extra sensitive lately…

Love is

Love is not proud…
Love does not boast…
Love, after all, matters the most…
Love does not run…
Love does not hide…
Love does not keep itself locked inside…
Love is the river that flows through…
Love never fails you…

Love will sustain…
Love will provide…
Love will not cease due to time…
Love will protect…
Love always hopes…
Love still believes when you don’t…
Love is the arms that are holding you…
Love never fails you…

Nothing is greater than this…
‘Cause love is right here…
Love is alive…
Love is the Way, the Truth, the Life…
Love is the river that flows through…
Love never fails you…
I’ve been dealing with love a lot lately… Faith, hope and love… Can’t have one without the others… Faith is the opposite of fear. I’m stacking all my chips against my greatest fear… I’m all in… Faith gives me hope… And love is what gives life to faith… And so I love, believe and hope…

Listen up

Listen up, listen up…
No talking…
Listen up, listen up…
I’m listening now…

Why are you crying?
Did I say something wrong?
Weren’t we just talking?
Tell me what’s going on…
‘Cuz I’m pretty sure, my intentions,
Were nothing more than conversation…

Maybe I spoke too soon,
Maybe I said too much,
I think it’s time to listen up,
I’ve already said enough….

Sometimes I do this…
Thing is, I’m so afraid…
When it gets quiet…
What you might have to say…

‘Cuz I’m guilty of overcompensation,
I’m lost in my own translation
I apologize, I know…
I don’t want a word to get in the way... of you...
I’m listening…
I think I said everything I can… maybe even too much… I’m listening now, but you’re not talking…

FREEDOM!!!

2008-10-01T22:48:00.000-07:00

My friends and I are the funnest, craziest people I know. Seriously, we have NO inhibitions! It's like, you'd think we're totally drunk, but we're completely sober. I can think of so many snapshots of us just having a blast while being ourselves and the people around us be like... OK you guys are CRAZY! Karaoke is a good place to start, but even that is kicking it up a notch. How about just hanging out downtown by the space needle and taking pictures of ourselves jumping off the fountain? Or videotaping ourselves dancing at Triple Door? Another favorite is being very animated while playing games (Jenga) at bubble tea... No matter what we do, we do it with passion, giving it our all. We are absolutely silly, affectionate, playful and fun, and we don't care :P We feel completely and totally free being ourselves 24/7 and it's fantastic!

So what's the big deal? Well, for one, I don't remember ever being able to be so free BC (before Christ) without having at least one shot of something strong in me. I've also met a lot of people who are just in awe of our freedom, but who, for some reason or another, do not possess it themselves. I've been thinking about why that is, and this is what I came up with:

* We are LOVED :) You can only love freely if you know that you are loved :) And not even necessarily by the object of your love, but loved in general. We love God, we love life, we love people and we love each other :)

* We know who we are :) Our identity lies in our creator, we know who we are, what we want and the purpose and meaning of our lives. We are secure and confident, needing no other approval than that of our Heavenly Father, and we know that we are adored by Him :)

The Bible says that where the spirit of the Lord is, there's freedom. His spirit lives inside of us, we know the truth and it has set us free even in some of the most practical ways you can think of :) It's very liberating to have the freedom to let loose, let go, and enjoy the simple things in life without worrying that you're acting like a child... It's good to be a child sometimes and know that you have the approval of your Father...

Sing like no one is listening, dance like no one is watching, work like you don't need the money, love like you've never been hurt, and live like it's heaven on earth...

Making Waves

2008-09-29T12:02:00.000-07:00

I’ve never been the one to just blend in and conform. I enjoy being different, one of a kind...controversial even. My individualism and personality have exploded since I gave my life to Jesus, which only makes sense since He is the one who created me. Ever since then, I’ve been discovering who I am, who I was created to be, my destiny, and most importantly who and what I believe in.

The latter has been shaken, stretched, tested and molded over the years, especially in the past few months as I was going through one hell of a storm that wiped away everything that wasn’t rock solid in my life. Basically it left me with nothing but unyielding faith and love for God. In the process, I’ve come to change and adjust some of my beliefs and outlooks on life, and here’s just a small taste of what I came up with:

I don’t believe in cookie-cutter Chirtianity or a God who fits neatly within three points of any given sermon. I don’t believe in formulas or principles anymore. I believe in love and I believe in grace. I believe in relationships. I believe in forgiveness, redemption and restoration of broken lives. I believe in second, third, fourth and infinite chances. I believe in patience. I believe in humility. I believe in Jesus as a person and not a product that needs to be advertised and sold at a discount price. I don’t believe that God owes us anything, but it is us who owe Him everything. I’ve discovered that it’s not about church, preachers, leaders or even theology...it’s about the love of God tangibly acted out on people and through people. It’s about serving and laying down one’s life daily. It’s a sacrifice that comes back to repay in ways never thought, imagined or expected… It’s the only thing worth living for.

Triple Door

2008-09-29T01:12:00.000-07:00

So I just got back from another super fun Sunday night at Triple Door with Mike and Ulu... I love Triple Door! Where else can you get free live music and salsa dancing in an upbeat, fun, trendy/chill environment? Here are some random thoughts before I hit the sack cuz I'm super tired...

* I hate dancing with guys who just want to show off. I will literally stop dancing with them, put my hands on my hips and be like... Are you done? It's even worse when they try some fancy stuff that I can't follow and then say something like, "Sorry, this floor is just so crowded..." No, you just suck.

* I saw a guy I once went out with tonight. I don't know if he recognized me, but he was clearly on a date so he didn't come over. It was actually pretty hilarious, they were both quite intoxicated and all over each other on the dance floor. It was very inappropriate and gross, but I got a good laugh out of it. I remember him trying to put the moves on me one time and I shut him down so fast it left his head spinning. Thank God that was the end of that. Yuk! I actually still had his number, so I texted him "Get a room!" Haha can't wait till he gets it!

* I love watching couples dance. And by couples I mean people who are "together" as in dating, married and whatnot... They have such chemistry, such fluidity on the dance floor... They are so at ease with each other and truly dance as one. It looks so good! Yet, they also make dancing look fun and playful. I love it!

* I still got it! Whatever that means... I can dance and have fun and be all hot and spicy and turn heads :) I love being a girl!

Well Deserved

2008-09-24T21:34:00.000-07:00

In light of a recent heartbreak, it seems like almost all of my (well-meaning) friends have tried to comfort me (to no avail) with the line “He doesn’t deserve you”. At the time, I think I might have managed a “yea” or an “uh huh” for a response, but now, the more I think about it, the more nauseated I become. I’m particularly sick of hearing these lines: “Wait for someone who truly deserves you,” and “You deserve better.” Better what?!?! Looks? Personality? Style? Social skills? Come on! By whose standards and who are you to judge anyway?

Now, I’m pretty great, but I’m no walk in the park by any means. I’m stubborn, sarcastic, and often in need of a filter for my blunt mouth that doesn’t know when to stay shut. I love the saying, “If you can’t handle me at my worst then you certainly don’t deserve me at my best” because that seems to be more of a case with me. Finding a guy who can “handle” me, never mind “deserve” me, would be nice…

Back to the “deserving” thing... Who is to say who deserves what and what is this “deserving” factor based on? Is it something we can earn or is it just who we are? I look at my friends’ lists of their “ideal mates” and it makes me gag. Virgin, healthy Christian family and a stable home life are just a few of the demands that I do not fit. Sure, some of them I’ve messed up by choice, but others I had no control over. Either way, it is what it is now and cannot be changed. For the longest time I used to think that I didn’t deserve a husband who was a virgin because I wasn’t one myself. Of course now I realize that’s just a bunch of crap. I look at my own list of qualities that I desire in my future mate and it’s nothing but character and personality: loving, honest, kind, witty, compassionate, responsible, sensitive, fun, smart, affectionate, intelligent, and so on. Of course at the center of it all stands one thing that defines the rest: loves Jesus. Without it, the rest cannot exist.

We do not “deserve” much of what happens to us in life, and unfortunately, some of those things have an impact on who we become. Whether or not someone “deserves” to deal and live with those implications is up to them. A lot of it is a choice, a matter of wisdom and personal decision, but not an issue of deserving. So when it comes down to it, is it standards or pickiness?

Love doesn’t judge. It doesn’t consider one to be better than the other. I don’t think any of us “deserve” love. Love is a gift that is freely given and freely received. It’s a true manifestation of grace… God’s grace. Completely and totally undeserved, unmerited, and unconditional. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: love is a decision, a commitment, a choice. It is not something to fight over, win or manipulate. So next time someone tries to “comfort” me by saying I deserve better, I’ll tell them to shut their face because if that was the case, I wouldn't deserve God's love, and neither would they.

This is too good...

2008-09-02T22:57:00.000-07:00

... to not re-post :) I have some pretty fabulous friends... Friends who are smart, deep and are a lot like me... I love reading their blogs because more often than not, they reflect my own thoughts, and these two below just nailed it right on... I don't know how that's possible, but it's true. Must be the Jesus inside of us :)

I want your flowers - Lauren

Staring at this blank screen, watching that blinking little line tell me that time is running out. Searching my soul, thinking of words to put adequately together. So here, I scan my restless mind, hoping for a revelation of some sort. But I come here with only thoughts to share. Two "phrases" come to mind: Hope, and the Present. Is it possible for the both play apart in the same lifestyle?
The past few months I have been living in the moment, only taking what comes to me, as it comes to me, only giving when the opportunity approaches to give. I accept all of life, all decisions, all thoughts shared, all love given. Living as an optimist keeping myself from thinking of the past or the future.
Then I think of you. The beautiful person you are. That in itself, puts hope inside of me. Hope for what you will discover, hope for what you will accomplish, hope for the ultimate happiness, and selfishly, hope for the day our paths cross again, the day when I can once again, be fitted perfectly in your arms. Like clay pieces that were once accidently broken, but can hold together once you place them the right way.
So, while you only think of now, I start thinking of then. With the highest of hopes, but no expectations. I hide the hope deep in my heart so it never crosses my mind. Is that cheating? Only thinking of now, but storing away the deepest desires for the future? Maybe the day will come when they are so hidden, they get lost, but still very much remain. For now, I am forced to cheat the system.
When I think about love, I think of the hope inside of my soul. That is the only glimpse into the future I look for. I cant shut my eyes to that light.

Friendship - Brandon

I think it is fun to do things for friends - especially really close friends. In 1 Samuel, David and Jonathan show a close friendship and I think it is interesting about what the Bible says about their friendship. Jonathan went completely out of his way in Chapter 23 to make sure David knew he cared. They knew at this point that they would never see each other again. That is pretty weird to me - knowing at a point of interaction that you will never...see that person again.
Jonathan encouraged David to stay true to the plan that God had for his life. THAT'S friendship. I would probably have been pretty agenda oriented with it all - looking for a way to make it all work out, in the way I thought it should.
A friend encourages you to stick to the plan. We were built for friendship. A lot of us were built for friendship to be set on fire and carry it out even more than that. Whatever the case may be - be the person that encourages others to STICK TO THE PLAN [or maybe you need to be reminded to stick to the plan]. Nothing more. Nothing less.

Heartbreaker

2008-08-30T11:51:00.000-07:00

Who, me? Apparently... Oh, the irony of it... It's tempting to just be with someone who called you "God's finest accomplishment"... Okay fine, so what he really said was I just may be God's finest accomplishment, but that's close enough :)

What more could I want? To be loved and adored by a nice Christian guy who worships the ground I walk on, loves Skillet and pretty much all the same cool Chistian music I do... True, he can't dance, but how important is that really? I mean, he even likes Pride and Prejudice! He is funny, sweet... and has been faithfully in love (infatuation) with me for well over a year...

And I just broke his heart by crushing all his hopes of us ever being together... Not in a mean way of course, and by no means on purpose, but nonetheless... Poor guy... I think he's moving on quite nicely though, judging by his MySpace... Good for him. I just couldn't do it... Couldn't settle for what I knew I didn't want, because I know what I do want...

Camping :)

2008-08-30T10:23:00.000-07:00

...in Ulu's room is the best! We watched movies (ridiculous chic flicks of course), made smores on a gas stove and perused Facebook ;) And then of course we talked about boys 'till late, late hours of the night :P It was a classic slumber party! Here are some highlights:

Ulu: "I don't want to marry any of the English princes! They are not serving Jesus!"

Princess Diaries: Queen: "Other people loose it, we are supposed to find it! People look up to us! We are held to higher standards of behavior!" Princess: "Concept grasped, execution is somewhat elusive..."

Haha, we had SO much fun!!!

So this is what we watched:

*Princess Diaries, which was charming in some ways, and oh so stupid in others... Got some great quotes out of it though... "Shut UP!!"

*Sleepless in Seattle... It was my first time watching it... It was sweet... and ridiculous... and I love Seattle :)

*Notting Hill... it was okay... I really don't like chick flicks....

Her family made us breakfast... it was good :) I love my friend :) I'm gonna miss her :(

So here's the story...

2008-08-25T19:13:00.000-07:00

So this is pretty much what happened: I fell in love... It didn't make much sense and pretty much opposed everything I believed in, but I couldn't help it. I frustrated myself, my friends, my pastors, and most of all, God's grace... As wrong as I knew it was, I still wanted it. And that just made me feel all the more guilty. So I tried to reason, bargain and overcompensate.... All to no avail. I was my own worst enemy. And then I got a "revelation" from Ulu... "Anna, don't you see how much God loves you? He won't even let you go there... Even when you want it and are willing to, His grace is protecting you by not even giving you the opportunity to fall." Literally, the next day God showed me a sign, something just between me and Him (even though some of my friends ended up being witnesses to it), that has finally set me free. And then I heard this song... and realized that this is exactly what has been going on and what God wanted to tell me...

10th Ave N "By Your Side"

Why are you striving these days
Why are you trying to earn grace
Why are you crying
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away

Why are you looking for love
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough
Where will you go child
Tell me where will you run
To whom will you run

'Cuz I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
Please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

Look at these hands and my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life
I want to give you life

Cause I, I love you
I want you to know
That I, I love you
I'll never let you go

I love finding these new, obscure "indie" Christian bands that are just so raw and real... They talk about real stuff, life as it is, the good, the bad and the ugly. Because sometimes it does get ugly. It's not always all flowers, candles and blissful Hallelujahs. Hard times do come, pain does come, tears do come... Heartbreak comes... Storms, winds, rain and earthquakes will come. It's what you do during that time that reveals who you really are, what you're really made of and what your life is built on. And it's those times that draw you closer to God than ever before... if you choose to go that way, of course... Or you can pull away and suffer alone, which I don't recommend. No matter what though, He is there, just waiting for you to let Him help you and rescue you.

Narnia

2008-08-22T00:04:00.000-07:00

I watched the first Narnia movie tonight at youth service, and it was like watching it with different eyes. It was probably my 3rd or 4th time watching it actually, so I was very familiar with the story line, but still, it was as if I was hearing and seeing everything for the first time. I think I had tears in my eyes almost the whole entire movie... I think tonight, for the first time I've picked up on scenes, undertones and lines that I've never noticed before and it took on a whole new meaning for me. Also, having watched the sequel twice already, it helped me understand it better and gave me something to compare it to. So quickly, here are some things that have really stood out for me:

* The logic of Christianity... it is SO very reasonable

*Faith. You really CAN believe

*Love and Sacrifice... They are synonyms

*Hope and trust in God :) He knows what He is doing

*The pain of betrayal... having recently experienced that, it was like salt on the wound

*We ALWAYS have a choice

*Forget the past and move on. What's done is done

*Salvation, redemption and forgiveness... It's quite beautiful

* My God is GOOD. And I love Him...

It Happens

2008-08-21T18:38:00.000-07:00

I’m a huge nerd and bookworm and a half. Really. One of my favorite places to hang out is B&N or Borders because I can just sit there all night pouring over all different books :) Ah, heaven... Of course, there’s one section in particular where I can almost always be found: Christian Inspiration. What can I say, I like being challenged and inspired by learning more about my wonderful God (and myself at the same time). I figure one can never know enough about 3 things: life, love, and oneself. Therefore, one should seek to know the creator of those things! For the same reason, I can also be found spending hours upon hours at either Lifeway or Family Christian store, spending whatever money I have on Bibles, books, journals, and music.

One particular book I have spent entirely way too much money on is my 2nd all time favorite book (right after the Bible), by one of my favorite authors: Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller. I have long since given away my worn out, thoroughly underlined, starred and highlighted copy of the book, as well as bought a copy for nearly everyone I know. The reason? It’s actually a part of the title: Non-religious thoughts on Christianity. The book is brilliantly written in such a simple, direct and open way that it absolutely disarms all readers from page 1. It’s so real, so raw and deals with such hands off topics that it’s literally a diamond in the rough. It has made me laugh, cry, and left such an impression that I felt compelled to tell everyone I know about it. I have read pretty much all other books by Donald Miller as well, and they are all outstanding, but Blue Like Jazz is a classic.

Anyway, the reason I bring it up is because I picked it up last week while I was in Lifeway, and I flipped through it until I found the part I was looking for. The part my spirit was almost craving to read, needed to see with my own eyes again to feel uplifted, inspired and encouraged... The part where Don’s friends Laura is having a conflict with giving into believing in God and her struggle with the Christian faith, and then her discovery and revelation of Jesus... The email she writes to Don, informing him of her decision to become a Christian never fails to make me choke up. And the way Don later describes what Laura went through, her simple, yet miraculously joyous “conversion” gives hope... It does happen... People do “get saved”. It happened to me, to my girls, to Imani’s co-worker last week, to an atheist Laura, and to countless of others. When they are ready, in their own time, people do come to God, and it’s AWESOME!!!

I randomly stumbled into a GC UD service two weeks ago and heard Pastor Judah speak about not shaking the fruit off the tree, but letting the seed grow, mature and become ripe before letting it fall into your hand. God’s word is good seed. When planted into people’s hearts, it will grow, sprout and then eventually produce fruit, the fruit of repentance, of acknowledging their need for God, and then that’s when salvation comes. No need to force the fruit off the tree before it’s ripe, just relax and go do stuff and live your life while the seed does its work. God saves, I don’t. I can’t, rather. I knew God wanted me to hear that message. The experience of watching someone you love and care about come to know God is euphoric... I want to experience it again rather badly, but meanwhile, I have to wait and let God take care of it in His perfect way and time. I don’t need to convict, convert and convince anyone. God Himself wants to take the credit for His word working, and I think I’ll let Him :)

A Breath of Fresh Air

2008-08-21T16:32:00.000-07:00

YESSS!!! I can finally blog!!! Sorry to have been silent for so long, it’s not that I’ve been speechless or had nothing interesting going on, but on the contrary, I’ve been so ridiculously crazy busy I’ve barely had time to even go online, never mind to actually type out and describe all the wonderful things that have been taken place in my beautiful life :) Today, however, I’ve made a commitment to spend the bulk of the day at home, resting and relaxing, writing and catching up on organizing some IG stuff. So far, after having sent off just about half of our church to the Kidz Camp early this morning, I went home and straight to bed/sleep. Let’s just say that trying to sleep with Mendel and Johnny last night proved to be a bit of a challenge. Or at least falling asleep with them was... They are just too cute! And now I’m not planning on leaving my house until our youth service, which will just be a big party/movie night, with almost all leaders gone at Kids’ Camp (A.K.A. Youth Kamp #2). I’ll be heading there to join in on all the fun tomorrow night w/ Lina. Can’t wait!!! Plus, I’m scheduled to speak on Saturday morning, so I’m PSYCHED!

I love camping, road trips and going out of town. And lucky for me, I get to do it for 3 weekends in a row! WOO HOO!!! I’m also semi-excited that the Kidz Camp is in Moses Lake, because last weekend I met someone very cool from there... Let’s just say he is the most proper guy I have ever met or talked to... I was like, are you for real? Can I meet your parents so I can salute them? I honestly didn’t think they made them like that anymore. A bit conservative, but PROPER :)

Speaking of last weekend, after the road trip to Spokane, by the time I got out of the car back at John and Vita’s house, I swore up and down that I will NEVER again go anywhere as a 5th wheel with 2 married couples. Granted, John & Vita and Dima & Marina were super sweet to me and I didn’t have to spend a dime the entire trip, but being around 2 couples for 2 whole days was beyond torture. Spending the night at the best hotel in Spokane with the bridal party and then riding around with them all morning in a stretch Hummer limo kinda made up for it though :P It was a very fun weekend and I even got a pretty nice tan in Coeur D’Alene by the lake. Andrey and Alesya’s wedding was beautiful and I loved the HOT weather and sunshine! This weekend will be camping and water park in Moses Lake and next weekend (Labor Day) I'll be camping again with all my City Church friends at Lake Wenatchee :) Bring on the smores :D!!!

At a Loss for Words...

2008-08-07T15:58:00.000-07:00

The song says it all... Thanks, Britt Nicole... "You"

"I’ve been looking for love in another’s eyes
Searching for water, but I come up dry
Thought that I could find
Happiness in the world’s applause
Peace of mind in a worthy cause
Take me back, take me back
Got to trust in the simple truth
Got to trust all I really need is
You

I’m coming back to You
The only thing I know worth living for
Will You take this heart and make it whole for You
I give it back to You
It’s obvious no one could love me more
I’m Yours
I’m coming back, yeah
I’m coming, coming back

To joy that speaks to my deepest need
To arms never far out of reach
Yeah, how Your love it
Calls to me when I lose my way
Holds me close when I feel afraid
Take me back, take me back
Got to trust that I’m safe and sound
Got to trust that it all comes down to
You

I’m coming back to You
The only thing I know worth living for
Will You take this heart and make it more like You
I give it back to You
It’s obvious no one could love me more
I’m Yours
I’m coming back, yeah
I’m coming, coming back

So no more getting caught in the middle
No more waiting for what is unsure
Back to Your love so true and so simple
Don’t understate it or complicate it
It’s so simple, yeah, it’s so simple

You, coming back to You,
I’m Yours, I’m Yours, yeah, yeah, I’m Yours,
I'm coming, coming back..."

I Live for This...

2008-08-05T12:29:00.000-07:00

This past Sunday we had a Water Baptism service for 9 of our young people, all of them graduates of the NewBe class Lina and I teach :) Needless to say, I couldn't have been more proud... Later on, in church, one of the girls sang this song, to once again vocalize the love and commitment she expressed to God earlier at the lake... It was beautiful and reminded me of my own baptism and the promise I made to God that day... The lyrics alone don't do it justice, but they do express it like nothing else...

I Live for You - Rachel Lampa

You have spoken in the sunset
You have whispered words of comfort in the wind
You know everything about me
Before my life began,
You held me in Your hand

You have walked these roads before me
You know all the pain a broken heart can bear
Won't You help me now to trust You
Every single day, I'll follow in Your way

I live for You, I live for You
When I think of all your love has done for me
I live for You
Never looking back to what life used to be
I live for You
And everything I ever thought was mine
I'd give it all away to have You in my life

I see You in the crystal waters
And I have felt You in the dark of my despair
You have shown a love unfailing
River running deep
That's welling up in me

I know it's gonna take a sacrifice
I want to see the world through Your eyes
I'll live for You the rest of my life

Before that, we also sang one of my favorite worship songs and it has stuck a place within me that is a bit weak and going through some hard things right now and really needed this confirmation of what I need to do, where my faith is, what matters, and what it is that I stand on.

Stand by everything You said
(I stand on the promises of God's Word for my life. I believe that He is more than able and willing to do everything that His Word says, in and through me)

Stand by the promises we made
(I will honor the commitment I made to God the day I got baptised. I will honor my promise to live for Him with a clean and pure conscience)

Let go of everything I've done
(Yea, I've made my share of mistakes since then, but I will let them go and move on, they do not have a hold on me and will not be repeated)

I'll run into Your open arms
(Because there is nowhere else for me to go. I will not run to a bar to ease my pain with a few shots of Tequila, nor will I run to a club to find comfort in the arms of a hot stranger. Those days are over and there is no going back. There is only one place for me to go now.)
And all I know...
(I've never been more sure of anything else)
I love You more than life...
(Because You ARE my life...)

Tricia made me listen to this last song night. She said I was being too hard on myself... I guess I do that sometimes... These lyrics are powerful though... They def broke through for me :)

Let Me Love You - Third Day

Ever since the world around you shattered
You've been looking everywhere for something more
Sometimes you feel like your life doesn't matter
But it does I tell you it does.

C'mon let Me love you now
C'mon let Me love you
And hold you through the storms
I will keep you safe and warm.
C'mon let Me love you
And kiss away your tears
I will always be here
C'mon let Me love you.

Yesterday you found your heart was broken
And tomorrow doesn't leave much room for hope.
Today you'll find that
My arms are wide open
And My heart, My heart is full of love.

Give up on all the other things
'Cause My love can bring you more
And if you take a chance on Me
I'll give you what you're looking for.

Love II

2008-08-03T23:50:00.000-07:00

So here's where it gets personal... We all love and want to be loved on our terms... My love language is Quality Time with Words of Affirmation close behind... So it would make sense then that ignoring me is the worst possible thing you can do. It cuts me like nothing else. Knowing that, I have to be careful to control my natural instinct to withdraw my time, words and attention from the people I feel ignored (unloved) by. The last couple of weeks I've been really challenged by that, and I think I've learned a lot, as well as made a few mistakes, but hey, I'm still learning about this love thing..

When our love, and the way we express it, is rebuffed, how do we react? It's easy to act up, act out, clam up, lash out, or even sell out and put out in an effort to get what we want. What happens when we get hurt, when someone breaks our heart or frustrates us and causes us pain? Do we cut the person out of our life and decide to hate them forever? One of my friends told me that when you get tired of being sick and tired... That we need to perhaps focus on the reasons why it didn't work out, why they are not right for us. So what then, should we write out a list of everything bad about the other person, everything we didn't like about them and stick it on our mirror to be read everyday until we "get over" them? Do we make ourselves hate them in an effort to stop loving them? I don't want to do that...

If that's the case and that's the way we handle feeling unloved, then maybe we didn't really love the other person to begin with... Maybe we just selfishly used them to make ourselves feel good, and when they no longer did, we disposed of the relationship because it was now causing us more pain than pleasure. It's a "normal" response, right? I mean no wonder so many relationships now never reach the altar and even when they do, half of them end in divorce. It's the "I'll love you while you make me feel loved" type of deal now, which has replaced the "For better or worse, till death do us part".

Love is a catalyst for love... Love responds to love... When someone frustrates us, it's natural to want to change them to suit ourselves, but that seldom, if ever, works... Loving them first however, continuing to love them and showing them love in their love language (not yours) even when at first they don't respond, is demonstrating real love. If they let you, that is... But that's a whole different blog...

Love

2008-08-02T12:58:00.001-07:00

So last week I finished reading an awesome book about love... I think it was by far one of the best, because it was so practical, hands on, and real... Just like me ;) The name of this fantabulous book is The Five Love Languages for Singles by Gary Chapman, and it was much better than his original one written for married couples, which I also read when it first came out. To put it simply, the book is about how to give and receive love to and from practically anyone and everyone around you. When you think about it, that is pretty stinkin' important considering how many relationships (not necessarily romantic ones) we are all in!!! What has captured me at the very beginning of the book was how the author defined love... Check this out:

"Covenant love is conscious love. It is intentional love. It is a commitment to love no matter what. It requires thought and action. It does not wait for the encouragement of warm emotions but chooses to look out for the interest of the lover because you are committed to the other's well being." p. 29

He went on to explain that the first "obsessive" stage of love (I-wanna-be-with-you-every-waking-moment-because-you-are-always-on-my-mind) usually passes within 2 years and that's when covenant (committed/bonding/a.k.a. marriage) love needs to kick in, in order for the relationship to continue. He also said something else in the beginning which cracked me up, but also made me really sad...

"You have likely invested time to learn the language of computers. If so, you have reaped the benefits. Unfortunately, most single adults know more about computers than they do about love. The reason should be obvious. They have spent more time studying computers than they have studying love. " p. 19

So basically here's the breakdown: There are 5 Love Languages (Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Acts of Service, Gifts, and Physical Touch), and each person has a primary language that they communicate and recognize love by, with a secondary language close behind. The problem arises when someone tries to communicate love to us in their own primary language, which is not our own, leaving us feeling unloved and the other person frustrated because they feel like their language of love is not reciprocated, unacknowledged and unappreciated. And the miscommunication begins... Sad... And totally unnecessary... When we choose to love the other person, we choose to speak their love language, making them feel loved, and therefore having them love us in return... It's a cycle of love... Ok, so maybe not that cheesy, but just go ahead and read the book, I promise you won't be sorry :)

Airports

2008-08-01T00:30:00.000-07:00

I picked up my mom from the airport the other day, and as I was waiting for her both in the terminal area as well as baggage claim, I kept seeing families, friends, and loved ones being reunited as they practically ran towards each other, laughing, hugging, kissing, jumping up and down, and doing all sorts of things in their euphoric excitement. It was such an encouraging and joyous sight that I couldn't help but smile and laugh myself.

Sometimes I wonder if that's what heaven will be like... Happy reunions of family, friends and loved ones, all back in each other's arms again, just waiting for each other at the "terminal"... I think it will be just like that... When the only tears that will be cried are tears of joy. I wonder though, if we will miss the absence of other loved ones who won't be there... It hurts too much to think about it though. All I know is, I hope and pray to see everyone I know there and spend an eternity with them.

I remember quite a different sight when I was dropping my mom off 3 weeks before. Saying good bye at a security checkpoint was a young Asian couple; Japanese, I'm guessing. They were clearly very much in love as both was crying uncontrollably. He was leaving, she was staying. It was such a heartbreaking scene... My heart went out to her... I just wanted to embrace her and hold her and comfort her letting her know it was gonna be ok, but I couldn't... I've been to Japan and I know the Japanese culture, particularly how men (very much like Russian men) are not supposed to show emotion, especially tears. So to see this young man cry so hard meant a lot... I really hope that they will be reunited soon, because I can already imagine what a happy reunion that will be...

I hate good byes... with a strong passion. I cry when people die, move, and leave my life in other ways. Maybe because I truly understand the value of a human life and the preciousness of real friendships and love... I can't stand loosing what's important to me... I hate dropping people off at the airports... Love picking them up, but absolutely hate dropping them off... Reunions are far better than good byes...

Brad Who?!?!

2008-07-27T13:02:00.000-07:00

While the world may have an obsession with Brad Pitt (can't imagine why), there is another Brad out there... A Brad with a rock solid marriage, brains, talents, personality, stand up character, a big heart, a sense of humor and good looks than can easily put Brad Pitt to shame. I'm talking about Brad Paisley, one of my all time favorite country artists. Even if you hate country music, this guy is truly something to admire. I've discovered him in college thanks to his extremely funny and witty song lyrics that are very catchy, to say the least, and tender love songs that will bring tears to the eyes of any romantic. I don't care who you are, I guarantee that this guy will crack you up and then move you so deeply you'll be like, what just happened?

When I went to his concert, one of my very first country music concerts, I was amazed by how down to earth and real this guy was. Not to mention crazy FUN!!! I absolutely love how he can poke fun at just about anything, especially society and pop culture. Take his songs "Celebrity", "Alcohol", and "I'm Still a Guy" just to name a few.

"I can make anybody pretty
I can make you believe any lie
I've been known to cause a few break ups
I been known to cause a few births
I've been making the bars lots of big money
And helping white people dance
I got you in trouble in high school
But college, now that was a ball
You had some of the best times
You'll never remember with me
Alcohol"

"'Cause when you're a celebrity
It's adios reality
You can act just like a fool
People think you're cool
Just 'cause you're on TV
I can fall in and out of love
Have marriages that barely last a month
When they go down the drain
I'll blame it on the fame
And say it's just so tough
Being a celebrity"

"You’re probably thinkin' that you’re gonna change me
In some ways well, maybe you might
Scrub me down, dress me up
Oh, but no matter what
Remember, I’m still a guy
Well, love makes a man do some things he ain’t proud of
And in a weak moment I might
Walk your sissy dog
Hold your purse at the mall
But remember, I’m still a guy
And I’ll pour out my heart
Hold your hand in the car
Write a love song that makes you cry
Then turn right around
Knock some jerk to the ground
‘Cause he copped a feel as you walked by
These days there’s dudes gettin' facials
Manicured, waxed, and botoxed
But with deep spray on tans and creamy lotioney hands
You can't grip a tackle box
Yeah, with all of these men linin' up to get neutered
It’s hip now to be feminized
But, I don’t highlight my hair
I’ve still got a pair
Yeah, honey I’m still a guy
Oh, my eyebrows ain’t plucked
There's a gun in my truck
Oh Thank God, I’m still a guy"

Come on, how can you not love this guy? His lyrics are so funny and so real and while at times he may even poke fun at love, this guy knows its true meaning... Unlike so many other artists who sing about love, but in reality are just going from one bed to another, this guy is happily married and his songs are about his wife, demonstrating love in its proper context. Maybe that's why his love songs are the best... They are pure, sweet and heartfelt...

"She's a yellow pair of running shoes,
A holey pair of jeans.
She looks great in cheap sunglasses,
She looks great in anything.
She's I want a piece of chocolate,
Take me to a movie,
She's I can't find a thing to wear,
Now and then she's moody.
She's a soft place to land,
And a good feeling knowing.
She's a warm conversation
That I wouldn't miss for nothing,
She's a fighter when she's mad
And she's a lover when she's loving.
And she's everything I ever wanted
And everything I need,
I talk about her, I go on and on and on.
'Cause she's everything to me.
She's a bubble bath and candles,
Baby come and kiss me,
She's a one glass of wine,
And she's feeling kinda tipsy.
She's the giver I wish I could be
And the stealer of the covers,
She's a picture in my wallet
Of my unborn children's mother.
She's the hand that I'm holding
When I'm on my knees and praying,
She's the answer to my prayer
And she's the song that I'm playing.
Everyday that passes I only love her more
Yeah, she's the one
That I'd lay down my own life for.
And she's everything I ever wanted
And everything I need.
She's everything to me,
Yeah she's everything to me"

One things this guy never really pokes fun at though, is the real meaning of life. I think that's why I respect him so much. Christian or not, he seems to grasp the importance of people and that that's what life is really about. This one song never fails to touch me...

"Those leaves were a foot deep in the yard
And 'wash me' was written all over the car
Watchin' movies all day with you
Wasn't on my list of things to do
But we laid on that couch
Girl, we never left the house
It was time well wasted
And there's no way
I trade a few more things that
I could've crossed off my list
For a day I'll never forget
No, I didn't get a thing done
But I sure soaked up every minute of the memory we were makin'
And I count it all as time well wasted

This world spins too fast if you let it
There's always one more thing to do
But lookin' back I never have regretted
Takin' off early or callin' in sick
Or lovin' away a Sunday afternoon
I count it all as time well wasted"

Ok so by now I hope you're all running out to get all of his CD's lol j/k. For real though, I'm very careful about the people I let speak into and influence my life and that goes for books, movies and music as well. I only respect, admire, and listen to authors and artists who have their personal life together, and if they don't, I don't want them to teach me anything, because in the end, I don't want to end up like them. So yea... choose your celebrities and heroes wisely, kids ;)

The Summer of Good Bye's...

2008-07-25T23:22:00.000-07:00

This summer sucks... It seems like I'm loosing close friends left and right. Last summer Ulu moved to Hawaii and I cried my eyes out... This summer she is moving to London... I just said a final bye to Cheryl who is moving to Japan for a year... Tricia is moving to D.C. and one of my best guy friends got married! These people are among my closest friends and we have shared a LOT together. Ulu and I had countless heart to heart talks and U Village dates. Cheryl and I spent numerous hours at her apartment, exploring Seattle and cooking together (actually she just cooked for me), Tricia knows me inside and out and is my ultimate dance, make up and "keeping it real" buddy, and of course I'll never forget how Ben was there for me when some boy broke my heart last spring... These people are my best friends and I love them SO much and now I feel like I'm loosing them! And this is all happening so fast, so all together...

I know they will still technically be in my life and we will still be friends and we can keep in touch and that this is God's plan for their life and all that good stuff, but it doesn't make me feel much better. I'm happy and excited for them, but I will still miss them SO much! I know I will see all of them again, but what if I still need them in my life right now? I know I'm super blessed with many other friends and I'm close with a lot of them as well, but these 4 were special... They are like my family... They understand me, they know me... They can read me and call my bluff and comfort me and love me and just be there for me. I can't meet Ulu at B&N if she's in London... I can't go to Pike Place with Cheryl if she's in Japan... I can't cry on Tricia's shoulder if she's in D.C., I can't drop by Ben's apartment if he's married...

There's actually a 5th friend whom I lost this summer as well and the combination of it all makes all of this extra hard. Loosing the people you love sucks big time... It just hurts like nothing else... I've never been good at letting people go... Never been good at giving up on them, never been good at saying good bye... Some things I just don't want to learn.

Part II

2008-07-21T14:56:00.000-07:00

God really drove His point home this weekend... You know how when you keep hearing the same thing over and over again from different sources it just confirms it? Well that's what's been happening the last 2 days. I went to Shabbat on Saturday (I haven't been in months) and Ronnie was talking about not being equally yoked, of all things! I talked to him after the service and was just like, what even made you talk about it today of all days? His answer: God... Go figure... So I told him a bit of what's been going on with me and he just confirmed what everyone else has been saying.

God's grace has been unbelievable so far...

Yesterday, Sunday, church was unbelievable... John was talking about God's grace and how He is the one who is after us, how He is even more excited about us than we are about Him, how He loves us so much more than we can even imagine, how He just wants our hearts, how He's after our hearts and will do anything to be in relationship with us, have our worship and have us understand His grace.

I finished the book last night, and that's where I got somewhat stumped... As I reached the end of it, it wasn't what I expected... 33 chapters of how it could never be and the 34th of how it can... The last chapter was completely different from all the rest and even made me wonder if the author was aware it was there... As I kept reading and re-reading it, I almost felt mocked... How can a situation be so similar, yet so different... how can the seemingly impossible still come to pass? I know it's happened before, I've heard and read stories about this "exception to the rule", and here was perhaps the most beautiful one of them all... Why give me this glimmer of hope after going through the entire book and accepting the seemingly inevitable? Because God is good, and if He wants to, He can... I'm still not sure what to make of this chapter... I don't want false hope, and that is why my hope is in God alone, not in the chance that things might work out. Either scenario won't change my relationship with Him, and I think that's the place where He wants my heart to be regardless of the outcome.

Movie, Book, and a Wedding

2008-07-18T23:43:00.000-07:00

Monday:

Cheryl convinced me to watch "The Story of Us" at her house. Her exact words were. "You'll love it!" I didn't. Don't recommend it at all, as it was pretty awful... Basically, it was about a marriage gone bad (the husband and wife were clearly not Christian, duh!) and how in the end they finally saw each other from the other's perspective, but yet nothing got resolved. Sorry, but I disagree that love is enough to make a relationship work. Love needs to be backed up by a commitment, which ideally should be rooted in a relationship with Christ. Pride and Prejudice still stands alone as my ultimate relationship movie because of its sweetness, innocence and purity, without all the yelling and profanity which I just can not stand. In the end, it just showed the kind of marriage I NEVER want to have. Relationships are hard enough as it is... Being in one without God is downright impossible.

Thursday:

Before I left Cheryl's on Monday, I took a few books from her that I wanted to read, one of them being Quest for Love: True Stories of Passion and Purity by Elisabeth Elliot, the author or Passion and Purity. I obviously didn't realize that, or else I wouldn't have taken the book... I only took it because I thought it would be filled with a bunch of cute, sweet, heartwarming love stories to make me feel all good and fuzzy inside... Boy, was I dead wrong! There is absolutely NOTHING cute about that book! It is a HARD read! Quite frankly, I'm not sure I want to meet this lady... I haven't read Passion and Purity for a reason... I've been scared to... Well, I got a good dose of its medicine with this book and boy, oh boy, was it needed... I got slapped BIG TIME! I finally got around to reading the book Thursday morning, and as I told Cheryl later on that evening, I was perfectly happy before I opened it, but by the third chapter or so, it was like buckets of ice cold water were being poured over my hot sun drenched skin. It hurt that bad... I was in shock, in tears, full of pain, anguish, and disappointment in myself as I finally saw what I was doing from God's perspective and was faced with an ultimatum: either to obey once and for all, suffering temporary pain or bear consequences of a more serious nature than just a broken heart.

Granted, the book is old and its author even older, with most of the stories taking place in the 18 and 19 hundreds and having to do with missionary couples. As irrelevant as some stories were to my contemporary life, the timeless principles still stood. There were also enough current examples to show me that I wasn't the first one to make these mistakes, and make me realize that my situation was not an exception to the rule. So yea... it was so blunt and so clear... LOL, I guess God got tired of me going back and forth on this and decided to set me straight... very firmly. Every love story is different while every heartbreak story is usually the same... you can see it coming a mile away. When God's basic principles of male/female relationships are broken, a happy ending is no longer a possibility. Now that I look back, I see that I broke the most basic principles right from the beginning... bending them little by little until they snapped one by one. My "passion" got the best of my "purity" and I've been stifling God's whisper in heart informing me of a way of escape because I couldn't bear the thought of giving up what has come to be so dear to me. Well now the whisper has turned into an undeniable shout. There's really only one way to deal with a tangled mass of confusion... As I poured my heart out to God in sorrow and repentance, my prayer was, "Lord, if it is Your will, I know You can make it happen in Your time under different circumstances, and I would love that, but if not, please remove it from my heart and life forever."

Friday:

I've been looking forward to Brian and Melissa's wedding for a while now... Mostly because I know Brian and well, I've been close with Melissa ever since she moved here and started coming to YP. I remember all the times we talked on the phone and hung out and discussed boys ;) I remember standing in the card isle at Safeway when she called me freaking out because Brian asked her out for the first time right in front of a guy she was "in love with" at the moment. I remember her telling God that He's got the wrong guy and Him in return responding, no, I've got the RIGHT guy, it's you who has the WRONG one. I just love their love story... It's quirky, funny, and very sweet... I'm so happy for them... Their story is a true testimony of God's involvement and faithfulness in the most intimate areas of our lives... He is SO GOOD!!!

Wait For It...

2008-07-14T13:29:00.000-07:00

So yesterday God taught me another cool lesson :)
I was meeting some friends for lunch after church at Mill Creek Town Center, but there was some festival going on, so Main Street was blocked off and traffic was horrible! People walking around everywhere and absolutely nowhere to park. I was following some friends and after driving around for about half an hour I just got so frustrated and annoyed that I was like, forget it, I don't even want this anymore, and left. They called me up later telling me they found parking and were inside, but I was already pretty far so I said, oh well, sorry, maybe next time. Later, as I was going through a drive through (I won't tell you which one :P), the line was taking forever, and again, I was just ready to give up and say, forget it, I don't even want this anymore, I'm gonna go get something else, because I didn't want to wait. I stuck it out though and finally after getting food I went to the park to lie in the sun and wait for John and Vita to finish whatever they were doing so that I could go to camp with them. Again, as I was waiting, I was getting frustrated and impatient thinking about other things I could be doing and other people I could be with (YP BBQ). I was just about to say, forget it, I don't even want to go to camp anymore, when God spoke to me... Wait for it. Excuse me, Lord? If you wait for it, you'll get it. Get what? The parking spot, the drive through food, going to camp... whatever...

Sometimes when we want something and it doesn't come easily to us, we have to wait for it. We may be ok with waiting for a little bit, but if it gets too long we think about all the other things we are missing out on in the meantime. The frustration of waiting can even cause us to no longer want the thing we are waiting for, as we are ready to quit and go after something different, something easier to acquire. Meanwhile, if we just wait, eventually we will get it... When God promises us something and we don't get it right away we all too eagerly walk away from it, thinking it will never come, and therefore missing it. If I didn't drive away, I would have eventually found a parking spot as my friends did. If I would have got out of the drive through line, I wouldn't have gotten my food, and if I didn't wait for John and Vita I wouldn't have gone to camp and gotten ridiculously blessed :) True, there are always alternatives, but they are not what you really originally wanted and may not be what God has for you. Wait for it... just wait for it. Seems so simple, yet so hard especially when you don't see the end of waiting in sight, but it is there, and if you wait, you will get what you're waiting for, but if you walk away pursuing other things, you won't get it. And then we can't say, see, I didn't get it! Of course you didn't get it! You didn't wait for it! It was on it's way to you!

Patience is not one of my strong virtues, but it's something God is working on in me. Love is patient... I've always wondered why patience was first on the list of love's attributes, and now I think I know... Love knows how to wait :)

3 Days of Love

2008-07-14T11:35:00.000-07:00

Friday: Ben and Laura's Wedding:

It was by far the most beautiful, holy, pure, sweet, innocent wedding I have ever been to. Now, I go to Christian weddings all the time. In fact, I've only been to a couple of non-Christian weddings so far and let me tell you, they can't even hold a candle to the purity of love that I see in my friend's faces when they acknowledge, in front of all their guests, that it was God who brought them together and that it is their individual love for Him that their love for each other is based on.
Ben - I'm so happy for him and so very proud of him. I respect, honor and value him a great deal as an amazing friend. He has been there for me so many times and we have had a lot of fun together. He is truly a man of God, above reproach and he really does deserve Laura :)
Laura - I'm in awe of this girl's purity and how she has kept not only her body, but her heart untouched and whole for Ben. She has made sure that Ben would be the only man to not only have her body but her heart as well, and I salute that. She is a real gem and I couldn't have picked a more perfect girl for Ben :)

Saturday: Jamie and Kwadwo's Engagement Party:

Kwadwo is the one who introduced me to Ben, and I knew Jamie from the GC Dance Team. I loved them both dearly and knew they were good friends, but never ever thought they would end up together. In fact, I remember the day Kwadwo told me that he has asked Jamie to be his girlfriend I was shocked. Happy for them, but still very surprised. Now, of course, I can't imagine them with anyone else :) They are so clearly ridiculously in love, it's beautiful! A little different from Ben and Laura, but just as pure. They are a very fun couple and I love being around them. Their favorite activity is making out lol and I salute that too :P

Sunday: Image Youth Camp:

During the pre-service prayer, we were instucted to pray with one other person, so I grabbed Nathy, one of my newer girls, and started praying for her. As I was praying, we both started crying and as I was just speaking into her life, it hit me: Wow, I really love this girl... No surprise there, because prayer really bonds people together. That's why couples are discouraged from praying together until they are at least engaged and married couples are encouraged to pray together as often as they possibly can. The reason I'm so close with so many of my friends is because we are constantly praying with and for each other. When I'm praying with someone, that's when the love and the passion come and often, that's when the tears come.
At the end of service, as John was wrapping up, Sveta and I were sitting at the altar together, just holding each other and crying together, praying for each other and speaking into each other's lives. It was powerful :P She later told me that during this time she just felt such a compassionate love for the youth, like she was ready to lay her life down for them... I welcomed her to the club :) I really am ready and willing to lay my life down for my church, my pastors, my girls, my friends, my ministry... That's love... God's love poured out in our hearts... Supernatural, unconditional love... Love that conquers all.

(Un)Qualified

2008-07-09T22:38:00.000-07:00

I have to say I've been thoroughly enjoying the job search process. I don't think I've ever wanted to work this bad :P! Right now I'm at a point where I'd highly appreciate having a job... ANY job! Meanwhile, God has been using this time to teach me some very profound concepts, one of which hit me especially hard today.

While browsing numerous ads and reading countless job descriptions I've found myself thinking one of two things. Either "Oh, I can totally do this!" or "Umm... I don't think I'm qualified for this." The jobs that I considered myself qualified for consisted mostly of things that I've done before and was very comfortable with, and the jobs that intimidated me into deeming myself unqualified consisted of duties that I've either never done before or haven't done enough to feel comfortable doing. Makes sense right? I was scared to apply for and take on a job where I stood a chance of failing. And then it hit me today as I was driving around different Starbucks' dropping off my applications and talking to managers, I CAN LEARN!!!

At some point or another all of us were "unqualified" for our current position. We didn't always have the knowledge, skills, abilities and experience that we do right now. We've all had to learn, both through theory and hands on experience in order to be successful. I would have never imagined myself doing some of the things I'm doing right now and have done in the past, and I'm pretty proud of everything I've learned along the way. Sometimes I don't think I give myself enough credit concerning what I'm really and truly capable of doing.

When communicating with perspective employers, I think the most crucial thing to convey about yourself is that you are teachable and willing to learn. I remember a while back Vik told me I was unteachable. I got pretty upset with him... "What are you talking about I'm unteachable? I'm a teacher!" It was so true though... I was so proud and arrogant I thought everything I touched turned to gold and no one could tell me I was wrong or correct me. Let's just say I've been humbled since then :)

Where there's a will, there's a way... If you want something bad enough, you'll do whatever it takes to get it, there's no such thing as "unqualified" or "unable". So I guess the question with me in my job search wasn't whether or not I could perform certain job tasks but whether or not I wanted to learn to perform them... Our desires compel us to do all that we do. True, there are many things that hinder us from following through, but in the end, it's always up to us, we are in control of our own destinies...

Weight Shift

2008-07-07T12:37:00.000-07:00

This weekend was rough. I haven't been shaken up like this in a long time... I thought the good times would outweigh the bad, but I really had to battle it out... In the midst of it, God showed me who and where I would be without Him and it honestly scared the crap out of me... I'm clinging to Him with all I've got because there's no way I'm going back.

So on Saturday I came home around 5pm and I was just supposed to shower, change and meet back up with my wonderful, amazing, super loving fun friends, but because I've been running on very little sleep lately, I was really tired, so I decided to lie down for a while and take a nap. Well, I didn't get any rest, because once again, my mind was bombarded with thoughts and memories and being a creative person, I was creating things and images in my mind that were pretty much tearing me up :(... So I was just lying in bed, torturing myself with these thoughts, getting all sad and teary eyed and then it hit me, or I should say God hit me with a "Holy Spirit slap": WHAT THE HECK AM I DOING?! I am NOT gonna allow myself to get depressed!!! I could feel it creeping up on me, trying to overwhelm me and it totally scared me! I was like, oh heck no, no way! I've been there, done that, and NEVER AGAIN! It shocked me in such a way that I literally jumped out of bed and into the shower! I couldn't get it off me and get away from it fast enough lol. And then I called my friends with "Where are you? What are you doing? I'm coming!" On my drive over to meet with them God showed me such a clear picture of who and where I would be if I allowed myself to wallow in depression over what was going on that it literally freaked me out. I couldn't thank God enough for saving me from myself...

Yesterday, on Sunday, church was so stinking powerful... We had communion and John was calling out people who have been going through attacks that have been undermining their strength and faith. At that point I didn't care that I was a leader, pastor's assistant, teacher, whatever! I could care less who was looking and what people thought, I was the first one to step out and come forward. I wanted to be free from the crap that was weighing me down. The only place I want to cry at is at the altar. I feel safe there, surrounded by people who love me and want to pray for me. If there's anything at all that I learned from John, it's to be open, honest, personal and transparent. And it starts at the altar.

Later on that evening I was hanging with my City Church friends after seeing WALL-E with them, and my friend Renee's mom was there. That lady is so sweet, such a blessing from God in my life! She could tell that something still wasn't sitting right with me, so she took me aside, and the first thing she told me was, "You're really special." I was like, thanks, I know, but it doesn't make me feel better. So we talked and I more or less told her what was on my heart. So she ministered to me in her sweet motherly way, reminding me not to hold on to the grief and the sadness, but give it to God. Weight Shift, Pastor Judah preached about it at YP last fall...

So that's my story. I feel so human sometimes, like I really am susceptible to all this bad stuff if I allow myself to get sucked up in it. The difference is, I don't want to, and the power I have on the inside won't let me. I just submit myself to God and He won't let me go out of His will for my life. I may be barely hanging by a string at times, but I've got nowhere to fall except His loving arms :) He's really got me, even when my whole world is spinning out of control, I'm safe in Him... I trust Him... He's faithful...

My Portfolio

2008-07-03T11:26:00.000-07:00

Up until sometime in college, I had no idea what a portfolio was. I mean I knew it was a folder with some sort of documents, but I had no idea what (older) people meant when they were talking about their "portfolio". It was always puzzling to me how they would brag about it without ever actually saying what was in it. Of course now I know that they were talking about their financial investments portfolio and how much money they had in stocks, bonds and other "stuff". I'm still pretty clueless when it comes to investing, and being 25 I realize that's not good. I tried to have a financial advisor and that lasted for about 6 months or so, but then I kinda let it go because, let's face it, in order to invest money, you have to actually have money. So I haven't really thought about it much... until last night. At our leaders class, John mentioned the parable of the talents (money) and how different servants were, and were not, investing them. And then he pointed out something that made an impression on me. Whenever God talked about investment or investing, it always had to do with people. We don't invest in money, we invest in people. We don't use money for money, we use money for people. People matter, money doesn't. People leave legacies, money doesn't. People last, people make a difference, people are remembered... money is just a tool that should be used for people, not more money or things.

So I've been somewhat out of work for almost 2 weeks now... I haven't made much money, but how many people have I talked to, met with, touched, and helped? While my "financial" portfolio is virtually non-existent, I can look at my "people" portfolio and smile... I know that I am making an eternal difference that will live on long after my bank account and I are gone. Don't get me wrong, I am not diminishing the importance of having a financial portfolio, we need to be financially smart and savvy and prepared and I really need to get on top of that pronto, but I'm just clarifying the priorities that I personally have when it comes to that stuff :)

Reflections of a Bridesmaid...

2008-07-01T20:55:00.003-07:00

This Saturday I was in my first wedding :) Ok, so not "my" wedding, but I was a bridesmaid for two of my good friends, Dima and Marina. It was quite an exciting experience and I'm glad I was there to get an inside look at their big day :) For the most part, it was a blast! It just so happened to be the hottest day and we were out in the sun for a good part of the morning/afternoon, so I did get a little burned, but it was worth all the fun we had! My feet totally killed after walking in heels for hours on the the most unfriendly terrain for killer pictures (I friggin' had to rock climb in heels!) and I was in serious need of bandaids by reception time, but I still danced with Dimka and it was awesome!!!

So without further delay, here are some highlights of things that made an impression on me:

*The guys really took care of us, girls :) I don't know if it's a Russian thing or not, but all the guys were really looking out for the girls. From the moment they arrived to pick us up in the limo they were being so sweet, telling us how beautiful we looked, buying us iced coffee when we got too hot during the phone shoots, carrying us, helping us, holding our hand when we were walking, serving us at the reception, helping us in and out of the limo, holding our flowers for us, it was so chivalrous, I literally felt like a princess the whole time :) My groomsman was a real prince considering he did my hair that morning as well :) I heart my Dimka!

*I'm not gonna lie, I loved having pictures of me taken all day :P Russians are picture crazy :) And we took the funnest pictures in the coolest places... we were just hanging out at the Space Needle, walking around and they let us go on the carousel for free... it was so fun!

*Dima and Marina are the cutest, sweetest couple ever!!! I'm so happy for them :) I remember when I met them at camp, I thought they were way too crazy about each other...but their 3+ year relationship has been nothing but pure (at least on Marina's part anyway :P) from the beginning. They did it the right way and are now enjoying what they've waited for ;) It was so funny, right after the marriage ceremony at the church, as soon as they got back in the limo they started making out! We were all like, guys, save it for later, and they were like, no, we've waited long enough lol, it was so funny yet so sweet and innocent because it was so pure... Throughout the entire week before the wedding, and the entire day of the wedding, all Dima could talk about was finally having sex lol even though he was half joking and half serious, I give the guy LOTS of credit... he did wait for the girl for 3 years... And on their wedding day he literally carried her in his arms the whole time :) It was super sweet... And when they were saying the vows they wrote for each other not a single eye was dry in the church... So yea... it was worth it...

So what else...? It was really weird being in the wedding, seeing everything that happens behind the scenes, all the work, the preparations, the stress... it was interesting... It was fun being a part of it, I think I'd def want to do it again :)

Taking one for the team

2008-06-30T23:46:00.000-07:00

I absolutely love being a leader/mentor/teacher, whatever you wanna call it... I love my girls (and a few unofficial guys lol), but the last few weeks have not been fun... Two Sundays ago I was talking with Pastor John about an issue I was having with two of my girls and he just laughed as said, "Anna, do you think God is working on your girls right now? He's really working on you!" I was like, "I know..." Well at least then I thought I knew... now I really know and quite frankly, I don't like it one bit. It's been escalading daily and finally peaked today, but now I think I got it...

So since I haven't been working the last week or so, I've been keeping pretty busy with church stuff and mostly my girls... Meeting with them and talking with them and all that good fun stuff. Well, I've been having a hard time with some of them who are going through a rough time right now... Pretty much all in one area... Yup, you guessed it... Why is it always that? So they are crying and freaking out and I'm like, Lord, how can I help them when I'm barely hanging on myself? And in other areas as well... I feel like everything they are going through, I'm going through as well, even if I've never had to deal with any of it before. So I'm like, Lord, what gives? Do I really need to relate to them like that? I mean, I love being able to hold them and cry with them and say I know, I understand, I've been there, I'm going through it too, I've had to deal with that too, I know it's important for me to be able to really understand them in order to help them, but at my own expense? Isn't what I've been through in my past enough? Apparently not... I find that the things that frustrate me about my girls and that they are struggling with are coming up in my own life as well now... and I'm like, why am I having to deal with this?

I was talking to Svetik yesterday and after I told her everything she asked me if I still want to be a pastor... I do... But God still has to do a lot in my life before then... On Sunday John said that before God will do anything in the lives of people we are praying for He has to do it in us first... And so He is. It's hard. It's stretching my faith. It's painful at times... and more than anything, it makes me feel so weak, so human, so helpless and inadequate... And I know that's the point... I can't rely on myself, because I simply don't have what it takes and by myself I will always fall short, but His strength is made perfect in my weakness... So in the end, I'll be ok, He's got me :)

Unwritten

2008-06-10T19:09:00.000-07:00

Two Fridays ago I showed The Dead Poets Society to a middle school English class I subbed for, and it got me thinking... Middle school must be the time everyone is introduced to poetry... I think it's like in the national middle school curriculum for English or something...

I remember being introduced to structured poetry in 7th grade and free verse poetry in 8th grade... That's when I first started writing... I remember it was so simple, so childish, mostly about love and middle school heartbreak and relationships. Cute, but not very good. I continued writing in high school and it got a little deeper, but was still mostly about love and romance and whatnot, with a little life mixed in. My friends would ask me to write for them. I was proud of my work then, but looking back at some of it now, I cringe. In college, I wrote sporadically. Only when I had to at first, but as I started journal writing, more and more poetry flowed out... I still have all of it, on various web pages, in journals and in my mind. It was good and got better with time, but 99% of it was sad... True, I've always written out of personal experience and such was my life back then... Sad... painfully, heartbreakingly sad... And downright depressing at times. Since college, I've only written a handful of poems, concentrating my writing on journaling instead. These past week though, has been soaked in poetry.

Ever since watching the movie, I've been thinking about poetry, what inspires it, the beauty of it and the art of teaching it. I've even written some short pieces in my spare moments, all too personal to share... And last week, my 3 English classes went to a poetry workshop presented by Youthspeaks Seattle, which was more than inspiring. During the workshop, we not only got to listen to some amazing spoken word presented in a powerfully moving way, but we were actually taken through some writing exercises that have caused us to produce our own masterpieces. Here are some of mine:

Respect

Reach out and touch a life
Each person has a destiny and a purpose
See the potential in yourself and others
Practice on purpose that which you wish to perfect
Enjoy your life and the people in it
Connect the dots to see the whole picture
Teach and live change

Giving Respect

Holding on to your every word
Keeping my eyes on yours the whole time
Not wanting to miss a single breath, a single sound, a single moment
My own breaths stops, my heart skips a beat, I'm frozen in time
My mind racing, trying to take it all in
Trying to comprehend, to relate, to imagine
Pictures in my mind, colors, faces, emotions
Tears welling up in my eyes
I feel hot, the heat is rising
I hear your voice, I feel Your presence, I am overwhelmed
Your truth opens my eyes, my heart receives it, I'm set free

Concrete Image

My happiness is pure sunshine
My annoyance is a sharp needle prickling at my skin
My excitement is fireworks going off on 4th of July
My anger is a raging fire blazing out of control
My pride is a soldier returning home from war
My frustration is traffic, being stuck with no way out
My satisfaction is comfort food after a long day
My shock is a blast of ice cold water on my fresh out of the tanning bed hot skin
My rejection is a slammed door
My surprise is colorful confetti falling down all around
My numbness is a blank stare, expressionless, full of nothing
My joy is the laughter of children, full of bright innocence
My emptiness is a dry well, dead and lifeless

"The rest is still unwritten.." ;) I'm working on more stuff I can actually share :)

Through Hell and High Water

2008-06-10T11:53:00.000-07:00

So the last month or so has been interesting... I have experienced some of the highest highs, but also some pretty low lows... It's been quite a learning experience to say the least... As Renee would put it, I was being pruned. The exhilarating moments gave me glimpses of my future to look forward to, while the low lows have humbled me like never before... I still make mistakes left and right though :P Thank God for grace to cover my weakness with His strength :) I think I've finally learned to embrace it...

I'm glad it's all coming up on me little by little, or else I wouldn't be able to bear it... The good and the bad... I'm glad God's timing is perfect in all things and I trust Him with timing all areas of my life just right ;) As much as I want complete relief all at once right now, Him giving me just enough to get me through each day and having to trust Him for the rest has been stretching and growing my faith, teaching me invaluable lessons I'll hold on to for the rest of my life.

This long term subbing experience reminds me so much of my student teaching, it almost mirrors it... I love it... I'm covering for an amazing teacher who is out on pregnancy leave, and she has been super wonderful, helpful and supportive the whole entire time. The rest of the school staff is just as amazing, including the principals who absolutely love me... not to mention the secretaries :P Last night I was going through my student teaching stuff from when I was in an 8th grade English class... I still think it was one of the best experiences of my life... And since I save EVERYTHING, I had a lot of memories to pour over... Even though I was looking for some specific things, I have found much more than I thought I had... Notes and letters from students, pictures, all of their work, special assignments and even some homework... I was so touched by their words, love, effort, care, and just who they were, it was all I could do not to cry. I know that I know that I know that I've touched those kids in a powerful way... and that they touched me. I am now trying to reproduce the same experience with the kids I have now. Am I crazy to think that I can impact them in the last 2 1/2 weeks of school? Well I know I already have... and that they have already impacted me... Today I received my first "Thank you" letter and it made me smile... it came sooner than I expected... I love those kids more and more each day and I can tell they are getting more and more attached to me as well... It's an incredible feeling :)

Mentoring is very similar to teaching for me... The world is my classroom :) I have a very diverse group of girls in their 20's whom I've been discipling for a while now. Recently, a few new ones have entered my life and I find myself being blessed the most by them. A couple of them are in the NewBe class I teach and I absolutely love watching them being transformed by it... Their hunger, their faith, their excitement over what God is doing in their lives... their growing understanding... just the sheer REALITY of God in their life is captivating... As much joy as my girls bring me though, they bring me pain as well... So many times I've been let down, disappointed, hurt and just plain angry with them! Despite of it all though, they know I love them and want the best for them... I'm like a parent in that way I guess, which makes sense, because John and Vita are like my parents...

Life is all about people. It's all about relationships, touching, impacting, inspiring, restoring, transforming, and changing lives... In the end, it's all that matters. I am who I am and I do what I do because of the people in my life who cared enough to make a difference. So now, I want to make a difference as well... In the lives of my family, friends, students, co-workers, strangers, anyone who steps a foot inside my life... And I know I am... And it's the highest high imaginable :D!!!

The Blog Theme Song :)

2008-05-28T23:10:00.000-07:00

I found it!!! Or heard it, I should say :) The perfect song for my blog... and my life :) Why do I write? Because I've got something to say :)! And it's His life/love/words flowing through me... :)

Something To Say

By Matthew West

Wake up
7:32 am
Can’t believe it’s time to do it over again
Yesterday it took all that you had
And you’re wondering if you’ll ever get it back

But the whole wide world is waiting for
Waiting for you to step out that door
Come on and let your life be heard today

You got something to say
If you’re living
If you’re breathing
You got something to say
You know if your heart is beating
You got something to say
And no one can say it like you do
God is love and love speaks through you
You got it, you got it
You got something to say

Listen up
I got a question here
Would anybody miss you if you disappeared?
Your life is the song that you sing
And the whole wide world is listening
Well, the answer to the question is
You were created, your life is a gift
And the lights are shining on you today

You got something to say
If you’re living
If you’re breathing
You got something to say
You know if your heart is beating
You got something to say
And no one can say it like you do
God is love and love speaks through you
You got it, you got it
You got something to say

In the words of my beloved Pastor John, "TALK TO ME, SOMEBODY!!!" :P
God, I LOVE my life!!! :D

Proof of life

2008-05-24T00:22:00.000-07:00

I watched the Narnia, Prince Caspian movie for the 2nd time tonight and my favorite quote was from my favorite character, Lucy, who seemed to be the bridge to Aslan. "Maybe we are the ones who need to prove ourselves to Him." This line rocked me because so many people are looking for proof before they are willing to believe. Even Jesus, who did so many miracles, was badgered for proof from the pharisees. It's one thing to see God doing things in the lives of others, but as long as your own life remains unchanged it's easy to dismiss it and write it off as irrelevant and unreal. Proof must be personal in order to produce faith... and yet, Jesus said, "Blessed are those who have not seen, and yet believed."

Do miracles produce faith or are they produced by faith? I believe it's the later... Faith is what moves God. Not need... faith. Even if God never does another miracle for me for as long as I live, I will still believe in Him. Why? Because He has already done so much... Everyday is proof... the fact that I'm alive right now is proof... I see the proof in everything that surrounds me. Nature, my friends, the changes in my life and the lives of so many other people... the joy and the peace I feel everyday... but most of all... just LIFE... Life is a miracle in itself... it's so complex, so beautiful... so intricate... the way it starts, ends and everything that happens in between... The way one life can touch another... As cliche as it sounds, each life has a "God-shaped" hole in it, something only He can fill, and as much as we try to fill it with everything we can get our hands on, we still come up empty...

What is the biggest proof of God? I think it's a changed life... I want my life to be proof of His existance... Does God have to prove Himself to us? I don't think so... After all, we are His creation, not the other way around. Seek and you shall find... Draw near to God and He shall draw near to you... Prove to Him that you want to know Him and He will show Himself to you... You'll get your proof... the proof of a new life.

A dime a dozen...

2008-05-19T18:58:00.000-07:00

I've been called "beautiful" a lot lately. At random times, by random people. Friends, strangers, students, teachers, ect. Mostly female, actually. Not that I mind or disagree, but it got me thinking... So what?! There are SO MANY good looking people out there! I see countless numbers everyday everywhere I go! I'm literally surrounded by them at YP and at my own church, and let me tell you, there are some HOT teachers at Shorecrest High School! And a lot of really cute ones everywhere else... So being beautiful is actually pretty common... Beautiful people are a dime a dozen. While it's still true that being good looking will get you places, it won't get you far. I know plenty of absolutely GORGEOUS girls (myself included, hehe), and guys who are single for no apparent reason... OK so maybe there's ALWAYS a reason lol, but you know what I mean. I may be blessed with good looks, but what does it really matter in the end? That I feel good about myself? Sure, but I'll still feel rotten if I act ugly towards someone...

I tell people they are beautiful all the time. It's actually one of my favorite compliments to give to my girls :). We, females, were created with a desire to feel beautiful and to be told so constantly :) But what I really mean when I tell someone that they're beautiful is that they are a beautiful person. I believe that being beautiful on the inside is much more important than being beautiful on the outside. Because when your inward beauty shines through, it makes you irresistibly beautiful on the outside as well. So I hope that's what people mean when they tell me I'm beautiful. Good looks alone are a dime a dozen, but beautiful hearts are few and far between. It matters little to me that people find my outward appearance attractive. Getting flirted with and hit on gets old and tiresome rather quickly. Being commended on my personality, attitude and character, however, is something I'll always appreciate :)

Flooded

2008-05-17T00:34:00.000-07:00

I don't know what it is about church lately, but it always gets to me. God always gets to me, I should say. Waterproof mascara has been my new best friend for a while now and it doesn't look like anything will change anytime soon... As I shared last night at youth, I really am loving this new fun, adventurous, "living by faith" lifestyle I'm living right now and am glad that God is teaching me so much through this. So many people, including John, have told me that they are amazed by my positive attitude and excitement, and let me tell you, it's genuine. Tonight, however, I bawled my eyes out...

After we had a quick meeting with Vita between Discipleship and Prayer, the sudden awareness of my circumstances started to overwhelm me. When John took the microphone and started to pray over the exact things that were weighing down on my heart, I began to cry... First, out of sheer helplessness and desperation because I realized that if God didn't intervene with a miracle, I would be in big trouble, but as he continued praying, I continued to cry because of the presence of God that showed up and enveloped me in His love and comfort... And this is what I understood:
What kills me is not not being able to go out, shop and travel... It's not being able to bless others. I was always the one to take care of people, and now that I'm limited in my abilities of doing so, it hurts me more than anything. At the same time, now I am the one getting blessed by others... As good as it feels, it's still very humbling because I'm not used to it... I love my friends so much... They know what's up and they know me... So it's like God is saying for me to just relax right now and let Him take care of me even when things seem impossible. I know a miracle is coming. I know my God. Tonight was something crazy... I must have went through half a pack of tissues... But lately that's been just your regular service at The Image...

I Love...

2008-05-14T22:41:00.000-07:00

I haven’t written in a while... Not because I don’t have anything to say, but because I don’t have enough time to say it. So this will be short and sweet and to the point :) Going through a lot right now, and in the midst of it all, God is teaching me, and showing me His love and His grace... And I love it! Here’s what I love specifically:

I love how when I’m sick, broke, going through something or need anything, I can always text at least 10 people asking for prayer and help. And the cool part is, I actually get it!

I love having peace and being happy and positive even when the circumstances say I should be scared, nervous, sad, depressed and anxious. In the midst of the fieriest trials I know I can trust God to walk me through without getting burned.

I love my friends. I really do... they define true, genuine friendship... They are always there for me, always supporting me and taking care of me!

I love how even when I have to straighten one of my girls out they’ll still thank me and continue loving me all the more.

I love subbing. Really. I love going to different schools, filling in for different teachers and hanging out with different kids every day. I love being requested. I love being requested by teachers I don't know. I love how after spending 5 minutes with a class I already feel like they are my own and I love them...

I love my church. I love our youth. I love our leadership. I love how we are family. I love everything God is doing in and through us.

I love how God is in control of my life... I love how all my steps are ordered. I love how everything happens for a reason and I can learn from every mistake and hardship. I love how I can trust Him because He is faithful :)